InnerSpace Founder Communication Workshop June 23, 2017
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Topics include disclosure & vulnerability, listening, and coaching
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InnerSpace Founder Communication Workshop June 23, 2017
- 1. Founder Communication InnerSpace Joe Greenstein & Semira Rahemtulla June 23, 2017
- 2. Who are we? Most recently… • Co-founder/CEO of Flixster (Acq by WB, 2011) Previously… • VP Product @ Edusoft (Acq by Houghton-Mifflin) • Co-founder @ CoreMetrics (Acq by IBM) • Co-founder @ QApro (Failed completely) Joe Greenstein Cofounder of InnerSpace Most recently… • Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell (Raised seed round then failed) Previously… • Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire (IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap) • UX Designer @ Vividence (Acq by Keynote) • Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer Science Semira Rahemtulla Cofounder of InnerSpace
- 3. Who are you?
- 5. Photo by Theresa Thompson [link] Intro 15 mins Disclosure & Vulnerability 50 mins Team & Group Norms 30 mins Break 10 mins Feedback & Influence 1 50 mins Break 10 mins Feedback & Influence 2 50 mins Closing 15 mins TOTAL 4 hrs Agenda
- 6. Why are we doing this? (Part 1)
- 7. Why are we doing this? (Part 2)
- 8. We will… – Give you our best – Take breaks – End on time – Send you these slides & further reading What else would be helpful for you? Working AgreementsWorking Agreements
- 9. We ask you to… Respect confidentiality Photo by Vox Efx [link] Working Agreements
- 10. We ask you to… Challenge yourself Photo by Daniel Oines [link] Working Agreements
- 11. We ask you to… Minimize distractions Photo by Robert S. Donovan [link] Working Agreements
- 12. Photo by Luz Adriana Villa [link] We ask you to… Wait for breaks & Return on time Working Agreements
- 13. We ask you to… – Challenge yourself – Respect confidentiality – Minimize distractions – Wait for breaks & return on time Can we all commit to this? Working AgreementsWorking Agreements
- 14. One Big Idea
- 15. INTENT Needs Motives Stories My Reality IMPACT Assumptions Feelings Reactions Your Reality 3 Realities (The “Net” Model) The Net BEHAVIOR Verbal Non-Verbal Shared Reality
- 16. Feelings & Emotions – Why??Feelings & Emotions – Why??
- 18. Exercise #2: Introduce Yourselves • Find a partner you DON’T KNOW • 2 min to introduce yourself. Then switch.
- 19. Exercise #2: Give each other feedback • How did it feel hearing the 1st versus the 2nd intro? –What did you feel while you were listening? –Which was more interesting or memorable? –What did you notice about the person’s tone or body language in the 2 different intros?
- 20. How was that? • What did you notice? • How did it feel hearing the first intro? • How did it feel describing yourself differently?
- 21. Self-Disclosure Will I be less liked, respected, influential (leader-like)? Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the relationship? Will others use this information against me? How will others see/assess/ judge me? “What in my ‘bubble’ should I share?” Self-Disclosure
- 22. “ VULNERABILITY IS THE BIRTHPLACE OF CONNECTION. ” BRENÉ BROWN
- 23. Authentic Leaders “The single factor distinguishing top quartile managers from bottom quartile managers was strength of affection.” --“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”, Kouzes & Posner Authentic Leaders
- 24. If You Really Knew Me…
- 25. Exercise #2: If You Really Knew Me… • Each person gets 2min to complete the sentence “If you really knew me (right now)….” • No responses except “Thank you”
- 26. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link] Team & Culture
- 27. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link] Effective Teams 1. Participation 2. Collaboration 3. Cooperation (Commitment) Research: All of these are correlated to Group EQ “Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004
- 28. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link] “I’m starting to feel defensive” Inward (my emotions) Outward (others’ emotions) Emotional Awareness Emotional Management (“Regulation”) “He seems to be getting agitated” • Take a deep breath • “Could you give me a sec?” • Take a walk “Are you ok?” EQ (Individual)
- 29. High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group Group norms determine group EQ Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link] Group EQ
- 31. Exercise #4: Group Norms • On your own, rate your team on each of the norms in the handout • Then we’ll compare together as a group
- 32. Photo by jm3 [link] Our Norms
- 34. So… how do we communicate feedback to while minimizing defensiveness?
