LENY

1. 1
INTERMEZZO
Hay dos clases de personas en este mundo, las que pueden
cocinar, y las que no.
Eso no se enseña -se puede supervisar, guiar, aconsejar
Le podras enseñar a alimentarse a alguien, pero a cocinar, jamás

2. 2
O tienes gusto o no lo tienes
Y aquí necesitamos gente con gusto
_____________
All global rockstars are local rockstars first

3. 3
+++++++
The windshield shatters.
He starts yelling.
'Who the fuck -what the fuck- who's gonna pay for this...'
He doesn't even slow down!
I'm trying to brush the glass off my blouse and your father's
speeding down the pan-american at a hundred and fifty
kilometers

4. 4
'Don't you think we should slow down?' I tell him
'I'm not stopping in the middle of this darkness.'
'But we have no windshield.'
'This isn't a safe place to stop.'
'Could you at least slow down... this is ridiculous.'
'Leny, listen to me: we're not thinking of slowing down until we
see some lights, ok?'
'Someone could be hurt back there!'
'Or we'll get hurt back there. We can't think about anything until
we find a place with lights.'
+++++

5. 5
Art is about the unsaid
++++++

6. 6
One of my aims became to never follow a warning label
+++++++
We found a gas station.

7. 7
There was a young guy behind the counter.
__________

8. 8
My greatest epiphany was realizing that I could make art
designed to be left behind
Not something you want to take with you
But something to throw away
to haul out with the trash
And yet -something someone else might be tempted to keep
And drag it home with them
My art needed to be useless yet full of possibilities
But most importantly
It needed to be heavy.

9. 9
__________
La Web is el mejor invento desde la televisión
Es incomparable
Los bobos te hablan de viajes espaciales, de los submarinos más

10. 10
grandes del mundo
La tecnología que expande la mente
Es la única moral que queda
_______________

11. 11
The young guy offers us a ride to his cousin's place
Says his cousin has a tow truck and they can give us a lift to the
next town over
Says we're lucky we caught him -he was closing up
He counts some cash while your father and I stock up on
junkfood
The he shuts off the Gas Station sign and kills the lights
and we step out into the night air again, i hear crickets
we get back in the car, pull back out into the panamerican and
follow the guy's car slowly up the road

12. 12
______
A few kilometers up the road we veer off into an improvised exit,
up a hill and onto a dirt road
I can smell the night air and it smells of orange flowers
Your father's driving and clearing square chunks of security glass
from the windshield frame; he's checking for blood
'See,' he says. 'If there's no blood there's no harm no foul'
'Whatever broke crashed against us could be lying dead at the
side of the road.'

13. 13
'There's no blood, Leny. It was a tree. Or a rock. Some kids
playing with rocks.'
'That didn't sound like a rock,' I say. 'And I haven't seen a child
in over a week.'
________________

14. 14
Hairstylists are artists
because everyone at some point is convinced they can cut their
own hair
and then they see the results
and then you learn that some things are better left to
professionals
_________

15. 15
The single sanest thing you can do to remain sane is to have a
double life
The second sanest is remaining childless

16. 16
__________________
My goddaughter stops walking and asks me: 'What happens when
I die?'
Birds sing.
'The story ends,' I reply. 'At least your story ends, all the other
stories continue.'
'There are other stories?'
'You have no idea,' I stop. 'Are you just realizing this now?'
'I was thinking about it last cycle,' she says. 'La Yin's
cockerpooniel disappeared. La Yesi say's she's dead.'
'Who's dead?'

17. 17
'La Yuni.'
'Who's La Yuni?'
'The cockerspooniel, Tía. You never listen to me.'
'I listen, I do nothing but listen. But all those names start
sounding the same.'
'So what happens?'
'Next?'
'When I die.'
'Nothing.'
'What do you mean nothing?' she says. Such innocence.
'Nothing happens. It all stops and you finally have time to read.'
'To read? To read what?'
'Whatever you want, it doesn't matter. Only you know what you
like to read.'
'So when I die I can read?'
'As long as you want -you never get sleepy and you never have
to get up until you want to finish reading.'
'That doesn't sound so bad,' she says

18. 18
'It isn't -make sure you read the finest things'
We reach the end of the boardwalk and her hand is still locked
inside mine.
'But La Yuni can't read'
'What?'
'La Yuni, the cockerspooniel, she doesn't read, she's just a bitch.'
'Don't worry,' I say. 'Dead bitches get to watch movies.'
+++++++

19. 19
There are two types of bitches in this colony: mixes and inbreds.
And they don't get along, never have

20. 20
+++++++
Inbreds carry big purses everywhere they go.
They're constantly on their iPhones.
They try hard at everything they do. A little too hard.

21. 21
++++++++
We fastforward through other people's stories because we think
their time is less valuable than ours.
The older you are and the slower you move the more likely we
will skip through it.

22. 22
___________
A tu padre lo botaron de su trabajo y llego a casa anunciando:
'Compré un restaurante.'
Mi hermana Ely nunca ha hervido un huevo en su perra vida, así
que vinieron donde mi a pedirme ayuda.

