Book of Tweets by Lucent from 2012-2014.

2. Lucent
@Lucent
1 1 7:25 AM - 15 Mar 2007

3. Lucent
@Lucent
I hope people are impressed by how
confidently I walk toward automatic
doors.
2 10:55 AM - 21 Feb 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I like to guess along while they draw
the lottery numbers, just to make sure I
don't have magic powers.
1 11:01 AM - 22 Feb 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't like when hipsters buy clothing
from Goodwill. That's another shirt that
a poor person won't get to buy at a
discount.
1 10:35 AM - 23 Feb 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I can't stand if a lamp is turned on
when light is coming in through a
window. Something to do with the
different colors of light.
1 2:20 PM - 24 Feb 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I used to think pickles were a sea
animal, what with their cloudy jar,
bumps, and occasional tail.
1 12:01 PM - 25 Feb 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I can't concentrate on a phone
conversation if someone is
eavesdropping because I'm too caught
up in how they perceive it.
1 12:03 PM - 26 Feb 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't like getting toys in my cereal
because that's something I paid for
that I don't get to eat.
1 10:01 AM - 27 Feb 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't know the breed names of dogs,
so I go by their most famous
incarnation: Scooby-Doo, Beethoven,
Wishbone, Lassie.
1 10:25 AM - 28 Feb 2012

4. Lucent
@Lucent
I read the craigslist missed
connections for every single airport city
I pass through.
1 9:33 PM - 29 Feb 2012

5. Lucent
@Lucent
I don't like playing games at carnivals
due to the high risk of becoming a
fishowner.
1 1 10:21 AM - 1 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It's not what was said that hurts me
when a friend mocks me but the voice
they use to do it. I sound like that?
1 3:58 PM - 2 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I pretend to be one of those hip liberals
that always leaves their door unlocked
by pre-unlocking whenever I'm
expecting someone.
1 10:11 AM - 3 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I keep all my receipts in case I'm
fingered for a murder, I can prove I was
elsewhere.
1 12:54 PM - 4 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I consider carpet to be a birdcage for
humans. Both allow dirt to fall below
the standing surface to minimize the
need for cleaning.
1 10:06 AM - 5 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I like when girls' ears poke out of their
hair.
1 8:45 AM - 6 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I always make sure my hair is never
over my food while cooking or eating
so it can't fall in.
1 10:20 AM - 7 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I wish the term stalker still meant
something. In my day, it involved
binoculars and bushes, not visiting
someone's online profile twice.
1 1 10:57 AM - 8 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
A good way to calm someone down
you're about to murder would be to
say they're on Scare Tactics.
1 2:05 PM - 9 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm very afraid of the garbage disposal.
I'm not entirely sure those rubber
wings will protect me from whatever
metal comes flying out.
1 11:03 AM - 10 Mar 2012

6. Lucent
@Lucent
Having a ceiling fan is like having a
helicopter landing in your living room
all the time. Reach up to put an arm in
a shirt, whack!
1 1:04 PM - 11 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I know fireworks are essentially lame
because I see parents trying to
enhance the experience for kids.
"Wowee! Ooh! Look at that! Kaboom!"
1 11:35 AM - 12 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I wonder if my leg hair stopping exactly
at my sockline is a coincidence, or my
socks are just pulling out all my leg
hair.
1 10:44 AM - 13 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I pretend to think all slices of pizza are
equal, but as soon as that box flips
open, I've already decided on my top
three.
1 1:25 PM - 14 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I like the shallow learning curve of
photography. Imagine being a painter
and the worst you could do was
exactly duplicate real life.
1 11:26 AM - 15 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I wish I had the self control to own
food items that can be immediately
eaten.
1 8:43 PM - 16 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't know why songs on the radio
are allowed to contain the sounds of
emergency vehicles.
1 11:52 AM - 17 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I like to fantasize about meeting a
celebrity and pretending not to be
impressed.
1 11:02 AM - 18 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I find it ironic that at a karaoke bar, the
creeps are the ones who can sing.
1 11:40 AM - 19 Mar 2012

7. Lucent
@Lucent
I didn't know the Battle of the Bulge
was an actual battle. I thought it was
just a metaphor for weight loss.
1 10:45 AM - 20 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
My urge to flood, and swim in, glassed
in showers has not decreased with
age.
1 8:37 AM - 21 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Why are cockroaches included in
allergy tests? Aren't you going to avoid
those regardless of whether you're
allergic to them?
1 10:23 AM - 22 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Remember when your parents
accidentally called you stupid? Then
they weaseled out with, "I didn't call
you stupid, just your actions." Nice.
1 7:35 AM - 23 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I always hear decapitations described
as having your head chopped off. Isn't
it actually your body that gets chopped
off?
1 10:23 AM - 24 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
People who want a "good listener"
worry me. Are you so uninsightful that I
have to be “good” at sitting there to
stomach how boring you are?
1 11:18 AM - 25 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It's considered poor taste to ask
disabled people to attempt to
overcome their disability for your
amusement. Unless it's colorblindness.
1 11:07 AM - 26 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I like Frappuccinos because they're a
socially acceptable way for an adult to
enjoy a milkshake.
1 11:47 AM - 27 Mar 2012

8. Lucent
@Lucent
I know when scientists talk about
finding life in the seas of Titan, they
mean microbes, but I can't help but
hope for a big spacedolphin.
1 11:08 AM - 28 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I hate seeing how deeply and
vigorously people rub their eyes and
knowing I do it myself.
1 11:08 AM - 29 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I can't seem to worry in the morning.
Thoughts things that kept me up the
night before are neutral the next
morning.
1 9:17 AM - 30 Mar 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I always count the number of letters in
a spelled phone number on TV to
make sure there aren't too many.
1 11:13 AM - 31 Mar 2012

9. Lucent
@Lucent
I feel awful for people specifically cast
as ugly, like the girls in Shallow Hal.
1 10:05 AM - 1 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Weather alerts always read like
telegrams from the 1900s with their all
caps and excessive use of ellipses.
Only thing missing is FULL STOP.
1 12:30 PM - 2 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Sometimes I don't hang up after a
phone call and just watch the call timer
to see if they're being lazy and
expecting me to disconnect.
1 10:20 AM - 3 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm often afraid to read my Facebook
feed with others around because of the
risk of a chat box popping up and
what it might say.
1 1:29 PM - 4 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I never know who to vote for in the
shareholder annual meeting e-mails.
Seems harder to figure out than even
city council elections.
1 10:07 AM - 5 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't really know the bounds of my
car and am consistently amazed it
doesn't fall off the edge of narrow
roads or clip bumpers as I park.
1 7:49 AM - 6 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I think it's tacky when people "forget"
to take off their employee badges
when going out in public.
1 9:43 AM - 7 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When my foot is off the brake at a light,
I can feel the car drifting both forwards
and backwards, even though I'm sure
it's not moving.
1 10:40 AM - 8 Apr 2012

10. Lucent
@Lucent
The sound of me being injured in the
shower will be significantly louder than
dropping the soap. No need to check
on me in the latter case.
1 5:05 PM - 9 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If someone borrows money from me
and doesn't pay it back, I judge their
every action on Facebook. "Eating
out? Could've paid me back twice."
1 11:18 AM - 10 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Isn't it presumptuous to call a
magazine Better Homes & Gardens?
Doesn't that imply they're all better
than yours?
1 11:19 AM - 11 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't use the five-second rule
because it's not the germs that bother
me but the dirt and debris. Those don't
delay ruining floor candy.
1 10:21 AM - 12 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If a photo exists of someone with
African children, you can be damn sure
it'll make it to their Facebook profile
picture.
1 1:41 PM - 13 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Don't seat me right next to the only
other occupied table. The whole
restaurant is empty.
1 10:11 AM - 14 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Recycling almost makes me feel okay
about the dozens of cardboard boxes
I've accumulated from buying
shampoo and cereal on Amazon.
1 12:01 PM - 15 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Sometimes, I'll shower with the lights
off.
1 10:02 AM - 16 Apr 2012

11. Lucent
@Lucent
The spammier and phonier mail is, the
more it tries to convince you otherwise.
"Tampering with mail is illegal! Time
sensitive!"
1 11:08 AM - 17 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I won't sign up for a web site if my
desired username is unavailable.
1 12:19 PM - 18 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When traveling the USA, the only real
reminder I'm far from home is the
mismatched TV affiliate numbers.
NBC-2? FOX16? Very unnerving.
1 2:35 PM - 19 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When the commercials are in 5.1 but
the show isn't, I'm angry at the
commercials when I should be angry at
the show.
1 5:06 PM - 20 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I feel foods that offer a resealing tab
are saying they shouldn't be eaten in
one sitting, but I doubt Junior Mints are
ever left for later.
1 12:07 PM - 21 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
How come scripted TV static in shows
and movies always looks so fake?
Can't they just record some real static
while fiddling with wires?
1 2:31 PM - 22 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I think I may be the only one who
doesn't have strong feelings, positive
or negative, about Facebook or Twitter.
1 2:18 PM - 23 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If anything is going to make me late in
the morning, it is invariably an
unfindable belt.
1 11:36 AM - 24 Apr 2012

