Life Skills by William Allan Kritsonis, PhD

William Allan Kritsonis, PhD
Professor
PhD Program in Educational Leadership
Prairie View A&M University
Member of the Texas A&M University System

To be healthy we need good nutrition, exercise, time for relaxation, redefine roles,
establish rituals, refine communication skills, have a balanced diet, and reduce stress.

Regenerative professional behavior - Gradual professional improvement over time.

Degenerative professional behavior – Gradual lack of professional improvement over
time.

Stable professional behavior – Professional performance remains the same over time.

Intermittent professional behavior – Professional improvement comes and goes.
Things rapidly get better then get worse. Episodes can be severe and last for short or
long periods of time.

Managing My Anger

1. What are some reasons why I feel angry with myself?

2. What do I do when someone is angry with me?

3. How do I usually express my anger?

4. What are some of the consequences of my anger?

5. In what situations has my anger been appropriate?

Anger in Relationships

1. When I am angry with people, how do I usually treat them?

2. How do my actions differ, depending on the individual I am angry with?

3. How much power do I give to people who are angry with me?

4. How much power do I think I have when I feel very angry?

5. How have I used my anger to help someone?

2012 © William Allan Kritsonis, PhD
All Rights Reserved/Forever

Professor

Finding Your Strengths

1. What is your greatest personal achievement to date?

2. What is the biggest problem you have solved?

3. What is a deep commitment or principle you have – something about which you
never budge?

4. What personal motto do you live by?

5. What are three things that you do well?

6. If you died today, what three things would you most like to be said about you?

Solving Problems

1. What area of your life was involved in this problem?

2. What problem existed?

3. Who was involved?

4. How did you solve the problem?

5. What did you learn from this experience?

6. How could you apply these lessons to your life?


Professor

Discover Your Beliefs

Please read the following list of self-defeating beliefs. Put a check mark beside
the beliefs that affect your own thinking.

BELIEFS ABOUT YOURSELF
1. I should never make mistakes.
2. I must please others to be worthy.
3. If people knew me as I really am they would not like me.
4. To please others is better than to please myself.
5. I am not capable.
6. I am not a worthwhile person.
7. If I died, no one would notice.
8. My opinions don’t’ matter.
9. My thoughts are dumb.
10. I am a bad person.
11. The bad things I’ve done cannot be forgiven.
12. I am not as smart as others, so I’m no good.
13. I don’t deserve pleasure.
14. I will not be attractive when I am older.
15. I am not capable of loving people.
16. I must live up to others’ expectations.
17. I am powerless and helpless.
18. I should never be angry or irritable.
19. Unless you worry about a problem, it gets worse.
20. If I am a good parent, my children will be perfect.

BELIEFS ABOUT THE WORLD
1. People can’t be trusted.
2. People don’t want to listen to me.
3. The world is not a safe place.
4. If I am happy, something bad will soon happen.
5. The world won’t survive and neither will I.
6. Life isn’t fair, and I cannot handle that.
7. People can’t be trusted.
8. The world owes me a living (or needs to take care of me).
9. Most other people are happier and better off than I am.
10. You need to be smart, rich, powerful, and attractive to be happy.

BELIEFS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
1. What my partner says or does reflects on me.
2. If my partner is attractive or unattractive, it reflects on me.
3. My job is to improve my partner.
4. My partner is supposed to take care of me.
5. Men can’t be trusted.
6. Women can’t be trust.
7. My partner can’t survive with me.
8. I can’t survive without my partner.
9. I can’t attract (or keep) a good person.
10. All the good men (or women are already taken)

QUESTION YOUR BELIEFS

Look at the three beliefs that you just checked. These beliefs have the strongest
effect on you. They could lead to future problems. Ask two questions of each belief you
identified:

1. IS THIS BELIEF TRUE? What evidence do I have that the belief is true? What
is the evidence against this belief? Does this statement always hold up?

2. DOES THIS BELIEF HELP ME? Is this belief useful? Does this statement
promote any happiness and well-being? Will this thought be a positive factor in
my life?


Professor

Making Decisions

Making choices is part of life. Although you do it all the time, you may not
realize that you make many decisions every day. Decisions that are a part of your daily
routine become habits.

