Supporting your children after separation (soph)
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Supporting your children after separation (soph)
- 2. Overview • Grief and loss • Helping children manage their emotions • Maintaining the family unit • Protecting children from conflict • Supporting yourself • Children’s attachments • Maintaining security and routine
- 3. Overview • Managing children’s behaviour • Time with both parents • Gatekeeping • Losing time with your children • Things to keep an eye on • Top 5 tips
- 4. Children will experience loss • Of the other parent • Of the family unit • Of day to day predictability • Of their world view (young children) • Of their sense of security • Of their security about the future – causing anxiety
- 5. Children will grieve • Shock or disbelief – want you to reconcile • Sadness • Anger • Self-blame – What did I do to cause this, I must be too naughty, mum and dad don’t love me anymore • Re-integration – moving toward the future
- 6. Children’s reactions to separation • Behavioural difficulties • Withdrawn behaviour • Non compliance • Aggression • Sadness • Loss of pleasure in previously enjoyed activities • Stronger adherence to routine (may seem obstinate or obsessive-compulsive)
- 7. Children’s reactions to separation • Not wanting to leave one or both parents • School refusal • A strong desire for the absent parent • Lack of intimacy with one or both parents • Trouble eating/sleeping • Playing parents off against each other DON’T PANIC!
- 8. Can children help themselves? • Teenagers, yes • Age 8 – 12, yes but may need help • Under age 8, probably not
- 9. Helping children manage their emotions • Help children verbalise their emotions • Teach them about different emotions to develop their emotional vocabulary • “When I’m Feeling …” by Trace Moroney • Feelings chart • Journaling • Help children identify supports
- 10. Normalise separation and maintain the family unit • Reassure children families come in all shapes, sizes and structures – teach them about different types of families • Separation is the end of a romantic relationship, not the end of your family or co-parenting relationship • Emphasize that the family is not gone, it’s just changed
- 11. The most important thing… Protect your children from conflict! • Children show poorer outcomes when they are exposed to conflict through separation • Respect your ex-partner • Children will grow up and form opinions about how you managed separation • What would you want your adult child to say about this?
- 12. Protecting children from conflict • Reassure children that mum and dad will make everything okay, and work out any problems • Talk with your ex-partner about managing conflict • Keep conflict, heated, legal and parenting discussion away from children • Practice how to speak to your children about their mum/dad
- 13. Seek support for yourself • Take care of yourself – eat well, sleep well, exercise. • Enlist someone to help you immediately following separation when your functioning can be most impaired • Be a role model - children need to see you managing the separation in a positive way • Do not seek support from your children
- 14. Attachment • Children do not choose to love their parents • Children’s attachment to their parents defines how secure they feel in the world • Separation disrupts the attachment system • If you consciously try to hurt your ex-partner, you’re hurting your children • It’s best if children maintain secure attachment to both parents
- 15. Protect your children’s attachments • Facilitate their relationship with the other parent: • Speak positively about them • Don’t be overly emotional or reactive about them • Make arrangements and encourage children to spend time with them • Consider the children’s time with the other parent with the highest importance • Respect the privacy of children’s relationship and time with the other parent • Be inclusive of the other parent
- 16. Maintain security and routine • Display to your child that you’re secure and in control of your world and their world • Maintain routine and prepare children for new routines • Provide reassurance • Let children know what will and won’t change • Do not increase their responsibilities • But do not give them free passes either
- 17. Managing children’s behaviour after separation • Set limits as you normally would • Recognise they might show behavioral difficulties • Display empathy, attention, and respect or EAR • Develop solutions • Don’t compensate with toys, treats and freedoms • Give children your time, understanding and special memories
- 18. Time with both parents • Immediately following separation get short term parenting arrangements (two months) • Stick to the arrangements as much as possible • Be flexible with your children and the other parent • Model being positive, flexible and mature • Put children’s needs about your own needs, wants and fears.
- 19. Gatekeeping • You stand guard to protect your child from harm. • You have the power to close the gate in response to danger • You have the power to open the gate to expose your child to situations that enhance their development and bring them joy • What kind of gatekeeper will you be in your co-parenting relationship?
- 20. What kind of gatekeeper will you be? • Facilitative gatekeeper – opens the gate • Protective gatekeeper – closes the gate when there is a genuine risk of harm • Restrictive gatekeeper – keeps the gate padlocked • Be a facilitative and protective gatekeeper • Know the difference between protective and restrictive
- 21. Change the way you think about losing time with your children • Were you happy with your relationship with your children before separation? Why/ why not? • How might you be able to organize parenting arrangements that can improve your relationship with your children? (focus on quality, not quantity) • What activities did you enjoy doing with your children? What activities did they enjoy with you?