12. Lucent
@Lucent
My generation is ill-equipped to handle
needles in new and dry cleaned
clothing. It just seems dangerous and
unnecessary.
1 11:34 AM - 25 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
The question isn't so much "Do I want
popcorn?" I like popcorn. It's "Do I feel
like digging husk from under my gums
for the next two days?"
1 11:21 AM - 26 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Instead of high schoolers taking home
a fake baby, let's try sending them
home with some old NiCd batteries to
keep healthy and memory-free.
2 2:31 PM - 27 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I like how the shell of Klondike and
Magnum ice cream bars collects in my
mouth for enjoyment when the ice
cream is finished.
1 2:02 PM - 28 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't understand the need to clean
up water when it's spilled at home. It
dries completely and cleanly on its
own.
1 10:47 AM - 29 Apr 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Whenever someone with a bashed up
car makes a bad traffic maneuver, I
can’t help but judgmentally think,
"That's how you got those dents."
1 11:13 AM - 30 Apr 2012

13. Lucent
@Lucent
Adding someone on Facebook and
finding out they used to be fat from old
photos feels like uncovering a dark,
unspeakable secret.
1 10:45 AM - 1 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
None of the brass instruments impress
me because their sound can be
exactly duplicated by raspberries on
various parts of the body.
1 11:44 AM - 2 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Nothing says a startup has failed quite
like mopey "You haven't logged in in a
month" e-mails.
1 1:43 PM - 3 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm certain that if I had a complete
physical they'd find something horribly
wrong.
1 2:18 PM - 4 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Around town, I wonder how travelers
imagine our lives based on our exits,
the way I imagine their lives based on
their exits when I travel.
1 11:01 AM - 5 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Every so often something so great
happens I want to go back and tell
depressed high school me, "Stick
around, this'll happen."
1 2 12:07 PM - 6 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I spend a lot of time tracking and trying
to get rid of obscure gift certificates
and rebate cards.
1 2:31 PM - 7 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I like when newscasters pretentiously
switch accents when pronouncing
foreign city names.
1 1 12:03 PM - 8 May 2012

14. Lucent
@Lucent
Who are all these people who get on
the interstate and then immediately get
back off again at the very next exit?
1 10:05 AM - 9 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I sit while people stand in line for the
gate at the airport but still feel
compelled to jump in line as if I could
get left behind.
1 2:09 PM - 10 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm not all that excited by instant-on
streaming video. I'd rather wait for it to
load than risk even one interrupting
pause.
1 12:03 PM - 11 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When missing a deadline at work, the
schoolkid in me sometimes wants to
ask, "Am I in trouble?"
1 1:53 PM - 12 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I can hate someone just from seeing
how they drive.
1 1:46 PM - 13 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
On vacation, I feel like we're all playing
chicken with each other. We'd rather
sit around but we have to pretend to
want to do stuff.
1 4:26 PM - 14 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Not only is Jello made of cow bone
slurry, it also has the texture of a
jellyfish, which most people won't even
touch.
1 12:27 PM - 15 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Whether I'm on business or pleasure,
every night I spend away from home I
take a long bath.
1 11:21 AM - 16 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When on a guided tour, I can't help but
multiply the rate by the number of
customers to determine how much the
guide is making.
1 11:26 AM - 17 May 2012

15. Lucent
@Lucent
I learned many years ago never to rest
my elbow on the armrest in a car while
scratching my eye.
1 8:12 PM - 18 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If you eat an airline meal with your
earplugs in, it feels like worms are
burrowing into your brain.
1 5:15 PM - 19 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I wonder if the intense partying at
bachelor(ette) parties is designed to be
miserable to create a final aversion to
freedom and debauchery.
1 5:23 PM - 20 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When visiting a sick friend at the
hospital, I try to humanize them to the
staff with personal details as if they're
hostage takers.
1 3:35 PM - 21 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
The more artifically humble a bio is, the
more accomplished its author thinks
he is. "I review patents. Also came up
with a neat theory."
1 11:22 AM - 22 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I pretend not to have seen a movie if I
thought it sucked and someone just
said they liked it.
1 12:52 PM - 23 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I have no sympathy for businesses or
even entire industries whose business
models are obsoleted by a new
competitor.
1 4:03 PM - 24 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When dating someone significantly
shorter, the perpetual anxiety that the
first kiss could happen at any moment
is missing.
1 10:53 AM - 25 May 2012

16. Lucent
@Lucent
Stats like "Americans eat 4 billion
pounds of cheese a year" are
meaningless to me. Do the division.
Tell me how much one person eats a
day.
1 1:23 PM - 26 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Due to careful stacking of washed
utensils, it's possible the bottom
spoons and forks in my drawer have
never been used.
1 12:37 PM - 27 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't often put in a movie due to the
commitment involved. If it comes on
TV, though, that's a different story.
1 9:21 PM - 28 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I can't stand B&W TV shows or
movies. I can't even stand other color
schemes like Technicolor.
1 5:00 PM - 29 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I carefully fold my keys before putting
them in my pocket so they're not
jutting every which way.
1 11:29 AM - 30 May 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Feel-good daytime talk shows seem
normal, until a cut to applause shots of
the audience. The lifeless expressions
suggest something's amiss.
1 7:56 PM - 31 May 2012

17. Lucent
@Lucent
Statistically, I should guess right half
the time, but when fitting bed sheets, I
always match one's long edge with the
other's short edge.
1 11:59 AM - 1 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I wish web sites had a login option that
said "I'm not a homeless person at a
library. I own a computer. Keep me
logged in forever."
1 1 10:43 AM - 2 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I wish sunscreen didn't save its
waterproofing powers for when I'm
trying to remove it in the shower at the
end of the day.
1 11:21 AM - 3 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I know it's time to trim my toenails
when one toe's nail begins cutting into
the adjacent toe.
1 8:03 AM - 4 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I think they got it backwards. I always
thought Mr. Ed sounded more like a
human name and Wilbur more like a
horse name.
1 9:39 AM - 5 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I've had so many scammy experiences
with inkjet printers that I hate inkjet
technology in general rather than the
specific manufacturers.
1 4:21 PM - 6 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When I sit down to eat in front of the
TV, commercials come on. When I
finish eating, the show returns.
1 10:11 AM - 7 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I feel very accomplished when I finish a
milk jug just before it's going to expire.
1 3:55 PM - 8 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Hiding your past to keep your children
from repeating it always ensures that
they do.
1 1:00 PM - 9 Jun 2012

18. Lucent
@Lucent
I'm sick of TiVo ad-skippers and
Internet-only TV watchers acting like
Martians every time an ad comes on.
"How weird, a commercial!"
1 12:44 PM - 10 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Every red "alarm will sound" barrier on
a door is a lie. You can open any of
them without consequence. Your
friends may panic, though.
1 1 10:10 AM - 11 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When I hear of a shooting, even one
block away, I draw an imaginary line
between it and my home and call it
another "area" so I feel safe.
1 1 8:56 AM - 12 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
At self-serve frozen yogurt places, I'm
very conscious of the taste-to-weight
ratio of toppings. Not wasting money
on heavy, unsugary fruit.
1 12:46 PM - 13 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
That horrible feeling of watching what's
obviously your food be delivered to the
wrong table.
1 7:43 AM - 14 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't get research papers. The goal is
to combine and reword many sources
and pretend it's your own work but
copying exactly is forbidden?
1 10:00 AM - 15 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I can't help but look for reflections of
the camera in peoples' eyeglasses in
movies.
1 11:35 AM - 16 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't mind rappers boasting when it's
earned, but copying a song and then
talking over it about how musically
gifted you are seems ironic.
1 10:47 AM - 17 Jun 2012

19. Lucent
@Lucent
I find time-outs too cruel to use on
children. Time-outs are the punishment
they use on you in prison when you're
already in prison!
1 10:37 AM - 18 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I never cared for teachers pretending
to figure something out with us when
they were really just playing a game of
"guess what I'm thinking"
1 6:27 PM - 19 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If everyone gets the same glowing
eulogy at death regardless of whether
they were a jerk, how will we know
when actual good people die?
1 9:16 AM - 20 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
In America, having more cars more
often signals hardship than prosperity.
Over 5 in the yard and you may want
to stop and offer canned food.
1 8:51 AM - 21 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Thanks for noticing I lost weight, but I
don't know who you are and I'm sure
we've never spoken before.
1 9:11 AM - 22 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
My favorite candies are the hard
sugary letters used to spell happy
birthday on your cake.
1 4:38 PM - 23 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
On most issues, I either have no
opinion at all or an opinion so out of
the mainstream it can't be politely
discussed.
1 11:17 AM - 24 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Every concert I attend, the band
somehow weasels out of playing their
all-time most popular song.
1 11:41 AM - 25 Jun 2012

20. Lucent
@Lucent
I suspect people who post pictures of
their car's thermometer showing how
hot it is just do it to brag that their car
has a thermometer.
2 9:14 AM - 26 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Unless I start creating garbage a lot
faster than I buy groceries, this bag
collection is only going to get bigger.
1 10:00 AM - 27 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I suspect the fatherly wisdom of next
generation will be how to get what you
want from customer service rather
building or fixing things.
1 7:51 AM - 28 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Waking up on the half hour throws me
off. Don't know if I'm hitting my getting
ready milestones on time. Brush teeth
by :15, shower by :30?
1 9:03 AM - 29 Jun 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't know why you'd bother suction
cupping things to the shower or
bathroom mirror. You might as well be
pulling the pin on a grenade.
1 10:31 AM - 30 Jun 2012