Exercise 1: Decisions, reasons, feelings
Think of two decisions you made in the last week. On this page write down what
those decisions were, why you made the, and how you felt about the results.

EXAMPLE

Decision: I decided to write a letter to my friend Dave. I told him I was sorry that I didn’t pay
him back he rent money. I told him where I am and promised to pay him back as soon as I can.
Reason(s): I wanted to make amends. I felt bad that I didn’t pay Dave back. I wanted to let him
know that I’m going to pay what I owe.
Feelings about the result: I felt better after writing the letter. It was the right time to tell Dave I
was sorry.

DECISION: ____________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

Reason (s): ____________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

Feelings about the result: _________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________


Professor

Managing Money

Few of us get the training needed to make good choices with our money. Money troubles
may become tangled up with other parts of life. Money management tools are useful for anyone.
They will help you deal with debts, make a realistic budget, make your budget work, get help
with money problems, and control your spending and saving.

FIXED MONTHLY EXPENSES include regular and predictable expenses that come due very
month:
1. Rent
2. Telephone
3. Utilities
4. Insurance (health, car, life)
5. Transportation (car payments, gas, bus or subway)
6. Child care (support payments, babysitting, health, and school costs)
7. Debt repayment (credit cards, student loans, and other loans)
8. Other

PERIODIC EXPENSES include bills that you pay once or several times a year. If you don’t plan
these expenses they can throw you into a crisis when the bills suddenly come due:
1. Car (insurance, license tabs plate renewal, general maintenance, repairs)
2. Emergencies
3. Home expenses not covered by insurance (prescription medication, over-the-counter
medicine, counseling, clinic visits)
4. Dental work
5. Other

FLEXIBLE EXPENCES include optional items or discretionary spending. Even though you
need many of the items in this category, you have more choice in how much you spend on them:
1. Groceries
2. Health and beauty products (hair care, cosmetics, nails, toiletries, memberships
3. Clothing and shoes
4. Gifts
5. Eating out
6. Vacation
7. Magazines, newspapers, books, tapes, records, CD’s
8. Entertainment, movies, concerts
9. Charitable donations
10. Other


Professor

Coping with Stress and Anxiety

When you notice conflict situations, do the following:

1. Ask yourself, “What’s going on?”

2. Name your feelings.

3. Identify the event or situation you are in.

4. List your beliefs or thoughts about it.

5. Challenge yourself and respond with positive action.

Here are some ways to cope with stress and anxiety:

1. Exercise

2. Get good nutrition in your diet.

3. Avoid too much caffeine or nicotine.

4. Get enough sleep.

5. Ask for help.

6. Get busy with things you enjoy.

7. Take inventory of yourself, your vision, your future.

8. Take it slow – stop rushing – take care of yourself first.


Professor

Values & Personal Responsibility

There is only one person who can change your life – you. Personal
responsibility means accepting that each of us is responsible for the way we think,
feel, and act.

Personality responsibility in your life means:

1. Setting goals and completing them.
2. Following the rules, regulations, schedules, or policies.
3. Participating in group activities and dealing with any frustrations or feelings
that come up.
4. Learning and refining living and coping skills.
5. Respecting the rights, feelings, and personal property of others, and being
honest with yourself and others.
6. Asking for help when you need it.
7. Bringing complaints or problems to the forefront through the proper channels.
8. Not making excuses for mistakes.
9. Being responsible gives you the power to grow, change, and be successful.

Personal responsibility means taking care of yourself consistently and
following through on your commitments. The better way means:

1. “Fake it till you make it.”
2. Personal responsibility means doing the responsible thing, even if you
don’t feel like it.
3. Honesty
4. Respect
5. Self-discipline
6. Sticking it out to the end
7. Growing personally and professionally


Professor

Conflict with Others

Interpersonal conflict is a very common factor.