- 35. INTENT Needs Motives Stories My Reality IMPACT Assumptions Feelings Reactions Your Reality 3 Realities (The “Net” Model) The Net BEHAVIOR Verbal Non-Verbal Shared Reality
- 36. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback • “When you do [x]…” Focus on specific, observable behavior • "I feel [y]…” Describe the impact of that behavior on you (disclosure) • “Can you tell me what’s going on for you?” Ask about the other person’s intentions and perspective
- 37. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples… 1. Semira, you clearly don’t care about this presentation. 2. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation. 3. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious and wondering if I have lost your attention. What’s going on for you?
- 38. INTENT Needs Motives Stories My Reality IMPACT Assumptions Feelings Reactions Your Reality 3 Realities (The “Net” Model) The Net BEHAVIOR Verbal Non-Verbal Shared Reality
- 39. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback Step 1: Open with mutual goals and positive intent. What do you really want for this relationship? What is your intention in giving this feedback? Step 2: Stay on your side of the net a. Stick to observable behavior (“When you did [x]…”) b. Share your reaction (“I felt [y], and my story is [z]”) c. Ask for their perspective (“What was going on for you?”) Step 3: Enter joint problem-solving. Decide together how to make things better. Design some experiments.
- 40. Exercise #4 Practice Giving Feedback
- 41. Exercise #4: Feedback Practice Take another look at your feedback. Reflect: • Behaviors/Actions you find problematic • Effect/impact of those behaviors on you (feelings, stories) Revise your feedback using the worksheet.
- 42. Exercise #4: Feedback Practice Find a partner; pick who is going first (Person A) • Person A delivers their feedback to Person B • Person B coaches Person A on their feedback: – Did they name a specific, observable behavior? – Did they name his/her feelings about the impact of that behavior? – Did they stay on their side of the net? Switch & Repeat
- 43. How was that? • What worked to influence you? What didn’t? • Did you learn anything by giving feedback this way? • Are you going to give it a try for real?
- 44. Photo by Ana Karenina [link] 1:1 Feedback
- 46. Exercise #5: Complimentary Feedback Think of one thing your cofounder does that you really appreciate 1. Describe the behavior as specifically as possible 2. Describe the impact the behavior has on you
- 47. #1 Factor for Happiness on the Job: Feeling appreciated -- 2014 BCG/The Network survey of 200K employees
- 48. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityFostering a culture of appreciation 1. Create a space for it 2. Lead by example
- 49. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback • Manage your own defensiveness – Notice it – Name it: “Affect Labeling” • Goal is understanding, not winning – “Can you tell me more about that?" – Restate what you’ve heard to confirm understanding • Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”
- 50. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder Stay on your side of the net: When you do [x]… I feel [y]… And my story is [z]. Can you tell me what’s going on for you? Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.
- 51. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback Work Product – Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus area Communication & Management – Too much/little – Choice of format – Email etiquette – Language choices, communication style with others – Transparency of project status, hiring/firing/promotions Role Modeling & Presence – What energy do you feel from this person? – How do they impact others? – What do they model well? – Anything you worry about? – Arrival/departure times – How they speak/listen/act/dress
- 52. Fostering a feedback-rich culture • Train your team on giving/receiving feedback • Schedule feedback-focused 1:1s (or begin 1:1s with two-way feedback) – And set expectations of others to do the same
- 53. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net
Notas del editor
- Introduce ourselves here “as founders of this non-profit we’ve been doing this workshop w/ 500ish founders in the past 15months; first time w/ investors”
- who are we lucky to be part of a team that took this stuff seriously (communication & culture) fortunate to be involved in the early part of a company that was well run and had a successful exit and was the founder of a company that may or may not have been well run, but didn't have a successful exit
- Who are you, what company are you from, what was your first job?
