Matrimonial Minefields: Subtle Ways Satan Seeks to Undermine Your Marriage: Part 2, B.J. Clarke

1. Matrimonial
Minefields

2. Matrimonial Minefields
May Appear In Serene Settings

3. Satan Wants To Destroy Your Marriage!

4. Matrimonial
Minefields
Constant Conflict and
Criticisms

6. Different Types Of Filters
Let’s look at five types of filters that can affect couples as
they struggle for clear communication:
1. Distractions (noise, cell phones ringing, TV)
2. Emotional states (Bad day at work)
3. Beliefs and expectations (We see what we expect to
see)
4. Differences in style
5. Self-protection
Markman, Howard J.; Scott M. Stanley; Susan L. Blumberg (2010-03-18). Fighting for Your Marriage:
A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce
(p. 91). John Wiley and Sons. Kindle Edition.

7. The best defense against allowing filters to damage your
relationship is to acknowledge the filter when you are aware
that it’s there.
TOM: This bill for the phone company got missed again.
We better get this paid.
MARTA: (snapping with anger) I’m not the one who forgot
it. Can’t you see I have my hands full? Do something
helpful.
TOM: I’m sorry. Should’ve seen you were busy. Rough day?
MARTA: Yes. I had a very frustrating day. I don’t mean to
snap at you, but I’ve had it up to here. If I’m touchy, it’s not
really anything you’ve done.
TOM: Maybe we can talk about it some after dinner.
MARTA: Thanks.

8. Without using the word “filter,” Tom and Marta
acknowledged one was there. Marta had a bad day and
was on edge.
They could have let this conversation escalate into an
argument, but Tom had the good sense to see that he
had raised an issue at the wrong time. He decided not to
get defensive and chose to become gentle with Marta in
her frustration.
Marta responded by telling Tom, in essence, that she
had a filter going—her bad mood. Knowing this helped
him be less defensive in reaction to her mood.

9. Beliefs And Expectations
This next example shows how difficult it can be to get
around filters involving beliefs and expectations. Alex
and Helen are a couple who came to one of our couples
retreats. They were having problems deciding what to do
for fun when they had free time.
But they rarely got their act together to get out and
do something, so both were feeling emotionally
disconnected and frustrated. This conversation was
typical for them. Note how each acted as if they could
read the mind of the other:
Markman, Howard J.; Scott M. Stanley; Susan L. Blumberg (2010-03-18). Fighting for Your Marriage:
A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce
(pp. 96-97). John Wiley and Sons. Kindle Edition.

10. ALEX: (really wanting to go bowling, but thinking that Helen
was not interested in going out and doing anything fun together)
We have some free time tonight. I wonder if we should try to do
something.
HELEN: (thinking that she would like to get out but hearing the
tentativeness in his voice and thinking he really doesn’t want to
go out) Oh, I don’t know. What do you think?
ALEX: Well, we could go bowling, but it could be league night,
and we might not get in anyway. Maybe we should just stay in
and watch TV.
HELEN: (thinking, “Aha, that’s what he really wants to do.”)
That sounds good to me. Why don’t we see what’s on cable
tonight? Maybe there will be something good.
ALEX: (He’s disappointed, thinking, “I knew it. She really
doesn’t want to make the effort to get out and do something

11. In this conversation, there was no escalation,
invalidation, or withdrawal. Nevertheless, the couple did
not communicate well due to the filters involved.
Alex’s belief that Helen doesn’t like to go out colored
the entire conversation so much that the way he asked
her to go out led her to think that he wanted to stay in.
He “assumed” that she really didn’t want to go. That’s
called mind reading.
Markman, Howard J.; Scott M. Stanley; Susan L. Blumberg (2010-03-18). Fighting for Your Marriage:
A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce
(p. 97). John Wiley and Sons. Kindle Edition.

12. Different Styles
Sue and Tod came from very different families. His
family has always been very expressive of all manner of
emotion. They tend to show great intensity when
emotional. It’s just their way.
Sue’s family has always been more reserved. As a result,
a slight raising of the voice could mean great anger in
her family, whereas it would hardly be noticed in Tod’s.
In many conversations, therefore, Sue would
overestimate the intensity of Tod’s feelings, and Tod
would underestimate Sue’s feelings.

13. TOD: What did it cost to get the muffler fixed?
SUE: Four hundred and twenty-eight bucks.
TOD: (intense, getting red quickly) What? How could
they possibly charge that much! That’s outrageous.
SUE: (lashing out) I wish you could stop yelling at me!
I’ve told you over and over that I cannot listen to you
when you are yelling!
TOD: I am not yelling at you. I just can’t believe it could
cost that much.
SUE: Why can’t we have a quiet conversation like other
people? My sister and brother-in-law never yell.
TOD: They don’t talk about anything, either. Look, four
hundred and twenty-eight dollars is too much to pay,
that’s all I’m reacting to.

14. SUE: Why don’t you take the car in next time? I’m tired
of being yelled at for things like this.
TOD: Honey, look. I’m not upset at you. I’m upset at
them. And you know I can get pretty hot, but I’m not
trying to say you did anything wrong.
SUE: (calming down) Well, it seems that way sometimes.
TOD: Well, I’m not upset at you. Let me give that place
a call. Where’s the number?

