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Goal Setting for the Already Awesome
- 1. GOAL SETTING FOR THE ALREADY AWESOME AKA: HOW CAN I MOVE TOWARDS MY GOALS AND STILL LOVE WHAT I DO?
- 2. DISCLOSURE • The information I’m about to share is for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. • I am a Registered Psychologist, but I am not your personal psychologist, meaning our meeting today doesn’t create a therapeutic relationship. This means the information is general and not specific to you. • I do not represent any other organization or affiliation during this presentation.
- 3. KEY POINTS FOR TODAY: • The three brains and how it impacts reaching goals/performance • Enjoyment of the sport, including: • Wise mind • Acceptance • Resilience • Motivation • What is your why? • Realistic goal setting, including: • Long term and short term goals • Resetting/changing paths, goals or supports if needed
- 4. COMPONENTS OF SPORTS PSYCHOLOGY • Relaxation Training • Visualization Training • Positive Self Talk • Goal Setting – Today’s focus • Cockle, S. (2018, March). Applied sport psychology: Performance on demand. Presented by the Psychologists’ Association of Alberta, Edmonton, AB.
- 5. THE THREE BRAINS • The Hand Model of the Brain by Dan Siegel • Wrist = spinal cord • Palm = reptilian brain: basic functions/no language/body brain • Thumb folded in = limbic system: emotional centre/responds to 5 senses/no language/besties with reptilian brain • Fingers folded over all = frontal lobe: youngest part of the brain/language and regulation • Communicate with each other through chemicals; frontal lobe responds up to 3 seconds slower to environmental stimuli • Flipping lid – no thought/just action • Siegel, D. (August 9, 2017). The hand model of the brain (Video file). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-m2YcdMdFw
- 6. WISE MIND This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND Reasonabl e Mind Wise Mind Emotional Mind Vaughn, S. (2016, December). Dialectical behavior therapy. Presented by PESI at https://catalog.pesi.com/sales/bh_001238_advanced_dbt_organic-22467
- 7. ACCEPTANCE • “Acceptance is the ultimate paradox – we cannot change who we are until we accept ourselves the way we are” ~ Melody Beattie. • Acknowledging reality instead of “should”, “would”, “musts”, etc. • Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more. Center City, MN: Hazelden
- 8. LAYING IT OUT ON THE TABLE Other facts: - Risk of injury increases as I get older - Risk of disease increases as I get older - No amount of wishing, shoulds, coulds, musts, etc. changes the situation - So what possible choices/actions can I take based on my reality? - Think about this as we go through the rest of the presentation. (Hint: Consider mindset, emotion, AND physical factors)
- 9. RESILIENCE • Consists of: • Mindset • Personal control • Commitment
- 10. MINDSET • Has to be regulated to use the strategies (remember the three brains?) • A resilient mindset thinks that: • Issues are only setbacks and opportunities to learn/challenges • Issues are impermanent (they don’t last forever) • The future is positive/has potential • You can be kind to yourself (empathy and compassion for yourself) • You are NOT a victim (you have some sort of control/stuff doesn’t just happen to you)
- 11. PERSONAL CONTROL • The way you view the control you do have • AKA Self-efficacy – belief you have the skills and ability to solve a problem • The way this is exercised: • You only accept responsibility for YOUR stuff – you don’t play the victim or take responsibility because of someone else’s reactions • You focus on what you have control over and what you don’t • You don’t believe it’s a pervasive problem (you don’t allow it to apply to other life areas)
- 12. STRATEGIES FOR PERSONAL CONTROL • Positive Psychology (Disputations – Seligman) • “The Meanest Thing To Say” – Bill Cosby • “Whose problem is it” – Decision Making Tree
- 13. DISPUTATIONS • Evidence • What proof do I have? • Alternatives • What other reason may there be? • Implications • What’s the worst thing that could happen if this were true? • Usefulness • Is this helping me reach my goals? Seligman, M. (2006). Learned optimism: How to change your mind and your life. New York, NY: Vintage Press.
- 15. THE MEANEST THING TO SAY • Bill Cosby book for children • The point is, instead of saying something mean, you respond with “So?” Figure 1. Meanest thing to say. From https://books.google.ca/books/about/The_Meanest_Thin g_to_Say.html?id=BCaaNgAACAAJ&source=kp_cover&r edir_esc=y Cosby, B. (1997). The meanest thing to say. New York, NY: Scholastic Inc.
