Wednesday’s Child Goes to School: Supporting Students Affected by Loss

Wednesday’s Child Goes to School:
Supporting Students Affected by Loss
Gary W. Mauk, Ph.D., NCSP
and
M. Bruce Garris, B.A.
School of Education
Department of Professional Pedagogy and Research and
Department of School Administration and Counseling
The University of North Carolina at Pembroke

Monday, March 14, 2011
2011 Annual Conference of the
North Carolina Middle School Association

Monday’s Child
Monday’s child is fair of face,
Tuesday’s child is full of grace,
Wednesday’s child is full of woe,
Thursday’s child has far to go,
Friday’s child is loving and giving,
Saturday’s child works hard for its living,
But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day,
Is bonny, blithe, and good and gay.
– Author unknown

[Sources: Opie & Opie, 1997, pp. 364–365; originally published in Bray, 1838, pp. 287–288]

References
Bray, A. E. (1838). Traditions, legends, and sketches of Devonshire on the borders of the Tamar and Tavy,
illustrative of its manners, customs, history, antiquities, scenery, and natural history in a series of
letters to Robert Southey, Esq. (Volume II). London, UK: John Murray.
Opie, I., & Opie, P. (Eds.). (1997). The Oxford dictionary of nursery rhymes (2nd ed.). New York: Oxford
University Press.

“Children come to school each day with more than
their lunch and backpack. They bring life factors that shape
their learning and development. These influences range
from family issues and health and culture to behavior,
learning style, and abilities. Virtually all are related to
mental health” (Whelley, Cash, & Bryson, 2004, p. S5-25).

Accordingly, along with their backpacks, early
adolescents often bring to middle school grief associated
with personally significant losses from various expected
and unexpected causes. This presentation will discuss the
nature and impact of loss, as well as ways that caring
schools and educators can be critical harbors of support for
grieving students’ healthy development.

Reference: Whelley, P., Cash, R. E., & Bryson, D. (2004). Children’s mental health: Information
for educators. In A. S. Canter, L. Z. Paige, M. D. Roth, I. Romero, & S. A. Carroll (Eds.), Helping
children at home and school II: Handouts for families and educators (pp. S5-25 – S5-28).
Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists.

Types of School/District Events
Higher • Student deaths
• Staff deaths
General Probability of Event

• Accidents (students hit by cars, bus
accidents, car accidents, swimming, etc.)
• Violence in schools or community (assaults,
murders, drive-by shooting in community,
etc.)
• Suicides
• Natural disasters (tornado, earthquake,
wildfire, hurricane, etc.)
Lower • School shootings
Source: Saiz, C., & Schneider, T. (2006, December 7). Recovery. Presentation at
the Fiscal Year 2006 Emergency Response and Crisis Management (ERCM) Initial
Grantee Meeting, San Antonio, TX.

“As educators, we need
to broaden our lessons of
learning beyond the textbooks
and recognize that grief is part
of everyone’s life learning
process. It is times like these
that will demand our flexibility,
strength, and understanding as a
teacher and a friend…Growth
and healing can occur if we first
recognize the grief and then act
upon it in positive and helpful
ways” (Greene, 2003, p. 11).

Source: Greene, B. (2003). Grief in the classroom: Part II. Bereavement Magazine, 17(6), 10–11.

It is highly likely you see a
grieving child almost every day,
even if you don’t see any children
grieving.
– Dr. David Schonfeld, Executive Director
National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement

An Early Adolescent’s Behavior Is an Iceberg

THE TIP

BEHAVIOR

Youth’s Problem or Crisis
Youth’s Personality & Mental Health
Peer SO MUCH IS
Culture HIDDEN BELOW
School and
Community Environment
Child Development
and
Family Influences

“The goal of helping children of all ages
to cope with death is to promote their
competence, facilitate their ability to cope,
and recognize that children are active

participants in their lives” (Silverman, 2000, p. 42).

Source: Silverman, P. (2000). Never too young to know: Death in children’s lives.
New York: Oxford University Press.

Families and Schools Together

“Family is the first source of support for a child‟s
mental health. However, the increased stress and
fracturing of life today makes it imperative that schools
partner with parents to help children thrive. Indeed,
schools are excellent places to promote good mental
health. Children spend a significant amount of time
there, and, as trained caring adults, educators have
the opportunity to observe and address their needs”
(Whelley et al., 2004, p. S5-25).

Reference: Whelley, P., Cash, R. E., & Bryson, D. (2004). Children’s mental health: Information
for educators. In A. S. Canter, L. Z. Paige, M. D. Roth, I. Romero, & S. A. Carroll (Eds.), Helping
children at home and school II: Handouts for families and educators (pp. S5-25 – S5-28).
Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists.

―Students do not leave their
grief at the schoolhouse door.‖
–– Dr. Martha D. Oates
Death in the School Community
(1993, p. 94)

“School is one important place to
deal with feelings about death rather
than to hide such feelings” (Meyers &
Pitt, 1976, pp. 563–564).

Source:

Meyers, J., & Pitt, N. W. (1976). A consultation approach to help a school cope with
the bereavement process. Professional Psychology, 7(4), 559–564.

Loss, Grief, and Middle School Students in North Carolina
Consistent with a search of the ERIC database I conducted
more than a decade ago while conducting a literature review for a
chapter I was writing, only one North Carolina-based research
study appears to be available regarding a description of loss events
and grief among middle school students in one large school system.

Dr. J. Conrad Glass, professor emeritus at North Carolina
State University, published a 1991 article entitled, Death, Loss, and
Grief among Middle School Children: Implications for the School
Counselor, based on a survey he conducted in one large school
system in North Carolina.
In that article, he reported that, among the eight classes (211
students) in four middle schools in the North Carolina-based study
(one large , 41% of middle school students had been personally
involved with death within the past year (Glass, 1991).

Source: Glass, J. C. (1991). Death, loss, and grief among middle school children: Implications
for the school counselor. Elementary School Guidance and Counseling, 26(2), 139–148.

Loss, Grief, and Middle School Students in North Carolina

When the 211 middle school students were asked to indicated
all losses (other than death) that they had experienced within the past
year, Dr. Glass found the following:
 Moved = 55%;
 Lost a best friend = 53%;
 Changed schools = 52%;
 Lost a boyfriend/girlfriend = 50%; and
 Experienced the separation or divorce of their parents = 28%.
When Dr. Glass asked, “Of the losses you have experienced
(including death), which one(s) would you consider to have had the most
impact on your life?” the students could list as many as three
responses. The top three answers were:
(1) Death (55%);
(2) Moving (26%); and
(3) Loss of a best friend (25%).
Source: Glass, J. C. (1991). Death, loss, and grief among middle school children: Implications
for the school counselor. Elementary School Guidance and Counseling, 26(2), 139–148.