21. Lucent
@Lucent
I must have a small mouth, because I
always have to look for that one
normal sized spoon among all the
huge ones in the drawer.
1 11:08 AM - 1 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
The best thing about visiting home is
rifling through old drawers,
remembering my childhood one trinket
at a time.
1 9:58 AM - 2 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Showering sometimes makes me so
thirsty I'll turn off the hot at the end and
drink showerwater.
1 9:25 AM - 3 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I always try to order a beer at "family"
diners that don't serve to show them
I'm not intimidated by their attempt to
shame me for drinking.
1 11:03 AM - 4 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I suspect the real reason drunk driving
is dangerous isn't because it impairs
reflexes or attention but because it
impairs fear of death.
1 9:54 AM - 5 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
A good litmus of whether you're fat is if
you can sit on the remote without
realizing it.
1 8:24 AM - 6 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Telling me more tickling could result in
urination doesn't encourage me to
stop. It does just the opposite.
1 2:18 PM - 7 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
The anticipation of waiting for ordered
pizza to arrive is far more intense than
it should be.
1 9:28 AM - 8 Jul 2012

22. Lucent
@Lucent
If you mention Facebook and hear "I
have one but I don't use it" that
actually means "If you search, you'll
find me, but I won't add you."
1 12:10 PM - 9 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Reaching old age is no longer the
accomplishment it was, so I think it's
time we stopped giving old people
extra respect just for being old.
1 4:40 PM - 10 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It's comforting to see songs I
"discover" eventually make the top 40.
That lets me know probably very little
good stuff is getting lost.
1 3:31 PM - 11 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I like songs better when I can't quite
make out the lyrics. Probably why I like
a lot of foreign music too.
1 9:01 AM - 12 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I can't help but feel something is amiss
when the travel expenses on a
business trip amount to more than my
pay.
1 12:58 PM - 13 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When picking a restaurant with friends,
there's always one I dance around and
secretly want them to bring up, so they
think it's their idea.
1 12:41 PM - 14 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't do well at McKay because I find
the customers more interesting than
the books. Characters welcome.
2 3:01 PM - 15 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I researched something I want to buy
online. Now I have to look at ads
related to it for the next month.
1 9:59 AM - 16 Jul 2012

23. Lucent
@Lucent
It's been a while since I bought a CD
and forced myself to listen to the filler
songs so I didn't feel like I spent $15
for their one hit.
1 6:54 PM - 17 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Candy flavors like watermelon taste
nothing like a real watermelon. They all
taste like each other--what we've
learned to call "watermelon."
1 12:19 PM - 18 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It's unsettling how strongly cereal
glues to the bowl when it's left in the
sink for just a few hours.
1 8:26 AM - 19 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Every so often I’ll "check" and find that
my eyebrows are raised for no
apparent reason and probably have
been for some time.
1 1:53 PM - 20 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm starting to wonder if Twitter is only
popular because people see it as a
way to potentially be noticed by
celebrities.
1 2:07 PM - 21 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
UFC is the result of taking all the fake
stuff out of wrestling. It appears,
however, that the fake stuff was also
the entertaining stuff.
1 11:02 AM - 22 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It's presumptuous when old people
who knew me as a child try to hold
that over my head as if that entitles
them to some familiarity now.
1 12:17 PM - 23 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If human hands are at all involved in
retrieving ice for my drink, I'd rather go
without.
1 7:53 AM - 24 Jul 2012

24. Lucent
@Lucent
I find it narcissistic when Podunk
towns associate themselves with
national news by finding a victim’s
brother’s cousin who lives here.
1 11:21 AM - 25 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Why don't houses or apartments have
urinals? Only public places get such a
luxury? If I buy a home I'm putting one
in.
1 2:29 PM - 26 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I must like runners because whenever I
Google girls I like, all I find are race
results.
1 12:08 PM - 27 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I always walk back into the kitchen
moments before the microwave dings.
It's my superpower.
1 1 6:49 PM - 28 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Clothing feels a lot like sandpaper with
a sunburn.
1 1:30 PM - 29 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
The last popcorn pop on the Regal
train always startles me.
2 9:46 AM - 30 Jul 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I can’t believe Gold Bond "medicated
powder" is still sold. Is that for old
people who don't like these
newfangled creams and ointments?
1 6:07 PM - 31 Jul 2012

25. Lucent
@Lucent
I remember the number value of the TV
volume setting I prefer so I can
determine if I'm slowly going deaf.
1 12:54 PM - 1 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It starts out as a game, but after the
first clawing, getting your feet out of
the covers with the cat watching
becomes serious business.
1 10:12 AM - 2 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I wonder how many suicidal people are
only sticking around for upcoming
episodes of their favorite TV shows.
1 10:34 AM - 3 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Sunburns help my complexion
because my face is too burned to pick
at and scratch.
1 2:44 PM - 4 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I recover from a nightmare by
remembering it and realizing it's not
real--it didn't happen. If I don't
remember it, how can I recover?
1 11:33 AM - 5 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I avoid stopping under bridges at traffic
lights so I don't lose satellite radio
reception.
1 6:40 PM - 6 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When I was a kid I was thrilled to ride
in the back seat with a girl I liked. The
faster we went, the more sharp turns
squeezed us together.
1 7:59 PM - 7 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Sometimes I'll quickly end a
conversation with someone I like
because dragging it out only gives me
more opportunity to screw up.
1 10:48 AM - 8 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I opened the hood of my first car
thinking, "I'll learn what's inside and
how to fix it" only to find a single
sealed shiny Japanese thing.
1 7:58 PM - 9 Aug 2012

26. Lucent
@Lucent
Whenever I see a beautiful woman
smoking, I can't help but think, "How
hard can your life be, looking that
good, that you need to smoke?"
1 11:19 AM - 10 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm not impressed with made up lyrics
to "Call Me Maybe." It's crazy and
maybe that rhyme, so you can put in
any non-rhyming words yourself.
1 11:10 AM - 11 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Hope it was worth saving that 2%
merchant fee to lose me as a
customer. If you don't take credit, I'm
buying elsewhere.
1 10:22 AM - 12 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
My preferred shower towel fell on the
floor. Now I have to use a different one
until it's washed. It's more unpleasant
than it sounds.
1 10:23 AM - 13 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When I wake up naturally, the day is on
my terms. I would never voluntarily
choose to wake up to a buzzing noise.
Someone's making me.
1 10:37 AM - 14 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Driving around town with the previous
generation is annoying because they
can't shut up about how "all this used
to be farmland."
1 11:35 AM - 15 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm not one to delete numbers from my
phone. Enemies' numbers are the
most important to have, so their calls
aren't accidentally answered.
1 1 10:43 AM - 16 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It would've been far less suspenseful if
dying in The Matrix meant they just
had to take the brain spike out, blow
on it, and put it back in
1 11:07 AM - 17 Aug 2012

27. Lucent
@Lucent
Maid service is one of the few jobs for
which I'd prefer to hire someone
mentally ill. Obsessive-compulsive,
ideally.
2 1:55 PM - 18 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I like how if I take a girl to the
symphony, I get credit for composing
the music. I'm just a jerk who walked
into a room at the right time.
1 2:37 PM - 19 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When hearing a story involving a
death, I always ask how they died. It's
selfish, but I want to make sure I’m not
doing anything they did.
1 2:30 PM - 20 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Today an unrecognized number called
and didn't leave a message. I couldn't
handle the suspense of not knowing
who or why and called back.
1 6:33 PM - 21 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Whenever I pull a muscle in my neck,
I'm reminded of how operating a head
is a lot like operating a crane. There is
some finesse required.
1 11:34 AM - 22 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I get my hair cut every 6 weeks.
However, if there's an event coming up
or I'm meeting a model, I've been
known to move it up to 5 weeks.
1 11:52 AM - 23 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Furniture stores are one of the few
businesses that are actually proud to
file bankruptcy.
1 4:18 PM - 24 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Even though it's the less masculine
position, I prefer to be the bottom arms
in a hug.
1 11:25 AM - 25 Aug 2012

28. Lucent
@Lucent
Whenever I see people laughing in my
rear-view mirror, I always worry it's
somehow at my expense.
1 1:03 PM - 26 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I remember a distinct jumping phase in
my childhood when the temptation to
jump down a flight of stairs or over a
couch was overwhelming.
1 12:02 PM - 27 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Not knowing much history makes
documentaries a lot more suspenseful.
"Will it be Dewey or Truman? I can’t
wait to find out!"
1 10:24 AM - 28 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
The constant panic of refueling and
spending of time in Timberlake's "In
Time" reminds me of my relationship
with charging my cell phone.
1 10:35 AM - 29 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I know the branding department did a
good job when I can tell the company
from the font alone and no other hints.
1 11:06 AM - 30 Aug 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Only after I strip off my sheets to do
wash do I get the urge to take a nap. I
want what I can't have.
1 2:14 PM - 31 Aug 2012

29. Lucent
@Lucent
I now know enough people that I have
to look decent every time I go out
because I'm probably going to run into
someone.
1 1 1:00 PM - 1 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If a girl with glasses likes me, I worry
she doesn't know how I really look.
Who isn't more attractive blurry?
1 12:34 PM - 2 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I know babies cry a lot, but when I see
a baby crying in a movie, it disturbs me
to know that they may have "made" it
cry.
1 8:52 PM - 3 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I am now slim enough that people can
safely accuse me of pigging out at a
meal without committing a faux pas.
1 6:10 PM - 4 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When I move my hands while talking, I
forget that you can’t see the graphs
and shapes I imagine filling the air
around my fingers.
1 3:16 PM - 5 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I wish watermelon juice existed. Surely
that burst of flavor when biting into an
especially red piece can be captured in
juice form.
1 4:49 PM - 6 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't like going to restaurants, on
vacation, or really anywhere alone. I
need a sidekick.
2 3:26 PM - 7 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I never found the whole Geico
caveman thing funny in the least.
1 6:33 PM - 8 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I change channels forever in bed only
to roll over and fall asleep the second
I've picked out a watchable TV show.
1 1:58 PM - 9 Sep 2012