23. 23
+++++++
The truth is that few old people are cool
what can I say it's true that all of the good die young
so then only the mean old men remain
and the mousy women
and the conservatives get more conservative

24. 24
and the liberals become conservative
and everyone is just terrified to die
and it makes them mean and greedy
and it all so dull
And everyone gets sick and forgets
and only the healthy ones remain
bored
waiting
waiting for a train that never comes

25. 25
+++++++++++++
Lo que más recuerdo son las olas
+++++++++++++

26. 26
You know I once lived in San Blas for a while and when I first
arrived I remember standing on the boat observing the women
talk to each other in the distance, wondering what on earth did
they chirp to each other in that sweet language of theirs
Now I know the answer of course:
Gossip
___________

27. 27
I have come to the conclusion that humanity is nothing but
fighting machines for the entertainment of kings
+++++++

28. 28
Demasiadas niñas tontas se pasan su vida queriendo ser bonitas
cuando deben aspirar a ser cool.
Interesantes.
Una niña que no sabe cocinar es solterona asegurada.
Las que no pueden leer no pueden pensar.
+++++

29. 29
I don't check my voicemails because it's crazy.
who cares what you said to a machine three hours ago?
call me again.
if its that important, call me again
or wait a week and I'll call you back
and you'll thank me for it

30. 30
____________

31. 31
Epilogue:
Nineteen years later lipitoids became widely accepted and finally
entered the mainstream markets.
Two years later Belgian scientists successfully transliterated
personal broadcasts into mass messages aimed at willing
recipients. Ten years after that the first subcutaneous broadcast
chip was patented.
It was implanted into Patient Zero.
From there followed the forging and strengthening of La Web
and long decades of experimentation. Human thoughts beamed
across the planet in a unified blanket of understanding that
brought about an era of peace and prosperity theretofore
unknown to man.
Then the seeds that provide the active ingredient in lipitoids
begin to falter -a suspected overbreeding- panic takes its toll
and crops around the world start showing signs of infertility until
generation after generation fall fallow.
In a desperate attempt at manufacturing artificial lipitoids two

32. 32
British researchers working in a Paris lab tune their broadcast
receptors into a previously undetected part of the spectrum.
It takes several decades before the feeds in these uncharted
regions can be decrypted and documented.
At the height of the pre-war years, a team of scientists in the
United States publish an exhaustive compendium of the contents
in the feeds of the newly discovered spectrum.
They call these collected volumes 'The Unspoken : Dispatches
From Beyond The Great NeuroWall' and the books quickly become
the most reproduced piece of human text in recorded history.
Two years later the wars began.
________________

33. 33
The guy from the gas station wakes up his cousins and your
father and I wait in the living room while the two men dress in
identical clothes and brew a pot of coffee.
They seem to speak in their own private language.
El tipo de la estación despierta a sus primos y tu padre y yo nos
sentamos en la sala mientras estos dos hombres se visten con
ropas idénticas y se disponen a hervir café.
Parecen hablar en una lengua privada, excluyendo aun hasta
el primo quien se mantiene parado en el umbral de la cocina,
ojeando unos catálogos. Nadie nos ofrece algo de tomar, ni
siquiera agua.

34. 34
Los gemelos comen en silencio, se ponen overoles y amarran los
lazos de sus botas con los mismos lazos, sincronizados.
'Tiene plata?' le pregunta uno a tu padre.
'Si.'
'Venga pues'
Después de una coreografía complicadísima que involucra muchos
gritos y órdenes, muchos beeps y acarreo de motores y cadenas,
nos subimos de vuelta al carro. Viajamos como sheiks en
camellos, casi en silencio.
'Porque no quitastes la mano?' me dice
'De que hablas?'
'Hace un rato, te tomé la mano y no la quitastes'
'Que se yo,' le miento. 'Capaz que ni me di cuenta.'
'Como no te vas a dar cuenta de que la única otra persona en el
carro te toma de la mano?
'No se si recuerdas esto, pero en esos momentos estabamos
viviendo un terrible accidente.'
'Entonces si te distes cuenta.'

35. 35
'Me di cuenta que nunca mas me voy a montar en un carro
contigo'
No responde. Me imagino que está acostumbrado a lidiar con
gruas y extraños en medio de la nada, a llevar plata consigo y
poder comprar algo de orden en medio del caos.
'Voy a descansar,' le digo.
'Echa el asiento atrás.'
Tiro la manivela pero se atasca con algo; tiro más fuerte. Nada.
'Tu carro es una mierda.'
Me quito el cinturón y subo entre los dos asientos, a ver si puedo
estirarme atrás, a ver si no quedó muy lleno de vidrios.
En ese momento la grúa da un girón para esquivar un hueco o
un animal y pierdo el balance y caigo de bruces en el asiento
trasero.
Mi cabeza choca contra algo metálico
'Que fue eso?' pregunta tu padre
'Mi cabeza, Tuto' le digo. 'Prende la luz, hay algo aquí.'
A tu padre le toma un momento encontrar la perilla de la luz. Mis
manos exploran el objeto a tientas, mis dedos sobre la superficie
sin irregularidades, fría en unas partes pero caliente en otras.

36. 36
'La luz, Tuto!'
'Ya voy,' dice. 'Acuérdate que el carro es nuevo.'
Por fin encuentra el switch y prende la luz y se voltea a ver lo que
tengo ya en mis manos.
Hasta el día de hoy cada vez que nos vemos veo en su cara la
expresión que me recuerda aquella noche en el carro, cuando se
dió la vuelta y me vió cargando como un bebé una cosa sólida y
cilíndrica complicada y claramente militar que a todas luces es
una bomba.
____________

37. 37
Mi primera misión en el restaurante fue conseguir una asistente
que me ayudara a cocinar
Mas de quince niñas vinieron a preguntar por el trabajo y les dije
que primero tenían que venir una tarde y ayudarme con la cena.
Una prueba para poder decidir.
Algunas te dabas cuenta inmediatamente que nos servían para
nada: todo so les caía de las manos, o tenían que medir cada
ingrediente en multiples tazas antes de echarlo a la olla. Incluso
algunas se tomaban las cervezas sin preguntar, o se preparaban
sendas viandas que apartaban para ellas mismas aun antes de
servirle a los clientes.
La primera semana una hasta trato de meterle mano a la caja
registradora.
Pero lo más claro era que en los primero cinco minutos ya yo me
he dado cuenta si pueden cocinar o no.
Se ve en el orden de la preparación, en la actitud ante la comida
Asi fui depurando a las candidatas, quedándome con las más
artistas hasta que quedaron dos
Y a esas dos las invite juntas a que me ayudaran un fin de
semana entero, con paga.
A que conocieran bien a tus padres.

