1. Welcome welcome! Today for your entertainment and enjoyment,
we have a special feature: Iolanthe, by Gilbert & Sullivan. This is a
Plot I will be unable to work into the main story, because I should
have started setting it up a generation or so ago. Whoops.
Although Iolanthe is my favorite Gilbert & Sullivan title, and
although I had a t-shirt of Iolanthe as a child that I wore until I was
forced to throw it away (just because it had holes and you could read a
newspaper through it -- stupid parents!), this is not actually a particularly
dynamic opera. Sorry ‘bout that.
Blame W. S. Gilbert.

2. RUTH: Right, so our story opens with the chorus of fairies coming
out and dancing. Also singing a song about how they are delicate
little fairies flitting about, but since this show is generally
performed by people who have spent years and years training their
voices, you can imagine how well the dancing usually works. The
fairies themselves are aware of this, and after they finish their
dance, they talk about how they wish the Fairy Queen hadn’t
banished Iolanthe, since she was the one who wrote all their songs
and did the choreography for their dances. And then the Fairy
Queen herself comes in. Matt?

3. MATTHIAS (good-naturedly): What, are we engaging in hurtful
stereotyping now, just because I’m married to your brother-in-law?
Anyway, aren’t you going to play her? She’s a contralto.
RUTH: Iolanthe and Phyllis need to be onstage at the same time, so
I’m going to have to be Iolanthe this time around. Kids?
BUTTERCUP: No, thanks.
DESCARTES and OLD ADAM: NO!
OAKAPPLE: I don’t want to kiss any boys!
RUTH: Sarah Jane?
SARAH JANE (surprised): I though you needed me for Phyllis?
RUTH: I do, but can’t you double?
SARAH JANE: Okay.

4. RUTH: So the Fairy Queen comes in and says, basically:
SARAH JANE: Yes, I banished Iolanthe, but by our laws she
should have died for marrying a mortal.
DESCARTES: So why did you just banish her?
SARAH JANE: Because I liked her too! She was always my
favorite. And when I banished her, I thought she’d go somewhere
nice, like, oh, Pleasantview. Or Veronaville. Not the bottom of the
stream, with the frogs! Why would she do that?
OAKAPPLE: Why don’t you ask her?
SARAH JANE: Because if I saw her, I’d forgive her. Oh, heck
with it: Iolanthe!

5. RUTH: Yes, ma’am?
SARAH JANE: I forgive you. You’re a full fairy again. Now: Why
did you go to live at the bottom of the stream?
OAKAPPLE: With the frogs?
RUTH: To be near my son, Strephon.
SARAH JANE: You have a son? Why didn’t you tell me?
RUTH: I didn’t tell anybody, not even my husband. Strephon was
born after you banished me. He’s in love with Phyllis, a beautiful
Ward in Chancery, and he works as a shepherd. Would you like to
meet him?
SARAH JANE: I’d love to.

6. RUTH: Good, because here he comes.
(Enter Tim, to general hilarity)
DESCARTES (humiliated): What are you wearing?
TIM (with dignity): This is the outfit of an Arcadian shepherd.
DESCARTES (hopefully): Really?
TIM: No. A real shepherd would have wet himself laughing at the
idea that he tend sheep in this outfit. But the middle-class audience
Gilbert was writing for wouldn’t have known what to do with a
sheep if it was right in front of them. And they thought the outfit
looked charming.
RUTH: Of course, they were also into fairies.

7. TIM: Hi, Mom!
RUTH: Hi, Strephon! Good news! I’m not banished anymore.
TIM: Awesome! Who are these ladies?
RUTH: They are my sister fairies.
TIM: Then that makes them my aunts. Cool! You all have to come
to the wedding. I’m getting married today.
RUTH: So the Lord Chancellor gave you permission to marry
Phyllis?
TIM: No, even after I played him a song on my flute and
everything. But I’m going to go back today and play him another
one!

8. RUTH: Mmmmaybe he’d prefer it if you had a more stable job.
TIM: But what? My only skills are (ticks them off on his fingers as
he speaks) keeping velvet knee breeches clean despite all the
lanolin and sheep poop, using a curling iron, playing the flute, and
being devastatingly handsome.
SARAH JANE: Sounds like you’re perfectly qualified to go into
politics, then. How would you like to be a member of Parliament?

