Smooth sailing web

Smooth Sailing
in
Personal Relationships
and
Leadership

A manual to help children’s workers in their
relationships to others and to outline the responsibilities
and joys of those in leadership positions

BY
SAM DOHERTY

A series of devotional manuals for children’s workers
“The Problems of a Children’s Worker - and God’s Solution”
“Obedience to the Heavenly Vision”
“Smooth Sailing in Personal Relationships and Leadership”
“50 Years and Still Learning”
“Salvation by Faith Alone”
“Truths for Teachers”
“God’s Word for God’s Workers Vol 1”
“God’s Word for God’s Workers Vol 2”

Published by
Child Evangelism Fellowship® Inc.
Specialized Book Ministry
Assisting Children’s Evangelists Worldwide
PO Box 308, Lisburn, BT28 2YS, Northern Ireland, UK
© September 1999 All Rights Reserved

Table of Contents

Foreword ............................................................................................................. vii

Introduction ......................................................................................................... ix

Section I: Personal Relationships
Chapter 1: The Blessing Of Unity ............................................................. 3
The Statement The Psalmist Makes ........................................................ 3
The Illustrations The Psalmist Uses ........................................................ 4
The Consequences The Psalmist Sees .................................................... 5
Chapter 2: First Steps ............................................................................... 1 0
Principles To Follow .............................................................................. 1 0
The Problem Of The Tongue ................................................................ 1 0
The Problem Of The Heart ................................................................... 1 3
Chapter 3: Watch Your Attitudes ............................................................ 1 5
A Loving Attitude To All ........................................................................ 1 5
A Submissive Attitude To Your Leaders ............................................... 1 7
An Unselfish Attitude To Others .......................................................... 1 8
A Quiet Attitude Towards Opposition And Criticism ........................ 2 0
A Contented Attitude Towards Circumstances ................................... 2 1
Chapter 4: Watch Your Ears .................................................................... 2 4
Be A Good Listener To People As They Share With You .................... 2 4
Be A Bad Listener To Those Who Gossip About Others .................... 2 5
Chapter 5: Watch Your Words ................................................................ 2 8
You Need To Watch Your Words To Others ........................................ 2 8
James’ Teaching On The Tongue ..................................................... 2 9
Be Slow To Speak ............................................................................. 3 0
Be In Control ..................................................................................... 3 1
Be Tacktful ......................................................................................... 3 4
Be Honest .......................................................................................... 3 4
Do No Exaggerate ............................................................................. 3 5
You Need To Watch Your Words About Others .................................. 3 5
Chapter 6: Do Not Speak Against God’s Servants ................................ 4 0
Miriam And Aaron Criticize Moses ...................................................... 4 0
God Hears Them ................................................................................... 4 1
God Speaks To Them ............................................................................. 4 1
God Disciplines Them .......................................................................... 4 2
Lessons To Learn .................................................................................... 4 3

Chapter 7: How Can You Control Your Tongue? .................................. 4 5
You Can Control Your Tongue .............................................................. 4 5
Your Tongue Can Bless ......................................................................... 4 7
Chapter 8: The Teaching Of Proverbs Concerning The Tongue .......... 5 3
Be Thoughtful Before You Speak ......................................................... 5 3
Be Careful While You Speak ................................................................ 5 5
Chapter 9: Watch Your Letters ................................................................ 5 8
Be Careful What You Write .................................................................. 5 8
Be Helpful When You Write ................................................................. 6 0
Chapter 10: Watch Your Temper ............................................................ 6 2
Be Slow To React ................................................................................... 6 2
Exercise Self-Control ............................................................................. 6 3
Chapter 11: Watch Your Humour .......................................................... 6 6
Be Careful .............................................................................................. 6 6
Avoid Hurtful Humour ......................................................................... 6 7
Avoid Irreverent Humour ..................................................................... 6 7
Avoid Suggestive Humour .................................................................... 6 7
Enjoy Helpful Humour ......................................................................... 6 8
Chapter 12: Watch Your Reactions ........................................................ 6 9
Wrong Reactions Cause Problems ...................................................... 6 9
Bible Commands To Obey ................................................................... 7 0
Bible Examples To Imitate .................................................................... 7 2
Chapter 13: Problem Situations And How To Solve Them .................. 7 6
Problem 1: You Have Done Wrong To Someone
and You Are Convicted About It .......................................................... 7 6
Problem 2: You Feel That Someone Has
Done Wrong To You .............................................................................. 7 9
Problem 3: You Feel That Something Is Wrong Between Another
Person And Yourself—But You Don’t Know Why ........................... 8 2
Chapter 14: The Blessings Of Good Personal Relationships ............... 8 5
Blessed Are The Peacemakers ............................................................... 8 6

Section II: Leadership
Chapter 15: Follow The Leader ............................................................... 9 1
What Is Leadership? .............................................................................. 9 1
Are Leaders Born Or Made? ................................................................. 9 2
How Can Leadership Abilities Be Developed? .................................. 9 4
The Biblical Steps For Leadership ........................................................ 9 5
The Importance Of Leadership ............................................................ 9 7
Paul, One Of the Greatest Leaders Of All Time ................................. 9 7
The Apostles And Their Leadership Abilities ....................................... 9 8

Chapter 16: Six Qualities For A Leader To Aim At .............................. 1 0 1
Be Humble ........................................................................................... 1 0 1
Be Gentle ............................................................................................. 1 0 3
Be Trustful ............................................................................................ 1 0 4
Be Optimistic ....................................................................................... 1 0 6
Be Patient ............................................................................................. 1 0 7
Develop A Sense Of Humour ............................................................ 1 0 8
The Secret of Good Leadership ......................................................... 1 0 9
Chapter 17: Six Responsibilities For A Leader To Assume ................. 1 1 1
A Leader Leads .................................................................................... 1 1 1
A Leader Feeds ..................................................................................... 1 1 2
A Leader Does What Is Right ............................................................. 1 1 4
A Leader Invests ................................................................................... 1 1 5
A Leader Perseveres ............................................................................. 1 1 6
A Leader Looks For A Successor ........................................................ 1 1 8
Chapter 18: Six Lessons For A Leader To Learn ................................... 1 2 1
You Need To Guard Your Own Devotional Life .............................. 1 2 1
You Need To Be Clear About Your Guidance
Into Your Leadership Position ........................................................ 1 2 2
You Need To Learn Not To Worry ..................................................... 1 2 3
You Need To Watch Your Attitudes .................................................... 1 2 4
You Need To Learn How To Delegate ............................................... 1 2 5
You Need To Learn To Relax And Rest .............................................. 1 2 7
Fifteen Points To Help A CEF Leader Plan His Work And Time ...... 1 2 8
Chapter 19: Lessons In Long-Distance Leadership ............................. 1 3 0
What Should the Long-Distance Leader Understand? .................... 1 3 1
What Should The Long-Distance Leader Do? .................................. 1 3 2
Chapter 20: Your Responsibilities To Your Leader ............................. 1 3 5
Respect Your Leader ............................................................................ 1 3 6
Listen To Your Leader .......................................................................... 1 3 6
Follow Your Leader ............................................................................. 1 3 6
Be Loyal To Your Leader ..................................................................... 1 3 7
Help Your Leader ................................................................................. 1 3 7
Appreciate Your Leader ...................................................................... 1 3 7
Guard And Protect Your Relationship With Your Leader ................ 1 3 8
Pray For Your Leader ........................................................................... 1 3 8
Postscript For CEF Directors ............................................................... 1 3 8
Chapter 21: To Obey Or Not To Obey? .............................................. 1 4 0
The Biblical Principle ......................................................................... 1 4 0
The Explanation ................................................................................... 1 4 1
The Exceptions ..................................................................................... 1 4 2
Chapter 22: A Biblical Example Of Leadership .................................. 1 4 5
God Prepares A Leader ....................................................................... 1 4 5
God Reveals His Plan To A Leader .................................................... 1 4 8

God Shows The Problems To A Leader ............................................. 1 4 8
God Gives His Promises To A Leader ................................................ 1 4 9
God Gives Two Precepts To A Leader ............................................... 1 5 0
A Picture Of A Leader At Work .......................................................... 1 5 1
The Personal Relationship Of A Leader To His Lord ....................... 1 5 3
Chapter 23: Self-Examination For Leaders .......................................... 1 5 5
Four Tests For Leaders ......................................................................... 1 5 5
Twenty Questions For Leaders ........................................................... 1 5 6
Chapter 24: Ten Lessons I Have Tried To Learn in Leadership ........... 1 5 8
To Be Loving And Appreciative ......................................................... 1 5 8
To Be Gentle ........................................................................................ 1 5 9
To Be Helpful ...................................................................................... 1 5 9
To Be Careful ....................................................................................... 1 6 0
To Be Trustful ....................................................................................... 1 6 0
To Be Loyal .......................................................................................... 1 6 0
To Be Flexible And Not Too Dogmatic ............................................. 1 6 1
To Be Slow With Regard To The Making Of Decisions ................... 1 6 2
To Be Optimistic ................................................................................. 1 6 2
To Be Relaxed ...................................................................................... 1 6 2