If you get into arguments that go nowhere, you may be
following one of the following destructive communication patterns:

1. The self-summarizing syndrome is when you explain your position
over and over in different words, thinking that when the other
person finally understands you, he or she will see the correctness
of your position.
2. Off-beam is when you begin discussing one problem and someone
switches to another problem. You may switch again as more and
more issues keep coming up with no resolution in sight.
3. Mind reading is when you assume you know what another is
thinking, feeling, or wanting. These assumptions are usually based
on your past experiences with that person or your idea that the
other person is exactly like you. For example, if you make a new
friend, you assume your partner will like the friend as well.
4. Staying in the past is when you respond to another person on the
basis of his or her past behavior. You refuse to acknowledge that
the person has gone through slow, subtle changes in behavior. If
the individual once liked a Greek dinner, you assume he or she is
always in the mood for one. Change is slow and gradual and needs
to be recognized rather than criticized.


Professor

Skills to Cope with Conflict with Others

Trust is needed to face and fairly resolve conflicts. The following steps will help
you slowly to rebuild another’s trust in you:

1. If you have broken your partner’s trust in you, accept responsibility for deciding
to violate your partner’s trust.
2. Take action: Apologize. Focus on the intimate relationship. Take on additional
responsibilities. Be giving and sharing toward your partner. Fulfill obligations.
3. Improve your communication about the problems that lead to the breach of trust.
4. Consider joint counseling.
5. Ask your partner to appreciate your new positive behaviors and give you room to
make mistakes.
6. Ask your partner to try to believe in you and not judge you based on your past
behavior, even if he or she is unsure about your sincerity.

Active Listening

There are two kinds of listening – passive and active. Passive listening means
listening carefully to another person while establishing good eye contact and remaining
silent while the person speaks. This can be helpful when the other person needs you to
listen and not do something else at the same time. Active listening means communicating
with someone without giving advice or interviewing. Active listening is like being a
mirror for the other person without judging them or telling them what to do.

To be an effective active listener you must:
1. Listen carefully and try to understand what is being said.
2. Do not send a message of your own (evaluation, opinion, advice).
3. Feed back only what you feel the other person meant. Nothing else! This means
either feed back the feeling expressed, feed back the essence of what was said, or
summarize what was said.
4. Use your own words as much as possible. Avoid parroting.
5. Don’t tell people what they are feeling.
6. Ask for feedback on your accuracy.


Professor

Negative Inquiry

Sometimes people express dissatisfaction with others in ways
that are veiled or indirect. There is a way of help another person to
clarify his or her criticism of you.
The assertive questioning technique called negative inquiry.
Clarifying questions that begin with “What is it about?” or “In
what way am I…?” actively prompt responses from another to get
information or help him or her vent anger.
By asking for constructive criticism directly, you can help
your spouse, boss, friend, colleague, and others to be assertive and
direct. By permitting direct criticism you do not need to
manipulate another’s behavior. Because your question to the other
person is not critical of him or her, this technique does not
encourage defensiveness.

Useful beginnings of negative inquiries are: “What is it about
what I am doing that you don’t like?” “In what way am I doing the
wrong thing?” “Can you give me an example of what I’m doing
wrong?” “What would you like me to do differently?”


Professor

Monitoring Your Conflicts with Others

1. When, with whom, and in what situations did the events take place?

2. What were you doing, thinking, and feeling?

3. How did you cope?

4. Were you tempted to do something?

5. What would you do differently next time?

6. What did you learn from the conflict?

Create Your Own Monitoring Plan

1. Stay calm. Use relaxation or visualization techniques to stay calm or calm
yourself down.
2. Determine what is wrong. Use active listening techniques, identify self-defeating
thinking errors, and stop using destructive communication patterns. Identify and
destructive communication patterns: you languages, the self-summarizing
syndrome, off-beam, mind reading, and staying in the past.
3. Ask for what you want but don’t demand it. Then negotiate for changes when the
other person states his or her position.
4. Build trust back into the relationship.


Professor

Coping with Emotional and Physical High-Risk Factors

Negative emotional states often create high-risk situations. People get emotionally upset
– angry, afraid, sad, frustrated, guilty, and worried. Two important emotions in particular are
anger and guilt.

Signal’s that your anger is becoming a problem. Here are five signals that your answer is
getting out of hand.

