Trauma Bonding is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. Is created due to a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement After each circumstance of abuse, the abuser professes love, regret, and trying to make the relationship feel safe and needed for the abused person. Hence Abused Finds leaving an abusive situation confusing and overwhelming Involves positive and/or loving feelings for an abuser Also feel attached to and dependent on their abuser.

1. Trauma Bonding
Ref-Ariane Resnick, CNC of November 23, 2022,Psychology Today
Compiled by Col Mukteshwar Prasad(Retd),
MTech(IITD),CE(I),FIE(I),FIETE,FISLE,FInstOD,AMCSI
Contact -9007224278, e-mail – muktesh_prasad@yahoo.co.in
for book ”Decoding Services Selection Board” and SSB ON line guidance and training
at Shivnandani Edu and Defence Academy

2. Story 1
 Lakhit was unfortunate that his mother died just 3 days after birth. His father being an IIT graduate and high Govt
official had no option but to send newly born son to his Bhabhi (Wife of his elder step brother). Unfortunately she had
her two sons and a daughter to be looked after. All three children were quite elder to him ,with sister at least 8 years elder.
Well she did best as primary care giver and young Lakhit also had motherly feeling towards her. He would not even allow
his elder sister to come near her. She nurtured him till he was 6 years old . Lakhit’s elder brother (born in London) was left
with Nana Nani in Bihar as the Family wanted to come back to India.
 His Father in between re married within one year of tragedy. They had a daughter from second marriage . Lakhit came back
to his Father at the age of 6 years and had to live with 1 ½ years old step sister. For caring his Father had brought his
younger Sister who looked after Lakhit . In reality except for basic needs he was dependant on his Bua(Father Sister) and
still regarded his aunty(First Caregiver) as his mother. A box belonging to his aunty was kept to remind him that she has
gone out for sometime and will be back .
 Found difficulty in adjusting to school for being talkative, disturbing and slow in uptake. It is presumed that he came to
know about full episode when he was in 8th but officially he was informed about whole story when he was in 10th. Naturally
he reacted for keeping him in dark till date and ultimately wanted to join Air Force to become martyr for the nation. By luck
or design he joined Navy through NDA, which was certainly a great achievement. But the lack/absence of caregiver as a
child would and had its own impact
 Two brothers met only during vacations
 Primary caregiver relationship
 (Parents were unavailable during infancy. Hence needs were never regularly met . Distanced himself emotionally .
This built a foundation of avoiding intimacy and craving independence in later life—even when in that
independence lack of intimacy caused its own distress.)

3. Story 1…Part 2
 Lakhit’s elder brother after doing his CA and after his marriage went on to UK as he was born in London. Lakhit never
wanted to be married ,but under pressure from parent’s got married Subhashit ,only daughter of their parents. She was
nurtured well with all positive quality of a girl. She herself was very choosy and wanted to get married to a Naval Officer
only. Parent's did not know about step mother earlier and came to know just few days before marriage. Her mother had
some premonition and wanted to avoid even in last moment. A grand marriage ,probably one of the best.
 Newly wed hardly stayed with in laws as their house was one bed room house. Besides mother in law started showing
colour and stated traumatising slowly. Sister had gone to US for higher study . Lakhit also stated emotional abuse. In this
father in law ,mother in law ,elder brother and even Sister started Criticizing, Embarrassing , Shaming and blaming her. She
was isolated and was not involved in any decisions and even talks but expected her to look after them at all cost. One fine
Subhashit’s father was informed that Lakhit be remarried as she did not have any child. She had abortion earlier and due to
lack of medical help her fallopian tubes were blocked. She tried IVF which was not successful and in turn due to tube
pregnancy one tube had to be removed. As a result pregnancy was rather impossible . Yet God’s grace She was blessed
with a daughter. In between her Father in law expired while undergoing operation . Lakhit and his step mother blamed
Subhashit for ills and left no opportunity to blame and shame. Abuse in all forms continues till date . God can only help
her . She has become strong now and has started asserting and undertaking responsibilities to the extent possible and has
started calling a spade a spade. But the price paid is much higher .World is a continuous school and we keep learning
lessons. Her Parents are dying a death everyday and blaming themselves for all ills.

