Difficult Conversations RA Training Winter 2017

DIFFICULT
CONVERSATIONS
M A K E T H E M E A S I E R !

OVERVIEW
1. Examples of a Difficult Conversation
2. Define the components of a Difficult Conversation
3. Strategies for approaching these conversations
differently
4. Think Pair Share time
5. Wrap Up

SO THERES A DOG BARKING
OUTSIDE……

WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT?
• Do you ask your neighbors to do something?
• What does that mean about you as a person if you
ask them?
• How would you even tell them? Are they still going
to like you?
• Why haven’t they heard it and stopped their dog?

SUGAR COATING DOESN’T HELP!
• No matter how much you sugar coat and cover with glitter
your hard and fast message about what the other person is
doing wrong, or needs to fix, there is no way its not going to
explode in the end – either on them, or on you if you just
keep the feelings and thoughts to yourself.
• YOU GOTTA TALK ABOUT IT!

THE ROSS AND VANESSA STORY
•Ross Logan and Vanessa Van Dyke are Area
Directors at different schools. Ross Logan works
at East University, and Vanessa works at West
University.
•Ross and Vanessa went to grad school together
at North University, and are great friends and
colleagues, and have maintained their close
friendship over the last 5 years.

• One fine day – Ross calls Vanessa to ask for her help
on an upcoming project that Ross has due the next
day. Ross is in a tight pinch, and needs Vanessa’s help
in creating a presentation for RA Training. Ross has
reached out for help with these kinds of projects
before, and although Ross didn’t always think Vanessa
did a great job on presentations, Ross was in a tight
pinch and knew Vanessa would help out and provide
a good presentation for Ross to use the next day in
RA Training.

• Vanessa was happy to help. Vanessa considered Ross a good
friend and they had a good history of helping each other out.
Vanessa also had a heavy workload on her plate, but Ross
clearly sounded distressed and Vanessa wanted to be able to
help Ross out and be a good friend. Vanessa decided to help
Ross with his presentation, and ended up cancelling her
dinner plans with her husband and worked until one in the
morning to get the presentation done.
• The next morning Ross looks at the PowerPoint presentation
that Vanessa sent and gives her a call:

THE WHAT HAPPENED CONVERSATION
• Who is right?
• Who meant what?
• Who is to blame?

WELL, IM RIGHT AND YOU’RE WRONG.• Aka the Truth Assumption.
Im right that Im smarter than you.
Im right that you drive too
fast.
Im right that you were inappropriate at Thanksgiving.
Im right that the contractor overcharged
me.
Im right that you should live on campus.
Im right that you should have been documented for
noise.
Im right that this is the better Publix.
Im right that Macs are better than
PCs
Im right that your Mom’s cupcakes are
terrible.
Im right that everyone at UM drinks alcohol all the time.
Im right that we should leave the AC on at night.

WELL, IM RIGHT AND YOU’RE WRONG.• Aka the Truth Assumption.
fast.
me.
noise.
PCs
terrible.
fast.
me.
noise.
PCs
m right that your Mom’s cupcakes are
errible.
m right that we should leave the AC on at night.
Im right that you drive to
fast.
Im right that the contractor o
me.
Im right that you should live on
noise.
PCs
terrible.
Im right that everyone at UM drinks alco
ght that Im smarter than you.
fast.
me.
ght that you should have been documented for
e.
PCs
hat we should leave the AC on at night.
fast.
me.
noise.
PCs
Im right that everyone at UM drinks alcohol all the tim
fast.
me.
noise.
PCs
terrible.
What Im
RIGHT
ABOUT

THE WHAT HAPPENED CONVERSATION
• The Truth Assumption
• What were their intentions?
– We assumed we know the intentions of others just like we assume someone’s
invisible parts to their identity.
– We think we know them, but in fact, we do not. And those assumptions get us in
trouble.
• BUT who is to blame?
– Vanessa said she would do the PowerPoint for me. She did it wrong. Its her fault.
100%
– When two small children fight in the back seat, both will be eager to claim the
other started it.
– But does it matter?

THE FEELING CONVERSATION
• AN opera without music
• Difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, at their core they are
ABOUT feelings. They are an integral part of the conflict and thus need to be
considered in the outcome.
• Vanessa feels mistreated and underappreciated after I yelled at her, but she
never actually stated it during the conversation. But she will still retain those
feelings long after the conversation is over. Feelings and conversations have to
stay paired during a difficult conversation to understand the whole picture.
• Engaging in difficult conversations without talking about feelings may save you
from anxiety and may be more efficient, but if feelings are the issue, what are
you addressing if you don’t talk about them?