38. 38
Una de las niñas no duró ni la primera noche. Se le puso
impertinente a unos clientes y despues furibunda porque tu
padre no dejaba de mandarla y criticarla. Se largó mucho antes
que cerraramos sin siquiera reclamar su plata. Solo dijo que la
llamaban en su casa y no la vimos más.
La otra casi ni habló y no hacía más que sonreir a los clientes.
Cortaba los vegetales sin mirar y no dejo quemar nada en el
aceite caliente así que al final del turno tu padre le dijo que
regresara al día siguiente y el siguiente a ese
Y hoy, esa muchacha que escogí de todas es tu mamá.
____________

39. 39
El artista debe acostumbrarse a trabajar en cámara lenta.
Un poquito aquí, un poquito acá.
Tomarse dos años descascarillando la pintura de una puerta para
no dañar la madera.
Eso lo aprendí de Alfredo.
________

40. 40
When I met him I already knew he was a fuck-up. The black
sheep of the family.
Everybody told me the same stories: he crashes every car he
ever drives, he crashes every business, he can't get a thing right.
Yet they all knew his name, and they all talked about him as if
they just had drinks with him last night. In the tiny world of
Isthmus that means you're doing something right.
Almost every single person in Isthmus is scared of the same
thing: of people talking about them behind their back. 'El Que
Dirán.'
But your dad didn't care about that. For all accounts he barely
took notice of it.
After years of hearing his name mentioned in relation to all
kinds of outrageous stories, all night-parties and the like, some
girlfriend of mine finally pointed him out to me one day at a large
dinnerparty.
'That's him.' she said. 'He just came in'

41. 41
'Who?'
'The guy I've been talking to you about, with the car crashes and
the girlfriends.'
'Which one?' I ask. I had formed a very clear image of him in
my mind already. 'The tall one with the nice haircut?
'Don't be silly,' she says. 'That's Jaime Alberto Alemán.'
I didn't go out much in those circles. I was always busy studying
something or helping my mother out. I recognized some of the
faces at this dinnerparty, but I couldn't peg them with names.
People have walked up to me all night and kissing my cheek and
kissing my hand and I honestly don't know who eighty percent of
them were.
I'm afraid I've just got no mind for such things.
Just then the crowd parts a little and reveals a short little man,
dark hair, dark skin, sunglasses. He does not have a nice haircut.
'That's him' says my girlfriend and rushes to say hello. She grabs
my wrist and leads me down the stairs. 'That's Elías'
He whips off his glasses and meets a couple of friends with hugs
and kisses. I remember him laughing. He's laughing the most
wonderful laugh.

42. 42
_______
It turns out that researchers who studied and tallied La Web were
able to map out 3D models of a juicy piece of gossip as it makes
its way through the population
It starts out thick and heavy, circulating endlessly back and
forth among those with strong social connections -people heavily
invested in updates and counteropinions
By graphing the incidence rate of popular words the researchers

43. 43
can visualize the evolving message, simplifying as it spreads,
as irrelevant details and meanderings fall aside. Until it filters a
generation or two upwards (rarely down) and is distilled to a ten-
word essence: 'the child of so-and-so got in trouble with [blank]'
__________

44. 44
I didn't wait to be introduced. I greeted him as if I had known
him all my life. I almost inquired about his family but luckily I
stopped myself.
It didn't take long until we were promenading alone on the
balcony.
'I've never met you before tonight, have I?'
'No,' I admit. 'Sorry about that.'
'Thats what I thought,' he says. 'I'm absolutely sure I would
have remembered you.'
'I've just heard so much about you, I feel like I know you
already.'
'Them, huh?' he points back to a group of our common friends
inside. They've been staring and whispering to each other but
now they pretend to look away, joke and laugh.
'You're a regular celebrity around these parts,' I tell him.
'I am no local celebrity,' he stops and takes my arm in his. He
looks in my eyes. 'I am an Isthmus superstar.'

45. 45
_____________
The best relationship you can have is where you envision your
current lover as your ex-lover
the good ex-lover

46. 46
the who teaches you
the one who prepares you for the real relationship that follows
and you will not have that relationship unless you learn to cook
you have to learn to cook
_________

47. 47
The Central Message Of The Bible Is That You Shouldn't Get Into
Politics
Promise me you will never get into politics.
__________________
The best lie you can tell someone is that you're busy

48. 48
It's perfect and works everytime
____________

49. 49
I guess you could call it a secret love affair
but we really had nothing to hide
it was completely innocent
____________________

50. 50
He was just fun. That's all.
Everyone else I knew was always worried about something -
their studies weren't good enough, their parents were fighting,
someone's sister was sick but your dad was not worried. He
would come pick me up and we would go out to dinner and
dancing and friends would join us and we would laugh and just
have fun.
We kept spending time together.
You should've seen those tongues wagging. Everyone's talking
about us.
We didn't pay that any mind -we just have a good time, and talk
and laugh. I get to know him well and I see that he's a genuinely
good person. Don't get me wrong, he has his faults, we all

51. 51
have our faults, but he means nobody harm and that's almost a
miracle right there. To find people who mean you no harm.
We didn't go to parties often. It's always cafés and theater plays
and readings.
A few art galleries or the opening-night of some joint.
You see the same faces over and over again until you learn their
names, you engage them in conversation
That world vanished long ago, my child.
The art of conversation is dead.
______________

52. 52
The truth is that precocious children transform into insufferable
adults
_______
His first words to me are:
‘Put that thing down.’

