PARENTING
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Devashish Konar, MD, Consultant Psychiatrist, Kolkata 1

PARENTING EVOLUTIONARILY PERFECTED
Parenting is a function of
Paleopallium, which is in existence
with animal beings for many million
years. Neopallium
Now in the 21st century when man is
after understanding & perfecting Paleopallium
everything, parenting is no exception.
It is true that, at times, there are Archipallium
serious mistakes by not so
competent or careful parents.
An understanding of common failures
and ways to correct them may be
needed in few situations.
Awareness about what we do, why
we do and how we do may be a good
thing but, anything, which is good in
natural flow, should be allowed to
retain its beauty and charm. 2

PARENTING – SPECIFICITY IN CASE
OF HUMAN BEINGS
To ensure survival is the chief
task of parenting.
The human infant is a particularly
vulnerable creature, unable to
look after itself until well into its
middle childhood.
In complex modern societies, the
need for parental protection and
supported living is stretching
beyond middle childhood.
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MIX INTELECTUALISM JUDICIOUSLY
WITH BIOLOGICAL PARENTING
It is very difficult to have validated data in case of
parenting.
Mostly we go by empirical theories which sound rational
and broadly based on psychological principles.
You just have to keep the theories at back of your mind.
You definitely do not want to interfere with natural
parenting which comes biologically.
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THE RIGHT MIX
Whether biological or
intellectual parenting
should be advocated.
Too little awareness may
harm parenting.
Too much of intellectual
dissecting also may harm
parenting.
Some bit of awareness
with biological parenting
may be the ideal
combination.
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FUNCTIONAL AREAS
Parenting is not a single
generic activity but one made
up of numerous elements
involving every aspect of the
child’s functioning.
Physical health
Intellectual and
educational function
Social behaviour
Mental health
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PARENTING – CHANGING SCENARIO
The significant rise in the status of
mothers as women. Their ability to
pursue careers in their own right, all
press towards reduced involvement
in parenting.
 Positive effect
 Negative effect
 Necessary arrangements
Rising interest of fathers in
parenting.
Pruning of family networks and
consequent necessary
arrangements.
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AWARENESS AT THE BACK OF MIND
Let’s not be
mechanical, lest we will
ruin the charm of
childhood and parenting.
Individual own themselves
and not their children.
8

The most important
thing, a father can do
for his children, is to
love their mother.
– Theodore Hesburgh
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PREPARE FOR THEM BEFORE THEY
COME TO YOUR WORLD
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TODDLERS SAFETY
Make sure your crawling baby or toddler can’t get into
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the cleaning products or electrical outlets.

SPEED MATCHING
Every child has his or her own speed.
Unless he is hyperactive, which may need treatment
sometimes, you need to acknowledge this speed and should try to
adjust with this speed.
Otherwise the child is put into discomfort.
You being the mature one, you are expected to make more speed
matching than expecting the child to match your speed. 12

RESPECT YOUR CHILD
13

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SIMPLE MANIPULATIONS MAY
BRING GREAT RESULTS
If you want to correct
abnormal situations in
children assistance may
be needed
 Eating
 Sleeping
 Temper tantrums
Parent if inept may need
help
 Intelligence
 Adjustment problem
 Addiction
15

TEACH THEM TO AVOID JUNK FOOD
But make some concessions for
the food of their choice. 16

There are two gifts we can give
our children:
The other is wings.
One is roots.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD
Do not underplay the role of others. It is a job you
can never do alone. 18

DON’T DEPRIVE THEM FROM THEIR FANTASY LIFE
Garuda
Dragon
Unicorn
Sphinx
Phoenix
19

WHETHER YOU LIKE OR NOT;
Children like to be with grandfather, grandmother, uncle,
aunt, cousins, the house-maid and then finally the parents.
20

EXTRA SUPPORT WHEN THEY ARE
THROUGH TOUGH TIMES
21

DON’T GIVE THEM PUNISHMENT WHEN THEY ARE
BEING PUNISHED ELSEWHERE.
22

BE WITH THEM; NOT NECESSARILY
GUIDE THEM ALWAYS.
What they like is
your company. 23

MEETING GENERATION GAP
Children and Adolescents have their peer group pressure to learn
new technology, to dress exotically and to try new adventures.
Do not just discard them by saying this was not done in your time.
Remember this too is your time and if anything is popular at this
point of time you need to acknowledge that and allow your children
to be part of that.
Little bit of change and little bit of old values make a good mix and
helps adjust both the generations.
If you are rigid implementing values of your own generation you
simply spoil the relationship with the new generation.
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OPEN-ENDEDNESS: DON’T TEACH
YOUR BELIEFS AND CONVICTIONS
Keep their minds open to
ideas.
You can tell them about your
beliefs. Don’t force your
beliefs on them.
Being exposed to all kinds of
ideas, they may come out
with something better.
25

