Waxing Ballroom Floors on the Titanic

Just leave this up as
people ﬁlter in to the
room.

Bunk Monkey Start off panel with
“This really has no
bearing on anything. It’s
just here to give you a
taste of what’s to come
for the next 45 minutes.”

room.

Spunk Monkey just here to give you a

room.

smegma

Spunk Monkey just here to give you a

be sure to start the
meetronome at the
beginning.

Waxing Ballroom
Floors on the Titanic
and other less seaworthy vessels

OG Consulting
Kevin Barnes
Rick Bradley
Yossef Mendelssohn

OG Consulting

http://ogtastic.com/
http://ni.hili.st/
http://b.logi.cx -or- http://bl.ogtastic.com/
http://github.com/ﬂogic/

OG Consulting?
Awesomeness Competitors

Who we’re not
http://www.gamespot.com/pages/unions/forums/show_msgs.php?topic_id=26319887&union_id=16254
http://scotlandonrails.com/speakers

This shit is hard
that’s what she said

Do your best
http://www.indorphyn.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/Sisyphus.jpg

No matter what the odds
The Karate Kid, Columbia Pictures

Here’s how
http://www.morningtoast.com/index.php/2007/08/im-sorry-i-missed-the-miss-teen-usa-pageant

t3h project: goals
Clinical system: 40,000+ patients / year
HIPAA, clinical trials, Sarbanes-Oxley
Full medical billing system
Share with 6-7 other large organizations
Common research community
Research-enabled clinical data

(t3h sinking ship)

t3h project: goals
Clinical system: 40,000+ patients / year
HIPAA, clinical trials, Sarbanes-Oxley
Full medical billing system
Share with 6-7 other large organizations
Common research community
Research-enabled clinical data
Save the world, yo

(t3h sinking ship)

This picture you’ve all
seen, we’re the source.

Look, there’s actually
attribution.

© Darrin Weissinger (darrin.weissinger@centerstone.org)

(t3h sinking ship)

t3h specs

we want the same
system as we currently
have, only AWESOME,
and OURS, so we can
prove to everyone we’re
the best in the world.

oh, and do some good.

(t3h sinking ship)
http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t189/rossmcgrath16/redneck-mansion.jpg

please consult org chart
for portrait and name to
accompany statue. thx.

--t3h boss

What is expected
(t3h sinking ship)

What they want
(t3h sinking ship)
http://www.talendforge.org/wiki/doku.php?id=what_is_new1_1

Problems

(t3h sinking ship)
http://www.nsc.org/statinfo/odds_dying.jpg

(t3h sinking ship)
http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/u/L/bush_strategery.jpg

so we push to meet with
the actual people who
supposedly know what
the business does and
wants

Meetings
(t3h sinking ship)
http://www.business-marketing.com/store/termination.html#5578

and, months later, when
we get meetings with
them, it’s a series of
months of meetings with
mostly Managers

(t3h sinking ship)
http://www.growingcoaches.com/webinar.htm

and if that’s not enough,
the CIO (who is a
consultant) sets up his
own Mega-Synergy Task
Force™

(t3h sinking ship)
http://www.brandascension.com/Elevation_Products.html

or “How to waste time
and demoralize people.”

(t3h sinking ship)
http://alternative-gifts.haluy.co.uk/product,details,,63e9efe53d8cd9167025f239b675592e.html

one way to make it clear
how much of a waste of
time meetings are is to
track them via
meetronome. compare with
the cost of the most recent
denied request for, say,
keyboards, wireless router,
non-paralyzing desk chairs,
etc.

show the running
meetronome now.

Be sure to quantify value
(t3h sinking ship)

The Enterprise Strikes Back

(t3h sinking ship)
http://www.startrekdesktopwallpaper.com/wallpapers/StarTrek_starship_Enterprise_NCC1701A_ﬁring_phasers_freecomputerdesktop_wallpaper_1024.shtml

Perceived progress this was presented in
RailsConf 2006, some
snazzy unfolding left to
right, showing all the
things that were
improving
Rails
analysis patterns hire new developers
Rake
continuous integration
continuous integration migrations
nightly conversions switchtower getting more “Real”
svn
trac public svn
goodage

public trac
domain driven design wiﬁ
public releases STI
unit tests
AJAX continuous builder
IRC
Postgres mac laptops
voluntary tickets
cvs auto deployments
stories
public IRC relocating
pair-on-demand
time
Oracle
assigned tickets 1,000 meetings
SQL schemae
suckage

Big Design Up Front
JUnit, etc.
JBoss
CruiseControl CTI
Ant
“deployments” lose technical lead
Java EJB3.0
Hibernate
for-proﬁt partner

