Signs You Might Be Rural If

YOU might be RURAL if….
the neighbors refer to your
home as “John’s old place”
because that’s who lived
there 40 years ago


you pay more attention to the
clouds, sun, moon, rain, wind,
and snow than you do to the
clock or weather forecast


you’ve hidden
your accent
during a job interview


you live outside
The Beltway

your 4th grade teacher,
your church deacon,
your uncle, your neighbor
and the guy in exam room #2
are the same person


you remember when the first
national chain restaurant
opened in your town
--and when it closed again


you did not submit a response
to requests for “rural ifs”
because of inadequate
Internet connectivity

you’ve been lectured by a doctor
or nurse half your age to quit
smoking, and you know for a fact
this child’s parents set tobacco
to help fund his/her education

the only foreigners
you’ve ever met
run the local
restaurant

buying 50 Shades of Grey at
your local Walmart is out
because odds are good you'll
see someone you know
while you’re in there

you point blank
refuse to discuss coal
with anyone outside
your family

you travel more than 30 minutes to
receive primary or dental care
and
buy groceries or clothes


both the main highways
in your county are
referred to simply as
"the four lane"


dialing a wrong
number still gets you a
person you know who
has the info you need


your job requires safety equipment
provided by your for-profit company

the Walmart closes at 9 pm
the grocery store closes at 8 pm
the video store is 24/7 self-serve
everyone has the veterinarian’s
home phone number


$25,000 is a
high salary

going to the post office
takes two hours
—and you avoid it in Spring
because you don’t like having to
shout over the baby chicks

you can get a signal in
your house if you stand on
the toilet and hold your
cell phone in the air

traveling distance
is measured in time
rather than miles
--and travel plans are made
around livestock births


you actually need
Four Wheel Drive
on your truck

A kid walking a sheep on a
leash doesn’t startle you
--or a pig
--or a duck


you hate
RAM

in your extended family are:
a soldier; a meth manufacturer; a
preacher; an addict; and a student
who went to UVA swearing to
come home again, but didn’t


you know what
“bless your heart”
really means

you know three Richmond jokes
--and your friends from
Richmond don’t know
that you know them

each of these games is familiar:
Cow Pat Bingo
Red Light Race
More Local Than Thou


you lost your
virginity
outdoors

even though you hated
yourself afterward,
you helped organize a
poverty tour in hopes of
securing funding

you recognize this
as the single biggest
impediment to
regional program
planning

in any given week you eat:
fast food
homegrown vegetables
an item special ordered on the Net
something someone at the table killed


you routinely call your
neighbors before leaving work
to see if they need anything
from town


you didn’t know
you were rural
until someone else told you


you can name
all the winters
in Spring


a friend from high school
died before graduation
in a road accident
involving alcohol

you have a half-dozen
snappy comebacks
for snake handling jokes
but sometimes it’s just not worth it


nepotism is expected
from your
elected officials


you know better
than to step on
a grave


your doctor, pastor,
banker and child’s teacher
all keep livestock


you’ve ever thickened your
accent because you realized
the person you were talking to
was a snob

you dress up to go
to the Farmers Market
putting on a bra IS dressing up

a conference on issues
pertaining to you can’t be
held in your region because
state officials won’t stay
in your local hotels


fried balogna on
white bread meant
Mama loved you

you know to NEVER talk
poorly of anyone
because they're probably
related to the person you're
telling


you know what a haint, a
booger, and a painter are
—and you believe in them


this photo
makes
you smile


you’re sick of hearing
how Grandpa could eat
a whole hog for breakfast
because he did physical work


