This document provides information from a presentation on supporting children through family separation. It discusses how children may experience grief, loss, and behavioral changes after separation. It emphasizes protecting children from parental conflict, maintaining security and routines for children, and facilitating the child's relationship with both parents. The presentation covers tips for helping children manage emotions, supporting yourself during the process, and being a facilitative gatekeeper regarding the child's time with each parent.

2. A bit about me!
Clarissa Rayward
Director Brisbane Family Law Centre
Accredited Family Law Specialist
Mediator & Collaborative Family Lawyer
Also known as “The Happy Family Lawyer”
www.thehappyfamilylawyer.com

3. Today we
are joined by-
Sophie Jordan
Intern Psychologist
Counsellor
Brisbane Family Law Centre

4. How will this work?
• Please ask questions
• This is general information
and remember you should
obtain advice specific to
your family

5. What are we going to cover?
• Grief and loss
• Helping children manage their
emotions
• Maintaining the family unit
• Protecting children from conflict
• Supporting yourself
• Children’s attachments
• Maintaining security & routine

6. What are we
going to cover?
• Managing children’s behavior
• Time with both parents
• Gatekeeping
• Losing time with your children
• Things to keep an eye on
• Top 5 tips

7. Children will
experience loss
• Of the other parent
• Of the family unit
• Of day to day predictability
• Of their world view (young
children)
• Of their sense of security
• Of their security about the
future – causing anxiety

8. Children will grieve
• Shock or disbelief – want you to
reconcile
• Sadness
• Anger
• Self-blame – What did I do to cause
this, I must be too naughty, mum and
dad don’t love me anymore
• Re-integration – moving toward the
future

9. A child’s reaction to separation
• Behavioural difficulties
• Withdrawn behaviour
• Non compliance
• Aggression
• Sadness
• Loss of pleasure in previously enjoyed
activities
• Stronger adherence to routine (may
seem obstinate or obsessive-compulsive)

10. A child’s reaction
to separation
• Not wanting to leave one or both
parents
• School refusal
• A strong desire for the absent parent
• Lack of intimacy with one or both
parents
• Trouble eating/sleeping
• Playing parents off against each other
DON’T PANIC!

11. Can children help themselves?
• Teenagers, yes
• Age 8 – 12, yes but may need
help
• Under age 8, probably not

12. Helping children manage
their emotions
• Help children verbalise their emotions
• Teach them about different emotions to
develop their emotional vocabulary
• “When I’m Feeling …” by Trace Moroney
• Feelings chart
• Journaling
• Help children identify supports

13. Normalise separation &
maintain the family unit
• Reassure children families come in all
shapes, sizes and structures – teach
them about different types of
families
• Separation is the end of a romantic
relationship, not the end of your
family or co-parenting relationship
• Emphasize that the family is not
gone, it’s just changed

14. The Most Important Thing!!
Protect your children from conflict!
• Children show poorer outcomes when they
are exposed to conflict through separation
• Respect your ex-partner
• Children will grow up and form opinions about
how you managed separation
• What would you want your adult child to say
about this?

15. Protecting Children from Conflict
• Reassure children that mum and
dad will make everything okay, and
work out any problems
• Talk with your ex-partner about
managing conflict
• Keep conflict, heated, legal and
parenting discussion away from
children
• Practice how to speak to your
children about their mum/dad

16. Seek Support for Yourself
• Take care of yourself – eat well, sleep well,
exercise.
• Enlist someone to help you immediately
following separation when your
functioning can be most impaired
• Be a role model - children need to see you
managing the separation in a positive way
• Do not seek support from your children

17. Attachment
• Children do not choose to love their
parents
• Children’s attachment to their parents
defines how secure they feel in the world
• Separation disrupts the attachment
system
• If you consciously try to hurt your ex-partner,
you’re hurting your children
• It’s best if children maintain secure
attachment to both parents

18. Protect your
children’s attachment
Facilitate their relationship with the other parent:
• Speak positively about them
• Don’t be overly emotional or reactive about
them
• Make arrangements and encourage children to
spend time with them
• Consider the children’s time with the other
parent with the highest importance
• Respect the privacy of children’s relationship
and time with the other parent
• Be inclusive of the other parent

19. Maintain Security & Routine
• Display to your child that you’re secure
and in control of your world and their
world
• Maintain routine and prepare children
for new routines
• Provide reassurance
• Let children know what will and won’t
change
• Do not increase their responsibilities
• But do not give them free passes either

20. Managing children’s
behavior after separation
• Set limits as you normally would
• Recognise they might show
behavioral difficulties
• Display empathy, attention, and
respect or EAR
• Develop solutions
• Don’t compensate with toys, treats
and freedoms
• Give children your time,
understanding and special memories

21. Time with both parents
• Immediately following separation get short
term parenting arrangements (two months)
• Stick to the arrangements as much as
possible
• Be flexible with your children and the other
parent
• Model being positive, flexible and mature
• Put children’s needs above your own needs,
wants and fears.

22. Gatekeeping
• You stand guard to protect your
child from harm.
• You have the power to close the
gate in response to danger
• You have the power to open the
gate to expose your child to
situations that enhance their
development and bring them joy
• What kind of gatekeeper will you
be in your co-parenting
relationship?

23. What kind of gatekeeper
will you be?
• Facilitative gatekeeper – opens the gate
• Protective gatekeeper – closes the gate
when there is a genuine risk of harm
• Restrictive gatekeeper – keeps the gate
padlocked
• Be a facilitative and protective
gatekeeper
• Know the difference between
protective and restrictive

24. Change the way you think about
losing time with your children
• Were you happy with your relationship
with your children before separation?
Why/ why not?
• How might you be able to organize
parenting arrangements that can improve
your relationship with your children?
(focus on quality, not quantity)
• What activities did you enjoy doing with
your children? What activities did they
enjoy with you?

25. Change the way you think about
losing time with your children
• How can you work parenting arrangements so
you can still do the important activities?
• Were you happy with the time you had to
yourself before separation?
• Can less time with your children mean more
“you time”? How would you use this time?

26. Keep an eye on
• School performance and
attendance
• Eating/appetite
• Sleep
• Social interaction and peer
groups

27. 5 Top Tips for supporting
your children
1. Protect your children from conflict
2. Provide your children with a sense of
security and reassurance by modeling
appropriate coping
3. Emphasize the continued family unit
4. Be a facilitative and protective
gatekeeper
5. Help children manage their grief and
manage their behaviour using EAR

28. Any Questions?

29. Tuesday 14 October 12.30pm

30. THANK YOU!