1. It’s too frequent. You get angry when it isn’t necessary or useful.
2. It is too intense. High degrees of anger rarely produce positive results.
3. It last too long. Your anger doesn’t subside within a reasonable amount of time after the
appearance of a conflict.
4. It leads to aggression. If you have been treated abusively or unfairly, you may be temped
to attack the offender verbally or physically.
5. It disturbs work or relationships. Either you are not able to do a good job at work because
anger is interfering with you concentration, or people are staying away from you because
of your anger.

Recognize the feelings behind anger.
1. Anger is often a reaction to another feeling.
2. If someone or some situational disappointment, hurts, threatens, scares, or frustrates you,
your anger is likely to come into play.
3. Think of anger as secondary, the smoke after the fire is extinguished, and ask, “What did
I feel first?” or “What else do I feel?” Anger alone does not communicate as much as
your initial feelings.
4. You probably feel less vulnerable when you talk about your anger, but the “softer,” more
vulnerable feelings behind it need to be expressed.

Identify the feelings behind your anger.
1. Remember, anger is frequently a response to feelings of frustration, fear, hurt, or
rejection.
2. An emotional injury often precedes anger. Think back to the last time you were really
angry and then answer the following questions.
a. What happened?
b. Who was there?
c. What actions did you take?
d. Why did you think?
e. What physical sensations did you have?
f. What feeling(s) did you have before the anger?
g. What else did you feel besides anger?


Professor

Neurotic vs. Healthy Guilt

Neurotic or unhealthy guilt is self-blame for something you’re not responsible for,
or for violating beliefs from your past you no longer hold.

How do you tell neurotic guilt apart from healthy guilt? Ask the following:
1. Did I intentionally or deliberately intend to damage another person?
2. Did I know better? Did I ignore information already in my possession that
would have helped me avoid harming someone?

If the answer is yes to either question, you are probably experiencing healthy
guilt.

Healthy Guilt

Healthy guilt is real because you made a mistake or hurt someone. These
simply guidelines allow you to react responsibly to your error:

1. Take responsibility. You did it and can be accountable in a dignified way.
2. Look at yourself with compassion. Tell yourself you are human and that
you’re doing your best with what you know at the time.
3. Make amends if it would not make things worse.
4. What can you learn from this mistake? What will keep you from repeating it
again?
5. Ask your Higher Power or Inner Wisdom to forgive you.
6. What is life trying to teach me?


Professor

Social Pressure to Drink Alcohol or Use Other Drugs

Have you ever used alcohol or other drugs when …
1. Someone offered you a drink or a drug?
2. Your friends teased you about not using alcohol or other drugs?
3. You felt strange because you were the only person not drinking using drugs?
4. You were offered a drink or a drug and felt uncomfortable turning it down?
5. You were with people with whom you had always used alcohol or other drugs in the
past?

If you answered yes to any of the above, social pressure to drink alcohol or use other drugs may
be a high-risk situation for you.

Having Fun with Others

1. You wanted to share an intimate moment with someone?
2. You wanted to celebrate a special event with a friend?
3. You were out with friends and felt drinking alcohol or using other drugs would make the
occasion more fun?
4. You wanted to enhance your sexual pleasure?
5. You wanted to loosen up at a party?

If you answered yes to any of the above, having fun with others may be a high-risk situation for
you.

Conflict with Others

1. You had a disagreement with someone at work?
2. You were not getting along well with a friend?
3. You had an argument?
4. You were angry at someone?
5. You had a disagreement with your parents, spouse, friend, or a family member?

If you answered yes to any of the above, conflict with others may be a high-risk situation for
you.


Professor

Finding Support in Other People

Gaining emotional and spiritual support is central to successful living.

1. Discover your circles of sharing.
2. Reflect on your circles of sharing.
3. Decide who to ask for support.
4. Make contact with new people.
5. Meditate on spiritual passages.
6. Choose a spiritual practice.
7. List your sources of inspiration.
8. Interview or talk to people who inspire you.
9. Create your circle of support.

To gain support, begin by getting a clear picture of the kind of support you
already have. When you speak, you make moment-by-moment decisions about
which of your thoughts, feelings, and needs to share with others. Some things you’ll
share with many people, even those you’ve just met. Other things you probably share
with just a few people. Finally, you might have secrets – things you’ve shared with
no one yet.

