Earthsoft selecting life partner

Earthsoft Foundation of Guidance
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Making earth little softer

Index
• Marriage
• Know yourself
• Know what you want
• Rate the candidate
• Happy living
• Avoiding conflicts


About us
Earthsoft Foundation of Guidance (EFG) has uploaded following
presentations at http://myefg.in/downloads.aspx
Also https://dl.dropbox.com/u/83265908/Links-events.xls has links
Be mentor using your education, knowledge & experience to
contribute for a social cause & do conduct free training seeking
help of existing platforms. Kindly share with your friends
•Motivation for higher study, Planning for study, Education
guidance, Career guidance, Career available after SSC & HSC
•Personality development – 3 files
•How to prepare resume, Tips to attend interview successfully
•Religion related –To understand basic religion, Do &Don’t tips
•Health related - Be vegetarian, Be healthy
•Corporate - Project management, Assertiveness, Ownership
•Finance - To avoid speculation in stock market
•Social - Women empowerment, Choosing life partner

Objective
• To strengthen intellectual, emotional and
spiritual aspects of your personality
• To select the best possible partner matching to
your personalities & attributes
• To be happy in fulfilling your duties and
responsibilities towards your spouse & families
• To be a mature, spiritually & emotionally healthy
and committed spouse
• To be prepared for future challenges and
conflicts - To change & grow to be better person
and well-adjusted marriage partner

Reasons for marriage
Marriage is a virtually universal human institution
Right reasons to marry
• Companion throughout life, Unity
• Togetherness - Sharing good or bad moments,
realizing dreams together
• Sharing, Loving, Caring, Giving
• Continuing generation, beautiful creation – Child
Wrong reasons to marry
• Money, or just Papers
• Position in company
• Just to have kids
• To serve ME

Gain…
• Long term relationship & stability
• Better ritual culture due to common & deep
understanding, supportive for next generation
• Improved family relationship
• Increased ownership, higher commitments
• Feeling of proud of relationship
• Feel of satisfaction & delight from peaceful &
happy environment
• Financially wealthy & successful
• Active participation for function & celebration
• Increased morale & no conflicts

Successful marriage
Reasons for successful marriage
• Common skills
• Good emotional & physical health
• High self esteem
• High education level
• High social status
• Pressure from society & kids


Life span with spouse
• Life expectancy in India is about 67 years
• Average age of marriage is 25 to 28
• Thus you spend around 40 years with spouse
• Want to be memorable, happy & enjoyable??
• Would not you want it to be with respect,
trustworthy & dignified?
• 2 most important steps
• Select partner with complete thought
• Thereafter spend every moment happily
Marriage is one of the most important decision a
human being takes in his/her life
Choosing your life partner is the most difficult task

Predictor for success
Parent Model
• High marriage quality in family of origin
• High level of happiness in childhood
• Positive relationship between parents

Support from significant others
• Parent approval of spouse
• Liking of in-laws
• Support of friends


Start a day - Breakfast table

Which scene do you want to
see across the breakfast
table for the rest of your life?


Saying & believing!
The value of person depends upon
• Skills attained
• Knowledge acquired
• Money earned
• Assets build
• Good deeds executed
• Relations maintained
• Love spread and
• Behavior exhibited!
• There is nothing better in the world than a good
wife. A good wife is the one whose husband
becomes glad upon seeing her.

Have You!
• You have own thoughts & feelings about social
life, hobbies, religion, marriage, sex, children,
work, careers, money management and future
• You have priorities & expectations about people
to conduct themselves post marriage
• Have you openly discussed and evaluated your
priorities and expectations?
• Communicate honestly & clearly


Brainstorming
# Category Question
1 Marriage What makes you eligibilible for the marriage?
2 Marriage Most important points to be considered for a good marriage?
3 Marriage Have you identified your needs and expectations?
4 Personality Describe yourself in ten lines
5 Personality Write down your areas of strength & weakness
6 Personality Make a list of feelings that are most prominent in you.
7 Personality Do you think you will be able to adjust to new culture?
8 Personality Are you comfortable sharing your feelings, ideas & problems?
9 Personality Do you make friends easily and long lasting?
10 Personality What expectations do they have from you and your spouse?
11 Plan What plans do you have post your marital life?
12 Plan What is your financial goal in life?
13 Plan How can one prepare himself/herself for successful marital life?
14 My thoughts What are the qualities of a good husband?
15 My thoughts What are the qualities of a good wife?
16 My thoughts What are the qualities and duties of a good father?
17 My thoughts What are the qualities and duties of a good mother?
18 My thoughts How are you prepared to fulfill your duties & responsibilities for spouse