- 16. WHOSE PROBLEM IS IT?
- 17. COMMITMENT • Includes the goal setting and the why • Both relate to motivation
- 18. MOTIVATION • Need to be able to reflect, examine, and understand your needs • Break the bigger goals down into chunks (chunking) • Newton’s Law of Inertia: An object stays at rest unless something forces it to move and, once in motion, it will stay in motion unless something causes it to stop • Basically, once you get moving, easier to keep with it. Easier to start small – less effort • Relates to mindset – think it’s about motivation or willpower, but actually about priority • Need to know your “why”
- 19. THE “WHY” • Helpful if it is process based NOT outcome based • Focused on the how of it than what the result is • Helpful if it relates to your values (personal qualities) • Involves the mind, emotions, and our physical nature • Simon Sinek uses the Golden Circle to help with this Sinek, S. (2019). Start with why. Retrieved from https://startwithwhy.com/commit/the-golden-circle
- 20. The Golden Circle The what may be the same, how two people do it might be different. The why is your purpose, cause, or belief – completely yours. It’s what drives us. i.e. Fame and fortune = what, but your why might be freedom
- 21. EXAMPLE Note: A lot of my whys are emotionally motivated. The ones that really speak to me I’ve highlighted. I keep this in the room I work out in to remind me/motivate me.
- 22. YOUR TURN: WHAT IS YOUR WHY? • Take 5 minutes to brainstorm – what do you want to do, how do you want to do it and then… •WHY? • Remember to consider what you value and your mind, emotion, and physical factors…
- 23. Therapist Aid LLC. (2012). Values Clarification. [Worksheet]. Retrieved from https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/values-clarification/none/none
- 24. REALISTIC GOAL SETTING • Long term goals = any goal that takes 1+ years to complete • Short term goals = any goal 1 year or less • Strategies: • Chunking (breaking down into bite sized pieces) • SMART goals
- 25. SMART GOALS • S – Specific: what do I want, who is involved, where located, what resources/barriers? • I will return to my June 2018 shape/health • M – Measurable: assessing progress, how much, how many, how will I know accomplished? • A – Actionable: Can actually do something about it? What? • R – Relevant: Is it worthwhile to you now? Is this the right time? Does this meet my needs? • T – Time based: Timelines/deadlines? • I assess my progress once a month at the end of the month Mind Tools Content Team. (2019). SMART goals: How to make your goals achievable. Retrieved from https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/smart- goals.htm
- 26. KRYPTONITE AND SUPPORTS • Remember to consider your supports and your barriers (the kryptonite – like Superman – what will take you down?) • These can be mental, physical, or emotional
- 27. YOUR TURN • Plan out one of your key goals using the SMART acronym
- 28. RESETTING GOALS/CHANGING PATHS • Goal setting is dynamic because life happens! • Reflection is key: • Time to reflect • Criteria – how will you know what’s working and what isn’t on ALL levels (mindset, emotion, physical) • Lay it out on the table (look at reality) and use wise mind – what you think AND feel • Consider supports – equipment/coaches, environment, etc.
- 29. WHAT TO DO IF YOU NEED CHANGE • Revise your goal sheet • Writing goals down increases likelihood it’ll happen • Compassion • Give yourself a chance to mourn the change/loss • Even positive change causes stress on your system • Talk with the people involved • Might be a misunderstanding OR it might be the relationship no longer aligns with values/who you are/where you are going • Gather information
- 30. STRATEGY Burns, D. (1991). The five secrets of effective communication. [Worksheet]. Presented by Jack Hirose and Associates, Saskatoon, SK. i.e. “You’re right…” I am passionate…(instead of “emotional” – find what is true for you to reflect.) And that frustrates you. I also feel frustrated when… You are really important to me… How can we figure this out together? What more do you need? Note: I usually put inquiry at the end after “stroking” to invite further conversation and still have the opportunity to say what I need.