CHILDREN ARE BY NATURE PLAYFUL
Don’t need to present expensive toys all the time.
Provide them with time, opportunity and company
to play.
26

CHILDREN ARE USUALLY COPY CATS
So give them a good role model
27

NO DOUBLE STANDARD PLEASE
You don’t want him to be hooked to TV.
You want your son to be interested in literature and want
him to read lot of books.
But you prefer watching TV and not reading.
They don’t go together.
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IDIOT BOX WISDOM STORE

LEARNING
If I can not learn the way you
teach, teach me the way I can
learn
Each child should have
winning experience
Education & Examination have
become synonymous for
parents
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ALLOW FREE TIME
You need to keep free time for
your child if you want him to be
creative.
Look at yourself how many
brilliant ideas come to you
when you are bogged down
by a 12 hrs working schedule.
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OUR FRAME OF MIND MUST CHANGE
In our country we always
like our children to be
thinking within the box.
Innovation comes from
thinking outside the box.
Independent thinking,
experimenting and
entertaining different
ideas with respect is
needed to be innovative.
31

EXPOSE HIM TO THE WORLD
A monkey in the forest will know that the world is like a
forest.
Exposure makes your vision broad.
If you want your son to be involved in the affairs of the
world expose him to the world.
32

DEALING WITH INNOCENT MINDS
Be positive.
More praise.
Try to see the
behaviour from child’s
perspective.
What is small for adult
could be huge issue
for the child.
33

HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN THOUGHT TO
THESE ISSUES?
Leisure
Adventure
Co-curricular
activities
Sexuality
34

IT IS GOOD IDEA BUT IT JUST
WOULDN’T WORK WITH MY CHILD !
35

CHILD CHALKS OUT OWN PROGRAMME
Allow flexibility 36

RIGHT DOSE OF ADVERSITY
Care and exposure to adversities both in proper dose.
Look at the plants adversities sometimes brings out the
best shape size and colour of the plant, provided
adversities are not severe enough to thwart the growth.
Focus on resilience
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SO WHERE DO WE START?
Your word
You follow similar
and actions You pay attention
principles or You participate in
influence to your child’s
practices in your your child’s life.
your child the life and observe
words and
way you want what goes on.
actions.
them to.

PARENTING TYPES:
Authoritative
Uninvolved
Authoritarian
Indulgent
Unconditional love
Reliable care
Authoritarian approach
Secure Attachment
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MAJOR ISSUES
Early childhood
 Disobedience
 Tantrums
 Demanding
 Bad eating habits
Late childhood
 Discipline problem at schools
Early teen
 Self-esteem
Late teen
 Relationship
40

DOES YOUR CHILD……?
Get frustrated easily?
Disrespect his or her friends?
Disrespect your family?
Stress easily?
Have an inability to express needs
appropriately?
Have little empathy towards
others?
Make poor choices?
Often seem moody?
Refuse to take NO for an answer?
Take no responsibility for
behavior?
Not talk about feelings?
Often seem in a negative mood.
Have a difficult time making
friends?
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COMMON PROBLEMS
ADHD
Learning difficulties
ODD
Conduct & Behaviour
like, lying, stealing.
Tantrum
Bed wetting
Autism
Depression
Obsession
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AVOID OVER PARENTING
Give him time when he is
away from your eyes and
lives his own way.
He will find out his own
interests.
He becomes confident in
handling his own
problems.
If you are parenting him
well, your figure is present
within him even if you are
not around.
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AVOID UNDER PARENTING
He has to learn to
discriminate between good &
bad.
He has to imbibe sense of
ethics.
Under parenting somehow
may make him independent
to the extent that he does not
understand other value of
going by norms of society and
may undergo unwarranted
difficulties in facing the world.
Try to optimise between over-
parenting and under-
parenting.
44

PARENTING CHILDREN WITH DISABILITIES
Mental health problem
Physical handicap
Chronic illness
Terminal illness
Parenting gifted children may be
even more difficult !
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UNUSUAL PARENTING
One parent families
Stepfamilies
Adoptive and foster
families
Families formed by
artificial reproduction
techniques
The fostering of stability in children’s lives is pivotal to
their well-being, regardless of family structure.
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ALAS! WE WERE ABLE TO SEE, THE WAY, A CHILD
WANTED THIS WORLD TO BE !!
Thank you. 47