Brainstorming
# Category Question
19 My thoughts Your basic approach to marriage? a team or as two independent individuals?
20 My thoughts What is your aim in life?
21 My thoughts What is your parenting philosophy?
22 My thoughts What are your need & expectations from your spouse?
23 My thoughts Are you willing to sacrifice some of your expectations? If so, which ones?
24 My thoughts Do you know the rights and duties of spouses?
25 My thoughts What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage?
26 Expectations What should you look for in your life partner?
27 Expectations List of positive habits and attitude you would love to see in your life partner.
28 Expectations List of negative habits and attitude you would hate to see in your life partner.
29 Expectations Fundamental areas that will critically cause an impact in your marriage?
30 Expectations What are the areas of compatibility? (criteria of selecting spouse )
31 Expectations Does religion play an important part in marital life?
32 Expectations What will be the impact of education on marriage?
33 Expectations Why it is important to marry in a decent family?
34 Expectations Importance of intelectual and cultural interests?
35 Expectations Importance of wealth?
36 Expectations Importance of physical appearance?


First step - Know yourself

Who am I? Who would help?

What I How to
want? seek help?

What are my What to do
dreams? to be there?

Steps
• Take pen & paper, Introspect honestly
Know
yourself
• Know yourself

• Be clear What you want?
Expectations• Compile the details about your expectations

• To discuss with parents
Discuss

• Involve yourself also, Understand the options
• Know clearly What you will be getting
Decision
Making • Make a choice

Evaluate yourself
Criteria Parameters
Quotient Memory Intellectual Emotional
Financial Constraints Well placed Rich
Influence Self, Friends Parental Relatives
Ability Sustain Response Quick
pressure to change learner
Personality Attitude Culture Value
Traits Communication Leadership Stability
Excitement Passion to Enjoy to Liking &
learn study Interests
Body Thin Normal Builder


Evaluate yourself
Criteria Parameters
Nature Entrepreneur Management Follower
Assertive Aggressive Happy go lucky
My world Social Dreamer
Disciplined Stable Dynamic
Creative Routine
Comfort Workaholic Leisure Smart working
level
Career Pursue for Just few House wife
life time years
Liking Art Commerce Science
Location In country At overseas

To decide
Decide ideal of each for the marriage
• When
• Where
• How
• Expectations


When
• An ideal time would be at the end of education
career & initial period of professional career
• By law minimum age for marriage : Over 18
years for female & 21 years for male
• Before that age, the relationship will lack
spiritual, physical, intellectual, psychological and
financial maturity
• Females usually mature ~2 years earlier
• The ideal difference in age is between 2-4 years


Where
At social function
• Involving relatives & friends, including activities
such as gathering, musical nights, treats, trips,
decoration, dances, etc
Court
• Also at court by registration according to the law
• By way of religious ceremony
• By way of social gathering
• By combination of social & religious
• Among mass-marriage


How to find
Arranged marriage
• Communicating readiness to friends & relatives
• Community based Websites & search
Love marriage
• At college, work, social life
Types
• Endogamy: Marriage within a particular group
• Exogamy: Marriage outside a particular group


High Level expectations
• Compatibility to be checked for partner for 4
attributes
• Intellectual, physical, spiritual and social
• Let us add another -- emotional development.
• Thus marriage and family life would be five-fold


Important similarities
Race & culture – 97% marriages of same race
Religion – Issue arises if gap in practicing
religion is too wide
Socio-economic status – Men often marry down,
women often marry up.
Age – Gap has narrowed and age entering
marriage has climbed
Horoscope matching
Match of profession & status
Residence area - Geographically locale


Family attributes
High level factors related to families influencing
marriage
• Love and respect between parents
• How they deal with relatives
• Harmony between the families
• Culture
• Communication - Ability to express feelings
• Responsibility (Level of success in life)
• Financial Status
• Health


Cross culture marriage
• Often it is said to be an emotional decision
• May brings in religious & social cross culture
issues where practices & habits get challenged
• Non-vegetarian food for vegetarians family
• Different languages
• Loneliness during social events
• Cheating – Often relationships used to cheat a
partner sexually or financially
• Interference from the friends, you might be one
of many!
• Partner might not be keep commitment
• Dreams & reality differs deeply

