1. www.xperient.co.uk
Xperient LLP is a Limited Liability Partnership registered in England and Wales
Registered Office: 10 Harpurs Road Glemsford Sudbury Suffolk CO10 7RN
General Enquiries: 07983 563145 Email: info@xperient.co.uk
Confidence: what does it mean to you?
by Nicola Burnett Smith of Xperient Training Consultancy
Why is it that some people seem to be effortlessly confident? They seem so
relaxed, not reactive to stress but calmly and energetically assessing risk
and taking appropriate action, keeping things in proportion, laughing at
themselves and seeming to be unafraid of others laughing at them, simply
knowing what’s right, unafraid of making mistakes: a natural leader,
thoughtful and adult, assertive and honest.
Sometimes it gets to a point where you look at yourself and think: why have
I not had the easy success that those other people have had? I’m just as
clever, talented, knowledgeable, fair… and yet somehow I haven’t been
rewarded for my qualities like other people have. And you think - I need to
be more confident. Maybe that’s it.
Many employees are lucky to have had a lot of money spent on developing
their 'soft skills’. And you can be sure that if your employer is investing in
you in that way, it must be because they know it will improve the bottom
line and help fill the company’s coffers. In the meantime the (probably!)
fortunate employee is getting quality feedback on their impact on others.
However if you haven’t worked for an employer who makes that type of
investment then you may never have received focussed insights on what it is
that makes you most likely to be successful and happy in yourself and in
your work. Perhaps the training you’ve had has all been technical or perhaps
you are a freelancer or maybe you work in an industry where you are left to
sink or swim. This can mean that you are left bemused as to why certain
relationships are easy and some are difficult, why some levels of success
seem to be mysteriously denied you and why you find some situations
consistently confusing and challenging. Sometimes you feel you have to
take personal responsibility for your development and it is hard to know
where to look and where to start.
20 years ago I started working as a professional business roleplayer. I was
lucky enough to sit and watch training presentations given by skilled
facilitators as part of complex programmes paid for by some of the most
successful businesses in the world. I learned how to make good use of the
most compelling psychological models favoured by the business world. As
my work in that field grew, I had the opportunity to put those lessons into
practise over and over again in the roleplay-coaching sessions that I now
facilitate and design myself.
Hindsight being a wonderful thing, I look back now on my earlier career in
the entertainment business and remember how I was when I first left
university. When I entered the job market I simply felt my way forwards in a
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random yet energetic way, based on what I had learned from my family,
education, environment and all the other jobs I had done up to that point. I
had very little conscious knowledge of how to influence others to get the
work I really wanted. I thought that if I worked hard, was conscientious and
creative and positive, professional and responsible, I would get my reward. I
wistfully ponder now on how much I might have achieved had I had some
(or any) of the type of attention to my influencing skills that the people I
work with in the business world have had. Instead, I lurched in a well-
meaning fog from one opportunity to the next, sometimes totally missing
the point and gradually realising that I was under a ceiling and I couldn’t
work out why I wasn’t getting to the next floor.
And I’m not the only one: some of my coaching clients have told me that
they reached retirement before they focused on their communication skills
in any meaningful way. Finally they have approached me or my business
partner Ian for help with, for example, writing a wedding speech or
preparing a talk for their favourite charity. The work we do together then
stimulates a wealth of hindsight about their own path through life: ‘If only I
had done this sooner’, they say.
It's very hard to unravel the reasons for a lack of confidence on your own. In
the work that we now do with our own company, Xperient, our passion is to
help people to have 'lightbulb moments' about what moves them forward or
holds them back.
Recently I have worked more and more with private individuals who want to
improve their self-awareness. In the beginning of my career as a roleplayer I
worked only with people within the construct of a training event and as I
said earlier, I realised quickly how much the bottom line influenced the
investment. Although my job was to keep an eye on the ‘learning
objectives’, I knew that the main purpose was to use the personal
development of the employee as a means to a strategic, financial end. To
have had that much attention is fortunate and no one wants to look a gift
horse in the mouth. However for me, there is great satisfaction in working
with people who have rarely had this opportunity and with those who want
to examine their personal impact away from the scrutiny of their employer.
The theme that comes up in these sessions again and again is ‘confidence’.
From nervous young unemployed men to women who don’t understood why
they haven’t been promoted, lifelong housewives who want to move into a
profession, proud parents who want to make a wedding speech, applicants
for University or Drama School, all of our clients want to have a better
understanding of their own impact on others and increase their
assertiveness, confidence and presentation skills. Through the practical
exercises that we do, we unlock fundamental concerns and have seen
robust change. It is exhilarating and humbling.
In the coming year we are extending this work by running a series of group
workshops with open access to the public. Away from the workplace, in a
supportive environment, we will give each participant hours of detailed
attention. The presence of other committed participants gives increased
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opportunity for learning and there will be a high ratio of participant to
facilitator. It’s an exciting project that we feel very passionate about and it
brings together twenty years of experience of what works best.
What will we actually do in the workshop? At first, it is not always easy or
obvious to identify what can be done to unlock the barriers to increased
confidence as they can be buried deep. Some of our clients have anxieties
that they may have never before expressed; fear of what others might think
of them, wanting to keep everybody happy, wanting to do it perfectly or not
bother doing it at all; perhaps they have unconscious biases that lead to
assumptions and judgements, a fixed perspective or opinion that lacks a
more open-minded attitude, an unwillingness to try new things possibly
routed in a fear of change; or personality traits e.g. ‘too introvert’ or ‘too
extravert’; a feeling of low self esteem or an arrogance; a tendency to allow
emotions to take over or a tendency to be driven only by logic without
considering human elements; a deep rooted parental message that has
formed how we should behave in life or think about certain people and
situations; a lack of self awareness, little analysis or curiosity about why we
have made the choices we have…
This creates an attitude or mindset that affects the behaviours that are
visible to others. So, ultimately the main barrier to progression or feeling
confident is - yourself. In order to survive and protect, we build a wall
around ourselves made of thoughts and feelings that can sometimes be
very negative.
The strength of our style of behavioural coaching lies in the many, creative
ways we help our clients to have a real experience, bespoke to their
situation, in a safe environment. This can be a ‘realplay’ where we recreate a
meeting with a person that they find challenging or where we explore
different ways of approaching a difficult conversation that is looming ahead
in real time. Over the years we have created a book of practical exercises
that we can delve into in most situations. In doing a practical, experiential
exercise we create an opportunity for insight based on feedback that is
utterly credible and undeniable. Helpful changes in behaviour are much
more likely to occur when based on a real experience – that is, not just
someone else’s ‘expert’ opinion or branded theory. And with a practical
approach like this we can approach the situation with kindness, curiosity, a
sense of proportion and patience.
We both feel inspired to help people to achieve the easy confidence that
makes life more rewarding. We invite people from all walks of life to come
along to our workshops and share a day focussing on that elusive, common
question of: Confidence. What does it mean to you? Everyone is unique. We
are looking forward to unravelling the puzzle that makes you who you are
and helping you to fill in the missing pieces.
