Polyamory Introduction with Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes

Polyamory and Open
Relationships
Instructor: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
AllCEUs Counselor Education
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89 1

 Based in part on
 Franklin Veaux’s site and writings
https://www.morethantwo.com/
 What Psychology Professionals Should Know About
Polyamory by Geri Weitzman et. al.
 Perceptions of primary and secondary relationships in
polyamory Rhonda N. Balzarini et. al.

Trigger Warning and Cautions
 The following presentation involves frank
discussions sexuality.
 While not graphic, some of the content might be
triggering for some people.
 This series is meant to provide an overview to
help clinicians to understand polyamory, but is by
no means all inclusive. It is designed to increase
awareness of common issues and help clinicians
identify areas where they may need further
training.

Objectives
 Explore the difference between polyamory and
open relationships
 Learn some of the reasons people may choose
polyamory
 Explore the prevalence of polyamory
 Explore some of the many polyamorous
relationship structures

Polyamory vs. Open Relationships
 An open relationship is one where one or both partners
have a desire for sexual relationships outside of each
other, and polyamory is about having intimate, loving
relationships with multiple people
 In polyamory, the whole point is to fall in love with
multiple people, and there’s not necessarily any
relationship hierarchy
 Open relationships may start with one partner or both
partners wanting to be able to seek outside sexual,
intellectual or emotional relationships and satisfaction,
while still having sex with and sharing an emotional
connection with their partner

Why Be Poly
 Differences in sexual orientation
 Differences in sexual desire
 Ability to allow relationships to form organically, whatever
those may be
 More love/companionship
 Physical and emotional closeness with different people who
meet different needs
 Greater depth of social relationships
 Power dynamics (BDSM)
 Creation of Chosen Family
 Sexual excitement and/or fulfillment
 Distance – when partners live in separate parts of the world for
part or all of the time

Why Be Poly
 Additional financial stability
 Logistics (multiple people to provide childcare, household
chores, various skills, etc.)
 They are unable to have sex with their primary partner
 They fell in love with someone else but want to remain in their
current relationship
 Capacity to meet more of one’s emotional, intellectual and
sexual needs through accepting that one person cannot provide
all
 Release from the expectation that one must meet all of a
primary partner’s needs
 Desire to remain in long term relationship for the benefits
and/or child-rearing
 Fun/Novelty/Excitement/Escape

Prevalence
 4-5% of American relationships fall into some category of
CNM
 YouGov survey: 17% persons between 18-44yrs had
participated in some sort of sexual activity with their
partner’s consent, and
 50% people interviewed said that their ideal relationship
would have some form of CNM flexibility
 There are more CNM relationships within the LGBTQ
community as compared to heterosexual community
 BalzariniRN, Campbell L, Kohut T, Holmes BM, Lehmiller JJ, Harman JJ, et al. (2017)
Perceptionsof primary and secondary relationships in polyamory. PLoS ONE 12(5):
e0177841.https://doi.org/10.1371/journal. pone.0177841 Lovingmorenonprofit.org

Types of Poly Relationships
 Polyamory relationship style that allows people to
openly conduct multiple sexual and/or romantic
relationships simultaneously
 Polyaffective relationships are emotionally intimate, non-
sexual connections among people connected by a
polyamorous relationship
 Individual with multiple primaries V
 Triad 3 people in an equally committed relationship
 Primary plus: primary relationship partners each explore
other relationships
 Polygamy/Grou Marriage--a form of marriage consisting of
more than two persons
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89
9

Types of Poly Relationships
 Monogamish--a couple is primarily monogamous, but allows
varying degrees of intimate contact with others. Rules
structuring these external contacts vary by couple: Some allow
only one-night stands or only specific kinds of activity (i.e.,
kissing and groping are OK, but no intercourse), and others have
time limitations (e.g., no more than a week)
 Swinging --Committed couples consensually exchanging partners
specifically for sexual purposes
 Relationship Anarchy seeks to eliminate specific distinctions
between or hierarchical valuations of friendships versus love-
based relationships, so that love-based relationships are no
more valuable than platonic friendships.
10

Research
 Polyamorous individuals (N=1,093) completed online measures
of need fulfillment, relationship satisfaction, and commitment
for two concurrent romantic relationships. Participants
reported high levels of need fulfillment and satisfaction in both
relationships.
 Findings suggest that polyamorous relationships are relatively
independent of one another.
 J Sex Res. 2014;51(3):329-39. Need fulfillment in polyamorous
relationships.
 General trends in the research reviewed suggest that
consensual nonmonogamists have similar psychological well-
being and relationship quality as monogamists.
 Consensual Nonmonogamy: Psychological Well-Being and Relationship
Quality Correlates. J Sex Res. 2015;52(9):961-82.
11

