SUPERSTAR! Magazine

15
"Lucky" Stiff
TAKES THE LEAD
olin Cochrane is witty company,
stealing hearts not simply because the
actor, author and honorary Einstein of
Comedy Physics is sipping PG Tips tea in the
early afternoon instead of Long Island Iced
Tea. We caught up with him by cell phone
from the bustling set of his eponymous TV
show, Heist, in which he plays, what else, ex-
jewel thief Alastair nicknamed "Lucky," the
jaunty private dick paying back in time, blood,
brains and sweat what he owes The Big Easy
P. D.
Superstar: So, you and Danae Nathan, exactly
how did you meet?
Colin: Cracking good story! We’d deplaned at
Louis Armstrong International and (chuckles)
started chin-wagging about having baggage...
Superstar: Months later she became your
dialect coach.
Colin: Yes, of sorts, for a Philly film, as a
friend, although we didn’t get many chances
to swot up much besides. Danae has this
extraordinary work ethic, you see, and after
that baking hot summer she was touring and I
was filming the fourth season of Heist back
here in L.A. so our schedules never seemed to
synch.
Superstar: But didn't you run into each other
at Cedars-Sinai radiology when you had--
Colin: A silly motorbike dustup, that's all.
Superstar: And isn't it true you've never healed
properly, still suffer bouts of debilitating pain,
and considered leaving your wife, Emma, way
before you were caught sharing more than tea
with Danae at the Fleur de Lis?
Colin: (Annoyed voice) Rubbish.
Superstar: Emma's alliance with your agent
Jake Klein on SWEET TALK: DESSERTS FOR
LOVERS, didn't that involve some one-on-one
late night tastings?
Colin: Bollocks, you effing.... (Grumbles, hangs
up). Copyright 2010 Writersync
C

16
QQQ&&&AAA wwwiiittthhh ttthhheee AAAttttttooorrrnnneeeyyy fffooorrrmmmeeerrrlllyyy
kkknnnooowwwnnn aaasss “““AAAccceeehhhooollleee...”””
ou may know
Jake Klein from
his hairy turn at
card tables and
Hollywood's hottest agent,
though these days the bald
brief reader books wealthy
donors for the Board of
Directors, heading the
liver transplant wing at
Children's Hospital in
Philadelphia founded by
his childhood pal, Ripe
poet Danae Nathan.
Recently, SUPERSTAR
readers had the chance to
ask the legal eagle some
advice concerning their
own goings and comings.
My lover is jealous of my
wife, Bunny, whom she
keeps threatening to boil.
Do I have any sort of rights
to control the use of
kitchen appliances? I sure
as hell never considered
this situation to break in
her Demeyere cookware!
FUTURE
VEGETARIAN
Dear FUTURE VEG,
Faithfulness is more
important than your lover's
scorching pots protected
with invasion of privacy
torts, so if you can’t stand
the heat, stay out of the
kitchen. Short of mea
culpa, cold chicken soup,
or a restraining order, I
suggest from experience
that you discuss your
feelings frankly, contact
your local SPCA, or hold a
séance with Beatrix Potter.
I’m hoping to impress a
zaftig gal with a kosher
wine 'n' dine that’s not as
predictable as Philly debs
coming out so she’ll eat
me up too. Suggestions?
A/C-D/C
Dear A/C-D/C,
Rendezvous at The White
Swallow, a quaint little OU
certified bistro on a funky
side street in the steep
Manayunk Design District.
P.S. Don’t forget the
blessings on the bread,
booze, and dress to
impress with the right
footwear because you
never know when she
might run screaming for
those hills out of your life.
What's the deal with a
special Jewish divorce
decree? I don't get "The
Get."
WEDDED BUT NOT
BEDDED
Dear WEDDED,
The Get is expressly a
religious legal document
breaking the existing bond
created through marriage,
and acknowledging in
twelve lines that the
divorcing individuals are
now free to remarry
according to Jewish law.
And boychik, take a tip
from me, if you ever want
a second go with a nice
Jewish girl, it's a necessity!
Y

MMuunncchh AAddoo AAbboouutt NNootthhiinngg??
YYoouu bbee tthhee jjuuddggee..
**
““VVootteedd BBeesstt CCaajjuunn KKoosshheerr DDeellii!!””

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19
DDDoooeeesssnnn'''ttt ttthhhaaattt
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SSSaaammm NNNaaattthhhaaannnHOW CAN YOU NOT TRUST a bear of a guy
with warm brown eyes and a buzz-cut? OK, so
the sweet n' cuddly ex-King-of-Wall Street isn’t
out to make a big statement. But Sam Nathan’s
brawny good looks add to his everyman appeal,
making him stand out among a sea of financial
posers. Certainly, he wouldn’t have bet on
himself to become a bonds trader. Truth is he
wanted to bat for the Yankees. “I never aimed for
the fence,” says the 50-year-old baseball fanatic.
“I just knew the higher I came out swinging, the
better chance I had of succeeding,” and it’s this
easy-going confidence that makes him such a
catch. In fact, Nathan just finished swapping
back the ratty blue cap he habitually wears for a
chef's toque. Contrary to his early days as
scrawny stock boy in his parents' neighborhood
hardware store--until he was "nailed" by the idea
of becoming a pastry baker.
Back when you were shelving
hammers, saws and screwdrivers, did
you dream of wooden bats, balls, or
runny batter?
Well, I never had dreams of striking out, if that’s
what you mean! (Laughs) My heroes were guys
like Sandy Koufax. Ron Blomberg. Mike Epstein.
And now Richard Greenberg and Billy Bean. My
goal was just to play, not play the money game.
Have your cake and eat it, too. Is it
true you and Danae met in grade school?
Yep. Six-years-old stuck in a time warp. At
recess, she was sitting on all that long hair next
to Judy, pretending to ignore me. Until I pitched
some marbles at her feet, she flicked the aggie
into my circle in the sand and knocked me the
hell out!
When did you start dating?
Technically, we were high school juniors,
doubling on and off public tennis courts.
I was tops at spin, and Eli, not as deft or silver-
tongued, kept licking the blood from his nose,
both of us defended by this flaxen-haired girl
swinging from monkey bars dukes up with Judy,
her zaftig tagalong, who by the way to this day is
just as scrumptious and has way more marbles
than advertised.
There’s been hot dish around for
years that you two did a bit of
canoodling in the back seat of that '71
Chevy Camaro you’re donating to
charity…
I don’t dignify rumors. Next question?
Gossip also has it you and Eli--
It’s been great talking to SUPERSTAR! Don’t
forget to stop in at The White Swallow or take
home one of our luscious cakes and pies coming
soon to a gourmet supermarket freezer near you!
Copyright 2010 Writersync

"Why poetry should make us squirm." ™
www.ripeverses.com

*.
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((SSoommeettiimmeess tthhee TTiinnsseell iinn tthhiiss TToowwnn iiss eennoouugghh ttoo mmaakkee yyoouu RReettcchh))
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The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences*
Salutes the Accomplishments of Colin Cochrane
*This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync. No ownership is implied.

