Abdulrahman Al Baalharith May 10, 2020 UNST 194 Journal.docx

Abdulrahman Al Baalharith
May 10, 2020
UNST 194
Journal #3
As I am a junior student in college, there are many things that
worries me while I
am studying. Today, I am going to share a situation related to
what I am worried about
the most as a college student. Eventually, what worries me most
in my life as a college
student is the grade level of my classes, and making a
relationship with friends. So, the
two problems that I am going to talk about are the grades and
the relationship. As well
as the self-limiting believes of the problems that trying to
convince me.
For example, I am a hardworking student in my studies and I
always try to get
the heights grades and excel all other students. However,
sometimes I get confused
and stressed out if I have an exam or even homework. I just
keep telling myself that I
won’t be able to do it, pass it, and even to pass the course and
get a high mark. But,
after the exam and have a feedback of my homework, I
reassured myself that I studied
and performed well. Furthermore, making a relationship with
other friends makes me
feel uncomfortable. My friends keep telling me that it is good
for everyone to have

many friends and be social. But what happened to me in the past
made me careful of
not to trust everyone who wants to be a friend with me. Couple
years ago, my best
friend was sick and I was with my friend all the time in the
hospital. After several days,
my friend got out of the hospital and I noticed that she is not
the person that I know. I
have heard from several friends complaining about my friend
and I went to ask my
friend about it if it’s true or not. My friend agreed with what
they said and after that
didn’t want me to be a friend with him/her. One more thing, the
experience that I
recognize from this story is that if I get rid of this stress that
makes my life negative, my
studies will be much more better. Also, not to trust everyone.
The greatest risk to me as a college student if I were to fully
adopt those self-
limited beliefs is that when I put those believes in my head, I
won’t be able to achieve
my goals and success. Furthermore, when I reflect on the
problem-saturated story that
I have shared, there are many non-cognitive skills that I have
learned about that would
need to focus on developing most to address the problem. The
first non-cognitive skill
is that if I keep in mind that I will be able to get a high mark in
all my classes, stress
and nothing else will prevent me from doing it. The second non-
cognitive skill is that if I
also keep in my mind that not all people are the same and I can
make a better
relationship with friends, then everything will be better than I

thought. Lastly, there are
a statement about why it will be helpful for me to commit to
developing these
problems. One of these statement is that it is very important for
everyone to develop
their fears in order to be success in their life.
|04|managing FEELINGS and
EMOTIONS
“Feel the feeling but
don’t become the emotion.
Witness it. Allow it.
Release it.”
Anonymous
FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS | 60
Where We Have Been
In Chapter 3, you were introduced to the concept of “problem-
saturated stories.” Understanding problem-saturated
stories is an important first step in comprehending a core

principle of the narrative coaching approach. We explored
how and why, for most of us, it is easy to find ourselves
immersed in problematic interpretations of events in our lives,
time and time again. We learned how this can keep us short-
sighted and stuck in outdated patterns of thinking that
diminish our creativity and resourcefulness and impact our
current and future choices.
You were also introduced to the concept of “confirmation bias.”
By understanding this phenomenon, you set the
stage to free yourself from past and habituated tendencies
toward unexamined narratives that have the potential to
shape how you see yourself, and what outcomes you expect to
achieve, based on those beliefs.
Where We Are Going
We will cover a lot of territory in this chapter, starting with
understanding your feelings and emotions. From an early
age, many of us were not taught or encouraged to understand,
name, or express the full spectrum of our feelings.
While growing up, perhaps you were told that only some
feelings were considered acceptable, while others were
not (Figure 1). This is not because the people in your life did
not care. Most likely, they wanted to make sure that you
were prepared for a competitive and sometimes unkind world—
starting with the dynamics of the playground and the
challenges of the sports field, and extending into the demands
of the boardroom. Many adults never developed the
insight and awareness to pass along more effective coping skills
for dealing with difficult or painful emotions.
Gearing Up
» To begin to understand where feelings and emotions come
from and how you
experience them

» To begin to understand and explore how influential feelings
and emotions are in
creating your sense of identity and personal narrative
» To begin to practice updating your current relationship to
your feelings
and emotions and expanding the words you use to define your
emotional
experiences
» To begin to learn and practice strategies like breathing
exercises, mindfulness
and meditation in order to prepare you to be more calm, present
and resilient
Figure 1. As a child, you may have
been told not to express certain
feelings.
With this in mind, and with the appreciation that the journey
from enrollment to graduation is riddled with many
moments that can provoke emotions (some of which can then
escalate to mindset problems and disempowered
narratives), it’s necessary to start to understand where emotions
come from, how influential they are in creating
our sense of self, and how learning and practicing strategies
will enable you to feel more prepared and resilient in
managing them.
In this chapter, you will initially be learning the neuroscience
behind emotions. You will then transition into exploring

and practicing how to more consciously react to your emotions
so that the feelings you experience as a result of them
are more manageable and less likely to hijack a more preferred
personal narrative.
As you read this chapter, pay close attention to how your
understanding of problem-saturated stories and
confirmation bias support your growing understanding of
feelings and emotions. However, notice how your beliefs
can be distorted through the lens of your emotional experience,
as can how you become aware of what you’re
capable of and how you perceive your world. You are about to
learn you have a lot more control over how you
experience your feelings and emotions, than perhaps you’ve
ever realized.
We Are Emotional Beings
Regardless of how you define yourself, because you are human,
you experience emotions, a natural instinctive state of
mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships
with others. Some people may live in their emotions
more deeply and intimately than others, but from the time you
were an infant, you encounter emotions. As you start
to familiarize yourself with the neuroscience behind your
emotions and practice the steps outlined in this chapter, you
will become more proficient when powerful or uncomfortable
emotions threaten to throw you off balance.
Figure 2. We can look at emotions
and feelings as two sides of the same
coin: One side is physical (body), the
other is mental (mind).
What’s the Difference Between Emotions and Feelings?

Most of us tend to use the words emotion and feeling
interchangeably. If you were not about to
take a deeper dive into understanding your emotions and
feelings and how pivotal they are to
shaping your personal narrative and well being, this lack of
distinction would be just fine. But, for
the purpose of more clearly understanding the importance of
this material and your ability to apply
it, it’s important to clearly define and differentiate them and
how they are commonly used and
understood. Cindy Meyer, P.h.D.,1 suggests we look at
emotions and feelings as two sides of the
same coin (Figure 2):
“One side of the coin is an emotion: a physical response to
change that is almost hard-
wired and universal. The other side of the coin is your feeling:
mental associations and
other reactions to an emotion that are personal, acquired
through experience. Despite
seeming the same, emotions actually proceed feelings. Like with
coins, what you notice will
depend upon where you are looking.”
Emotion
a natural instinctive state of mind
deriving from one’s circumstances,
mood, or relationships with others
Feeling
an emotional state or reaction
influenced by the meaning you
assign to the emotion

Let’s examine this further: again, emotions are hard-wired and
we all have them. Let’s use as examples of emotions
ones we can all relate to like fear, anger and joy. For example,
if a masked man were to unexpectedly jump out at you
in a dark alley, you, like most, might understandably experience
fear. If someone were to come into your home and
spray paint your most valued possession, it’s safe to say you
might experience anger. And lastly, while watching your
favorite team score the winning goal in a tight match, you’re
likely to experience something that resembles joy. These
are all examples of emotions. They are not something we
ruminate on or have cultivated over the course of our lives,
but something we experience in direct response to an event or
situation and tend to be more automatic in nature.
Now, a feeling on the other hand, is the reaction to the emotion
and comes after you experience it. Let’s return to the
anger/spray paint scenario: you may have mental associations to
both the emotion of anger, as well as to the scenario
of someone violating a prized possession of yours. Perhaps you
have felt violated or disrespected in other areas
of your life, and so in addition to the anger you initially felt,
you then also begin to harbor feelings of resentment,
bitterness and maybe even a desires for revenge and it is far too
easy to create a spiraling effect with these feelings.
These feelings surface after the initial experience of anger, and
are fueled by your own personal history with anger, as
well as the associations you begin to make around the emotion
and the event. Feelings can easily shape our personal
narratives, and for this reason are important to pay attention to.
Additionally, you may experience mixed emotions.
What if you learn that the person who hurt you, is also someone
you love? We are often hurt by the people we love

most which can leave us contending with feelings that may be in
conflict with one another, like resentment and
affection.
The Role Stress Plays in Shaping our Feelings
You will have so many experiences as a student—some of which
will fill you with joy, excitement, exhilaration, and
pride. For many of you, college will be one of the happiest
times of your life, but not always consistently. What we
know is true for most is that stress will certainly be a part of
your experience. Whenever we are caught in the grips of
stress, we often are also caught in the grips of uncomfortable
feelings.
For most of you, stress is no stranger, and in the predictable
routine of your life before college, you may have found
ways to cope with it and manage it that have worked for you.
However, in starting college and moving out of your
comfort zone, you may find that, at least initially, your stress
has increased. With a new routine and new challenges,
the habits and coping mechanisms that used to work may feel
less reliable, or you may just feel less grounded and
able to implement them as easily. Now that you are out of your
comfort zone, you may find that you have opened
yourself up to a myriad of less desirable feelings (Figure 3). For
many, it may involve experiencing feelings like these:
» Frustration: “Why is this not working like it’s supposed to? I
am following the instructions. I feel like
throwing this laptop out the window!”
» Overwhelm: “How will I ever get this financial aid package
completed in time, on top of all my
homework?”
» Guilt: “My mom is struggling and needs my help. I feel so

guilty for being so far away in her time of
need.”
» Doubt: “I am not sure I am capable of keeping up on all these
assignments and passing this class.”
» Confusion: “I am so confused about which courses to take,
and how to choose a major.”
» Anger: “I worked so hard on this report! How could I have
just received a ‘C’ when I put so much into it? I
am so fed up with this professor—his expectations are so
unclear!”
» Embarrassment: “I did so badly on that test. My professor
must think I am an idiot and have no business
being in her class.”
» Envy: “It seems like everyone else is so much happier than
me. Every time I see their Instagram posts
they are surrounded by friends and going out all the time.”
» Loneliness: “I feel like such an outsider. Everytime I see
friends post about a fun event they went to
together, I feel so left out.”
» Anxiety: I am so tired, and yet I can’t sleep. My brain is on
constant overload. What if I panic during my
presentation?”
» Sadness: “My boyfriend broke up with me and I feel so lost. I
don’t want to get out of bed.”
» Worry: “What if I cannot afford college and I have to drop
out?”

These examples are not meant to scare you, but to normalize
these common emotions, if indeed they or others are
showing up in your life. Again, it is human to experience
emotions. The challenge and responsibility is to understand
them, and to practice managing the feelings that follow an
emotional experience more effectively.
Who We Are Versus What We Feel
Feelings and emotions are something we experience, they are
not who we are. Feelings and emotions can be
powerful, though. Investing in your awareness around why they
are occuring, how you can adequately manage them,
and understanding how influential they are in shaping your
perception of yourself is worthy of some serious inquiry
and explanation.
If you can start the process of learning how to recognize,
understand, and manage your feelings, you will be giving
yourself an enormous gift—the gift of fostering personal peace
as you transition further and further away from the
propensity to engage in an internal battle with yourself that
feelings of anxiety, jealousy, and anger can generate.
To begin this process, let’s start by asking a question: Have you
ever felt so angry, or sad, or anxious, or stressed that
you felt like it was becoming a part of who you are and how you
see and know yourself?
If you can relate to this question, to any degree, know that there
is a reason for this. Our use of language encourages
a blurring of lines between who we are and what we feel, as in
the ever present “I am” statements we commonly

use. In the English language, we more often will say “I am so
angry,” “I am so sad,” “I am so anxious,” or “I am so
stressed,” rather than saying (albeit more awkwardly) “I am
feeling anger,” “I am feeling sadness,” “I am feeling
anxiety,” or “I am feeling stress”. Do you also notice how “I
am” statements feel more permanent, static and fixed,
whereas simply feeling something suggests a temporary
experience, rather than an extension of one’s identify?
(Figure 4). Our words represent our ability to conceptualize our
experiences; the language we adopt and the syntax
we follow play a fundamental role in shaping our perception;
and our speech patterns (or self-talk) are the engineers
of our self-concept. When we feel emotions and continue to say
“I am angry/sad/anxious/stressed,” we are in essence
verbally believing that those emotions are, in fact, who we are.
It’s no wonder many of us have a hard time separating
who we are from what we feel.
Figure 3. College can be one of
the best times of your life, but it will
sometimes open you to less desirable
feelings.
I am... I am feeling...
angry anger
sad sadness
anxious anxiety
stressed stress
Figure 4. When we use “I am”

statements, we have a hard time
separating who we are from what we feel.
So, why does this happen? When our emotions become intense,
we can feel like they are not separate from us, but
instead have somehow become an extension of who we are or
we have become an extension of them; essentially, the
lines and boundaries between us and them have been blurred.
When this happens, feelings run the risk of becoming
a part of our sense of identity and can become deeply planted
into our personal narratives. Once they start to
become part of our personal narratives, they can serve to limit
our connection to our strengths, our values, and our
ability to connect to and express the most meaningful,
aspirational, and courageous parts of ourselves. When our
feelings and emotions take over, they can distance us from the
present moment, keep us from a sense of calm and
peace, and impact our ability to focus and stay intentional.
While this dynamic ensues, most of us would agree that
it can feel pretty darn miserable. Overpowering feelings, like
anxiety or worry, can make completing every day tasks
seem more overwhelming, maintaining relationships more
tricky, and stepping out of our comfort zone a far more
intimidating prospect.
It’s important to remember, though, that emotions are not bad.
Emotions can frequently be your teacher. When you
are able to experience the full range of emotions, they often
serve to enrich your life—particularly if you are able
to expand your awareness and develop a more nuanced and
granular language to represent a wider spectrum of
emotional experiences. Emotions, and your ability to understand

them and manage them, serve as the direct route to
developing emotional intelligence. They do this because they
can be what connects and unites us, and what deepen
our experiences of compassion, empathy, and inspired creativity
(Figure 5). Feelings and emotions often compel
us to live with purpose and to engage in healthy protest in the
face of injustice. Emotions, when recognized and
leveraged, can be the spark that ignites action and changes
societies by engaging communities and creating bonds
of trust and acts of courage. Emotions, when acknowledged,
identified, and named, can be the gateway to creating
a commitment to a cause greater than yourself that may enable
you to leave a legacy through the contributions you
make in life.
Figure 5. Emotions can serve to enrich
our lives and give us compassion,
empathy, and creativity.
In order to get to this place where you can feel inspired by your
emotions, as well as in healthier connection to them,
let’s first pause and establish what we have learned:
» The very language we use to express our feeling can too
easily encourage us to blur the line between
who we are and what we feel, convincing us of realities that can
be limited or distorted.
» Emotions are not bad. In fact, they can represent the gateway
to living in connection with our core values
and from our most inspired, connected, resilient, and creative
places.

The Dueling Nature of Anger
Take a moment to read this short article in NPR’s, “All Things
Considered,”2 that illustrates how Martin Luther
King Jr. channeled his anger into a positive form of protest, but
not without a very human level of struggle that
most of us can identify with (Figure 6). Pay particular attention
to this passage:
“Though King became an icon of non-violence and peace, he
also inwardly wrestled with anger and, at
times, would snap at those he loved. Looking at how King dealt
with anger reveals its dual nature—how
it can be a motivating force for change, while also containing
the potential for destruction.”
You may be thinking, “If Martin Luther King Jr. also struggled,
what chance do I have in managing powerful
emotions?” This is where growth mindset once again comes in.
As we move forward in sharing more insight
and strategies, remind yourself that the management of
emotions is an ongoing practice, not a direct line
toward a finish line. Life will continue to test you, as it did
Martin Luther King Jr., but the more you commit to
the practice—showing yourself grace and compassion in the
places and times you stumble—the greater the
likelihood you will, over time, improve. The practice of
managing and channeling our emotions is not about
perfection, but about progress.
“A destructive passion is harnessed by directing that same
passion into
constructive channels.”
Martin Luther King Jr.

Figure 6. Martin Luther King Jr. was able to channel his anger
into something positive.
(Editorial credit: /Shutterstock.com)
https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2019/02/20/691298594
/the-power-of-martin-luther-king-jr-s-
anger?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_ca
mpaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20190404&fbcli
d=IwAR01l57bMlCgSpu4po1Aimv36ZJfSgjpo60wSPlujiS7kWZ
4h4igg6RCID4
http://Shutterstock.com
Feeling is Believing (Often Without Question)
An emotion is a physical sensation; think of it as experiencing a
particular vibration or energetic frequency as it travels
through your brain and nervous system. It holds no particular
inherent or empirical truth or “goodness” or “badness.”
It is your mind that seeks to do that. It is your mind that assigns
meaning to your experience of it and then labels it
with a “feeling” word. It is your mind that generates a narrative
and then, as in the case of confirmation bias, seeks
to find evidence confirming that your self-talk—your feeling—
represents truth and is an accurate reflection of reality.
Basically, you end up believing what you label that emotion,
because of the perpetuating story you create around the
feeling you have identified. Consider psychologist Tara Brach’s
explanation of thoughts and emotions:3
“I recently read in the book My Stroke of Insight by brain
scientist Jill Bolte Taylor4 that the natural lifespan of
an emotion—the average time it takes for it to move through the
nervous system and body—is only a minute

and a half. After that we need thoughts to keep the emotion
rolling. So if we wonder why we lock into painful
emotional states like anxiety, depression, or rage, we need look
no further than our own endless stream of
inner dialogue.”
The beauty of Brach’s words is that, if we’re willing, we can
change the way we think, and in so doing shift our inner
dialogue in relationship to the physical sensation of an emotion.
After that, should the emotional state continue,
you are merely caught in a habit of living in the memory of the
emotion (the past), or living in the anticipation of the
emotion (the future).
The solution seems so straightforward: Just stop living in the
past or anticipating the future! Well, as we all know,
that is not so easy to do. It requires discipline, commitment,
time, and practice. Fortunately, you are about to be
taught the science of emotions. In learning the science, you’ll
set the stage for interrupting patterns of thoughts and
practicing this powerful shift away from feeling stuck in your
“own endless stream of inner dialogue.” Once you have
learned the science of how we experience emotions, you will
then be taught how to return to the present, the only
moment you truly have and the one through which you can
cultivate calmness and begin to more receptively feel your
emotions and escape the tyranny of that “endless stream of
inner dialogue.”
Emotions Are Built, Not Built-In
Through her groundbreaking work in psychology and
neuroscience, professor Lisa Feldman Barrett of Northeastern
University is challenging what we think we know about how we
experience and understand our emotions. Here is how
she puts it in her paper, “The Science of Emotion: What People
Believe, What Evidence Shows, and Where to Go

From Here”:5
“Knowledge, expectations, and beliefs seem to have little
impact on emotion, although they can regulate a
response once it has been triggered. As a consequence, people
assume that emotions can overcome them,
rapidly overriding whatever else they might be doing, thinking,
and feeling. Regulation, if it occurs at all,
happens later, after the emotion has taken hold. Anger, sadness,
and fear cause behavior, just as lightning
causes thunder.”
What if we do have more control? What would we do differently
and how would it change us and our lives? To begin
to imagine, listen to her own words in her TED Talk:
WATCH THIS:
You Aren’t at the Mercy of Your Emotions—Your Brain Creates
Them6
https://www.ted.com/talks/lisa_feldman_barrett_you_aren_t_at_
the_mercy_of_your_emotions_your_brain_creates_them/discuss
ion?referrer=playlist-
the_most_popular_ted_talks_of_2018&language=en
https://www.ted.com/talks/lisa_feldman_barrett_you_aren_t_at_
the_mercy_of_your_emotions_your_brain_creates_them/discuss
ion?referrer=playlist-
the_most_popular_ted_talks_of_2018&language=en
When you’re investing in building your emotional vernacular,
have fun with it. We often take ourselves and our
feelings and emotions very seriously. Yes, they are often very

serious, but if you engage with each emotion differently,
you may find them less threatening as you come to acquire a
new relationship to them. As you invent and discover
new words and expand your vocabulary in this way, you’re also
practicing tuning in to yourself. In pausing to feel and
describe the sensations you feel, you’re practicing a new way of
predicting and experiencing greater gradation in the
range of your emotions. Just like as a child you might have only
described the ocean as blue, as an adult you might
notice (depending on the season, the time of day, or the
weather) that the ocean might actually appear to be more
azure, sapphire, aquamarine, turquoise, teal, or cobalt.
The aim in doing this is to allow yourself to eventually go from
ongoing emotional suffering, to something more
closely resembling temporary physical discomfort. This would
be followed by inner dialogue that reinforces feelings
that support your ability to recover to a more preferable feeling
state more quickly.
When you do this, you have the chance to change what might
have previously been a negative emotional experience,
into a more neutral one. For example, if previously you
experienced what you labeled as “social anxiety” in
anticipation of meeting new people, you now have the
opportunity to tune into those physical feelings, and reframe
the experience by renaming it. As you tune into yourself, you
may feel an accelerated heart rate, a bit of queasiness in
your stomach and maybe your mouth is dry. When before you
might have immediately labeled it as “social anxiety”
and allowed your personal narrative of social anxiety to run
rampant, you can instead simply notice the feelings and
Figure 7. Broadening your emotional
vernacular allows you to differentiate

the many emotions you experience.
Emotional Vernacular
the vocabulary you possess that
enables you to express and discern
between many different feelings and
emotional states of being
She shares that your brain is continually engaged in guessing
and predicting what you’re seeing and feeling based on
your past experiences—in other words, your past narrative. You
can think of it this way: your guesses are shaped by
the perpetual inner dialogue that continually streams through
your mind. It takes effort and intention to notice it, quiet
it, and train it to play a new tape.
Increasing Your Emotional Vernacular
The experience of processing feelings is one of recognizing
physical sensations; the more often we encounter those
physical sensations—like the churning of our stomachs, or the
sweating of our palms—the more aware we can
become in assigning predictions based on past similar events.
The opportunity lies in making what was formally an
unconscious prediction and making it conscious. We get to, if
we heed the challenge, interpret sensations differently,
and then choose to assign a different meaning. Let’s consider
the experience of anxiety as a way to start practicing.
What you are doing as you play with language is broadening
your emotional vernacular. Your emotional vernacular
is the vocabulary you possess that enables you to express and
discern between many different feelings and emotional
states of being. In reality, there exits the potential for so much
emotional nuance. Invest in widening the spectrum of

words you possess to capture the vast granularity of different
emotional experiences (Figure 7).
Naming Your Feelings
Now, it’s time to increase your ability to name your feelings. As
you start to notice your feelings, you may come to
appreciate that there are more subtle distinctions between
emotions as well as more than one feeling existing at the
same time, which can easily be confusing. The more you can put
a name to what you’re actually experiencing, even if
it’s multiple things at once, the more you will be able to
intentionally regulate your feelings.
As you develop your own emotional vernacular, here is a go-to
list7 to guide your process (and remember, you can
chose more than one feeling, even if they feel in opposition to
one another):
Pleasant Feelings
OPEN HAPPY ALIVE GOOD
» understanding
» confident
» reliable
» easy
» amazed
» free
» sympathetic
» interested
» satisfied
» receptive

» accepting
» kind
» great
» gay
» joyous
» lucky
» fortunate
» delighted
» overjoyed
» gleeful
» thankful
» important
» festive
» ecstatic
» satisfied
» glad
» cheerful
» sunny
» merry
» elated
» jubilant
» playful
» courageous
» energetic
» liberated
» optimistic
» provocative
» impulsive
» free
» frisky
» animated
» spirited
» thrilled
» wonderful

» calm
» peaceful
» at ease
» comfortable
» pleased
» encouraged
» clever
» surprised
» content
» quiet
» certain
» relaxed
» serene
» free and easy
» bright
» blessed
» reassured
LOVE INTERESTED POSITIVE STRONG
» loving
» considerate
» affectionate
» sensitive
» tender
» devoted
» attracted
» passionate
» admiration
» warm
» touched
» sympathy
» close
» loved
» comforted

» drawn toward
» concerned
» affected
» fascinated
» intrigued
» absorbed
» inquisitive
» nosy
» snoopy
» engrossed
» curious
» eager
» keen
» earnest
» intent
» anxious
» inspired
» determined
» excited
» enthusiastic
» bold
» brave
» daring
» challenged
» optimistic
» re-enforced
» confident
» hopeful
» impulsive
» free
» sure
» certain
» rebellious

» unique
» dynamic
» tenacious
» hardy
» secure
interrupt the associations and negative self-talk you historically
engage in. You interrupt the rabbit hole of negative
self-talk by choosing to simply notice the sensations first. Then,
you can creatively assign different meaning to them.
Your internal dialogue can be updated this way; “I feel my heart
beating faster and harder, and my stomach is feeling
queasy. I know that this feeling will not last forever. I will call
this experience ‘excited anticipation’, instead of social
anxiety. This no longer needs to scare me or define me or
continue to hijack my thoughts for the rest of this encounter
with new people.”
http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/feelings.html
Difficult/Unpleasant Feelings
ANGRY DEPRESSED CONFUSED AFRAID
» irritated
» enraged
» hostile
» insulting
» sore
» annoyed
» upset
» hateful
» unpleasant
» offensive

» bitter
» aggressive
» resentful
» inflamed
» provoked
» incensed
» infuriated
» cross
» worked up
» boiling
» fuming
» indignant
» lousy
» disappointed
» discouraged
» ashamed
» powerless
» diminished
» guilty
» dissatisfied
» miserable
» detestable
» repugnant
» despicable
» disgusting
» abominable
» terrible
» in despair
» sulky
» bad
» a sense of loss
» upset
» doubtful
» uncertain

» indecisive
» perplexed
» embarrassed
» hesitant
» shy
» stupefied
» disillusioned
» unbelieving
» skeptical
» distrustful
» misgiving
» lost
» unsure
» uneasy
» pessimistic
» tense
» fearful
» terrified
» suspicious
» anxious
» alarmed
» panic
» nervous
» scared
» worried
» frightened
» timid
» shaky
» restless
» doubtful
» threatened
» cowardly
» quaking
» menaced
» wary

INDIFFERENT HELPLESS HURT SAD
» insensitive
» dull
» nonchalant
» neutral
» reserved
» weary
» bored
» preoccupied
» cold
» disinterested
» lifeless
» incapable
» alone
» paralyzed
» fatigued
» useless
» inferior
» vulnerable
» empty
» forced
» hesitant
» despair
» frustrated
» distressed
» woeful
» pathetic
» tragic
» in a stew
» dominated
» crushed
» tormented
» deprived

» pained
» tortured
» dejected
» rejected
» injured
» offended
» afflicted
» aching
» victimized
» heartbroken
» agonized
» appalled
» humiliated
» wronged
» alienated
» tearful
» sorrowful
» pained
» grief
» anguish
» desolate
» desperate
» pessimistic
» unhappy
» lonely
» grieved
» mournful
» dismayed
Different Cultures Offer a Different Lens into our Emotional
Lives
Sometimes it can feel like the English language short-changes
us when it comes to finding words to express the
uniqueness of our feelings and experiences. Check out how
people around the world use language to capture

their distinctive emotional experiences:
» Age-otori is Japanese, and apparently it describes
“the feeling of looking worse after a haircut.”
» Saudade is a Portuguese word that describes the
feeling of longing for something or someone whom
you love and which is lost.
» Fisselig is German for flustered to the point of
incompetence.
» Hyggelig is a Danish word that describes a
feeling of openness, warmth, and friendship,
often between friends.
» Dépaysement is French for the feeling that
comes from not being in one’s home country.
So instead of homesick, it’s home-countrysick.
Tuning In to the Body
Because nervousness and it’s more advanced cousin anxiety are
such common experiences for many, let’s use them
in an exercise designed to help you calm and quiet nervousness
and anxiety by tuning in to your body and becoming
present. As intuitive leadership and life coach Tonyalynne
Wildhaber puts it:8
“Anxiety cannot exist in the present. Anxiety is fueled by past
memories or future forecasting. Returning to
the body is the path to returning to the present moment, where
you can cultivate calmness and peace.”

The desired outcome of this learning is to (as Feldman Barrett
says) transform what we have previously experienced as
emotional suffering into experiences of physical discomfort.
Focusing on Breathing
One of the best places to start is with simple breathing exercises
and mindfulness. Learning to control your breathing
is a foundational element of meditation. It is the act of focusing
on breathing and becoming mindful and aware, and
simply noticing your thoughts, feelings, and physical
sensations, that represent the principles of many meditation
practices (Figure 8).
“The ability to be in the present moment is a major component
of mental wellness.”
Abraham Maslow
Figure 8. Focusing on your breathing
is at the heart of any meditation
practice.
We are not going to accelerate quickly into meditation. We are
simply going to teach you basic and quick breathing
techniques. If you so desire, use this as an introduction into
meditation, one of the most powerful ways you can take a
signitifant step in learning to manage your feelings and
emotions.
Many people feel overwhelmed by the prospect of starting a
meditation practice. It can easily become one of many
items on their “to-do list” that they plan one day to get to like,
finally getting in shape, eating healthier and cleaning
out their closets. With this reality in mind, we are sharing a

shorter exercise that can serve as an introduction to
the power of meditation. This breathing exercise literally takes
less than one minute and packs a powerful dose of
relaxation. You can practice it prior to taking a test, giving a
presentation or even use it to help you fall asleep more
easily. And, what you will notice after you’ve made it a part of
your daily routine, is that you will be cultivating more
peace, calmness and focus, as well as incorporating a quick way
to steady your nerves when you feel fear, anxiety or
worry beckoning.
The 4-7-8 (or Relaxing Breath) Exercise
The 4-7-8 breathing exercise is a natural tranquilizer for the
nervous system. Unlike tranquilizing
drugs, which are often effective when you first take them but
then lose their power over time, this
exercise is subtle when you first try it, but gains in power with
repetition and practice. Do it at least
twice a day. You cannot do it too frequently.
First, read through these instructions thoroughly, then watch the
video, presented by Andrew Weil,
M.D.9 After you understand the technique, practice it one time.
Make time later today to practice
the technique a second time.
The 4-7-8 breathing exercise is utterly simple, takes almost no
time, requires no equipment, and
can be done anywhere. Although you can do the exercise in any
position, sit with your back straight
while completing the exercise. Place the tip of your tongue
against the ridge of tissue just behind

your upper front teeth, and keep it there through the entire
exercise. You will be exhaling through
your mouth around your tongue (Figure 9); try pursing your lips
slightly if this seems awkward.
1. Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh
sound.
2. Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose to a
mental count of four.
3. Hold your breath for a count of seven.
4. Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh
sound to a count of eight.
5. This is one breath. Now inhale again and repeat the cycle
three more times for a total of four
breaths.
TRY THIS:
Figure 9. Inhale through your nose, and exhale through your
mouth around your tongue.
Note that with this breathing technique, you always inhale
quietly through your nose and exhale audibly
through your mouth. The tip of your tongue stays in position the
whole time. Exhalation takes twice as long as
inhalation. The absolute time you spend on each phase is not
important; the ratio of 4:7:8 is important, as Weil
explains in this video.10 If you have trouble holding your
breath, speed the exercise up but keep to the ratio of
4:7:8 for the three phases. With practice you can slow it all
down and get used to inhaling and exhaling more
and more deeply.

Do not do more than four breaths at one time for the first month
of practice. Later, if you wish, you can extend
it to eight breaths. If you feel a little lightheaded when you first
breathe this way, do not be concerned—it will
pass.
Once you develop this technique by practicing it every day, it
will be a very useful tool that you will always
have with you. Use it whenever anything upsetting happens,
before you react. Use it whenever you are aware
of internal tension or stress. Use it to help you fall asleep. This
exercise cannot be recommended too highly.
Everyone can benefit from it.
https://www.drweil.com/videos-features/videos/breathing-
exercises-4-7-8-breath/
https://www.drweil.com/videos-features/videos/the-4-7-8-
breath-health-benefits-demonstration/
Guided Meditations to Get You Started
After practicing Andrew Weil’s breathing exercise, you may be
ready or curious about trying different types of
meditation. As our lives become more and more hectic and as
the demands for our time and attention grow, so
too can our mounting worry, stress and anxiety. It can feel like
we’re trapped in a repetitive loop of negative self-
talk and challenging feelings and emotions as cortisol and
adrenaline reap their corrosive effect on our bodies.
The ancient practice of meditation is one of the best ways to
calm our central nervous systems, restore balance
and health and foster greater emotional peace by bringing us in
greater connection with our bodies, our breath,

and all importantly, the present moment.
Here are some recommended guided meditations to consider.
These were selected because they are both
shorter in length than many guided meditations, as well as
focusing on cultivating presence and supporting your
ability to work with difficult emotions when they arise.
» Brief Meditation: Arriving in Mindful Presence: This guided
meditation is a good beginner meditation
as it is only 5 minutes and focuses on what is called “mindful
presence.”11
» A 10-Minute Meditation to Work with Difficult Emotions:
This meditation is specifically designed to
support you when you’re experiencing difficult emotions.12
» An 11-Minute Awareness of Breath Practice: This guided
meditation is one of the oldest and one of
the simplest. Through focusing on your breath, it guides you to
greater awareness, presence and a
sense of calm.13
The Scientific Benefits of Meditation
According to Matthew Thorpe, M.D. PhD., there are 12 science-
based benefits of meditation14 (including the short
breathing exercise you just learned):
1. Reduces stress
2. Controls anxiety
3. Promotes emotional health (improved self-image, positive
outlook on life, decreased depression, positive
thinking and optimism)

4. Enhances self-awareness
5. Lengthens attention span
6. May reduce age-related memory loss
7. Can generate kindness
8. May help fight addictions
9. Improves sleep
10. Helps control pain
11. Can decrease blood pressure
12. You can meditate anywhere
Once you commit to a practice of mindful breathing/meditation,
whether it’s two minutes a day or twenty, you will find
that you have grown in your capacity to still your body by
connecting with your breathing. In return, you will create
the ability to be aware of your feelings, rather than being at the
mercy of them. Although it may be challenging to
break the habit of saying “I am anxious,” by practicing mindful
breathing and/or meditation, ideally you will become
less and less likely to find yourself needing to say it at all.
https://www.tarabrach.com/brief-meditation-5-minute/
https://www.mindful.org/a-10-minute-meditation-to-work-with-
difficult-emotions/
https://www.mindful.org/an-11-minute-awareness-of-breath-
practice/
https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/12-benefits-of-meditation

Practicing RAIN
As you begin to navigate your college experience, you are
bound to feel lots of feelings, and those feelings are
bound to shape what you believe and how you see yourself as
you encounter new challenges. This can be very
difficult. Focusing on your breathing is the first step in learning
to manage your feelings and emotions more
effectively. The second step is to learn the acronym RAIN:15
The acronym RAIN is an easy-to-remember tool for practicing
mindfulness and compassion using the following four steps:
» Recognize what is happening.
» Allow the experience to be there, just as it is.
» Investigate with interest and care.
» Nurture with self-compassion.
You can take your time and explore RAIN as a stand-alone
meditation or move through the steps whenever
challenging feelings arise.
Tools for Managing Difficult Emotions
If you find that your emotions can easily derail your progress or
minimize your joy or sense or purpose, here are even
more helpful techniques to help you manage them:
» Music: Choosing the right song with intentionality can
definitely be a big part in accessing and
channeling your emotions (Figure 10). Do you want to feel
better, or really explore the mood you’re in?
» Connection with nature: Go outside for a walk, if possible;
breathe in the fresh air of the outdoors (11
Scientific Benefits of Being Outdoors16).

» Connection with other people: Be mindful of who you reach
out to and why: Which of your friends is a
great listener? Who makes you laugh? Who is someone you feel
seen, heard, and understood by, without
judgment? Also, go out of your way to reach out and support
others. When you reach out to a friend for
support, tell them what you need—for example,“Will you just
listen?” rather than “I really need some
advice” (How and Why You Should Maintain Friendships17).
» Distraction: Sometimes it’s a matter of simply distracting
yourself by doing something else. However,
be careful with the distraction of video games or social media,
as they can steal your time, energy, and
motivation (7 Ways To Distract Yourself From Your
Frustrations18).
» Humor: Funny movies, shows, memes, and people can often
shift and lighten your mood very quickly
and effectively. (How Laughter Can Improve Your Health19)
» Exercise: Get moving! It doesn’t need to be an intense
workout, but consistent physical activity correlates
with our emotional well being (The Mental Health Benefits of
Exercise20).
Figure 10. Listening to music can help
you explore your emotions.
https://www.tarabrach.com/taratalks-meditation-rain-working-
difficult-emotions/
http://mentalfloss.com/article/70548/11-scientific-benefits-
being-outdoors
http://mentalfloss.com/article/70548/11-scientific-benefits-
being-outdoors

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-and-why-you-should-
maintain-friendships-3144973
https://www.theodysseyonline.com/7-ways-distract-yourself-
frustrations
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-
trauma/201311/lol-how-laughter-can-improve-your-health
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/healthy-living/the-mental-
health-benefits-of-exercise.htm
Learning to Manage Feelings and Emotions: Angela’s Story
In the previous chapter, we identified the parts of Angela’s
personal narrative that were problem-saturated.
Focusing on the first two problems, “in the first week, she felt
scared and overwhelmed” and “she felt anxious,
homesick and out of place,” we discussed possible self-talk that
Angela might engage in and how if the problem-
saturated stories were to dominate, they may cause her believe
that she is “weak, fragile, hesitant, powerless, not
ready, bad at making friends, and an outsider.”
Before Anglea can work through her problem-saturated personal
narrative, she must also know how to interrupt
the negative self-talk that threatens to dominate whenever she
experiences emotions like fear, overwhelm, guilt,
or feeling like an outsider. Given what we covered in this
chapter, here are examples of how Angela practices the
important elements of managing her feelings and emotions so
that they do not further ignite her potential to
believe her problem-saturated story.
Normalizing and appreciating the role of stress for Angela:
Because Angela is in a totally new environment, she, like most
new college students, is bound to feel an

amplified level of stress. This is normal and to be expected for
awhile. With this being the case, it will be
important for Angela to acknowledge this and remind herself
that although her feelings might feel both
unpleasant and intense, stress is playing a role in magnifying
the experience as well as distorting her thinking.
For this reason, purposely practicing reassuring self-talk will be
important, starting with normalizing the stress
response given her new life circumstances. Addressing herself
by name when she practices self-talk will also help
to lessen her stress. She can practice by saying things like,
“Angela is going to be just fine” or “Angela’s got this”
or even “Remember, Angela, this feeling will pass.”
Angela is not her feelings and emotions:
“Angela is someone who experiences feelings and emotions; she
is not her feelings and emotions.” Angela may
need to repeat this over and over to herself as she acclimates to
her new surroundings. This self-talk will also go a
long way in helping to distance herself from her feelings and
emotions, and decrease her stress as she repeats it.
This may sound like, “Angela, you are not anxiety and it does
not define you. You are feeling physical sensations
that you have called anxiety. It is not who you are.”
An Awareness of Your Internal World
We have explored many aspects thus far of how our personal
narratives come into being and what we can do to take
a more active role in shaping them. We started with the critical
role of our self-talk and self-doubt and transitioned
into how common our perception or our lives, and thus our
narratives, become deeply and convincingly problem

saturated. This, as you’ve learned, is especially true when we
experience both pervasive and powerful feelings. When
they are not addressed, pushed away, or under-estimated, they
can all too easily contribute to problem-saturated
stories that define how we see ourselves and experience the
world. Simply put, they can easily make our lives
miserable if they take over.
When feelings take over it is next to impossible to develop our
emotional intelligence because when we are
embroiled in feelings like fear, it limits our ability to genuinely
understand ourselves and connect in an authentic way
with others. However, when we cultivate a greater awareness of
our internal worlds—our feelings and emotions—we
grow in our ability to govern our thoughts and behavior from a
place within us that is aligned with our values and an
expression of our strengths, our joy, and our higher purpose,
however we grow to define that. When we begin to do
this, we begin to feel a greater liberation from feelings and
emotions that previously felt stifling, and we nurture our
capacity to experience freedom in shaping our narratives in
more empowered ways.
Identifying and naming her feelings:
Angela is experiencing a lot of different feelings, based on her
circumstances, and some feelings she experiences
at the same time. When she is having these feelings, it will be
very helpful for her to seek to identify them,
and then put a name to them. For example, when she sits down
to do math she may notice that she feels a
queasy feeling in her stomach, which she is familiar with and
predicts as anxiety. This might then lead directly to
something she experiences as homesickness. It will be important
for Angela to acknowledge these feelings and
put a name to them (even if there are multiple, or even
conflicting, feelings). She can play with the language she

uses to capture the thoughts and feelings and even replace
words like anxiety and homesickness with other more
creative terms like “ruminating anticipation” for anxiety or
“appreciation for home” for homesickness. It feels a
little silly, but even the process of searching for the right words
seems to lessen her stress.
Tuning in to her body:
As Angela tunes in to her body, she returns to the queasiness in
her stomach.There is no need to judge the
feeling, so she simply observes it. The priority at this point is
staying present so that the feeling of queasiness
isn’t given the opportunity to grow and overtake her when
really what she needs is to be calm, present, and clear-
headed for the math work ahead. Presence is key; as a reminder,
anxiety is most potent when our thoughts are
either travelling to the past, or forecasting into the future. For
Angela, the present moment is hers to claim and it
is where calmness has the best chances of residing.
With this, Angela chooses to employ the 4-7-8 breathing
exercise. It will not take long—actually, less than a
minute. After performing one cycle of this breathing exercise
she feels a little bit better, but she is still not feeling
completely present. To cultivate more presence, she decides to
follow a five minute guided meditation to help
bring her back to the present moment.
https://www.tarabrach.com/?powerpress_pinw=7576-podcast
References
1 Meyer, Cindy, P.h.D. (2013). “Thinking Clearly.” The
Emotional Detective. Retrieved from

https://emotionaldetective.typepad.com/emotional-detective/
2 Greenfieldboyce, Nell (2019). “All Things Considered.” NPR
News, February 20. Retrieved
from https://www.npr.org/programs/all-things-
considered/2019/02/20/696185842
3 Brach, Tara (2003). Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a
Buddha. Bantam Books.
4 Taylor, Jill Bolte (2009). My Stroke of Insight. Penguin
Books.
5 Barrett, Lisa Feldman (2008). “The Science of Emotion: What
People Believe, What Evidence
Shows, and Where to Go From Here.” In Human Behavior in
Military Contexts. The National
Academies Press.
6 Barrett, Lisa Feldman (2017). “You Aren’t at the Mercy of
Your Emotions—Your Brain Creates
Them.” TED Talk. Retrieved from
https://www.ted.com/speakers/lisa_feldman_barrett
7 Niolen, Richard. PsychPage. http://www.psychpage.com/
8 Wildhaber, Tonyalynne. The Courage Practice.
https://thecouragepractice.org/
9 Weil, Andrew. “Video: Breathing Exercises: 4-7-8 Breath.”
Retrieved from https://www.drweil.
com/videos-features/videos/breathing-exercises-4-7-8-breath/
10 Weil, Andrew. “4-7-8 Breathing: Health Benefits &
Demonstration.” Retrieved from https://

www.drweil.com/videos-features/videos/the-4-7-8-breath-
health-benefits-demonstration/
11 Brach, Tara (2016). “Brief Meditation: Arriving in Mindful
Presence–(5 min).” Retrieved from
12 Hauck, Carley (2018). “A 10-Minute Meditation to Work
with Difficult Emotions.” Mindful,
October 11. Retrieved from https://www.mindful.org/a-10-
minute-meditation-to-work-with-
difficult-emotions/
13 Kaiser-Greenland, Susan (2018). “An 11-Minute Awareness
of Breath Practice.” Mindful,
August 20. Retrieved from https://www.mindful.org/an-11-
minute-awareness-of-breath-
practice/
14 Thorpe, Matthew, M.D. Ph.D. (2017). “12 Science-Based
Benefits of Meditation.” Healthline,
July 5. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/12-
benefits-of-meditation
15 Brach, Tara (2018). “Meditation—RAIN: Working with
Difficult Emotions.” TaraTalks, May 22.
16 Mental Floss. “11 Scientific Benefits of Being Outdoors.”
Retrieved from https://www.
tarabrach.com/taratalks-meditation-rain-working-difficult-
emotions/
17 Scott, Elizabeth (2019). “How and Why You Should
Maintain Friendships.” Verywell Mind,
May 21. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/how-
and-why-you-should-maintain-

friendships-3144973
18 Curtis, Melissa (2017). “7 Ways To Distract Yourself From
Your Frustrations.” Odyssey; Health
Wellness, February 13. Retrieved from
https://www.theodysseyonline.com/7-ways-distract-
yourself-frustrations
19 Muller, Robert T. (2013). “LOL: How Laughter Can Improve
Your Health.” Psychology Today,
November 29. Retrieved from
20 HelpGuide. “The Mental Health Benefits of Exercise.”
Retrieved from https://www.helpguide.
org/articles/healthy-living/the-mental-health-benefits-of-
exercise.htm
https://emotionaldetective.typepad.com/emotional-detective/
https://www.npr.org/programs/all-things-
considered/2019/02/20/696185842
https://www.ted.com/speakers/lisa_feldman_barrett
http://www.psychpage.com/
https://thecouragepractice.org/
difficult-emotions/

difficult-emotions/
practice/
practice/
https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/12-benefits-of-meditation
difficult-emotions/
difficult-emotions/
frustrations
frustrations
Chapter 4 Journal
For instructions on how to complete journal assignments and

info on how they will be
graded, please refer to the syllabus.
Introduction:
The purpose of this activity is to reinforce your awareness of
how you interpret the
physical sensations that occur during a problem-saturated event.
Additionally, you will
practice identifying how similar physical sensations can occur
during other events
unrelated to emotions or during positive emotional responses.
Doing this step will
provide you with a go-to method for moving through
overwhelming emotions so that
you can move toward a more empowered narrative. By
practicing the act of reframing
the feelings that you have in response to uncomfortable
emotions while reflecting on
past events, you will be better equipped to do so in real-time
when difficult emotions
take hold.
Goal
• Identify the physical sensations that occur when amidst a
difficult emotion.
• Identify other events or emotions that do not make you feel
the difficult emotions
but cause similar physical sensations to occur.
• Reinforce the idea that different types of emotional responses
and events can elicit
similar physical symptoms.
• Practice reframing the feelings you have as a result of difficult
emotional responses.
• Practice applying new, more empowered terms to

uncomfortable or negative
feelings as a method of moving through the feelings
successfully.
Instructions:
Reviewing the event that you described in the Chapter 3
workbook activity, Identifying
Problem-Saturated Stories, answer the following questions:
1. Write down physical symptoms you experience when you
think of the event, like
heart beating faster, perspiring, etc.
2. Identify biological situations in which you felt those same
physical symptoms, like
when exercising or hungry, or when you felt emotions like
excitement or love.
3. Determine if you also responded with the same level of dread
or fear during the
biological or emotional event as you feel when anticipating an
event that causes
you to feel nervous or anxious.
4. Provide insight that can be gained from the comparison.
5. Find a term you could use in place of “anxious” or “nervous”
that could be a more
empowered reframing of the physical sensations you
experienced.

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