Smooth Sailing in Personal Relationships and Leadership vii

FOREWORD

I consider it a great privilege to introduce the author and his latest (and
in my opinion greatest) of his efforts to put in pen and ink the biblical basis
for godly relationships.
Sam Doherty has spent much of his life praying for, and ministering to,
children for Jesus’ sake. He is in the process of authoring 43 books for
children and teachers, many of which have been already translated and
printed and distributed in many languages worldwide.
This, his latest book, is biblically based and will, most surely, prove to
be a great help to both students and teachers who have love for Jesus, and
hearts for children.
Thank you, Sam, for your availability to our Father God and your heart
involvement for children. God will use your books to help children and
children’s workers long after you have gone to Glory.
In the Name of Jesus and for His sake,
Gene Warr
Oklahoma City, USA
(Christian businessman, evangelist and leader)

Smooth Sailing in Personal Relationships and Leadership ix

INTRODUCTION

This book consists of two separate yet closely related sections and
subjects:
“Personal Relationships”
“Leadership”
These subjects have been included in one book for two reasons:
These two subjects are very closely connected. One of the most
important aspects of personal relationships is to understand how to
relate to those who lead us. In addition, no one can be an effective
leader if he/she has not mastered the art of relating well to other
people.
This is clearly illustrated by comparison to a great sailing ship. The
crew needs to learn to work together; they need to learn how to
work under the leadership of the captain; and the captain needs to
learn how to lead them. All of this is also true of children’s workers.
When all is in order everyone will enjoy the blessing of “smooth
sailing.”
So each of the two “ships” have been incorporated into this one
book.
It is much cheaper to print them and mail them together as one
book—rather than as two books. Several years ago God, I believe,
laid upon our hearts, and gave us a desire, to produce a series of
books which would help children’s workers in their lives and
ministries. At the same time, we felt that He wanted us to make
these books available to those who work with children all over the
world—FREE OF CHARGE. The costs of printing and mailing are
high, but God has supplied all the finance needed thus far, and we
believe that He will continue to do so.
However, we feel that it is our responsibility to keep the costs as
low as we can, and to do this we have brought these two books
together into one book.
I trust that you will find both sections to be really helpful for your life
and ministry, and that you will know “smooth sailing” in the days which lie
ahead.

x Introduction

I am thankful to Mr. Gene Warr for writing the foreword to this book.
Mr. Warr is a businessman in Oklahoma City, USA, the friend and counsellor
of many Christian workers and, for many years, an outstanding Christian
leader and evangelist. He, and his wife, Irma, have been a continual source
of help and encouragement to my wife and myself, and have also played a
key role in the setting up and growth of the writing ministry to which this
book is the latest addition.

The subject of personal relationships should be one of the most important,
and most necessary, concerns wherever Christians live and/or work together.
A correct understanding of this subject is vital in the Christian home, to the
local church, to a missionary organisation, to a Bible school or to an Institute.
None of us lives or works alone. You and I are continually in contact -
often close contact—with others. If there is a problem in our relationship
with someone else, the result can be disastrous both for us and for the
other person; and it will be a great hindrance to our Christian service.
One Christian leader said, “That which brings most friction and
dismemberment to the Body of Christ is the simple ethical problem of
personal relationships.” The leader of one large and well known missionary
organisation has blamed broken relationships for 60% of its missionary
failures—either in unsuccessful adjustment to fellow workers, or in
unsuccessful adjustment to mission authority.
This problem of bad relationships can be found in Christian homes, in
churches, in Bible schools and Institutes, and in missionary organisations.
In many ways the problem of incompatibility is even greater on the mission
field, or in a mission work at home, than in the fellowship of one’s home
church. There are fewer possibilities “to escape” from the other person!
Problems such as these can play havoc with ministry and with health, and
can also affect those who try to resolve the problems.
A problem in personal relationships also existed even in the early
Christian church. In Philippi, for example, a relationship problem existed
between Euodias and Syntyche who were otherwise two zealous and able
workers (Philippians 4 v2 and 3). They could not get on with each other.
We don’t know the details; but there was obviously a problem of disunity
and this affected the whole church. This problem of disunity is referred to
again in Philippians chapter 1 v27, chapter 2 v2 and chapter 3 v15.

Smooth Sailing in Personal Relationships and Leadership xi

The problem of disunity can also be seen, more seriously, in the church
at Corinth. This spirit of division and disunity is introduced in chapter 1 v9-
13. It is more specifically dealt with in chapter 3 v3-9, and then in the
whole of chapter 12. The awful consequences of disunity at Corinth can
be seen in chapter 6 verses 1-8. Paul is at great pains in this epistle to
emphasize on the one hand the carnality of disunity (1 Corinthians 3 v3)
and on the other hand the blessing of unity (1 Corinthians 10 v14-17).
You yourself have three levels of relationships which you need to watch,
guard and control:
Your relationship to your leader. He is the person who has been
placed above you in your church, missionary organisation, or school.
Your relationship to those who see you as their leader. Most, if not
all of us, are leaders in some way—whether as a CEF director or
as a Good News Club teacher or even as a parent. The subject of
leadership and, to a lesser extent, the subject of how to “follow a
leader” will be dealt with in much more detail in the second section
of this book.
Your relationship to those on the same level as yourself. These
would include your co-worker and, for those who are married, your
husband or wife.
The vast majority of us are involved in all three of these relationships
at the same time. We must be careful not to allow anything to enter into
any of them which would cause a problem, or create disunity. The greatest
problems in our work and in our ministry do not come from outside our
ranks but from inside. Disunity and breakdowns in relationships do more
harm to us, and to our work, than anything else, and the devil knows this.
So he tries to sow and nurture the seeds of dissension in Christian families,
missionary organisations, churches and Bible schools.
This is why the subject of personal relationships is so vital in our lives
and ministries. As you and I read and study this section together I trust
that each of us will examine himself and ask the question—“Lord, is it I?”
It is easy to see the faults of others; and to feel that this is the very teaching
which they need! But all of us need to be more concerned with ourselves
than with them; and we need to find out if there is anything in our
relationships with others which needs to be changed or corrected. So let
us ask God to show us any weakness we might have in our relationships.
Then let us pray that, when we see this weakness, He will, in turn, give us

xii Introduction

the strength and grace to overcome it and solve any problem which might
exist as a result of it. When you and I do that, God will bless. When our
relationships are right, we will enjoy God’s blessing on both our lives and
our ministry.
Do not be like the person who said:

Faults in others I can see
But praise the Lord there’s none in me!
I have so many faults myself,
Which I can seldom see,
A defect in another’s life,
Is very clear to me.
Although I have so many faults
I always like to find
A bit of fault in anyone
When I’m so far behind.

It is better to be like the person who said:

I used to censure everyone;
I was a Pharisee,
Until one day I got a shock -
I got a glimpse of me!
The Bible showed me my mistakes.
(The mirror cannot lie).
I could not justify myself
Or find an alibi.
So whenever I’m inclined
Some other’s judge to be,
I always go and take a look
At him whom I call me.
I find this is a splendid thing.
Just try it and you’ll see:
To keep from criticizing folks,
Each day I look at ME.
(Author unknown)

This section of the book is the result of many years of teaching the
subject of personal relationships in the European CEF Leadership Training
Institute and to groups of CEF workers all over Europe. Much of what is
contained in this section has come from other books I have read, or from
spoken messages I have heard on the subject, and I want to express

Smooth Sailing in Personal Relationships and Leadership xiii

appreciation for all the wise words I have both read and heard. But because
the contents of this section have been assembled gradually, and over a
period of time, and because there has been much adaptation of those
contents, I have not been able, in a number of cases, to acknowledge the
sources of the help I have received.