Graduate college.
Get married. Have a kid.
Make casting rounds.
Disappoint family.
Take a master class.
Audition.
Slave as an extra.
Snag an acting coach.
Audition.
Snag an agent.
Book Comic Aid.
Compromise morals.
Star in a B-film. Enter deep depression.
Land a doomed American TV pilot.
Have another kid.
Hire a manager.
Get a starring role.
Hire a publicist.
Do the late night chat show circuit.
Discover publicist and accountant are having a fling.
Get fleeced.
Resent the perks that fame provides.
_________ or_______________________
Book a suite.
LIVE LIKE A CELEBRITY WITHOUT ALL THE DRAMA. CCHHAATTEEAAUU PPAARRIISS
In the heart of the Vieux Carre New Orleans.
*This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes ©2010 Writersync.

26
___________________________________
Simple Pleasures
What makes Chloe Cochrane smile? Find out the small stuff that makes life
grand, from trotting and cantering to indulging in fairy cakes to texting friends.
________________________________________________________________
The best thing I do for my health is ... breathe and try to be exactly where I
am, like my mum.
Three things that inspire me: mum, dad, my older bruv, and pets.
My favorite summer pleasure: riding Noble Locks, eating an ice cream!
Owning a horse has made me ... appreciate apples.
My biggest pet peeve is ... tittle-tattles and vicious slags that don't care.
The last time I went shopping, I bought ... skinny jeans, Cadbury Clusters.
If I have a free 10 minutes, you'll find me ... surfing RSS feeds or peeking @ the
hot4colin.com forum.. Shh, don't tell!
I never get tired of reading ... maths!
When I'm not in the mood to exercise, I tell myself ... Get off yer bloody bum!
The part of my body that I'm most confident about: This must be a trick question.
Aren't we all flawed?
What I love about my life is ... being alive.

NNoott eevveerryytthhiinngg iinn lliiffee iiss SSEEEEDDYY!!
**
EEmmmmaa CCoocchhrraannee,, PPrroopprriieettoorr
BBeellggrraavviiaa,, LLoonnddoonn
++4444 ((00)) 2200 77225588 55887700
*This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes ©2010 Writersync.

28
With Emma Cochrane
Mincing few words, the master UK cable telly chef, she of the best-selling
cookbook SWEET TALK: DESSERTS FOR LOVERS and soon-to-hit-the
shelves HOW TO BUTCHER MEAT BUT NOT YOUR HEART, hacks away at
the blood-hungry types who've turned her burners into a celebrity fetish,
and whatever else turns her off, and on...
SS: Do you ever get tired of reading or hearing false rumors, like
how easily you broke into in-house catering and appearing on the
small screen?
EC: Good Lord, yes! Food, like hearsay, can be fertile resource for
imagination, but the real joy is in the doing, there are limitless recipes
to experiment with, many ways to explore one's passions. In food, in
life.
SS: And marriage?
EC: Next question?
SS: Your parents passed away when you were three-years-old and
you lived in a Presbyterian orphanage until running off shy of your
eighteenth birthday. Who taught you Jewish cooking?
EC: Sadly, I'm a self-taught whipper-upper, as is evident in my hips
(Grins). But then I've always dreamt of a career in the culinary arts,
even though it wasn't proper for a woman back then. Which is a
shame, nonetheless it has changed, today there are many talented
artists in kitchens, and other areas.
SS: Scuttlebutt says you share many interests with a
certain poet, such as A MOVEABLE FEAST, one of your
favorite novels. Do you have any Hemingway moments
reminding you of preparing and eating something special
or unique?
EC: There are so many smells and tastes recalling fond
memories. Our family Creole Seder in 2006, for one, the
spicy red matzo ball soup, gefilte fish, beetroot horseradish.

29
Chicken gumbo with glossy black-eyed peas, fried green tomatoes, glistening pecan pie,
and its unexpectedly flaky crust topped off by hot pots of yerba maté. And of course the
deliciously symbolic scents wafting from the center plate, hand-baked matzo, fresh
bitter herbs, fruit and nut mortar, salty water, sacrificial lamb shank, and Cajun-spiced
roasted egg, raising other hard questions about faith and how one nightfall of blessings
can begin anew with joy and end restraint.
SS: Excellent "food for thought," particularly these days when we
have difficulty committing to one thing, one lifestyle, diet, one job,
one person...
EC: One passion. So much is offered outright, and are there any
modern women and men who aren't striving for something savory
yet challenging, though I suppose it can be stressful focusing for
some with so many eye-catching opportunities presented daily on
one's plate.
SS: What role do you think restaurants play in courtships?
Do you think people develop instant intimacy because there
are so many romantic eateries? Or perhaps less because we
just don't have the time or means?
EC: I think it's probably a bit of all three. But how exhilarating
to discover a new bistro or trat on the corner, and in our salad
days, Colin and I certainly loved that mix of scrummy food and
ambiance. Unfortunately, so many now in and around London and Los Angeles are loud
and staked out by intrusive reporters and paparazzi.
SS: You're a mature woman projecting a healthy body
image. Do you think young girls like your daughter Chloe
are moving forward or backward in their eating habits?
EC: People tend to stuff back feelings. Or conversely look
like cardboard cutouts of starving actresses not enjoying
food, attracting illness. Putting out bad vibes. Moderation,
that's the fork in the road to maneuver round, small
helpings, bits of everything with a splurge now and then on something decadent when it
strikes your fancy, and yoga and meditation early in the morning, positivity, that's the
yin and yang of it now for me. And Chloe.
SS: Many women fancy eating to sex-- would rather have chocolate.
EC: Cor blimey, why not both, open up and awaken your senses...
SS: Sounds steamy! With Passion tea?
EC: You could have. It depends--
SS: --on how long you want to linger?
EC: [The studio chef pauses with a wry smile]. Just not on the past.
©2010 Writersync

31
Adonai & Us
The Dublin Castle
Camden, London
AN OUTRAGEOUS raven-haired
beauty with Sabra roots,
experiencing liberation-through-
shimmy alongside a lithe cadre of
teary-eyed mishpucha: Haven't we lived this pop culture moment before?
In many ways, kayn, Matisyahu devotees say in
concert. But as the first night of this dreamy
"Jew-Boys' Challahpalooza Tour," a 12-date run,
progresses and its three shaggy members plus
talented backup tear through two-plus hours of
chaotic, breathless mysticism, it becomes clear
the frenzied drummer's DNA is just one of many
strands. The Mensch--what he's now called and
earned at 18-years-old, with approximately one album
and family scandal to his name--contains multitudes.
Show opener "To Dream: You Are the Light" from this
year's eight-song EP Fame Eater, succeeds with heady
whiffs of vintage Klezmer, melodies alternating between
major and minor keys, reminiscent of the human voice
Music

32
laughing, weeping, with bits of nerdy-boy-matures stage patter echoing the
band's early garage days. But their surprisingly rich musicianship sets them
apart: At various points, the drummer's sticks fly with both giddy abandon
and technical dexterity, his voice blending, purring, and sustaining stadium-
filling high notes, seemingly without significant digital assist-- and often as if
while dangling from clouds of stage haze or flung precariously mid-air over
sweat-slicked cymbals.
To be fair, the incessant davening comes off
a bit obsessive in the grand confines of
Dublin Castle. Clothes-wise, though, the
group's wardrobe cabal spares no expense,
kitting them in both standard rock gear
(black leather pants, wide belt, big buckle, black boots), and gonzo Orthodox
Jewish attire best describe as, variously, shtetl, Borough Park, and
Hollywood Bowl-of-Chicken-Soup with no costume changes to hinder the
show's swift momentum, but these are gornisht, mere
quibbles. At best, ADONAI & US are fantastic,
multifaceted fun--a Yiddish-Hebrew vamp on the upbeat
yet sad "Dis-Guy's Dybbuk" and lazy-dazed-erotic
"Shabbos Love Interlude," full-blown Brits-in-your-face
on resiny slow "Chai, Let's Go Get Sconed," and figures
of commanding Lubavitcher Rebbes-gravitas on the
hungry lamenting ballads "Ha-Shem Desires the Heart"
and unreleased "He and We."
Also, apparently, the audience-esteemed
gurus fashioned in glitter black kippot and
tallitot have nothing but praise and
affection for the fans they call "Adonaying"
anointing the crowd with anecdotal
blessings and "you are all members of Our
Tribe" exhortations throughout. That may
be true. But on this night, different from all other nights,
they're high-spirited and deliriously happy to bask in the
Jew-boys' light alone. A-
© 2010 Writersync

