1. Understanding How Your Family Functions Family Seminar by Trevor O’Reggio

3. Quote As children, we tend to mold our personalities to adapt to our environment. If our environment is supportive, nurturing, and flexible, we are freed to express our own individuality. If your environment is rigid, demanding, and conditional, however, we are forced to shape our behavior to fit the needs of others. We substitute our true self for a false self that is more acceptable to our parents, whose love and approval we need desperately. In essence we compromise who we really are, and become what our parents need us to be. – Laurie Ashner and Mitch Meyerson, When Parents Love Too Much , (New York, NY: Avon Books, 1990), p. 53.

4. Quote You may feel that your family or origin wasn’t dysfunctional since your father wasn’t an alcoholic . . . . The truth is, however, that, due to the fallen nature of all parents (and children), all families are flawed and therefore dysfunctional to a certain degree. Addictive and compulsive behaviors (addictions to food, sex, work, and so on) are extremely common in even “the best of families,” and such behavior is almost always linked to some form of dysfunctional family background. – Dave Carder, et al., Secrets of Your Family Tree , Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 1991) p. 15.

6. Quote Many of us left home, defiantly vowing, “I’ll never do it like my parents.” Unfortunately, we are what we learn, and eventually, somehow, our parents manage to take up residence inside us. Only later as adults do we discover that we have never truly left home. In fact, in many ways we are just like our parents, who played the same game, different name—yet all products of a codependent heritage, “Lost in the shuffle.” – Robert Subby, Lost in the Shuffle, (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1987) p. 92.

8. Quote The Family as a System The family firm is a sacred, social society, in which each member is to act a part, each helping the other. The work of the household is to move smoothly, like the different parts of well-regulated machinery. {AH 179.4}

9. Quote The Family as a System Every member of the family should realize that a responsibility rests upon him individually to do his part in adding to the comfort, order, and regularity of the family. One should not work against another. All should unitedly engage in the good work of encouraging one another; they should exercise gentleness, forbearance, and patience; speak in low, calm tones, shunning confusion; and each doing his utmost to lighten the burdens of the mother. . . .

11. Quote The shame-bound family system is fixed in its form and highly resistant to change, even though change is a natural fact of life. This system is analogous to peanut brittle, with each person fixed in stereotyped, inflexible roles and relationships to one another . . . . When change exerts enough force all at one moment upon a rigid system, it may break and splinter. The shame-bound system does not have good capacity to absorb very much stress and still retain its integrity. – Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason, Facing Shame: Families in Recovery , (New York, NY: W.W. Norton, 1986) p. 19.

16. The Family Defined Donna nags ➞➞ Fred withdraws (Cause) (Effect) Fred withdraws ➞➞ Donna nags (Cause) (Effect) This is the normal simplistic way to look at relationships but relationships are interactive in nature and require that we think in terms of feedback loops.

18. The Family Defined Donna nags Fred withdraws Fred withdraws Donna nags

26. Quote First and foremost, children are taught to disown what their eyes see and what their ears hear. Because of denial in the family, children’s perceptions of what is happening become progressively and systematically negated. Overtly or covertly, explicitly or implicitly, they are told not to believe what their own senses tell them. As a result, the children learn to distrust their own experience. At the same time, they are taught not to trust other people. – Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics, (New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1985) p. 19.

30. Quote What is common to all such families is the commitment of all family members to maintain the secrets through rigid rules about what may and may not be talked about. These rules prohibit spontaneity in the family relationships; with spontaneity the real feelings and facts might be revealed. Family members create powerful myths about their histories, often leaving out the painful historical shapers of the shame. The children in these families are loyal through their lack of questioning about the past, thereby colluding in the family’s rules. – Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason, Facing Shame: Families in Recovery , (New York, NY: Norton, 1986) pp. 45-46.

