How To Talk To Your Children About Alcohol - An Informative How To Guide
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We know that parents have the strongest influence on whether their children will start using alcohol. They need to have direct conversations with their children before they are offered alcohol at a party and start drinking. If the conversation does not take place, then the parents cannot guide or influence the decisions of their children. This interactive presentation gives parents the confidence they need to have direct conversations with their children. It will answer your questions and put you on the right path armed with the information needed to guide your children. Please contact Chris Brown via e-mail at brown.christopher@ymail.com or by phone at 860-704-9325 or 203-685-7691 to get more information including rates and bring this presentation to your community.
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How To Talk To Your Children About Alcohol - An Informative How To Guide
- 1. Talking With Your Child About Alcohol Sponsored by Cheshire Coalition to Stop Underage Drinking Presented by Christopher Brown, School Psychologist, LPC May 25, 2010 – Cheshire Town Hall
- 2. Raising teenagers in the 21st century is more challenging than ever
- 3. All parents want to do the best they can to raise healthy teenagers
- 4. There are many forces that influence choices teenagers will make
- 5. Parents can have the strongest influence by starting direct conversations with their teens
- 6. Have confidence to speak directly with your teen
- 7. Teens rely on their parents for guidance about tough decisions
- 8. A clear message from parents reduced alcohol use by 500% for middle school students
- 9. Tell them how it impacts their body
- 10. Tell them about serious risks other than drunk driving
- 11. Be clear about your personal decisions regarding drinking
- 12. Clear rules and expectations are supportive and reduce confusion
- 13. Rules are for safety not for power or punishment
- 14. Be specific that alcohol use is not permitted
- 15. Let your teen’s friends and their parents know what your rules are
- 16. Consequences are needed and should be communicated clearly
- 17. Be logical to support future safety and health
- 18. Do not impose consequences harshly in a way that devalues your teen
- 19. Be sure both parents can follow through all the way
- 20. There are many forces that influence choices teenagers will make
- 21. Teens want you to have a close relationship with them
- 22. Teens love knowing that they can count on you
- 23. You can root for them
- 24. You can be consistent
- 25. Taking the time to have fun is important
- 26. You can be available
- 27. Simply listening without fixing problems goes a long way
- 28. Be interested in the new ideas and thoughts that only they can have
- 29. When you are interested in them they feel valued and proud
- 30. Teens appreciate your high expectations
- 31. Point out all the things they do well
- 32. Give them responsibilities they can accomplish
- 33. Being able to contribute builds pride and independence
- 34. Monitoring your teens fosters their independence and responsibility
- 35. Your monitoring helps them establish their own boundaries
- 36. Many forces threaten the health and decision-making of our teens
- 37. You can speak confidently with your teen about underage drinking
- 38. You can guide your teens to make decisions that reduce risks
- 39. Parents have the power – Start Talking Before They Start Drinking
- 40. More information is available at www.squidoo.com/StopTeenDrinking Send e-mail to [email_address] Start Talking Before They Start Drinking
Notas del editor
- The huge changes in technology from social networking sites to cell phones and smart phones to MP3 players are in many ways like science fiction. It is a long way from the one family phone attached to the kitchen wall by a spirally and tangled cord. Keeping up with the changes takes a great deal of time and energy and the world or our teens is constantly changing with incredible speed. If we have 2 or 3 years between children when the youngest goes off to middle school, it will be completely different than when the oldest arrived.
- Parents today are no different than parents of any other generation. We all want our children and teenagers to make good decisions. Good decisions are those that keep our teens healthy, safe, and happy. That is not too much to expect in 2010 even though we seem to be facing more situations that make this a challenge for us as parents.
