have a thought on death

1. Death/KillingSorrow that knows no name
“My sonwas mydream,”a grievingfathersaidinPeshawar.“TodayIburiedmydream.”There isno
wordfor a parentwho buriesachild…notinany language thatI know!Nearly132 kidswere shotinthe
headfrompointblankrange by the ruthlessTalibansuicide attackersinPakistanyesterday.Justthe very
imaginationof the plightof these parentsisenoughtomake one’sheartwrenchandbe tornto pieces…
It’sa sorrowtoo large to bear!
Havinga childdie before youisnoteasy
Everyone canagree on that. Itis universal knowledge thatparentsare supposedtodie first - sometimes
too soon,buttheystill die first.Sadly,itdoesn'talwaysworkoutthatway.Sometimeschildrendie
before theirparents.Itisdevastating,butithappens.
Grievingthe lossof a child
The lossof a childisthe mostdevastatingexperience aparentcanface.A piece of yourself islostand
your future isforeverchanged.Losingachildisunspeakablypainful buthow one makessense of thatis
mostimportant.A remarkable exampleisthatof Dorris Franciswhomanagestrafficat the Delhi-
Ghaziabadborderaftershe losther 17-year-olddaughter,Niki,inanunfortunate accident.The grieving
mothertookup her"post" to ensure noone else sufferedNiki'sfate.
The grief
Many grievingparentsquestionwhetherlife will holdanymeaningforthemandwonderhow theywill
survive the painof theirloss.Parentsdescribe the feelingashavinga hole intheirheartthatwill never
heal,and may blame themselvesandask,"If onlyI had."Or theymay be angry withtheirspouse,the
doctors,God, or the government.Parentsfeel aloneandisolatedintheirgrief,asfriendsandrelatives
are oftenata lossas to whatto say.
Sharinga real life story
Suzanne’sdaughterwasdiagnosedwithabraintumorwhenshe was 7-year-old.She passedawaynearly
five yearslater.Eightmonthsafterlosingherchild,Suzanne wroteablogwhichisworthreadingand can
move youto tears…
AfterLosingmyChild:5 thingsthat help;4 that don’t
1. WhenI hear hername.My daughter’sname isNatasha;I love hearingpeoplesayhername;I
wishthey’dsayitmore often.I love seeinghername onherpossessions,including(inexplicably)
hermedicationsthatwe continue tohoard.Recentlyaformerclassmate recognizedme atthe
pool.“Are youNatasha’smother?”Those wordsmade my soul sing.Hername:Thank you!
Reference tome asher mother:Thankyou!Use of presenttense:Yes,IamNatasha’smother -
alwayswill be.