Grieving Adolescents
The adolescent-period tasks of achieving independence, separating
from the family to engage more with peers, and developing an identity may be
disrupted by loss or grief.
Some adolescents whose families experience major losses ranging from
chronic illness to cutting back on expenditures due to job loss may fall back to the
family to assume new work or career roles at the expense of their own
development and higher education or career plans.
Some young people may refuse to engage with school, complain about
feeling alienated by their loss experience, and may withdraw from peers at the
very time they need to focus on these relationships.
Dr. Nancy Webb (2002) suggests that other key challenges for bereaved
adolescents include: (1) a reluctance to show strong emotions; (2) discomfort
when talking to parents about feelings; and (3) the absence of a model for strong
displays of emotion. Also, they may display bravado, denial, anger, sadness, or
push their feelings underground and keep busy.
Adapted from: Aston, C. (2008, September). Angels don’t have headlights. iteachonline: The Victorian Institute
of Teaching Online Newsletter (Issue No. 3). Retrieved on March 12, 2009, from
http://iteachonline.vit.vic.edu.au/issue0308/home.php?current=13
Additional reference: Webb, N. B. (Ed.). (2002). Helping bereaved children: A handbook for practitioners (2nd ed.).
New York: The Guilford Press.

Loss: A Universal Experience
Loss is universal and resides at the core of grief – Someone or
something we love/value is gone, and we grieve (react to) the loss.
Dealing with loss is a very individual, mostly private
experience. The range of feelings experienced depends on the
individual and their degree of attachment to the thing or person that has
been lost.
In addition to the loss of a loved one through death, children and
adolescents potentially experience sundry perceived minor and major
losses and associated grieving from a variety of causes, such as…
√ Losing a cherished item to the ravages of time,
√ Parental separation/divorce/imprisonment,
√ Moving to a new residence,
√ Changing schools,
√ Having a friend move away,
√ Being bullied,
√ Peer rejection,
√ Breaking up with a romantic partner,
√ Not being chosen for a team or other group, etc.

Is uniquely grieved and revisited

Affects development in unique ways Must not be compared

Creates fear and anxiety Affects physical and emotional health

Is universal Reverberates and affects others

Is isolating/lonely Erodes trust and threatens security

Disrupts life flow and causes stress
LOSS Takes time to accommodate

Entails temporary or permanent changes Involves personal meaning making

Highlights individual differences Affects academic performance

Affects interactions and behavior Often begets other (secondary) losses

Can bring about personal growth Alters direction slightly/dramatically

Respects no specific timetable/stages

Loss: A Universal Experience
Loss is most severe when it involves the death
of a person who was an integral part of the surviving
youth‘s life. The death of a loved one can yield many
losses that fall into four major classes:
(1) Relationship losses [e.g., loss of intimacy, emotional
support, companionship, validation, instrumental support,
mattering (“being needed”)];
(2) Lifestyle losses [e.g., loss of social and school-/work-
related activities, loss of status/position in peer group,
finances/material resources];
(3) Loss of biography [e.g., loss of personal history,
shared memories, vision of/plans for the future]; and
(4) Loss of the self/identity [e.g., loss of personal
aspects of the survivor – such as positive feedback and specific
roles and identities – that were interdependent with the
relationship with the deceased].

Grief, Bereavement and Mourning
GRIEF is the normal, dynamic, unique, and
multidimensional set of feelings and thoughts and related
reactions of an individual following an actual or perceived loss
– i.e., the death of an emotionally important person (a loved
one); non-death-related loss of someone or something of
value/significance.

Grief is both a NORMAL and an ADAPTIVE process.

NORMAL = Because it is a reaction that helps a child or
adolescent confront a loss.

ADAPTIVE = Although it is painful to go through, it can
be productive in that a child or adolescent can learn through
the experience.

Source: R. Dale Walker, M.D., Director of the Center for American Indian Education and
Research and the One Sky Center at Oregon Health and Science University, Portland, OR

Because grieving is a personally unique and highly
variable and dynamic process, grief responses among children
and adolescents vary according to different factors, such as:

● Manner of death;
● Nature and significance of the relationship to the
deceased;
● Age and related developmental tasks;
● Gender;
● Physical/mental status;
● Social-emotional development and personality;
● Prior loss experiences;
● Death-specific religious beliefs; and
● Adequacy of personal coping resources and
availability of helpful social support.

Six Basic Concepts of Grief
(1) Grief is a natural reaction to change, loss, or
death.
(2) Each person’s grieving experience is unique.
(3) There are no ―right‖ or ―wrong‖ ways to grieve.
(4) All individuals walk through the grieving process
in their own timeframes and in their own ways.
(5) Grief comes in waves — times of great intensity
followed by times of relief. There is no reasoning or pattern
and it can hit with little warning.
(6) Grieving never ends. It is something the person
will not permanently ―get over.‖

Source: Operation: Military Kids (OMK) – Ready, Set, Go! Training. Chapter 8: Impact of
Grief, Trauma, and Loss on Children and Youth. Gainesville, FL: University of Florida,
College of Agricultural and Life Sciences, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences.
[http://4h.ifas.ufl.edu/Military/ReadySetGo/PowerPoints/RSG_8PPT.ppt]

Dual Process Model of Grieving
Loss–Oriented Restoration – Oriented
Involves the Dealing with the many
emotional and life changes and new
reactive processing roles that are brought
of the loss about by the death

Oscillating between these stressors

Source: Stroebe, M. S., & Schut, H. (2001). Models of coping with bereavement: A
review. In M. S. Stroebe, R. O. Hansson, W. Stroebe, & H. Schut (Eds.), Handbook
of bereavement research: Consequences, coping, and care (pp. 375–403).
Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

MOURNING, which has both personal and interpersonal
components and is embedded in one’s religious and cultural tradition,
is the public face of grief, the way a bereaved individual
personally manages and overtly expresses their grief after a
death of a loved one, and includes formalized rituals (e.g.,
memorial services, funerals, wakes, specific modes of dress,
etc.). Wolfelt (2002) stated mourning is “taking the internal
experience of grief and expressing it outside oneself” (p.
666).
Bereaved youth must undertake several tasks as they
work toward active resolution of a loss, including the following:
(1) Overcoming denial and accepting the reality of the loss;
(2) Experiencing and processing the pain of grief incident to
losing a loved one;
(3) Adjusting to an environment in which the deceased is
missing by accepting and acquiring requisite post-loss concepts, roles,
and skills; and
(4) Finding realistic cognitive and emotional ways to think
about the deceased and to move on with life and form new
relationships (Worden, 2002).

BEREAVEMENT refers to a youth‘s complete reaction
to the loss, and includes both the experience of grief and the
work of mourning.

Six common phenomena that decrease in frequency over
time among survivors in their acute and later phases of
bereavement are:

(1) Sadness;
(2) A yearning or pining;
(3) A need to talk about the deceased;
(4) Intrusive thoughts;
(5) Preoccupation with images/thoughts; and
(6) Distress at reminders of the deceased (Burnett et al., 1994).