- 22. Change the way you think about losing time with your children • How can you work parenting arrangements so you can still do the important activities? • Were you happy with the time you had to yourself before separation? • Can less time with your children mean more “you time”? How would you use this time?
- 23. Keep and eye on • School performance and attendance • Eating/appetite • Sleep • Social interaction and peer groups
- 24. Top 5 Tips for Supporting Children 1. Protect your children from conflict 2. Provide your children with a sense of security and reassurance by modeling appropriate coping 3. Emphasize the continued family unit 4. Be a facilitative and protective gatekeeper 5. Help children manage their grief and manage their behaviour using EAR
Notas del editor
- World view is basically the overall perspective through which they interpret the world. Its influenced by their beliefs, ideas, experiences. World view helps children feel secure and for young children is often centered around mum & dad and the family unit, young children understand the world through the family. Family is the most important domain for children up until about age 8 or 9, so separation is also a falling apart and loss of their social network. They won’t have strong social connections outside of the family like adults do. When their world view is shaken by separation they can lose their sense of security.
- Reintegration with children is acceptance of the separation. Acceptance that mum and dad have separated and this is now part of their worldview. Getting used to their new routine. Same stages as adults but they will manifest differently. Can move between stages. Is not a step by step process.
- Reactions will different depending on children’s age and maturity. There are some common ones
- Lack of intimacy – usually immediately following separation and towards with the parent who they don’t live with. Because children have seen the parents as a unit they might not know how to interact independently with each parent. Trouble eating/sleeping – more apparent in young children because parents are more aware of this but it can be present for teenagers and not noticed. Playing parents off against each other – this can be saying they choose the one parent over the other. Teenagers particularly are already experimenting with choice and independence. Separation can be seen as just one more opportunity to display their independence. Don’t Panic - These reactions are normal and transitory so don’t panic about them. They can be present for months and they can last up to 1 or 2 years. Behaviour still needs to be managed.
- Teenagers – can reason, think through problems, challenge their own unproductive thoughts/beliefs, manage negative emotions. – they will still need support. 8 to 12 – can do this but tend to look for more concrete solutions (siding with whichever parent has care of them at the time). Under age 8 – they don’t have great ability to challenge thoughts or label emotions. Will tend to recognize when they are mad, bad, or sad. Will need help managing their emotions.
- Develop emotional vocabulary by reading stories and paying attention to characters faces. Point this out and talk with children about how the character is feeling (this encourages empathy development also) Look for any apps for kids ”when I’m feeling…” books probably suitable for up to age 2 – 7 Talk with children about how different emotions feel in their body (hot and breathing heavy when angry, sick in the tummy when anxious, hot in the face when embarrassed) and ask them how they feel for different emotions. Draw pictures with different colours to represent different physical feelings and have them colour in the body parts green = sick colour in their tummy for anxious. Put up a feelings chart with pictures of different emotions with an indicator they can move around to show how they feel. Journal (teenagers) – teach them how and encourage journaling about positive things as well. Allow children to keep this private. Teenagers – art form of talent, paintings, writing plays or stories Help children develop options about who they can talk to or go to for help – (teacher, school counsellor, best friend for teenagers, family member or friend). Come up with a list and revisit this from time to time.
- 1 in 3 families will separate (conservative estimate). So separation is pretty common but still viewed as something strange, negative and rare. You want to send the message that separation is sad, but it’s okay. The world is not going to end (even if you feel like it has). Separation is not the end of the family – your co-parenting relationship with your ex-partner is for life. Emphasize this for children – that mum/dad is still family and the family isn’t gone it’s just different It might be hard for you to think about but separation probably means that the family will grow (particularly for your child) – addition of friends and extended family offering support and becoming a more prominent part of your lives New partner and half/step siblings Your ex’s new partner and half/step siblings There is no need to tell children about this, it might worry them, if it’s not happening then they don’t need to be worrying about it. But emphasizing the family unit lays the foundation for these longer-term possibilities and potential changes.