- 31. SELF COMPASSION • The ability to talk to yourself like you would a friend • Be kind to yourself – doesn’t make you bad/mean/selfish etc. to take care of yourself • Airplane warning: Put oxygen mask on self first… why? • Changing goals isn’t bad or wrong – it’s human
- 32. WRAPPING IT UP • Key points: • How the three brains can affect performance/reaching goals • Enjoyment of the sport includes: • Wise mind • Acceptance • Resilience • Motivation • Important to discover your “why” • How to set goals realistically: • Chunking and SMART goals • Kryptonite and supports • Resetting and changing paths/goals/supports if needed • Time to re-evaluate • Self compassion
- 33. A FINAL WORD… • Training never just goes up. It goes up and down continuously. • ~ Charlotte Dujardin • At any given moment we have two choices: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety. ~ Abraham Maslow
- 34. QUESTIONS? • Dochas Psychological Services, Inc. • www.dochaspsych.com • 780-446-0300 • klong@dochaspsych.com
- 35. REFERENCES • Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more. Center City, MN: Hazelden • Burns, D. (1991). The five secrets of effective communication. [Worksheet]. Presented by Jack Hirose and Associates, Saskatoon, SK. • Cockle, S. (2018, March). Applied sport psychology: Performance on demand. Presented by the Psychologists’ Association of Alberta, Edmonton, AB. • Cosby, B. (1997). The meanest thing to say. New York, NY: Scholastic Inc. • Dujardin, C. (2018, October 17). 20 Great Quotes from Charlotte Dujardin at the NEDA Fall Symposium. Retrieved from https://horseandriderbooks.wordpress.com/2018/10/17/20-great-quotes-from-charlotte-dujardin-at-the-neda-fall-symposium/ • Figure 1. Meanest thing to say. From https://books.google.ca/books/about/The_Meanest_Thing_to_Say.html?id=BCaaNgAACAAJ&source=kp_cover&redir_esc=y • Mind Tools Content Team. (2019). SMART goals: How to make your goals achievable. Retrieved from https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/smart-goals.htm • Seligman, M. (2006). Learned optimism: How to change your mind and your life. New York, NY: Vintage Press. • Siegel, D. (August 9, 2017). The hand model of the brain (Video file). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-m2YcdMdFw • Sinek, S. (2019). Start with why. Retrieved from https://startwithwhy.com/commit/the-golden-circle • Therapist Aid LLC. (2012). Values Clarification. [Worksheet]. Retrieved from https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/values- clarification/none/none • Vaughn, S. (2016, December). Dialectical behavior therapy. Presented by PESI at https://catalog.pesi.com/sales/bh_001238_advanced_dbt_organic-22467
Notas del editor
- Everyone has strengths they bring to what they do. Sometimes though, we get in our own way because we become frustrated, disillusioned, or just plain tired. This presentation was originally designed for competitive young athletes and is applicable to everyone. It is about being able to reach for your biggest goals and do it with enjoyment, even when it gets hard.
- There is always the legal stuff to take care of… and yes, I’m going to read the slide.
- So, before we go much further, I guess I should introduce myself. I’m Kim Long and I’m a Registered Psychologist with Dochas Psychological Services in Spruce Grove, Alberta.
- There are actually four key areas to sports psychology. The first is relaxation training: being able to calm your mind and body so you can be at your best. We’ll talk a little about why you’d want to do this when we cover the science of the three brains. Next is visualization training: being able to see yourself in the process of doing your best. Third is positive self talk, which we’ll talk about a bit when we talk about self compassion or some of the strategies in the mindset portion. Finally, there is Goal Setting, which is the main focus for today.
- If you click on the link, it will take you to the YouTube video of Dr. Dan Siegel explaining the hand model of the brain. Basically, if you hold up your hand, your wrist represents your spinal cord. Your palm represents the reptilian brain – the oldest and most instinctual part of the brain. This brain governs stuff like breathing and body responses. It doesn’t have language. Then, if you folded your thumb in over your palm, you would be dealing with the mammalian brain or the limbic system. This is our emotional center and it responds best to the five senses. Like the reptilian brain, it doesn’t have language and it is basically besties with the reptilian brain. These two brains work together to scan our environment for threats. We’ll talk about that a bit more in a minute or two. Finally, if you fold your fingers over your thumb which is over your palm, you have the frontal lobe. This is the youngest part of the brain, but it thinks it is the most amazing because it has language and is responsible for regulating the other two brains, which is a fancy way of saying it’s job is to make the other two brains chill out. Here’s how it works: The palm and your thumb notice something going on that makes them perk up. They then send a chemical signal to the frontal lobe, whose job is to check it out and say, it’s all good OR yep, we have to freak out. The problem is, the frontal lobe activates 3 seconds slower than the other two brains. So, by the time the frontal lobe tries to tell them to calm down, they’ve already moved on to something else OR they’ve been feeding more chemicals to the frontal lobe. If they’ve moved on, the frontal lobe figures it’s all good, but it could be saying the discomfort was caused by something that really didn’t cause it, leading to possible irrational fears. If they haven’t moved on and keep feeding the chemicals, eventually the frontal lobe gets overwhelmed and shuts off. This is called “flipping your lid”. You are no longer able to think or reason. It’s all just action and emotional response designed to get us out of the uncomfortable or unsafe situation. Unfortunately, we think we’re still thinking. Have you ever been in a situation when you’ve done or said something when, once you calm down, you wish you could undo because you would not normally act that way? This is what I’m talking about here. Good news is your brain is acting normally to a perceived threat and once the other two brains naturally regulate, the frontal lobe is able to come back online and all is well again. There are ways to improve your ability to stay with all three functioning together, and this involves widening your window of tolerance, but that’s a conversation for another time. How would this be important information for reaching your goals? How might this affect your performance? How might it affect your interactions with others?
