2. Prep Work: De-Escalate,
Diffuse & Decompress
• Creating a safe place
• Assess for risk
• Balance of empathy & boundaries
• No “snowballing”
3. 1)Become Rooted in
the Present
the Present
• Pause & get grounded
• Take thinking out of past & future
• Mindfulness practices
• Deep breathing, yoga
• Meditation (Kabat-Zinn, Deepak
Chopra)
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now”
4. 2)Avoid a Knee-Jerk
Reaction
• Avoid a fight or flight response
• Avoid engaging in a tug-of-war
• Don’t lock horns
• Detach from ego
• Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”
5. 3)Zoom Out & Gain
Perspective
• A blip in time
• See the big picture
• Detachment
• Unhook from the minutia
6. 4)Avoid Behaviors that Add
Fuel to the Fire
• Dr. John Gottman (www.gottman.com)
• Criticism
• Contempt
• Stonewalling
• Defensiveness
7. 5) “Observe, Don’t Absorb”
• Concept by Ross Rosenberg, author of
The Human Magnet Syndrome
• YouTube video: shttp://
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io15t9V5bXc
• Consider a “Reboot”
8. 6)Focus on What you Can
Control & Let Go of the Rest
• Can’t change other people
• Can’t control the outcome
• Can change your thoughts, behaviors,
reactions
• “How people treat you is their karma,
how you react is yours,” Wayne Dyer.
9. 7)Use Assertive
Communication
• Neither passive, aggressive, nor passive-aggressive
• “I” statements
• Clear boundaries (cloudtownsend.com)
• No triangulation
10. 8)Speak with Integrity
• Speak from place of sadness rather than
anger
• Before speaking, ask yourself, “Is it kind,
is it necessary, is it true?”
• Be the person you want to be regardless
of how the other is behaving
11. 9)Process the Grief
• Clearing the grief clarifies the conflict
and expedites resolution--conflict is a
way to stay connected to the relationship
• Grieving what could have been
• Work toward acceptance
12. 10) Make Amends
& Forgive
& Forgive
• Take responsibility for yourself & make
timely and sincere amends
• Practice forgiveness of self & others
• Resentment keeps us tethered to the past
• Anger affects mental & physical health
• “Resentment is like drinking poison and
then hoping it will kill your enemies,”
Nelson Mandela.
Thank you---grateful to Michele Lowrance for inviting me, honored to be with you today.
These are for you as the practictioner to use for yourself in your work with your clients, to suggest to your clients and to understand that this is what clinicians do with your clients.
rapport
respect
trust
Parenting
Tolerance for the madness
Jamie and MG and phones--ridiculous
good for stress management
awareness
consciousness
being less reactive
pain of the past (ruminating, second guessing)--fear of the future (obsessing)
Good for the practictioner---mediator, attorney
good for stress management
awareness
consciousness
being less reactive
pain of the past--fear of the future
Good for the practictioner---mediator, attorney
Healthy separation--watching on a movie theater, from a train window, the observer, EMDR
It’s not about Matt Lauer
text and facebook warfare
examples
coach your clients to make a list of these things
Jenn Panning
This will clear out the cobwebs and make the conflict more clear--what is it you are really fighting about
All relationships come into our lives for a reason
no such thing as a failed marriage
If I can be a resource to your or your clients
public speaking, training, blogs, therapy, anger management classes