Federal grant writing
season produces a flurry
of old friends calling your
office to “reconnect”


they’re buggies
not carts


you live in, or within
sight of, the home
where one of your
parents was born


Santa bringing coal
for Christmas is a
happy thing


your last name is
more important
than your degree


a friend asks you for
examples of “you might
be rural if” and you only
use real ones

you have peed in a
coffee can rather than
go to the outhouse
after dark


you know the difference
between Granny,
Memaw, and Mamaw


you still crave
welfare cheese


you’re intelligent, not
educated, and you know
what that’s worth in the city
and in the county

when walking in the woods, you
know what to do if you chance
upon a still
(shout your Papaw’s name and
that you’re leaving now)


your child doesn’t have
a friend with a
different skin color

in Summer you are almost
completely vegetarian,
in Winter you eat
meat and potatoes


you’ve done this


driving to the store to
pick up just one item
is out of the question


rared, swap, fit, trade
and rasslin are part of
your everyday
vocabulary

you learned to shoot before
you learned to play piano,
--and you don’t point a gun
unless you intend to kill
what you’re aiming at


your favorite place
to have coffee is on
your front porch


you value old
people because
they are old


you LOVE to talk to
city reporters about
the Santa Train


when it rains,
your landline
quits working


when it snows, your
neighbor clears your
driveway with his tractor

homeless people from
elsewhere have nowhere to go
because there are no shelters;
local people are homeless
because of family dynamics


south of Roanoke ≠
“Southwest Virginia”
north of Richmond ≠
“and vicinity”


you don’t mow your
lawn, you bush hog it


people still talk about
the good old days
when the door factory
was operating


you are proud that your
facility has one of the
two elevators in the
county


at any given moment,
you know exactly where
your candles, hurricane
lamps and oil are


this photo makes you sad


school board meetings
are considered excellent
entertainment


you routinely use
fairy stones as gifts


Charlottesville folk saying
“FARRRRRR Southwest
Virginia” make you laugh—
unless it’s a funding meeting

You live in : Accomack Alleghany Augusta Bath Bland Brunswick Buchanan
Buckingham Carroll Charlotte Culpeper Dickenson Essex Floyd Grayson
Greensville Halifax Henry Highland King George Lancaster Lee Lunenburg
Madison Mathews Mecklenburg Middlesex Northampton Northumberland
Nottoway Orange Page Patrick Prince Edward Pulaski Rappahannock
Richmond Rockbridge Russell Shenandoah Smyth Southampton Tazewell
Westmoreland Wise Wythe Bedford City Buena Vista City Covington City
Emporia City Franklin City Galax City Lexington City Martinsville City
Norton City Radford City Staunton City Waynesboro City

--and if you know their differences


no one between the
ages of 22 and 45
lives in your town


the locally-exported
produce is picked by
invisible Spanish speakers


you’ve spent a summer
working at The Piggery
or on a fishing boat


when doing public health
planning, you factor in
natural barriers people
won’t cross to get care


you have a love/hate
relationship with
tourism


the sound of crickets and
frogs is the last thing you
hear before falling
asleep

as a health worker,
you’ve ever had to leave
your car behind and
walk to reach a patient

these terms are oxymoronic:
Government Assistance
Fresh Country Air
Idyllic Small Town
Public Transportation


rurality and stupidity are
not synonyms in your
programming, planning
policy, or mindset


you attended
a two-teacher
schoolhouse


this photo makes you tired


the domestic violence in
your neighborhood is
the best-kept secret
everyone knows


you had to think a
moment the first time
someone asked about
your “faith community”

the road you live on has more
twists than a pot of spaghetti
but not guard rails
shoulders
or a painted center line


same sex partners in
your community fly
below the radar


old-fashioned doesn’t
sound like a put-down

your neighbor’s
grandkids do donuts
in your driveway
with their four wheeler


your fifth grade teacher
is your daughter’s
fifth grade teacher


state lines are really,
really a nuisance


having a baby, cancer,
major surgery or
colonoscopy requires
two hours of travel


your region’s biggest
export is college
students


guarding personal
and family privacy
is a carefully honed
social skill


your sexual organs
have been examined
by a camera

as a clinician, you know
your professional diagnosis
will be secondary to your
patient’s friend’s opinion

Honey Boo Boo
bores you
but you’re secretly
rooting for “Mama”