Circle of Sharing

1. Things you would share with no one.
2. Things you would share with only a few people.
3. Things you would share with many people.

Always reflect on your circles of sharing.


Professor

Destructive Thinking: Can You Stop the Cycle? Cognitive Distortions

At the onset of depression there begins a chain reaction of negative
cognitives – almost like a single spark that begins a bonfire - triggering an
explosion of negative thoughts. When people are depressed, such negative
thoughts occur literary hundreds of times a day, each generating more
misery and pessimism. Like the bonfire, once started, the depressed person
may actually throw on additional “logs” to keep it ablaze. The repeated,
often almost continuous, negative thoughts keep depression alive and
interfere with emotional healing.
It is entirely possible to learn some systematic techniques that can
effectively stop the destruction. The first step in this process is identifying
the types of cognitive distortions.

1. Negative Prediction: This is the tendency to make highly negative,
pessimistic predictions about the future, for which there is no
evidence. This type of thinking leads to increased despair and
hopelessness. Example: A depressed woman thinks, “I’ve been
depressed for months. “ I’m never going to get over this…nothing will
ever get me out of this depression.”
2. All-or-None Thinking: This is a distorted view of yourself or reality.
Example: A recently divorced man spends a Friday night alone at
home. He hoped a friend would call, but none did. He concludes,
“No one cares about me.” The reality may be that he does in face
have friends and family who care a lot about him, but they simply did
not call this night.
3. Jumping to Conclusions: This is the tendency to conclude the worst
in the absence of substantial evidence. Example: A woman applies
for a job and is told, “We will call you on Monday if you got the job.”
By Monday noon she has not heard, and she concludes, “I know I did
not get the job.”

4. Tunnel Vision: This is the common tendency when one is depressed
to focus selectively on the negative details, to dwell on them and tune
out positive aspects of a situation. Example: A middle-aged man
walks by a mirror and notices his pot belly. He thinks, “I’m
disgusting. No wonder women aren’t interested in me”. The fact that
he is somewhat overweight may be accurate, but at that moment in
front of the mirror this is what he focuses on exclusively. He sees
himself as disgusting. It may very well be that he is a kind and
sensitive manner.
5. Misreading the situation: Thinking you are at fault; an assumption
that may not be accurate. Example: As a man comes to work, he says
“hello” to his boss. The boss nods his head but says nothing. The
man concludes, “Boy, he must be mad at me.” This may or may not
be an accurate conclusion. If he does not check it out with his boss,
he may worry needlessly. Many alternative explanations are possible.
The point is that we cannot read each other’s minds, and there is a
strong tendency for people who feel depressed to overact and
personalize, especially when they fear criticism or rejection.
6. “Should” Statements: This tendency insists that things should be a
certain way, and can be directed toward oneself, toward others, or
toward reality. “Should” statements always have the effect of
intensifying painful emotions; they never reduce misery or change
situations. Example: “He shouldn’t have left me. I was so good to
him. I gave my whole life to him!”

Each of these cognitive distortions shares two things in
common with the others: First, they distort in some way one’s view of
reality resulting in a loss of perspective and extremely negative and a
pessimistic view of oneself, current situations, and produces
intensifying pain. Second, if unrecognized and unchallenged, such
distortions in thinking will result in an ongoing destructive depressive
process. It is very important to interrupt this process. The first step is
to recognize such cognitive distortions as they occur. There is
realistic hope.
Adapted from Recovery Today, Publication of the Institute of Chemical Dependency Studies, October 2, 2006.


Professor

Meditate On Spiritual Massages – Choose a Spiritual Practice

The following are called spiritual practices:

1. Joining a support group.
2. Meeting with a mentor, or spiritual teacher.
3. Joining a church or other religious organization.
4. Reading inspirational books or pamphlets.
5. Listening to inspirational music.
6. Praying or repeating affirmations (Affirmations are short, inspirational sayings or
questions.)

SERENITY PRAYER

GOD
GRANT ME THE
SERENITY TO ACCEPT
THE THINGS I CANNOT
CHANGE, COURAGE TO
CHANGE THE THINGS
I CAN, AND WISDOM
TO KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE


Life Skills by William Allan Kritsonis, PhD

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