53. 53
But I’m frozen.
‘Leny,’ he says. ‘Put down the bomb.’
I look at him, he looks like someone erased his eyebrows off his
face.
‘You think it looks like a bomb, too?’
‘What else could it be? Put it down.’
‘I can’t move, Tuto. Maybe it’s an alarm clock’
‘The numbers in alarm clocks don’t go backwards.’
‘What do the numbers say?’
‘There’s a lot of them.’
‘Are they close to zero?’
‘Leny,’ he yells, ’put the fucking thing down!’
I keep my arms extended to full length and gently deposit the
whirring and beeping machine back into the backseat - scattered
shattered safety glass
I climb halfway back into the frontseat
‘What’re you doing?’ he says

54. 54
I freeze again
‘We can’t see the numbers now!’
‘You’re kidding me’
‘We have to see the numbers’
I see he’s serious -his eyebrows haven’t yet returned so I lean
over and put my hands back on the bomb
I twist it gently in place until the numbers are showing
‘They’re upside down!’
‘Can you read them?’ I ask
‘Yes.’ I look back and he’s twisting his head to see the numbers
better.
‘That’s good enough.’ I say and climb back fully into the
frontseat.
I take his hand into mine. ‘What now?’
Seconds pass, eons pass. Pandora plays Lionel Richie.
When I left my house today, I was only thinking of dancing. I
wanted to have fun and laugh. I wanted to see my friends.
How would I know I’d end up stuck in a car with a bomb?
I look into your father’s eyes and he’s as terrified and paralyzed

55. 55
as I was in the backseat.
I shake him a little bit.
‘Ángelo’ I tell him. ‘We gotta stop the car’
________

56. 56
He picked me up in his beautiful blue car and I was ready. He
wasn’t late or anything, Tato was never late.
I was just excited to go and excited to see him and I was all
dressed up, leaning back in the study, reading a book like a
proper young lady
The doorbell rings; your grandmother opens the door
‘Tato’s here!’
I come downstairs and she’s interrogating him already
‘Tell me about this party,’ she says. ‘Who’s going to be there?’
‘Some people from school, some friends, some dancing,’ he
says, ’nothing major.’
He turns to me.
‘You look amazing!’
‘I blush.’
‘Doesn’t she look amazing, Tia?’
Your grandmother laughs and hugs me, then hugs him and kisses
us both.
‘Take good care of her,’ she says to Tato. ‘You’re not going to be
drinking, are you?’

57. 57
‘Not while I’m driving.’
‘How’s your brother?’
‘He’ll meet us there,’ he says. ‘He’s bringing a date’
‘A nice girl, I hope,’ says your grandmother and she waves us
goodbye. ‘Have fun!’
‘Knowing him,’ says Tato. ‘I doubt it.’
___________

58. 58
I’m tired tonight.
I’d like to just look at you.
________________
Everyone was at the party. Just one of those nights, people are
restless at home when the time comes to dress-up and spritz the
perfume water and we can’t say no. We say yes.

59. 59
His brother was there with some trashy girl, those used to be his
type. Permanent makeup, unconventional piercings, you know
the type -temporary tattoos.
I dance with Tato all night. My hair hangs down my back
drenched in sweat but I don’t care. At some point I kick off my
shoes and dance in my bare feet on the back deck.
I even get him to take off his shoes.
As I head inside to get us some drinks I accidentally overhear a
few girls gathered by the glass door.
‘Those two should just get a room, already,’ says one of them.
‘So gross the way she slobbers all over him like that.’
I keep walking of course, as if I could not hear a thing
‘Some bitches have no class,’ says the other
My brain was boiling in rage but I just kept walking all the way to
the kitchen with a singleminded purpose. I put ice in cups and
seltzer water for your dad when the idea struck me to prepare
myself a martini.
I’m not sure exactly how it goes - vermouth, and gin and some
olive juice I found in the fridge.
I mix it all in a wide champagne glass and walk back carrying the
drinks outside.

60. 60
The harpies are still there, gossipping away, fawning over your
father.
‘I love his smile, don’t you love his smile?’ says one
‘It’s like he doesn’t have a care in the world,’ says another
‘Excuse me! Hi!’ I must’ve startled them. The acoustics in this
room are quite remarkable
‘Hi, I’m sorry to interrupt,’ I say and I point to my hands busy
with drink glasses. ‘Could I have some help with the door,
please?’
‘Of course, of course,’ a sudden chorus of solicitousness
Two of them approach and hold the door open for me
‘Thank You,’ I say. I nod towards Tato. ‘Beautiful guy, isn’t he?’
They two harpies are thunderstruck -they look back at the other
harpies and then break into uncontrollable giggles.
‘He’s alright,’ says one
‘I think he’s amazing,’ I say. ‘I’m gonna get smashed and then
I’ll do whatever he tells me to do. I’ll let him do anything.’
The harpies stare dumbfounded
‘Have a nice day, girls. Wish me luck!’