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I'm as big as...
3ft. 5in._____________ Beach party with new pals.
3ft. 4 in._____________ Start going to camp. Breathe air.
Learn how to make friends.
3ft. 2in.______________Still spending spare time alone.
3ft. 1in.______________Play video games without supervision
for days; develop repetitive stress injury.
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1
OOnnee ffoorr tthhee BBooookkss
LLoovvee && DDeeaatthh OOvveerr TTeeaa
((AAtt tthhee fflleeuurr ddee LLiiss))
You say brooding, exasperating, Self-Deprecating, polarizing Brit
like it’s a bad thing.
eet Colin Cochrane: Actor, pianist, composer, author, and self-
deprecating wit, he loves Dunhill cigarettes, sipping tea, eating sweets,
and playing a dapper ex-jewel thief but not his contractual face-fuzz or
leaving his family behind in London bound for location shoots in New Orleans,
the site of serial TV's eponymous Heist.
Status: Befuddled. By life, by technology, preferring chocolate chips to
microchips, and even if he could manage, texting is not the same as talking.
Love comes from the voice. But who can bloody hear him profess it with camera
phones snapping about on all sides, and good Lord, he misses Emma, his wife.
Enter Danae Nathan (nee Levy): Impatient
with the ordinary, the provocative author of RIPE
brings her juicy new read to New Orleans and just
as unworldly; she's dreamy, quirky but clever with true
depth. And real curves, an anomaly like her slightly wild,
untamed quality.
Status: Hovering mother, devoted daughter, loyal
friend, married to Sam, but lately there's baggage. She
needs MapQuest to find her g-spot and this little guilt
trip he's taking her on, she does not want to go.
At first sip LOVE & DEATH OVER TEA is about three couples and a
single man all facing 50, seven people stranded in hot water. An odd
number mostly because love is odd. It always leaves someone out.
Occasionally it is icy, but more often it is steamy, mystical, and full-bodied,
needs to steep, sometimes too strong, sometimes too weak. Either way, it
never turns out the way you’d expect. Like tea, love can be handpicked,
ripe, green and sweet. It might be medicinal, or similar to death, black.
You never know what bitterness is brewing beneath when on the surface fidelity is a
living, breathing entity. Think The Big Chill meets The Big C meets The Big Easy, where
when it comes to teas, small talk dies in agonies, as Percy Bysshe Shelley unwittingly
penned about sipping from love's cup with no clue whatsoever how the delicate roots of
seven lives will soon drown on the vine, dry, or intertwine.
Until next time!
Aurora Earl-Grey, Editorial Director
Copyright 2010 Superstar/Writersync
M

TTThhheee FFFiiirrreeesss ooofff hhheeellllll
AAA fffuuunnn ppplllaaaccceee tttooo ppplllaaayyy
GGGeeehhheeennnnnnaaa®
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copyright 2010 Writersync

38
Sixty Insane Seconds (give or take) with Ari Nathan, Genius
of Video Game Porn
LIFE'S A GAME IN 4D, THAT'S YOUR PHILOSOPHY.
UH-HUH, CUZ INTERACTIVE ENTERTAINMENT, LIKE LIFE, IS FREAKING
EERIE. A MOVING PUZZLE. I LIKE PUZZLES.
AT AGE 18, YOU CREATED GEHENNA®, THE AWARD-WINNING MASSIVELY MULTIPLAYER
ONLINE ROLE-PLAYING GAME, BASED ON...?
THAT PLACE OF EVERLASTING DESTRUCTION WHERE WICKED PEOPLE GO IN THE AFTERLIFE, THROUGH THE GATES AT
THE VALLEY LEADING DOWN TO A FIERY LAKE, RICH WITH SCENERY, AND LOTS OF DASTARDLY VILLAINS AND NUBILE
CONCUBINES.
ARE YOU RELIGIOUS?
DIDN'T USED TO BE.
AND DON'T YOU HAVE ADHD, AND UNTIL RECENTLY, A STUTTERING PROBLEM.
YEAH. IT WAS FRUSTRATING. MAN, I WAS FRUSTRATED.
WILL CODER-KIDS LIKE YOU EVER LEAD THE WAY BACK TOWARD SIMPLER VALUES, TRUE HAPPINESS?
THERE IS NO GOING BACK. AND VALUES, HELL, I MEAN, THE THING ABOUT TRUTH IS THAT WHO THINKS IT ACTUALLY
EXISTS. WHEN YOU'RE 12, YOU CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT AND GROW UP. REMEMBER WHAT IT'S LIKE IN MIDDLE
SCHOOL, HOW YOU WONDER WHAT KIND OF CRUEL DEITY WOULD DECIDE THAT THE BEST TIME TO PERFORM
BIOLOGY EXPERIMENTS ON YOUR FACE IS THE DAY YOU REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO LOOK GOOD, ACT COOL.
SO THE POINT IS...?
IN OUR CULTURE, NOT THAT WE WASTE YOUTH ON THE YOUNG, BUT EVERYTHING'S WASTED. ON EVERYONE.
ARE YOU GIFTED? OR SECRETLY INSANE?
I'M INSANE BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THIS BUSINESS IS INSANE. IT’S WHAT KEEPS ME
FUNCTIONING. IT’S HOW I EARN A LIVING. I BELIEVE ALL OF US ARE INSANE AND
DON'T KNOW IT. PEOPLE GET THIS IMPRESSION OF INSANITY BY OSMOSIS FROM TV
AND MOVIES AND MAGAZINES, SORRY. YOU SEE THESE PERFECT PEOPLE AND
THEY'RE VIRTUALLY NUTS. AND YOU'RE THINKING, "IF THEY’RE ALL WACK AND LOOK
THAT GOOD MAKING STUFF UP, WHY DO I WANT TO GET UP IN THE MORNING AND
WORK 9 TO 5 LIKE A NORMAL PERSON….”
OK. WELL, THANKS.
SURE, DUDE. ANYTIME. BEEN CRAZY FUN. COPYRIGHT 2010 WRITERSYNC

39
THE
IT ListThis Month SUPERSTAR
###111DDDAAANNNAAAEEE NNNAAATTTHHHAAANNN
Are you ready for
the world's most
cerebral word slut,
empowering women
everywhere who
feel passed over,
with a sense of
raw vulnerability,
restlessness,
loneliness and the
agony and ecstasy
of self coupled with
flowing lyrics and
ingesting them with
sustained arousal balanced by juicy rewards in an orgasmic arc?
Whew, a literal soul tryst comes true...
If only she would grant us an interview! This ethereal creature that alters the
atmosphere of every room she enters, does exactly what she puts her mind
to. Destined from the second she could walk and talk to do whatever she
dreams of, exuding an unexpected tenacity, a certain indefinable uncontrived
essence that makes you want to be in her presence, who has raised two
brilliant kids, encouraging them to be comfortable in their own skins, which
hopefully they will be, once the public eases up?
Who can blame a woman for something she didn't know she did, the lives she
unknowingly and forever altered? Someday soon, like other people and other
things, the truth will come out.
Meanwhile we might be cutting off our nose to spite our face,
but SUPERSTAR salutes the RIPE woman of stimulating words
who chooses for whatever reason at this time to zip her lips!