2. 2. When people acknowledge herlife
A Christmasgiftandbirthdaycard for Natashathat were sentafterherpassinggave usa brief
burst of joy;theyvalidatedourdrive asgrievingparentstokeepatleastpart of her alive.Whyis
it thatpeople thinkthatif theyact like ourdaughterisstill withus,we will be terriblyinsulted?
Didtheythinkthat we’dforgottenthatwe’dhada daughterwhohad diedandthat the card and
giftwouldbe unpleasantreminders?
3. Hearing“You’ll nevergetoverit,
Hearing“You’ll nevergetoverit,”frommy bereavedauntwholostherteensoninan auto
accidentmanyyearsago. That assertionringstrue to usand it givesuspeace.Conversely,non-
bereavedparentsseemtoclingtothe convictionthatwe will getoverit.
4. Other parentswhohave losta child
It takesa cancer parentto knowthe turmoil invokedwitheachof those words.Bereaved
parentsdon’trespondwithpanicwhentheysee uscry - somethingthatshocksmanypeople,
especiallyif afatheriscrying.We know that tearsdon’tmeanwe’re havinganunusuallyrough
day,any more than laughtermeanswe’re havingagoodday.Cryingisjust somethingbereaved
parentsdo –- possiblyeverydayandpossiblycopiously.
5. Hearingfrom people.
Thank youto everyone whohassharedtheirownstorieswithme.WritingaboutNatashaisthis
mother'stherapy;thankyoufor readingit.
Emotional aspectsof grief
The grief journeyhasmanyemotional peaksandvalleysandlastsfarlongerthansocietyin
general recognizes.Because eachperson'sgriefjourneyisunique,youmayfindthatyou,your
spouse andyour familyare all processingtheirgrief atdifferentspeedsandindifferentways.
The lossof a childisn’tsomethingyouwillgetover;itissomethingyouwill learn togothrough.
What typesof helpare available?
FamilyTherapy:The deathof a childtoucheseveryone inthe familyandforeverchangesits
landscape.Sadness,anger,andhopelessnessare some of the emotionsoftenfeltbybereaved
parents.Family therapistsare speciallytrainedtounderstandthe profoundimpactof thisloss
on an individual andafamilyandcan assistthrougha time of bereavement.
SupportGroups
Supportgroupsfor bereavedparentsofferaplace to talkaboutyour child,yourloss,fears,
anger,anxietiesandotherfeelings.These groupsalsohelpparentslearnfromthe experiences
of otherswhohave sufferedthe same ora similartype of loss.Severalsupportgroupsprovide
servicesforotherfamilymembers,suchassiblingsandgrandparents.
5 mistakespeople make whenafriend'schilddies
1. Announcingthe child'sdeathonsocial media:Don'tdothis.Please.Doesn'tmatterhow
active the parentsmightbe on Facebooketal;it doesn'tmeantheywantto share their
newsonthisforum,and itdoesn'tmeantheywant youto do iton theirbehalf.

3. 2. Alertingeveryone youknow tonewsof the death.
The parentscouldn'tcontrol the accidentor illnessthatclaimedtheirchild'slife.Some
of themmayfeel stronglyaboutcontrollingthe mannerinwhichthe newsof their
deathtravels.One parentreportedgettingsympathytextsfromacquaintancesbefore
he had a chance to informthe grandparentsof hisson'spassing.Exercise discretionand
restraintinwhomyoutell andhow youshare the information.
3. Showingupat the memorial service dressed
The yoga pants or baseball shirtsendamessage:Youhave funactivitiesonyour
schedule thatdayand youdon't wantto devote extratime toa wardrobe change.
Wearingformal attire isnot usuallymandatory,butyoushoulddresswiththe care and
attentionthatreflectsthe momentousnessof the eventthatwill forevermarkthe
saddestpassage of these parents'lives.
4. Saying“letme knowif you needanything”
Bereavedparentsreally,reallyneedtheirchildrenbackwiththem.Inthe absence of
this,youcan helpwithbasictasksthat are usuallyoverwhelminginthe earlydaysof
grief:walkingthe dog,groceryshopping,mowingthe lawn,arrangingafunactivityfor
siblings.Don'tputthe onuson the bereavedtocall you.Be the one to pickup the phone
and suggestwaysthatmightbe helpful.
5. Promptingthemtosee a therapist
A therapistorpsychiatristmayor maynot be helpful toa bereavedparent.Butafriend
whocan listengenerouslyandnon-judgmentally,recognizingthatthere isno"fix"for
thistragedy,will probablybe greatlyvalued.If yoursupportislimitedtosuggestionsto
getprofessional help,you're implicitlytellingthemthatyourfriendshipiscontingenton
themkeepingtheirgriefto themselves.
6. Doestime reallyheal the pain?
For grievingparents,the lossof achildisan around-the-clock,unrelenting,inescapable
horror show.Everynewday'sdawnis justanothersorrow-filledreminder.Butsome of
themdo make theirwayto findthe reasonto staytetheredtothe everydayworld.They
take the waste that is theirdeepgrief,andtheyreshape someof itintofuel,into
energy,intomeaning.Andmaybe,even,intoendurance!