(t3h sinking ship)

The ice under the Titanic
goodage

time
wishful thinking by mgmt visionquests t3h webinar

Long-hidden incompetence
Budget padding
Blame Shifting Can’t-Do Attitude

Turf That Which Shall Not Be Named
suckage

Fear of Change
Ass-Covering
Croneyism
Finger-pointing
Old age and treachery
Corporate Politics
That Which Should Not Be

(t3h sinking ship)

Do your best
(t3h sinking ship)
http://www.sffringe.org/fringe06/06pix/sisyphus.jpg

Hiring

A great person is
available and you have 5
shitty people on your
team? No ﬁring in t3h
enterprise.


Hiring is purely about budgets and politics. A slot is open? Fill it with a
warm body. A great person is available? No slot, no hire.
(t3h sinking ship)

10 Interview Questions
For Developers

(t3h sinking ship)

For Developers

• How’s your test coverage?

(t3h sinking ship)

For Developers

• Oracle or SQLServer?

(t3h sinking ship)

For Developers

• Perforce or Bitkeeper?

(t3h sinking ship)

For Developers

• Praise or Annotate?

(t3h sinking ship)

For Developers

• Java or PHP?

(t3h sinking ship)

For Developers

• Java or PHP?
• Singleton or Visitor?

(t3h sinking ship)

For Developers

• Java or PHP?
• Spolsky or Arrington?

(t3h sinking ship)

For Developers

• Java or PHP?
• Have you implemented ﬁnal, destructors, or xdoclet in Ruby?

(t3h sinking ship)

For Developers

• Java or PHP?
• Have you ever written an empty if just to use the else?

(t3h sinking ship)

For Developers

• Java or PHP?
• Have you ever written an empty if just to use the else?
• Who owns the code?
(t3h sinking ship)

For Sysadmins

“Puppet or Cfengine” may
be the only question
with a right answer

(t3h sinking ship)

For Sysadmins

• What’s your deployment process?

with a right answer

(t3h sinking ship)

For Sysadmins

• Security or Availability?

with a right answer

(t3h sinking ship)

For Sysadmins

• XP or Vista?

with a right answer

(t3h sinking ship)

For Sysadmins

• XP or Vista?
• Java or Perl?

with a right answer

(t3h sinking ship)

For Sysadmins

• XP or Vista?
• Java or Perl?
• ksh or tcsh?
with a right answer

(t3h sinking ship)

For Sysadmins

• XP or Vista?
• Java or Perl?
• ksh or tcsh?
•
Ant or Maven? be the only question
with a right answer

(t3h sinking ship)

For Sysadmins

• XP or Vista?
• Java or Perl?
• ksh or tcsh?
•
with a right answer

• ports or yum?

(t3h sinking ship)

For Sysadmins

• XP or Vista?
• Java or Perl?
• ksh or tcsh?
•
with a right answer

• ports or yum?
• Puppet or Cfengine?

(t3h sinking ship)

For Sysadmins

• XP or Vista?
• Java or Perl?
• ksh or tcsh?
•
with a right answer

• ports or yum?
• Puppet or Cfengine?
• CI?
(t3h sinking ship)

Quality

Always strive for EPIC mfn quality.

(t3h sinking ship)
http://stuartscustoms.freeyellow.com/Fairmont.html

Transparency

Be 100% transparent
(t3h sinking ship)
http://www.brianmicklethwait.com/index.php/weblog/computer_transparency/

Transparency

Publicizing your transparency means never having to answer the
question: “Why didn’t I know about this?”
(t3h sinking ship)
http://drinkingliberally.org/blogs/idahofalls/archives/2007/02/his_head_will_g.html

t3h rules

(t3h sinking ship)

The Gantt Chart

(t3h sinking ship)
http://openproj.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gantt_Chart

Mr. Gantt Chart

(t3h sinking ship)
http://www.gantt-chart.biz/gantt-charting-made-easy/

t3h Cant Chart

(t3h sinking ship)

Mr. Cant Chart

(t3h sinking ship)
http://www.ﬂickr.com/photos/atmos/217012352/

t3h Cant Chart

• Identify all the tasks
that you are
responsible for.

(t3h sinking ship)

t3h Cant Chart

• Plot out what
depends on what.

(t3h sinking ship)

t3h Cant Chart

• From those tasks, ﬁnd
the CANT™ – who
is holding up the
works, and what are
their excuses.

• A task can have many
CANTs.

• Tally the CANTs.

(t3h sinking ship)

t3h Cant Chart

• Separate the tasks
you will do from
those with CANTs.

