Strategies for dealing with people who push your buttons

1. People Who Push Your Button

2. Seminar Goals
• Identify what behaviors trigger you and why
• Take responsibility for your triggers
• Learn how to respond and not react
• Discuss and review healthy, clear communication skills to help assert
your needs
• Know the benefits of E4 Health Program

3. What Pushes Your Buttons?
Hot Buttons! Triggers!
• Generate a group list of button-pushing behaviors
• Assign a “heat rating” to each
1 = Barely Notice
5 = It’s Getting Warm in Here
7 = Starting to sizzle . . .
10 = Hair on fire!

4. How Do You React When Triggered?
1. Irritated 6. Silent/Withdrawn
2. Annoyed 7. Vent/Gossip to others
3. Angry 8. Silently Seething
4. Wounded/Pouting 9. Judgmental
5. Argumentative 10. Passive Aggressive

5. Examples of Triggering Situations…
1. Someone borrows your stapler, and does not return it
2. Partner leaves dirty dishes in the sink, and used tea bags on the
counter
3. You are on the phone, and your partner is telling you what to say,
and it is difficult to hear and listen
4. You applied for a promotion, and you did not get an interview, or
an explanation

6. Reflect on the Situation
1. Why does this situation bother me?
2. What is this about for the other person?
3. How important is this?
4. What are the risks/benefits if I address this?
5. What are the costs if I don’t address this?

7. Take Responsibility for Your Triggers
• Identifying an issue (any issue) that pushes your buttons
• Reflect on why this issue triggers/upsets you
• Identify any changes in behavior that you need to make to protect
yourself
• Identify any requests you have for another person(s) to help mend
the situation

8. You Are Responsible!
When you remember to
identify and ask for what you want,
you can take back control of a difficult situation!

9. Example Situation
Social Sam
Walks around with
coffee cup in hand
and visits. Likes to tell
stories about his life.
My need is to get
my work done, and
when Sam visits
he interferes with
my work day.
It is my responsibility to
set a boundary with Sam
if I do not want to talk to
him. How can I do this
kindly, tactfully, and
effectively?
Annoying Behavior My Need My Responsibility
9

10. The Difference Between Acting & Reacting
Acting Reacting
Thoughtful, measured response Usually an impulsive, first response
Calm tone of voice Altered tone of voice
Relaxed posture Tension in physical body
Has understanding of “bigger”
picture
Usually focused on one element of
situation
Has ability to listen to others Does not have ability to listen
thoughtfully

11. Before Acting/Reacting in Any Situation…
Ask yourself:
What is this about for me?
What part of this situation do I own?
What is my goal in addressing the situation?

12. Technique to Respond, Not React
Event, Stressor,
Behavior that
annoys you
Automatic thoughts and
feelings
What are my thoughts,
feelings and
assumptions?
Clear Response
People who visit me
to talk socially when
I am at work!
• Frustrated, annoyed
• “Can’t they see I’m
busy?!”
• Fear I won’t finish on-
time
• No one works as hard
as I do.
• I need to get this done
now so I don’t have to
work weekends
• People should be able
to see how busy I am –
otherwise they’re not
paying attention!
Social visits interrupt my
work flow. It’s my
responsibility to
communicate this
clearly, otherwise they
have no way of knowing
how I prefer to be
treated.

13. How is Button-Pushing Behavior Different When it’s YOU
Pushing the Button?
Someone lets you down, and it's not the first time
~They are irresponsible and unreliable
You let someone down, and it's not the first time
~It's because you’re overworked and overwhelmed

14. Another Example…
Someone cuts you off while driving
~They are rude, aggressive, and inconsiderate
You cut someone off while you are driving
~It's because you are in a hurry, and if you don't catch these
lights you'll miss your doctor's appointment

15. Overview of Communication
• We communicate thoughts, feelings, values, ideas, opinions, needs,
and desires
• We communicate in a number of different ways:
o Speech (both words and tone)
o Silence
o Eye contact (or lack of eye contact)
o Facial expression
o Body movements/gestures
o Body contact

16. Barriers to Effective Communication
• Defensiveness or mistrust
• Misread, ignored, or mixed verbal & non-verbal cues
• Failure to listen carefully
• Automatic negative assumptions
• Hesitation saying how you feel, and what you want
• Making assumptions & judgments about what other people
“really” mean to say

17. So, What Can We Do?
Here are some ways to help foster effective communication:
• Assertive communication style
• Active listening
• Clarifying information
• Clear thinking
• Careful articulation of feelings and ideas
• Checking our perceptions and assumptions of other people’s
communication before acting on our judgments

18. Developing Assertive Communication
Assertiveness is…
• Expressing yourself clearly and directly
• Maintaining integrity
• Respecting others
• Practicing active listening
Potential blocks to assertive communication:
• Lack of self-awareness
• Anxiety
• Self-doubt
• Being too passive and/or aggressive

19. Active Listening
• Is being actively involved in the process of hearing another person
• Encourages eye contact, nodding of the head & facial expressions to
signal we are listening
• Allows the speaker to finish speaking without interruption
• Offer mirroring, reflecting, and paraphrasing
• Focus is on understanding and empathizing with person’s feelings and
point of view – we can offer understanding and empathy even if we don’t
agree and/or feel triggered

20. Tips Going Forward
• Always keep the focus on yourself
• Take responsibility for your own triggers
• Practice what we learned today –
Practice identifying and asking for what you want
Practice setting clear boundaries
• Always be kind

21. We appreciate your time and attention. Please let
us know if you have any questions.
Thank you.