Research
 There were no significant differences between ratings of
monogamous and primary partners in participants' overall
relationship satisfaction.
 However, monogamous participants reported less satisfaction
with the amount of communication and openness they had with
their partner compared to CNM participants' reports of their
primary partner, but not secondary partner.
 By comparison, CNM participants reported higher overall
relationship satisfaction with primary compared to secondary
partners and considered their primary partner to be more
desirable as a long-term mate than their secondary partner.
 Monogamy versus Consensual Non-Monogamy: Alternative Approaches to Pursuing a
Strategically Pluralistic Mating Strategy. Arch Sex Behav. 2017 Feb;46(2):407-417.

Practice Issues
 Training disparity deference to monogamous relationships
as being normal (termed “mononormativity”)
 Polyamory is legal, does not necessarily involve marriage,
and can be structured in many different ways
 Frank and DeLamater (2009) pointed out that researchers
and the public often equate extramarital intimacy or sex
with inﬁdelity, yet these constructs are not the same.
 Helping professionals who assume that monogamy is the
only healthy relationship may unintentionally cause
serious harm to clients
 Increase stigma and shame
 Reduce openness to discussing actual problems

Practice Issues
 The clinician cannot assume that an individual presenting
as a patient maintains a monogamy-valued view of his or
her intimate relationship.
 Patients may experience conflict between the cultural
monogamous ideal and their actual sexual behaviors.
 This conflict may be critical in understanding a patient's
sexual concerns and presenting issues and in treatment
planning.
 Monogamy and Nonmonogamy: Evolutionary Considerations and Treatment
Challenges. Sex Med Rev. 2016 Oct;4(4):343-352.

Common Therapeutic Issues
 Inadequate communication among all partners
 Feelings of guilt about the lifestyle and its effect on others
 Feelings of possessiveness and jealousy
 Discrepancy between intellectual and emotional liberation (it
sounds great in theory)
 Disapproval from significant others
 Disapproval from religion
 Strain from keeping “the secret”
 Lack of an external support group
 Legal ramifications (1999 child removed by grandparents)

Common Therapeutic Issues cont…
 Holidays, “plus ones,” etc.
 Minimization of the importance of “other” relationships
 Hierarchical Poly (primary/secondary)
 Dating a couple
 New relationship energy
 Dealing with breakups
 Power dynamics
 Child rearing

Common Therapeutic Issues cont…
 Judgements do not only affect the adults in
polyamorous relationships, but it seeps into their
children.
 Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli of Deakin University in Australia, has
done extensive research looking into the well-being of
children in poly families, and says the main issue is what’s
referred to as “the deficit model”. This simply means
outsiders believe that children are affected by their parents’
lifestyle in a negative way”
 “The children see the whole gamut of living in a family, but
externally, [many] think polyamory is all about orgies, and
that’s really hard for the kids.”

When the Poly Conversation Happens
 The “poly conversation” may force the participants to explore
needs that are not being met in the relationship.
 Matters often taken for granted in monogamy typically require
specific processing in poly relationships; for example:
 Time and Resources: How much should be expended on whom?
Who decides, and by what process?
 Sex: what type of sex is acceptable, with whom and under what
circumstances? (i.e., male or female, casual, party, BDSM play w/
or w/o genital contact, penetration, etc.)
 Safer sex: medical issues, contraception
 Disclosure: How much sexual/emotional disclosure about other
partners is desired; how much is too much? Under what
circumstances does disclosure take place, and at what stage of the
relationship?
18
What Professionals
Should Know about
Polyamory by Geri
Weitzman, PhD.

When the Poly Conversation Happens
 Matters often taken for granted in monogamy typically
require specific processing in poly relationships cont…
 Relating to other partners: To what extent? Will it be required that
existing partners meet them before sex occurs?
 Belongings and personal space considerations: e.g., “No, your lover
can’t wear my bathrobe,” or, “Yes, it’s ok if you have sex in our
bed.”
 Integrating new partners with family and friends: if, when and how?
 Attaining relative equivalence in extra-dyadic relationships.
 In many poly relationships there is a primary couple that chooses to
invite secondaries into their relationship
 Veto Power: Who has the right to say “no” to a partner’s choice of
another? Must at least some rationale be offered?
19

Polyamory Myths
 Myth 1: Polyamory is mostly about having a lot of sex.
 Many polyamorous relationships are an extended support
network where some, but not all, of the connections involve
a sexual component, but all of the connections have a deep
love and respect for one another.
 Some people get into polyamory because they’re interested
in a romantic relationship without sex. There are a lot of
people in the polyamorous community who identify as
[asexual] but don’t want to force their partners to be
celibate.