Bereaved adolescents must undertake several tasks as
they work toward active resolution of a loss, including the
following:

(1) Overcoming denial and accepting the reality of the loss;

(2) Experiencing and processing the pain of grief incident
to losing a loved one;

(3) Adjusting to an environment in which the deceased is
missing by accepting and acquiring requisite post-loss concepts,
roles, and skills; and

(4) Finding realistic cognitive and emotional ways to think
about the deceased and to move on with life and form new
relationships (Worden, 2002).

Potential Psychosocial Impact
of Various Types of Deaths

DEATH OF A PET

Although the first death a child experiences is often the death
of an animal companion, the developmental significance of the death
of a pet, and incident grieving are rarely acknowledged.

Clements, Benasutti, and Carmone (2003) noted, “The loss of
a cherished pet creates a grief reaction that is in many ways
comparable to that of the loss of a family member….The death, loss, or
theft of a beloved animal results in the end of a special relationship and
can be one of the most difficult times in a person‟s life” (p. 49).

Because human-animal bonds are often not considered
worthy of affirmation, validation, and respect, the loss of an animal
companion could invoke disenfranchised grief (i.e., grief that is not
openly acknowledged and disallowed; Meyers, 2002).

DEATH OF A PET (continued)

Five factors that affect a youth’s reactions to pet loss include:

(1) The youth’s level of cognitive and emotional maturity;

(2) The role played by the pet in the youth’s life;

(3) The youth’s loss history, concurrent life events, and
coping ability;

(4) The circumstances of the pet’s death, including whether
the youth played any role in the death; and

(5) The quality and availability of parental and other support
Sources: Butler & Lagoni, 1996; Johns, 2000; Lagoni, Butler, & Hetts, 1994

DEATH OF A PET (continued)
Adults should:
(1) Acknowledge the psychosocial significance of human-animal
bonds;
(2) Provide honest and clear information to children and
adolescents about what happened to their pet; and
(3) Afford bereaved youths social and emotional support after
the death of a pet (Butler & Lagoni, 1996).
As developmentally appropriate, the following actions can assist
youths to cope with the death of a pet:
● Creating rituals to acknowledge the loss;
● Encouraging children to participate in ceremonies;
● Teaching and encouraging mourning;
● Helping children choose appropriate mementos and photos for
a memory box or other special creation; and
● Not introducing a new animal/not allowing anyone to replace
the animal too quickly (Meyers, 2002, pp. 255-256).

DEATH OF A PARENT
A parent is “unique and irreplaceable” (McLaren, 1998, p. 289), and a
child will miss and mourn the deceased parent at many stages throughout their
life (Swick, Dechant, & Jellinek, 2002).

Four major variables mediate the effect of a parent’s death on a child:

(1) The distinctive characteristics of the child (i.e., age and
developmental level; personality and coping style; loss history; social, cultural,
and religious background);
(2) The personal–social significance and strength and quality of the
relationship with the parent;
(3) The particular circumstances of the death (e.g., sudden or
anticipated, natural or traumatic, and time of year); and
(4) The types and availability of custodial, social, and emotional
support (Hatter, 1996).

DEATH OF A PARENT (continued)

Many children, especially those who have conflicted, abusive, or
neglectful relationships with parents, carry unresolved feelings regarding the
parent’s death into adulthood. Those feelings can negatively influence self-
esteem, coping skills, and relationships (Schuurman & Lindholm, 2002).

In her study of primary school-aged children’s experience of parental
death, Stephanie Dowden (1998) reported that boys who experienced parental
death had “difficulty expressing strong emotions” and “often resorted to violent
behaviour, directed at themselves and others, or intense physical activity”
(1998, p. 61).

Finally, she noted the preferred way for parentally bereaved children to
cope with overwhelming feelings was to retreat to their bedrooms (i.e., a private
space) until they could regain some emotional/situational control: “They used
their bedrooms as a retreat where they could grieve in private and as a place
where they felt safe and comforted” (1998, p. 61).

DEATH OF A PARENT (continued)

Dr. Nicholas Ross (2000) conducted research in which he elicited
children’s cognitions and feelings regarding the support they experienced since
the death of a parent:

(1) Active support (i.e., in which a child’s grieving benefits from the
overt behavior of another; e.g., actively listening to a child’s grief story, being
physically with the grieving child through intense feelings, reflecting/sharing
some of one’s own feelings/experiences); and
(2) Passive support (i.e., in which the child knows active support is
available as needed with no implicit pressure to grieve in a specified manner).

His results demonstrated that each child’s unique grieving needs
require an open, flexible stance from those seeking to support them,
through a variable combination of active and passive support.


DEATH OF A SIBLING

Many children and adolescents who die annually from
various causes leave siblings behind to grieve their deaths.

The death of a sibling can have special significance in the life
of a surviving child or adolescent:

“Through a shared history and common bonds, siblings have
the potential for providing one another with intense emotional
experience, support, guidance, information, and companionship.
Consequently, the significance of the sibling relationship portends the
profound effect that the death of one child can have upon brothers and
sisters” (Davies, 2002, p. 94).

DEATH OF A SIBLING (continued)

Because parents are involved in their own process of
adjusting to their child’s death, they may sometimes be
psychologically inaccessible to assist surviving siblings with
grieving the loss of a brother or sister.

In the aftermath of sibling death, young children in particular
might be neglected, “often due to a desire by adults to protect them
from further hurt” (Dowden, 1995, p. 72). Such reactions often leave
the surviving sibling’s loss experience and feelings invalidated and
their grieving needs unmet.

DEATH OF A SIBLING (continued)

Stephanie Dowden (1995, p. 78) offered the following guidance for the
care of bereaved siblings:

► Children have a need to grieve following the death of a sibling;

► Children have the right to know about and share in family grief;

► Each child is an individual and needs to be treated as such; and

► Given the opportunity and a safe environment, many children are able
and willing to discuss issues surrounding death.

DEATH OF A FRIEND/PEER/CLASSMATE
The death of a friend/peer is an all-too-common experience that can
deeply affect children and adolescents in ways that adults may not comprehend
or acknowledge: “There is no more challenging time than when we are
called on to explain the death of a child to other children” (Metzgar, 1995,
p. 167).

Wass (2003) observed, “The death of a peer can destroy the sense
of invincibility with which children tend to shield themselves, and make
them aware of their own vulnerability, a discovery that may be extremely
threatening” (p. 35).

Also, because friends play crucial roles in helping youths accomplish
various psychosocial tasks (e.g., achieving individuation, consolidating a
personal identity), “the death of a friend may put at risk or delay successful
completion of those tasks” (Oltjenbruns, 1996, p. 215).

DEATH OF A FRIEND/PEER/CLASSMATE (continued)

Peers left behind in the wake of a friend’s death are frequently indirect
victims and forgotten/invisible mourners who may experience disenfranchised
grief: “Adults may not recognize that children also experience grief and
have similar needs for information and clarity at a level and in language
that they, the children, can understand” (Holland, 2004, p. 11).

Bereavement as a result of a friend’s death “can evolve into losses of
other friends who are not grieving, who find the person’s grief both
uncomfortable and tiresome, and who withdraw from the relationship” (Balk,
1998, p. 5).