- Research by the Australian Institute of Family Studies shows that the reason children show poor outcomes in the short and long term after separation isn’t separation itself but the conflict they are exposed to. Conflict causes the dissolution of quality parent-child interactions and parenting arrangements which is damaging to children’s attachment systems. Children can cope with parents who don’t love each other but not with parents who don’t respect each other and hate each other Respect your ex-partner. If you don’t get professional support to develop some communication skills you can use with them. Also important to do this if your ex-partner doesn’t respect you. At some point in your life you’ve probably had to work with someone you don’t get along with or don’t respect. Most of us manage to do this well I a work environment. You now have a joint position as co-parent with your ex-partner. If you can’t manage to still think of them as your family think of them as your colleague in parenting that you’re going to have to find a way to work with. Plus children are perceptive. If you really hate someone, they’ll pick up on it. So if you have deep feelings of hate, anger or bitterness towards your ex-partner speak to a professional to try and change this. A point to help you manage your behaviour and conflict is to remember that your children will grow up. If you or your ex-partner have not behaved well towards each other eventually your children are going to realise that. Ask yourself, “what would I want my adult child to say about how I managed this situation?”
- Because children have seen parents as a unit, remain consistent with the idea of family. Reassure children that mum and dad will still work together. After your immediate grief subside, talk with your ex-partner about how you will manage conflict and disagreements and how you both plan to protect the children from it. Keep parenting discussions away from children – If your children are old enough or clued in enough and they hear you disagreeing about parenting (which you inevitably will), they’ll learn to use this. They’ll ask dad to change rules they know he doesn’t really agree with, or ask mum to let them go somewhere that dad has said no to. Children do this when their parents aren’t separated they hedge their bets. Practice how to speak to your children about the other parent – “what did you do at mum or dad’s? That sounds fun.” Speak in a similar way when you ask about their day at school.
- Be a role model – this helps your children feel secure within their shaken worldview. This is when kids need you to step up, which can be difficult Get help – if you aren’t functioning and your parenting is impaired seek professional support Do not seek support from your children – even if they seem to want to offer it or overtly offer it, particularly from teenagers.
- Children do not choose to love their parents or to need their parents’ love. They are born this way. So all of the hurtful things your ex-partner has done may have affected how much you love them, but not how much your children love them. Note: this is still true for situations of violence and abuse. Children can still love and be attached to an abusive parent. Seek some more specific advice about your situation when there has been violence or abuse. A child’s attachment system begins forming when they are very young Hurts your children because they are attached to their parents Children need a secure attachment to AT LEAST one parent, preferably both
- Consider time with the other parent with the highest importance – Being mindful and avoiding things like scheduling a family gathering on a day the children should be with the other parent. Plus bigger decisions like deciding to move a significant distance from the other parent, or move interstate/overseas. Be inclusive – for special days like birthdays and Christmas, school functions, holidays and special events, important life transitions (conversations about puberty, first day of school)
- Maintain routine - Keep things the way they were before separation (children’s residence, school, extracurricular activities). Children need to know that their world is predictable Prepare your children for changes and new routines – give them a calendar with different sticker to indicate the days they are with each parent. If they are upset about the absent parent reassure them they will be seeing mum/dad in X amount of day and show them the calendar. Count with them. This reassures them that they have not been abandoned. Note: for children who actually have been abandoned (they never see the other parent and the other parent shows no interest in seeing them) – refrain from speaking negatively about the absent parent. Stay neutral and along the lines of “I know it’s upsetting that mum/dad isn’t around. We both love you and I’m here to take care of you”. What will and won’t change – give them information about where they will live, when they will spend time with each parent, if they’ll change schools. Reassure them that the details will be worked out by mum and dad. Children may worry about specific times like birthday’s and Christmas. Reassure them that they will have time to celebrate with each parent. Don’t increase responsibility – giving more chores, asking older children to babysit younger siblings – because your ex-partner is not there to help with these things. Rely on other adults for help and support. Keep their responsibilities as the same level as they were prior to separation. Don’t give free passes – allowing them to skip school, cease activities, get away with bad behaviour. – manage your feelings of guilt. Don’t let them affect how you parent.
- When people are emotional the fight/flight part of their brain is engaged and it is looking for the quickest way out of a problem. This means that people don’t reason well when they’re upset. Children in particular can respond with maladaptive behaviours like hitting, withdrawing, using drugs and alcohol (teenagers), identifying with an inappropriate peer group to feel accepted. In response to maladaptive behaviours display EAR then develop solutions Empathy – I statements. “I understand you’re feeling worried”. Although with teenagers the lead in I understand can get the reaction of “you don’t understand me”. Instead you can use “I can see/ hear/ imagine you’re feeling worried” or “it sounds like/ looks like/ seems like you’re feeling worried”. Attention – Let them know you’re paying attention to what they say by paraphrasing. So in response to a child who gives you a long story about worrying about Christmas… “so you’re worried that mum/dad won’t be with you on Christmas morning and that’s making you feel sad”. Paraphrasing is a brief statement putting what they’ve said into your words more succinctly to let them know you’ve heard them. Respect – reassuring children that all of their different feelings are okay and valid. So with the same example follow with, “It’s normal to want to see mum/dad at Christmas, and I can see why this is upsetting”. Follow EAR with developing solutions by thinking through the options – with young children this is more focusing on what will make them feel better in the moment, “would it help if I gave you a cuddle, gave mum/dad a call”. With older children they might be immediate “feel better solutions” and more long term so with teenagers, asking them how they would like to spend Christmas and letting them come up with a plan for it. You will need to come up with the options for young children, the older they get the more they can contribute to developing solutions. Don’t try to compensate for the separation – by giving more toys, treats, freedoms to make up for the absence of a parent, to make up for the fact that you don’t see them as much, or the separation in general. But do give children your time, understanding, and special memorable experiences – like a nice day out every once and a while.
