This document discusses the Love and Logic parenting approach. Some key points include:
1) Love and Logic connects a child's behavior to natural consequences rather than anger from parents. This allows the consequences to do the teaching.
2) The approach focuses on addressing bad decisions, not the child. It also separates consequences from behavior to avoid anger interfering with learning.
3) The four steps to teaching responsibility are to give an achievable task, expect mistakes will happen, respond with empathy and consequences, then give the task again.
2. L & L vs. FrustrationL & L vs. Frustration
► Connecting kidConnecting kid
behavior tobehavior to
consequenceconsequence
► Empathy allowsEmpathy allows
consequence to do theconsequence to do the
teaching.teaching.
► Focus is on badFocus is on bad
decisiondecision
► SeparatingSeparating
consequence andconsequence and
behavior with eitherbehavior with either
warnings, secondwarnings, second
chances, or a lot ofchances, or a lot of
anger.anger.
► Anger shifts focus fromAnger shifts focus from
behavior to parentbehavior to parent
3. Four Steps to ResponsibilityFour Steps to Responsibility
1.1. Give child a task he/she can handle.Give child a task he/she can handle.
2.2. Hope the child “blows” it.Hope the child “blows” it.
3.3. Let equal parts of empathy andLet equal parts of empathy and
consequence do the teaching.consequence do the teaching.
4.4. Give the same task again.Give the same task again.
4. Give Task Child can HandleGive Task Child can Handle
►Builds responsibilityBuilds responsibility
►Prepares children for the real worldPrepares children for the real world
►Develops self-conceptDevelops self-concept
5. Hope that the Child “Blows” it…Hope that the Child “Blows” it…
►…….so the child has a learning experience.so the child has a learning experience
when the price is small.when the price is small.
6. Let = Parts of Empathy &Let = Parts of Empathy &
Consequences do the TeachingConsequences do the Teaching
►Empathy allows learning, rather than focusEmpathy allows learning, rather than focus
on adult angeron adult anger
►Empathy builds relationshipEmpathy builds relationship
►Empathy stimulates thinkingEmpathy stimulates thinking
►Consequences allow children to “own”Consequences allow children to “own”
problemproblem
►Consequences are Real WorldConsequences are Real World
7. Anger:Anger:
► Child looks at adult,Child looks at adult,
instead of decisioninstead of decision
Empathy &Empathy &
Consequence:Consequence:
► Child looks at his/herChild looks at his/her
life and his/herlife and his/her
decisionsdecisions
8. One-Liners said with CompassionOne-Liners said with Compassion
►““Probably so.”Probably so.”
►““I know.”I know.”
►““Nice Try.”Nice Try.”
►““I’ll love you wherever you live.”I’ll love you wherever you live.”
►““I bet it feels that way.”I bet it feels that way.”
►““What do you think you’re going to do?What do you think you’re going to do?
9. One-Liners ContinuedOne-Liners Continued
►““I don’t know. What do you think?”I don’t know. What do you think?”
►““Bummer. How sad.”Bummer. How sad.”
►““Thanks for sharing.”Thanks for sharing.”
►““That’s an option.”That’s an option.”
►““I bet that is true.”I bet that is true.”
►““I love you too much to argue.”I love you too much to argue.”
10. 2 Guarantees Every Day2 Guarantees Every Day
We either get ourselves into a mess orWe either get ourselves into a mess or
someone else dumps a mess into our lives.someone else dumps a mess into our lives.
We need our kids to be solid in eitherWe need our kids to be solid in either
situation.situation.
11. ►Message: “You’re smart and I know you canMessage: “You’re smart and I know you can
learn from your mistakes.”learn from your mistakes.”
►Communicates TRUST.Communicates TRUST.
►Says: “YOU ARE CAPABLE.”Says: “YOU ARE CAPABLE.”
12. The Science of ControlThe Science of Control
When we share control,When we share control,
we get our share.we get our share.
When we hoard the control,When we hoard the control,
we soon lose it all.we soon lose it all.
13. We either give controlWe either give control
or the other personor the other person
takes it!takes it!
14. The Art of ControlThe Art of Control
I will always provide two alternatives, eitherI will always provide two alternatives, either
of which will make me deliriously happy!of which will make me deliriously happy!
15. Magic PhrasesMagic Phrases
for Stating Choicesfor Stating Choices
►What would be best for you…What would be best for you…
►Would you rather….Would you rather….
►Feel Free to…Feel Free to…
►You can either…..You can either…..
16. Consultant parents take good care ofConsultant parents take good care of
themselves in front of the kids…themselves in front of the kids…
► They never tell a kid what to do.They never tell a kid what to do.
► They get better results by saying whatThey get better results by saying what they’rethey’re
going to do.going to do.
► They offer choices and alternatives instead ofThey offer choices and alternatives instead of
orders.orders.
► When confronted with a problem, consultantWhen confronted with a problem, consultant
parents use meaningful actions andparents use meaningful actions and fewfew words.words.
They wrap consequences in a loving blanket ofThey wrap consequences in a loving blanket of
empathy.empathy.
17. Strategic Training Session: I willStrategic Training Session: I will
conduct the training session whenconduct the training session when
►Time: I have the time.Time: I have the time.
►Energy: I have the EnergyEnergy: I have the Energy
►Support: I have someone to support mySupport: I have someone to support my
actions.actions.
►Rehearsal: I have rehearsed & can’t wait toRehearsal: I have rehearsed & can’t wait to
practice my new technique.practice my new technique.
18. As soon as the child is ableAs soon as the child is able
to suffer the consequences,to suffer the consequences,
he/she can make thehe/she can make the
decisions.decisions.
19. How to Destroy the Teaching ValueHow to Destroy the Teaching Value
of a Logical Consequenceof a Logical Consequence
► Say, “This will teach you a good lesson.”Say, “This will teach you a good lesson.”
► Anger or disgustAnger or disgust
► Explain the value of the consequenceExplain the value of the consequence
► Moralize or threatenMoralize or threaten
► Talk to muchTalk to much
► Feel sorry and “give in.”Feel sorry and “give in.”
► Contrive a consequence for the purpose ofContrive a consequence for the purpose of
“getting even.”“getting even.”
Turn to a partner and tell of a time in childhood when you learned from a mistake. Now think of times when you have seen other parents miss the opportunity when there was an acceptable risk. Cheryl – Lindsey drinking. vs. If you get hit by a car, I guess you’ll learn to not run in the road.
Reminders: Powerful statement, “You aren’t capable of remembering and I don’t think you are strong enough to handle a setback.” Not studying in the elementary, refusing to eat, not cleaning up toys, etc.
You will be amazed at what this does to your relationship with your child. Think of a neighbor lecturing you on getting reprimanded at work – mortgage on house.
2
Rather than “Hurry UP!” Try, “Would you rather dress quickly now, or change in the car? You decide.” Acting like you control something you don‘t, will make you lose footing with your child.