Leadership
Some of you may react to this second section of the book with the
statement “What, another book on leadership?” Many books—both spiritual
and non spiritual—have been written on this subject. But I would suggest
that the chapters I have written on this subject are a little different. While
the contents apply to all Christian workers, they are directed primarily
towards children’s workers, and towards those who are involved in any
ministry or organisation whose aim is to evangelize the children. The aim
of these chapters on leadership is therefore to help you, my dear reader
and children’s worker in your ministry.
Some of you may be hesitant about reading these chapters on
leadership. You may think that you are not a leader, and you may never
see yourself giving leadership to others. You may, instead, feel that you are
a follower, and that you want to be led by others.
I would like to point out several facts to all who have such reactions
and reservations:
Most Christians, perhaps all Christians, are leaders in some way.
You may not see yourself as a great or gifted leader, but if you look
closely at your life and ministry you will probably see that you are
leading someone!
It may be a child in your family, a group of children in your Sunday
School class or Good News Club, a teenager who looks to you for
advice and help, or someone with whom you work who has questions
about the Christian faith. If you are in any of these situations, or any
other similar situations, you are, to some extent, a leader - even
though you are not, perhaps the dynamic figure which many people
expect a leader to be. Personally, I doubt very much if you are only,
and exclusively, a follower.
Almost all of us are both leaders and followers. It is not a question
of being one or the other. It is possible, and often necessary, to be
both. A Sunday School teacher leads her children and, at the same

xiv Introduction

time, follows the pastor or Sunday school superintendent. A
missionary leads the people who are responsible to him, but he
himself is directly responsible to his mission director. A full-time
CEF worker who works in a local area is looked upon as leader by
the teachers who attend his training class and by the young people
who work as summer missionaries; but he is responsible to his
committee and to his state or national director.
I have also included in this section of the book some guidelines for
followers—as well as for leaders. We all need to be as practical
and as skilled in the art of following as we are in the art of leadership.
I want to emphasize that I don’t see myself as an expert on the subject
of leadership. I have written these chapters because I feel that there are
many children’s workers who need help in this area and, because I think
that I may be able to give them some guidance, I myself am still in the
learning process!
Much of what I have written has been culled from others whose books
I have read or to whom I have listened. Indeed so much helpful information
has been gathered here and there down through the years that I often
don’t know where it came from and so I am usually not able to pinpoint the
source. But I have also included many lessons which I have learned or
tried to learn (or failed to learn) during almost 50 years in a leadership
position in Child Evangelism Fellowship. My wife and I were the national
directors of Child Evangelism Fellowship of Ireland for 14 years, and we
were then regional directors of European Child Evangelism Fellowship for
29 years. During those years the work of CEF in Ireland and in Europe
grew in a wonderful way. When we handed over the European leadership
to our successors in 1993 there were 375 full-time CEF workers in Europe
whom we had been responsible to lead! And this number continues to
grow!
I trust that these chapters will help you to learn the lessons I have
learned and not to make some of the mistakes which I have made, and that
it will also communicate to you how you can become a better leader. The
church of Jesus Christ needs leaders today; the children and young people
need leaders; God is looking for and appointing leaders.
I trust, dear reader, that you will be one of those leaders!

Smooth Sailing in Personal Relationships and Leadership 1

Section I:


Chapter 1:
The Blessing Of Unity

U nity is not something which occurs automatically. It doesn’t just
happen. It must be worked at and built up. We need to desire it,
and set our minds on it, and do all we can to foster it. At the same time we
need to avoid saying or doing anything which would hinder it, or even
destroy it.
Unity does not mean uniformity. We are all different one from the
other—in temperament, background and, often, in nationality and/or
denomination. Nor does unity mean that we always have automatic and
complete agreement on every subject. It is possible to see things differently
and even to differ or disagree with each other, provided it is done in the
right spirit, and without sharpness, tension or friction.
Unity is:
Oneness of goal and burden
Oneness of heart and spirit
Oneness of faith and conviction
A willingness to accept, consider and listen to others with whom
we don’t agree
A willingness to accept and abide by the wishes of our leadership,
or in some cases, by the wishes and decision of the majority; and to
do so in the right spirit
A willingness to work together with those who are in the same
Mission or church, even if we don’t agree with them on every point
It is a help to read carefully, study and conscientiously apply the words
of Psalm 133.

The Statement The Psalmist Makes
“Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren (and, of
course, sisters) to dwell (or work) together in unity” (Psalm 133 v1).
The Psalmist describes unity among brethren and sisters in two ways:
Unity is good.

4 Section I — Chapter 1

Biblically, ethically and morally it is right, correct and good to
dwell together in unity.
Disunity is bad and wrong.
Unity is pleasant.
Unity feels good, and is enjoyable to look at and to experience.
Disunity is unpleasant and distasteful.
Some things are good but not pleasant. Some things are pleasant but
not good. But unity is both good and pleasant.
In the German Bible the Hebrew word which is translated “unity”, in
the English Bible, is translated “harmony”. This translation is very interesting
and indeed very helpful. In an orchestra there are many different instruments
with different sounds, and they don’t all play the same notes; but when
they play the same melody together there is harmony.

The Illustrations The Psalmist Uses
As a good teacher the Psalmist knows that illustrations help and
encourage understanding. Therefore he compares unity to two things with
which his readers were already well acquainted.
Unity “is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran
down upon the beard, even Aaron’s beard; that went down to
the skirts of his garment” (Psalm 133 v2).
Unity is like the precious ointment used by the priest.
Unity smells good.
Unity is fragrant.
It smells good to those who are “inside the tent.” Unity is a precious
blessing, and a wonderful experience to us within the ranks of God’s people.
Everything works well, and goes well. There is nothing to cause friction
“in the machinery.”
Unity smells good to those “who are outside.” There is nothing which
attracts outsiders more to us than the fragrance of unity; and there is
nothing which repels them more from us than division and quarrelling. This
was why the Lord Jesus prayed in John 17 v21:
“that they all may be one . . . that the world may believe that Thou
hast sent Me.”


Above all, unity rises up as a sweet fragrance to God. He is well
pleased when we dwell and work together in unity.
Unity is “as the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended
upon the mountains of Zion” (Psalm 133 v3a).
Unity is like dew in a dry land.
Unity feels good.
Unity is fresh.
In a very dry country the dew comes as a welcome agent of moisture
and freshness. It helps the vegetation to grow and it makes the landscape
green and beautiful. Unity brings freshness, growth and beauty to the life
of the family, church or mission.

The Consequences The Psalmist Sees
In Psalm 133 verse 3b God promises two special results when there is
unity.
Where there is unity God promises His blessing.
“For there (where there is unity) the Lord commanded the blessing.”

He blesses the family which is united, the church which is united, and
the missionary organisation which is united. At the same time the converse
is also true. God does not bless the family, church or missionary organisation
which has brought disunity and division upon itself. I have witnessed this
happen on several occasions. Serious divisions have appeared between
co-workers or between a leader and a worker, or between a worker and
his committee. The work seems to continue but the blessing is gone. I
have also seen on many occasions the very opposite. The work is unified,
there is harmony, there are no divisions and God is blessing.
Where there is unity there is life for ever more—
“For there the Lord commanded the blessing, even life for ever
more.”
Those who are unified do not, of course, “earn” eternal life. Eternal
life is a gift from God to those who trust Jesus Christ. But when we are
unified, and God is blessing our ministry, boys and girls are saved, and they
receive eternal life. Unity is not only a blessing for us, but it brings blessing
to others.


The opposite is also true. If we are not unified, our work is hindered,
and fewer, if any, boys and girls will come to Christ.

Be On Your Guard
Paul writes:
“Now the God of patience and consolation grant you to be
likeminded one toward another according to Christ Jesus: that ye
may with one mind and one mouth glorify God, even the Father of
our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 15 v5 and 6).
God wants to see harmonious personal relationships in our every day
lives; and He wants Christians to work together to glorify Him. We are
interdependent and not independent. We need each other for encouragement,
exhortation, correction and the utilization of one another’s unique gifts within
the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12 v14-15 and 18; Romans 12 v3-6).
The devil is fully aware of all that we have outlined in these pages. All
of this is clearly taught in the Word of God, and the devil knows the contents
of Psalm 133. He often finds it difficult to stop our ministry through opposition
and through attacks from the outside. But he knows that if he can encourage
division inside our ranks, the work will be hindered or even stopped.
Consequently, his main strategy today is to sow and water the seeds of
discord, and try to cause problems in our personal relationships.
That which starts off as a small disagreement (one which could easily
be dissolved, or tolerated) may often lead to vocal and then written criticism.
This criticism grows and in turn becomes bigger and bigger. All of this
involves much emotional energy, time and stress which could be better
spent in the work. Eventually, if not dealt with, it results in division - open
or hidden. The work may continue but beneath the façade the problems
simmer and grow. And the result is barrenness, and loss of blessing, The
children are neglected and it is possible that eventually God may even
withdraw both His Glory and His Presence and the result could be “Ichabod”
(1 Samuel 4 v21).
John Newton, the English pastor and author of many hymns, wrote to
George Whitefield, the evangelist, in 1757 as follows:
“The longer I live the more I see of the vanity and the sinfulness
of unchristian disputes. They cut up the very vitals of religion. I grieve
to think of how often I have lost my time and my temper in this
way.”