Educators are sometimes reluctant to engage in developmentally
appropriate sharing of information regarding a classmate’s death, when such
honest communication may indeed dispel rumors, mitigate confusion, and
provide comfort and reassurance to grieving youths.

Knowledge empowers grieving youths who have experienced the
death of a peer/friend: “Experiencing the disappearance of a friend without
knowing what happened to him can be more distressing than hearing
about his death” (Essa, Murray, & Everts, 1995, p. 132).

When a student dies, he/she leaves behind an empty
classroom desk, and, perhaps, an empty hallway locker. What is
prudent in such circumstances?

The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families (2003,
p. 29) has suggested the following:

―There should be a time when his or her desk or locker
remains unchanged. The visual reminder often helps students
with their grieving. Whisking a student‘s desk out of the class
immediately minimizes the impact of the student‘s life on
others.‖

Source: (2003). Helping the grieving student: A guide for teachers. Portland, OR:
The Dougy Center, The National Center for Grieving Children and Families.

Sometimes, grieving students will emotionally attach themselves
to a deceased classmate’s desk or locker, occasionally creating a “shrine.”
In these cases, educators need to strike a balance between being
sensitive to grieving students’ emotional needs and maintaining
order/safety.
In such cases, The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and
Families (2003, p. 29) has suggested the following:
―Rather than simply taking down pictures, notes or
drawings place on a student‘s locker and demanding that students
disperse, provide a time to meet with the students affected and
develop a compromise. For example, the school could allow a
display case to be used to exhibit notes, cards and
expressions….In general, it is a good idea to involve students in
the class around these decisions, asking them what they‘d like to
see done with the desk, locker, etc.‖

DEATH OF A TEACHER/SCHOOL STAFF MEMBER

The death of a teacher or other school staff member
impacts the entire school community.
Thus, it is critical to inform all students about the death
and to be aware of varying, and often unpredictable and
extreme reactions (sometimes from students you may least
expect!).

―Students may exhibit varying reactions to the death of
a school staff person, depending on how well they knew her,
how the person died or other factors. Allowing the student to
talk about the death and how they are being impacted is
extremely helpful‖ (The Dougy Center, 2003, p. 34).


Loss and Grief in the School Community:
Activating Caring and Effective Responses

Deborah Carey, principal of West Middle School in
Auburn, NY, in her 2008 article, Gone but Not Forgotten:
Grief at School, asserted that “an effective crisis
management plan contains six key components that
must be adapted depending on the particular incident
and the available personnel” (p. 37).

Deborah Carey’s six recommended components are
explicated in the next few slides through indicated direct
quotations and emphasis added (i.e., bold type,
underlining of some direct quotations, and bracketed
text).

Source:
Carey, D. (2008). Gone but not forgotten: Grief at school. Principal Leadership, 8(8), 36–39.

Component #1: DESIGNATED ROLES
Although the principal provides leadership direction, ensures safety, and
handles the demands of the entire school, in the face of sorrow/grief, other individuals also
must assume important support roles: “The school community must know who is in
charge in each context to ensure the emotional and physical safety of all” (Carey, 2008,
p. 37).
 Communications Manager: Coordinates communication among transportation and
custodial/physical plant staff members, part-time workers, and school visitors who enter
the school “after the initial emergency meetings” (Carey, 2008, p. 37).
 Counseling Team. Led by a counseling team leader who directs the counseling plan,
the “team should be composed of administrators and counselors who have received
grief management training, typically through local mental health services” (Carey,
2008, p. 37).
 Security Manager. Because a student death may cause peers to act unpredictably
(including physically escaping from the emotion-laden school environment), “rigorous,
attentive security measures should be in place” (Carey, 2008, p. 37). The Security
Manager may be an assistant principal who can direct “faculty and staff members to secure
the building and keep close tabs on students” (Carey, 2008, p. 37).
Source:


Component #2: EFFECTIVE AND TARGETED COMMUNICATIONS

 Pre-Opening Calls:
 Have an up-to-date phone tree.
 Principal makes calls to faculty and staff members before school convenes.
 Designated staff members may assist the principal to: handle before-school telephone
calls; greet school visitors; and “prepare written communications” (Carey, 2008, p. 37).

 Crisis Team Meeting:
 Should be the first meeting of the day.
 Business should include: Review of the official message regarding the death:
assignment of responsibilities; identification of meeting sites; and compilation of a
preliminary list of students “likely to be affected by the death” (Carey, 2008, p. 37).

Source:


 Faculty and Staff Meetings:
 Before the school day begins, adults in the school community should convene “to hear
the news and to share their feelings of loss and sadness” (Carey, 2008, pp. 37–38).
 A written outline of the plan for the day should be prepared.
 Clear directives should be given to faculty regarding: (1) releasing students from class
so they can “go to counseling locations” and (2) “the need for vigilance in the hallways and
while taking attendance” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).
 When the school day is over, “faculty and staff members should attend another meeting
where they can react to the day and share their successes and concerns” (Carey, 2008, p.38).

Source:


(continued)

 Informing Students:

 Do not use the PA system to announce the death! The coldness, impersonality, and
possible incoherence of the PA system outweigh its convenience.

 Instead, teachers should break the news about the death to their homeroom
students or the student group/class they have at the beginning of the school day.

 The principal should prepare “a brief written message that includes nonjudgmental facts
about the death; an expression of sadness about [the] loss; and brief, simple information
about available support” Carey, 2008, p. 38).

 If a teacher cannot read the principal’s message aloud to the students, then the
principal should assign another adult to read the message (or someone may wish to
volunteer).

Source:


Component #2: EFFECTIVE AND TARGETED COMMUNICATIONS (continued)
 Communicating with Families:

 Contact with the deceased student’s family and expressions of sympathy/support from
the school are important.
 If the family of the deceased student had been active participants in the school
community, then “the loss of their child also means the secondary loss of the social network
they had at school (Carey, 2008, p. 38). When this is the case, “personal connection and
reassurance is of particular comfort” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).
 Typically, it is often valuable to send a letter home to all parents.
 Also, “when the death is a mysterious one or occurred on school property, the community
needs accurate information and the assurance that the school is handling the tragedy” (Carey,
2008, p. 38).

Source:

(continued)

 Media Contact. Public attention for a student death due to a long-term illness (e.g.,
cancer) is rare. However, “Deadly accidents, suicide, and unexplained death draw
intrusive and awkward media attention. The principal must designate a media
contact person, either him- or herself or a subordinate… [This person should talk
about] the school’s support plan for distraught students [and] reassure the community
about the quality services the school was offering to students” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).

Component #3: SCHEDULE FOR THE DAY
 Extended homeroom/first period: (1) teacher/designee reads the principal’s
message to students; (2) preparations are made for students who need to leave the
school; and (3) remaining students’ questions and concerns are answered/addressed.
 “Grade-level assemblies [can be used to bring] students and teachers together to
reassure students about their own well-being. Children’s emotional and physical
comfort is increased when they recognize that knowledgeable, caring adults are in
charge” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).

