1. Effective Communication
Workshop
Ian Carpenter, Ashley Douroux and
Amanda Rivera,
Psy.D. Trainees, ULV Counseling Center
January 15th
, 2009

2. Workshop Overview
• Four Types of Communication
• Common Mistakes in Communicating
• Communication Skills

3. Four Types of Communication
• Methods of relaying information:
– Passive
– Aggressive
– Passive-Aggressive
– Assertive

4. Passive Communication
• Passive communication often includes:
– A lack of expressing opinions or feelings
– A lack of protecting rights of self
– A lack of identifying and meeting own needs
• Examples of passive communication:
– “I get stepped on by everyone”
– “I’m unable to stand up for myself”
– “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me”
• The impact of passive communication:
– Feeling anxious, depressed, resentful, or
confused

5. Aggressive Communication
• Aggressive communication often includes:
– Using language to dominate others
– Humiliation to control others
– Criticism, blame, threats or attacking others verbally
– Being demanding or overbearing
• Examples of aggressive communication:
– “It’s going to be my way or not at all”
– “It’s all your fault”
– “You’re just stupid if you think that will work”
• The impact of passive communication:
– Alienation from others
– Being feared or disliked by others

6. Passive-Aggressive
Communication
• Passive-Aggressive communication often includes:
– Acting out anger in a subtle or indirect manner
– Appearing to be cooperative while subtly sabotaging
– Avoiding confrontation and denying problems
– Difficulty acknowledging or directly dealing with anger and
resentment
• Examples of passive-aggressive communication:
– “I will appear cooperative but I’m not”
– “I’m weak and resentful, so I will frustrate others”
• The impact of passive-aggressive communication:
– Alienation from others around them
– Stuck in a position of powerlessness

7. Assertive Communication
• Assertive communication often includes:
– Clearly, appropriately, and respectfully stating opinions
and feelings
– Firmly advocating rights and needs
– Not allowing others to abuse or manipulate them
– Listening well without interrupting others
• Examples of assertive communication:
– “I can’t control others but I can control myself”
– “I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful
manner”
• The impact of passive communication:
– Feeling connected to others, competent and in control
– Creating a respectful environment for self and others

8. More Examples of Assertive
Communication
• “So what you’re saying is…”
• “I can see that this is important to you,
and it is also important to me.
Perhaps we can talk more respectfully
and try to solve the problem”
• “I think…I feel…I believe that…”
• “I would appreciate it if you…”

9. Common Mistakes
• What types of communication
mistakes can you list?
– From personal experience?
– From prior knowledge?
– Because we’ve made them ourselves?

10. Common Mistakes
• Avoiding/Ignoring
an issue that is
important to the
other person
• Giving “The Silent
Treatment”
• Bringing up issues
during
inappropriate
times
• Not talking about
issues in a timely
manner, but
instead saving
them up and
springing them all
at once
• Generalizing “you
always…” or “you
never…”

11. Common Mistakes
• Name calling or
assaulting the
other person’s
character
• Blaming the other
person for the
problem at hand
• Mind Reading or
assuming what the
other person is
thinking/feeling
• Calling attention to
a known weakness
of the other person
• Bringing up past
issues that had
previously been
resolved
• Exaggerating the
situation or making
idle
threats/ultimatums

12. Common Mistakes
• Answering a
complaint with
your own separate
complaint
• Assuming that the
other person
knows what you
are
thinking/feeling
• Belittling the other
person’s complaint
• Sulking or ignoring
the other person’s
strong expression
of emotions
• Giving non-
negotiable
demands
• Pretending to go
along, or agree,
when you really do
not

13. Communication Skills
• What are some effective
communication skills?
– From personal experience?
– From prior knowledge?
– Because we’ve made them ourselves?

14. Communication Skills
• Deal with issues
as they come up
• Pick a good time
to have the
conversation and
make an
“appointment” if
necessary
• Be specific, limited
and direct…one
issue at a time!
• Be able to let go of
anger…count to 10
if you really feel
attacked
• Use “I” language (“I
am angry about…”)
• Say what you really
mean to say, don’t
beat around the
bush

15. Communication Skills
• Stay in the present
and use present
examples
• Deal with behaviors,
not personality traits
• Try to understand the
other person’s
feelings/perceptions
(“Maybe he had a
bad day”)
• Be an active listener
and repeat back what
you are hearing to
ensure accuracy
• Be sensitive, you don’t
always have to fight
back!
• Ask questions if you’re
not sure what the other
person is
thinking/feeling

16. Communication Skills
• Express and
interest in coming
to a mutually
satisfying solution
• Come up with a
number of
possible solutions
from all angles
• Stay on subject.
Resolve one issue
before moving on
• Have a healthy
physical way to
express emotion
• Be ready to forgive
the other person
• End conversations
with an expression
of positive feelings
about working
together
successfully

17. Activity Time
• Can you identify any common
communication mistakes in the
following scenarios?

18. Scenario #1
• Two friends are trying to make plans
for the evening. One friend wants to
go out for coffee and the other friend
wants to go see a movie.

19. Scenario #2
• Two college roommates just received
$100 to share. One roommate wants
to buy a small refrigerator to share,
but the other roommate wants to use
the money for a night out on the
town.