- “We believe these skills help founders build more successful companies”
- Our leaders matter In addition to being financially successful, we think the way we run companies matters -- wiser, more compassionate leaders who are skilled in their relationships w/ themselves & others are important to the world, & SV needs to lead the way - not just in the tech we develop but in how we develop people In our founder groups this where I usually talk abut how important building a team that brought out the best in each other was for me personally. But I will tell you guys, the real reason we are doing this work is because we believe that leaders matter. We believe we have entered a period where our biggest challenge as a species will be our ability to interact with each other wisely and manage the incredible power we are about to have. And in our corner of the world, you guys are the mentors for that next generation of leaders. So if anything we do here today is useful for you in your capacity as a role model and influencer of future leaders – that will make our day worthwhile.
- ***feelings & emotions music has treble and clef 1. if you only have cognition and words without feelings, you don't have the full score, the full story 2. most of the time, people are "leaky" -- however they are feeling, they are emoting non-verbally. incongruence btwn words v behavior comes at the expense of credibility. therefore want congruence (so you dont want *only* thoughts or *only* feelings -- you want to communicate both) 3. "there's no room for feelings in business" -- is inspiring pple important in business? how do you inspire people without making them feel something? important for motivation Suppressing leads to lack of congruence – we are leaky.
- I’d like everyone to pause for a moment. In your 2-min introduction, think about what you chose to say… and what you chose not to say. Out of your entire life – your past, your future, your personal life, your hobbies, everything there is to know about you as a person… what did you choose to share. Why? pause What decisions did you make about what was relevant or interesting or safe to share with this person in this context? Now you’re going to introduce yourself again… and this time I want you to step outside of your comfort zone and share something you didn’t the first time. Imagine my hand on your back gently encouraging you to challenge yourself a bit.
- “…highest-performing managers show more warmth and fondness towards others than do the bottom 25%. They get closer to people, they’re significantly more open in sharing thoughts and feelings than their low-performing counterparts. Note that they also scored high on “thinking” and a need to have power and influence over others, but that didn’t distinguish them from the bottom quartile.
- I’d like everyone to pause for a moment. In your 2-min introduction, think about what you chose to say… and what you chose not to say. Out of your entire life – your past, your future, your personal life, your hobbies, everything there is to know about you as a person… what did you choose to share. Why? pause What decisions did you make about what was relevant or interesting or safe to share with this person in this context? Now you’re going to introduce yourself again… and this time I want you to step outside of your comfort zone and share something you didn’t the first time. Imagine my hand on your back gently encouraging you to challenge yourself a bit.
- Awareness & Regulation Within the group and with other groups (in relationship to other groups)
- -rest of the workshop is on feedback & influence in 2 parts
- Why is feedback scary? [discussion] -can feel like an attack -other person can feel controlled -other person can get defensive, have feelings hurt It’s “scary” but doesn’t pose any physical threat to us (most of the time!), so there must be something going on our in brains that are making us scared of giving critical feedback
- Inarguably true Disclosure -> empathy
- Setting the Context for Feedback Groundrules Discussion (What groundrules would help me be an effective participant in giving and receiving feedback) Organize folks so that each person has two people they work with/know well Give them time to plan feedback with each Bring them back and do “speed dating” format feedback– two rounds so that every person has done it twice Facilitator calls out time for switching "Second conversation" about feedback
- We’ll start w/ an exercise. Think of one thing your partner does that you especially appreciate that you haven’t told them – ever or recently Make a note of it right now
- Be specific: describe the behavior and the impact the behavior has on you 1min each to give each other your complimentary feedback.
- Complimentary feedback: -Single biggest missed opportunity is building stronger relationships We think positive things about our colleagues, peers, and loved ones all the time but don’t say them Why do it? -encourage the good stuff -there is a relationship “bank account”- Gottman - ideal ratio of positive to negative interactions (5:1) And you want that bank account to have something in it for when you do have critical feedback to give b/c the context of your relationship does matter for delivering tough feedback. So let’s talk about constructive feedback