40
SUPERSTAR
BREW-HA-HA
WHO What
SUPERSTAR
Says
The 411 His “Who, me?”
Response
Still Sexy?
Colin
Cochrane
Age: 50
“This British wit's
lilting accent
launches countless
fantasies. Makes
self-deprecation
scrummy.”
“'Lucky' stiff, he's
built a criminally
addictive resume.”
“Golly, you’ve
given a bloke from
Blighty the ego
boost of a lifetime!”
His sky blue eyes
are the reason
Heist flies high in
ratings.
Sam
Nathan
Age: 50
"Bonds are still
tops to the Big
Apple broker, but
tell that to his
swooning foodies!"
"There’s no biz like
chow biz for the
busy bistro
savant.”
“Bite me,” he winks
whisking up fluffy
meringue.
He finds
statements and
menus with kiss
marks!
Eli Rubin
Age: 50
"Tall on ethics, and
filled with towering
hopes."
“Those soulful
eyes revive more
torn hearts than
defibrillators!”
"Practice
forgiveness."
(Religiously?)
So selfless God
anoints him (so did
Newsweek).
Jake
Klein
Age: 50
"A buff ex-agent
who tickles our
funny bones, and
other fun body
parts.”
“Easily satisfied
with the very best.
Maybe that's why
the player never
married?”
“Day we stop
lookin', dude, is the
day we die...”
GQ snapped him
for their Man of the
Year cover.
And giving from his
heart is why.
Fletcher "Stew"
Stewart
Age: 50
“The ginger-haired
chef displays
ballsy recipes with
boyish charm.”
“Seasoned, unlike
his hormones, he
wears legend (and
lost love) lightly.”
Sadly, when you
allow your life to go
public, you can't
expect people not
to have opinions
on how you live it!”
With the funds he’s
helped raise, this
hottie’s predicted
to be amFAR’s
poster gay, uh,
guy.
Aiden
Cochrane
Age: 18
“Oxford bound,
he's a seriously
sexy Klezmer Rock
drummer.”
“L.A. agents are
hot to sign this
emotionally naked
up-and-comer."
“No comment.”
(Obviously, he
follows his father.)
A recent ad for his
band shows the
muscle man in a
tallis texting you-
know-who…
Ari
Nathan
Age: 18
“The kind of teddy
bear you really
want to take to
bed…R-rated.”
“Living proof that
playing games can
get you
somewhere!”
“I don’t take this
stuff too seriously.
Now if I was
chosen Yankees
MVP…”
“Imagine cuddling
right off the bat
before being
ravished!” raved
Game Grrrls mag.
Seymour
Rubin
Age: 80
"A Jewish 'Archie
Bunker,' he's
irascible yet
lovable."
"Old-timer with a
temper milder than
the chubby
coronas he stubs
out underfoot."
“Feygele? Vey iz
mir! What kind of
farcockt thing is
that to say?”
A retired plumber
with a sunken
chest, big belly and
baggy plaid golf
pants.
Max
Levy
(RIP)
“Tough on the
outside, there was
mush on the inside
he tried to hide.”
A true visionary,
with cobalt eyes,
he loved from his
loins..."
"I'm open to
everything
imaginable!"
(We get the picture)
The graybeard
definitely stood the
test of time,” says
Time.

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49
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E.mbraces W.isdom!
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Q: That B.R.E.W. acronym, as a full-figured member of the "East
Eden God Squad," what does it mean to you, how does it make you
feel?
A: Like one of the luckiest women in
the world who never knew it. [Stares
at sky with tears in her eyes as if
Onion matzo isn't the only bread of her affliction]. Empowered.
Q: By...?
A: Life. Startling realizations about our religious, cultural and social
obsessions and real-life solutions that could and should encourage all of
us--no matter what gender, faith, color, shape and size--to express beliefs
and accept without bias.
Q: Easier said than done.
A: [Sighs] Chalk it up to being human. We all make mistakes.
Q: We goofed, big time. Last month's issue spotlighted your BFF, Danae
Nathan, but just as those pages hit the stands, you called our office with the
news that she declared a full-on media blackout!
A: Doesn't mean she's happy about it.
Q: Readers are still shocked, in outpourings of writing, emailing, and texting:
“Danae's words touch me, deeply” grieved one commenter on superstar.com.
“She has more life than anyone I know! I haven't met her and
might never, but she's changed me completely!” Apparently,
Danae has that effect on countless people.

50
A: She is a piece of work; oy gevalt let me tell you, even if she
occasionally has crazy head.
Q: Another quaint Judy-ism. Do you practice what you preach?
A: I'm not always proud of my behavior either [stifles sob]. Isn't it
amazing how we find new and creative ways to mess up our lives?
Q: Like being "Top Google Trend."
A: Do not go there! Has to be more to life than eating veggies,
counting carbs and watching Grey's Anatomy! And there's been so much absurdity about Danae on
trash TV! Beyond these months bare with the heavy weight of shame, blame and apologies!
Q: Right. And It might sound trite, from Zivia Levy's perspective of the
Zen philosophy her daughter ostensibly strives daily putting into
practice, but she reveals her soul to the world despite ongoing struggles
with the press, penning things heartbreaking, profound yet hilarious and
until lately lived as if she meant it. Now she’s mum and you must be...
A: Aching, you have no idea! And frustrated, sometimes it's easier living the lie [shoves knuckle
between teeth] but in truth Danae's been like a sister to me, and brave, even by phone, she makes
me see stuff neither of us wants to--
Q: Are you referring to your son Jesse's liver transplant, or Eli? Our sources say he's--
A: A wonderful man, devoted father, loyal friend, and don't go printing anything else or--
Q: We wouldn’t think of impugning his character! Uh, back to Danae, anything else
you’d like to share.
A: She lives deep, a thinker and staunch defender of women's self-
expression to the end.
____________________________________________________________
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information about our cultural and social obsessions,
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exclusive-only features like reader stories, music,
videos, T-shirts, B.R.E.W. mugs to browse,
B.R.E.W. jewelry, unisex infusions and fun polls!
. .