On the other hand unity is a source of blessing to everyone and a great
testimony to our Saviour.
Several illustrations might help to show how God blesses unity:
My wife and I had the privilege of starting the work of Child
Evangelism Fellowship in Ireland in 1950. We were National
Directors for 14 years. Our successors David and Mollie McQuilken
were Directors for 30 years and their successors, in turn, Henry
and Madeline Berry, have been the leaders since 1995. Throughout
all those years there has never been any division or disunity in the
work. There have of course been differences of viewpoint and,
from time to time, disagreements. But where such differences
existed, those responsible always came to a decision after much
prayer and consultation, and then everybody rallied behind that
decision in unity. Therefore there have never been any problems or
splits in the work. As a consequence God has blessed the work of
CEF in Ireland and today it is one of the strongest CEFs in the
world. There are now over 100 full-time CEF workers from a little
country of 1½ million. Almost half of these are CEF missionaries in
other countries. CEF in Northern Ireland is reaching one child in
every nine of the country’s population each year with the Gospel.
From 1964 until 1993 we were CEF Regional Directors for Europe.
During those 29 years there was never any disunity or division among
our workers (apart from one short episode which soon came to an
end when the four people concerned left the work). As a result of
this unity God blessed the work in an unusual way; the number of
full-time workers grew from 45 to 375 during these years; many
children were reached and saved; and many new and exciting
projects were commenced and developed - including a growing
outreach to the multitudes of children in Communist Europe. I believe
that all of this was, to a large extent, the result of a unity which God
had given and which He blessed.
All of us in Child Evangelism Fellowship have been thrilled to see
the growth of our Mission all over the world in recent years. New
countries have been entered, new missionaries have been appointed,
many national workers have come into the work and, above all,
many children have come to know the Lord Jesus Christ as their
Saviour. To what can we attribute this growth and the obvious


blessings attached to it? I feel that one of the main reasons must be
the unity that exists in the work of our Mission worldwide. I have
been in CEF work for 49 years. But there seems to be more unity
now than ever before. This does not mean that there is complete
uniformity. We come from many different countries, cultures and
denominations and there are differences of viewpoint. That is normal.
But underlying it all there is a deep unity of spirit and purpose which
links us all together—and God is blessing!
PLEASE READ PSALM 133 AGAIN, PRAYERFULLY AND
CAREFULLY, ASKING GOD TO HELP YOU TO SEE IF YOU HAVE
DONE SOMETHING, OR ARE DOING SOMETHING WHICH
CAUSES DISUNITY AND DIVISION. THEN IF HE DOES, ASK HIM
FOR FORGIVENESS AND FOR THE STRENGTH AND GRACE
NEEDED TO RESOLVE THE PROBLEM.
“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell
together in unity!
It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down
upon the beard, even Aaron’s beard: that went down to the skirts of
his garments;
As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the
mountains of Zion: for there the Lord commanded the blessing, even
life for evermore” (Psalm 133).

QUESTIONS TO ANSWER/THINK ABOUT
Does what I have outlined in this chapter agree with your own
experience?
Does unity bring blessing?
Does division result in a loss of blessing?
Can you yourself give any examples of either of these consequences?
As you think back over the last year can you remember any time when
you have done something which caused division and disunity—in your
home, in your church, in your missionary organisation?
What did you do about it?
Do you agree with the distinction I have made between unity and
uniformity?


Can you give examples of people with whom you have complete
unity, but with whom you have differences which you have agreed
to accept. What are these differences? Are there, on the other
hand, some differences which would make unity impossible? What
are they?


Chapter 2:
First Steps

e need to determine, and see clearly, the basis on which good
W personal relationships should be built, and we need to know how
to find the principles and guidelines which will show us what to do and
what not to do.

Principles To Follow
There are two sets of principles which will help us to understand the
subject of personal relationships and will then help us to ensure that our
relationships with others are what God wants them to be:
Biblical principles are the most important.
The principles we find in the Word of God form the essential basis
of good personal relationships. God has spoken and we need to
know and understand what He has said.
As you will see throughout the book there are many, many places in
the Bible where this subject is dealt with, in detail. It is therefore
necessary to understand what the Bible teaches on this subject.
Consequently, we will quote many Bible verses and make frequent
references to the Scriptures as we proceed.
Common sense principles also play their part.
No gimmicks are necessary; no great knowledge of psychology is
essential. Much of what we need to know and do is obvious and
clear to the simple enquiring mind.
When there is a breakdown in relationships there are usually two main
agents involved. It is necessary at the very beginning of our study to identify
these agents and to understand the problems they can cause. We will deal
with each of them later in more detail.

The Problem Of The Tongue
The greatest problem in personal relationships always seems to be the
tongue. It is amazing how much the Bible has to say about this little member
of the body. It is only several centimeters or inches in length and it is


generally hidden from view. Yet with it we can build or destroy our
relationships with others.
Of all God’s creation man is the only creature endowed with the gift of
speech. Animals cannot speak. Dogs bark; cows moo; pigs squeal; horses
neigh; ducks quack; but none of them can speak. But we, by way of
complete contrast, can not only think, but we can put our thoughts into
words, and express ourselves so as to be understood.
The gift of speech is a marvelous gift; but because the average person
(according to experts in the area of speech) speaks thirty thousand words
a day we need to be reminded continually about the proper use of the
tongue. Indeed, someone has estimated that the average person talks for
about 13 years of his or her whole life time.
The words you and I use can change a life for good or ill. They can
destroy hope, erase happiness, or assassinate character. But they can also
be vehicles of blessing - conveying comfort, encouragement, joy and
assurance. With words we may attract people to Christ or drive them
away. The words of some people bring blessing whilst those of others chill
the heart. So the words we speak should be carefully chosen.
In Ephesians 5 v18 we are commanded “to be filled with the Spirit”.
In the verses which follow the four results of being filled with the Spirit are
outlined:
“Speaking to each other in psalms, hymns and spiritual songs”
(Ephesians 5 v19a)
“Singing and make melody in your heart to the Lord”
(Ephesians 5 v19b)
“Giving thanks always” (Ephesians 5 v20a)
“Submitting yourselves one to another” (Ephesians 5 v21)
The tongue is involved in at least three of these results if not all four.
In Ephesians 4 v30 we are commanded “Grieve not the Holy Spirit”.
The context of this command makes it clear how we grieve the Holy
Spirit:
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth”
(Ephesians 4 v29).
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger and clamour, and
evil speaking, be put away from you” (Ephesians 4 v31).
“Be ye kind one to another” (Ephesians 4 v32).


These verses indicate that we grieve the Holy Spirit primarily by the
incorrect use of the tongue, just as the correct use of the tongue shows we
are filled with the Spirit.
Angry words are the fuel which makes the flames of discord burn
more fiercely. Hasty bitter words can never be unsaid. Trivial, idle gossip
causes much unnecessary pain and heartache.

Watch your step and watch your lip.
Words as well as stones can trip,
Stones can cut and bruise your shin,
Words can hurt the heart within.
Watch your lips well so that you
Never let unkind words through.

The Lord Jesus often spoke about the tongue and how it should or
should not be used.
He made it clear that our words would be judged.
“Every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give
account thereof in the day of judgement. For by thy
words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt
be condemned” (Matthew 12 v36 and 37).
He stated that what really counts is not what goes into our
mouth but what comes out of it.
“Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man;
but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a
man” (Matthew 15 v11).
He also made it clear that our words help to show our
resemblance (or lack of resemblance) to God.
“But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that
curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for
them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that
ye may be the children of your Father which is in
Heaven: for He maketh His sun to rise on the evil and on
the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust”
(Matthew 5 v44,45).
Solomon, in the book of Proverbs, often spoke about the importance
of silence (e.g. 17 v28, 26 v4), about the value of a well used tongue
(e.g. 12 v25; 15 v23) and about the harm caused by a badly used


tongue (e.g. 17 v9; 25 v18).
James teaches that the use of the tongue demonstrates if a person
is saved or not.
“If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth
not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion
is vain” (James 1 v26).
James also makes it clear that when a person is saved, the use of
his tongue determines and demonstrates the level of his maturity
and spirituality.
“For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in
word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the
whole body” (James 3 v2).

The Problem Of The Heart
However, we must always remember that the tongue is controlled by
the heart. The tongue only says what is in the heart. What we say is the
overflow of what we think and how we feel. So the problems of the tongue
are the result of the problems in the heart.
The Lord Jesus makes this clear.
“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth
forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil
treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil; for of the
abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh” (Luke 6 v45).
Many years previously Solomon had said exactly the same:
“Keep thy heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of
life” (Proverbs 4 v23).
It is interesting that in the last chapter of Paul’s letter to the
Philippians, after writing in the early verses of the chapter about the
division and disunity which existed in the church, Paul should write
these precious words:
“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever
things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things
are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are
of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise,
think on these things” (Philippians 4 v8).
Those words sum everything up. That’s why Paul uses the word


“Finally.” If my mind and my heart are full of, and focusing upon,
“things” such as Paul outlines there will be no “overflow problem”
and no breakdown in relationships.

