Observations from someone who's seen it all and paid some attention. Be sure to remember the whole thing is sarcasm. Some think it's not!!!!

1. How to Run Your Business (Into the Ground) – Part 1
At my age, it seems time to go ahead and say what I think. My
thoughts are not meant to call anyone out; they are the result of
65 years of watching what’s going on. I firmly believe many
businesses inflict practices upon themselves that hamstring their
potential. It’s like they tie one hand behind their backs and it
creates a drag on the whole economy. Here’s what I’m suggesting
for businesses, including non-profits and really any organization.
So there’s no misunderstanding, this is sarcasm. If you’re unsure
of exactly what that means, better Google it.

2. Tip 1
Use acronyms every chance you get in all your
communications, especially with promotional materials
targeted to prospects. This creates a sense of curiosity, a
game if you will, and people like games, so trying to figure
out what you’re talking about with your sets of initials will
be highly entertaining for prospects, not to mention
customers.

3. Tip 2
Don’t forget this is sarcasm. Using acronyms in copy is
approved by journalism authorities after first spelling it
out, so it must be the correct thing to do. It certainly
doesn’t matter if people have to keep going back to the
beginning of your piece to remember what your
acronyms mean. This improves comprehension by
repetition. And of course people are definitely into
doing a lot of reading these days. And most folks are
infinitely patient in recent days.

4. Tip 3
Again…sarcasm. Make sure your name is meaningless.
After all, what’s in a name anyway? Let people
imagine what it might mean and then try to connect it
to anything they care about. Nice mind game and,
again, people like games.

5. Tip 4
Be sure to be as clever as possible with your name so
people are curious about what it might mean or what
you do exactly...more importantly what you might do for
them. After all, having a name that is descriptive but
dull, while it will tell people what you do, takes all the
fun out of it.

6. Tip 5
If by chance your name explains what you do, as soon as
possible turn your name into an acronym. After all, IBM
is highly successful so there’s no question you’ll be
successful if you follow their lead. By the way, what
does IBM stand for?

7. Tip 6
Don’t be concerned if prospects get the impression
from your use of acronyms that you are arrogant,
exclusionary, special because you have the “code” and
they don’t, uninterested in them by making it hard for
them to understand you, and several other problems
you create. Or maybe they’ll think you’re just too lazy
to spell things out. That’s all helpful in establishing a
productive business relationship.

8. Tip 7
Since almost everyone uses acronyms, you should, too.
The key to success is to follow the herd. Be sure to
communicate as you would with Twitter. OMG, u’ll b so
cool. Even if your customers can’t figure out your
gibberish you’ll still be so cool.

9. Tip 8
Use plenty of jargon in your customer communications.
It makes you look really smart. And include plenty of
the latest lingo being used by the young. It makes you
look like you’re with it. So what if the most important
thing is to be understandable and clear with your
communications. Doesn’t matter if your customers
aren’t as up on the latest stupid jargon as you are.

10. Tip 9
Be sure to make the first person to greet someone who
contacts your company for the first time is your lowest
paid employee. Their role is very secondary versus
yours, for example. A receptionist or a telephone
operator are menials at best. And certainly don’t waste
money training them on how to do their jobs. So what
if this person is the only one who can make the all-important
first impression on a potential customer?

11. Tip 10
Better yet, let an automated voice system be a new
prospect’s first contact. And make sure it has
plenty of options because you never know why
people might be calling. This is especially
impressive if you are a small company because
people will assume you must be big to be stupid
enough to do this.

12. Tip 11
Another great money saving technique is robo
calls. Why waste money using live callers when you
can have a robot do it for pennies? Gee, I wonder
how many people hang up immediately when they
realize there’s no one there? Plus, maybe they’ll
stay on long enough to figure out who the fool is
who’s behind the call.

13. Tip 12
Don’t bother to consult the menials who actually
use your equipment when making buying
decisions on replacing it. They lack the know-how
and mental capacity to make these kinds of
important choices. You, of course, know best
what they need. Don’t blame them when your
choice turns out to be totally impractical and
unusable.

14. Tip 13
Hire customer service people from overseas in order
to save money. A good percentage of your customers
will probably leave you since they can’t understand
much of what these people are saying, but you’ll
continue saving money until you’re out of business
over it.

15. Tip 14
Another good way to cut expenses is to unload your
older, higher salaried employees and replace them
with young kids at much lower salaries. Who needs
all that accumulated wisdom you’ll be unloading?
Plus you’ll be going a great service to the young kids
by letting them screw up so they can get as smart
and experienced in several years as the old folks you
canned.

16. Tip 15
Make money the key to your business success. After
all, that’s what life is all about, right? And, of course,
money drives people to do good work. So be sure to
make all your motivational techniques revolve around
money. And also make sure your motivational
techniques are based on punishment, rather than
reward.

17. Tip 16
In fact, make sure money is a major part of your vision
statement so everyone knows how crucial it is to you.
That way, their focus will be on that, even though it
will be at the expense of any thought about customer
service.

18. Tip 17
Be sure your vision statement is highly detailed so
everything is covered. Don’t worry if no one can
remember it when they are under stress, so they’ll
know what matters when the chips are down. Those
vision statements are mainly good for impressing
potential investors anyway.

19. Tip 18
Ignore all the nonsense about differences between the
generations in the workplace. They’ll just have to learn
to get along or they can hit the highway. Besides, you’ll
find it a lot of fun to witness the disagreements,
arguments and resentments fester.

20. Tip 19
Treat everyone the same and hold them to rigid rules.
Fairness uber alles. Eventually only those who like
your one-size-fits-all approach will be in your
workforce.

21. Tip 20
Never give employees the highest marks in their
evaluations no matter how good a job they do. Gives
them something to aspire to so they’ll try all the
harder. Ignore the reality that many of them will say
the hell with it, there’s no pleasing the boss, so why
bother to do my best work.

22. Tip 21
Place top priority on profit and squeeze every last
dime you can out of both employees and
customers. You owe this to your investors. Who
cares about the turnover you’ll generate.

23. Tip 22
In your marketing strategy, focus on a one-size fits all
approach. This will be the most efficient way to go
and will save you a lot of money on advertising.
While you’ll miss a lot of targets by failing to focus on
the wants and needs of different segments of the
market, saving money makes it worth it.

24. Tip 23
Rely on your gut to make all your important
business decisions. After all, who knows your
business better than you? Just because your
customers have the money you’d like them to give
to you is no reason to pay attention to what they
want.

25. Tip 24
If you decide marketing research might be a smarter
way to go than relying on your gut, just use Survey
Monkey or some other cheap method to do it. That
stuff about random sampling is just academic
nonsense. Same thing with low response rates and
non-response bias. Doesn’t really matter if your
results are accurate. Marketing research is mostly
done to be able to say you did it.

26. Tip 25
Certainly don’t waste your money on advertising. If your
organization is good enough at what you do, obviously
those who need what you’re selling will come to you.
People are plenty smart and are very well aware of what’s
out there in the big old world. Anyway because people
are exposed to hundreds of ads daily doesn’t mean they’d
see yours anyway. So why bother? Just because no one
ever heard of you doesn’t mean you can’t do good
business.

27. Tip 26
If you do advertise, make sure you include everything
you possibly can in your ads. There’ll probably
something that’ll catch your prospect’s eye. Don’t
worry if they are overwhelmed by the quantity of
stuff in your ad and have trouble distinguishing your
cluttered ad from all the other over-cluttered ads out
there.