30. Lucent
@Lucent
After waking, it takes me too long to
realize dreams didn't happen. "How
did I get back from Mars? I don’t
remember the space shuttle ride."
1 4:02 PM - 10 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It seems the shaving cream can has an
infinite supply if you're willing to wait. It
just comes out infinitely slowly toward
the end.
1 11:06 PM - 11 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
At birthday parties, I have a pre-
candle-blowing powwow with the
birthday person to coach them on
blowing air rather than spit at the cake.
1 4:25 PM - 12 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't use a phone case because it
negates literally millions of dollars of
engineering spent making the phone
as thin as it is.
1 12:05 PM - 13 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
One of the only reasons I can think of
for having a house is so neighbors
can't judge me for listening to the
same song four times in a row.
1 1 7:34 PM - 14 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I know something is really good when
instead of being impressed, I wonder
why it wasn't invented before.
1 7:55 PM - 15 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Whenever I have to yell to someone far
away, everyone but that person hears
me.
1 1 4:16 PM - 16 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When I see a bug crawling on the wall,
I should go after it, but instead I usually
just slide my bed a little farther away
from the wall.
1 2:04 PM - 17 Sep 2012

31. Lucent
@Lucent
When local news shows us a web site,
I like to peek at the top of the browser
instead to see their other tabs and
bookmarks.
2 8:08 PM - 18 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I find it tedious when the main
character has to be convinced to do
something required for there to be a
show. Just take the case, Mr. Monk!
1 1:57 PM - 19 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Once I think I hear my phone ring in the
shower, the whole remainder of the
shower is nothing but phantom phone
rings.
1 12:48 PM - 20 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
A good way to freak me out would be
to say that forgetting whether you've
washed your hair in the shower is a
sign of losing one's mind.
1 3:51 PM - 21 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I didn't appreciate the power of peer
pressure until I was forced to eat a fork
tine by 3 girls. No one stuck up for my
right to not eat it.
2 3 11:05 AM - 22 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I wish a social norm existed saying 5
years after a friend/relationship ends,
you’re expected to be truthful about
what went wrong if asked.
1 12:55 PM - 23 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I can't help but lose all respect for
someone who hasn't noticed that
double clicking is excessive when
following links on the Internet.
1 3:17 PM - 24 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm glad bugs don't have internal
skeletons. It would be a lot creepier to
find a tiny row of ribs and pelvis where
one died.
1 4:33 PM - 25 Sep 2012

32. Lucent
@Lucent
I want to learn braille so I can read
what elevator and office signs are really
saying. They never have enough letters
for the actual text.
1 12:47 PM - 26 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Having a convertible is
acknowledgement that humans are no
different from dogs and just want to
stick their head out the window on a
drive.
1 12:43 PM - 27 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It worries me that my enemies are
probably just as motivated by "Lose
Yourself" as I am. It would worry me
even more if I played sports.
1 7:31 PM - 28 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
As a kid, I couldn't understand why
wrapping pipe cleaners around the
pipes under the sink and rubbing
wouldn't magically clean them.
1 6:02 PM - 29 Sep 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm not sure why, but I want to go to
the weddings I'm not invited to and
don't want to go to the ones I am
invited to.
1 11:25 AM - 30 Sep 2012

33. Lucent
@Lucent
If you find your hottest Facebook
friend, then find her hottest friend in
her group pictures, and so on, soon
you'll want to kill yourself.
2 4:15 PM - 1 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
The expiration year on batteries always
seems so far in the future. Then the
next time you look at them it's passed.
1 4:31 PM - 2 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It takes me out of the moment when
movie/TV characters wear glasses I
can tell are fake because reflections
reveal they have no curvature.
1 3:31 PM - 3 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm worried that I don't like Zooey
Deschanel despite her boyvoice, but
because of it. Also, Vi Hart.
1 5:55 PM - 4 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I've discovered that rubbing eyes to
remove debris doesn't work well. The
eye already has a refined debris
removal system known as blinking.
1 3:53 PM - 5 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I think I've washed my hands well, then
find cheese or ketchup on the back of
my fingers.
1 8:19 PM - 6 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I always find things in my jacket
pockets on the first cold day of the
season. A whole year can make even
an old movie stub a neat find.
1 8:19 PM - 7 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I didn't think it was possible, but
seeing my car driven by the bowl cut
Korean in "Gangnam Style" somehow
makes it seem cooler.
1 1:05 PM - 8 Oct 2012

34. Lucent
@Lucent
For some reason, I like to burn my
current favorite songs to a CD, take
them out to the car, and then skip over
half the songs I just chose.
1 6:10 PM - 9 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I just realized I can now go to Urban
Dictionary and look up all those terms
the cool kids wouldn't tell me the
meaning of in high school.
1 3:01 PM - 10 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I always appreciate a movie or TV
scene shot at sunset. It's such a short
amount of time to work with.
2 6:47 PM - 11 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
The nods and expressions exchanged
after each movie preview in the theater
can reveal a lot about a couple's
compatibility.
1 3:38 PM - 12 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't like wearing anything long
sleeved because I spend the whole
time making sure the end of the
sleeves aren't rotated wrong.
1 5:43 PM - 13 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If I think about where my feet go too
much while climbing stairs, I'll get
tripped up.
1 6:31 PM - 14 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When trimming nails, if I find at least 8
clippings, I consider that a cleanup
victory. My bare feet will later find the
rest later.
1 1:59 PM - 15 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Remember how easily our parents
were fooled by jerk friends greeting
them politely? "He's such a nice boy!"
Wait, why did I have jerks over?
1 2:16 PM - 16 Oct 2012

35. Lucent
@Lucent
I'm just waiting for someone at Barnes
& Noble to fuss at me for talking in the
coffee area. It's a store, not a library,
cheapos.
1 2 2:15 PM - 17 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Asking me to guess what time it is in
an attempt to shame me for sleeping in
does not work. You will not get the
desired reaction.
1 11:29 AM - 18 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I usually like browsing the odd items
that aren't a store's speciality. If I'm
made to go to T.J.Maxx, I'll browse the
odd foreign foods.
1 2:28 PM - 19 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm a lot more comfortable looking at
and holding eye contact with people
around me in public when I'm on the
phone.
1 5:41 PM - 20 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I've always found birthdays to be very
pretentious. We're all, "Look at me, I
was born!"
1 2:17 PM - 21 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I buy all my pants, but shirts are a
different story. They're all freebies from
one source or another.
1 2:23 PM - 22 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Not only was I afraid of the sound of
fireworks as a kid, but the popping
open of a biscuit can. No way of
knowing exactly when it happens.
1 11:15 AM - 23 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
"If you weren't dating me, would you
date her?" was apparently not
supposed to be answered honestly.
1 11:54 AM - 24 Oct 2012

36. Lucent
@Lucent
All the tricks I used as a kid to delay
and avoid showers have come back to
haunt me as an adult. To this day, I put
them off for no reason.
1 4:44 PM - 25 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When dealing with telemarketers
violating the do not call list, I have a
different voice and name I use,
Detective John Dandell.
1 9:34 PM - 26 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
One of the most frustrating feelings is
knowing my package is just a mile
away at a UPS center and there's no
way I can get it.
1 5:45 PM - 27 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Nothing makes me more inclined to
laugh in a situation than knowing
laughing will get me in trouble.
2 1 5:39 PM - 28 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It is now cold enough that I use only
the hot knob when starting my
showers. I don't mix in anything at all
from the cold knob.
1 2:07 PM - 29 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Bragging about being a "PhD
candidate" in an e-mail signature looks
pathetic since even "US presidential
candidate" isn't signatureworthy.
1 10:51 PM - 30 Oct 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I pretend to be annoyed when kids try
to climb on me, but secretly I'm
excited to be chosen as the fun adult.
1 2:18 PM - 31 Oct 2012

37. Lucent
@Lucent
One of the most underrated feelings is
the satisfaction of knowing that things
would be worse off if you weren't
there, doing what you do.
1 1 10:20 PM - 1 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It's absolute misery listening to each
photo's story as someone shows you
their photo album, unless I'm
controlling the page turning speed.
1 4:45 PM - 2 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I thought I outsmarted YouTube's
stuttering by pausing immediately and
waiting, but now they've outsmarted
me by not buffering when paused.
1 1:43 PM - 3 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm not sure why the first cell and car
phone covers were poorly-fitted
leather bags with Velcro, but I'm glad
we've moved away from that.
1 3:12 PM - 4 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If I ever have a mug shot, I'm going to
smile widely so whoever looks me up
will think, "He looks like a nice boy.
Maybe he's innocent."
1 1:16 PM - 5 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I wish they'd show the floor after Jay
Leno is done with Headlines. I want to
see the mess of cards after he's
thrown them all down there.
1 11:10 AM - 6 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
My philosophy is the opposite of work
hard, play hard. It's more like: work
unenthusiastically, sit around.
1 5:34 PM - 7 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Have teachers considered that gum is
stuck everywhere in classrooms only
because it's banned? Without the ban,
there's no need to hide it.
1 2:30 PM - 8 Nov 2012