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55
SSUUPPEERRSSTTAARR IInnvveessttiiggaattiivvee PPrrooffiillee::
EEaasstt EEddeenn HHuummaann RRiigghhttss AAddvvooccaattee EEllii RRuubbiinn
ften we find the answers to our
bloodiest
moral
questions are on the
playground.
Take Eli Rubin. When
we first spied the
stoic scholar and
mathematical savant
in the summer of
2004, it had been a
night of passionate solidarity, coupled
with intellectual
head butting, yet
in the face of
doubt, he was
sipping a glass of
Sweet Touch Nee
tea, slumping
alone in the dark on some cracked
concrete steps. Mired in a chilling debate
between his faith and the ability to reach a
conclusion based on empirical
observations and facts, he kept pulling on
his trim black beard beneath the threat of
lightning, stretching out his cramped legs,
praying in a dazed haze for any measure
of bloodless restraint.
“I’m not made of stone,” he whispered,
head bowed, curly forelocks beneath his
kippah springing in his face. “Make it stop,
please, please,” he pleaded
pinching his nostrils,
peeking at the dark
thundering heavens, “please
give me strength to get
through this, especially at
home?”
Is the tall, spindly sad sack with a
chronic crimson drip deep in crisis? Is he
telling the truth, that he's just a
browbeaten Hebrew school teacher at the
cheder, the worn brick building in East
Eden, New Jersey, where the spectacled
man trudges more than a mile each way
toward its crumbling facade, at one time a
Reform temple before they relocated.
O

56
Is he just that, a cash-strapped Orthodox
Jew, adhering strictly to Mosaic laws, or
the most underestimated advocate in
America for a pious group despised by its
own faith?
For many years, something new has been
brewing in Orthodoxy—"orthopraxy," or
devotion to
defining its
practice but
not those
mandating
what one
should or
must
believe, and
evidence
suggests this is quite common among this
close-knit community. The concept of
following ritual laws out of a sense of
complacency—or even a level of belief that
compels personal choice but not
condemnation of others—even if they'll
denounce such leniency in practice.
When it comes
to issues of
daily worship
there's nothing
about keeping
the Sabbath or
avoiding milk
with meat that
is likely to conflict with conscience,
though for most dissenters, such aspects
of rigid obedience to rituals may not be
worth picking a fight, in the schoolyard or
otherwise.
But young Orthodox
Jews, and those
returning to it, are
proving they are more
than willing to put up
their dukes, at least to
the point of outwardly
acknowledging
emotional suffering in
their community.
These events represent
a brimming-over of a
roiling issue, in typical fashion for heated
debate in the Orthodox community,
reluctant to embrace engagement with the
modern world.
But these
changes aren't
enough to
solve the
problem of
exclusion in Orthodoxy. The whole
premise of tikkun olam, repairing the
world, relieving human suffering, is a call
for change, meanwhile, keeping laws
unswerving while liberal members ask
that others learn to acknowledge
diversity. Orthodox Jews face that
question in a way that no other modern
issue presents: Do you believe so strongly
in the necessity for compliance that you're
willing to suffer, or see friends or relatives
suffer.
For those who still answer "no," the fight
ahead will be bloody, not a win-win for
those struggling to
leave Orthodoxy behind
to embrace that which
seems like a world of
endless opportunities to
others coming from
relatively confining
attitudes, and to that,
we humbly say AMEN.
Copyright 2010
Writersync

UPYOURS®
The practical super-stick. For wounds that never heal. ™

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59
SSSmmmoooooottthhh
OOOpppeeerrraaatttooorrr
SSUUPPEERRSSTTAARR ddeellvveess iinnttoo tthhee mmiinndd ooff ccrraazzyy--bbuussyy oonnccoollooggiicc ssuurrggeeoonn DDrr.. EE.. RRiicchhaarrdd MMaarrgguulliieess..
AAnndd wwhhaatt wwee ffoouunndd iissnn’’tt aallwwaayyss ssaannee……
ind anyone in the public eye with a clear
conscience (if you can) and chances are they
haven’t yet visited the millionaire threadbare
Manhattan offices of the doctor considered
by most The Closest Thing to a confessional. That is,
unless your name is Danae Nathan.
QQQ::: Can you explain the severity of the provocative
poet's condition without risking the HIPAA privacy
rule?
AAA::: A non-issue, it's being leaked by the media as
we speak that she has an anaplastic astrocytoma,
Grade III. Its tentacles are growing rapidly,
spreading through the white matter of the cerebral
hemispheres. Hers is midline, diencephalic. A
monster. Removal is difficult.
QQQ::: How so?
AAA::: Impossible, without risking her life, navigating a
minefield of rock-and-hard-place options between
older treatments that will not work and cutting-
edge treatments with equally negative results. Not
to mention counterattacks from cadres of advocacy
groups supporting alternative-medicine therapies,
for-profit companies, quacks. And one of the
trickier things about helping cancer patients with
impaired thinking, learning, speech and emotions
to determine their coping skills is how differently
they all react.
QQQ::: What was Danae's reaction when you divulged
your diagnosis?
AAA::: (Slight pause. The silver fox smiles, then it fades,
his square chin lifting a few degrees.) She simply
stared straight ahead, reflecting upon my Salvador
Dali print, “All’s Well That Ends Well,” with its
positive and negative female figures dancing
toward the dreamlike dark angel of death framed in
clear glass hanging up on the far wall, whispering,
“And they say cancer docs don’t know how to
party...”
QQQ::: Amazing. Then you prescribed--
AAA::: Chemotherapy. And steroids. Immediately to
reduce swelling. In the cerebrum. Short term, I
advised a cycle of Temodar, an oral med that
interferes with growth in cancer cells, to slow the
spread of the tumor. After that, another MRI, and
more blood tests, though I suggested she think
extremely carefully about what other treatments
she did or did not want to investigate as worse
impairments arise.
QQQ::: Wow, Dr. Margulies, that's a depressing
mountain to climb.
AAA::: (Nods begrudgingly) Unfortunately starting with
multiple courses of fractionated, intracavitary
and/or intraarterial doses, from which most
patients suffer permanent changes in memory,
concentration, and the ability to perform mental
F

60
tasks dubbed “chemo brain,” an absurd Catch-22.
Clove tea, and cigarettes rolled with it lessen the
nausea. And of course, cannabis is a quick
antiemetic.
QQQ::: Are you saying she's comfortable with that?
AAA::: (Stern laughs at that last bit). We arranged
"first-line therapy" scripts for synthetic THC
through a colleague of mine in California. Though
he had second thoughts writing it. Neither is risk-
free. Or cheap.
QQQ::: Word is Danae struggled like hell to keep this
news from her family.
AAA::: How much more financial pressure does Sam
need. And fractionated radiation, 3-D conformal,
biotherapy and immunotherapy might also have
been useful to a degree, but with their dwindling
expenses, Danae's overall prognosis is, well, in her
situation, a sense of humor helps.
QQQ::: Another shining example of why you have to
hurt before you ever learn to deal?
AAA::: If not heal, emotionally speaking. You want me
to get inside a woman’s head. Married, at that
(Laughs softly). Please...
QQQ::: What does a tumor like this come from, how did
it happen, is it something she did, can she pass this
on to her kids?
AAA::: (The doctor stares down at his black crocodile
moccasins as though they are made of cement).
There is no identifiable cause, but it does occur
more frequently with a family history of colon
cancer. Either way, she has a rocky road ahead.
QQQ::: But she's done--
AAA::: Plenty, avoiding the press--her sole coping
technique--after getting concurring opinions at
Memorial Sloan-Kettering, John’s Hopkins, Dana-
Farber in Boston, Penn’s Abramson, and
recommendations for palliative care and gene
testing for increased cancer risk which mercifully
came back negative. Information is one thing; truth
another, adding more stress than the noxious
medicines Danae needs to down just to get through
her days. So show some compassion, give her a
break. Back off.
QQQ::: She states in one poetic verse, Change is
possible.
AAA::: May I state emphatically that she isn’t thrilled to
celebrate the fatalist she’s become, awakening
everyday realizing what she'd done, keeping her
family in the dark, feeling that disconnection, but
the French have this saying:
“Tout casse, tout passé, tout lasse—everything
breaks, everything passes, nothing
lasts.”
And she writes about that, a lot. Re-
reading it daily, struggling through
denial, then that feeling everything
happens for a reason; screaming
into bed pillows so no one hears her
bargaining with God to let her live
long enough to see her family settled and happy.
Ready to appreciate life and the living of it,
however raucous.
QQQ So Dr. Margulies, would you say Danae finally
sees the light through the window of experience,
sheer wisdom and the ruse of the media, Madison
Avenue, and those in this town who put way too
much emphasis on perfection, or what is currently
lauded by the major players in show biz as
perfection?
AAA::: No one forces a woman, or man, for that matter,
to change. Enduring illness or not, it’s more a
matter of learning to live with a measure of
comfort in your own skin.
QQQ::: At least that’s something Personal Choice can’t
claim’s a pre-existing condition!
AAA::: And though her sickness isn't "viral," she uses
that medium to fire back against those who balk at
censorship, inequality, and raises monies for
multiple charities.
QQQ::: Then what can we say to beg pardon? That
lame, awful, passé phrase: “You go, girl!” The world
applauds your honesty, Danae Nathan, your
willingness to speak out in print at least for those
who cannot. ©2010 Writersync. No affiliation implied