- Movies, music celebrities/reality TV stars, fashion magazines, trendy musical artists, and athletes who rise and fall with incredible speed all come across our TV screens, computer screens, and i-phones. This constant bombardment confuses the lines between news, sports, arts, and entertainment. One thing that is clear is this. All of these images and infotainment stories are seen by our children and teens. Tagline from the Jessica Simpson beer ad reads “"I work out and take care of myself. But I also like a cold beer once in a while. That's why I made the smart choice with a smart beer. Stampede Light, it's beer plus." Downloaded from http://fresnobeehive.com/archives/2008/08/#ixzz0oth9MRLG
- There tends to be some nervousness on the part of teens and parents to have conversations about alcohol. Teens express their nervousness by outwardly resisting the conversation if we bring it up. They may not stick their fingers in their ears. They will tell parents there is nothing to worry about. Or they may ask why you don’t trust them. There are many things they can say or do which easily distracts parents from the conversation or reassures parents that “my child is OK.” Whatever the teen does to avoid the conversation, the fact is the conversation was avoided and sometimes this is easier for the parent who also would rather not discuss this sensitive topic. Avoiding the conversation is not an option because it leaves the teen without solid guidance from the parent. Having the conversation benefits both the teen and the parent.
- Being worried about saying the wrong thing or making a mistake is what holds parents back from talking about alcohol with their children. It seems like the secret manual for teenagers instructs them to make you second guess what you know to be the right thing to do. This session tonight will provide you with the information you need to stop second guessing yourself and to speak confidently with your children about alcohol use. You will be confident because it is good for your teen and good for your family to take on this most important task. It is not a question of whether you can do this. You must do this.
- Teens rely on their parents more than anyone else when they need guidance about tough decisions. They don’t always let their parents know this little fact because are they are also working hard to become more independent. Teens know that their parents love them and care about them. When they face a true challenge it is comforting to know that they can go to their parents. The goal of a parent is to maintain the balance of a strong and supportive relationship while also keeping clear boundaries and high expectations.
- While working for Trumbull Public Schools we surveyed all 7 th and 8 th graders in our 2 middle schools. We asked the students if they thought their parents disapproved of drinking. Those students who reported that it was unacceptable for them to drink alcohol were 5 times less likely to have drunk alcohol in the previous 30 days than their peers who thought their parents did not mind if they used alcohol. This data investigated the perception of the student regarding the attitude of his/her parent. The assumption is that a direct conversation between the teen and the parent leads to the teen having a clear understanding that drinking alcohol is not acceptablel. Most 6-year-olds know that alcohol is only for adults. However, between ages 9 and 13, youth begin to think that alcohol use is okay. That’s why it’s never too early to start talking with young people about the dangers of underage drinking. *
- A single drink of alcohol can affect you. > Alcohol passes through the lining of the stomach into the bloodstream. It irritates the stomach lining, which can make a person feel sick. If drinking continues, the person may vomit. > Alcohol moves through the bloodstream to every organ in the body, including the brain. > Once alcohol enters the brain, it changes the way a person behaves. Alcohol can make people do things they do not want to do. > As a person drinks more alcohol, the ability to make decisions is affected. The drinker also may lose balance and be unable to see or speak clearly. The more alcohol a person drinks, the worse the effects can be. > Alcohol can have lasting effects on the brain, impairing how a person learns, thinks, and remembers. > Alcohol can kill. When a person drinks too much alcohol in a very short period, alcohol poisoning can occur. Breathing gets difficult. A person can vomit, pass out, or even die. > Some people get addicted to alcohol. They drink more and more as they get used to the alcohol. But they can stop and recover. *
- The media in movies, TV, and advertisements glamorize drinking as fun and celebratory. The truth is that drinking alcohol and, in particular, teens drinking alcohol creates greater risks. These risks include accidental injury, fighting often due to poor emotional control because of drinking, alcohol poisoning, sexual assaults, and increased chances of addiction. Alcohol can kill. When a person drinks too much alcohol in a very short period, alcohol poisoning can occur. Breathing gets difficult. A person can vomit, pass out, or even die. Some people get addicted to alcohol. They drink more and more as they get used to the alcohol. But they can stop and recover.*
- Parents need to think carefully about how to answer their children’s questions about their own alcohol use as teens. If a parent was an underage drinker, be honest. Don’t let your past stop you from conversing with your child about underage alcohol use. The value of face-to-face discussions with your child cannot be overestimated. Acknowledge that it was risky. Make a distinction between adolescent use and adult use and emphasize that we know even more now about the risks than ever before. * Explain how and why your opinions of underage drinking have changed. Be sure not to glamorize your past use of alcohol even if you think that your teen is not listening. Also emphasize any negative consequences that resulted from your own underage drinking. Be sure to point out other risky behaviors such as not wearing a seatbelt or not wearing a bicycle helmet when you were younger, but that you require different decisions or behavior from your teen today because we know more about the risks today. It is the same situation when it comes to underage drinking today and the decisions you expect your teen to make.