4. Story 1…Part -3 (Trauma Bonding)
Subhashit never got the respect or importance as Bahu of the family. She just stayed for few days
with their in laws in their one room apartment and moved to official house of her husband
 Mother in law and Father in law kept taunting ,Criticizing, Embarrassing , Shaming and blaming her.
 Was isolated ,not involved in any decisions but expected to be cared and looked after like a VIP.
Lakhit became more and more rigid and probably because he owed his life to their parents after death of his
mother . Trauma of ideal care giver made him psychologically imbalanced as he said he married only for his
parents. He kept moving from one extreme to another like Bipolar Disorder (Trace at least ) and Dark Triad of being
Psychopathy (Callousness, Impulsivity, and Enduring antisocial and bold behavior,no feelings for others ,no
remorse ,having many relationship and even aggressive)
Attempt to remarry ,almost no relation of husband and wife.
 ‘Trauma’ because her —being rejected, abused, abandoned, disdained, etc— is debilitating and scary since Wfe
and Bhahu depend on her husband and in laws to survive, and ‘Bonded’ because she is not complaining to police
or seeking separation because of illusion of Hindu’s good marriage concept “ Larki ki doli aati hai aur ant me
arthi nikalti hai” or the sense bringing disrepute to both families and being talk of town .
 She keeps tolerating these trauma for
Unable to take decision of divorce or even separation for Societal Blame ,Fear of future, fear of affect on her
only daughter (Lack of Father), feelings of her Father and mother and the culture.
She stuck in the rut

5. Experiencing Trauma Bond
 You feel shit about yourself but you don’t know why - because objectively you are smart, altruistic, and a
hard worker - but they never thought so.
 Sill think you did things differently - shared more or poured your heart out or were more convincing
of your value - then they would still be with you or would have treated you better.
 You think of adapting to them or adopting their habits/hobbies/interests to “get them back”
 Still think of your intimate moments - despite demeaning/malicious talk and treatment to you
 Sometimes you think they regret (they don’t and never did).
 You think of any possible way to get close to them.
 You fear being labeled by them, by their lies. You wonder what they are telling people about you. More
importantly, you wonder if what they are saying is true.
 You walk around with a heavy and painful weight in your throat and chest - especially when you think
about never seeing them or speaking to them again.
 You still think that somehow or in some way in which you could never understand that you deserved it -
and you didn’t

6. Introduction
 Trauma Bonding is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in
a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse.
 Is created due to a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement
After each circumstance of abuse, the abuser professes love, regret, and trying to
make the relationship feel safe and needed for the abused person.
 Hence Abused
Finds leaving an abusive situation confusing and overwhelming
Involves positive and/or loving feelings for an abuser
Also feel attached to and dependent on their abuser.

7. History of Trauma Bonding
 The term trauma bonding was coined by Patrick Carnes in 1997 in a presentation called
"Trauma Bonds, Why People Bond To Those That Hurt Them."
 He defined trauma bonding(one of nine possible reactions to a traumatic situation) as
"dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation"
 He surmised that trauma bonding occurs due to the way our brains handle trauma based
on the manners in which we must adapt to survive.
 Two most important aspects of trauma are
How people respond to its severity and
How long it continues
 Therapists often focus on
 How victims can break trauma bonds and
 Not to feel shame or guilt over how we react to a potentially life-threatening situation.

8. Signs & Symptoms of Trauma Bonding
 Not all abusive situations result in trauma bonding. Sign may be
 An abuse victim
Covers up or makes excuses to others for an abuser's behaviour
Lies to friends or family about the abuse
Doesn't feel comfortable with or able to leave the abusive situation
Thinks the abuse is their fault
Continues to trust the abuser
 Abuser
Follows a cycle (i.e. tries to make up for an abusive incident)
Promises they'll change but they never do
Controls the victim (i.e., manipulation or gaslighting)
Isolates the victim from friends and family
Gets friends and family on their side

9. Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding
 Love bombing
 Gaining trust
 Criticism
 Manipulation
 Resignation
 Distress
 Repetition
 Love Bombing
 Overwhelms victim with grand displays of affection
 Sending extravagant bouquets of flowers or costly gifts for sometime initially
 Showering love early on in the relationship.
 Narcissists and sociopaths may engage in love bombing to gain victim’s trust
 Gaining Trust
 May perform specific actions in order to be considered trustworthy
 Get offended if victims doubt their trustworthiness

10. Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding…..
 Criticizing the Victim
 Criticizes the victim to the point where the victim even blames themselves.
 Victim may believe that they deserve the criticism in spite of doing nothing wrong
 Manipulating the Victim
 Defend their own behaviour by manipulating their victims.
 If countered ,try to speak out against unfair treatment and might gaslight them by saying,
 "You're imagining it," or
 "You're exaggerating."
 May even convince the victim that the abuse is normal
 Resignation
 “Fawn response or people pleasing ” to trauma by victim after repeated incidents of abuse
 Often resigns to going along with the abusive behaviour.
 They acquiesce to what the abuser wants

11. Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding…..
 Psychological Distress
 A victim experiences severe psychological distress due to abuse and may experience
 Emotional numbness
 Feeling as though they've lost who they are
 Withdrawing from people and activities, and
 Even suicidal ideation.
 The Cycle Repeats
 Cycle of abuse is characterized by its repetition
 After an abusive incident then trauma bonding / love bombing to regain trust of victim
 Victim may make excuses for the abuser's behaviour
 Seems returning to "normal," until another incident of abuse occurs
 Though difficult cycle of abuse can be broken by
 Ending abusive relationships and
 Finding safety in healthy relationships.

12. Causes of Trauma Bonding (Bond a survivor of abuse feels toward the person perpetrating the abuse)
 Can occur in any situation of abuse long or short
 Combination of abuse and positive reinforcement that creates the trauma bond
 It can occur in many types of abusive situations with emotional attachments being common
 Trauma bonds are nothing to be ashamed of, as they result from our brains looking for
survival methods referred to as paradoxical attachment
 Some common situations are :
 Domestic abuse
 Incest
 Kidnapping
 Sexual abuse
 Cults
 Elder abuse
 Human trafficking
 The bond forms out of the basic human need for attachment as a means of survival

13. Miscellaneous
 Risk Factors for Trauma Bonding
 Susceptibility to trauma bonding increases
 Attachment insecurity
 Childhood maltreatment
 Exposure to abusive relationships growing up
 Lack of social support
 Low self-esteem
 Impact of Trauma Bonding
 Positive feelings developed for an abuser can lead a person to stay in an abusive situation which
can lead to continued abuse at best, and death at worst
 Even after separation may experience continued trauma to low self-esteem
 After-effects of trauma bonding can include depression and anxiety and even intergenerational
cycle of abuse

14. How to Break The Bond
 Prioritise to get past the trauma bond and get out
 Plan for Safety
 If currently in an abusive situation, leave after creating safety plan and seek support from loved
ones or Govt Institutions or NGOs
 Therapy (Trauma Therapy is top choice)
 Therapy can help move through the complex and difficult emotions and making different choices
in the future.
 Can help see warning signs of abuse to avoid ending up in an abusive situation again.
 Positive Self-Talk and Care
 Speaking kindly to yourself and doing your best to believe that the abusive situation wasn't your
fault are helpful tools to break your bond from your abuser(s).
 Being kind to yourself through acts of self-care can also facilitate healing.

15. How to Break The Bond
 Support and Peer Groups
 Communing with others having similar experience can be very helpful
 It can help you feel less alone and make you feel less shame for having been abused.
 May consider sharing experience with people you are close to and whom you trust
 Trauma bonding is a human emotional response, not a character flaw, and can occur to anyone.
 Disclosing experience may provide a sense of relief
 Conclusion
 There is nothing to be ashamed or feeling guilty of having experienced trauma bonding.
 It's a natural response to trauma
 Help yourself by speaking about your trauma bond with
 Mental health professional,
 Support group
 Trusted loved ones