YOU might be RURAL if…

this was posted on your Facebook status this month

the commute to work:
is beautiful
passes more deer than cars and
Confederate flags than American
takes longer in harvest season

you were an adult
before you realized
most people think
raspberries are red


at least one grandparent
listed "corn farmer" on
legal documents


you’ve stood in line to
get your teeth pulled


you bought goats
because mowing grass
on the slope was a pain


giving the first three digits
of a phone number
is unnecessary


you’ve ever translated
for an out-of-town
English speaker

window shopping at
Lowe’s, Dollar General,
or the Dollar Tree is a
good outing


counting the number of
stoplights in your county
takes only one hand


counting the number of
people you know with
diabetes takes more
than two hands

the fastest Internet
connection you can access
continually times out
the server


you’ve called 911 about
a cow on the highway


Macy’s is a parade
not a store


chickens walk freely
on your road


this photo makes you sigh


salad greens come
from the yard


‘pinto beans &
cornbread’
is redundant


“neighbors”
means actions
not proximity


you know what a
can of whupass is
and how to use it


you've been running a
co-op for 20 years but
it was just called
"family"

you're considered
too poorly educated
to write your own
health plan


baccer and boggins
are familiar


at least three members
of your extended family
are in a band


you dread your
physician retiring
for many reasons

you know the difference between
a wiener bun and a chili bun
you fish for food, not recreation
you know how to can meat


you understand
Boomhauer on
King of the Hill


Green Eggs and Ham
confused you
as a child


you learned to drive the
farm tractor at age 10 –
and have taught this

you introduce a song as
one you learned from your
ex-daughter-in-law's
step-grandfather


almost
every way
you turn
looks like
a park


you are very, very over
married cousin jokes


you genuinely
understand why people
say “don't have a cow"

when receiving directions
you understand where
the Miller's old barn
used to be

you’re proud of
your coal miner
and you swear he’ll be the
last one in your family


you know that Jewelweed
grows next to Poison Ivy
for a very good reason

“resources” is not
the first word you think
about the ocean
or the mountains

your volunteer firefighting
department has 40 members but
only 2 last names on the roster
all your county’s firefighters
are volunteers


Sarbanes-Oxley
what?

you were baptized in a creek
you can line a hymn
your parents wouldn’t take you
to Grandpa’s church--ever
you know what ‘Church of Christ’ is


a six-pack of beer
is as good as cash


despite having excellent
firefighters, what starts
to burn will finish
before help arrives

when the Red Cross
shows up after a
disaster, locals bring
them food baskets

your mother ever chased
a bear away from the garbage
with a rock, but won’t visit
DC with you because
she’s afraid of muggers

YOU might be
RURAL if….
this is how
your
daughters
plan to get
out of town

you see both sets of
grandparents at least once
per week--or could, if the
families were talking
to each other


even the mildest
predictions of snow
empty your grocery store
of meat and milk

“hillbilly” and “redneck”
are affectionate synonyms
for “rural”
when used by someone who
shares your accent

cable TV arrived in the college years
your remember the summer your
town got a traffic light
you’re still waiting for Wireless


you know at least
three mamaws under
the age of 35


your cast iron skillet
was inherited rather
than purchased

you laughed knowingly at
a letter to the editor
complaining about
a reference to Abingdon
as “FAR southwest Virginia”


you’ve responded, “Hey,
Thanks!” when a man
in a suit says, “It’s a
different world there”

peas are planted on
Valentine’s Day, even if
you have to drop them
through the snow


it’s true if the Almanac
and/or your
grandparents say it is


weaning (of anything)
starts when the
Almanac says so


your neighbors
have straight pipes


you watch your Richmond
colleagues’ eyes pop when
you point out your service
area on a map


twice a year,
the neighbor bales
your front yard


gunshot victims in
your ER are from
hunting accidents,
not drive-bys


you understand the
distance measurement
“over yonder”


the hospital parking lot
and helicopter landing
pad are the same thing


Fall weather =
chainsaw injuries


childhood chores
included plucking
chickens


you know what
“as the crow flies” means
especially to someone
driving after dark


your husband and son
will NEVER be able to
live near neighbors


App-a-latch-an
App-a-lay-shun
you know it’s important

you accurately
identify road kill
by a passing glance
at the fur


FRIED
SPAM


an unknown person
wearing a suit
inspires suspicion
it doubles if the suit is expensive


rural is not a
one-size-fits-all
word in your mind

You might be rural if….

you know
what you’re
fighting for

Signs You Might Be Rural If

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