9. RUTH: And then follows a biting and screamingly hilarious bit of
political satire -- if you’re up on the British political scene of 1882.
Since I don’t think any of you are, we’ll skip it. But Strephon
agrees that yes, he’d like to be a member of Parliament.
SARAH JANE: Goodbye, Strephon! If you ever need us, just call!
TIM: Will do!
RUTH: And all the fairies leave, but in comes Phyllis.

10. SARAH JANE: Hi, Strephon!
TIM: Hi, Phyllis! Are you ready to get married?
SARAH JANE: Yes, but I’m a little nervous about -- about -- (in
her own voice) Why didn’t you just adapt a modern outfit, like me?
I mean, shepherdesses never really went around in heels and
petticoats that added three feet to their hip measurement.
TIM: But it looked charming. (getting back in character) Which
would be why every man in the entire House of Lords wants to
marry you.
SARAH JANE: Yes, but getting married without the Lord
Chancellor’s consent is a crime. Can’t you wait until I’m of age in
two years?

11. SARAH JANE: Ah. I see your point. Two years is totally
unreasonable.
RUTH: …And then they sing a song about how in love they are,
and we go to the House of Lords, where all the Lords are marching
in.

12. MATTHIAS TYRONE
(sings) (sings)
Tantara, ta ta ta ta ta ta ta, Bang, bang the
Tantara, ta ta ta ta ta ta ta, brasses, boom!
Tantara, ta ta ta ta ta ta ta, Bang, bang the
Tantara, ta ta ta ta ta ta ta, brasses, boom!
Tantara, ta ta ta ta ta ta ta, Tzing, boom!
Tantara, ta ta ta ta ta ta ta, Tzing, boom!
Tantara, ta ta ta ta ta ta ta, Tzing, boom! Tzing, boom!

13. RUTH: Yes, thank you for that overly dramatic entrance,
gentlemen. The Lords are followed by the Lord Chancellor.
RYAN (sings): The Law is the true embodiment, of everything
that’s excellent. It has no kind of fault or flaw, and I my Lords,
embody the Law! (speaks) Golly, I love my job! I’m the official
guardian of every pretty, parentless girl in the country -- not a one
of ’em over twenty-one! But you know the bad part? I can’t marry
any of ’em myself! (grumbles) I hate my job!

14. TYRONE: On to business!
RYAN: Yeah, yeah. I was getting there. So the whole House of
Lords has applied to me for permission to marry Phyllis, with the
understanding that Phyllis gets to pick the one of you she wants.
Frankly, I’d rather marry her myself than give her to one of you
bozos! But that’s not ethical, so I’ve asked her to come here today
and pick somebody. And oh look! Here she is.

15. SARAH JANE: You wanted to see me, Mr. Guardian Person, sir?
RYAN: Yes. Which of these fine Lords would you like to marry?
TYRONE, MATTHIAS, and AUDIENCE (at the urging of Ruth):
Pick me! Pick me!
SARAH JANE: Oh, I’m so sorry! You see, I’m in love already!
RYAN: In love! With who? Er -- whom?
TIM (heroically): With me!
TYRONE and MATTHIAS: A shepherd!
(Tyrone and Matthias stagger out, exaggeratedly heartbroken and
leaning on each other for support)
RYAN (to Tim): Can I have a word, kiddo?

16. RYAN: Look: you can’t legally marry Phyllis without my consent.
And I haven’t given it.
TIM: I don’t need your consent! Nature herself has told me it’s
copasetic! (dramatically) ’Tis writ in heaven by the bright barbed
dart that leaps forth into lurid light from from each grim
thundercloud!
RYAN: Sure, okay. That’s cool. But I can’t take your word for it -
that’s hearsay and inadmissible in court. Do you have an affidavit
from a thundercloud, maybe, or anything like that?
TIM: Um, no.
RYAN: Then you can’t legally marry Phyllis without my consent.
And I don’t give it. Bye-bye, now. (shoves Tim towards the door)

17. RUTH: Oh, Strephon! What’s wrong?
TIM: The Lord Chancellor says I can’t marry Phyllis!
RUTH: Well, never fear! The Fairy Queen will help you. I’ll ask
her for you.
TIM: Oh, thank you, Mom! How can I ever repay you?
RUTH: (in her own voice) Now, what Iolanthe and Strephon don’t
know is that Phyllis, Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller have
sneaked back in. Er, Ty, are you Mountararat or Tolloller?
TYRONE: I’m Lord Mountararat.
RUTH: Okay. Matt, you’re up, then. So not knowing that they’re
being overheard, Iolanthe and Strephon sing a little song.

