Satirical description showing the absurdity of cutting costs mindlessly

1. Process Re-engineering Moves to Baseball
-- truthtable@aol.com
In a surprise move today, the take-over executive known affectionately as B. S.
announced a take-over of the New York Yankees.
INTERVIEW ONE
B.S.: "The Yankees are facing new competitive pressures, and we will be
bringing our management skills to the team to help them deal with those
pressures and increase shareholder value while maintaining player morale and
improving customer service."
Reporter: "So, what exactly will you be doing?"
B.S.: "First, we brought in an outside Management Consulting Firm. Just
between you and me, we paid them big bucks! But it was worth it."
Reporter:"Worth it how? What will you be doing?"
B.S.:"Well, for starters, we're downsizing the on-the-field team from nine to six
players."
Reporter:"Uh....did these management consultants actually know how to play
baseball?"
B.S."Probably. Maybe. I don't really know. But that's not the point. They are
top-notch accountants. We plan to increase our operating efficiency 33%."
Reporter:"Fascinating. Any other plans."
B.S.:"We have to be willing to change, you know, flow with the times. Once,
spring training made sense. But in today's highly competitive economy, we
won't be able to afford frills like that."
Reporter: "Cool. No training. That should save some bucks!"
B.S.:"You said it! We have to pay for our big executive bonuses somehow.
After all, we're responsible."
Reporter: "Any other productivity measures?"

2. B.S.: "Well, this inventory of bats, balls, mitts -- I mean that has just gotten out
of hand. Sure, I suppose we should keep a bat for the team, but having all those
individual bats? Nonsense. And, don't get me started on mitts!"
Reporter:"No mitts? Won't that decrease your fielding effectiveness?"
B.S.:"No, we have a Quality Process to improve our fielding effectiveness.
Besides our management consultants pointed out that cricket fielders don't use
mitts."
Reporter: "Well, Mr. B.S., I think the Yankee fans are in for a real -- a really
different experience this season."
B.S.: "Thanks! And, believe me, Wall Street has already taken notice. The
Market to Book value is up 10% already. Just wait till we move into the
football market."
Reporter: "Football?"
B.S.:"Sure. There's no reason at all these ball-players can't make themselves
useful in the off-season by playing football."
Reporter:"Well, with a few exceptions, it takes a different set of skills -- and a
different body type even to ---"
B.S.:"B*** S***! That's what those nambly-pambly unions would like you to
believe. Didn't you play football and baseball when you were a kid? Huh?"
Reporter: "Well, yes, but not at a professional level. I mean...."
B.S."Well, we're going to increase shareholder value. Period. End of
discussion."
INTERVIEW TWO
Reporter: "So, B.S., how is your plan going?"
B.S.: "Great! Fantastic!"
Reporter: "So, you're winning ball games then?"
B.S. "We are meeting all our financial targets for cost-containment. In fact, our
top-notch accounting team has uncovered another big cost savings."

3. Reporter: "Really? What?"
B.S.:"We're going to outsource our pitching. No more high-paid prima donnas!
Nope. We've found a vendor who can provide pitching for 1/10 of our current
costs!"
Reporter: "Hmmm. I don't know. They say, pitching is 80% of baseball."
B.S.: "Exactly, my point, boy!"
Reporter: "Well, are you actually winning games?"
B. S. "I already told you, our costs are down significantly!"
Reporter: "Yes, but when you actually get out on the field, do you score more
points than your opponents?"
B.S. "There are some temporary performance anomalies -- mostly due to bad
weather -- and the lack of cooperation on the part of the Umpire's Union."
Reporter: "Lack of cooperation?"
B.S. "Yes, the Umpire's haven't quite adjusted to the new realities of
competition. Once they make the proper adjustments to the strike zone, I have
every confidence that we will be fully compatible run-wise with others in our
segment of the league."
Reporter: "I see...."
B.S.:"Meanwhile, we're also improving and upgrading our capital
infrastructure."
Reporter: "You mean...the stadium?"
B.S."Exactly. We're replacing the concrete with much newer high-tech
polypropylene glycol embedded stryene."
Reporter: "Oh. Will you be replacing those hard seats?"
B.S. "Seats? Don't be ridiculous. That would be way too expensive."
Reporter: "Well, how will the stadium be different -- from the fan's
perspective?"