Source:


Component #4: SECURITY PLAN

 The Security Manager and other selected/assigned school staff members secure the
school building from:
 Media intrusion;
 Parents who remove their upset children without following standard procedures; and
 Anyone who might try exploit “the unusual atmosphere” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).

 Doors should be locked or supervised by staff members.
 Responsibilities of teachers (and available support staff members) should include
periodic checks of bathrooms and other locations in which students might hide.
 “The heightened sense of building security can be a comfort to those who are
emotionally distraught” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).

Source:

Component #5: BASIC COUNSELING STRATEGIES
 Honor students’ requests to go to the designated counseling site(s).

 The school counselor(s) [or other school mental health professional(s)] “will quickly
identify „curious‟ students, who often opt to return to class because they feel awkward in the
emotionally charged environment” (Carey, 2008, p. 38).

 Occasionally, adults in the school environment may be skeptical about particular
students’ connections to the student who died, and then discover that “they were
neighbors, went to the same day care, or played Little League ball together” (Carey, 2008, p.
38).

 Also, some students “may have unresolved grief and need help coping with resurrected
sadness (Carey, 2008, p. 39). [Note: In some cases, there may be students who picked on
and/or had conflicts with the student who died, and, thus, they experience guilt incident
to their prior interactions with the deceased student] (Carey, 2008, p. 39).

Source:


Component #5: BASIC COUNSELING STRATEGIES [continued]

Primary Counseling Space:

 Should be a location in the school that is “large enough for a circle that allows
counselors to see all reactions and to assess needs” (Carey, 2008, p. 39).

 Students should “sign in and out of this site with specific passes” (Carey, 2008, p. 39).

 Teachers and other school staff members should be welcome to attend the counseling
sessions: “Sharing their own sadness and tears gives students important models for how to
cope with uncomfortable feelings and will help students feel connected and cared about”
(Carey, 2008, p. 39).

Secondary Spaces: “Students who exhibit excessive, distracting grief should move to
another setting with a counseling professional until they are able to rejoin the larger group”
(Carey, 2008, p. 39).

Source:

Component #5: BASIC COUNSELING STRATEGIES [continued]
Counseling Process:
 “Ground rules” for counseling sessions – The school-based mental health professional who leads
large-group counseling sessions should begin the sessions by announcing the following ground rules:
 The right to personal/individual feelings and experiences;
 The right to listen quietly;
 The confidentiality of the emotions and stories that are shared during the session; and
 The need to sign in and sign out of the counseling session. (Carey, 2008, p. 39)
 In the counseling session(s), “The lead counselor should channel the conversation from reaction
to shared stories about the student to students’ concerns about the death to a discussion of next
steps [e.g., family visitation, funeral/wake attendance]” (Carey, 2008, p. 39). Students who express
fear/anxiety regarding attending death-related rituals “should be encouraged to talk with relatives
about attending the services, and school personnel should consider attending to support students and
the sorrowing family” (Carey, 2008, p. 39).
 The counseling session(s) “should work toward considering ways to honor the memory of their lost
friend and classmate” (Carey, 2008, p. 39). A safe and suitable way for students to express their
feelings is to create notes or cards for the deceased student’s family. Finally, “Students should be told
about ongoing support that is available from counselors and administrators” (Carey, 2008, p. 39).

Source:


Component #6: FOLLOW-UP ACTIVITIES

 “Children and adults all welcome an opportunity to comfort the sorrowing family”
(Carey, 2008, p. 39):

 Creating cards/posters that include personalized condolences to the
student’s family; and

 Fundraisers for scholarships/contributions to a particular charity.

 Consider “lowering the flag [to half-staff] in light of the nature of the death (Carey,
2008, p. 39).

 Toward the end of balancing care with caution, however, it is important to keep the
following caveat in mind: “too much attention to tragedies, such as suicide, may prompt
copycat behavior from students who would like to receive the same amount of attention
or a means of punishing others whom they perceive as being hurtful” (Carey, 2008, p. 39).

Source:

Common Signs of Grieving Youths in the Classroom
The student…
► Has become the class clown or class bully
► Has become withdrawn and unsociable
► Has become restless and unable to stay seated
► Calls out of turn
► Does not complete schoolwork
► Is having problems listening and remaining on task
► Has become overly talkative
► Has become disorganized
► Engages in reckless physical actions
► Shows poor concentration around external stimuli
► Shows difficulty in following directions
► Shows a change in grades and lack of interest in school

Source: Goldman, L. (2006). Best practice grief work with students in the schools.
In C. Franklin, M. B. Harris, & P. Allen-Meares (Eds.), The school services
sourcebook: A guide for school-based professionals (pp. 567–575). New York: Oxford
University Press.

Children’s and Adolescents’ Reactions
to Grief and Loss
 Tend to go in and out of grief
 Developmental stage will influence their reactions
 All cannot talk openly about their loss and feelings
 May not seem to be affected at all (external vs.
internal responses or “survival mode”)
 Play is one way in particular they make sense of
the changes in their world
 Not unusual for them to experience physical
reactions
 Need to grieve any significant loss/change/death at
all developmental stages for healthy resolution

Source: Operation: Military Kids (OMK) – Ready, Set, Go! Training. Chapter 8: Impact of Grief,
Trauma, and Loss on Children and Youth. Gainesville, FL: University of Florida, College of
Agricultural and Life Sciences, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences.

Academic Responses of Grieving Students
 Inability to focus or concentrate
 Failing or declining grades
 Incomplete or poor quality of work
 Increased absence or reluctance to go to school
 Forgetful, memory loss
 Over achievement, trying to be perfect
 Inattentiveness
 Daydreaming


Behavioral Responses of Grieving Students
 Disruptive behaviors, noisy outbursts
 Aggressive behaviors, frequent fighting
 Non-compliance to requests
 Increase in risk-taking or unsafe behaviors
 Isolation or withdrawal
 Regressive behaviors to a time when things felt
more safe and in control
 High need for attention
 A need to check in with parent/significant other


Emotional Responses of Grieving Students
 Insecurity, issues of abandonment, safety concerns
 Concern over being treated differently from others
 Fear, guilt, anger, regret, sadness, confusion
 “I don’t care” attitude
 Depression, hopelessness, intense sadness
 Overly sensitive, frequently tearful, irritable
 Appears unaffected by change/loss/death
 Preoccupation, wanting details
 Recurring thoughts of death, suicide


Social Responses of Grieving Students
 Withdrawal from friends and family
 Withdrawal from activities and sports
 Use of alcohol and other drugs
 Changes in relationships with teachers/peers
 Changes in family roles
 Wanting to be physically close to safe adult
 Sexual acting out
 Stealing, shoplifting
 Difficulty being in a group or crowd

Physical Responses of Grieving Students
 Stomachaches, headaches, heartaches
 Frequent accidents or injuries
 Nightmares, dreams, or sleep difficulties
 Loss of appetite or increased eating
 Low energy, weakness
 Nausea, upset stomach, hives, rashes, etc.
 Increased illnesses, low resistance
 Rapid heartbeat