38. Lucent
@Lucent
I always find the hotel amenities like
the heated pool and hot tub just as I'm
checking out.
1 3:25 PM - 9 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
People talk about creativity and
ignoring the Lego instructions, but I've
never seen anyone make anything
other than a house without them.
1 11:57 AM - 10 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Someone tried to make me feel bad for
knowing the T-Mobile girl's name.
Doesn't everyone Google every cute
commercial and TV show girl?
1 5:27 PM - 11 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If I'm at someone's house for dinner
and there's a plate on a napkin on
another plate, I know I'll have to use
the forks in the right order.
1 12:07 PM - 12 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't like when restaurant employees
set the thermostat for the whole place
uncomfortably cold because it gets hot
in their work area.
1 8:54 PM - 13 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It's sad watching multi-level marketing
newcomers burn through all their
social capital just to sell some makeup,
soap, and a few handbags.
1 2:56 PM - 14 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
What's nice about the digital age is I
can be a hoarder and no one can tell
by the appearance of my home.
1 3:04 PM - 15 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Sometimes I like exercising just for
how good it makes water taste.
1 3:49 PM - 16 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Someday I'll have enough discipline to
make my popcorn and candy last
beyond the movie previews.
1 11:37 AM - 17 Nov 2012

39. Lucent
@Lucent
I feel like I can predict who's going to
date before they make it official from
their increased Facebook interactions
and shared photos.
1 1:03 PM - 18 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If I'm making salad and a leaf falls
behind the stove, I take consolation
knowing that whatever bug finds it will
receive little nutrition.
1 5:03 PM - 19 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When someone's telling me a story
and pauses to ask if I've heard of
something, I'll just answer yes to
speed them along even if I haven't.
1 5:05 PM - 20 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Sometimes I feel like a cry, but I don't
want to deal with the stuffy nose that
comes along with it, so I cancel the
whole ordeal.
1 6:54 PM - 21 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Old people love clipping things from
the newspaper and giving them out. I
guess that's their generation's version
of sharing links.
1 11:41 AM - 22 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't like when stairs are too narrow
because then I have to gallop down
them sideways like a horse.
1 1:53 PM - 23 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Maybe it's because I've had the same
number and address book since 1997,
but I always feel bad when I text
someone and get, "Who's this?"
1 12:57 PM - 24 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
The only purpose of junk mail is to let
me know today's mail has arrived so I
can stop repeatedly checking it.
1 12:25 PM - 25 Nov 2012

40. Lucent
@Lucent
Whenever I have to use the bath towel
to dry my face, I hope I'm not using the
part I used to dry, say, my feet. Or
something worse.
1 3:48 PM - 26 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I think get over a crush after only
seeing her in photos for months, but
the next time I see her she looks like I
remember and I relapse.
1 11:17 AM - 27 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When you gloat about graduating high
school before I was born, I'm not
impressed. I just wonder why you
haven't done more with your life.
1 3:33 PM - 28 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Sometimes the only reason I want to
see a movie is because the song used
in the trailer is so awesome it clouds
my judgment.
1 10:43 AM - 29 Nov 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't wear pants in my home. In fact,
that's how I determine if a place is my
home. If I have to wear pants, it's not.
1 10:55 AM - 30 Nov 2012

41. Lucent
@Lucent
What is up with the floor in the
Bearden Kroger? Is that place just
carved out of a mountain?
1 12:21 PM - 1 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I wouldn't say I'm a liar, but depending
on who I'm telling a story, the same
facts may be offered with a totally
different interpretation.
1 2:38 PM - 2 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It feels odd asking, but whenever
someone's telling me a story, I need to
know what the characters involved
look like.
1 4:25 PM - 3 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
You can tell how unhealthy a
relationship was by how many likes the
"went from being in a relationship to
single" status change gets.
2 11:09 AM - 4 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I was very disappointed when I learned
canopy beds were more of a girl thing.
They just seem so cool.
1 11:41 AM - 5 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I spent half an hour on the phone with
Comcast to get $30 back. It's not so
much that I want the money; I just
don't want them to have it.
1 10:52 AM - 6 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If I somehow end up in two separate
texting threads with one person, I'll try
my hardest to merge them by replying
to both in one message.
1 11:09 AM - 7 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Whenever I hear about crop circles, I'm
always puzzled as to why no one's
upset about the destruction of crops.
1 12:30 PM - 8 Dec 2012

42. Lucent
@Lucent
I think I'm subconsciously buying
foods my girlfriend dislikes so they
won't get eaten.
7:29 PM - 9 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I like rainy days because then I don't
feel bad about doing nothing all day.
It's not like I'm wasting a nice day
indoors.
1 5:17 PM - 10 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
As a child of divorce, Mrs. Doubtfire hit
a little too close to home for me to fully
enjoy.
1 1 6:08 PM - 11 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When did it become socially
acceptable to allow your dog to
assault passers-by? If I want to be
licked and climbed on, I’ll get my own
dog.
1 6:05 PM - 12 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Every nonfiction book I read is such a
life changer that I'm afraid to start
reading a new one.
1 11:37 AM - 13 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't care for the special features or
extended cuts of movies. Stuff is cut
out for a reason, and behind the
scenes clips ruin the magic.
1 2:43 PM - 14 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
If I ever need dental work it'll give me
PTSD. I already have nightmares and
flashbacks of sounds and sensations
I've never ever experienced
1 2:02 PM - 15 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
For once in my life, I want to see the
news interview a killer's neighbor and
hear, "Yeah, he was evil. I totally saw it
coming."
2 1:35 PM - 16 Dec 2012

43. Lucent
@Lucent
The only dreams I remember are short
clips of realistic situations that confuse
me the next day as to whether they
really happened or not.
1 12:03 PM - 17 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I get more Christmas cards from
companies I've done business with
than individuals.
1 11:09 AM - 18 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Those "you can steal others' gifts"
holiday parties seem to serve no other
purpose than to create animosity
among people you barely know.
1 11:25 AM - 19 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Everyone who zooms to the end of a
closing lane to jump in front, causing
the traffic jam they wish to avoid
should be summarily executed.
1 11:45 AM - 20 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
It isn't fraud that worries me when
losing a credit card, but having to re-
setup autopay for all my monthly bills.
1 5:38 PM - 21 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I give many reasons for my hate of
Wal-Mart, but what keeps me from
shopping there is the exit receipt
checkers treating me like a criminal.
1 5:17 PM - 22 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm surprised my chin isn't always
bruised with how many times the
phone slips out of my hands in bed
and whacks me in the face.
1 1:02 PM - 23 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I only do the daily Tweet thing to stay
fresh in the mind of someone I rarely
see. If reading this gave you a tingle,
it's probably you.
1 9:44 PM - 24 Dec 2012

44. Lucent
@Lucent
I wonder how many kids kept their
families from enjoying a fire last night
because they didn't want to scorch
Santa.
1 11:07 AM - 25 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I suspect dieting is harder than quitting
smoking. You can't quit food cold
turkey. You have to find the magic
amount between none and fat.
1 5:35 PM - 26 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
I find you can only help so much by
being nice. People are put off if they
know you know you're helping. That's
why I pretend to be a jerk.
1 12:10 PM - 27 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
That terrifying feeling of already
committing to sitting down while
simultaneously not being sure the rolly
chair is beneath you.
1 4:36 PM - 28 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
Whenever I needed an easy A and
couldn't come up with anything, I
wrote about how hard it was to be a
teacher. They ate that up.
1 2:35 PM - 29 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When cooking for others, if I feel a
sneeze coming, I'll move into their view
first so they don't have to wonder if it
went in their food.
1 12:50 PM - 30 Dec 2012
Lucent
@Lucent
When I find a years-old post online
exactly describing my symptoms, I
wish I could contact the person just to
ask if they're still alive.
1 2:17 PM - 31 Dec 2012

45. Lucent
@Lucent
The flip side of being able to be excited
about things as rare as winning the
lottery is we can also be anxious about
things just as rare.
1:21 PM - 1 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
A 365 daily quotes tear off calendar?
More like 365 sheets of tear off booger
paper.
12:18 PM - 2 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It's funny how quickly people pretend
there's no movie camera around, as if
they're showing off their ability to be
compliant movie extras.
10:15 AM - 3 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
How is it chocolate chips in cookies
survive a 400 degree oven journey and
then melt as soon as they're touched
by human hands?
5:47 PM - 4 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
People choose passwords that are
intimate, personal. They say, "If you
can guess it, you know me well
enough to deserve the secrets herein."
2:47 PM - 5 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
When I hear a doctor is "great," I
wonder if the person telling me realizes
friendliness has no bearing on a
doctor's skill or expertise.
12:22 PM - 6 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Now that everyone knows those
"employees must wash hands" signs
are more for us than them, they seem
more unsettling than comforting.
5:02 PM - 7 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
When I see people holding up signs at
a concert all I can think about are all
the people behind them who can't see.
5:24 PM - 8 Jan 2013

46. Lucent
@Lucent
Time after being out of cell phone
reception before I start to worry a loved
one has died and I can't be reached:
30 minutes.
10:55 AM - 9 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
"Wow, that was a huge pothole. I'll
have to remember never to change
lanes exactly there… I'll never
remember that."
2:59 PM - 10 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I got a foot scrubber for my shower
floor but it's too tickly to use.
1:57 PM - 11 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
When I'm writing my e-mail address on
paper for someone, I write the
lowercase a's in computer font.
11:49 AM - 12 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I love when there's a single warm
summer night in winter. It reminds me
of the past summer and teases me
about the one coming.
9:14 PM - 13 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I feel like a rebel when I skip past the
empty cordons guiding a line to be
wavy.
3:15 PM - 14 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I think the reason I avoid umbrellas is
the memory of them pulling my hair out
if they get too close to my head.
11:40 AM - 15 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Every so often, my heart makes a
gurgling sensation, and in that
moment, I'm absolutely certain I'm
going to die.
1:26 PM - 16 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I hate running out of milk just when a
snowstorm is predicted, because then
I must become one of the very people I
make fun of.
11:29 AM - 17 Jan 2013

