1. Analysis of Ordering from a Tim Horton’s drive thru is the most basic and simple
way to demonstrate good communication:
i.e.:
Incomplete Data: “I’d like a double double and a chocolate glazed donut”
Incomplete Feedback: “coffee with a double cream, double sugar. what size?
Additional Data: “a medium, please”
Feedback “ A double double medium coffee and a chocolate donut?”
Clarifying data: “NO, a LATTE and a chocolate GLAZED donut!”
Clarifying Feedback: “a double double medium Latte and a chocolate glazed donut?”
Confirming data: “Yes, that is correct”
Conclusions: “that will be Three dollars and sixty nine cents, please”
NO name calling or sarcastic remarks! How many marriages would be saved and how
many children would be spared the trauma of being cut off from a parent if only
couples used the simple techniques of communication used at a Tim Horton’s
drivethru?
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2. Strengths of Happy vs Unhappy Couples Regarding Communication p 142
Percentage in Agreement
Communication Issue
My partner understands how I feel.
93%HC 21% UC
My partner makes comments that put me down.
8% HC 64% UC
I am very satisfied with how my partner and I talk with each other.
97% HC 45% UC
4I feel good about how much my partner shares his/her feelings with me.
72% HC 15% UC
5When we are having a problem, my partner often refuses to talk about it.
17% HC 74% UC
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3. Three common styles of Communication
Passive-- unwilling to honestly show thoughts, feelings, or desires
Aggressive—characterized by blaming and accusatory actions: “You Always” “You
Never”
Assertive: Expressions in Healthy, non-defensive and non-insistent ways Asking
clearly what we want: being positive and respectful
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4. Stepmom -- “I would like to spend more time with the children.””
Stepdad -- “Perhaps you could spend one evening alone with them and I can work
late at the office.”
This encourages the partner to respond positively and assertively.
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5. Communication requires Nurturing and Attention
Try to set aside 5 – 10 minutes daily and 15-20 minutes on weekends to share
thoughts and feelings about your day, work, stresses and life together.
Use “I” statements avoid “YOU” statements
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7. Suggestions for Improving Communication
Here’s How
to Focus on the good in each other
Praise each other often
Take time to listen to understand, not to judge :Reflect before countering.
Be assertive (using “I” statements rather than “You” statements) No guessing games!
Give your relationship the importance and attention you did when you first met.
REMEMBER: God made you with TWO ears and ONE mouth for a reason! (to listen
twice as much as speak)
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8. How many barmaids have heard a man complain that his wife doesn’t understand
him?
Finally, here is an honest barmaid!
“Maybe your wife doesn’t understand you because you don’t make any sense!”
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11. A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse A small rudder on a huge ship
in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds A
word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly
anything—or destroy it!
It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire A careless or wrongly placed
word out of your mouth can do that By our speech we can ruin the world, turn
harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke
and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.
James 3:5-6 (The Message by Eugene Peterson)
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