Developmental Responses of
Middle School Youths
 Experience range of  Withdrawal, sullenness
emotions impacted by  Need healthy physical
physical/hormonal outlets
development  Lack of concentration
 Comprehend  Risk-taking behaviors
change/loss/death as final (alcohol/drugs, sexual acting
and unavoidable out, stealing)
 Feelings of helplessness  Unpredictable ups and
and hopelessness may downs or moodiness
increase risk-taking
behaviors  Erratic, inconsistent
reactions
 Argumentative, anger,
fighting


How to Help Middle School Youths

 Expect and accept mood swings
 Provide supportive environment where student can
share, when needed
 Anticipate increased physical concerns, illness, body
aches, pains
 Allow to choose with whom and how s/he gets support
 Encourage participation in support group
 Allow flexibility in completing school work


Checklist of Common Grief-Related
Behaviors of School-Age Youths

 They cannot decide when feelings will erupt, and may
not be able to label their feelings accurately.
 They cannot decide which feelings to have and may have
difficulty talking about them.
 Explosive emotions may be an outward expression of
grief work directed toward anyone available.
 They may be fairly protective of themselves and their
emotions when they are with peers.
 They may generally keep their emotional reactions
secret, perhaps becoming withdrawn and depressed.
 They may use denial and maintain an appearance of
control and ―life as usual.‖
 They may take on a ―caretaker‖ role.

Common Mistakes When Dealing with Death

● Words and actions to avoid:
— Acting as if nothing has happened
— Suggesting the person has grieved long enough
— Indicating they should ―get over it‖ and move on
— Expecting business as usual when it comes to
school/work performance

● Please don’t ever say…
— “It could be worse…”
— “I know how you feel…”
— “You’ll be stronger because of this…”


Secondary Losses:
Grief Ripples in the Pool of Life
When an immediate family member or significant
other dies (e.g., friend, teacher), children and adolescents
must cope with not only the loss of that relationship, but
also may have to deal with secondary losses incident to the
death (Baker, 1997; Klicker, 2000; Raveis et al., 1999;
Smith, 1999; Wolfelt, 1996).

Secondary losses are consequences that “are not
directly related to the death, but rather result from the initial
consequences of the death, or occur simultaneously with the
dying, death, or during bereavement” (Mahon, 1999, p. 301).
Many of these losses stem from experiences and behavioral
expectations inherent in the attachment relationship with the
deceased (Weiss, 2001).

Secondary Losses:
Grief Ripples in the Pool of Life
Among the cascade of secondary losses that can
complicate the grieving process and often go
unacknowledged in their affect on the child or
adolescent are:

■ Loss of income;
■ Loss of future together;
■ Loss of special relationship;
■ Change in household routines;
■ Family disintegration; and
■ Moving/having to live with relatives.

Sources: Cournos, 2001; Mahon, 1999; Raveis et al., 1999; Smith, 1999; Wolfelt, 1996

Possible Gender-Related Grieving Differences

► Boys and girls may differentially desire and be
offered/receive varying degrees, durations and types of
social-emotional support in the midst of grief from family
members and peers (e.g., having someone listen as they
share their experience of the loss, understand their
feelings, express sorrow, hug them, allow them to cry, help
with problem solving, share memories of the deceased,
distract them from the loss).

► In particular, adolescent boys may have a difficult time
grieving, especially “when they have been taught that
showing emotion is something that girls do – but macho guys
don‟t” (Fitzgerald, 2000, p. 74).

Possible Gender-Related
Grieving Differences
► Although “grieving patterns are influenced by gender, not
determined by them” (Doka, 1999, p. 8), there appear to be distinct
patterns of grieving or strategies of adapting to loss among many males
and females – for example, “instrumental” and “intuitive” grievers (Martin
& Doka, 2000).
―Instrumental‖ Grievers ―Intuitive‖ Grievers
(likely boys) (likely girls)
Tend to have a tempered More likely to experience their
affect to a loss grief as waves of affect
Describe their grief in Frequently need to express
physical or cognitive terms their feelings and seek the
Are more likely to support of others
cognitively process or immerse
themselves in activity

The experiences of a youth counseling national help line/web-
based counseling service in Australia appear to support these apparent
gender-related differences in problem solving behaviors:

“Compared to females, males are more likely to focus on
what to do about their concerns and less likely to want to
explore the nature of those concerns…Counsellors tend to avoid
directly asking males about their feelings, preferring instead to
use more subtle ways to engage them on an emotional level. A
common approach is to ask the caller what he thinks about an
experience or event rather than what he feels. The focus on
thoughts rather than feelings appears to be a safe way for
males to reflect and provides a space in which feelings may
surface.”
(Kids Help Line, 2002, p. 3)

To foster a school environment that is supportive of gender-related
differences in grief, Dr. Louise Rowling (2002, p. 289) has suggested using the
following generic questions:

(1) How did you react? (not What did you feel?)
(2) How do you experience your grief?
(3) What did the loss mean to you?
(4) What strategies do you use to cope that are helpful?
(5) What kind of advice (guidance) is helpful? and
(6) With whom do you share your loss?

Source: Rowling, L. (2002). Youth and disenfranchised grief. In K. J. Doka (Ed.),
Disenfranchised grief: New directions, challenges, and strategies for practice (pp. 275-292).
Champaign, IL: Research Press.

“Disenfranchised Grief”
With certain types of losses, a youth’s grief experience is often
“disenfranchised” – because of socially determined “grieving rules” of parents,
other adults, and peers that endeavor to specify who, when, where, how, how
long, and for whom a child or adolescent shall grieve, the child or adolescent is
not “accorded the right to grieve…[Their] grief is not openly acknowledged,
socially validated, or publicly observed” (Doka, 2002, p. 5).

Dr. Kenneth Doka has suggested five broad categories of loss that are
disenfranchised:

(1) Lack of recognition of the relationship;
(2) Lack of acknowledgement of the loss;
(3) Exclusion of the griever;
(4) Circumstances of the death; and
(5) The ways individuals grieve.

The following are some of the loss-related events frequently involving
disenfranchised grief:

► A friend moving away
► Loss/breakup of a romantic relationship
► The death of a friend/peer
► Divorce
► Adoption
► Placement in foster care
► Incarceration of one or both parents
► Death of a pet
► Moving to a new residence/changing schools
► Losses involving very young children
► Deaths involving societal stigma (e.g., suicide, homicide, HIV/AIDS)

Because the very nature of disenfranchised grief
creates additional problems for grievers while removing or
minimizing their sources of support (Doka, 2002), support
groups may offer disenfranchised grievers:
(1) Validation for their losses by connecting them with
others who share similar losses;
(2) Suggestions for coping;
(3) Hope to members at different points in their grief
journeys through sharing of stories; and
(4) The possibility of enhancing their self-esteem through
providing assistance to others (Pesek, 2002).

Also, rituals (i.e., memorials, funerals) can be a
powerful therapeutic tool for enfranchising disenfranchised
grievers, because they can validate grief and allow
opportunities for catharsis, may offer support and help
grievers in their search for meaning in the midst of loss (Doka,
2002).

