Challenging conversations are those everyday interactions that significantly affect you and others. They differ from ordinary dialogue because the opinions of the participants may vary, the emotions are high and the stakes are significant. The way in which you deal with these important discussions can have a positive or negative result and can change the course of your relationship. Learn the tools to handle life’s most difficult conversations, say what’s on your mind, and achieve positive outcomes. Challenging confrontations consists of face-to-face accountability discussions where someone has disappointed you and you talk to him or her directly. When handled well, the problem is resolved and the relationship benefits. New research demonstrates that these disappointments aren’t just irritating – they’re costly, sapping organizational performance by 20 to 50 percent. Learn to permanently resolve failed promises and missed deadlines, transform broken rules and bad behaviors into productive accountability and strengthen relationships while solving problems. At the heart of mastering these challenges is the ability to engage in and maintain dialogue. Masters of dialogue create an atmosphere where everyone feels safe about adding his or her own views to the “shared pool” of ideas being expressed. The skills are critical to the success of all leadership roles. Active participants will increase their awareness of the challenging conversations and confrontations as well as hands-on tips and techniques on how to manage them effectively. Learning Objectives: 1. How do I deal spontaneously with challenging conversations (where opinions vary, emotions are high and stakes are significant)? 2. How can I resolve problems where I have been disappointed by employee accountability and avoid unnecessary costs and strained relationships? 3. How do I develop and environment where people can carry on a dialogue and feel safe expressing their own view.

1. Challenging
Conversations

2. Communication &
Perception
How many legs
do you see?

3. Strive first to understand,
then be understood
Everyone wants to heard and understood for
who they are. Each person wants to be
appreciated and valued.
When you listen, magic happens.
Listening allows a leader to been seen as a
servant, not parent, judge, or critic. Listening
builds others. Listening builds trust.

4. What are we really saying?
Words
Tone Body
Language
Communication is 7% about WHAT you say
and 93% about WHO you say it to!
7%
55%
38%
How do you think the communication pie is divided?

5. Definition
com·mu·ni·ca·tion
• an act or instance of transmitting
• a process by which information is exchanged
between individuals through a common system
of symbols, signs, or behavior
communication
• c.1384, "to impart, share," lit. "to make common”

6. Model for Communication

7. Challenging Conversations
A discussion between
two of more people
when two or more
people where:
(1) stakes are high
(2) opinions vary, and
(3) emotions run strong
McKinley Solutions Inc. © 7

8. T-Charts - Activity
What did I want to say? What did I really say?

9. McKinley Solutions Inc. © 9
Leadership and
Challenging Conversations
For a conversation to qualify as a “crucial
conversation” it has to have an impact on
the quality of your life.
Does
employee
feedback
have an
impact on
life?
Can it be
touchy and
sensitive?
Can employee
feedback be a
challenging
conversation?

10. When we face
Challenging Conversations
we have 3 choices…

11. Choice #1
1. We can avoid them.

12. Choice #2
2. We can face them and handle them poorly.

13. Choice #3
3. We can face them and handle them well.
continue

17. Choosing to Have the
Conversation
• At times we can plan how we want a
conversation to go.
• Other times, the conversation is spontaneous.
• You have to be prepared to accept the
consequences of any conversation you have.

19. Introduction
Practice
doesn’t
make
perfect –
but perfect
practice
makes
perfect.

20. Why is this so important?

21. What are the results of NOT having
challenging conversations?
• Low employee
morale
• Reduced efficiencies
• Increased costs
• Project delays
You can’t hide forever!

22. CrucialConversations
More than just in the workplace…
• These conversational
skills are not just for
the workplace.
• These conversational
skills can improve
your relationships,
revitalize your
community and
improve your personal
health.