- Wise mind is often discussed in a therapeutic approach called Dialectical Behavior Therapy or DBT. However, I don’t think it’s only applicable there. Wise mind is the logic mind with the feeling mind and the space between, the inner knowing or “gut instinct”. Sometimes we just “know” something even if there is evidence to the contrary. Wise mind is the ability to look at reality (the reasonable mind), consider our dreams (emotional mind), and listen to our body response (the gut), using information from all three to decide on a course of action. To use wise mind, you need to be able to trust yourself and be aware of yourself. Mindful. In other words, again, we need all three brains working together in harmony.
- I used to hate the word acceptance because it often symbolizes for people “letting go”, “getting over it”, “lying down and being rolled over”. Like we are expected to stop acknowledging what happened in our pasts and the effects they had on us. The reality is, that’s incredibly difficult to do. BUT, acceptance is actually the ability to acknowledge what is reality and dealing with it instead of what we wish had happened. All the should’s, coulds, musts, woulds etc., are wishing. It’s not what is really there. A strategy to help with this is what I call “laying it out on the table”.
- It’s almost like laying your cards out on the table. This might be because my family were big card players back in the day, but it’s an image that seems to help me make sense of it, especially when reality seems really muddy. Here, I’m using an example of my own fitness goals. This is threaded throughout the presentation. My reality about reaching my fitness goals has some strengths and drawbacks and includes the emotional component. For example, my body no longer bounces back the way it used to in my 20s. I really miss those days. Missing it is a reality for me, but it doesn’t help me reach my goal – it’s wishing things were different. So, I have to deal with the reality that it’s going to take me longer and things might hurt more. Another reality is I become frustrated and discouraged about it because it doesn’t happen as easily. I have to be able to plan for those emotions in order to reach my goals. As well, I have been successful in reaching this goal before, so that is proof I can do it again. Another reality to consider. Basically, anything that is provable or tangible can go onto the reality table. From there, you can ask what possible choices or actions can I take based on this reality? It is important to consider all three brains in this: the mind, body, and emotional factors because you need to be able to account for their influence on your goals. Once you can come to terms with what is real or observable fact (both situationally and emotionally), then you can use your resilience to solve the problem or change.
- To be resilient, your mind has to be able to function in a certain way or look at the world in a certain way. It also needs to be regulated to use the strategies to maintain a healthy mindset. When we are resilient, we have this worldview: Issues as opportunities to learn or challenges to overcome Issues don’t last forever – a “this too shall pass” mindset The future is full of potential – anything can happen You are allowed to be kind to yourself – you don’t beat yourself up because of a setback And… you are NOT a victim – you are able to exert some sort of power over the situation to create positive change. It’s not luck, fate, or some outside force controlling things.
- Personal control is closely related to the last point of mindset. It’s about how we view the power we do have. It’s also called Self-Efficacy, a term coined by psychologist Albert Bandura. This is the belief you have the skills, ability AND the access to resources to solve a problem. The way we exercise personal control is: We only accept responsibility for what is ours to own. For example, let’s say my sister in Ontario wants me to come out to visit because the girls have been asking about me. BUT, she wants me to come on a specific weekend where I’ve already made other commitments and I can’t afford the flights because it’s last minute. Me saying no will create disappointment and I HATE disappointing my nieces. But, I do need to take care of myself and honor my other commitments. My sister and nieces’ respective disappointments aren’t my responsibility – that’s for them to own and take care of. I don’t have to be a jerk about it or become defensive, but I can recognize how I feel about it, how I’m going to feel about it, and what is best for me and take care of it. Another way is to focus on what we have power over and what we don’t. Again, not a victim and accepting responsibility for what is ours. I have no power over how people feel. I like to think I do, but I don’t. Any number of factors could cause whatever reaction they are having – it isn’t just my stuff. And, we don’t apply the situation to other life areas. Let’s say you have a bad outing in your event. It doesn’t then mean you are bad at driving or relationships, or school, or whatever. It doesn’t even mean that the next event will be horrible, or that you’re a failure in life. You limit it to that situation.