Proactive Post-Loss Support and
School-Based Interventions
Individual and Group Counseling/Support for Bereaved Youths

Although grief, as a process, is natural, the course of grief
may not always come naturally, and intervention/guidance from a
mental health professional may be beneficial, assisting the bereaved
child or adolescent to not grieve their loss alone and to facilitate the
integration of the loss into their life and move on.

The goal of grief counseling is to facilitate mourning in a
recently bereaved child or adolescent (Worden, 2002).

“Counseling children who have sustained a loss is not
traditional psychotherapy. It is a combination of comforting,
educating, exploring, and inviting expression” (Ward-Wimmer &
Napoli, 2000, p. 111).

Individual and Group Counseling/Support for Bereaved Youths [continued]

McGlauflin (1992, p. 18) delineated several important elements in grief
counseling with bereaved youths:
(1) A time for declaring or relating the detailed story of the loss,
including who/what and when, and how it happened, how the youth felt about
how they were informed of the loss, and what part, if any, they played in family
rituals associated with the loss;
(2) A time for remembering the lost person, place, or thing, including
discussing positive/negative qualities, important times/experiences/events, and
times when they most miss the lost person, place or thing;
(3) A time for expressing all kinds of feelings in all their intensities; and
(4) A time for renewal and looking toward the future, which entails
considering the bereaved youth’s coping skills, identifying support resources,
anticipating particularly difficult times (i.e., anniversaries, holidays), and
reestablishing hope.


Because youths often dislike being considered “different” from
their peers, bereavement groups can “offer the peer support
that the bereaved child so greatly craves, since the group
helps him/her realize that other children have also lost loved
ones to death” (Webb, 2002, pp. 253-254).

Group counseling activities and support groups can
provide a normalizing and safe environment of
commonality/universality in which bereaved youths can talk about
their loss, express feelings, acquire and practice coping skills, and
experience personal validation and social support: “Because
bereaved children may feel lonely, angry, anxious, and guilty, the use
of group intervention may ease their feelings of loneliness and self-
attribution as they disclose their common experiences to others”
(Ayyash-Abdo, 2001, p. 428).


Therapeutic group work may be especially beneficial
when a few or several children and adolescents have
experienced a common loss (e.g., a parent, sibling, pet, etc.),
because participating youths can typically see and hear what
they are experiencing is also known to others:

―There‘s a felt connection. They no longer feel alone,
but join with kindred others going through a similar
experience. There‘s a sense of ‗You, too?‘ and ‗Me, too.‘ The
depth and intensity of grief is shared, legitimized, and
validated‖ (Dr. Betty J. Carmack, 2003, p. 63).

Creative Arts-Based Interventions
Creative arts-based activities can provide opportunities for bereaved
youths to express their thoughts and feelings about a death: “Even teenagers
often find it safer and more true to their feelings to express them in paint, poetry,
clay, theater, crafts, and created rituals, rather than trying to tell someone explicitly
how they feel” (Fry, 2000, p. 126).
Because drawing is a natural exploratory and expressive activity in
which children engage, it is an ideal vehicle for younger bereaved children (Hogan &
Graham, 2002) and youths exposed to sudden traumatic deaths (Clements,
Benasutti, & Henry, 2001) to explore and communicate loss-related thoughts
and feelings.
Diane Le Count (2000) observed that creative art therapy can help
children “work from the inside out” – “Working with the arts can feel safe for the
child. It can create a safe place for an emotional discharge, at other times pictures
or play may enable the expression of the struggle and confusion surrounding a loss
or multiple losses which the child may only be able to express non-verbally. It can
also be a way of working through unacceptable feelings” (p. 18).

Written Expression-Based Interventions

Some children and adolescents may not feel comfortable talking
about/sharing their grief-related feelings individually with a helping
professional or in a group setting.
In such cases, Pennebaker, Zech, and Rimé (2001) advocated the
use of writing/journaling as a clinical tool for the following reasons:
(1) Writing allows the student to express his or her
emotions without the direct evaluation of another person;
(2) It does not need a real recipient to be present; and
(3) Writing may induce the structuring of thoughts,
feelings and meaning making.
As aids to grief resolution, journaling, creative writing, letter
writing, poetry, and essays and other creative writing activties may have
preventive and therapeutic-personal growth benefits for bereaved youths
(Brandell, 2002; Gaines-Lane, 1997; Goldman, 2000; Wolfe, 1995).

Memory Boxes/Books

“Death robs us of a present and future with our loved
one, but it has no firm grip on the past. Therefore, memories
are probably the most precious gifts that survivors are left
with….By reminiscing, children are demonstrating their
beginning acceptance of the loss” (Normand, Silverman, &
Nickman, 1996, pp. 108-109).

Memory is a way of holding onto the
things you love, the things you are, the things
you never want to lose.
– From the television show, The Wonder Years

Memory Boxes/Books

Toward that end, Winston’s Wish, a bereavement support
program for youths and their caregivers located in Gloucestershire,
UK, advocates the use of memory boxes, memory/life books,
calendars of memories, family records, and storytelling about the
deceased (Stokes & Crossley, 1995). Involving children and
adolescents in activities such as these serves several purposes:

♥ To support a bereaved young person and their family;
♥ To preserve a continuing link with the person who has died;
♥ To involve young people in the mourning process; and
♥ To assist bereaved youths and their families take steps along
their unique bereavement journeys.

Memorializing the Deceased
When a school community experiences a death, “Goodbyes are
necessary and a healthy part of the healing process,” and “are essential in order to
regain the focus on learning at school” (Booth & Cowdrey, 1992, p. 44).
Fast (2003) noted that memorializing deceased children and adolescents
in the form of “grief projects” involving artistic expression and social activism is
best understood in the context of the task of adjusting to an environment in which
the deceased is missing (i.e., Worden, 2002).
Regarding school memorial activities following traumatic events, Poland
and Zenere (2004) have recommended that memorial activities be:
(1) Based on the needs and desires of the school community;
(2) Initiated, if possible, within one week of the traumatic event [at
least the initial memorial activity];
(3) Planned by a school-based committee comprised of
administrators, teachers, parents, students [especially those who had
personal ties to the victim(s)], and community members; and
(4) Planned as a series of activities involving survivors, rather than
a traditional establishment of a permanent marker or structure.

Guiding Principles for Memorials
 A memorial should not overshadow or interfere with
the school’s primary mission of educating students
 A memorial should add to a positive learning
environment and add to the mission of educating
students
 A memorial should be life affirming, inspiring and
spiritually uplifting
 The school belongs to the students of the future, not
only to the students of the past and the present

Source: Wong, M., Kelly, J., & Stephens, R. D. (2001). Jane’s School
Safety Handbook. Alexandria, VA: Jane’s Information Group.