18. RUTH (sings, to Tim): When tempests wreck thy bark, And all is
drear and dark, If thou shouldst need an Ark, I’ll give thee one!
SARAH JANE (to Matthias): What was that?
MATTHIAS (sings, to Sarah Jane): I heard the minx remark,
She’d meet him after dark, Inside St. James’s Park, And give him
one!
SARAH JANE: “Give him one”?! You mean, as in grown-up
stuff?!
MATTHIAS: Presumably.

19. SARAH JANE: You bastard!
TIM: Ow! Phyllis! This is my mother!
SARAH JANE: Your mother! Don’t make me laugh! What’d she
do -- have you eight years before she was born? (marches over to
Matthias and Tyrone) Okay, I’m going to marry one of you!
(Matthias and Tyrone look at each other uncertainly)
TYRONE: Er, which one?
SARAH JANE: I don’t care! (stomps off)

20. TIM: Oh, it’s like that, huh? (calls) Hey, Fairy Queen!
SARAH JANE: Yes, Strephon?
TIM: I want to be a member of Parliament. Right now.
SARAH JANE: Why so soon?
TIM: They say that Mom’s not my mother.
SARAH JANE: Oh do they? Well, I will make you a member of
Parliament, and everything you want to be law will be, so there!
TIM: Good! First thing I’ll do is make all members of the House of
Lords pass an intelligence test!
TYRONE (to Matthias): Crap! That’s us out of a job!
RUTH: …And that’s the end of Act I.

21. At this point, I would like to mention that Ruth et al. originally
came from Already in Progress, and while that generation is gone
now, the story is still going strong. Check it out on my LJ or at
Desirable Discourses. [/shameless self-promotion]

22. RUTH: So Act II opens with a jolly political commentary song by
a private in the guard -- you know, one of the guys in the big
bearskin hats? But it’s not as jolly out of context, and he’s not an
important character, so we’ll skip it. Then the fairies make another
embarrassing attempt at dancing and sing a song about how
Strephon’s a member of Parliament now, which we will also skip.
The really important thing to remember is the fairies are happy
about this development and the Lords are not.

23. TYRONE: This test to become a Peer is ridiculous! I don’t want to
say a word against brains -- I’ve a great respect for brains -- I often
wish I had some myself -- but…
(sings)
When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte,
As every child can tell,
The House of Peers, throughout the war,
Did nothing in particular,
And did it very well:
Yet Britain set the world ablaze
In good King George’s glorious days!

24. RUTH: Lord Mountararat explaining how having intelligent people
in charge of the country will lead to the inevitable catastrophic
destruction of the British Empire is apparently amazingly
attractive, because all the fairies fall in love with the lords. Then
both parties sing a song in which the fairies act like perfect
examples of sensitive Victorian womanhood --
TYRONE: Otherwise known as spoiled twelve-year-olds.
RUTH: -- and the lords act like wounded men of breeding.
TYRONE: Otherwise known as arrogant woohoo-heads.
RUTH: Thank you, Tyrone. You can go now.
(Tyrone leaves)

25. RUTH: At this point, the Fairy Queen comes out and reminds the
fairies that even though British men are undoubtedly the sexiest
men on the face of the earth, marrying one is still punishable by
death.
BUTTERCUP: She says “sexiest”?!
RUTH: No, actually she sings a song about the chief of the fire
company, which a brand-new thing in 1882. The fire reference is
obvious, and apparently the chief was really something. But since
he’s been dead at least a hundred years, I doubt he’s the studmuffin
he used to be. I’m paraphrasing here. Anyway, after the Fairy
Queen’s song, the fairies all leave and Lord Mountararat, Lord
Tolloller, and Phyllis come in.