- Immediately following separation - do not let children go a long time without seeing both parents. Once there are more solid parenting arrangements – have the routine but be flexible (with children and your ex-partner). Stick to the arrangements as much as possible, but things come up (other children’s birthday parties, emergency calls into work) Rigid adherence to parenting arrangements is impractical and causes conflict and stress Model being flexible – This will keep stress to a minimum for your kids and they’ll replicate this. They’ll also learn to be flexible and apply that skill throughout their life. Place your children’s needs about your own needs, wants and fears (anxiety about them not being with you). This involves recognizing that your aren’t a mind reader and don’t what your child is thinking. So not projecting your thoughts, feelings and beliefs onto your child. Also involves allowing your children to be separate physically and emotionally. It’s okay for them not to think how you think or feel how you feel.
- Facilitative – opens the gate so children can maintain their attachment to the other parent Encourages and supports the children’s relationship with the other parent Means making sure the children have significant time with both parent (enough time for them to have a healthy and happy relationship with both of you) Protective – Appropriately protects children when there is a genuine risk of harm to children when in the other parent’s care (violent, abusive, or chaotic) Puts protective limits on the time the other parent spends with the children (might be supervised, no overnights) Restrictive – Worries that any contact with the other parent will be harmful to the children or any separation from them will be harmful, so they minimise contact with the other parent They worry about this without any real evidence Tend overreact and be anxious e.g, a child comes home from contact with the other parent mildly sunburnt so they greatly restrict the others parents time with the children and send the other parent an abusive text about it You want to be a facilitative and protective gatekeeper. The trick is the distinguish between protective and restrictive. A clue is if you worry about the fact that when the children see the other parent, you won’t be there to know how they’re being cared for, or to monitor the other parent. Even if in the past you’ve had no need to monitor the other parent. So a lot of the worry is just around the fact that you won’t be with your children. This can make it feel like there is a real threat of harm and you need to protect the children, when in reality you don’t. If you find yourself doing this, seek professional support to manage your anxiety Another common situation that causes restrictive gatekeeping When immediately following separation, children become very upset when going to visit the other parent, so you don’t make them go. Or when children return from time with the other parent and are badly behaved. This seems logical. You don’t want to make children upset or have disruptive children, you believe that the time with the other parent is upsetting them or causing them to behave badly, so you restrict it to protect them. This is easy to do if deep down you don’t want your children to see your ex-partner But, if your child got very upset about going to school, you wouldn’t let them permanently stay home. Or if they came home from school behaving badly you wouldn’t automatically assume that their teacher was responsible for this. Not wanting to leave a parent (particularly when they’ve been the primary caregiver) is normal. Particularly if children haven’t seen the other parent in a while (a while can mean a week for young kids). Behavioural disruption following separation is also normal. When children get upset about time with the other parent, use EAR, but encourage them to go. Persist with this, it might take children a while to get used to the change of moving between households.
- Whether you have primary or not, or had it before separation, you feel loss in relation to time with your children, even just a loss of the opportunity to spend time with them. Try to use the changes in your parenting arrangements positively. Use it as a chance to think about what kind of relationship you want with your children, what are the important things that bring about that relationship, how can you make sure you’re getting those things. Some questions to ask yourself and think about…
- Try to focus on how both parents can achieve quality time with the children as opposed to quantity of time. Quality time should mean more than just having them for fun theme park weekends or holidays. It’s the quality day to day activities like helping with homework, bedtime routine. All of the little things that are important for you to have during your time with your children. Then focusing on all of the possibilities of what you could do with time to yourself
- All of these things can be affected in the very normal grief process. But jut because they are normal doesn’t mean that they’re healthy and children may need some help coping. Look for any significant problems in these domains and seek support for your children.