My tongue said a word it shouldn’t have said.
It came from a thought rolling round in my head.
My head put the blame on a different part.
It said, “That came right out of your heart.”
(Author unknown)

Your relationship with others depends on the right and correct use of
your tongue; but that, in turn, hinges on your heart attitudes towards others.
Our next chapter will deal in detail with the subject of attitudes.

Kind hearts are the garden.
Kind thoughts are the roots.
Kind words are the blossoms.
Kind deeds are the fruits.
(Author unknown)

Do you agree that most problems in personal relationships come out of
the heart through the tongue? Think back to a problem situation you
were in recently. What caused it?
Can you remember any recent example of your heart-attitude flowing
over onto your tongue and causing a problem?
What should you have done to prevent this happening?
Read through the Ten Commandments as outlined in Exodus 20 verses
3 to 17. How many of these involve, directly or indirectly, the correct
use of the tongue, or warn against its incorrect use?


Chapter 3:
Watch Your Attitudes

ood relationships are based upon good attitudes. The Bible teaches
G us that we need to have the right attitude to other people at all
times if we are to live and work together in a way which pleases God. And
this is also obvious from the viewpoint of common sense.
Our attitudes are what we think about each other; and how we feel
towards each other. These attitudes are, in turn, the basis of what we say
and what we do in our relationships with each other.
Someone has said, “The longer I live the more I realize the impact of
attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more
important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances,
than failures, than successes, than our position or work, than what other
people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness
or skill. It will make or break a mission, a church or a home. Attitude keeps
us going or disables our progress. When our attitudes are right there are no
barriers too high, no valley too deep, no dreams too excessive, no challenge
too great for us.
The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding
the attitude we will embrace that day. We cannot change our past and we
cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot
change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string
we have and that is attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens
to me and 90% how I react to it.”
There are five biblical attitudes which you and I need to aim at, cultivate
and develop. We need to pray that God, the Holy Spirit, will, as we do so,
encourage and nurture these more and more in our lives and in our
relationships:

A Loving Attitude To All
This attitude is outlined clearly, and in much detail, in 1 Corinthians
chapter 13.
This attitude of love is not just a sentimental feeling. It is an attitude of
the heart which is expressed by, and evidenced by, what you say and what


you do.
This attitude can be demonstrated in different ways:-
By seeing the good things in other people
It is so easy to see, and to be aware of, the bad things. This often
means that the good things are not recognized. You should not focus
on people’s weaknesses but on their strengths.
By not being upset or irritated by those actions and attitudes in
other people which could upset you
Perfectionists can be easily upset by those who are careless
and untidy.
Those who move slowly can be irritated by those who go
quickly.
Those who rise up early in the morning can be irritated by
those who rise up late.
I understand that Hudson Taylor said on one occasion, “My greatest
temptation is to lose my temper over the slackness and inefficiency
so disappointing in those on whom I depended.”
But you need to take people as they are, and to take in your stride their
human limitations (if such they are). Others have the right to be
what they are. You need firstly to be aware of your own faults, and
then to be tolerant of others’ differences.
By thinking of others’ needs and not just your own
This is clearly illustrated by the Lord Jesus in John 13 verses 1-17 as
He washed His disciples’ feet. It would seem that no one else was
willing to do so; or perhaps it was just thoughtlessness on their part.
So He did it. And He added in verse 17:
“If ye know these things, happy (or blessed) are ye if ye do
them.”
You should always want the very best for others, and be continually
looking for opportunities to help and encourage them. Can you do
something to help? Can you avoid doing something which would
harm or hurt? Can you give a word of encouragement and praise?
Are you looking for such opportunities, or are you thoughtless like
the disciples?
By seeking the good of others, and by giving priority to their
needs instead of your own
Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 11 v1:


“Be ye followers (imitators) of me, as I also am of Christ.”
The context of that command is one of seeking the good and the
salvation of others (1 Corinthians 10 v33). This was Jesus Christ’s
desire and goal, and it was Paul’s also; and the Lord Jesus wants
you and me to follow in the same footsteps.
Earlier in the same epistle Paul had used almost the same words:
“Wherefore I beseech you, be ye followers (imitators) of me”
(1 Corinthians 4 v16).
This verse was in the context of teaching and serving others (1
Corinthians 4 v14, 15 and 17).
Even little acts which flow from a loving and a caring heart are a
great help as you and I seek to serve others, and as we help and
encourage those who have needs. It is often these little acts which
demonstrate our love, and our heart attitude.
I believe, with all my heart, that if you and I could develop this loving
attitude to all those with whom we work, and with whom we live, there
would be very few relationship problems.

To love the whole world
For me is no chore.
My only real problem
Is my neighbour next door.
(Author unknown)

A Submissive Attitude To Your Leaders
Each of us is responsible to someone; most of us, perhaps all of us, live
or work under the leadership of another person.
The Bible makes it very clear what your attitude to your leader should
always be.
“Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the older” (1 Peter
5 v5).
“Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves:
for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that
they may do it with joy, and not with grief” (Hebrews 13 v17).
This latter verse teaches four truths:
You should submit to your leaders.
They are responsible for your welfare.


Your submission will make their work a joy.
They will help you.
The teaching of Romans 13 v1-6 is similar.
Submission is a difficult concept for many to understand and practise
in today’s world. We live in a world where authority is criticized and not
respected. This is even sometimes true in Christian circles. But you are
responsible always to accept, and to follow joyfully, the decisions made by
your leader, provided they are not morally or ethically wrong. You need, at
all times, to cultivate a respect for, and loyalty to, your leaders even though
they are not perfect.
(More information on the subject of submission to leadership can be
found on pages 135 to 139).

An Unselfish Attitude To Others
There was, as we have seen, a problem in the church at Philippi, and
Paul was very concerned about it. He refers to it in each chapter of his
letter to the church. He wants them to be united (chapter 1 v27), he warns
them against disunity (chapter 2 v2-11), he encourages unity of purpose
(chapter 3 v15), and he pinpoints the problem, and one of the reasons for
this disunity (chapter 4 v2).
He wanted the aim of the church at Philippi to be ONENESS
despite any differences of personality, age or background.
These differences were much much fewer in number than
the many things they had in common.
He wanted their attitudes to display sacrifice, humility and
unselfishness. When such attitudes exist there will always be
a genuine sense of unity and oneness.
And he wanted action. Unity does not happen automatically.
It must be worked out.
It is so easy for you and me to be selfish and self-centred in our thoughts,
words and actions. I think about and speak about my work, my family, my
future, my health. What will I gain or lose? How does this affect me? The
biblical attitude is the opposite. God wants you and me to be unselfish.
Paul explains this biblical attitude of unselfishness to the Philippians in
the first eleven verses of chapter 2. He shows that it is clearly demonstrated
in the life and ministry of Jesus Christ, and that we should seek to display


the same attitude.
In verse 6 we see what He left.
“Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be
equal with God.”
He had no selfish ambition.
He was God. But He was willing to forfeit His privileges and position,
and not to hold onto them, even though He had every right to do so.
In verse 7 and 8a we see what He became.
“But made Himself of no reputation, and took upon Him the
form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men.”
He had no pride.
The Bible, over and over again, shows us how wrong pride is - and
its awful consequences (Proverbs 13 v10; Proverbs 28 v25). The
Lord Jesus humbled Himself and became a man. What
condescension! Try to imagine a man becoming a worm. But He
stooped down much much lower than that (Psalm 22 v6; 2
Corinthians 8 v9).
In verse 8b we see what He did.
“And became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.”
He showed no selfishness.
He became obedient unto death. He thought only of us and of our
interests, and not of Himself.
He is your example. Paul writes to the Philippian church and to us:
“Let this mind (or attitude) be in you which was also in Christ
Jesus”(Philippians 2 v5).
“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness
of mind let each esteem other better than themselves” (Philippians 2
v3).
The result of this will be the unity Paul speaks about in verse 2—
“having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.”
If you have no selfish ambition, no pride and no selfishness, you will
never cause friction or division; you will have the right heart attitude towards
others, and your tongue will be a means of blessing to them.

I must not climb over people.
I must not look down on people.
I must not turn away from people.