Partnering

Caring
Loving Sharing

Environment Way of life
Culture Methodologies
Partnering
Trust Respect
People
Families
Honesty Dignity
Transparency


Expectations
• What characteristics are most important for you
to see in your partner?
Know crystal clear what you expect about partner

Partner should be close to me in terms of my :
• Spirituality, Financially, Academically, Physics

Finding suitable & compatible match would
minimize many problems later
• Few will form unreal expectations of what they
are looking for in a partner

Smart partner
• Aligned culture, attributes & a common purpose
of life
• Clear but realistic expectations
• Being open minded & committed, open while
expressing feelings and thoughts
• Being a refined and sensitive
• Treatment to other people
• Focus on long term relationship
• Seeing relationship as a win-win & healthy
• Sincerely wanting to be together with proud,
dignity & respect and equality
• Am I hoping to change after we’re married?

Expectations
• Joint family or independent family?
• Open or conservative culture?
• Small & limited family?
• Social or religious family?
• Caring & loving
• Handsome, Smart, Clever
• Dreamer, ambitious?
• Simple living, high thinking? Intellectual
• Social, religious?
• In own country or overseas?
• Well to do, rich? Well settled or capable to settle
• More educated than me?

Wanting attributes
• Please check these attributes during informal
chat or discussions


Questions?
Believes Approach towards life
• Faith? • Selfish? Would serve
• Religious? others?
• Ritual? • Spending money?
• Humanity? • Respect others?
• Modesty? • Stubborn?
• Character? • Any addictions?
• Manners? • Quick to lose to friends?
• Ambition, greediness,
• Laziness
• Ability to forgive?

Questions?
Culture? Personality?
• Friends? Social? • Hobby, Habits, Health
• Reading books? • Decision making?
• Browsing Thoughtful or in rush?
websites? • Punctuality in time?
• Movies? • Like to own everything?
• Music? • Say sorry when wrong?
• Spending time? • Suspicious about people
around?
• Humility?


Evaluate a candidate


Rating
Ideal Actual
# Attributes Category Wt Rating Net Rating Rating Net Rating
1 Religious Enery 60% 10 6 0
2 Maturity, taking everyone together Enery 70% 10 7 0
3 Hobbies Enery 40% 10 4 0
4 Health Enery 80% 10 8 0
5 Habits Enery 70% 10 7 0
6 Dreams Enery 60% 10 6 0
7 Good looking- height, weight, Enery 60% 10 6 0
8 Life style Enery 60% 10 6 0
9 Flexibility Enery 60% 10 6 0
10 Loving & Caring Enery 80% 10 8 0
11 Learning ability, Aptitude Edge 80% 10 8 0
12 Education. Clever Edge 80% 10 8 0
13 Street smartness Edge 70% 10 7 0
14 Skills Edge 70% 10 7 0
15 Expertise Edge 70% 10 7 0
16 People connect & social Engerising 60% 10 8 0
17 Family background Engerising 80% 10 8 0


Rating
# Attributes Category Weightage Rating Net Rating Rating Net Rating
18 Clarity & communication Engerising 70% 10 7 0
19 Attitude Engerising 70% 10 7 0
20 Stability Engerising 70% 10 7 0
21 Self motivation Execution 60% 10 6 0
22 Problem solving Execution 60% 10 7 0
23 Reliability Execution 70% 10 7 0
24 Ambitious, Goal oriented Execution 70% 10 7 0
25 Family support, well to do, settled Execution 70% 10 7 0
26 Kitchen/ Service Execution 70% 10 7 0
27 Independent & Decision making Execution 80% 10 8 0
28 Visionary Execution 80% 10 8 0
29 Well organised/Planner Etiquettes 60% 10 6 0
30 Self desciplined/ Punctual Etiquettes 60% 10 6 0
31 Consistency Etiquettes 60% 10 7 0
32 Sincerity Etiquettes 60% 10 6 0
33 Value/ character Ethics 80% 10 8 0
34 Believes Ethics 80% 10 8 0
35 Trustworthy Ethics 80% 10 8 0
350 244 0 0

Due diligence
• Seek matrimonial resume
• Scientific method to check brotherhood by assuring
surnames of 4 relations to be out of domain of
candidates - thus in all16 combinations (self, mother’s
brother, father’s & mother’s mother)
• Due diligence – Family background, Feedback, Status
in society, Relationships, Reputation, Well to do, etc
• Cultural alignment
• Capability- Educational, Professional
• Financial stability, own accommodation?
• Checking compatibility, Check Soft skills
• Survival risks - service, job security, money matters
• Personality - habits, health, hobbies, etc