- Although there are many strategies to develop or acknowledge our personal control, here are the three covered today. Let’s say I’m concerned that a colleague doesn’t like me. Could be your coach, trainer, friend, etc. and if you want, substitute that person whenever I say colleague.
- This comes from the work of Martin Seligman and is about changing our thinking. Using the example mentioned in the previous slide, the evidence disputation means I would ask myself, “What proof do I have that my colleague doesn’t like me”. To make this easier, I’m going to give my colleague a name. Let’s call her Kate. Now, if you’re like me, your brain is probably pretty good at coming up with something here. For example, Kate snapped at me this morning when I asked her when she’d be available to meet. Ok, well, then we can move to the alternatives disputation. An example could be maybe she had just gotten an angry email or phone call. Maybe she didn’t get enough sleep or is hungry. Maybe she is just overwhelmed in general and the thought of another meeting makes her brain want to explode. The point is, none of those have to do with ME personally. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me, just that something is going on for her. I can also use implications as a disputation. If it were true, what is the worst thing about Kate not liking me? Well, it could make working together difficult. I could be uncomfortable and distance myself. Ok, and can I manage or survive those things? Often, we realize the worst thing really isn’t so bad. It’s not great, but it’s not the end of the world. Finally, and to be honest, I tend to use the usefulness disputation if the others aren’t effective, you can ask yourself if the thought is actually helping you to reach your goal. We have to meet. Is my thought about Kate not liking me going to help me meet with her? Probably not. I will just have to cope with the discomfort by using some of my other strategies to get the meeting done. At least I know I need to add in some supports for me.
- These are worksheets you can use to practice the disputations. They are based on the book “Learned Optimism” by Martin Seligman.
- Another strategy is to use humor to defuse the thought. In the book, “The Meanest Thing to Say”, the main character is expected to come back to the playground on the following day with some sort of comeback to the mean things another boy was saying. His dad encouraged him to say only one thing, “So?” In reality, it’s the voices in our head that we are creating the comeback for. It sounds like this: You’re so stupid, you were dropped on your head as a kid – So? You’ll never be the best, you’re a complete fraud – So? Everyone will find out and you’ll be fired – So? Everyone laughs at you – So? What usually ends up happening is the voice gets tired of you not fighting with it and it backs off. You will also feel a little silly with all the “So’s”, so you may end up laughing at it or the voice’s frustration. Strange but true.
- Another strategy is to use is a decision making tree. As you can see from the example, the situation is that my friend cannot find a dog sitter and he wants to go on this amazing trip. You start by asking yourself, “Whose problem is it?” Mine or theirs? If it’s not yours at all, then you do nothing. If it is your problem, then you ask yourself in what way? In this example, finding the dog sitter is my friend’s problem. The piece that is my problem is that I feel bad because I believe I could help. Once you determine what part of the situation is your problem, you ask what can you do about it. In this case, I can do things to soothe myself, like self compassion or even asking if they want help. Once I find my options, then I choose an action. What is important is to trust the other to solve their own problems. This not only empowers them, but it keeps you on the same level as them instead of implying you always have the answer and are therefore better. Weird, but true. It also ensures you are accepting responsibility for only your part.
- There is a lot of information out there about how to improve motivation, but here are some key things: You need to be able to reflect, examine, and understand your needs when you are working towards something. For example, for me to stick with working out, I MUST work out in the morning before I do anything else. Otherwise, I’ve learned I won’t do it. Break the bigger goal down into smaller chunks. Think of it like Newton’s Law of Inertia: once something gets rolling, it’s going to keep going until something stops it. So, if we start with smaller goals and are successful, our momentum keeps us moving to the larger one. Keeps us from becoming overwhelmed. Also relates to the mindset piece. Some people will say they aren’t motivated or don’t have the willpower. It’s not actually about that. We all have motivation and willpower, but it’s about the priority at that time. For example, I really am focused on health and eating right BUT after a 15 hour workday where I didn’t pack enough healthy food and I’m tired, my priority isn’t making a healthy meal, it’s about getting food in my belly. We’ll come back to this idea when we discuss our “kryptonite”. Finally, there is discovering your “why”. This is the piece that will keep you going through the hardest times.