A Quiet Attitude Towards Opposition And Criticism
How should you react when people hurt you, or say harsh things to
you or about you? What should you do if people criticise you, ridicule you
or oppose you?
The world’s reaction is to fight back, and to “give” the other person as
much as, or more than, he “gave” you.
But the Lord Jesus shows you how you should react. Once again He
sets an example for all of us to follow; and displays the attitude you and I
should have in such circumstances.
“Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should
follow His steps:
. . . when He was reviled He reviled not again
. . . when He suffered He threatened not
. . . but committed Himself to Him that judgeth righteously” (1
Peter 2 v21-23).
These verses show His suffering, His silence and then His commitment
to His heavenly Father. He had the ability and the authority to “hit back”.
He could have destroyed them with a word or a look. But He didn’t. He
took everything they said, and did so quietly and without fighting back.
Instead He left the issues and the results in the Hands of His Heavenly
Father.
You must learn to be quiet, not to fight back and then to leave the
issues and the results in God’s Hands. At the same time you need to examine
yourself, and whatever criticism you have heard, so that you can see if it is
true or not true, and also find out for yourself if some change is needed.
Don’t try to give as good as you get. When the spirit behind the criticism
is wrong it can only be overcome by responding in a contrary spirit—
If it is driven by contention – respond in peaceableness
If it is driven by malice – respond in love
If it is driven by meanness – respond in generosity
If it is driven by pride – respond in humility
If it is driven by arrogance – respond in teachableness
If it is driven by deception – respond in truth
If it is driven by mistrust – respond in faith
The Bible teaches us that this quiet attitude should also be demonstrated
when facing controversy and difference of opinion. The worldly attitude is


division and bitterness. The biblical attitude is quietness, unity and harmony.
But this needs work and effort. Differences of opinion are possible and
even normal. But you and I can give and take without sacrificing what we
believe, and we can do so without bitterness and with respect for the other
person.
You should continually ask yourself these questions:
Do I see his point of view?
Why does he see things differently?
Can I help him in any way?
Am I praying for him?
Will it all matter in two/three years’ time? In eternity?
God gives us a precious promise in the book of Isaiah:
“In quietness (towards people and problems)
and confidence (in God)
shall be your strength” (Isaiah 30 v15).

A Contented Attitude Towards Circumstances
When things go wrong the world murmurs, complains, criticizes, pities
itself and/or blames someone else. You are not to do that:
“Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were
destroyed of the destroyer” (1 Corinthians 10 v10).
You can be like the person who said, “I had no shoes and complained
until I met a man who had no feet.”
There will be many difficulties and problems. There might be sickness,
tiredness, discouragement, disappointment, misunderstandings and shortage
of finance—or, even, bad weather or a car breakdown. But the Bible
teaches clearly that you should have a contented attitude in all these
circumstances.
So often we as Christians react to difficult circumstances in one of
two ways (or in both):
We blame someone else, and become bitter
We feel sorry for ourselves and become miserable
However, we read in the Bible:
“Do all things without murmurings and disputings” (Philippians 2


v14).
The verse which follows explains that this will be a good testimony in
the world:
“that ye may be blameless and harmless ... without rebuke ...
among whom ye shine as lights in the world” (Philippians 2 v15).
Paul could write:
“I have learned in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content”
(Philippians 4 v11).
He was able to do this:
“through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4 v13).
What a testimony a contented attitude is to the world, and to our fellow
workers! May each of us show such an attitude in all circumstances.
Set Of The Sail
One ship goes east, another west,
By the self same winds that blow.
Tis the set of the sail
And not the gale
That determines the way they go.
Like the winds of the sea
Are the ways of time,
As we voyage along through life.
Tis the set of the soul
That determines the goal
And not the calm or the strife.
(Author unknown)

Conclusion
It is interesting—and challenging—to see the difference between the
biblical attitudes which we have outlined and the worldly attitudes which
we can see around us:
The biblical attitude to others is love; the worldly attitude is
indifference.
The biblical attitude to leadership is submission; the worldly attitude
is rebellion, criticism and independence.
The biblical attitude to others is unselfishness; the worldly attitude
is selfishness.
The biblical attitude to opposition is quietness; the worldly attitude is
to fight back.


The biblical attitude to circumstances is contentment; the worldly
attitude is complaining.
It is tragic that so often we as Christians have worldly attitudes rather
than those which are biblical. Let us examine ourselves!

Good Advice From John Wesley,
the Founder of the Methodist church

“Believe evil of no one, and put the best construction on everything.
Speak evil of no one; keep your thoughts to yourself till you go to the
person concerned. Be diligent; never while away time nor spend
more time than is necessary in unprofitable talk or occupation.
Converse sparingly and cautiously with the opposite sex. You have
nothing to do but to .. spend and be spent in the work of the Lord. Be
ashamed of nothing but sin .. not of cleaning your own boots or your
neighbour’s, or such things. In all things act according not to your
own will, but rather according to God’s will.”

More Good Advice From John Wesley
“Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
As long as ever you can.”

As you examine the five types of attitudes outlined in this chapter is it
possible that you have adopted a worldly attitude as opposed to a biblical
attitude in any one area?
Can you see any way to correct this in the future?
Do you, right now, have any harsh thoughts about someone who you
feel has harmed you or criticized you?
What do you see the solution to be? What do you need to do?
Give examples from the life of the Lord Jesus of how He displayed the
biblical attitudes outlined in this chapter (one example for each attitude).
Examine the list of the fruits of the Spirit as outlined in Galatians 5 v22
and 23, and show how they are related to these five biblical attitudes.


Chapter 4:
Watch Your Ears

f you are going to have good relationships with others it is important to
I know what you should hear, and to whom you listen. Someone has
said, “We have two ears and only one mouth. Therefore what we hear is
twice as important as what we say.”
There are two simple rules to follow with regard to listening:

Be A Good Listener To People As They Share With You
“Wherefore my beloved brethren let every man be swift to hear”
(James 1 v19).
The command of James is not only that we should listen to, or hear,
those who are speaking to us; but that we should be eager and quick to do
so.
Every Christian worker needs to be a good listener. Listening is an
important part of your ministry, whether listening to your leader, or to those
you are leading, or to your friends and co-workers.
Someone has said, “How few Christians possess the gift of being wisely
silent.”
A compliment paid to someone was, “He could be silent in seven
different languages.”
Watchman Nee writes: “A servant of the Lord must acquire the habit
of listening to what people say. Not just listening in a casual fashion, but
with attention. This is not easy. Our ears must be trained to hear.”
He writes again, “Bad listeners will never be good workers. Some
think that the main essential is to be able to speak. No—it is to be able to
listen.”
How can you help people if you have only learned to use your mouth
and not your ears?
I always find it irritating when the person I am speaking to is obviously
not really listening to me. His eyes are wandering; or his eyes, while fixed
on mine, are glazed; or he is obviously only thinking of what he is going to
say (as soon as he gets a chance to do so!).
You must be sure that you do not listen like that to others.


It often happens that when you have listened intently to a person for 20
or 30 minutes, and without saying anything, that that person will say,
“Thank you for being such a help.” Even though you said nothing, you
helped by just listening! Listening in the right way communicates to the
person concerned that you do care and that you understand. There will
be times when you won’t know what to say, and in such a case it is better
not to say anything. A sympathetic nod may often be enough. Or to respond
“I will pray for you” or just “Thanks for sharing that with me.”
There is a time to speak but there is also a time to be silent (Ecclesiastes
3 v7).

A wise old owl lived in an oak.
The more he saw the less he spoke.
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why can’t we all be like that bird?

This does not mean, of course, that you should only listen, and never
talk. There are times when you should, and you need to, talk. But you need
to remember how important it is to be—A GOOD LISTENER.
A young man typed five rules on a card and stuck it upon his mirror so
he would be reminded daily of what he had resolved to do:

Do more than think - ponder
Do more than hear - listen
Do more than listen - understand
Do more than talk - say something
Do more than read - absorb

Be A Bad Listener To Those Who Gossip About Others
D.E. Hoste, the successor to Hudson Taylor as director of the China
Inland Mission, said, “In these last 50 years the thing which has caused
most harm and sorrow and division in the Lord’s work is telling stories and
tale-bearing.”
We will come back to this subject later, but note what the Bible says:
“He that repeateth a matter separateth very friends” (Proverbs 17
v9).
“Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out; so where there is no
talebearer, the strife ceaseth” (Proverbs 26 v20).