23. The Power of Dialogue
Dialogue: The free flow of meaning between
two or more people
Pool of Shared Meaning
– Composed of thoughts and feelings; informs
us and propels us into action
– Results when everyone feels safe
– Enhances people’s willingness to act on
their decisions

24. Pool Of Shared
Meaning
Shared meaning is
composed of
thoughts and
feelings (ours and
theirs) and informs
and propels us into
action.
SharedMeaning

25. SharedMeaning
Benefits of a Shared Pool
of Meaning
1. Successful dialogue results when everyone
feels safe enough to add their meaning to the
shared pool of meaning
2. Shared meaning enhances people’s willingness
to act on their decisions.

26. Know What You Really Want
Conversation. Focus on What you
Want Out of the ConversationAsQ: What do I really want:
 for myself?
 for the other person?
 for the relationship?
 for the organization?

27. Words Speak Volumes
Move from “but” to “and” mentality.
StartWithHeart

28. Learn to Recognize
Challenging
Conversations
The sooner you notice you’re not in
dialogue, the quicker you can get back to
dialogue, and lower the cost.

29. What is your Style Under
Stress?
Style Under Stress Quiz

30. SILENCE: purposefully withholding information
from the dialogue. Used to avoid creating a
problem. Always restricts the flow of meaning.
Common forms of silence:
MASKING: understating or selectively showing what you
actually think. Sarcasm, Sugarcoating, Couching, etc.
AVOIDING: not addressing the real issues. Changing
subject, Shifting the focus to others, etc.
WITHDRAWING: not engaging in the conversation any
longer. Exiting conversation or room all together.
Style Under Stress Quiz

31. Style Under Stress Quiz
VIOLENCE: convincing, controlling, or
compelling others to your viewpoint. Violates
safety by forcing meaning into the pool.
Common forms:
CONTROLLING: coercing others to your way of
thinking. Cutting others off, overstating your facts,
speaking in absolutes, dominating conversation.
LABELING: stereotyping or categorizing people.
Name-calling, generalizing
ATTACKING: belittling or threatening others

32. Learn to Look
for 2 things:
•When the
conversation turns
challenging
• People don’t feel
safe

33. When a Conversation
Turns Challenging…
1.Clarify what you really want.
2.Clarify what you really don’t
want.
3.Present your brain with a
more complex problem.

34. Learn to Look:
Content and Conditions
There is a need for Dual‐
Processing during
challenging
conversations:
–Look at content
(what)
–Look at conditions
(why)

35. Make It Safe:
Purpose and Respect
When others move to silence
or violence, STEP OUT.
3.MakeItSafe

36. Make It Safe:
Purpose and Respect
Which condition of safety is at risk?
Mutual Purpose
Do others believe you care about
their goals?
Mutual Respect
Do others believe you respect
them?

37. 3.MakeitSafe
Apologize and Contrast
Apologize when you have
made a mistake.
Contrast to fix
misunderstandings.
 Start with what you
don't intend or mean.
 Then explain what you
do intend or mean

38. 3.MakeitSafe
Try to Contrast
I don’t
want to….
I do want
to…

39. Harness Your Emotions
If we take control of our
emotions and stories, they
won’t control us.
4.MasterYourStories

40. Feel Act
See/ hear Tell A Story Feel Act

41. State Your Path
 SHARE your facts
 TELL your story (facts + conclusion)
 ASK for others’ paths (humility)
 TALK tentatively
 ENCOURAGE testing ‐ make it safe for
others to express differing views
Talking tools for sensitive topics

42. Learning to Listen
Effective communication begins with
effective listening, such that you build
trust and work toward achieving
insight through a step by step process.

43. Listening Defined
“Be a good listener. Your ears
will never get you in trouble.”
~ Frank Tyger

44. • For leisure and pleasure
• To take part in a dialogue or discussion
• To gather information
• To receive instructions
• To comprehend
• To get the essence of what is being said
Reasons we Listen

45. Benefits of Effective Listening Skills for
Personal Growth and Development
Learning the skill of Effective Listening benefits
personal development and relationships:
• Effective Communication
• Decreased Misconceptions
• Stronger Connections
• Personal Development

46. Hearing Listening≠
Listening is an active process of communication
that involves comprehending or understanding
the meaning of what is being said before a
response is made.