Polyamory Myths
 Myth 2: It’s for people who don’t want to commit
 Mono-normative society says that we should direct
most of our attention, affection, and love toward one
significant other so we are not spread too thin.
Yet nobody bats an eye when people have multiple
children
Many countries and cultures embrace polyamory
 People in a poly relationship may not live together or
be married, but the key to the success of the
relationship is being there for the other person. Some
may be there intellectually, others emotionally, others
physically or some combination therein.

Polyamory Myths
 Myth 3: Polyamory can never really work because
humans are jealous by nature.
 While there is jealousy, poly people learn to respond to
feelings by investigating them with mindful curiosity.
 Jealousy usually results from poor communication—not
talking about fears or concerns especially as they may
relate to prior abandonment or trauma issues
 Because other people are involved, there is a “sexual
bureaucracy” characterized by contracts and explicit
agreements which can help dissipate some of the
jealousy.

Poly Mistakes
 Don’t make assumptions about your partners or your relationship
(expectations, rules etc.)
 Consider the intended and unintended consequences of your actions.
 Don’t try to manage the feelings of your partner or yourself. (i.e. You
can have sex, but not feelings)
 Don’t expect relationships among all parties to be the same
 Don’t start a new relationship if the existing one is having problems
 Be careful when getting involved with a person new to the lifestyle
until they figure out what poly-arrangements feel right for them
 Don’t insist that a poly-relationship act as a unified unit---doing
everything together.
 Communicate openly and directly. Don’t rely on relayed information
https://www.morethantwo.com/
23

Summary
 There are a variety of reasons people engage in poly-
relationships
 According to Psychology Today, approximately 4% or 9.8 million
adults are engaging in some form of polyamorous relationships
 As many as 83% of societies around the world allow polygamy
 A polyamorous structure has unique challenges and benefits
 Polyamorous relationships are not always about sex. They are
about dedication and commitment to being there for the other
people.

Resources in Your Classroom
 What Professionals Should Know about Polyamory by Geri
Weitzman, PhD.
 Resources from MorethanTwo.com
 Polyamory 101, a 15-page PDF that includes a dictionary of
polyamory-related terms and other resources for polyamorous
relationships.
 Practical Jealousy Management
 Making Relationships Suck, a handy PDF guide about how to make
sure your relationships will fail miserably
 What Is Polyamory? An academic primer on polyamory
 Perceptions of primary and secondary relationships in
polyamory
 http://www.threelationship.com/2017/06/21/polyamory-
101/

Resources in Your Classroom
 Anapol, D. (1992). Love without limits: The quest for
sustainable intimate relationships.
 Anapol, D. (2003). The future of the family and the fate of our
children. Retrieved
from http://www.lovewithoutlimits.com/future_family.html
 Anapol, D. (2010). Polyamory in the 21st century: Love and
intimacy with multiple partners. New York, NY: Rowman and
Littlefield. Anderlini-D’Onofrio, S. (2009). Gaia and the new
politics of love: Notes from a poly planet. Berkeley, CA: North
Atlantic Books.
 Arden, K. (1996). Dwelling in the house of tomorrow: Children,
young people and their bisexual parents. In S. Rose & C.
Stevens (Eds.), Bisexual horizons: Politic, histories, lives(pp.
244–257). London, UK: Lawrence & Wishart.
 Barker, M., & Langdridge, D. (2010). Understanding non-
monogamies. London, UK: Routledge.

Polyamory Introduction with Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes

Recomendados

Recomendados

Más contenido relacionado

La actualidad más candente

La actualidad más candente (20)

Similar a Polyamory Introduction with Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes

Similar a Polyamory Introduction with Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes (20)

Más de Dr. DawnElise Snipes ★AllCEUs★ Unlimited Counselor Training

Más de Dr. DawnElise Snipes ★AllCEUs★ Unlimited Counselor Training (20)

Último

Último (20)

Polyamory Introduction with Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes