1. Guy Talk vs. Girl Talk - MSN Relationships - article http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlecosmo.aspx...
lifestyle
Guy Talk vs. Girl Talk
Bonding with your man means getting your communication styles in sync during everyday moments. We have the tricks you need to click when it
counts.
You know that good is the key to a great relationship. But here's something that may surprise you. It's not the big moments when being tuned in is most important; it's
the way you talk to each other every day that has the most significant impact on your union.
"There are day-to-day misunderstandings that arise — simply because men and women have such different talking styles — that can really drive a wedge between a couple," says
Warren Farrell, PhD, author of Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say. And that's why you must find ways to bridge that gap. Here, we guide you through the most common
conversational breakdowns and what you can do to connect better.
TALK HURDLE
In the Car
Guy style: He's into peace and quiet and the open road; it's the perfect chance to chill out — in silence — with you.
Girl style: You see this as prime, uninterrupted couple time to discuss ... stuff.
How to mesh: Try playing by his rules now and then. "Your guy relishes times like these: just being with you, in the moment, without the chatter," says Diana Ivy, PhD, coauthor of
Genderspeak and professor of communication at Texas A&M University in Corpus Christi, Texas. "By learning to enjoy that time with him — and relaxing his way occasionally — you
build a new kind of closeness." But before that can happen, you need to get comfortable with that stillness. "Silence makes many women squirm, and the desire to fill the silence is
strong," says Ivy. But you can change your mind-set. "When a lull falls, rather than think, We're incompatible, switch up your self-talk with, This is so nice — we're totally at ease with
each other. After all, that's what's really going on.
Of course, it doesn't always have to be his way or the highway. In fact, when you have something to talk about, now's the time to bring it up. "Men feel more comfortable talking
about serious things side by side, because face to face is a combative stance that can put them on the defensive, says Ivy. To raise a topic, be direct. Say, "I'd like to talk about X for a
minute." Share your thoughts, and ask, "What's your take on that?" Then give him time to mull the issue over while you enjoy the peace and quiet.
TALK HURDLE
After a FIGHT
Guy style: He wants to call a truce and move on, which roughly translates to "get naked, have sex, make better."
Girl style: You can't stop thinking about the scrap and wig out even more because he's totally blowing it off.
How to Mesh: First, understand that he's not (deliberately) being an insensitive pig. "He's thinking, We fought, it's over; let's get close again, " says Ivy. But of course he won't say
that. "Men get over fights faster — their anger burns out quickly — and cozying up to you is his sincere effort to make amends, she says. The fact is, many guys consider making love
and saying "I love you" to be the same thing, so attempting to get busy is actually his way of trying to make up. That doesn't mean you have to accept it. "Women often need to feel
close to a guy again before they get physical, while the only way he knows how to restore intimacy is to have sex," she says. So you have the same goal — becoming close — with
different means of reaching it. The best strategy for you is to declare a verbal truce. "Say to him, ‘I know the fight is over, but I still feel hurt,' so he gets that you haven't quite
recovered," says Ivy. Then suggest something that can be a prelude to sex and make you feel tight again, like snuggling on the sofa. This way, your heart's in it when you are up for
some hotter make-up action.
TALK HURDLE
First thing in the A.M.
Guy style: He's focused on getting out the door, the commute to work, and the day ahead.
Girl style: You like to bond before your day apart and discuss plans.
How to Mesh: Develop get-ready rituals that will not only give you the contact you crave but will also still afford him the space he needs. You see, unlike the litany of thoughts you
wake up with, your man is functioning on a more rudimentary level. "His pilot light isn't on yet," says Audrey Nelson, PhD, author of You Don't Say. "He's focused on the bare
essentials." And because he's tuned in to his morning tasks, adding to his list so early in the day will only irk him.
"Instead, look for practical activities that are essential to your getting out the door but that also bring you together," says Nelson. For instance, make smoothies and drink them in the
morning sun, or watch the news over toast. And as for discussing more serious matters, text or e-mail him about errands and itineraries so he can respond at his own pace.
TALK HURDLE
On a Date
Guy style: He's up for enjoying good food and, between mouthfuls, a little banter with his woman.
Girl style: You envision romantic couple time and meaningful talks.
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2. Guy Talk vs. Girl Talk - MSN Relationships - article http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlecosmo.aspx...
How to mesh: Unfortunately, guys don't switch from everyday chatter ("Honey, have you seen my keys?") to insightful conversation ("Did I ever tell you about my childhood?") just
because there are on the table and it's Friday night. "Men respond to content-based communication rather than, say, a romantic atmosphere," says Ivy. "Most guys don't talk
for the sake of it" (as you've probably discovered over countless meals). To ensure your date discourse has spark, create some common ground. For instance, catch a movie or visit a
gallery before dinner. "The topics might not be personal, but you'll find out more about him and get that sense of intimacy you want through backdoor conversations that have nothing
to do with the relationship," says Ivy. And the benefit of having a conversation that's stimulating for him and insightful for you? The closeness it inspires will ignite that romance you've
been lusting after too.
TALK HURDLE
When There's a Problem
Guy style: He mulls it over without mentioning anything to anyone. When you prod for specifics, he gets annoyed.
Girl style: You spill every last detail. When he tells you exactly what you should do, you get annoyed.
How to mesh: When it comes to talking about a problem, he won't bring it up because (1) it requires talking about feelings and (2) it implies that he's asking for help. "Most men
think discussing a difficult situation makes them look weak, even though they usually feel better once they've talked it through," says Farrell. So you may need to coax it out of him. He
won't spill his guts the second you broach the issue, but he should come around if you ask an open-ended question like, "You seem preoccupied. What's up?" Initially, he'll say,
"Nothing I can't handle." So nudge again with something specific, like, "Is your boss still riding you?" If he wants your input, he'll talk. You, on the other hand, are wired to workshop
(and seek sympathy by proxy). "But when he hears you going on and on, he's likely to be overwhelmed by the volume of thoughts and feelings," says Nelson. In a word, it's torture.
And to deal (read: shut down the noise), he goes into fix-it mode. So if you want him to listen, preface your "sharing" with "I need to vent for a few minutes." "When he knows he
just has to hear you out for a short period, he relaxes and takes in what you're saying," says Nelson.
TALK HURDLE
At a Party
Guy style: He banters and courts friends, but he ignores you.
Girl style: You expect him to be the same attentive guy with you in public that he is at home, but he's MIA.
How to mesh: Climb inside his head. "He probably spends the majority of his out-of-work life with you," says Ivy. "So when he's out, he's not avoiding you; he's focused on his
friends." And if he's a little more outgoing, it's because he's posturing for approval. A guy will be more social in a group because it's how he maintains his place in the hierarchy.
Anyway, you don't have to be joined at the hip to feel connected at a party. "Set up low-key check-ins that allow you to make contact without infringing on his social needs," says
Nelson. Tell him you love it when he periodically catches your eye across the room. Or make a standing policy that he always keeps an eye on your cocktail and fetches fresh ones. It's
a tiny commitment, but it'll make you feel like he's looking out for you. And finding that middle ground with your man is what it's all about.
More on MSN Lifestyle:
Why can't he hear what you're saying?
How you turn him off without knowing it
10 things you should never say to a guy
The right time to tell him 'I love you'
4 unhealthy couple habits
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
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