(t3h sinking ship)

t3h Cant Chart
• Apply the secret
sauce CANT formula.

• The big tasks are
where you need to
be focused.

• Your enemies are
those jerks with the
highest CANT
scores.

(t3h sinking ship)

t3h Cant Chart

• You either won or
failed hardcore.

(t3h sinking ship)

For the company

(t3h sinking ship)

For the company


(t3h sinking ship)

For the company

• FogBugz or Excel?

(t3h sinking ship)

For the company


(t3h sinking ship)

For the company

• What’s your HR department like?

(t3h sinking ship)

For the company


(t3h sinking ship)

6
For the company


(t3h sinking ship)

Plowing a new ﬁeld
Donald Miralle/Getty Images, http://recipes.howstuffworks.com/salt5.htm

this is Karl, or a we call him
Karlsbad (at testing)

Any code can be legacy code

Legacy Code
def associate( association, options = {} )
return false unless association &&
association.account_id == self.account_id &&
association.uniq_id != self.uniq_id
options = { :update_record => true }.merge( options )
self.associations.each do |a|
if association.uniq_id == a.uniq_id
return false
end
end
associations << association
self.save_with_validation false
association.associate( self, :update_record => false )
self.save_with_validation false
if options[:update_record]
if self.record
self.record.update_build() if self.record
else
self.record = Record.build_with self
end
end
end

(Legacy Code)

Legacy Code

(plowing a new field)

Characterization Tests
class RecursiveMock
def initialize(args = {})
@stubs = {}.merge(args)
end

def method_missing(meth, *args)
if @stubs.has_key?(meth.to_sym)
return @stubs[meth.to_sym]
end
self
end
end

(Legacy Code)


module Spec::Example::ExampleGroupMethods
def currently(name, &block)
it(quot;*** CURRENTLY *** #{name}quot;, &block)
end

alias_method :she, :it
end

(Legacy Code)

describe YourMom do
before :each { @your_mom = YourMom.new }

currently quot;is at my housequot; do
@your_mom.should be_at_my_house
end

describe quot;when at my housequot; do
before :each do
@your_mom.stubs(:at_my_house?).returns(true)
end

she quot;should take the bus homequot;
end
end

(Legacy Code)

YourMom
- *** CURRENTLY *** is at my house

YourMom when at my house
- should take the bus home (PENDING: Not Yet Implemented)

Pending:
YourMom when at my house should take the bus home (Not
Yet Implemented)

Finished in 0.174782 seconds

2 examples, 0 failures, 1 pending

(Legacy Code)


currently quot;has a summary which includes the amount truncated to dollarsquot; do
@payment.stubs(:account).returns(stub('acct', :name => 'acct 1'))
@payment.amount_in_cents = 1234
@payment.summary.should match(/$12b/)
end

currently quot;has a summary which fails if payment amount is not setquot; do
@payment.stubs(:account).returns(stub('acct', :name => 'acct 1'))
@payment.amount_in_cents = nil
lambda { @payment.summary }.should raise_error
end

(Legacy Code)

old-school cod3rz

(plowing a new field)
http://www.geneontology.org/images/go-database-ER-diagram.png

Feedback
• Cruisecontrol.rb; ﬂog, heckle,
ﬂame; Use EC2 or slices if
needed; Do short iterations,
perform post-mortems

(feedback loops)
http://www.etsu.edu/philos/classes/rk/postmodern/htmdescriptionpages/30paik2desc.jpg

What Rails gets wrong
and when you should care

Fixtures

(rails == wrong)

Fixtures == Cargo Cult

(rails == wrong)

Solution?

(rails == wrong)
http://www.imagechef.com/ic/make.jsp?tid=Bling+Necklace

object_daddy

http://github.com/ﬂogic/object_daddy

(rails == wrong)

Object Daddy
class Category < ActiveRecord::Base
has_many :items

validates_presence_of :name
validates_uniqueness_of :name
end

class Item < ActiveRecord::Base
belongs_to :category

validates_presence_of :category

validates_presence_of :code
validates_uniqueness_of :code
validates_format_of :code, :with => /^[a-zA-Z]+-d+$/
end

Models
(rails == wrong)

Object Daddy
class Category < ActiveRecord::Base
has_many :items

validates_presence_of :name
validates_uniqueness_of :name
end

Model
class Category
generator_for :name, :start => 'test' do |prev|
prev.succ
end
end

Exemplar

(rails == wrong)

Object Daddy
class Item < ActiveRecord::Base
belongs_to :category

validates_presence_of :category

validates_presence_of :code
validates_uniqueness_of :code
validates_format_of :code, :with => /^[a-zA-Z]+-d+$/
end

Model
class Item
generator_for :code, :start => 'test-001' do |prev|
prefix, number = prev.split('-')
[prefix, number.succ].join('-')
end
end

Exemplar
(rails == wrong)

Object Daddy
some unexpected
problems came up while
making this slide.
Loading development environment (Rails 2.0.2)
OD is intended for use in
>> tests, not the console.
This is just an example
for illumination.