Many of us have seen the well known picture of three monkeys. One
of them covers his eyes, the second covers his mouth, and the third has his
hands over his ears.
“See no evil.”
“Speak no evil.”
“Hear no evil.”
There are times when we need to imitate this third monkey.You and I
could well pray David’s prayer in Psalm 141 v3 in a slightly different way:
“Set a watch, O Lord, before my ears.”
It is said that Augustine, the famous theologian of the 5th century, had
a plaque on the wall of his dining-room which read:
“Whoever speaks an unkind word about an absent brother is not
welcome at this table.”
What should you do when people come to you with gossip, and stories
which are critical of, and derogatory to, other people?
You should stop the gossiper, and not listen to him.
You should rebuke the gossiper—gently and with love. Remind him
that such stories can cause much harm. He will now be less likely
to gossip to you again. Remember also that silence on your part, or,
worse, a knowing look, or, still worse, a nod of agreement, will indicate
your approval and encourage him to continue.
You should not pass on anything you hear. Let it stop with you.
You should remember that the person who gossips to you about
someone else will probably gossip to someone else about you!
You should ask yourself these questions. Why does he come to me
with these stories? Is it because he knows that I like to hear them?
Do you?
If you follow these guidelines he will not come again!

Have you developed the ability to listen carefully and with attention to
other people? If not, what can you do to develop this ability?
What have you done when other Christians have shared gossip with
you? What do you plan to do the next time they do?
Do other people often bring gossip and stories to you?


Have you ever asked yourself the question – why do they do so? What
is the answer?


Chapter 5:
Watch Your Words

hapter 2 emphasized that the most significant factor in the area of
C personal relationships, and the one which causes more problems
than anything else is the tongue. In almost every breakdown in relationships
the tongue invariably plays a crucial and vital role. Extreme vigilance is
therefore necessary with regard to how you use your tongue.
Watchman Nee writes, “We can repent our faults and be forgiven, but
we cannot retrieve what we have released. An unbridled tongue is the
most serious defect of character possible in the life and ministry of a
Christian because the careless words the tongue utters release a deadly
stream that flows on and on spreading death wherever it goes.”
He writes again, “When we stand before the judgment seat we may
discover that the damage done by light loose talk exceeds that done in
many other ways. It works great havoc in other lives as well as our own.
Words that have once escaped our lips cannot be recovered. They may go
on and on from mouth to ear spreading damage as they go.”
The words that we speak can cause harm, or bring blessing, in two
ways:
Through the words we speak to each other.
Through the words we speak about each other.
You and I need to be very careful that we do not cause any harm in
either of these ways.

You Need To Watch Your Words To Others
This is the main problem. Words can wound; and we often hurt each
other too much. We say things to co-workers, to those we lead, to our
leaders, or to our family, that we should never have said. Criticism, sarcasm,
ill-advised humour, or a wrong tone of voice can cause great harm.
Paul writes:
“Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that
ye may know how ye ought to answer every man” (Colossians 4 v6).
And he commands us:


“to speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle, showing
all meekness unto all men” (Titus 3 v2).
You might think to yourself after you have hurt someone, “I wish I
hadn’t said that.” But it is too late. You have said it, and it cannot be taken
back. The time to solve “tongue problems” is before they happen rather
than afterwards. Prevention is much better than cure.
You need to understand the power of the tongue—both for evil or for
good.

James’ Teaching On The Tongue
James deals with this subject in great detail in the third chapter of his
epistle.
He gives six pictures of the tongue in verses 3 to 12:

The Tongue Directs
The tongue is like a bit in a horse’s mouth. It is small but it controls
where the horse goes (verse 3).
The tongue is like the rudder of a ship which is so small in comparison
to the size of the ship. Yet when it turns the ship turns (verse 4).

The Tongue Destroys
The tongue is like a fire. The tongue can destroy people and their
testimonies in the same way as fire can burn down a house (verse 6).
Dr. Warren Wiersbe, the well known author and conference speaker,
writes: “If the heart is filled with hatred Satan will light the fire. But if
the heart is filled with love, God will light the fire.”
The tongue is like a wild animal which can do so much damage when
uncontrolled (verses 7 and 8).
Someone has said, “The tongue is but three inches long, yet it can
kill a man six feet high!”

The Tongue Delights
But the tongue is also like a fountain. How pleasant is the sweet water
of a fountain in a dry country. It brings freshness and growth (verse 11).
And the tongue is like a tree in a dry country. It provides fruit for food
and refreshment, and shade and shelter for rest and comfort (verse 12).
In the light of the fact that the tongue can direct and destroy, James


writes:
“Wherefore my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear
slow to speak . . . (James 1 v19).
It is interesting that this command immediately follows doctrinal
teaching about God in verse 17, and about the regenerating work of the
Holy Spirit in verse 18. And it is preceded by the word “wherefore” which
links it to the preceding doctrinal teaching. Doctrine and duty are closely
linked. Belief and behaviour go together, and should never be separated.

Be Slow To Speak
The main problem we have with our tongues is that we speak too
quickly, and that we react too hastily and without thought, reflection or
prayer.
We need, of course, to be slow to speak about ourselves. So often
we speak about what we have, what we do. “I,” “me” and “my” are our
three favourite words, and we speak too much about “us.” This might give
us a greater earthly reward and more thanks from men, but we lose the
heavenly word of commendation which is promised in Matthew 6 v1-6;
16-18 to those who give their alms, pray and fast in secret. If such activities
are engaged in publicly to gain the praise of people they may well succeed
in doing so. But they will not be rewarded by our Heavenly Father.
We should always beware of talking too much about ourselves and
our work; and we should especially shun at all times boasting of any kind.
But I believe that James wants especially to emphasize that we should
be slow to speak to others or about others and that we should have our
tongues under strict control at all times.
“The heart of the righteous studieth to answer (or a good man
thinks before he speaks): but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil
things” (or the evil man pours out his evil words without a thought)
(Proverbs 15 v28).
“In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that
refraineth his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10 v19).
“Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he
that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding” (Proverbs
17 v28).
“Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from
troubles” (Proverbs 21 v23).


An elderly woman was well liked by many in her community. Someone
asked her what her secret was and she replied, “Well, sir, I am always
careful to taste my words before I let them pass my teeth.” That’s good
advice!

Be In Control
The control of the tongue is, according to James, a barometer which
measures the maturity and spiritual development of a Christian.
“If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect (or mature)
man, and able also to bridle the whole body” (James 3 v2).
A hospital attendant with the British forces in North Africa during
World War 2 tells this story:

“Every morning the doctor and I visited and spoke with the patients.
The doctor always used the same two sentences:
‘How are you?’
‘Show me your tongue.’
I noticed that the doctor was more interested in the state of the
patient’s tongue than in the answer he received to the first question,
‘How are you?’ I have come to the conclusion that the same is true of
our relationship with God. We may offer to God an answer to the first
question which is our own estimate of our spiritual condition. But
God like the doctor judges mainly from our tongue.”

Sometimes you may try to excuse what you say by calling it constructive
criticism (when it is, often, destructive); or by claiming that you are dealing
with principles and not people (when it is usually both) or by saying there is
nothing personal in what you say; or by covering it over with humour or
sarcasm. But people are sensitive, and it is so easy to hurt them when you
do not control your tongue. Charles Spurgeon, the well known 19th century
English pastor, wrote: “Some men’s tongues bite more than their teeth.”
“There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue
of the wise is health” (Proverbs 12 v18).
Just as a broadsword wounds with a wide swing, or an épée wounds
with sharp thrusts, so in different ways the tongue can wound and cause
considerable damage. Washington Irvine, the novelist, wrote: “A sharp
tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use.”
“He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth
wide his lips shall have destruction” (Proverbs 13 v3).


The Bible uses the word “froward” with regard to the use of our
tongue. For example:
“The mouth of the wicked speaketh frowardness” (Proverbs 10
v32b).
Froward speech consists of words which are filled with strife and
contention. A person who is froward likes to get into an argument over
trivial issues; he insists that he is right and opposes every idea which doesn’t
agree with his own thinking.
“A fool’s lips enter into contention and his mouth calleth for
strokes” (Proverbs 18 v6).
There is nothing wrong with a friendly discussion nor even a debate in
which both sides of an issue are considered. But when voices are raised
and tempers run high and a spirit of contention prevails it is best to stop the
discussion quickly. If people get heated over a subject the discussion should
be postponed by suggesting that everyone concerned goes away to think
and pray about this matter.
A person who is contentious and easily flies “off the handle” simply
moves from one storm centre to another leaving broken hearts behind. His
sharp, cutting remarks add fuel to the flames and stir up strife.