- It is more helpful if your why isn’t just about fame and fortune – those are outcome based and you really have very little control over outcome. And, to be honest, some things can take a long time. If you can make it process based, meaning focused on the “how”, it will help you to keep going. Our ways of doing things are usually related to the why we do them. For example, if my why is to be thin for bikini season, then my approach to working out probably won’t be as sustainable and will incorporate particular diets that are focused on speed. If my why is to feel confident overall, then my approach will be different. It’s also helpful if your why relates to what you most value. By value, I mean a personal quality. For example, I value helping, respect, loyalty, and truth. So one of my why’s for psychology is to help people feel loved and accepted for exactly who they are in whatever moment they are in. Because this relates to my values , it is easier to do the how of therapy (like strategies and stuff) in a way that shows respect and asks for genuineness from both the client and myself. In this way, my why fits being process based because I’m focused on the how of what I am doing (accepting people, which I have power in) instead of the outcome of everyone feeling better. They are responsible for that part, not me (therefore I’m only accepting responsibility for what is mine, which we talked about earlier). People can either accept what I offer or reject it. It’s not my call. Why can also be physically or emotionally based. Simon Sinek has done a lot of work in this area. Much of his work can be found at startwithwhy.com. For us here though, we’re going to quickly look at his way of developing the why – the Golden Circle.
- Simon Sinek believes that whether we realize it or not, all great and inspiring leaders and organizations function on three levels: WHAT we do HOW we do it, and WHY we do it. He believes when those three elements are aligned, it makes decision making easier and enables trust and relationship building. When all three things are in balance, people are clear about who we are and what we stand for. In other words, our what may be the same. For example, Kate and I are both psychologists. Our how might be different – she might use more solution focused strategies where I may focus more on different parts in our personalities. Our why is different – she believes it is her purpose to help people get on the journey to discovering their strengths, whereas my purpose, as I’ve stated, is to help people feel loved and accepted which enables them to love and accept themselves. We both agree with the other person’s why and might have it as another why, but our main one is different. If Kate and I were both focused on fame and fortune, we have the same outcome, but our whys could be entirely different. Mine might be about freedom, hers might be about safety.
- This is my planning sheet for my 2019 fitness goals. We’ll break it down into more detail later, but for now, notice my whys. I have a lot of them. The key ones, the ones that really motivate me, are highlighted. For me, I notice that my most influential whys are emotionally based instead of the logical ones. Everyone is different. For example, I really don’t value my health as much as I value respecting myself. So my why for my fitness is different that someone who values physical health. This also means that physical health won’t get me out of bed in the morning, whereas being proud of myself will.
- On the next slide, there is a values sheet that might help you with your brainstorming.
- Ok, we’ve made it through a lot of the underlying psychological influences on goal setting. Let’s get down to it, as my dad would say. Long term goals are any goal that takes one or more years to complete. Short term goals are any that take a year or less. A great strategy for long term goals (and even short term goals that take more than one month) is chunking: breaking the goal down into smaller steps to figure out how to reach it. This is related to that Law of Inertia from earlier. An acronym that helps with setting realistic goals is SMART – specific, measurable, actionable, relevant, and time based.
- If you consider the sheet that stated my 2019 fitness goals, it is specific because I have tracked what it would mean to return to my June 2018 shape/health. By looking at my why and my why not, which is my kryptonite, I know what resources or barriers I may need. It is measurable because, again, I have kept a log book where I know what I’m comparing it to, so I clearly know what it means to accomplish my goal. It’s actionable because I can do something about it right now. It’s relevant because, let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger – this will only get harder the longer I put it off. It is the right time because it helps my mood when it’s so snowy and dark out and I’ll be stronger for when I can be outside. Finally, it is time based. Even though I didn’t write it on my sheet, I assess my progress at the end of every month by taking measurements, weighing myself and taking pictures so I can see progress over time. I also assess throughout the month by recognizing how my clothes are fitting differently and how much more I can handle physically and emotionally.