Dying for something dark and sinful?
There’s a chocoholic in everyone.
Danae Nathan found hers. Find yours at mms.com*
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COMING
SOON
SUPERSTAR PREVIEWS LOVE &
DEATH OVER TEA! GET NEWS!
ALL VERSE

4
Remind us never to come for dinner at
your place
Hey, I loved y'all's last issue spotlighting
the similarities between show biz and
family: the players and looming dangers
like pride, envy, greed, gluttony, lust,
anger, panic, repression, depression,
promiscuous sex, compound addictions,
all the destructive things that can lead to
failure and premature death. Laissez le
bon temps rouler!
Dr. Mort Chewary
Grim, LA
Yeah, Doc, those guys and girly-ghouls
really let the good times roll...
Shiksasphiel
Whew-w-w, book agent Paige Turner is
stacked! No wonder Jake Klein and the
guys in L.A. have fallen hard for her. Does
she play Strip Dreidel?
Mendel Klutz
Brooklyn, NY
Sorry, Mendel, hope your life insurance is
paid, but keep in mind that it's harder to
spin a line that tired while you're in
traction, or from the grave.
Fame-crazed
Mazel tov on the "Hooray for Hollywood"
issue! The pullout map of hot spots like
famous surgeons' offices was better than
any star bus tour!
Cher N. Sharealike
Anchorage, AK
Well, that's nicer than that chilly letter we
got from the karaoke singer who sued us for
Botox shots.
Keeping it in the family
Your special issue exposé on the Nathan
family secrets was a real mindblower. On
behalf of all men in lifelong therapy from
the City of Brotherly Love, I raise a glass.
David Duped Drinker
Philadelphia, PA
We appreciate the compliment, but if you
really want to honor Sam, how about you
toss the whole bottle and attend an AA
meeting instead?
Matzo Ball
Thanks awfully for the update on the
Cochran's kosher kitchen, garden, and tidy
garage! Bloody lovely decor, landscaping
and party tips!
Moshe "The Ladle" Smith
Liverpool Prison
Erm, we'd make some sort of snarky
comment if we weren't afraid some of your
chums in the big house for trunking would
take them for a ride.
Setting the record straight
Spill it, you bitches. Is a certain lawyer's
childhood friend the one who let it slip
that Jake Klein, not Eli Rubin, might be
the father of his four IVF fraternal twins.
T. Buzz Spreader
Hollywood, CA
We'd love to tell ya, T Buzz, but then we'd
have to kill ya...or take away
your copy of the Advocate.

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Stealing hearts...the least of his crimes.
Colin Cochrane is Alastair "Lucky" Heist.
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Finally, you' ve found the perfect read...
Love & Death Over Tea
(At the Fleur de Lis).
A contemporary novel
By Kay Goodstadt

5
Superstar Exclusive
FFFAAAMMMIIILLLYYY &&& FFFRRRIIIEEENNNDDDSSS::: AAA SSSTTTIIIRRRRRRIIINNNGGG BBBUUUNNNCCCHHH OOOFFF CCCHHHAAARRRAAACCCTTTEEERRRSSS!!!
EEEmmmmmmaaa CCCoooccchhhrrraaannneee (nee Brown): Orphaned at the tender age of three,
she's telly project analyst for the BBC, a wiz with figures. Puzzler,
figure-outer. Foodist, splendid cook. Loves to garden. Hates when
hubby smokes. Fastidious homemaker. Sleeps like a rock.
Dependable, sensible. A good fit, like a Birkenstock.
Status: Persevering, married to an actor. But her brown and
delicious Betty Crocker eyes are narrowing her focus on what
matters most, expanding her consciousness.
SSSaaammm NNNaaattthhhaaannn::: The Wall Street bonds trader rolling in dough
is a snappy dresser despite a belly fairly poured into
tailored shirts that obviate tucking, a CrackBerry addict
and conqueror of everyday dramas and a cunning
masturbator, which is why they dub him "The Fist."
Status: Cryptic, he could read a cookbook and Danae
would still turn the pages, such is the intimate power of
his soul. His outsize temper, penchant for late night
boozing and bingeing, and untimely loss of both parents
may also play a roll.
JJJuuudddyyy EEElllyyyccceee RRRuuubbbiiinnn (nee Pressman): A flowy skirt vegan and pious mother,
this ex-party girl wears a sheitel, a modesty wig so chic it's styled better
than her own side-swept cut, though lately she’s been daydreaming
about letting it grow and braiding it out her bedroom window.
Status: Mother of two exhausting sets of IVF fraternal twins and faithful
to Eli, a prickly enough subject for the baal teshuvah “returning" to
Orthodoxy strictly for her husband since they moved from Philly next
door to Danae and Sam. A mixed blessing now that they're nearly living in
each other’s skins in the affluent suburban hamlet of East Eden where the
downfall of fake friends comes first to all but them.

6
EEEllliii RRRuuubbbiiinnn::: Soft-spoken, the cheder teacher mired in debate between his
faith and the ability to reach conclusions based on empirical
observations chronically tugs his beard, stretching out cramped legs,
pinching his nose, praying in a dazed haze for any measure of bloodless
restraint.
Status: Mystified. An ex-CPA for whom life does not quite add up. A
solid family man, he's not made of stone, a co-debtor seeking strength
to get through hard times, especially at home.
JJJeeessssssiiieee,,, JJJooonnnaaahhh,,, KKKaaayyylllaaa,,, KKKyyylllaaa,,, the
Rubin tempests in a test tube,
two sets of fraternal twins at 18
months and 9 months.
JJJaaakkkeee EEEvvvaaannn KKKllleeeiiinnn::: The shrewd Hollywood agent is consistent, his ace-
in-the-hole. Why even his frenemies in the biz call him ace-hole, a player
respected by creatives and suits but as sick of slapping backs, doing squats,
lunges, and crunches as teabagging into the pouty mouths of gaunt waifs
and sending them home so he can raid his freezer for Chunky Monkey.
Status: Buff, and single, he's a lover of voluptuous figures, Sloe
Comfortable Screws, premium ice cream, and pricey footwear. Though
when it comes to the morning after, he's mostly fleet.