47. Lucent
@Lucent
It's amazing how oblivious I was to
how many dishes I was dirtying until I
had to wash them myself.
1:13 PM - 18 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The only fight-or-flight, life or death
moments I experience are when the
trash settles and it sounds like an
intruder's sneaking around.
11:10 AM - 19 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
After eating, my tongue ferrets around
each of my teeth removing food
particles for quite a while, possibly
making me look a little crazy.
11:11 AM - 20 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
That feeling of disappointment when a
second person walks in the theater
after thinking I was getting a private
viewing.
1 1:05 PM - 21 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I always use too much shampoo in the
first shower after a haircut. I haven't yet
adjusted to how little hair I have.
1 10:16 AM - 22 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If these UT crime alert texts are quick
enough, maybe we could use them to
become the neighborhood
superheroes.
10:02 AM - 23 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Protein bars are the only thing I've
found, that after opening the box, are
labeled for individual resale.
12:09 PM - 24 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm thinking of a clever way to ask my
parents if they remember a famous ice
storm here decades ago since I was
born exactly 9 months later.
3:38 PM - 25 Jan 2013

48. Lucent
@Lucent
One of the perks of being on a trip
elsewhere is getting to leave my keys
behind. It makes me feel especially
unencumbered.
12:48 PM - 26 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
When couch computing, just sneaking
the non-mousing arm under the
blanket dramatically increases my
warmth.
11:19 AM - 27 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
What bothers me about losing a paper
I'm writing isn't the lost time but
knowing there were great sentences I'll
never be able to recreate.
11:42 AM - 28 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I like when people don't watch the
same shows as me so I can recycle
their jokes and pass them off as my
own.
10:08 AM - 29 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I wish there was a universal signal for
"It's raining turn your lights on." I've
tried both the duckbill and jazz hands
with little success.
1 3:26 PM - 30 Jan 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Childhood scolding has made me so
averse to keeping things under my bed
that I feel I'm now neglecting its
potential as a storage space.
11:27 AM - 31 Jan 2013

49. Lucent
@Lucent
I hate being given a mason jar to drink
out of at someone's home. The screw-
top grooves can't really be cleaned as
thoroughly as I'd like.
2:58 PM - 1 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Now that I think about it, it seems fishy
that the rent for February is the same
price as every other month.
1 1 5:55 PM - 2 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Saying news is "fair and balanced" is
like saying an online college is "real." It
takes away more credibility than it
adds.
1 1:27 PM - 3 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
You know someone's made an impact
on your life when you consider naming
a kid after them.
2 12:09 PM - 4 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The first time something is stolen and
you report it to the police, you expect
fingerprinting, interrogations. It doesn't
happen.
1 9:18 PM - 5 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If I feel my lip touch the spout of a
public water fountain, I just try to leave
my body.
1 2 5:17 PM - 6 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If you add "for party rocking" to the
end of an apology, it somehow seems
less genuine.
1 11:16 AM - 7 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If after a routine support call, I fantasize
about the downfall of your company
and plot to destroy it entirely, you're
doing it wrong.
1 12:00 PM - 8 Feb 2013

50. Lucent
@Lucent
A general crazy girl warning would be
nice, but I'd settle for an alarm that
warned me if she mentally combined
her first name with my last.
1 10:49 AM - 9 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I find closed captions to be addictive. If
I turn them on for a short time, I
become dependent and need them on
all the time.
1 11:46 AM - 10 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I find it odd that everyone on TV can
sing. Not because they need to, but
because they had to beat someone
who couldn't for the spot.
1 11:23 AM - 11 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
What I find coolest about the Mission
Impossible Tom Cruise is how
nonchalantly he milks those 5 seconds
before the briefing self-destructs.
1 11:02 AM - 12 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I know a warm seat is a warm seat, but
my emotions range from comforted to
weirded out depending on who did the
warming.
1 12:44 PM - 13 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I found a way to foil those girls who flirt
until you show interest and then go
cold. I never show interest and let
them exhaust themselves.
1 12:21 PM - 14 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If you dare mention having bought a
sonic toothbrush, others will not
hesitate in making sure you know
they've had theirs longer.
2 2:25 PM - 15 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
When driving, I so rarely see someone
correctly turn into the closer lane that I
feel a deep bond with anyone else who
does it.
1 11:41 AM - 16 Feb 2013

51. Lucent
@Lucent
I hate when a swinging door doesn't
indicate which side to push. To avoid
the shame of guessing wrong, I just
push the middle really hard.
1 1:35 PM - 17 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I tell people the TV tray in the
bathroom is for shower accessories.
It's not. It's for a laptop.
1 4:07 PM - 18 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Sometimes I'm thankful my clothing
drawers are so disorganized. I thought
I was out of socks until I struck a vein
of them under the shirts.
1 11:15 AM - 19 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I've never accidentally gone into a
women's bathroom, but I still do a
triple take at the word and symbol to
make sure I'm choosing wisely.
3 11:29 AM - 20 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Can it get worse than looking up
someone on Facebook you'll meet and
then later showing them your phone
only to have their profile still up?
1 12:21 PM - 21 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I would wash my face more often, but
it's so hard to get the suds out of my
eyebrows.
1 3:29 PM - 22 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't know why I try to skip days
shaving. It doesn't save time. It just
takes twice as long to shave the next
day.
1 11:39 AM - 23 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It was nice growing up without social
media because even though I wasn't
popular, I also didn't know about all the
parties I was missing.
1 3:20 PM - 24 Feb 2013

52. Lucent
@Lucent
Why are people respected for sticking
to their principles even when wrong? If
you're often wrong, you should be
more compromising, not less.
1 12:16 PM - 25 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
With a good support network, you can
get through anything, as long as what
you're getting through doesn't betray
those people.
1 1:40 PM - 26 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I know it's been a stressful day when I
actually lie face up on the dirty shower
floor to relax.
1 11:11 AM - 27 Feb 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm not sure when I started taking
allergy pills year round…for seasonal
allergies, but I don't like it.
1 1:18 PM - 28 Feb 2013

53. Lucent
@Lucent
I'm sorry, I'd like to do something
today, but now that I realize I've lost
my wallet, I'm too crippled by anxiety
to enjoy anything.
1 1:15 PM - 1 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't understand why a chin driven
into the back feels so much different
than a finger or even elbow.
1 1:06 PM - 2 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
People always manage to turn down
the car radio to say something right
when my favorite song is on, and it's
never that important.
1 11:37 AM - 3 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It's hard differentiating your parents'
dreams for you from yours, harder if
they started so early you can't tell
they're not your dreams.
1 11:55 AM - 4 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I've yet to read a local news story
where the article's comments didn't
call for the death of some party
mentioned in the story.
1 11:23 AM - 5 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm not sure if I'm getting taller every
day or my rear view mirror just keeps
sagging down after I adjust it.
1 1:18 PM - 6 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I hate when the shower water doesn't
get hot enough for me to coast off its
warmth until I get in bed.
1 11:34 AM - 7 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The balance beam in gymnastics
strikes me as so sexist, men can't even
watch it without cringing, much less
participate.
1 10:58 AM - 8 Mar 2013

54. Lucent
@Lucent
I'm annoyed people on judge shows
suddenly can't tell a simple story
without peppering their speech with
"at which point" and "proceeded to"
1 12:58 PM - 9 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If you're going to encourage a dieter to
eat, you might as well go ahead and
encourage an alcoholic to drink, too.
1 2:21 PM - 10 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It's not that I'm stingy, I don't like
sharing food because I've already
prepared myself to eat that much and
less would be disappointing.
1 11:49 AM - 11 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't know who mister in-between is
or what he represents, but thanks to
Mad About You's frequent warnings, I
will be avoiding him.
1 11:15 AM - 12 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Despite my old age, to this day, my
desire to go outside is still almost
entirely determined by how clear I think
my complexion is that day.
1 1:39 PM - 13 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I remember hating that one person for
being so widely liked. Now I want to
become the person a few people hate
for being universally liked.
1 11:32 AM - 14 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Before, I had to wonder if a girl was too
good for me. Now, I can just look her
up on Facebook to see if her boyfriend
is cuter than me.
1 3:25 PM - 15 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
You know you're waiting for an
important e-mail when you comb
through the spam folder like someone
lost an earring.
1 1 10:50 AM - 16 Mar 2013

55. Lucent
@Lucent
I hate being the second one to walk to
the table in a restaurant. Now I have to
face away from the action and be
snuck up on all night.
1 10:25 AM - 17 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I wish putting in a movie randomly
selected a possible ending, so I would
be justified in worrying they wouldn't
make it out this time.
1 10:33 AM - 18 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Thanks to careful tracking, I have
completely eliminated the joy of being
surprised by an unexpected package
from my life.
1 11:04 AM - 19 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
My version of "disaster prepping" is
charging my phone if a thunderstorm is
coming.
1 1:37 PM - 20 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It's hard for me to enjoy the local news
because I get anxious waiting for them
to trip over their words.
1 2:01 PM - 21 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I start out eating 1 or 2 popcorn
kernels at a time, but halfway through
the bag, I'm cramming in a dozen at
once to maximize the flavor.
1 2 1:39 PM - 22 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If someone asks me my astrological
sign, I'll pretend not to know to deter
them from thinking this conversation
can go anywhere.
1 11:28 AM - 23 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If you get tinted windows, admit that
you've entirely dropped out of traffic
socialization and stop trying to give
hand signals I can't see.
1 11:24 AM - 24 Mar 2013

