When Socrates went to court in 399BC, the charges were odd, the sentence was death, and he has 500 jurors as his audience. The 'Apology' that he gave remains one of the finest examples of what not to do. (These slides come from a talk I did via video conference at work, while drinking a glass of wine. True story.)

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The Worst
Apology Ever.
Athens, 399BC

2. 3 familiar things about ancient Athens
1. Olympics 2. Democracy 3. Jury duty
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Mmmmm….free food…
WTF is up with
Kim Dotcom?
Can’t we just
toss a coin?

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Socrates
• Taught Plato, i.e. founded
Western philosophy
• World-class shit-stirrer
• Taken to court in 399BC, due to
afore-mentioned personality trait

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The Socratic method
Hey, you’re smart, and
I’m dumb. Can we chat
so I can learn from you?
Sure, sounds fun.
Can you tell good stuff
from bad stuff?
Yep, easy…

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…3 minutes later…
But what does ‘good’
actually mean?
Stop asking that.
…
You’re a dick, Socrates.

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…decades later:
Oh no! I’ve
antagonised
people so much
that I’ve ended
up in court.
LOL

7. Meet the jury: 500 angry men
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Is this the Kim
Dotcom trial?
No, he’s hiding
in a country
that no-one’s
discovered yet.

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The charges
• Inventing new gods
• Making weak arguments appear
better than strong arguments
• Corrupting the youth
Are those even crimes?

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The sentence
Death by poisoning
But if he’s guilty, Socrates gets
to make a counter-offer, and the
jury choose

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The Apology
• Written by Plato, quoting
Socrates
• Recounts the entire trial
• Illustrates what not to do in
court, in 12 easy steps

11. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
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1. Attack your opponents
Illiterate
Totally insolent and incredulous
Contemptuous
Your indictment must have been a joke

12. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
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2. Attack the entire jury, and
their parents
More frightening are the
accusers who filled your
ears with stories when you
were children, and you
couldn’t think.

13. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
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3. Humblebrag about how a god
called you the cleverest man on
the planet
I may seem to be boasting a bit, but…
…the Oracle at Delphi
actually said that there’s
no-one wiser than me.

14. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
4. Say you’re on a mission from god
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I thought: ‘it’s a riddle’, and
I made my business with
the god my first priority.

15. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
5. Insult all the smart people in town
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So I approached a wise individual -
a political expert - and examined
him. He appeared wise, but wasn’t.
Well, that made him hate me!

16. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
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6. Repeat step 5, just to be sure
So I went on to someone else,
supposedly wiser, and reached the
same conclusion…
…and became an
object of hate for him.

17. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
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7. Insult everyone else
There was nothing for me to do but approach
everyone with a reputation for knowing something.
A great superfluity of people who
think they know something, but
actually know very little. Or nothing.

18. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
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8. Play the victim
A lot hatred from a lot of people
will convict me – the malicious
slander of people in general.

19. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
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9. Then get all righteous and brave
A person who’s of any use shouldn’t
take dying into account.

20. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
10. Compare yourself to heroes and
demi-gods, like Achilles
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Achilles looked down
on death and danger!
(Just like me!)
You’re a dick, Socrates.

21. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
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11. Claim to be a war hero
I risked death when commanded
against Sparta at Potiaea or
Amphipolis or Delium*
*maybe

22. What not to do in court
A 12-step guide from the greatest philosopher ever
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12. Call yourself ‘god’s gift’, literally
Far from defending myself,
I’m defending you, so that you
don’t make a mistake with the
god’s gift to you by casting
your votes against me.

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The verdict

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The verdict
GUILTY: 280 NOT GUILTY: 220

25. Sentencing
• Socrates gets to propose an alternative to death
• Which means he gets to talk again
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• And this is my favourite bit

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Sentencing
A 1-step guide to screwing this bit up, too
What penalty shall I put
forward? The one I deserve?
I deserve something good.
Nothing fits better than to be fed better
than those who win at the Olympics.
Because I make you happy.

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The verdict

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The verdict: Death
Can’t take a joke

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The verdict: Death
It’sC aan ’fta tiark ree as juoklte.

30. The moral of the story
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• If someone annoys you, get
together with 499 of your peers
and kill ‘em.
• But he might end up starting a
2,500-year long philosophical
tradition that makes you look a bit
unwise.