7
AAArrriii NNNaaattthhhaaannn::: A game whiz with ADHD whose language, math and science
skillz score off the charts, he works like the devil studying security and
risk analysis but feels like a failure trying to please his parents and tame
his twisted tongue.
Status: Coder-kid, hacker and text fiend acting in the sperm of the
moment, this eighteen-year-old Penn State freshman is freezing his
balls off avoiding the mainstream and his energy snacks are moot
during all four seasons: football, basketball, hockey, and baseball. Go
Yankees!
AAAbbbbbbyyy NNNaaattthhhaaannn::: The Former Goth-girl is now a fanatical Orthodox
Jew and fashionista, another fad, after gymnastics and ballet
lessons, but then again, maybe not. She's talented, studying hard,
giving up being a size 0 vegetarian--eating nothing but animal
crackers.
Status: Eerie--no, angelic really, a 20-year-old recuperating
anorexic and blogging Moore College of Art sophomore sick of
flushing away life's gnawing questions, responding in cyberspace
to the only person on God's good earth who knows what she's
going through.
AAAiiidddeeennn CCCoooccchhhrrraaannneee::: A gentle soul, taller than his father, the 18-year-old briefcase
wanker reads maths and computer arts at Wallingford, an A-level co-
educational public boarding school emblematic of England but is most
emphatically not, situated five posh miles to the southwest of London.
Status: Cambridge bound; a virgin piano prodigy playing classical as a rule when
he's not gaming, texting or procrasturbating.

8
CCChhhllloooeee CCCoooccchhhrrraaannneee::: A cheerful thoroughbred, this sweet
sixteen's candy-popping and winning humour
immediately put you at ease. A born veterinarian,
she reads maths and biology, gobbling up tittle-tattle
like the rest of Wallingford's news snackers,
chinwagging about her straight-laced dad whom all
manner of slags fantasize but will never shag.
Status: Boy-crazy in her royal blue crested blazer.
FFFllleeetttccchhheeerrr SSSttteeewwwaaarrrttt,,, aaakkkaaa SSSttteeewww::: Ginger-haired best chum of
Colin Cochrane and author of THE POOF COOK, he's a
professional foodie and self-outted bloke whose off-the-
record motto, like Parliament, remains "Better drunk than
absent."
Status: Haplessly single, stricken with AIDS, a secular Jew
bearing in mind a King James Bible passage he’s read
somewhere about what goes into a man’s mouth doesn’t
make him unclean, what comes out of a man’s mouth
makes him unclean, so what is one facing adversity to
infer except it's far better to swallow.
ZZZiiivvviiiaaa LLLeeevvvyyy::: Ultimate matriarch, she's wise beyond her years, with immeasurable heart, and a
weakness for Danish, a master painter, keen bridge player
and slightly biased yet intuitive mother and grandmother
living in an ode to Zen that looks like an explosion--in an
Asian bordello.
Status: Fiery, exhaling fierce plumes of unfiltered smoke
curling around her spiky going-white hair, a tiny cloud in
her downtown Philly studio loft cluttered with sexy
canvases, sable brushes, oils, easels, bottles of linseed,
turpentine, air-hardening clay, sculpting tools, a potter’s
wheel, and reeling with questions, she merely steps back
for perspective.

9
MMMaaaxxx LLLeeevvvyyy::: A notorious avant-garde photographer of pregnant nudes
with halos and angels wings and all sorts of spiritual metaphors,
deeply into the essence of form, with an exception eye for elemental
beauties, starting, but not ending with his wife.
Status: Tortured, the lens he saw life through, the lens he’d worn so
long he forgot it was a lens, an ageless animalist, as passionate as his
cobalt eyes and deep voice combining hints of danger with
eloquence. Open to everything imaginable, with the exception of
disclosing his colon cancer, since he loved with his loins until that
sultry summer night he died, RIP.
GGGaaabbbrrriiieeelllaaa LLLeeevvvyyy---MMMeeeiiirrr::: Software designer and hassled Tokyo traveler
forever en route, she somehow escapes the familial fleshy Russo-
German-Austrian fat cells, slim and stable from head to toe, sane,
consistent, trustworthy, a wonderfully supportive sister, fun to be
with, however, not inclined to play games.
Status: Proud newlywed, forever jet-lagged and sleep-deprived, she
doesn't look her age, has boundless energy, eats clean and
exercises.
MMMiiiccchhheeelllllleee MMMeeeiiirrr---LLLeeevvvyyy::: A problem-solving savant, she's hale of spirit, heart, body,
mind and smiles each day, grazing on power foods, drinking wine, weeping
over mushy movies as easily as modulating, controlling, refining and gathering
data, but not structural partitioning or information hiding.
Status: Resilient and mature, she still tends to blush a lot with intense notes
like a full-bodied Zinf.

10
EEEttthhhaaannn SSSttteeerrrnnn::: The Cedars-Sinai badge says it all, brilliant attending M.D.
at one of the leading hospitals in the nation, but rather than helping
him paying off the balance on his MasterCard to whom he owes more
than the gross national product of Chad, Sam Nathan suggests several
enticements through the lawsuit magnet's mutual friend, Jake Klein.
Status: Too young to feel so old, he's detached, but yearning,
massaging his temples, wishing he could melt life's unpleasantness
into a pitcher of vodka martinis, extra olives whenever he can find
time to shift that invisible steel in his spine.
EEE... RRRiiiccchhhaaarrrddd MMMaaarrrggguuullliiieeesss::: This prominent
NYC surgical oncologist has new millionaire threadbare decor and facial
expressions as stiff with his lips pressed together chewing on thoughts
so long they reach rigor mortis.
Status: Silver fox, this Valentino suit type makes the average woman
feel as wide as a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. His age?
Please, it's just a number, compared to the amount hidden in his Swiss
bank account.
SSSeeeyyymmmooouuurrr &&& SSSeeelllmmmaaa
RRRuuubbbiiinnn::: They're Eli's Tateh and Mameh, thorny
immigrants alarmed at unearthing the shattered
roots of their family tree.
Status: Retired, thanks be to God. Now the stubborn
alter kocker doesn't have to go down into those filthy
Philly sewers, laying mile after mile of copper pipe,
and the balabusta, his wife, isn't shvitzing in their
grubby office, fighting off bill collectors, for bupkis! So, nu, what could their youngest son have to say
that the whole neighborhood's not already shushking about from the kosher butcher to the bakery,
who knows? Draycup, pick up the phone!

where you’ve been
You’ve spent years trying to hide the extreme
difficulties of fame and mood swings with constant travel.
where you want to be
You want rumor control.
how to get there
Maybe NEUROTICA can help. NEUROTICA
helps control the symptoms of notoriety
and reduce the risk of relapse.
the NEUROTICA experience
Hundreds of thousands of patients have been prescribed
NEUROTICA.
NEUROTICA is used to treat manic episodes in dysfunctional families
and was shown to have a low risk of significant guilt gain in clinical trials.*
NNEUROTICA®
(presbyteriasemitica)
TABLETS and ORAL SOLUTION 1mg/ml.
Ask your healthcare professional
if once-a-day NEUROTICA is right for you.**
Individual results may vary.
*Significant guilt loss: NEUROTICA 35%, sugar pill 2%.
Masking Heartbreak
Takes Understanding:
What important information about NEUROTICA do I need to know?
Men and woman in their late 40s and early 50s diagnosed with broken heart syndrome as a result of an inattentive spouse (for example,
an inability to communicate deep feelings). Those who self-medicate with ice cream, pastries, alcohol, cigarettes or cannabis are at an
increased risk when compared to patients treated with pots of tea. NEUROTICA is not approved for the treatment of patients with
emotionally needy relatives or friends. Common side effects include meddling, crying, nausea, overeating, excessive praying, texting and
video game playing with an inner sense of restlessness.
Serious side effects can occur with any antidepressant medicine, including NEUROTICA. Tell your doctor or healthcare professional
immediately if you have or develop any conditions or side effects, such as:
 Crushing guilt, particularly reported in clinical trials for females in their 20s-50s.
 Excessive cravings for imprudent companionship, which may be a sign of addiction.
 Incurable romanticism, sexual fantasies, or irrepressible appetite for advice.
It’s important to tell your healthcare professional about all the medicines you’re taking. There are risks for interactions with
NEUROTICA. You should avoid alcohol while taking NEUROTICA. NEUROTICA can affect your judgment. Until you know how it affects
you, you should not operate machinery, sign contracts, tackle new recipes or drive luxury cars or motorcycles. You are encouraged to
report negative side effects to the FDA.
**This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync.

