Joel Young - BYM 2012 - Conversations that Count
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This document discusses the concepts of nonviolent communication (NVC) developed by Marshal Rosenberg. It distinguishes between judgments and observations, feelings and needs, and strategies and requests. Feelings are described as occurring in the body, heart and soul. Common human needs are identified as connection, physical well-being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy and meaning. The document emphasizes listening without evaluating, fixing or controlling in order to understand others' feelings and needs.
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Joel Young - BYM 2012 - Conversations that Count
- 2. Jackal(Self Talk, Judgements, Interpretations.) NVC by Marshal Rosenberg PPT by NewInsight
- 3. Observation(Short, Clear, Simple description. The facts.) NVC by Marshal Rosenberg PPT by NewInsight
- 4. Feelings(In the body, heart & soul.) AFRAID ANNOYED ANGRY AVERSION CONFUSED DISCONNECTED DISQUIET EMBARRASSED FATIGUE PAIN SAD TENSE VULNERABLE YEARNING AFFECTIONATE ENGAGED HOPEFUL CONFIDENT EXCITED GRATEFUL INSPIRED JOYFUL EXHILARATED PEACEFUL REFRESHED NVC by Marshal Rosenberg PPT by NewInsight
- 5. Needs(What fills & sustains.) CONNECTION PHYSICAL WELL-BEING HONESTY PLAY PEACE AUTONOMY MEANING NVC by Marshal Rosenberg PPT by NewInsight
- 6. Request(Of myself first…clear, doable, present.) NVC by Marshal Rosenberg PPT by NewInsight
- 7. You feel bad when your needs are not met. • Larry Crabb – Understanding People – Deep Longings for Relationship. • God – “It’s not good for man to be alone.” • Marshall Rosenberg – “Everything we do is in service of our needs.”
- 8. Do your conversations count…? Q.What is a need that brought you here? Q.How are you feeling? Please Pick: Not a close friend. Not somebody difficult. Anyone else. Someone just a little bit awkward feeling
- 9. The 5 Minute Talk LISTEN! DO • Shut-up! • Quieten your inner voice too! • Feel how you're heart/spirit responds. • Listen for feelings. • Listen for needs. DON’T • Fix • Explain • ‘Relate’
- 10. Feeling does not = Evaluation Learn to OBSERVE and REFLECT without: Evaluating Fixing Controlling Explaining Evaluation/Thought Feeling/Emotion Abandoned Terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad, frightened, lonely Abused Angry, frustrated, frightened (Un) accepted Scared, lonely, hurt, anxious Unheard Sad, hostile, frustrated Why does it matter ?
- 11. Engaged • Alert • Curious • Enchanted • Involved • Stimulated Angry • Furious • Indignant • Irate • Outraged • Resentful Tense • Anxious • Cranky • Edgy • Nervous Afraid • Dread • Frightened • Panicked • Wary Vulnerable • Fragile • Helpless • Leery • Shaky Grateful • Moved • Thankful • Touched Sad • Depressed • Despair • Gloomy • Heavy • Hopeless • Unhappy I feel…
- 12. Need does not = Stratagy STRATAGY Request of others Request of self Something I do Tool Technique Thoughts Actions NEED Internal What fills me God given / life shaped Not to be denied! Q. What strategy do you use to meet the need you just talked about? Need Strategy Comfort Chocolate, Masturbation, Alcohol, Talking, Time with friends. Inviting the HS. Clarity Reflect, Get counselling, talk to a friend. Connection Computer games, hanging out, sports, good questions in conversation.
- 13. CONNECTION • acceptance • affection • belonging • companionship • mutuality • nurturing • to see and be seen PHYSICAL • food • exercise • rest/sleep • sexual expression • safety • touch HONESTY • authenticity • integrity PLAY • joy • humour PEACE • beauty • ease • harmony AUTONOMY • choice • space MEANING celebration clarity competence contribution creativity growth hope learning mourning to matter I have a need for…
- 14. The 5 Minute Talk LISTEN! DO • Shut-up! • Quieten your inner voice too! • Feel how you're heart/spirit responds. • Listen for feelings. • Listen for needs. DON’T • Evaluate • Strategize/Fix
- 15. the BIG picture Evaluation Feeling Need Strategy Abandoned Terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad, frightened, lonely Abused Caring, nurturing, s upport, safety, consi deration (Un) accepted Scared, lonely, hurt, anxious Unheard Understanding, con sideration, empathy
- 16. “When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just.. ...instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?” – Fight Club
Notas del editor
- Who am I?Ginga JoelCounsellor, Director, TeacherWhat do I want to give them?New Ears.New Awareness. A new way of being with people.A Practical way to use this knowledge.Needs that brought me here….To contribute to life.Celebrate new awareness.Progress.Meaning.Belonging.