32. Quote As adult children of dysfunctional families we operate in a world of extremes—always seeking that healthy balance, the Golden Mean, but always seeming to fall short of the mark. The pendulum swings to one extreme and we feel lonely, isolated, and afraid. We tire of this, and it swings to the other extreme, where we feel enmeshed, smothered, and angry. – John and Linda Friel, Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc. 1988) pp. 17-18.

43. Genogram Family Patterns and Family Sins

44. Principle of Balance Balanced Triangle Everyone involved in it is comfortable with all the others; there is no reason for it to change.

45. Principle of Balance Unbalanced Triangle A relationship of three people who do not get along is hardly a relationship at all.

46. Principle of Balance Balanced Triangle Two aligned parties draw their strength from their mutual dislike for the third party. Ex. Moses, Aaron and Miriam

47. Principle of Balance Unbalanced Triangle One person has a good relationship with two other people who dislike each other, is by nature unbalanced.

48. Quotes Everything occurring in a family, regardless of how carefully it may be hidden, impacts the children. Everything. – Robert Hemfelt and Paul Warren, Kids Carry Our Pain , (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1990), p. 70.

49. Quotes Characteristics of a Healthy Family 1. It is balanced; it can adapt to change. 2. Problems are handled on a family basis, not just an individual basis. 3. There are solid cross-generational connections. 4. Clear boundaries are maintained between individuals. 5. People deal with each other directly. 6. Differences are accepted and encouraged.

50. Quotes Characteristics of a Healthy Family 7. The thoughts and feelings of others are accepted. 8. Individuals know what they can give to, and receive from, others. 9. Maintaining a positive emotional climate is a high priority. 10. Each family member values the family as “a good place to live.” 11. Each learns from the others and encourages feedback. 12. Individuals are allowed to experience their own emptiness.

51. Forgiveness Quotes One of the roots of compulsive behavior is pain that is buried. Pretending that it isn’t there or that it doesn’t bother you anymore won’t solve your problems. Stoicism isn’t the answer. Facing your past and forgiving those who wounded you is the only lasting solution . . . . When buried memories surface, they need to be dealt with. It is important to forgive the parent who hurt you and the one who didn’t protect you from the hurt. – Nancy Curtis, Beyond Survival (Lake Mary, FL: Strang Communications, 1990) p. 59-60.

52. Forgiveness Quotes Forgiveness breaks the cycle. It does not settle all questions of blame and justice and fairness; to the contrary, often it evades those questions. But it does all relationships to start over. In that way, said Solzhenitsyn, we differ from all animals. It is not our capacity to think that makes us different, but our capacity to repent, and to forgive. Only humans can perform that most unnatural act, and by doing so only they can develop relationships that transcend the relentless law of nature. – Philip Yancey, “An Unnatural Act,” Christianity Today , (April 8, 1991) p. 37.

53. Forgiveness Quotes But think about who your anger is hurting most: It’s you, as you wallow in your inner turmoil and bitterness. Forgiveness enables you to become fully freed from your anger so that you can develop as good a relationship as possible with your parents. Then, you will also be free to move forward positively in other relationships. – Anne Grizzle, Mothers Who Love Too Much , (New York, NY: Ivy Books, 1988 pp. 207-208.

54. Forgiveness Quotes Forgiveness involves letting go. Remember playing tug-of-war as a child? As long as the parties on each end of the rope are tugging, you have a “war.” But when someone lets go, the war is over. When you forgive your father, you are letting go of your end of the rope. No matter how hard he may tug on the other end, if you have released your end, the war is over for you. – H. Norman Wright, Always Daddy’s Girl , (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1989) pp. 235-236.

55. Forgiveness Quotes Remember that no matter how you verbalize your anger you must forgive! Forgiving starts with an act of the will. Forgiving is a choice. It may take some time to work through the emotional feelings that are involved. We cannot immediately dismiss the feelings. Again, it takes time to reprogram our computer. It takes time to reprogram the feelings. However, we can forgive others immediately by an act of the will. – Frank B. Minirth, M.D. and Paul D. Meier, M.D., Happiness is a Choice ,(Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1978) p. 156