It’s kind of difﬁcult to
write tests for how
something works in a
non-test setting.

(rails == wrong)

Object Daddy
some unexpected
making this slide.
>> Category.generate tests, not the console.
=> #<Category id: 26, name: quot;testquot;> This is just an example
for illumination.
>>
write tests for how
something works in a
non-test setting.

(rails == wrong)

Object Daddy
some unexpected
making this slide.
for illumination.
>> Category.generate
=> #<Category id: 27, name: quot;tesuquot;> write tests for how
>> something works in a
non-test setting.

(rails == wrong)

Object Daddy
some unexpected
making this slide.
for illumination.
>> Item.generate something works in a
non-test setting.
=> #<Item id: 4, code: quot;test-001quot;, category_id: 28>
>>

(rails == wrong)

Object Daddy
some unexpected
making this slide.
for illumination.
non-test setting.
>> cat = Category.find :first
=> #<Category id: 26, name: quot;testquot;>
>> cat.items.generate
>>

(rails == wrong)

Object Daddy
some unexpected
making this slide.
for illumination.
non-test setting.
>> Category.generate(:name => 'things')
=> #<Category id: 29, name: quot;thingsquot;>
>>

(rails == wrong)

Object Daddy
some unexpected
making this slide.
for illumination.
non-test setting.
>> Category.generate(:name => 'things')
=> #<Category id: 29, name: quot;thingsquot;>
=> #<Category id: 30, name: quot;teswquot;>

(rails == wrong)

Object Daddy

class Employee
# calls Employee.next_username
generator_for :username, :method => :next_username

# calls SSNGenerator.next
generator_for :ssn, :class => SSNGenerator

generator_for(:hired_on) { Date.today }

generator_for :nickname, 'Bruce'

generator_for :fingers => 5
end

(rails == wrong)

The New Hotness

Sinatra

http://www.amazon.com/Capitol-Years-Frank-Sinatra/dp/B000002UWM

The New Hotness

Hobo

http://akugel.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/the-hobo-code/

The New Hotness

Camping

http://ﬁberﬁb.com/en/benicassim/where-to-sleep/camping-areas/

The New Hotness

Merb

http://www.pastdeadline.com/2007/08/merv-a-man-for-.html

The New Hotness

Ramaze

http://www.geocities.com/athens/2962/colourbook/
http://www.descendingashtray.com/index.php?s=labyrinth

The if expression
- evaluates body if expression is true
- does not evaluate body if expression is false
- does not evaluate else-body if expression is true
- evaluates only else-body if expression is false
- returns result of then-body evaluation if expression is true
- returns result of last statement in then-body if expression is true

or Trustworthy

w00t
Then Now

(rails == wrong)
http://www.juixe.com/techknow/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/ruby_books.png

Metrics

Transactions Per Second
http://www.ﬂickr.com/photos/edame/351834048/

Metrics
Consider the following numbers.
(expected)

Metrics
(expected)

• Transactions per second

Metrics
(expected)

• Users per year

Metrics
(expected)

• Users per year
Which is larger?

Metrics
One more important number to consider.

Metrics
One more important number to consider.

• Dollars per transaction

What has OG done for me lately?

• object_daddy
•
Check it out on github

timely user: flogic

• shmemeter
• autochronic
• freshtrack
• nihilist_bot (& http://ni.hili.st/)
• ultrasphinx_search_wrapper
• flame (aka flog w/ tests & blame)

The 2 Down Days in pr0n

That’s what she said.

(free shizzle)

What does OG stand for?

(free shizzle)


http://www.hermes-press.com/music_portal.htm
(free shizzle)
http://www.hermes-press.com/ice-t.jpg


(free shizzle)
http://www.freefoto.com/preview/09-14-57?fﬁd=09-14-57


(free shizzle)
http://www.nypost.com/seven/03032007/tv/so_easy__even_abc_can_do_it_tv_.htm


(free shizzle)
http://www.samsquanch.ca/images/Friends/the%20riddler.jpg

How much did this meeting cost?

It’s all about the cheddar.

(free shizzle)

In a landmark Bon Jovi song, why
does Jon Bon “play for keeps?”

Waxing Ballroom Floors on the Titanic

Waxing Ballroom Floors on the Titanic

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