26. TYRONE: Darling!
MATTHIAS: My own!
SARAH JANE: Hey! …Oh, wait. Are you the two noblemen I’m
engaged to?
TYRONE and MATTHIAS (together): That’s us.
SARAH JANE: Oh, that’s okay then. Have you decided which one
of you I’m marrying?
MATTHIAS: Wwwwe thought we’d leave that up to you.
SARAH JANE: I don’t care. You’re both Earls, rich, and plain.
TYRONE: Well, that’s true.

27. MATTHIAS: Should we flip for her?
TYRONE: Oh, that’s too crude.
MATTHIAS: It’s either that or a duel.
SARAH JANE: What if one of you gave up his title and lands?
Then I could go with the other one.
TYRONE and MATTHIAS (together): Nahhhhh.

28. TYRONE: I think she might be happier with me. I don’t know. I
may be wrong.
MATTHIAS: No. I don’t know that you are. I really believe she
would. But the awkward part of the thing is that if you rob me of
the girl of my heart, we must fight, and one of us must die. It’s a
family tradition that I have sworn to respect. It’s a painful position,
for I have a very strong regard for you, George.
TYRONE (much affected): My dear Thomas!
MATTHIAS: You are very dear to me, George. We were boys
together -- at least I was. If I were to survive you, my existence
would be hopelessly embittered.
TYRONE: Oh, Thomas…

29. RUTH: GILBERT NEVER WROTE THAT!
MATTHIAS: Well, if he didn’t, he should have.
TYRONE: Two confirmed bachelors who care more about each
other than a pretty girl? Waste of a good set up.
RUTH: STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

30. RUTH: So after Mountararat and Tolloller decide that their
friendship is more important than Phyllis, the three of them sing a
little song about that.
TYRONE (reading from a copy of the script): “Exeunt Lord
Mountararat and Lord Tolloller, lovingly, in one direction, and
Phyllis in the other.”*
RUTH: Give me that! (snatches the script) And then the Lord
Chancellor comes out and sings one of the best descriptions of a
dream I’ve ever encountered, and it’s a real pity that the staging
involves a man in his pajamas standing in one place.

31. RYAN
(sings)
…And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started
that morning from Devon);
He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when he tells
you he's only eleven
Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by the by, the
ship's now a four-wheeler),
And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names when
you tell him that "ties pay the dealer";
But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find
you're as cold as an icicle,
In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks),
crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle...

32. RUTH: And once the Lord Chancellor’s song is over, Mountararat
and Tolloller come in.
MATTHIAS: What’s the matter?
RYAN: Oh, I want to marry Phyllis, but I need my own permission
first. And last time I asked myself, I told myself no in really very
definite terms, and I’m afraid I could never go back and ask myself
again.
TYRONE: Cheer up! Remind yourself that you’re really a very
kindly gentleman, and as long as you’re properly respectful, you
don’t need to be concerned about facing yourself again.
RYAN: You’re right! I’ll ask again and see if I’m in a better mood.
RUTH: …And they all sing a song about that and leave.

33. TIM (glumly): Oh, hi, Lady… is it Mountararat or Tolloller?
SARAH JANE: I haven’t decided yet. I don’t have a mother to
give me advice.
TIM: I do.
SARAH JANE: A very young one, too.
TIM: Yeah, a couple of centuries or so. She’s a fairy. So is my
grandmother and all my aunts. (sighs) I’m half a fairy.

34. SARAH JANE: Which half?
TIM: Waist up.
SARAH JANE: (mutters) Darn. (aloud) Well, why didn’t you tell
me? I’m not prejudiced! I’d rather have half a mortal I love than
half-a-dozen I don’t. And now whenever I see you kissing a pretty
young girl, I’ll know it’s really an elderly relative.
TIM: Phyllis! Do you mean you’ll marry me after all?
SARAH JANE: Right away!
RUTH: …And they sing a song about that.

35. SARAH JANE: But what about your mother? We should tell her.
RUTH: She already knows. Welcome to the family!
SARAH JANE: Oh! But what about the Lord Chancellor? We still
need his permission. (to Ruth) I know! You can ask him for us!
Fairies can make anything happen.
RUTH: No! I can’t ask him. He -- He’s my husband! And
Strephon’s father.
SARAH JANE: Then of course you should ask him!
RUTH: No! He thinks I died childless! And if he finds out I didn’t
die really, then under fairy law, I have to die anyway. Oh crud, here
he comes!