47. The stages of the listening
process occur in sequence:
1. Hearing
2. Attention
3. Understanding
4.Remembering
5.Evaluating
6.Responding

48. Stages in the Listening
Process
Hearing Attention Understanding Remembering Evaluating Responding

49. Asking the Right Questions
Closed-ended questions allow for dichotomous
answers: Yes/No - True/False - This/That
It encourages short or single-word answers.
Open-ended questions encourage full, meaningful
answers.
It draws out the speaker’s own knowledge and
emotions.

50. Active Listening
4 Listening Tools for helping others
share their paths to action
–ASK them to tell their stories
–MIRROR to confirm feelings
–PARAPHRASE to acknowledge their story
–PRIME when you’re getting nowhere

51. Move to Action:
Decision Making
 Command: Decisions made by authority
 Consult: Input gathered from the group.
 Vote: An agreed-upon percentage swings the
decision.
 Consensus: Everyone comes to an
agreement and supports the final decision.

52. Finish Clearly
 Determine who does what by when.
 Make deliverables crystal clear.
 Set a follow‐up time.
 Record the commitments and then
follow up.
 Finally, hold people accountable to
their promises.

53. Feedback is all about
INFORMATION
Feedback can be positive, negative or simply neutral.
Without feedback, the performer is like a blind worker.
The failure to perform feedback is a feedback itself: NO
FEEDBACK, and communicates the message that no
one cares about performance or the performer.
People want to excel. And to know how they are doing,
they need feedback information.

54. Asking the Right Questions
Closed-ended questions allow for
dichotomous answers:
Yes/No - True/False - This/That
It encourages short or single-word answers
Open-ended questions encourage full,
meaningful answers
It draws out the speaker’s own
knowledge and emotions

55. Ten Common Mistakes in
Giving Feedback
1.The feedback judges individuals, not actions.
2.The feedback is too vague.
3.The feedback speaks for others
4.Negative feedback gets sandwiched
between positive messages.
5.The feedback is exaggerated with
generalities.

56. Ten Common Mistakes in
Giving Feedback
6.The feedback psychoanalyzes the motives
behind behaviour.
7.The feedback goes on too long.
8.The feedback contains an implied threat.
9.The feedback uses inappropriate humour.
10.The feedback is a question, not a
statement.

57. 4 - Step
Feedback Model
Step 1 Identify the behavior
Step 2 Describe the effects of behavior
Step 3 Describe change you would like to see
Step 4 Gain commitment to change

58. Characteristics of a
Good Feedback System
P – Performance standard oriented
E – Easily understandable
R – Routed to the right person
F – Frequent
O – On target
R – Relevant
M – Measurable
E – Expressed positively
R – Real and Honest
S – Self-administered

59. The Coaching Concept
Evaluate to determine knowledge,
skill and confidence levels.
Define objectives that can be
measured periodically.
Clarify direction, goals and accountability.
Encourage peer coaching.

60. The Coaching Concept
Coaching involves giving advice, skills building,
creating challenges, removing barriers, building
better processes, learning through discovery, etc.
Deal with emotional obstacles by
helping them through change.
Give feedback.
Lead by example.

61. Clear Direction?
• Where are you going?
Clear Strategy?
• How are you going to get there?
Clear set of Expectations?
• What does your team expect
from you ?
• What do you expect from the
team?
61McKinley Solutions Inc. ©
The Challenge of Change

62. 1. Why are we changing?
2. What is in it for me?
3. What can we/I to do
differently?
4. What tools/support do we
have?
5. How will we be
measured?
© 2011 McKinley Solutions
Guiding Questions

63. STOP-START-CONTINUE
Individual & Group Challenge:
Use a Start-Stop-Continue
template to create specific
action for yourself
63McKinley Solutions Inc. ©
Take Action Now

65. Mark R. Thompson
w: www.mckinleysolutions.com
e: mark@mckinleysolutions.com
t: 888-769-1577
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