Reasoning your way to happiness: using science and logic to help you understand and manage emotions and relationships (for the introverted thinking nerds like me)
Emotions and relationships. We all have them, but they can be scary and unpredictable. Sometimes things go well, but other times—seemingly randomly—they devolve into bad situations. We don’t feel in control ( a lack of agency as the psychologists call it) and so it’s often easier just to do more introverted nerd stuff like reading.
Reasoning your way to happiness: using science and logic to help you understand and manage emotions and relationships (for the introverted thinking nerds like me)
Emotions and relationships. We all have them, but they can be scary and unpredictable. Sometimes things go well, but other times—seemingly randomly—they devolve into bad situations. We don’t feel in control ( a lack of agency as the psychologists call it) and so it’s often easier just to do more introverted nerd stuff like reading.
You are not alone. We have all been there. There is nothing wrong with you, and it is ok. These slides introduce you to science and data around happiness and relationships, a bit of the why and how behind it, and some techniques on how to have healthy experiences around emotions and relationships.
More than Just Lines on a Map: Best Practices for U.S Bike Routes
Reasoning your way to happiness with science and logic
1. Reasoning Your Way to Happiness
with
Science and Logic
Dave Cortright
User Experience Designer
Program Manager
IT Consultant
Human
2. Standard Disclaimers Apply
Not a replacement for professional help via licensed therapists
All based on my personal experience; YMMV
3. My Meyers-Briggs personality type
Introversion
iNtuition
Thinking
Perception
Extroversion
Sensing
Feeling
Judgement
Unfortunately for a thinking introvert like me…
5. The clearest message that we get from this
75-year study is that good relationships
keep us happier and healthier. Period.
—Robert Waldinger, Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development
https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness
6. Contrary to the belief that happiness is hard to explain—or
that it depends on having great wealth—researchers have
identified the core factors in a happy life. The primary
components are number of friends, closeness of
friends, closeness of family, and relationships with
co-workers and neighbors. Together these features
explain about 70% of personal happiness.
— David Niven, “The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People”
7. Make family a priority and
Create an inner circle of at least three
friends with whom you can have meaningful
conversations… who are generally happy.
—Dan Buettner, author of The Blue Zones
8. The Five Regrets of the Dying
I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself,
not the life others expected of me.
I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish I had let myself be happier.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
Compiled by hospice nurse Bronnie Ware
9. The Five Regrets of the Dying
I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself,
not the life others expected of me.
I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish I had let myself be happier.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
What’s there: emotions, connections, relationships, empowerment
What’s not: achievements, experiences, money, fame
10. Personal Responsibility / Empowerment
You must start with a solid foundation.
It’s not selfish to take care of yourself and your emotional health.
25. DOSE: the 4 happy brain chemicals
Dopamine
Achievement
Oxytocin
Social connection
Serotonin
Social Importance
Endorphin
natural painkillers
Habits of a Happy Brain by Loretta Graziano Breuning
26. They must be managed collectively,
like resources in a game
❤ Health
📚 Wisdom
🍞 Food
⚡ Stamina
27. So how do we manage them?
Dopamine
Achievement
Oxytocin
Social connection
Serotonin
Social Importance
Endorphin
natural painkillers
Let’s focus on Oxytocin and Serotonin, which are the trickiest ones.
29. Emotion Equations Explained
• Emotions exist
• Emotions are an integral part of you
• Emotions are neither good nor bad
(so don’t judge them)
• Emotions are information
• Happiness and inner peace requires
embracing and processing all of
your emotions without restraint
∃ℰ
ℰ ⊂ ∫𝒰
ℰ ≠ ±
ℰ = ⓘ
𝒰(☺,☮) {ℰ} + 𝑓(ℰ)
30. Healthy embracing and processing
{ℰ} = ) - * + 🏷
𝑓(ℰ) = 🗣👂 - * +
💖 + 👫 + 🤗 + 🕊
Embrace emotions by
accepting them without
judgement and labeling them
Process emotions by talking
about them with compassion,
acceptance & physical touch.
Then let them go.
32. The Achievement Fallacy
🏆 = 𝒰(☺,☮)
The belief that more achievement equals more fulfillment.
Similar to the myth of a singular happiness.
33. The Achievement Reality
🏆 ≤ ⅓·𝒰(☺,☮)
𝒰(☺,☮) = C + 💑 + 🏆
Achievement is at most ⅓ of your overall life satisfaction
The other ⅔ is feeling social importance and personal connection
34. I think everybody should
get rich and famous
and do everything
they ever dreamed of
so they can see that
it’s not the answer.
―Jim Carrey
35. Your worst enemy and a common pitfall
* 6So how do we mitigate the judgement?
36. NEO: Neutral External Observer
Step back to view your thoughts,
feelings, and overall mental/physical
state from an external perspective.
What would you say to a friend
who was in your current situation?
One of many Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools
37. Stop thinking and just be
a.k.a. meditation
…but that can be a loaded term
38. A better description: Present Sense
👀👂🖐👃👅
🧠
Keep your focus
on your senses
and feelings as
they exist now.
Don’t cling to any.
Let them go, and
any thoughts that
come.
39. Two modes of being: Thinking or Feeling
/
“present sense”
40. Time scale of evolutionary milestones
Now
Cambrian Explosion
541 million years ago (mya)
Emotions
Primates
65–85 mya
Sociality
Homo
2 mya
Thinking
13% .037%
Your underlying real-time social and emotional “operating system” has
been tested and refined by evolution for far longer than your thinking one.
41. Your [thinking] mind is
an instrument; a tool.
It is there to be used
for a specific task;
And when the task is completed,
you lay it down.
—Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now”
42. Switching between thinking & feeling
Typical human existence: brief samples of the sensory mode,
but primarily living in the thinking mode
43. Switching between thinking & feeling
What if we flipped that ratio? Use your thinking brain for a task,
then put it down and just be in the moment with your senses.
44. Preparing to travel
Traveling: walking, biking, riding in the car…
Eating, cooking, cleaning up
Personal hygiene time
Practice “present sense” when…
47. Resources
Triumphs of Experience by George E. Vaillant (or just watch Robert Waldinger’s TED talk)
The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven
The Blue Zones series (especially …Happiness) by Dan Buettner
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Habits of a Happy Brain by Loretta Graziano Breuning
The Awakened Ape by Jevan Pradas
The Elephant in the Brain by Kevin Simler and Robin Hanson
The Social Conquest of Earth by Edward O. Wilson
The Selfish Gene, et al. by Richard Dawkins
The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals by Charles Darwin
Social and Emotional Learning from resources such as CASEL or RULER