You can still cultivate positive relationships by encouraging & cheering others on. But to ensure that your people are performing at their best, you also have to know when it’s time to give tough feedback. Stay true to yourself by delivering it in a clear, respectful way. You may be surprised to find that on a high-functioning team where feedback is shared honestly, conflict is minimal.

1. Giving Feedback When
You’re Conflict Averse
By Amy Jen Su 13th August 2015
“Conflict avoiders are generally people who value harmony in
the workplace,” writes Amy Gallo in the HBR Guide to
Managing Conflict at Work. ”When they sense a disagreement
brewing, they will often try to placate the other person or change
the topic. These aren’t passive behaviors, but active things they
do to prevent conflict from becoming an issue.”
So what do you do if you naturally avoid conflict but a big part
of your job is giving difficult performance feedback? When
you’re worried about ruffling feathers, how do you provide your
direct reports with the input they need to learn, & improve?
The first step is acknowledging your conflict aversion. Have you
found yourself saying any of the following statements in the last
six months?
• “I believe in giving people chances & investing in them so I
want to give this more time.”

2. • “I don’t want to crush the person when he is already working
so hard. I need him to stay motivated.”
• “My style tends to be more collegial. I prefer to roll up my
sleeves & help out if someone is having trouble.”
• “The person is so difficult, aggressive, & defensive. I hate that
kind of conflict.”
If so, you may be actively avoiding confrontation. Which
doesn’t mean that you have to change your core values–
maintaining relationship harmony is an important part of any
job. But you will need to reframe the way you think about tough
feedback. Rather than seeing it as a potential violation of your
values, consider how it could be an opportunity to put your
values to work.
Here are some tips for doing that:
Don’t delay & make things worse. Although deferring a
difficult conversation can result in temporary relief, things
simmer. Problems get worse. Projects get off track or fail. We
end up putting the business—or our working relationships–at
risk & potentially having to take more dramatic action than if
we had acted earlier. When you find yourself hesitating to share
feedback, ask yourself: What is the business context? Does it
require a swift decision? Be careful that in the effort to spare the
feelings of one individual, you don’t end up hurting the morale
of many others. Or perhaps you see signs of trouble but are
holding back because you don’t fully trust your instincts.
Consider what would boost your confidence in making the call
about when to give tough performance feedback. What
additional information could you collect? What objectives are at
risk? Ultimately, what are the costs if you don’t give this
feedback now?
Be clear and open. The good news is that your agreeable
demeanor makes it next to impossible for you to deliver
feedback in a belittling way. So don’t worry about being clear &

3. direct. To keep your critique from feeling personal, start by
sharing the broader business context for why the feedback
matters now. Reassure the person that you know their intentions
were probably good, but that you do have some observations to
share about the effect of their actions. Provide your take on what
is happening for this person today, & what needs to be different.
Describe the impact they are having now and what impact they
need to have. Allow time for them to digest the information and
ask for their thoughts. Does this resonate? What is their
perspective on the issue? What are they struggling with?
But don’t stop there. Make sure that you get concrete about the
changes you need to see (in both skills & actions) & articulate
clear time frames. Offer examples of how they might have
handled the situation more effectively. For instance, you might
say, “With the monthly reports, I need to see you be more
proactive & show you are getting in front of things. Or, “When
you bring an issue to my attention, also bring a recommendation
to show that you’ve dug into it.”
In our attempt to avoid conflict, soft-pedaling or sugar-coating
might feel better in the moment, but if we don’t say what needs
to be said, real change will never happen.
Get comfortable with uncomfortable emotions. Feedback can
potentially lead to disagreement, hurt feelings, or defensiveness.
Prepare for tough conversations in advance by playing out
possible scenarios so that you’re ready for whatever may occur.
If you or the other person starts to get defensive or emotional,
acknowledge the tension & offer a break. “I understand how
difficult this must be. What do you need at this point in the
conversation?” Or, “This is challenging for both of us. I’d like
to take a break & catch up later today.” When the going gets
tough, make sure you don’t back-pedal, change your message in
an attempt to diffuse the situation, or start talking too much to

4. fill silences or plow through the conversation. You want to give
the person adequate time to digest what you are saying.
If they offer new information, take it into consideration. If
your assessment & suggested course of action remain intact,
stay on message. On the other hand, if the new information
could significantly shift your view, it’s best to step back &
reassess. You can say, “I appreciate your sharing this
information. I was not aware of it. I’d like a chance to look into
it. Let’s get together in a few days after I’ve had a chance to
learn more.”
Follow up. Even if the first conversation goes well, you can
always offer to be available for further discussion to ensure a
fair resolution. Loop back to ensure an optimal outcome has
been achieved, both in preserving the message & the
relationship.
Being an effective leader requires some level of stepping out of
your comfort zone & a commitment to continually improving
your communication skills. Your preference for harmony can be
an asset to the organization & to your team in the right
circumstances—but it can also backfire if you’re not careful.
You can still cultivate positive relationships by encouraging &
cheering others on. But to ensure that your people are
performing at their best, you also have to know when it’s time to
give tough feedback. Stay true to yourself by delivering it in a
clear, respectful way. You may be surprised to find that on a
high-functioning team where feedback is shared honestly,
conflict is minimal.
Amy Jen Su is a co-founder and managing partner of
Paravis Partners, a boutique executive coaching & leadership
development firm. She is co-author, with Muriel Maignan
Wilkins, of Own the Room: Discover Your Signature Voice to Master Your
Leadership Presence.