A condensed version of the slides I used for a workshop with a startup management team on communication, feedback, and group norms.

1. Startup
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
communication
Ed Batista
May 5, 2014

2. Executive coach
Instructor @ Stanford GSB
www.edbatista.com
blogs.hbr.org/ed-batista
HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees
Who am I?

3. Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Where are we
1:1 communication
Group norms
You & your colleagues
going?

4. How will we
Concepts
Exercises & debriefs
1:1 feedback
get there?
Photo by Chloe Fan [link]

5. Startups as
human systems
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Complex group dynamics
Communication = survival
Feedback = learning
Relationships matter

6. Startups as
human systems
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Think about this team…
How are you communicating?
How would you like to communicate?

7. Concepts #1
Today’s headline
The simplest feedback model
Feelings
The net
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

8. The headline
Feedback is stressful
So criticize with skill
& give more heartfelt praise
Photo by Garry Knight [link]

9. The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

10. The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model

11. Feelings
Disclosing feelings = vulnerable
But feelings  influence
And vulnerability  closeness
Comfort with discomfort
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]

12. The net
David Bradford
How to avoid triggering defensiveness?
How to increase perceptions of fairness?
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
Read
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13. My behavior…
Actions
Statements
Non-Verbals
Needs
Motives
Intentions
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
The net
Me and my… You and your…
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

14. The net
Stay on our side of the net
Focus on observed behavior
Disclose our response
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

15. Concepts #2
Social threat
SCARF model
Relationships
The net (again)
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

16. Can I give you
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
some feedback?

17. Feedback and
Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]
social threat

18. Threat response
aka “Fight or flight”
Physiological signs?
Emotional signs?
Photo by William Warby [link]

19. Threat response
Cognitive impairment…
Decision-making
Problem-solving
Collaboration

20. Social threat
(Some) social situations ≈ Physical threats
Many times/day
Most common location?

21. Social threat
A problem…
Decision-making
Problem-solving
Collaboration
All affect communication
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

22. SCARF model
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
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David Rock
What social situations
trigger a threat
response?

23. SCARF model
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
Read
More

24. Use the model
When giving feedback…
Be mindful of status
Minimize uncertainty
Maximize autonomy
Build the relationship*
Play fair*
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

25. Use the model
When getting feedback…
Recognize our threat response
Manage our emotions (Norms help*)

26. Photo by Harsha KR [link]
Relationships
John Gottman
What characterizes successful relationships?
Read
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27. Relationships
Feeling known by the other
A culture of appreciation
Responding to “bids”
Mutual influence

28. 5:1 positive to negative
“Emotional bank account”
Relationships
& conflict
Photo by Connor Tartar [link]

29. Startups as
human systems
Think about your teammates…
How’s your emotional bank account?
What are you doing to build the relationship?
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

30. The net
How to minimize defensiveness?
How to increase sense of fairness?
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

31. Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
My behavior…
Actions
Statements
Non-Verbals
Needs
Motives
Intentions
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
The net
Me and my… You and your…
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

32. Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net
Stay on our side of the net
Focus on observed behavior
Disclose our response
Diminish social threat & defensiveness
Increase sense of fairness
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

33. Startups as
human systems
Think about your teammates…
When do you cross their net?
When do they cross yours?
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

34. Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Concepts #3
Emotional intelligence & groups
Talking about feelings
Group norms

35. EQ and groups
Why care?
Effective teams
Participation, cooperation, collaboration
Can’t mandate behavior
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Read
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36. EQ and groups
Essential conditions…
Mutual trust
Group identity (feeling of belonging)
Group efficacy (belief in value of the team)
Strongly affected by group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

37. EQ and groups
Individual EQ
Emotional awareness
Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)
Inward (one’s own emotions)
Outward (others’ emotions)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

38. EQ and groups
High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Create awareness of emotion
Help regulate emotion
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

39. Startups as
human systems
Think about how you show up on this team…
How aware are you of your emotions?
How well do you regulate your emotions?
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

40. Talking about
Affect labeling
Amygdala
Talking disrupts negative emotion
Talking about emotion > Thinking about emotion
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]
Read
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41. Talking about
Group norms
Norms define what’s normative
Can we talk about feelings here?
Overcome embarrassment
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]

42. Our norms
Consider company norms
Create awareness of emotions
Help regulate emotions
Read
More
Photo by jm3 [link]

43. We never… We always…
1. Spend time getting to know
others personally.
Norms that create
awareness

44. We never… We always…
2. Regularly ask how others are doing.
Norms that create
awareness

45. We never… We always…
3. Share thoughts and emotions
with others in the moment.
Norms that create
awareness

46. We never… We always…
4. Ask others who have been quiet
in a discussion what they think.
Norms that create
awareness

47. We never… We always…
5. Fully explore others’ resistance
to our decisions.
Norms that create
awareness

48. We never… We always…
6. Set aside time to discuss and evaluate
our own effectiveness.
Norms that create
awareness

49. We never… We always…
7. Acknowledge and discuss the feeling
in the group in the moment.
Norms that create
awareness

50. We never… We always…
1. Have clear ground rules for productive
behavior in meetings.
Norms that help
regulate

51. We never… We always…
2. Call out behavior that violates
those ground rules.
Norms that help
regulate

52. We never… We always…
3. Express acceptance of
others’ emotions.
Norms that help
regulate

53. We never… We always…
4. Make time to discuss difficulties within the team
and the emotions they generate.
Norms that help
regulate

54. We never… We always…
5. Use playfulness to acknowledge
and relieve stress.
Norms that help
regulate

55. We never… We always…
6. Express optimism about
the team’s capabilities.
Norms that help
regulate

56. We never… We always…
7. Provide others with positive
feedback in the moment.
Norms that help
regulate

57. Our norms
What norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
What might we do as a team?
Photo by jm3 [link]

58. Concepts #4
Positive feedback
Mindset
Soft start
5 levels
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

59. Positive feedback
A paradox
So important
So often ineffective
What’s wrong?
Photo by Aaron Matthews [link]

60. Positive feedback
We may not trust it
We may even resent it
We often praise the wrong things
Read
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61. Positive feedback
Don’t praise to buffer criticism
Use a soft start*

62. Positive feedback
Don’t praise to overcome resistance
Use other influence tactics

63. Positive feedback
Don’t praise ability
Praise effort and persistence

64. Carol Dweck
How do we feel about our abilities?
How do we feel about our mistakes?
Mindset
Photo by Tuomas Puikkonen [link]
Read
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65. Talent & intelligence
are inherent traits
Mistakes are failures or
character flaws
Negative emotional
response to mistakes
Talent & intelligence
can be developed
Mistakes are learning
opportunities
Pay close attention to
mistakes & learn
more
Fixed Growth
Mindset
Read
More

66. Soft start
Photo by Phil McElhinney [link]
Not like this

67. Soft start
Photo by OakleyOriginals [link]
Like this

68. Soft start
Begin with positive intent
(But don’t bullshit)
Emphasize mutual goals
Be mindful of your stress
Read
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69. 5 levels
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Richard Francisco
Increasing levels of meaning, value and risk
Read
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70. 5 levels1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

71. 5 levels
5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most meaningful
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

72. Remember…
Challenge yourself
Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

73. Closing
Photo by Jun Seita [link]