THE IDENTITY CONVERSATION
• Im just trying to ask my boss for a raise
• Im just trying to tell the neighbors to quiet their dog
• Im just trying to tell my residents they are being too loud
• But inevitably, the conversations is always about YOU. It will always
involve your identity, and you will always be grappling with the fallout of
how the message is perceived and if you are rejected or not, or if it
causes feelings.
• And who is right and wrong and it wouldn’t be a difficult conversation if
your feelings weren’t actually entangled in it. That’s WHAT MAKES IT
DIFFICULT.!

THE LEARNING CONVERSATIONA Battle of Messages A Learning Conversation
The “What
Happened?”
Conversation
Challenge:
The situation is
more complex
than either
person can see.
Assumption: I know all I need to
know to understand what happened.
Goal: Persuade them I’m right.
Assumption: Each of us is bringing different
information and perceptions to the table; there
are likely to be important things that each of us
doesn’t know.
Goal: Explore each other’s stories: how we
understand the situation and why.
Assumption: I know what they
intended.
Goal: Let them know what they did
was wrong.
Assumption: I know what I intended, and the
impact their actions had on me. I don’t and can’t
know what’s in their head.
Goal: Share the impact on me, and find out what
they were thinking. Also find out what impact I’m
having on them.
Assumption: It’s all their fault. (Or it’s all
my fault.)
Goal: Get them to admit blame and take
responsibility for making amends.
Assumption: We have probably both contributed
to this mess.
Goal: Understand the contribution system: how
our actions interact to produce this result.

THE LEARNING CONVERSATION
A Battle of Messages A Learning Conversation
The Feelings
Conversation
Challenge:
The situation
is emotionally
charged.
Assumption: Feelings are irrelevant
and wouldn’t be helpful to share.
(Or, my feelings are their fault and
they need to hear about them.)
Goal: Avoid talking about feelings.
(Or, let ’em have it!)
Assumption: Feelings are the heart of the
situation. Feelings are usually complex. I may
have to dig a bit to understand my feelings.
Goal: Address feelings (mine and theirs)
without judgments or attributions.
Acknowledge feelings before problem
solving.
The Identity
Conversation
Challenge:
The situation
threatens our
identity.
Assumption: I’m competent or
incompetent, good or bad, lovable
or unlovable. There is no in-between.
Goal: Protect my all-or-nothing self-
image.
Assumption: There may be a lot at stake
psychologically for both of us. Each of us is
complex, neither of us is perfect.
Goal: Understand the identity issues on the
line for each of us. Build a more complex self-
image to maintain my balance better.

THE LEARNING CONVERSATION
INSTEAD of trying to persuade others to your point of
view, suddenly the conversations shifts to one of
learning and seeking to understanding the other
person’s point of view and finding a away to educate
and share your own.
– easy to understand, difficult to master!

THE LENS THROUGH WHICH WE
EACH SEE WESTWORLD
• Westworld
• Virtual Reality
• Fake News

THINK PAIR SHARE
• Work with your group to think through your assigned
example. Talk out how this conversation would go. Map out
the three conversations for each person, both you and what
you imagine the other person’s answers would be.
• The “What Happened” Conversation
• The Feelings Conversation
• The Identity Conversation

SCENARIO 1
Group Project – one of your group project members isn’t
pulling their weight, and no one else in the group wants to say
anything, they just want to get the project over with and not let
their grade suffer. They are concerned if they say something
that person will hamper their effort more. They are just glad to
avoid the conflict and work with what minimal effort this
person is providing. You are not. You decide you need to talk
with him. You failed your last test. You need a good grade on
this group project.

SCENARIO 2
Social Media conflict – Your friend posted
something you don’t agree with and you are
pretty sure its about you. They don’t mention you
by name but you still want to address it as the
comments feel hurtful and offensive.

SCENARIO 3
Family conflict - You are telling your family
you want to change majors, and they have
already expressed to you that if you chose
to do this, they would not be happy about
it.

HOW DO YOU USE THIS
INFORMATION FROM HERE?
• What are the takeaways – where as an RA do these conversation tools apply?
• With residents?
• OS?
• A/AD?
• Peers?

Difficult Conversations RA Training Winter 2017

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