High level match

Brotherhood

Family
Agreement
background
Effective
relationship

Attributes Family
Refer List Culture

Procedure-Arranged marriage
Seek matrimonial Check Perform due-
resume brotherhood diligence
Invite groom & Meet to groom &
his parents, Found ok? his parents &
family members family members
Is
Meeting between Engage, Finalize
compatible?
Groom & Bride Marriage plans


Procedure-Love marriage
Meet, Understand, Check Continue meetings
getting attracted brotherhood for due-diligence,

Convey to Is
Agreed? compatible?
parents

Parents Meet & Meet family Engage, Finalize
Propose members Marriage plans


Happiness
• Enjoyment, pleasure, satisfaction or joy
• Derived from small to big things or events
• Might be just very few moments of entire life
span when you were extremely happy
• Everyone is struggling to seek happiness
• Happy are those who are free from hatred,
disease, desire and worry
• Think who was the actor to make you happy?
• Happiness brings you peaceful mind, good
health, moments of proud
Then why to disturb it by small issues & quarrel?

Seven vows
7 Vows- Promise to God to be partner throughout the life
1.To walk together throughtout life to get pure food
2.To walk together for a healthy & prosperous life,
seeking physical, spiritual and mental health
3.To support each other to be wealthy, asking strength to
share the happiness and pain together.
4.Determined for love aand rrespect for each other and
their respective families
5.Pray for the beautiful, heroic & noble children
6.Request for the peaceful long life with each other
7.For companionship, togetherness, loyalty and
understanding & to be friends for lifetime
Marriage is a symbol of purity, union of two different
people, community and culture

Issues
• Lack of understanding
• Priorities differs
• Methodologies differs
Above results in Disregard & Distrust, cycle
continues
• Missing on Loving, Caring, Sharing, Giving
• Different values
• Own world – Ignoring & not sharing time
• Lack approval from family (for love marriage)
Love cannot be the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage.
If ingredients are right, then the love will continue!


Beware
• It is observed that good looking handsome boy
or beautiful girl (as the case may be) is
preferred most, overlooking other critical &
important attributes needed for compatibility!
• Men are valued for status & money
• Women are valued for good looks, child rearing
& homemaking skills
• Do not marry just for the sake of
• Beauty
• Wealth
• Dowry
• Close reference

Beware
• Before you get married, keep both eyes & ear
open, and after you marry, close the eyes
• Before committing to someone, don’t let lust,
desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure
from others or a low self esteem make you blind
to warning signs, keep the brain working!
• Never fool yourself
• That you can change someone
• That what you see as faults aren’t really that
important


Dare to exit timely
• In case you receive certain confirmed inputs/
facts contradictory to your image, understanding
& acceptance, dare to exit timely before it is late
• It is never the late
• Involve all stake holders of your side, discuss,
make decision
• Do not budge once you make decision
• Explain & Communicate affirmatively
• Complete the formality honestly


Incompatibility


Happily married life
The object of marriage = peaceful coexistence
• Be totally honest and kind at the same time.
• Control negative destructive impulses
• Control your anger
• Express your deepest fears, hopes, and
emotions and everyday thoughts


Tips
Beautiful tips
• Do not hit head against wall
• Know.....who matters
• Acknowledgement is the first step towards
improvement
• Keep cool & calm, grow and behave!


Accept totally
• Lifetime to know each other
• People do not really know each other well
• Continue applying corrections & keep aligning
• Be flexible – unforeseen events will happen.
• Be prepared for change – people change,
situations shift, relationships take on new
dimensions, Couples can cope & adapt
• Have a positive attitude.
• Express positive comments most of the time.
• Criticism about inadequacies eliminates
emotional space.

What keeps it ON
• Trust, Communication, Intimacy, Sense of
humor, Sharing tasks, a sense of belonging
• Daily exchanges (meal, shared activity, hug,
call, touch, notes, etc)
• Sharing common goals and interests
• Giving space to grow without feeling insecure
• Assurances of commitment
• Concern and care
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will
erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect,
and dishonesty, replacing by pain!

Key element
• Commitment as a symbol, not as a contract
• Equal focus on win-win, always!
• Trust which offers closeness, fluent
communication & synergistic relationship
• Mutual goals & objectives can be achieved with
deep support
• Continuous improve
• Timely communication & responsiveness
• Involvement of partners with each other , trust &
respect for each other, must be magnified


Thank You


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