61. 61
I slide the glass door in place with my foot before a single sound
escapes their mouths
I walk over and hand Tato his drink and not once do we look back
or acknowledge the harpies again.
_________________
Tu padre se pone a pitar como un desaforado, a prender y apagar

62. 62
las luces altas, pero la grúa ni disminuye la velocidad.
Los primos ni se dan por enterados.
‘No se dan cuenta,’ me dice.
‘Nos están ignorando, Tuto’
Me parece que la grúa acelera.
Sigue pitando el muy pendejo.
‘Deja esa vaina,’ le digo. ‘Hay que salir de aquí’
Trato de abrir la puerta, pero la carrocería de la grúa lo impide.
‘Desabróchate el cinturón,’ le digo a Tuto.
‘Como salimos?’
Le doy un vistazo a los numeros rojos que brillan desde la
oscuridad y retroceden a un ritmo desconocido
Nuestros ojos se encuentran y reconozco la única manera de
hacerlo reaccionar
Me inclino sobre tu padre y lo ayudo a desabrochar el cinturón.
Tomo su cara en mis manos y beso sus labios con cuidado.
‘Eso que fue?’ me dice
‘Para que me sigas,’ digo

63. 63
‘Y donde vas?’
‘Hay que salir por el sunroof.’
_____________

64. 64
Hay dos clases de yeguas en este mundo: las liberales y las
conservadoras.
Las dos muerden igual de duro y rebuznan cuando tienen que
rebuznar
Pero las yeguas liberales son más divertidas, tienen mejores
ideas. En general viven con menos miedos en sus vidas.
Las conservadoras tienden a ser mas bobas. Se enfocan más en
apariencias porque no entienden mas allá de medidas y colores y
órdenes.
Pero lo más curioso de las yeguas conservadoras es que aprecian
su ignorancia, se enorgullecen de ella como los pavoreales. Ellas
creen que tener conocimientos y no tener conocimiento alguno
son simplemente dos estados distintos pero equivalentes.
In short, they don’t have a fucking clue.
No les da el coco.
Entonces frente al infinito caos del universo, a las conservadoras
no les queda otra que refugiarse en la iglesia, en los maridos
políticos y prepotentes, en un rol de beata y madre que es peor
que cargar una burka de por vida.
Adoran su ignorancia -la apodan. Se la echan encima como una
manta de invisibilidad y salen al mundo envueltas en fragancias
caras

65. 65
Nosotras forjamos un camino distinto. Reclamamos el derecho
de adaptarnos a la situación que habitamos. Reclamamos la
libertad de cambiar indefinidamente y a perpetuidad.
Ves?
Las conservadoras se inventan límites.
Nosotras creamos horizontes.
______________

66. 66
Era hermosa, tu madre.
Siempre encontrabamos tema de conversación.
Nos escapábamos y dejábamos a tu padre solo atendiendo a los
clientes.
Nos recostamos en su carro a fumar y tomar el sol.
A conversar.
Cuando Ely murió yo dejé de respirar por seis o siete meses. El
aire pasaba por mis pulmones pero no me inflaba. Operaba sin
vida.
Gracias a Dios los abuelos los cuidaron bien a ustedes, porque
Tuto tampoco funcionaba. El Revulú todavia no se defendía en
la cocina -estaba muy chiquito- y tú... tu necesitabas muchos
cuidados y gracias a Dios los abuelos se encargaron de eso.

67. 67
Tuto se fue a la playa.
A veces me mandaba mesajes:
‘Que lindo el mar hoy!’
‘Espectacular sunset!’
‘Es como nadar en una piscina’
Nunca me manda mensajes cuando el mar esta revuelto o cuando
el rio inunda la orilla de basura
No me habla de los animales que en tiempos de lluvia pasan
flotando hinchados, ahogados, a perderse en el mar.
Siempre:
‘Las olas perfectas para saltar hoy!’
‘Almuerzo donde Petita!’
Tato siempre me cuenta el mismo cuento de cuando eran niños

68. 68
y se despertaban temprano a comprar el pan y montaban
las bicicletas por el pueblo desperezándose. Las michas bien
calientitas y la señora que atiende les regala pan de dulce de
ñapa y un duro para compartir. Y van con las bicicletas al mar
las llevan hasta la orilla y se sientan a comerse el pan de dulce y
desmigajar las michas y tirárselas a las gaviotas.
Los abuelos mandaron a Tato a la playa a buscarlo, pero Tato
encontró la casita vacía.
Todo estaba en su lugar, todo limpio y en orden pero no había
rastro de tu papá ni una explicación. Ninguno de los vecinos lo
había visto en el pueblo.
Tato regresó a la playa a buscarlo por meses -quizás años- le
tienes que preguntar tu.
Siempre encontró la casita limpia, sin polvo.
Pero completamente vacía.

69. 69
_____________
We climb out the sunroof and slide down the windshield and land
on the hood with a thud.
The men in the towtruck haven’t noticed our escape -we speed
into the night, the wind roaring against our ears.
Tuto grabs my shoulder and points upward: four helicopters with
searchlights escort the towtruck, two in front, two behind. The
lights roam incessantly over the road ahead.