- Your kryptonite is your why not. What are the reasons for NOT moving toward your goals? These can also be mind, emotion, or physically based. These are the barriers in your way. For example, if I’m tired, it sets me up to fail in my desire to eat healthy and take care of myself, so sleep is more of a priority than working out sometimes. I need to be able to be a bit flexible while still maintaining focus on my goals. It doesn’t mean I’m not moving toward my goal, I’ve built in a strategy to keep me on track, instead of continuing to the point where I burn out and become bitter and give up. You also need to ask yourself what supports are needed. Again, these can be mind, emotion, or physically based. For me, again, I need more emotional supports than in the other areas, but everyone is different.
- Setting goals is dynamic because life happens! Time is needed to evaluate the actions you are taking and revise your path. Setting this time specifically is helpful. Here’s where you’d look at the reality or acceptance piece – what have you really accomplished, what got in your way, and how to re jig it so it works better for you. It also relates to wise mind when reflecting – be honest with yourself about what you think AND feel. Also consider your supports – are they being what you need them to be to reach your goals? This includes those closest to you and your coaches, trainers, other people/things in your environment.
- If you need to take a bit of a detour, it helps to write out the new plan. Writing your goals and plan down increases the likelihood it will happen. It’s like a written contract to yourself. Weirdly it works. Give yourself space to mourn the change/loss – even positive change can feel like a loss and cause a change in the system. Our bodies like to stay the same, so any change creates stress within it. Give yourself the space to adapt to this. Also, talk with the people involved. It could be a misunderstanding that has created the need for change or it could be the relationship no longer aligns with who you are, where you are going, or what you value.
- Here is a strategy to help with communicating during difficult conversations. For example, I have been told that I am responding emotionally or “Classic overreaction, Kim”. Well, I have some options about how I could respond to that statement, which I perceive as an attempt to demean what I am saying. I’ve learned the healthier response is to start with a disarming technique, “You’re right”. This strategy often has the person stop in their tracks, usually looking around for cameras, thinking they’re on Punk’d. Basically, it takes their defensiveness away because you’ve made it clear you aren’t there to fight with them, but to communicate. From there, I would pick out the truth of what they said, even if it’s only a kernel. I do not believe I am overemotional, so I change it to “I am passionate”. Do not simply agree if you don’t. Change it to the bit of truth you can find in what they said, even if it is only coming from their perception. Then, you try to reflect what you think they are feeling “That frustrates you...” Don’t worry about getting the emotion wrong – they’ll correct you if it is. The point is, you’ve now engaged them in conversation, instead of yelling or cold-shouldering it. I skip inquiry until the end… you’ll see why. I move next to my stuff. The example says “I also feel frustrated when…”, but you don’t have to repeat the emotion you think they feel. You could say I feel sad when, or angry when, etc. But move on to share ONE point that you really wanted to discuss. I say one because if you do more, it gives the opening to talk about something totally unrelated or, if it’s too many, the other person feels attacked, leading to defensiveness. Since you’ve worked so hard at the beginning to defuse this, it would really stink to stir it up. Then to stroking – not really physically – that could make it awkward – but, you say what makes the person really important to you, or that they are important to you. Move up to inquiry, which is an invitation to work together or to find out what is really going on for that person in that moment. You can start a conversation with someone with the you’re right statement. For example, “You’re right… sometimes it seems I’m not doing what you asked for as a student (or whatever)”. You can also set boundaries or limits around the conversation, but that’s a topic for another time.
- This is the ability to talk to yourself like you would a friend. I won’t go too in depth here, but when you are making a change, remember to be kind to yourself. It doesn’t make you a bad, mean, selfish person to take care of yourself. If you’ve ever been on an airplane, you know the safety instructions. They ask you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before anyone else. This is because you cannot help anyone else if you’re conked out in the seat beside them. Changing your goals isn’t bad, it’s human. It takes into account real life. Cause again, crap happens.
- To review (read slide) Remember that you are already coming into this with strengths and resources, or you wouldn’t be able to think about setting future goals.
- You made it! And, actually there are two final words or sentences or whatever, you get the point. Charlotte Dujardin is an elite dressage rider. She says… And Abraham Maslow was a psychologist who stressed the importance of looking for the positive qualities in people, instead of limiting them to their symptoms. He believed… I believe you will choose growth and use your strengths to deal with the ups and downs of the journey towards your goals. Thank you for your time and take care!