56. Lucent
@Lucent
That horrible feeling of being asked
what was said right after you fake
laughed pretending to have heard it.
1 10:18 AM - 25 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The shower drain is blocked. I guess I'll
just spend the entire shower kicking
the hairs away instead of picking them
up like I should.
1 11:10 AM - 26 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Tom Bergeron strikes me as what old
people think young people think a cool
old person is like.
1 5:20 PM - 27 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The one chivalrous thing I do for my
girlfriend is walk on her left at the mall
to shield her from the kiosk hustlers
and grifters.
1 12:28 PM - 28 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
At the start of a move, I'm extra careful
about furniture touching the ground.
By the end, I'm dragging mattresses
through wet grass.
2:48 PM - 29 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If I'm meeting someone new and can't
get their name right, on the third try I'll
give up and repeat what they said in
their own inflection.
10:48 AM - 30 Mar 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I know a nap was too long if I wake up
wondering what day it is.
1 11:53 AM - 31 Mar 2013

57. Lucent
@Lucent
That awkward moment when running
into someone in public a second time
after just having a forced chat and firm
goodbye.
1 11:22 AM - 1 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm going to start calling dusk skyfall
just because it sounds cooler. "At
skyfall, we will go get tacos."
3 11:16 AM - 2 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I know the words ascending and
descending, but it's easier to just click
both until I see what I want rather than
figure it out by thinking.
1 11:57 AM - 3 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Why can't I get ice cream when it's
cold outside without shame? I don't
eat it because it's a coolant; I eat it
because it's delicious.
1 1 12:24 PM - 4 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It's hard not to go full middle school
when a friend says someone talked
about me. "What were her exact
words?"
1 2:10 PM - 5 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
How come I can tell exactly how many
hours of sleep I got just from how
yucky my eyes feel when I wake up?
1 7:19 AM - 6 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It's amazing how much I can be
psyched out just by someone else
asking, "Does she have a crush on
you?"
1 12:11 PM - 7 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I know there's nothing wrong with
them, but I don't feel right eating the
Siamese strawberries.
1 10:55 AM - 8 Apr 2013

58. Lucent
@Lucent
Whenever I forget my credit card or
sunglasses at a restaurant, I'm very
glad I tipped.
1 11:09 AM - 9 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Whenever someone says "snap back
to reality" in any context, my
imagination continues, "oh, there goes
gravity!"
2 11:14 AM - 10 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Companies could cut down on
complaints if they shipped things in
order of who most frequently reloads
the order status page.
1 11:12 AM - 11 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I hate it when I point my head a little
too far up in the shower and
accidentally waterboard myself.
1 1:36 PM - 12 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
We must all have the same poor
brushing technique because it seems
everyone has that same yellow corner
canine.
1 2:34 PM - 13 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Who are these people who can walk
around the house while brushing? I
look like I have rabies.
1 11:52 AM - 14 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I find talking about cancer in terms of
battle, winning, and losing as archaic
and offensive as saying someone is
confined to a wheelchair.
1 11:12 AM - 15 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm tired of your logic puzzles,
spammers. "Please uncheck the
checked boxes for subscriptions you
no longer wish to unsubscribe from."
1 11:15 AM - 16 Apr 2013

59. Lucent
@Lucent
If my search history is ever on trial, I
hope I remember to tell them there was
a news story related to "ricin
poisoning" when I searched.
1 11:59 AM - 17 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If I'm mugged on the walk home from
this run I hope I just give up my wallet,
rather than fight like the runner's high
is encouraging me to.
1 11:24 AM - 18 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
All this practice condensing thoughts
to one hundred forty characters has
really honed my skill at leaving
detailed, scathing eBay feedback.
1 1:10 PM - 19 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It's amazing how finding a hair in your
mouth can bring a stop to any activity,
and I do mean any activity.
2 1 12:30 PM - 20 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm careful when buying a pinstripe suit
because once the pinstripes get too far
apart, it can only be worn by preachers
and evangelists.
2 12:33 PM - 21 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Opaque shower curtains are stupid. I
need light to see what's going on in the
shower or it’s like a one player game of
7 minutes in heaven.
1 11:49 AM - 22 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I find blurring out babies' genitals on
American's Funniest Home Videos
much creepier than not blurring them
out.
1 11:33 AM - 23 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I sleep such unusual hours that my
best chat friends end up being people
in other time zones.
1 11:30 AM - 24 Apr 2013

60. Lucent
@Lucent
After looking through dozens of your
Facebook photos, I have no idea what
you look like, but I know exactly what
your baby looks like.
1 10:50 AM - 25 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I won’t squish bugs. Not out of
sympathy but because I don’t want to
see what’s inside of them.
2 12:30 PM - 26 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Sinus sickness hydration is an art. If I
drink too little water, my nose dries out.
Drink too much and it has too much
fuel to make mucus.
1 12:14 PM - 27 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
One of the funnest parts of travel
preparation is picking out the miniature
toiletries from the miniatures aisle at
Target.
1 11:52 AM - 28 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I really should just turn the lights on
instead of spending those two
dangerous minutes feeling around for
the outlet in the dark.
1 11:26 AM - 29 Apr 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Answering no to "Can you keep a
secret?" never seems to slow the
momentum of the secret-teller.
1 10:59 AM - 30 Apr 2013

61. Lucent
@Lucent
If you're an app developer, clear out
the notifications before taking a
screenshot. Lack of attention to detail
does not inspire confidence.
2 12:46 PM - 1 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It wasn't worth it to install that one
app. Now everything's shifted over and
I can't find anything anymore.
1 12:02 PM - 2 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Sometimes I contemplate exactly how
drunk I would need to get to do well
being interviewed on TV.
1 2:04 PM - 3 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I changed what I wanted to say after I
snapped the picture for SnapChat, and
now my facial expression doesn't
match the caption.
1 11:48 AM - 4 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
How long I stay up is directly
proportional to how badly I want to
avoid the hassle of my nightly routine.
1 11:36 AM - 5 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
That awkward moment when a casual
"that's why I love you" slips out in the
first few months of a relationship.
1 10:59 AM - 6 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
To get back at those who irritate me by
pronouncing picture as "pitcher," I'm
going to pronounce wolf as "woof"
every chance I get.
2 11:29 AM - 7 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The scariest thing about the threat of
being licked is I can actually hear the
sounds of a tongue coming toward me
once it leaves the mouth.
1 10:38 AM - 8 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I try to relax when vacuuming, but
there's a certain panic and urgency as
soon as a vacuum cleaner is switched
on and I don't know why.
1 12:15 PM - 9 May 2013

62. Lucent
@Lucent
If you hide when something’s wrong by
saying it's nothing, you can't complain
that I’m asking what’s wrong too much
when things seem off.
2 8:12 AM - 10 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Often I think a movie was great just
because I saw it in the theater, and
then think back weeks later and realize
it was quite mediocre.
1 11:34 AM - 11 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Thinking back, all those fights for the
check I witnessed among family were
bragging and status displays, not
generosity competitions.
2 10:55 AM - 12 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
When assuming a fighting pose, I
bounce around like the Mortal Kombat
animation loop. Surely that helps or
they wouldn't do it.
1 10:26 AM - 13 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I get the impression that most people
are aware of where north is at all times.
I am not one of those people.
1 11:25 AM - 14 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I felt something crawling on me. Now I
have to claw and smack at various
phantom sensations until I forget it
happened.
2 10:55 AM - 15 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Exercise with friends usually just turns
into an unspoken competition of who
can breathe the least heavily.
2 11:33 AM - 16 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
My last name is unusual enough that
I'll just make one up for takeout orders
or restaurant seating. The trick is
remembering that name.
1 1:09 PM - 17 May 2013

63. Lucent
@Lucent
I hear about whitewater rafting like it's
a causal thing, but from the videos I
see, not everyone makes it back.
1 12:32 PM - 18 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I can't convince the previous
generation that sealed tubs for cereal
and bag clips for chips are
unnecessary. Foods have
preservatives now.
2 12:14 PM - 19 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
People so often lie about having
enough legroom in the back seat that
it's socially acceptable to reach back
there and feel for their knees.
1 12:14 PM - 20 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I sent texts to two people and didn't
get any replies an hour later. The
network must be down.
1 11:15 AM - 21 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It sounds conceited, but I don't bother
playing the lottery unless the payout is
at least half a billion dollars.
1 11:14 AM - 22 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If you were actually important, you
could ignore that call. That you have to
take it means your obligations are
more important than you are.
2 11:52 AM - 23 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The best way I've found never to get
stuck at red lights is to need a chance
to reply to a text.
1 11:34 AM - 24 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
You don't have to slow down. That cop
car on the other side of the interstate
can't jump the four-foot concrete
barrier and chase you.
1 11:53 AM - 25 May 2013