- This is an important step but is only internal or with a friend you are getting empathy from – not out loud with the person you are trying to connect with.It’s where you get to vent all your judgements, interpretations, feelings that blame (misjudged/abandoned etc). Get it out! Then when you are ready, move to one of the other steps.
- This is about giving a SHORT, FACTUAL, description of what TRIGGERED you to want to connect.“I noticed you went to the movies and didn’t text me.”“I saw the rubbish wasn’t put out this week.”“I notice we have not had a date for about 2 months.”
- This step is about taking time to know what I am feeling and say it out loud. Have a good look and see what’s really going on. Watch out for ‘feelings that blame’ or ‘interpretations’. They belong in ‘Jackel’ mode as sharing them will likely trigger defensiveness. If you do feel like Jackeling, then step back into it and go for it . But keep it internal and use it to help you know yourself.AFRAIDapprehensivedreadforebodingfrightenedmistrustfulpanickedpetrifiedscaredsuspiciousterrifiedwaryworriedANNOYEDaggravateddismayeddisgruntleddispleasedexasperatedfrustratedimpatientirritatedirkedANGRYenragedfuriousincensedindignantiratelividoutragedresentfulAVERSIONanimosityappalledcontemptdisgusteddislikehatehorrifiedhostilerepulsedCONFUSEDambivalentbaffledbewildereddazedhesitantlostmystifiedperplexedpuzzledtornDISCONNECTEDalienatedaloofapatheticboredcolddetacheddistantdistractedindifferentnumbremoveduninterestedwithdrawnDISQUIETagitatedalarmeddiscombobulateddisconcerteddisturbedperturbedrattledrestlessshockedstartledsurprisedtroubledturbulentturmoiluncomfortableuneasyunnervedunsettledupsetEMBARRASSEDashamedchagrinedflusteredguiltymortifiedself-consciousFATIGUEbeatburnt outdepletedexhaustedlethargiclistlesssleepytiredwearyworn outPAINagonyanguishedbereaveddevastatedgriefheartbrokenhurtlonelymiserableregretfulremorsefulSADdepresseddejecteddespairdespondentdisappointeddiscourageddisheartenedforlorngloomyheavy heartedhopelessmelancholyunhappywretchedTENSEanxiouscrankydistresseddistraughtedgyfidgetyfrazzledirritablejitterynervousoverwhelmedrestlessstressed outVULNERABLEfragileguardedhelplessinsecureleeryreservedsensitiveshakyYEARNINGenviousjealouslongingnostalgicpiningwistfulFeelings when your needs are satisfiedAFFECTIONATEcompassionatefriendlylovingopen heartedsympathetictenderwarmENGAGEDabsorbedalertcuriousengrossedenchantedentrancedfascinatedinterestedintriguedinvolvedspellboundstimulatedHOPEFULexpectantencouragedoptimisticCONFIDENTempoweredopenproudsafesecureEXCITEDamazedanimatedardentarousedastonisheddazzledeagerenergeticenthusiasticgiddyinvigoratedlivelypassionatesurprisedvibrantGRATEFULappreciativemovedthankfultouchedINSPIREDamazedawedwonderJOYFULamuseddelightedgladhappyjubilantpleasedtickledEXHILARATEDblissfulecstaticelatedenthralledexuberantradiantrapturousthrilledPEACEFULcalmclear headedcomfortablecenteredcontentequanimousfulfilledmellowquietrelaxedrelievedsatisfiedserenestilltranquiltrustingREFRESHEDenlivenedrejuvenatedrenewedrestedrestoredrevived
- This is about what you really want. Take time to really sit with your feelings and discover the need. Not the strategy, but the need. This isn’t a demand on anyone, but a need that you have.It will be unique to you because of your life story. It’s not to be ashamed of or to be used as a demand of others. It’s something that fills you up and you can ask others to help meet this need.CONNECTIONacceptanceaffectionappreciationbelongingcooperationcommunicationclosenesscommunitycompanionshipcompassionconsiderationconsistencyempathyinclusionintimacylovemutualitynurturingrespect/self-respectCONNECTION continuedsafetysecuritystabilitysupportto know and be knownto see and be seento understand and be understoodtrustwarmthPHYSICAL WELL-BEINGairfoodmovement/exerciserest/sleepsexual expressionsafetysheltertouchwaterHONESTYauthenticityintegritypresencePLAYjoyhumorPEACEbeautycommunioneaseequalityharmonyinspirationorderAUTONOMYchoicefreedomindependencespacespontaneityMEANINGawarenesscelebration of lifechallengeclaritycompetenceconsciousnesscontributioncreativitydiscoveryefficacyeffectivenessgrowthhopelearningmourningparticipationpurposeself-expressionstimulationto matterunderstanding