- Don't support underage drinking. Your attitudes and behavior toward underage drinking also influence your child. Avoid making jokes about underage drinking or drunkenness, or otherwise showing acceptance of underage alcohol use. In addition, never serve alcohol to your child's underage friends. Underage drinking is illegal. *
- Get to know your child's friends. Know where they hang out and what they are doing. Get to know the parents/guardians of your child’s friends. Talk with the friends' parents about alcohol. Ask them if they keep alcohol in their home, and if it is stored in an inaccessible place. Talk to other parents and caregivers. If there is a parent organization at your child’s school, join it. If there is no parent organization at the school, think about starting one. Finding two or three other interested parents is a good start. Connect with other parents and caregivers. Getting to know other parents and guardians can help you keep closer touch on what's going in your child's life. Friendly relations can make it easier for you to call the parent/caregiver of a teen who is having a party to be sure that a responsible adult will be present and that alcohol will not be available. Keep track of your child's activities. Be aware of your teen's plans and whereabouts. Generally, your child will be more open to your supervision if he or she feels you are keeping tabs because you care, not because you distrust him or her. *
- Letting your teens know that there will be consequences if they are involved with drinking alcohol before they turn 21 is an important part of your direct conversation with them. You do not need to tell them the specific consequence for a specific behavior. You don’t need to have a list posted such as the designated fine for a given infraction. This can create a situation where the teen weighs the potential consequence against the noted behavior and could potentially say to himself or herself, “That punishment is not so bad. I can handle that.” He or she may then go and engage in the risky behavior. You can let your teens that know that a potential consequence will not be too harsh, but just as there have been consequences all their lives for not following family rules, this will be no different.
- Make it clear to your teen that you hope you will not need to have any consequences. If there are consequences they will be in place for only 2 reasons. You love and care about your teen. Because of that love and care you must assure that the teen will be safe and healthy. The consequences are a way of having a limit in place until the teen can demonstrate that he or she can remain safe and healthy by making good decisions independently.
- The way you speak with your teen to put a consequence in place is very important. Be sure to draw a clear distinction between your child and your child’s behavior. You can do this without name calling or making absolute judgments about your teen. Avoid statements like, “If you keep this up, you’ll never amount to anything.” Or, “Your mother and I didn’t raise you to behave like a drunken fool to embarrass the whole family. I hope your proud of yourself.” Or if there has been a divorce or strife in the marriage, “I’m not surprised by this. I knew you’d turn out just like your father.”
- Both parents need to agree to the consequence that is put in place. All children including teenagers need to know that you mean what you say. This is true for rules, expectations, and consequences. Consequences tend to have a big impact. If you are not firm with a consequences, then it is nearly impossible to expect a teen to take your family rules and expectations seriously.
- A strong and close relationship makes it easier to have direct conversations with your teenager. At the same time, having direct conversations about difficult topics enhances the relationship. Both build on each other. A common thread that predicts teens who do well academically, socially, and avoid alcohol or drug use is a close relationship with their parents. The teens report that their parents are interested in them, in what they do, and in who they know. They also say their parents listen to them and are curious about their ideas.**
- There will be times when you and your teenager disagree. This is normal just as it is normal in any close relationship. The important thing is for the parent to resolve conflicts in a mature way. Choose your words carefully, even when your teen impulsively throws around hurtful words. You may need to let a few hours or a day pass before the conflict is resolved, but managing those disagreements will improve the relationship and also teach your teenager how to resolve disagreements with peers, teachers, friends, and bosses.
- This shows that you are interested in their activities and passions.
- This helps your teenager to know what to expect from you. It provides a clear sense of security. When teens don’t know what to expect or when your are ambiguous, teenagers feel uneasy and may become unsure of themselves.
- Sometimes the best conversations happen spontaneously when all the pressure is off.
- Turn off the computer and TV. Stop checking the e-mail on the I-phone or Blackberry. Leave the dishes in the dishwasher. Sit down and look at your teen. Be present and listen. Turn off the worries about everything else on your To Do list. If you are too busy at the moment that your teenager bursts in on you and wants to talk calmly say, “I can see this is very important to you. I want to talk with you about this and I want to be able to really listen without being distracted. Can you wait (5, 15, 30) minutes for me to finish this and we can sit down in the kitchen and talk? I want to hear all about it. If you can’t wait, I’ll stop what I’m doing right now.” Be very careful with your tone and body language when you deliver this message.