15. Self-Protection
This filter is operating when our fear of rejection stops
us from saying what we truly want or feel.
Even a question as simple as “Wouldn’t you like to
go see that new movie with me?” can reflect a fear of
rejection. Instead of expressing our desire directly (“I’d
like to see that new movie; want to go?”), we often hide
it because directly speaking of it reveals more of who we
are, and that increases the risk of rejection.
This may not matter a lot when it comes to movies,
but when it comes to feelings, desires, and expectations
in marriage, a lot of misunderstanding can result.

16. Matrimonial
Minefields
Wearing Your Feelings
On Your Sleeves
1 Cor. 13:4-7

17. Matrimonial
Minefields
Failing To Meet The
Needs of Our Mate

18. If You Don’t, Who Will?
How many marriages have been wrecked because
someone else stepped in to feed the starving needs
of our mates?
Phil. 2:3ff

19. Matrimonial
Minefields
Perpetual
Inconsideration
Phil. 2:3-5

20. Matrimonial
Minefields
Withholding Physical
Intimacy As
Punishment
1 Cor. 7:2-5

21. Matrimonial
Minefields
Becoming A
Workaholic

22. Matrimonial
Minefields
Technology

23. What Are You Willing To Sacrifice?
Ephesians 5:25—Christ sacrificed His very life!
Can you sacrifice your laptop, iPhone, iPad,
Android etc. for an evening, or a weekend
getaway?

24. Matrimonial
Minefields
The Internet

25. Matrimonial
Minefields
Television

26. A Good Thing Can Become A Bad Thing
Good Things About Internet—GBN, HTH, etc.
Bad Things:
1. Pornography (Job 31:1; Psa. 101:3; Matt. 5:28)
2. Chat Rooms (Phil. 4:8)
3. A Thief Of Family Time (Eph. 6:4)

27. Matrimonial
Minefields
Recreation

28. Matrimonial
Minefields
When Spenders
Marry Savers
Psa. 37:21; Prov. 22:7

29. Matrimonial
Minefields
Raising Children

30. Don’t Let Children Divide You
1. In Child rearing, there must be unity!
2. In Child rearing, there must not be favoritism
(Gen. 25:28; Gen. 37:3)

31. Matrimonial
Minefields
The Empty Nest

32. Don’t Let Children Divert You
1. From your duties as a husband/wife
2. The empty nest will seem awfully empty if all
of your love was diverted to the children.

33. Matrimonial
Minefields
Lying

34. One “Little White Lie” Can Ruin Trust
1. If you’ll lie to me about the little things, what
about the big things?
2. Can I really trust what you tell me?
John 8:44; Colossians 3:9

35. Matrimonial
Minefields
Insincere Apologies

36. Matrimonial
Minefields
Blaming Your Mate
For Your Grief

37. Betsy and Kirk had been married twelve years
when they experienced the death of their nine-
year-old son. He was killed instantly by an
automobile as he rode his bicycle from the
driveway into the street.
In my first conversation with Betsy, less than
six hours after the accident, I discovered the seeds
of blame. She said, "I had just told Kirk last week
that he needs to spend more time with Andrew, talking
with him about safety rules for riding his bicycle. If Kirk
had talked with him, maybe this would not have
happened."

38. Later, in talking with Kirk, I sensed a similar
attitude. "I have never liked this place," he said. "I told
Betsy two years ago that I wanted us to get a little farm.
I don't like raising kids in the city. It's too dangerous. I
wish I had listened to my heart."
Two months later, in another conversation, I
found Kirk rehearsing the same message again. "I
just wish we would have moved to the farm two years
ago. Betsy resisted the idea. She said it was so much
more convenient in the city, but there is more to life
than convenience."

39. The following week I met with Betsy and found
that she, too, had been playing the same message
in her mind for two months. "If only Kirk had
talked to Andrew about safety rules, maybe Andrew
would still be with us."
Betsy was blaming Kirk, and Kirk was blaming
Betsy. They would not have said it directly to one
another, but their attitudes revealed the truth.

40. I wish I could say that through counseling Kirk
and Betsy changed their attitudes and found
comfort and hope.
The reality is that in less than a year they
were separated and shortly thereafter divorced,
creating additional pain for their other two sons,
ages five and seven.
Negative attitudes led to negative behavior, which
ended in bitterness and divorce.

41. Charles and Kelly experienced a very similar
tragedy, but with very different results. Andrea,
their seven-year-old daughter, drowned in the
backyard pool while both parents were in the
house.
Charles and Kelly were planning to join
Andrea for a swim, but she jumped in before they
arrived. "She was a good swimmer," Kelly said, "and
she had never gone into the pool without our being
there. That was one of our rules. I don't know what
happened."

42. I had several sessions with Kelly and Charles over
the next six months. Never once did I hear them
blame each other, and never once did they blame
Andrea.
"She was just being a child,” Kelly said, with tears
coursing down her cheeks. "No need to blame her for
breaking our buddy rule. It won't bring her back."
Deeply pained, Charles and Kelly talked their way
through their grief, gave each other the freedom
to cry, held each other tenderly, and survived the
ordeal with an even stronger marriage.
Gary Chapman. The Four Seasons of Marriage (Kindle Locations 864-870). Kindle Edition.

43. Matrimonial
Minefields
Focusing On Only
The Negatives