Be Gentle
Paul gives you and me a very clear and vital command - which could
well be your key verse with regard to personal relationships:
“The servant of the Lord must not strive (it is never right for us to
fight or quarrel); but be gentle unto all men” (2 Timothy 2 v24).
His exhortation to you and me is to be gentle. This means to be
gentle to everybody and not just to those who are nice to us.
What does it mean to be gentle? The only other place where this
Greek word is used in the New Testament is in Paul’s letter to the church
at Thessalonica. Paul describes himself and his ministry:
“We were gentle among you, even as a nurse (or nursing mother)
cherisheth her children” (1 Thessalonians 2 v7).
What better and clearer picture of gentleness is there than that of a
mother with her little new-born infant. That should be the picture of us in
our relationships with others. We need to be GENTLE with everyone and
at all times. Someone has said, “Nothing is ever lost by courtesy (or by
gentleness). It is the cheapest of the pleasures. It costs nothing but gives


much. It pleases him who gives it, and also him who receives it. Like
mercy it is twice blessed.” Another person has truly said, “The bigger soul
you are, the gentler you will be with little people.”
This gentleness is what Paul refers to when he writes to the Colossians:
“Let your speech be always with grace” (Colossians 4 v6).
We need always to be gracious in our speech to others, and be sure
our words are the result of our concern and love for them:
“Pleasant words are as a honeycomb; sweet to the soul, and
health to the bones” (Proverbs 16 v24).
William Shakespeare, the world famous English dramatist, wrote in
the Merchant of Venice ”The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth
as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath; it is twice
bless’d; it blesseth him that gives and him that takes.”
Of course there are times when rebuke is necessary but, even then,
that rebuke should be given with love and gentleness. It is not just what
you say that alienates people; it is how you say it. It is possible to be right
in what you say, but wrong in the way you say it. That then makes it
wrong!
“Rebuke not an elder, but entreat him as a father; and the younger
men as brethren” (1 Timothy 5 v1).
“Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual,
restore such a one in the spirit of meekness” (Galatians 6 v1).
Remember too that gentleness is not just what you say. It also includes
the tone of your voice and even the expression on your face.

It is not so much what you say,
As the manner in which you say it;
It is not so much the language you use,
As the tone in which you convey it.

“Come here!” I sharply said,
And the baby cowered and wept,
“Come here!” I cooed; he looked and smiled,
And straight to my lap he crept.

The words may be mild and fair,
And the tones may pierce like a dart;
The words may be soft as the summer air,
And the tones may break the heart.


Whether you know it or not,
Whether you mean or care;
Gentleness, kindness, love and hate,
Envy and anger are there.

Then would you quarrels avoid,
And in peace and love rejoice;
Keep anger not only out of your words,
But keep it out of your voice.
(Author unknown)

Be Tactful
Tact is a quick perception and appreciation of what is fit, proper and
right to say, and what not to say, in any situation.
It especially involves a fine sense of how to avoid giving offense. The
same thing can be said either in a tactful and/or in an untactful manner.
One shoe salesman said to his client, “I am sorry, Madam, but your
foot is too large for this shoe.” The other salesman who was in a similar
situation said, “I’m sorry, Madam, but this shoe is too small for your foot.”
Both were correct in what they said but which one was tactful?
Tactlessness is usually the result of speaking without thought. Try to
put yourself in the other person’s place and think carefully before you
make a judgment or express an opinion.
An imaginary (and quite humorous) prayer reads like this:

Dear Heavenly Father,
So far today I have done alright. I haven’t gossiped. I haven’t lost my
temper. I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or indulgent. I
haven’t been rude or tactless. I haven’t spoken too quickly or said
anything I shouldn’t have said. And I’m very thankful for all of that.
But in a few minutes, Heavenly Father, I am going to get out of bed!
And from then on I am going to need a lot more help. Amen.

Be Honest
A Christian should never be guilty of telling lies. A lie is deceit or any
attempt to deceive in word, act, or attitude. You and I can deceive through
silence, cheating, or exaggeration; by distortion of the truth, by the creation
of a false impression, or by the breaking of a promise.
Honesty is the clear teaching of the Word of God (Exodus 20 v16;


Leviticus 19 v11; Psalm 52 v2-4; Acts 5 v1-11; Colossians 3 v9 and 1
Peter 3 v10). Dishonesty, in any form, is sin against God, harmful to yourself
and often results in a breakdown in relationships.
It is not easy to be frank and honest on all occasions but that is no
excuse for “double talk” when we say one thing to a person’s face and
another behind his back. A direct question demands a direct answer on
most occasions. It is cowardice to shrink from speaking honestly to
someone; and it is double talk to say to others what you have refrained
from saying to the person concerned. Although honesty is sometimes difficult
and may not be appreciated at first, the right thinking person will appreciate
it eventually. However, you must always be gentle at the same time as you
are honest. Honesty and gentleness should complement each other not
contradict each other.
Sometimes it is not appropriate or necessary to reveal all we know.
But we should never lie. Sometimes we may have to say “I’m sorry but I
am not able to share that information at this time.”

Do Not Exaggerate
Exaggeration is really a form of lying, and is based upon a desire to
impress others by trying to be sensational, or interesting or even
manipulative. It leads to a lack of trust and confidence on the part of
others and introduces a suspicion into relationships which can eventually
cause problems.
Sometimes we exaggerate to make ourselves appear better than we
are. Other times we do it to give a better impression of our work and
ministry. Sometimes we do it so people will listen to us and think that what
we are saying is important. But whatever the reason or motivation we
need to recognize that exaggerations are often nothing but lies, or at least
attempts to deceive people by distorting the facts.

You Need To Watch Your Words About Others
We have already referred to the danger of listening to gossip. But it is
an even greater danger to be the one who gossips.
Someone has said; “With churches, committees, councils, fellowships,
and Christian groups of every kind, there is a disgraceful amount of evil-
speaking one of another. Often things seem to go on as before. The work
plods on. Apparently there is a measure of blessing. But partnership is not


real. Fellowship is marred. There is a need for honest confession and
whole-hearted forgiveness in the whole area of Christian relationships.”
The Bible makes it clear that gossip—or evil speaking about another
person—is wrong.
“Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile”
(Psalm 34 v13).
“The words of a talebearer are as wounds and they go down
into the innermost parts” (Proverbs 18 v8).
There are three kinds of gossip:
Malicious gossip or slander when a person deliberately tries to hurt
another person and his reputation. Sometimes this gossip is true;
often it is false.
Rationalized gossip. It can have similar content to the first type and
can have the same results, but the motive is different. The gossiper
persuades himself that what he relates is for the other person’s
good, or that it is just for helpful information. In doing this he tries to
excuse himself.
Innocent gossip. This is probably the most common kind. It is the
result of thoughtlessness, insensitivity, lack of wisdom and desire to
talk. But it can cause as much harm as the other types of gossip.
Slander is a false report maliciously circulated with the goal of ruining
another person’s reputation. The slanderer relates things which would far
better be left unsaid.
Slander involves passing along doubtful information, exaggerating faults,
and even perhaps telling truth (but without love). It is obvious what the
Bible says on this subject.
“He that uttereth a slander is a fool” (Proverbs 10 v18b).
Gossip or slander about another Christian probably causes more harm
than almost anything else in the sphere of personal relationships. The Bible
makes it very clear what God thinks of gossip, slander and evil-speaking.
“These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an
abomination unto Him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands
that shed innocent blood, an heart that deviseth wicked imaginations,
feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that
speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren ”
(Proverbs 6 v16-19).


Many of these seven things which God hates are connected, in one
way or another, with gossip or slander. There is nothing more efficient in
the world than the evangelical grapevine or telephone system. Bad news
about another Christian (whether true or false) travels around the world in
a matter of hours.
Slander (or gossip) is referred to at least twice in the New Testament
in connection with believers. In 1 Timothy 3 v11 Christian wives are exhorted
to be “not slanderers”. In Titus 2 v3 the aged women are commanded to
be “not false accusers”. The Greek word is the same in both cases. The
same word is used to describe unsaved people in 2 Timothy 3 v3. The
Greek word used is “diabolos” from which comes the word “devil” (John
8 v44). It means “accuser”. The devil is the accuser, the slanderer, the
gossip. When you as a believer slander or falsely accuse or gossip, you are
in fact carrying on the devil’s work.
Unfortunately the lives and testimonies of many of the Lord’s servants
have been wrecked by gossip, and especially by stories which were not
true, or which were slanted. So often the story gets worse, and even
different, as it passes from mouth to ear.

The man who with the breath lent him by heaven,
Speaks words that soil the whiteness of a life,
Is but a murderer, for death is given
As surely by the tongue as by the knife.

You need to resolve never to say anything about another person:
which would not help or build up that person
which would harm him or his testimony
which you would not say to the person himself
which you would not be willing to put through the filter of God’s
wisdom and goodness
You can decide what to say and what not to say about another person
by asking yourself some or even all of the following questions:
Will it create harmony and peace in the body of Christ?
Is it the most merciful thing to do?
Will it produce good fruit?
Does it reflect a submissive attitude on my part?
Am I truly sincere and unselfish in wanting to share this information?

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