12
YYoouurr WWeeeekkllyy WWhhiiffffss ooff ““SSuuppeerr”” SSttaarr SSccaannddaall
BByy AAuurroorraa EEaarrll--GGrreeyy
BBeeeepp......bbeeeepp......bbeeeepp,,
bbaacckk uupp tthhee ttrraasshh
ttrruucckk,, ppuullll tthhee lleevveerr
Welcome to this, your
official Colin Cochrane
Gossip Compactor! Wife
Emma, UK chef and star of
"The Kosher Connoisseur"
on American cable TV told
SAY WHAT last week he is
"an emotionally generous
and loving" hubby and
dad, never dissing her or
Ash (formerly Aiden), front
man of Adonai & Us, and
UK equestrian champ
Chloe. But there are
persistent rumors, totally
wack, that the brooder
who plays 'Lucky' Heist
weekly begs, "Let's move
back to Blighty and have
another rugrat!" Right,
mate, it sounds like she
sniffs, as if.
MMoorree jjuuiiccyy ttiiddbbiittss
Lookee, there's eye-
popping Sam Nathan,
newly svelte ex of Danae,
sexy scribbler of Ripe,
telling reporters at a shall-
remain nameless
unbalanced and unfair
Manhattan network cable
news affiliate all about
their 25 years of married
bliss. Yet he never
mentions bf Eli Rubin,
rights advocate, friendly ex
of Judy, unrestrained blab-
blogger, mommy of their
four IVF fraternal twins
born one year apart, and
hard at work on a shocking
print tell-all reports a
cyber-source close to mum
lawyer Jake Klein.
AAddddiittiioonnaall
aauuttoobbiiooggrraapphhiiccaall
ssccrraattcchheess
What could Sam Nathan’s
pending memoirs amount
to next to the previously
mentioned book but more
pointed jabs, this time at
Wall Street? The man
dubbed "The Fist" will
introduce his boozy life
story, Scotching the Myth,
to the world on the last
day of the Big Apple Book
Festival, coinciding with
the healed alcoholic-slash-
tea tippler's birthday.
Shame East Eden, NJ's
Danae didn’t share any
sobering editing tips. Talk
about pouring your heart
out! Brew-hoo!
BBaallllss aaffiirree oorr aa--ffoouull
And speaking of artistic
chops, buff-guy Klein, of
IAA fame, has sicced
himself on reparative
therapist Dr. Steve,
divisive TV guru, and host
of "Going Straight." The
doc's sin? He said dudes
drawn to other dudes—
and he cited a certain
bistro owner/Yankees
fanatic and a pious
philanthropist's closet
boot-bumps, most likely
suffered childhood
trauma. Er, wasn’t Judy,
the former Hollywood
rep's current fiancée, also
Sam Nathan's virgin love
excursion, proving he bats
for both teams? A sticky
quadruple court battle is
sure to ensue. Hmmm.
Stay tuned…
CCiirrccuullaattiinngg lliikkee mmootthhss
aarroouunndd aa ssttrreeeettllaammpp
A picture is worth a
thousand words, but
Ooooh, ooooh; we got
tapes too, coos spot-on
exploitation station SBZ
about that infamous '04
starry night French
Quarter "Dalin"

13
rendezvous. Meantime,
lawyer Klein, trolling for
soundbytes, tells the
tawdry celeb outlet
they're one foot in doop
deedee--slander,
defamation, hot water,
you name it--for
leaking/faking three NOLA
Fleur de Lis tea tapes.
OOnnee--aarrmm bbaannddiitt
Sidelined Chief Attending
Physician at Cedars-Sinai
Evan Stern may have
seemed an odd choice to
play guest host at the
opening of Dice Casino Las
Vegas. Then paparazzi
spotted rows of Ripe-
themed slot machines
nearby and, duh, his sling
and the spinning fruit
made sense.
Hip designer fractures
one
Un-Orthodox Fashion
Princess Abby Nathan
tripped over bolts of
Semitic fabric in an NYC
warehouse recently and
broke her left synovial
joint. Yesterday, brother
Ari, a name in his own
right but not playing
games after speaking with
best dude (young
Cochrane) and her
rumored beau said
surgery, a big job big time
but especially worrisome
for a recovering anorexic,
went well. We wouldn't
have word of mouth
without their charitable
clans and we wish her
Godspeed, so see, nyah,
nyah, we can too be nice!
NNoott qquuiittee ccrriicckkeett
Colin Cochrane confessed
in a SUPERSTAR exclusive
that it might be time he
slowed down so the next
generation of thesps can
step up to bat. The trim
Brit, who says he looks
forward to a “quieter life,”
hints he’s too pooped to
keep swinging at hits. No
misses for this pro,
though: His current seg,
"Caught Out," did boffo
ratings. Yet my spies at
"Comedy Showcase
Theatre" whisper
Cochrane plans to switch
teams after this season's
"Heist" finale and may
even donate the proceeds
from the antique tea set in
his studio trailer to charity.
Three steamy topics his
past (chaste) paramour
knows something about,
to be sure.
DDiisshhiinngg iitt
Soon you'll be able to dip
(like a pita in hummus)
into Fletcher Stewart's
pungent flashbacks about
his 44-year friendship with
Colin Cochrane. A Gay
Time (Was Had by All)
(What shemozzle came up
with that title), is due out
next summer. Kvetch Press
says this luscious recipe
for laughter with a pinch
of spice is second only in
cosmic impact to Stewart's
vast decision to disclose
his serious bout with AIDS.
Was the world's foremost
homosexual chef that
bored with counting
shekels, or is he having
trouble covering health
expenses? Bubbie, what I
wouldn’t give to be a fruit
fly on the wall when he
and the Cochrane's break
the fast on the Day of
Atonement, Yom Kippur!
IIllll--aaddvviisseedd,, RRxx--rraatteedd!!
And now, here’s a report
from the T.M.I. desk
(brace yourselves): A
recent extra on the "Heist"
set tells yours truly that
"trysting with an older ex-
pat (who could easily pass
for your father) is
“invigorating,” simpers the
alleged bedmate, "and in
fact, forces you to be
hugely aerobic…” Little
wonder, the way the curvy
blonde Southern screen
starlet (and Danae Nathan
lookalike) goes around
drawling Shakespeare's
"Ay, every inch a king?”
XOX-oh, no, snap!
©2010 Writersync

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