70. 70
I motion him to keep following me and I scramble my way down
the grill of the car and onto the tow platform. He looks doubtful
but makes his way to me; we’re now crouched against the back
of the cabin.
I look around us, but all the chains and levers look exactly the
same.
Your father grabs a short metal pole and stretches it across me.
The tip reaches a red button I had not yet noticed. The button’s
labeled ‘Boot Release.’
He mouths ‘help me’ and I grab the pole and together we aim it
dead center down the button and we push with all our strength,
you father’s polished shoes steadying his weight against a
greased chain.
We press down the button and a red light comes on. The crunch
of machinery moving.
The chains shift and flex and Tuto loses his balance and falls
back into a nest of levers. One of his shoes flies off under the
carriage.
The tow platform slides back until Tuto’s car’s tires touch the road
and then the chains tense up and the towtruck swerves like mad.
Tires screeching, clouds of dust, rubber burning.
I sort the machinery and reach Tuto and we press ourselves

71. 71
against the cabin just as four helicopter searchlights alight
directly on our faces.
____________________

72. 72
Las yeguas somos una bendición.
_______________

73. 73
Now they had to stop the towtruck and as soon as it slowed down
enough Tuto and I jumped out and started running.
At first two of the searchlights shone on us as if we were bugs,
but they quit almost right away and returned to light up the
truck.
We’re running, your father half-barefoot, trying to reach the
darkness and the trees at the edge of the road, somewhere to
hide.
From our hiding place we turned back to see the twin cousins and
the guy from the gas station jump from the bed of the two truck
and hit the ground running in all directions that lead away from
the bomb.
Your father pulls me away, and we run through the woods,
scuttling over bushes and tripping on roots and as soon as we
reach a hill that overlooks the road the sky splits in a crack of
thunder and for a second the day turns to night and we turn

74. 74
around just in time to see the biggest orangest fireball I’ve yet to
had to pleasure to again witness rising above the trees.
We didn’t stop running all night.
And your father never tried to kiss me again.

75. 75
____________
El siguiente y último mensaje que recibí de tu papá provino de
una clínica en Rochester cuatro años después:
‘Hermosa la nieve hoy!’

76. 76
______________
Tuto termino peleandose con su date y la niña se fue de la fiesta

77. 77
con una manadita de otras niñas góticas.
Entonces quedamos nosotros tres caminando por el jardín
fumando cigarrillos importados que sus primos les mandan del
extranjero. Hablando tonterías y echándonos chistes.
Los hermanos se martirizan entre ellos.
‘Sabes que Tato se meo en la cama hasta los doce años,’ dice
Tuto
‘Dos veces! Dos veces en un año. Y la segunda vez estaba
borracho.’
‘A los doce?’ pregunto
‘Ya ves porque ahora no tomo,’ dice Tato
‘Por favor no me hablen de orine,’ les digo y salto sobre una
quebradita que fluye por la finca. ‘No me aburran con cosas
asquerosas.’
‘Sabes que Tuto repitió un grado en primaria,’ dice Tato
‘Estuve enfermo la mitad del año!’
‘Y cuando repitió al año siguiente,’ sigue Tato, ‘solo pasó por
copión - los amigos le pasaban los exámenes viejos’
‘Es bueno ser popular,’ dice Tuto
Verlos juntos es como presenciar un show de vaudeville -- se

78. 78
acomodan los insultos y le dan fuego a la jodedera haciéndose los
ofendidos.
‘Y tu qué?’ me pregunta Tuto
‘Yo?’
‘Tu qué aportas de tu vida -- algo que te de vergüenza’
A tu padre nunca le ha importado ser el hijueputa.
‘A mi nada me da vergüenza,’ miento. ‘Todo me da igual.’
‘No tienes ninguna indiscreción en tu pasado?’ me azuza
‘No,’ sigo mientiendo. ‘Yo soy una chica buena y aburrida. Me
gusta mucho leer.’
‘Pues a mi me contaron una indiscreción tuya,’ me dice.
‘Tuto no seas pesado,’ dice tu papa
‘Un bochinche mio?’ pregunto. ‘Cuéntamelo!’
‘Tuto, cállate la boca,’ dice Tato
‘No, déjalo,’ insisto. ‘Me muero por saber que dice la gente de
mi.’

79. 79
‘Me ha llegado de fuentes de mi digna confianza,’ dice Tuto, ‘que
no eres ni tan aburrida ni tan buena niña como pareces.’
El hermano lo empuja. ‘Estás borracho ya a esta hora?’ le grita.
‘Cuantas minas vas a explotar en una noche?’
Tuto empuja a tu papá al suelo y me toma por la cintura. Acerca
sus labios a mi oido y susurra:
‘Mi hermano está enamorado de tí y todo el mundo lo sabe’
Y se manda a correr colina abajo, sorteando las piedras en la
oscuridad
Tato corre a perseguirlo y desaparecen los dos hermanos
gritándose entre los árboles
Yo me doy media vuelta y camino de vuelta a la fiesta.

80. 80
____________
Party food requires the most joy to prepare. Good bouncy music
has to be playing. Everyone needs to be smiling and joking
around.
Lately some of the regulars have started to inquire about

81. 81
reserving the entire dining area some evening for a celebration,
and although it took your father by surprise he quickly came up
with an attractive package for a good price and soon we had a
party in the joint almost every weekend.
I was in charge of making the menus and I tried to distill the
most popular dishes we made to their essence: rice and prawns
and hot peppers and coconut milk. Plantains and cinammon and
butter.
Fresh fruit and pastries.
Sometimes your father would order a special delivery from one of
his highschool buddies and a truck would pull up and unload piles
of flanksteaks that your father would marinate overnight.
Eventually even Ely got into the act -- she would show up with
plants and strings of tiny lights and hanging lanterns, and she’d
spend hours arranging them just so.
The only grinch in the scene was always your brother Revulú.
He couldn’t care less about the rush of people dashing back and
forth with arms full of boxes and bags and bottles and pots and
pans. He sat under the biggest window in the kitchen and read
his book, and rarely did he look up to catch sight of the action.
He only got up to eat and fetch bottles of soda.
It was at one of these parties that your mom and dad met for the
first time.