Some Ways Adults Can Actively Involve Children and
Adolescents in Commemorating a Loss
► Create a ceremony, such as releasing a balloon with a
special note, lighting a candle, etc.
► Create a memorial wall with stories and pictures of shared
events
► Have an assembly about the person who died
► Plan a memorial garden
► Initiate a scholarship fund
► Establish an ongoing fundraiser (e.g., a car wash, a bake
sale) with proceeds going toward the bereaved family’s
designated charity
► Place memorial pages in the school yearbook or school
newspaper
► Send flowers to the grieving family

Source: Goldman, L. (2006). Best practice grief work with students in the schools.
In C. Franklin, M. B. Harris, & P. Allen-Meares (Eds.), The school services
sourcebook: A guide for school-based professionals (pp. 567–575). New York: Oxford
University Press.

Concluding Remarks
There is very little access to the brain,
when the heart is in pain.
–– Janet E. Hart
4th-grade teacher
West Yarmouth, MA

The grief of a child or adolescent
does not follow a “pacing guide.”
–– Dr. Gary W. Mauk

What Can We Learn from Grieving Youths?
[Dr. Donna Schuurman, 2002]

Dr. Donna Schuurman, National Director of The Dougy Center for
Grieving Children in Portland, OR, proffered some lessons she has learned
from grieving youths (Schuurman, 2002, pp. 23-25):
(1) They know and understand much more than that for which we give
them credit;
(2) One of the greatest obstacles to their healing after a death is
adults;
(3) They do not need to be fixed;
(4) They do not need to be taught how to grieve as much as they
need to be permitted to grieve and derive their own meaning from the death
experience;
(5) They are resilient, but their resilience does not exist in a
psychosocial vacuum;
(6) Theories may be helpful as guides to understanding, but they may
obscure our ability to be truly available to a bereaved youth;
Source: Schuurman, D. (2002). The club no one wants to join: A dozen things I’ve learned
from grieving children and adolescents. Grief Matters: The Australian Journal of Grief and
Bereavement, 5(2), 23-25.

What Can We Learn from Grieving Youths?
[Dr. Donna Schuurman, 2002]

(7) Labels may be fine for containers, but are not so good for bereaved
youths – we need to remember that behind every label is a frightened child or
adolescent;
(8) Although bereaved youths’ expressions of grief facilitate the healing
process, the form that expression takes is highly variable, and what matters most
to the bereaved youth is feeling understood;
(9) We would be better off reframing emotions as messages from our
souls, rather than as enemies from which to flee;
(10) Sorrow needs varied opportunities for expression (e.g., words,
play, exercise, music, visual art, play), including silence;
(11) Bereaved youths need, desire, and deserve honesty, truth, and
choices to build trust, regain control and stability, and take responsibility for their
decisions; and
(12) The best thing we, as adults, can do for grieving youths is to listen
to them with our ears, eyes, hearts, and souls.

Source: Schuurman, D. (2002). The club no one wants to join: A dozen things I’ve learned
from grieving children and adolescents. Grief Matters: The Australian Journal of Grief and
Bereavement, 5(2), 23-25.

―Whether a loss is due to the death of a student, a
faculty or staff member, or a member of the community,
a viable, organized strategy for coping with loss ensures
that the tragedy does not increase the bereaved’s pain or
the students’ vulnerability to further incidents.

Although there are no surefire formulas for making
everything OK in the face of enormous sadness, the
school community can take specific actions to
acknowledge grief and begin a healing process‖ (Carey,
2008, p. 37).

Source:

Educators Grieve, Too: Taking Care to Take Care of Yourself
Educators sometimes relive previous death-related experiences
that compound the reality and emotion surrounding a student’s death,
and “teachers who have not adequately resolved their own misgivings
about death will be less able to help children and parents deal with the
issue” (Essa et al., 1995, p. 132).
Because school management practices often do not acknowledge
the grief of school staff members, such individuals may benefit from
opportunities to validate their relationship with the deceased and openly
express their feelings about the death (Dr. Louise Rowling, 1995):
► Openly acknowledging the impact of traumatic
events/deaths on teachers and other school personnel;
► Identifying staff members who may be at-risk for
psychological difficulties due to prior traumatic experiences or current
stressors; and
► Providing support activities/counseling opportunities.

Educators Grieve, Too: Taking Care to Take Care of Yourself

It can be difficult, painful, and physically/emotionally
exhausting to work with grieving students.

As such, The Dougy Center (2003, p. 27) has
suggested the following ways for educators to take care of
themselves after a death.
■ Making time to talk with other school staff members about
grieving students;
■ Talking with trusted individuals about your feelings;
■ Remembering that grief issues take a varying amount of
time to process;
■ Getting proper nutrition/hydration, exercise, sleep and
reflective time; and
■ Seeking professional support, when necessary.

Source: (2003). Helping the grieving student: A guide for teachers.
Portland, OR: The Dougy Center, The National Center for Grieving
Children and Families.

10 Main Themes of Bereaved Youths’ Support Requests
from Adults in Their Environment
[Dyregrov & Dyregrov, 2008, p. 91]

(1) Provide us with information that is accurate and sincere. Do not refrain from giving us
information that we want to receiver or will hear from others.
(2) Do not pressure us to grieve like our parents or other adults.
(3) Do not pressure us to speak, but signal that it is OK and be there when we are ready and
want to talk or share our feelings.
(4) Do not impose too much of the adults’ despair upon us or allow us to assume adult roles.
(5) Do not despair unnecessarily over insufficient reactions or talk on our part (most of us
talk to our friends).
(6) Pay attention to whether or not we function well on a daily basis after the first few months
(e.g., sleeping well vs. nightmares/sleep disturbances, eating normally vs. changed
eating patterns, meeting friends or isolating ourselves, school performance as before vs.
enhanced performance/drop in grades).
(7) Try to provide/accept that we need “time outs” to do fun things and to relax with friends,
even at an early point in time when adults cannot conceive of such a thing.
(8) Talk to the school about how we are doing, check whether the necessary support
measures have been implemented (in collaboration with us).
(9) Ensure that a close relative/acquaintance is available to serve as a “support figure” at
the start (someone with whom we already have good contact/rapport).
(10) Make it clear that it is acceptable to speak about the deceased and the event over time.

Source: Dyregrov, K., & Dyregrov, A. (2008). Effective grief and bereavement support: The role of family,
friends, colleagues, schools and support professionals. London, UK: Jessica Kingsley.

“As educators, we are in a
profession that is solely based
on building productive lives
for our students. They are our
future and when one is cut
short, all of us are affected.
Dealing with a myriad of
human emotions comes with
the territory of teaching,
counseling, and
administrating within our
schools” (Greene, 2003, p. 18).

Reference: Greene, B. (2003). Grief in the classroom: Part 1. Bereavement Magazine, 17(5), 18–19.

EVERY ADULT ON THE SCHOOL
CAMPUS PLAYS AN IMPORTANT
ROLE IN SUPPORTING AND
ASSISTING GRIEVING STUDENTS

When students experience a loss, it
helps to have somebody on whom they
can depend for support.

Wednesday’s Child Goes to School: Supporting Students Affected by Loss

Wednesday’s Child Goes to School: Supporting Students Affected by Loss

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