4. B.S.: "Fans? Oh, fans. It will be a much more modern, more high-tech
stadium."
Reporter: "So, how will the actual experience of the fans be different?"
B.S. "Did I mention that our stock price has risen 5%? Wall Street knows
what's best for baseball!"
Reporter: "Perhaps, but according to our wire service, you lost last night to
Cleveland, 26-0. That's...."
B.S.:"That's a temporary abberation! I told you! The Umpires have got to get
on board here. We're only asking a proportional shrinkage in the strike zone to
match our cost-containment figures. Our new policies are a success. We don't
need to be questioned by nay-sayers spouting statistics. This interview is over!"
INTERVIEW THREE
Reporter: "So, BS, I hear your team has surpassed the opening losing streak
record of the Pittsburg...."
BS:"Bah! Our expenses are down! Our stock price is UP!"
Reporter: "How about the fans? How's the attendance?"
BS: "Attendance? It takes time for our end users to adjust to the interface
changes, but they will. After all, what are they going to do, take a ride to Seattle
just to watch a live ballgame?"
Reporter: "Well -- or, maybe across town."
BS: "Get serious. It takes less time to get to Seattle. Anyway, we have taken
some of the surplus and hired some systems analysts to help us out. We should
be on a winning streak in no time!"
Reporter: "Wouldn't it maybe make more sense to hire some -- you know,
outfielders, say?"
BS: "You obviously don't know anything about business. That's why they hired
me. Ever hear of the expression 'a level playing field'?"
Reporter: "Yes, but what ... ?"

5. BS: "Well, we are not going to have one! Not much longer! Our system
analysts have designed a system to tilt the entire stadium on command. So -- in
short, our ball-players will be hitting DOWNSLOPE while the opposition will
be hitting UPHILL! Come on. Tell me I'm brilliant!"
Reporter: "Uh, you're brilliant, but -- ah -- won't your opponents object?"
BS: "Who cares? Our lawyers have combed the rule book and the UCC and
NOWHERE does it mention anything about not tilting the earth!"
Reporter: "Well, maybe not specifically, but surely on the basic principles of
fair play...."
BS: "Ha hah hahahahhh! Oh, you really crack me up! 'Basic Principles of Fair
Play!' Oh, that's rich. That's realllllly rich. Yes. Good one. Listen, sucker, if you
can get away with it, it's what you do! Have you been asleep? Ever hear of
tobacco companies? How about the Ford Pinto? Billionaire Milliken? Get
real!"
Reporter: "Still....somehow, I always thought of baseball as a sport."
BS: "Oh, right. And, I always thought of Howard Stern as Marilyn Monroe.
Geez. Our profits will soar! Our profits will soar! Oh, so many plans. Fewer
squares! Fewer innings! Fines for foul balls! Fines for run homes! Fines...."
Reporter: "Excuse me, did you say 'run homes'?"
BS: "Yeah, those things -- don't you call them run homes -- where the guy loses
the baseball? Talk about waste!"
Reporter: "Those are Home Runs. That's one good way to win ball games."
BS: "Yeah, whatever. Maybe to you. To me, they are an unnecessary waste.
Just like second square."
Reporter: "Second square? You mean, 'second base'?"
BS: "Whatever. That little square bag out there in the middle of the sandyfield."
Reporter: "Have you ever actually played baseball?"
BS: "Me? I was too busy for frills, my friend. Too busy making my first
million. And I did it through hard work and ingenuity. I did it in high school. It

6. wasn't easy either. Do you know how many of those little first grade brats you
have to shake down for lunch money just to get a thousand bucks?"