82. 82
By then Gretel and I had grown closer and closer and I trusted
her with just about all the important decisions in the kitchen.
Tuto warns me that next weekend his meat-truck buddy will
deliver three times the usual amount for a large party we’ve
booked.
He asks Gretel to round up a few assistants for the weekend.
We spend the night before the party marinating the slabs of
skirtsteak and drinking rosé winecoolers. Tuto was busy with
last-minute negotiations with the beer suppliers.
Gretel recruited two of her cousins -each lovelier than the other-
plus a neighbor who had worked with us before and her little
brother, a pipsqueak of a boy, to run errands. The girls peel
potatoes and slice onions and we laugh and dance to the hi-fi.
Your mother shows up with Tato -- she brings him along to
take measurements for a ‘Happy Anniversary’ banner she’s
determined to paint for the party. Your dad is in full bloom these
days -- he’s just come back from The First and he’s radiant and
confident, smiling. He’s dressed in jeans and a white tshirt and
his hair is long and messy.
Tato walks into the kitchen like a bomb blast; all the girly noise
turns to dead silence.
‘Don’t mind me, ladies,’ he says and smiles at them. ‘I come in
peace and love.’

83. 83
He hugs and kisses me.
‘You look great today,’ he says. ‘You smell like culantro.’
I introduce him around and when he gets to your mom:
‘So you’re the famous Gretel. I’ve heard so much about you, I
feel like I already know you.’
‘As I do you,’ she says, not missing a beat.
‘Leny really loves you,’ he says. ‘You must be really special. I
can’t wait to fall in love with you, too’
She blushes and he moves and and sweet-talks Gretel’s cousins
and the neighbor and pats the little brother on the head.
That’s what your dad is, the sweetest roving tornado you’ve ever
laid eyes on.
Just as suddenly as he came in he was gone. He helps Ely with
the measurements and she waves to me from the parking lot. I
wave back and return to my cooking.

84. 84
++++++
Next day the guests started arriving early but most of the food
was already done and waiting.
They caught Tato by surprise and left him scrambling to finish the
mural on the wall; it read:
‘Feliz Aniversario, Con Todo Nuestro Am’
The guests grab beers, walk up to his ladder and chat him up -
- so how long you been an artist? do you also paint signs for
storefronts? I have this beautiful little girl, she looks like an
angel, you should do a portrait.

85. 85
Gretel shows up and shoos away the crowd
‘Déjenlo trabajar!’ she says. ‘Que llegan los señores y no está
terminado.’
Tato paints out the remaining letters and climbs down and kisses
Gretel on the cheek.
‘Thank You.’
Blushing, Gretel assembles the children and grandchildren of the
honored couple. They take markers and sign their names under
the mural.
The guests of honor arrive and the crowd bursts into applause.
The children hug their mother and she’s sobbing; they unveil the
mural and now she’s laughing and sobbing. The mother kisses
everyone within reach and when they point out Tato to her as
the artist she practically picks him up in a fierce bear hug. He’s
surprised but laughs and relaxes into her embrace.
The crowd claps. The food vanishes.
Six months later we’re throwing what seems like the same party
for your grandparents. Their friends and the family are all here,
and we spent the last two nights preparing the feast.
Now Tato and Gretel display their affections more openly.
You can peek at them holding hands when they think noone’s
watching. Or they’ll kiss each other full on the mouth to say
goodbye.

86. 86
Some nights, she tells me, they just lie in each others arms for
hours and say nothing.
When the time comes to unveil your grandparents’ mural the
guests gather in a semicircle and he musicians of a live band your
father hired snare out a long drumroll.
Your Dad, Tato, gets up to speak
‘I’d like to dedicate this mural to the evergreen love and devotion
that our parents, Matilde and Angelo Elías, have mysteriously
kept alive for what is it now? Fiftysix? Fiftysix years, ladies and
germs.
Stop crying, mom! Wait until you see it at least!’
The crowd laughs. They clap to hurry him.
‘I love you, Mom and Dad. You do your best and your best
simply works.’
He pulls off the sheet and the mural comes into view.
The crowd gasps.
A few of the aunts giggle uncomfortably.
And then.
‘What the fuck is that?’ Your grandfather. ‘Are you mocking me,
are you mocking your mother, child?’

87. 87
The mural shows two iconic images from our family history, the
wedding picture and the family-at-beach-with-babies picture
painted with amazing photoreality and yet...
‘What do you mean to say by painting this at our party,’
your grandfather’s now climbed onstage to both inspect the
monstrosity and berrate his son more closely. ‘Have you no
shame!’
In each of the pictures Tato had morphed one of your
grandparents into the other -that is: in the wedding picture,
your father was both groom and bride; in the beach picture your
young grandmother wore both a bikini and swimming trunks
and a moustache. The words ‘Time : The Greatest Equalizer’
stretched out in red script between the figures.
‘Some people consider it an honor to get your portraits painted,’
yells Tato. ‘It’s not mockery, it’s Art.’
‘You’re no artist,’ spits out your grandfather. ‘Stop pretending.’
Your grandmother’s in tears and the musicians are hurriedly
packing their instruments.
Tato grabs your elderly grandfather by the lapels and pulls him
up so that they are eye to eye. An equally geezerly uncle tries to
climb the stairs to help but your father Tuto stops him. ‘This is a
family matter,’ he says and the uncle skulks away.
Tato eyes his father up close and then tells him calmly in a soft
voice