36. RYAN: Victory! Victory! Success has crowned my efforts, and I
may consider myself engaged to Phyllis! At first I wouldn’t hear of
it -- it was out of the question. But I took heart. I pointed out to
myself that I was no stranger to myself; that, in point of fact, I had
been personally acquainted with myself for some years. This had
its effect. I admitted that I had watched my professional
advancement with considerable interest, and I handsomely added
that I yielded to no one in admiration for my private and
professional virtues. This was a great point gained. I then
endeavoured to work upon my feelings. Conceive my joy when I
distinctly perceived a tear glistening in my own eye! Eventually,
after a severe struggle with myself, I reluctantly -- most reluctantly
-- consented.

37. RUTH: No rush. Whenever you’re ready.
RYAN: Oh, sorry.
RUTH: (clears throat) I am here to plead for my son, Strephon. He
loves Phyllis more than life itself. If he cannot have her, he will
die. Oh, sir, if you ever loved anyone, please take pity on my son!
Take pity on a mother! Don’t let my son die!
RYAN: How tragic! But I’m afraid I can’t let him marry Phyllis.
RUTH: Why not?
RYAN: I’m going to marry her.
RUTH: You! (aside) Okay, this one is for Strephon. For Phyllis.
And for you! (to Ryan) You can’t marry Phyllis!

38. RYAN: Huh?
RUTH: You can’t marry Phyllis because I am your wife!
RYAN: Iolanthe? Baby? You’re… You’re alive?
RUTH: Yes, but not for long! I have broken the law, and now I
have to die.
RYAN: But -- !
SARAH JANE: Yes, she must die! The law is the law, you know.
RYAN: Well, yeah…
AUDIENCE (prompted by Ruth): STOP!

39. RUTH: And then the fairies explain that if Iolanthe is executed,
they all have to be executed. They just couldn’t resist inbred men
of very little brain any longer and have gone and married the
members of the House of Lords. All of them, Ty.
SARAH JANE: But -- But the law says right here: “Any fairy who
marries a mortal must die”! (produces a law book and points)
RYAN: Can I see? (studies the book, and then takes out a pen)
Easy fix -- one little word. (writes in the book) There. Now it says
“Any fairy who doesn’t marry a mortal must die.” All better!
DESCARTES: But what about the Fairy Queen?
OAKAPPLE: She’s not married to a mortal.

40. RUTH: Nope. But you remember the guard at the beginning of Act
II? The one with the jolly little song that we didn’t sing? The Fairy
Queen marries him. And since Strephon’s new law means that
there will be intelligent people running the country, nobody needs
the lords anymore, and they all go off to Fairyland with their new
wives. They sing a little song about it, and then curtain. The end.

41. RUTH: I said their wives, Matt! GILBERT DIDN’T WRITE
THAT!

42. Notes, disclaimers, and other trivia
Iolanthe is probably the show that aged the least well, or at least
the second-least-well, what with its heavy dependence on current
events of the time and Victorian sensibilities. I freely admit to
adding in my own editorial views.
Tim’s outfit and hairstyle were made by lidiqnata over at MTS.
Sarah Jane’s hair and Tyrone and Matthias’s facial hair were made
by Phaenoh over at MTS. All three bits of cc have been removed
from my game: the Rococo fashions because I don’t play a
historical game, and the hairs because I don’t agree with certain of
the creator’s viewpoints.

43. Once again, I used many of Gilbert’s own words; more than usual
this time around. In addition to the songs, these include Tim’s line
about “’Tis writ in heaven…”, Tyrone’s line about “I don’t want to
say anything against brains…”, Ryan’s speech about being allowed
to marry Phyllis at last, and the entire dialog between Tyrone and
Matt, beginning with “I don’t know. I may be wrong” and
continuing up until “…my existence would be hopelessly
embittered.” The stage direction Tyrone reads is real.
Just in case you thought I was making that relationship up out of
nowhere.

44. As a minor point of interest, Ryan is actually the youngest of the
three brothers, so he would not normally call Tim “kiddo.”
To be clear, Ruth has no problem with Tyrone and Matthias being
married in ordinary life. She does, however, have a problem with
them changing Gilbert’s characters.
I hope that you enjoyed this story, and that it wasn’t too long and
boring for you. We will return to our regularly scheduled
programming next time.
Until then, Happy Simming!