- This is where you ask. It may be a request of yourself. It may be of another person. It might be just a request to be heard. Keep it simple, doable, and present focussed.“I would really like to know what you just heard me say.”“I would like to go on a date this month – what do you think?”“I would like to hear what you are feeling and needing at the moment.”“I would like you to figure out a way to get rid of the rubbish this week so I need not worry about it.”“I would like you to listen to me for 5 minutes while I get my thoughts out.”These are requests – not demands. If you are not really asking. Don’t ask – go back inside and see why this feels so strong that you cannot make it as a genuine request.CONNECTIONacceptanceaffectionappreciationbelongingcooperationcommunicationclosenesscommunitycompanionshipcompassionconsiderationconsistencyempathyinclusionintimacylovemutualitynurturingrespect/self-respectCONNECTION continuedsafetysecuritystabilitysupportto know and be knownto see and be seento understand and be understoodtrustwarmthPHYSICAL WELL-BEINGairfoodmovement/exerciserest/sleepsexual expressionsafetysheltertouchwaterHONESTYauthenticityintegritypresencePLAYjoyhumorPEACEbeautycommunioneaseequalityharmonyinspirationorderAUTONOMYchoicefreedomindependencespacespontaneityMEANINGawarenesscelebration of lifechallengeclaritycompetenceconsciousnesscontributioncreativitydiscoveryefficacyeffectivenessgrowthhopelearningmourningparticipationpurposeself-expressionstimulationto matterunderstanding
- Outline:Intro Me Intro Topic – Servant leadership from listening, awareness, and grace.5min talk/listen/shutupFeelings V’s Evaluations (Thoughts)Needs V’s Strategies (Fixes)5min talk/listen/shutupRight now, I have a need for? What do I want to give them?New Ears.New Awareness. A new way of being with people.A Practical way to use this knowledge.Needs that brought me here….To contribute to life.Celebrate new awareness.Progress.Meaning.Belonging.
- Not a close friend.Not somebody difficult.Anyone else.Q.What is a need that brought you here tonight?Pairs?
- In pairs – One talk about a current relevant issue (need) – the other one just listen!ListenerQ. What was hard about staying quiet?Q. What did you notice about yourself as the listener?SharerQ. What was it like have 5 min to just talk?Q. What did you notice about the content that you chose to talk about?
- In both helping ourselves and others, starting from a position of 100% acceptance give us space to acknowledge feelings that may otherwise be hidden or forbidden.If we first take time to listen for and reflect true feelings we might bear witness to somebody’s pain for the very first time. This is both very therapeutic and clarifying.Helping a person to express their feeling aside from their evaluation will help you to then discover their unmet need. Only from here should be attempt to re-write their default strategies that may have been failing them.What does this mean for the way I have conversations now?
- I want you to be completely silent. Go inside and ask yourself – what am I feeling at the moment? 3 things.
- Q. Why is this important?Q.What strategy do you use for meeting the need you just talked about?
- I want you to be completely silent. Go inside and ask yourself – what am I needing at the moment? 3 things.How can you get what you need if you don’t even know what you need?!
- In pairs – One talk about a current relevant issue (need) – the other one just listen!ListenerQ. What was hard about staying quiet?Q. What did you notice about yourself as the listener?SharerQ. What was it like have 5 min to just talk?Q. What did you notice about the content that you chose to talk about?
- Fill in the blanks.How will this change the way I have conversations in the future?
- ONE YEAR of my degree – the first year.People need to FEEL listened to because?-Know you care before they care what you know.-Some pain needs and audience before it can resolve.-Takes the punch out of pain so that the real issue can be addressed.You need to listen – so that you know what’s going on, so you can ask the right question or offer the right advice.How good are you guys are listening? 1-10People suck at it in general. Pastors included.Listening draws people out of their shame.