88. 88
‘Im going to be a better father than you’
‘I truly doubt that’
‘Im going to be a better father than you ever were to us’
‘You can try,’ says your grandfather, ’but you’ll fail, like you fail at
everything else.’
‘Gretel’s pregnant,’ says Tato. ‘I’m going to be a better father
than you ever were.’
‘The maid?’ Your grandfather laughs. ‘You’re in love with the
maid now?’
All our eyes fall on Gretel, the girls from the kitchen suround her
and embrace her. I’m immobilized with shock.
‘You’re a fucking cliché’ yells your grandfather.
‘Im going to have a happy family, for a change,’ says Tuto. ‘My
kids are going to love me, not fear me. I’m going to be a better
father to my child than you ever were to me.’
Your grandfather breaks away and stomps to the edge of the
stage before turning around for one last dig.
‘You can take your paid maid whore and all your bastard offspring

89. 89
to hell for all we care. None of you will ever be welcome in our
house. Or in our family.’
At this point, the smartest guests had already said their quick
goodbyes and were pulling out of the parking lot.
Tato lets out one more yell ‘Im going to be a better father than
you!’
And then your grandfather trips on the steps leading down from
the stage and his body jerks sideways and he lands head first in
the grass. All the remaining aunts scream in unison.
Bodies running, people yelling for a doctor, food plates smash
on the floor and I still can’t move. Gretel helps, everyone helps,
except me, I can’t move. People running, arms outstretched, an
aunt faints, adding to the confusion.
In the chaos I am an oasis of paralysis and I look across the blur
and spy another beacon of stillness and it takes me a moment to
recognize your father, Tuto, frozen with eyes wide open in horror,
mouth a perfect ‘o.’ He turns his head ever so slowly until his
stare meets your dad’s who’s already kneeling at their father’s
limp body. Tuto’s features transform into a mask of pure hatred.
I don’t know how else to explain this to you but it’s like seeing a
demon take over his face and body.
He trembles and his eyes bulge and water. But he’s still glued to
that spot, his legs are as petrified as mine.

90. 90
The ambulance comes and they take your grandfather away.
Tuto finally moves and rides in the back with the paramedics.
Your grandmother follows in an aunts car.
Eventually I too am able to move and join the cleanup. Gretel
splits her time between stacking up chairs and tending to your
dad, hugging him and kissing him tenderly as he slumps on top of
a table crying.
I lock everything up and hitch a ride a with my sister. She’s
getting constant updates from your father on her iPhone.
I see Tato and Gretel and they’re still embracing, your
birthparents in love and in grief, lying on top of the tables in each
other’s arms until the light changes and we drive away and I
never get to see them together again.

91. 91
____________
Casi todos se han ido de la fiesta cuando regresan los hermanos -
enlodados y sudados y riéndose
‘Estaba a punto de irme a casa,’ les digo
‘A si?’ responde Tato. ‘Con quién?’
‘Con Tuto,’ digo y tomo a tu padre de la mano. ‘Ya la fiesta se
acabo,’ le digo. ‘Nos vamos?
‘Tu cartera no está en mi carro?’ dice Tato.
‘Que me importa,’ respondo. ‘Quédatela. Te la regalo.’

92. 92
Bajamos los tres hasta la puerta principal y Tuto decide ir a
buscar su auto y regresar a buscarme. Me deja sola con Tato.
‘Y que, ahora quieres a mi hermano más que a mi?’ me dice
‘Déjate de payasadas, por favor.’
‘Que te dijo Tuto al oido alla arriba?’
‘Nada importante.’
‘Que te dijo’
‘Que estás enamorado de mi’
‘Y que dijistes tu?’
‘Nada’
‘Pero que pensastes’
‘Que no es nada que yo no sabía ya’
‘Lo escondo tan mal así?’
‘O te conozco demasiado’ Me acerco a él y me rodea la cintura
con su brazo. Me besa los labios y me parece que pasamos
semanas en esa entrada besándonos.
Tuto llega en su carro y me despido de tu papá. Regresamos a la

93. 93
ciudad de la fiesta por la interamericana más oscura del mundo.
Y todo va bien hasta que tu padre me tira los perros en el carro.
______________
The Unsaid exists because Thought is Expression.
And it can be Tuned Into because It Is Always Addressed To
Someone.

94. 94
_______
Ya tu sabes el resto: tu mamá Gretel murió al tenerte y tu
papá desapareció por tanto tiempo que tus abuelos se dejaron
convencer por Ely y te dejaron que te criara con Tuto como su
hija.
Hasta que Ely muere y tu padre cae catatónico. Tato regresa
y se encarga de ambos -bueno, lo intenta. Revulú da mucho
trabajo.

95. 95
Pero todos le ayudamos.
Hasta los abuelos.
No hay nada como ponerse viejo, mi nena. Así es como Dios nos
borra el orgullo.
Ahora déjame descansar.
Que hoy ha sido un ciclo muy largo.
_____________

96. 96
ED. NOTE: Eleanor Rochas revolutionized the metallurgy scene
with her human-sized functioning hearth sculptures, which
became staples of new-colonial living in the Last Century.
Fragments of Her Unsaid are reprinted here with the permission
of living heirs.