- The only tool you need is your ear for listening. Take the opportunity to let your teens explain a concern or difficult situation. Let them talk about their thoughts and ideas. As they speak without worrying about you jumping in with the “right answer” they will come up with good options for themselves. They will learn to be problem solvers. This also serves to help your teenager know that everything cannot be solved immediately. We live in an impatient time when we want things taken care of immediately. Being connected to our smartphones and computers has created this and also reinforces this. We need to be able to sit with a problem and feel uncomfortable, or sad, or angry, or disappointed and realize that we can survive with those feelings for a minute, hour, day or week and still be OK. You can say, “I can’t tell you how to fix this. You have some options and I am confident in your judgment. Take some time to think about what is best for you. You don’t need to have the solution right now. Let’s talk again after you think about what you want to do.”
- One of the benefits of being a teenager is the feeling that you can still save the world. And maybe your teenager is the person who will actually accomplish this. Help them to keep dreaming and aspiring for the better.
- In my work, I have counseled many children and teenagers who have spent a lifetime never feeling this way. Until you have experienced this other side of the coin it might be difficult to imagine how important this is. It is easy to take this for granted.
- They are proud when you rely on them and when you encourage them to do better. This helps them to believe that they can do better.
- Compliments never stop being important when they are genuine and sincere. Sometimes teens can be very hard on themselves. They may dismiss a compliment, but they still heard it and they will remember it and they will know that you gave it to them. They will also know when you missed the opportunity to give them a compliment.
- Nothing creates a responsible teenager like having something for which to be responsible. I am reminded of a 16 year old girl I counseled while working in a high school. I arranged for her to help out a few days each week after school in the second grade classroom of a school she could walk to after school. A few weeks after she started she told me she had quit smoking. Previously She had gotten several office referrals for smoking in the high school bathrooms. When I asked her how she quit, she said she stopped smoking after school and then she just kept up the momentum. She told me, “I had to stop smoking after school. What would those second graders think of me if I walked into their classroom stinking of smoke. C’mon Mr. Brown.”
- Emotional health and good decisions grown from knowing that you can contribute to your community in some way. When other people are counting on a teenager, he or she does not want to disappoint.
- This shows that you care. Don’t suddenly surprise them with monitoring - - start early Know your teen’s friends and their parents Make sure your teen checks in with you when coming home
- Pressures make this difficult for teens on their own It supports the values they have developed Monitoring early leads to better decisions as they gain independence Your monitoring helps them set their own personal boundaries Clear personal boundaries lead to confident independence Being confident in their independence leads to good decisions
- You are the force that can help them to push back against all the negative forces out there. You are the person who loves and cares about your teenager more than anyone. If you keep the relationship strong, your teenager will have the strength to push back against the negative even when you are not present to provide direct support.
- Remain confident. Do not let worries about saying or doing the wrong thing prevent you from being proactive.
- Use the information gathered tonight to help keep you and your teenagers moving in the right direction.
- TIPS FOR TALKING WITH YOUR TEEN Developing open, trusting communication between you and your child is essential to helping him or her avoid alcohol use. If your child feels comfortable talking openly with you, you’ll have a greater chance of guiding him or her toward healthy decisionmaking. Some ways to begin: Encourage conversation. Encourage your child to talk about whatever interests him or her. Listen without interruption and give your child a chance to teach you something new. Your active listening to your child’s enthusiasms paves the way for conversations about topics that concern you. Ask open-ended questions. Encourage your teen to tell you how he or she thinks and feels about the issue you’re discussing. Avoid questions that have a simple “yes” or “no” answer. Control your emotions. If you hear something you don’t like, try not to respond with anger. Instead, take a few deep breaths and acknowledge your feelings in a constructive way. Make every conversation a “win-win” experience. Don’t lecture or try to “score points” on your teen by showing how he or she is wrong. If you show respect for your child’s viewpoint, he or she will be more likely to listen to and respect yours. This page is from The National institutes of Health at http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/MakeADiff_HTML/makediff.htm