Developing Assertiveness

1. Developing
Assertiveness

2. What is this session about?
• Define passive, aggressive, & assertive
behaviors
• Assertiveness – important life skill
• Handling criticism/verbal attacks in general
• Handling criticism/verbal attacks against
your ideas
• Role play – group exercise
• Summary

3. 3 Categories
Passive – do not confront problems & people, dislike
‘rocking the boat’
Aggressive – ignores other people’s feelings, open &
direct, not good at taking criticism
Assertive – able to state views/opinions w/o
upsetting others, ‘win-win’ situation, proactive

4. So what exactly does
assertiveness mean?
It is getting your thoughts across and
dealing with a situation in a straightforward
manner without harming others.

5. Why is this important?
• Because it is an essential workplace skill.
• Because genuinely assertive people are
better to work with. They establish more
effective relationships.
• Technical and professional skills are
highlighted by excellent interpersonal
skills

6. Traits of an assertive person
• Confident in a relaxed way
• Able to openly state views/opinions w/o upsetting
others
• Do not ignore problems – looks for ‘win-win
situations’
• Proactive – looks for solutions instead of blaming
others
• Able to admit mistakes w/o excessive apologizing

7. The Assertiveness Continuum
of Behavior
Passive Assertive Aggressive
Self-denying Self-enhancing Self-enhancing at
expense of others
Inhibited Expressive Over-expressive
Others choose Choose for self Choose for others
Uncertain, anxious, Confident, feels Depreciates others
depreciates self good about self
Does not achieve May achieve Achieves desired
desired goal(s) desired goal(s) goal(s) at expense
of others

8. Handling criticism in general
Passive Assertive Aggressive
Response Response Response
You simply Maintain self You simply
accept criticism esteem if attack back
criticism is true
and defuse
critic’s anger

9. 3 assertive techniques to use
for handling criticism
• Fogging – this is useful if there’s some
truth to the criticism or attacker is very
angry
• Agree with any truth in criticism
“Yes I did come in late last night.”

10. More fogging techniques
• Agree with the possibility you could be
wrong
“Yes, I might have come in late other nights
this month.”
• Agree with attacker’s logic
“Yes, I can understand why you think I’m
selfish.”

11. Last 2 fogging techniques
• Accept attacker’s feelings
“I can understand why you are feeling angry
with me.”
• Allow for improvement
“Yes, I could get in earlier.”
*By keeping calm, you control the situation.

12. 2 assertive technique to use
nd
for handling criticism
2. Negative assertion – use this if you know
for sure you have done something wrong.
If you calmly admit mistake w/o excessive
apologizing, both you and attacker can
maintain dignity and anger of attacker is
defused.

13. Negative assertion techniques
• Agree with criticism
“Yes, I do talk too much in class.”
“Yes, I am moody sometimes.”
• Agree with the critic’s values
“Yes, I should have worked harder.”
“Yes, what I said last night was stupid.”

14. Should I say I’m sorry?
Yes but only if you really are.
An insincere apology can just
make the situation worse.

15. 3 assertive technique
rd
to use for handling criticism
3. Negative Inquiry – best to use if:
c) You are not sure why you are being
criticized
d) You suspect that the criticism is not based
on factual evidence
e) You have a strong hunch that critic is
trying to manipulate you.

16. Negative Inquiry
Critic: “I think you’re really selfish.”
You: Hhmm, can you give examples of how
and when I’ve acted selfishly?
Critic: “I’m really disappointed at your
performance in this project.”
You: Oh, can you tell me what I’ve done to
disappoint you?

17. What to do when your ideas
get attacked
This is a useful life skill.
Ideas – part of our identity.
Rejection of our ideas – rejection of us.

18. Technique?
Try and anticipate their attack and plan ways
to allow them to save face.
To allow a person to save face you must find
something to agree with in their argument
against your idea.

19. 6 assertive sentences to try
• Agreeing in principle: “As a general rule
you’re absolutely right …”
• Agree with part of their argument: “Of
course you’re absolutely right that …”
• Admit it is a reasonable argument: “Yes,
what you are saying is very logical …”

20. 6 assertive sentences to try
4. Appreciate their feeling: “I can totally
understand why you feel that way …”
5. Raise objections as an afterthought: “Yes
that seems true … but if …”
6. Show that you have anticipated that attack:
“Thank you, I was hoping that someone
was going to mention that …” (useful if
presenting idea at meetings!)

21. Sentence to watch out for
“I don’t want to be rude but …”
- simple warning that person saying it is about
to be very rude/aggressive

22. Let’s do a quick
reflection exercise
Write down a circumstance when you have been
criticized recently:
• How did you react? Which approach did you
use?
• What was the effect on both you & your critic
when you used that approach?
• Which assertive strategies could you have used
instead?

23. Role play
exercise
20 minutes

24. So we’ve gone over:
• Assertiveness test & interpretation of results
• Define passive, aggressive, & assertive
behaviors
• Assertiveness – important life skill
• Handling criticism/verbal attacks in general
• Handling criticism/verbal attacks against
your ideas
• Role play – group exercise

25. To conclude: What happens
when you behave assertively?
• You feel more comfortable with yourself
• Your self-esteem improves
• You become more valued and respected
• Your technical & professional abilities are
highlighted by excellent interpersonal skills

26. Last note
In most situations we have the choice to be
passive, assertive, or aggressive.
Being assertive is often the best choice.

27. Thanks for
your time