64. Lucent
@Lucent
I've yet to encounter a time when "you
didn’t give me a chance to answer"
didn't actually mean "you didn’t give
me time to make up a lie."
2 10:42 AM - 26 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
After driving with that watermelon in
the trunk, I'm not even worried about
the hamburger buns. They're long
dead. I'm worried about my car.
1 11:31 AM - 27 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm especially annoyed that despite
being given liquids for five hours, my
guest did not once even see the
bathroom I cleaned for hours.
1 11:15 AM - 28 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Either someone's in this bathroom or I
didn't turn the handle far enough. I'll
wait a minute and try again so they
think it's someone else.
1 10:31 AM - 29 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
When someone adds "you don’t know
him" in reference to a character in their
story, it always irks me, even if I really
don't know him.
1 12:02 PM - 30 May 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Birthday wrapping paper covers a lot
since most holidays are birthdays in
disguise. Happy birthday America,
happy birthday Jesus, and so on.
2 4:05 PM - 31 May 2013

65. Lucent
@Lucent
Wake up early to do outdoor activities
in order to avoid the midday heat? The
cure sounds worse than the disease.
1 8:35 AM - 1 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Those green interstate signs would
look a lot nicer if they'd trim off the
extra green corners beyond the
rounded white border.
1 11:46 AM - 2 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
New friend request! Maybe that cute
girl I met looked me up and was bold
enough to add me. Nope, another jerk
from high school.
1 8:34 AM - 3 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Someone needs to tell advertisers that
things being handmade is a turnoff to
my generation. I want machine made.
1 8:09 AM - 4 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If the GPS is going to talk over the best
parts of my songs, I'd rather just be
lost.
1 9:55 AM - 5 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I miss the time before channel guides
and the thrill of seeing a studio logo
and wondering if an awesome movie
was about to come on TV.
1 8:01 AM - 6 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I used to hold my breath when entering
public restrooms to avoid the smell,
but now it's more a game to see if I
can hold it until I leave.
1 1:24 PM - 7 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
When carving into a tub of butter, I
always aim for the region yet
untouched by another's knife.
1 10:07 AM - 8 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I never really noticed how ensoulment
is baked into everyday language.
When someone dies, we don't say
Mark was found, we say Mark's body.
1 12:39 PM - 9 Jun 2013

66. Lucent
@Lucent
I know these pants are too tight
because taking the keys out of my
pocket gives me a meaningful amount
of wiggle room.
3 5:20 PM - 10 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Apparently there's a facial expression
for "I can't hear you" because when I
can't hear someone they always figure
it out and speak up.
1 6:19 PM - 11 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I am now confident enough in myself
not to feel the need to claim I shower
and brush more times per day than I
actually do.
1 11:54 AM - 12 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I get a warm fuzzy feeling when
someone nearby at Starbucks leaves
their keys and phone for a moment. I
must look somewhat trustworthy.
1 12:26 PM - 13 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm sure polarized sunglasses have
some practical purpose, but I just like
how deep blue they make the sky look.
1 4:09 PM - 14 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
For something that can be replaced
with $10 and a 5 minute trip to
Walgreen's, I sure stress about
packing all my toiletries for a trip.
1 11:53 AM - 15 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I always have a voice in my head that's
perfectly reasonable, calm, and lucid
offering advice and analysis no matter
how smashed I get.
1 3:08 PM - 16 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Whoa, is that blood in the sink from
brushing? Never mind, just
remembered I ate chocolate an hour
ago.
1 8:17 AM - 17 Jun 2013

67. Lucent
@Lucent
It's not that a piece of chocolate spoils
my appetite. I'm still hungry, but
anything other than more chocolate
will taste like cardboard.
1 8:09 AM - 18 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I can turn a can of mixed nuts into a
can of peanuts in a matter of hours.
Cashews are the first to go.
1 9:56 AM - 19 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I know when to use who and whom
but avoid the latter when speaking to
avoid being considered snobby.
1 9:53 AM - 20 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't like knowing who I'm dating
would ever consider dating someone
other than me.
1 8:21 AM - 21 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It worries me that I have to remind
myself if the phone starts to slide off
my leg while driving, don't swerve the
car to keep it balanced.
1 10:02 AM - 22 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I hate knowing the plot of a TV show is
constrained by certain villains not
being allowed to die because they're
main characters.
1 10:24 AM - 23 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
There's no need to filter what I see,
Facebook. I have plenty of free time to
view everything all my friends post.
1 9:32 AM - 24 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
When in a hotel bed, every itch or
crawling sensation causes me to throw
off the blankets and make sure it's not
a bug.
1 10:33 AM - 25 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Despite having lived here a decade, I
still haven't learned which light switch
goes to which light and have to flip
every one every time.
1 9:10 AM - 26 Jun 2013

68. Lucent
@Lucent
I know summer has started when I
stand in front of the air conditioning to
dry off after a shower instead of using
old fashioned towels.
1 10:15 AM - 27 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
While in Savannah, I learned that like
Muslims, Girl Scouts must visit the
birthplace of their founder once in their
life.
1 9:17 AM - 28 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
What does it mean for our
compatibility if we both like Ellie
Goulding, but we totally disagree on
which of her songs we like?
1 12:06 PM - 29 Jun 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The channel numbers now go so high
that I'll have to spend more time telling
my parents the cable box is showing
the channel, not the time.
2 11:13 AM - 30 Jun 2013

69. Lucent
@Lucent
That terrifying feeling of looking at a
sleeping person in the dark and
hallucinating that their eyes are open,
staring back at you.
1 7:51 AM - 1 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't feel bad at all for peeking at
others' food as it's delivered if your
restaurant doesn't have pictures on the
menu.
1 8:22 AM - 2 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
As an adult, I now know they're Nilla
wafers and manila envelopes, but I
keep saying vanilla for both anyway.
2 10:58 AM - 3 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Dear GPS, so long as there are no
turns, I could not care less if the road
I'm driving on changes names.
1 10:07 AM - 4 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Two people I know look alike, but
they’re not equally good looking, so I
can only tell one of them because the
other will be insulted.
1 10:39 AM - 5 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't mind if someone gets my name
wrong as long as the person I'm
mistaken for is better looking.
2 10:59 AM - 6 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
No, of course I don’t have any kids! Oh
wait, I'm now old enough for that to be
a valid question. Disturbing.
1 2 11:21 AM - 7 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The way things are going, I expect my
neighbors to totally run out of fireworks
right about July 3, 2014. Then I
assume I'll get some peace.
1 2 8:15 AM - 8 Jul 2013

70. Lucent
@Lucent
I’m afraid everyone I meet can tell how
far I’ll go in life by looking at me but
won't say, the way I think I can tell that
about others.
1 8:24 AM - 9 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
My fantasy that I could be an actor is
not reconcilable with my inability to
come up with more than three facial
expressions for SnapChat.
1 11:17 AM - 10 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm sure this pizza delivery driver will
be both cautious and patient, said no
one ever.
1 1 11:00 AM - 11 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm not sure why it's the radio shows in
the morning that are all talk based.
That's the time of day I least want to
hear inane babble.
3 8:57 AM - 12 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
This is her first time at my place. A joke
about not being a murderer could put
her at ease or really freak her out. Do I
take the risk?
1 11:02 AM - 13 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I feel dumb when I don't catch
something until the second or third
viewing of a movie. Surely everyone
else noticed that on the first watch.
1 1 10:58 AM - 14 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I hope people see me as the magician I
think I am when I remotely pop my
trunk just as I walk up to it with
groceries.
2 2 8:11 AM - 15 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
"Let's try selling it as an allergy pill."
"But it's just a sleeping pill." "They
can't sneeze if they're asleep."
–Benadryl marketing team.
3 8:14 AM - 16 Jul 2013

71. Lucent
@Lucent
I don't think I could recognize Lady
Gaga in person.
1 10:34 AM - 17 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Q: How do you know if someone is
from Franklin or Brentwood?
A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.
1 1 10:03 AM - 18 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Just because I had a dream about you
doesn't mean I'm in love with you. I
am, of course, but that has nothing to
do with the dream.
1 11:13 AM - 19 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It's time we started calling reality TV
stars what they really are, game show
contestants.
2 10:36 AM - 20 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Watching the Scholars' Bowl on PBS is
a no-win situation. Even if I get the
answers right, I'm still a loser for
beating kids.
2 9:49 AM - 21 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If I were an evil genius trying to ruin a
social networking site, my plan would
just be to help parents sign up for it
and add their kids.
1 8:00 AM - 22 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
A good door-to-door business would
be selling those sticks you turn to open
and close venetian blinds. I'm forever
twisting that metal hook.
1 7:53 AM - 23 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
This guy either just rejected my
handshake or has poor peripheral
vision. Either way, he is now dead to
me.
2 11:01 AM - 24 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
You won't hear me curse often. Not
because I'm opposed to it, but so
when you finally hear it, it'll be
shocking enough to mean something.
4 10:24 AM - 25 Jul 2013

72. Lucent
@Lucent
I'm going to have my kid watch The
Matrix early on so he'll see the fetus
field scene and not want to know more
about how babies are made.
2 11:10 AM - 26 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Someone's reading the same page
with me. To avoid embarrassment, I
have to switch to fast reading mode
where I only understand about half.
1 9:43 AM - 27 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
All these people telling me to sell my
treadmill remind me that others can
spot when I've quit something better
than I can.
1 11:22 AM - 28 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The only reason my generation seems
better with computers may be that the
previous is afraid of clicking around to
figure things out.
2 7:58 AM - 29 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Time to unfollow people until I have
more followers than I'm following to
help myself esteem. I'll claim it's for
"cleanup" purposes.
1 8:30 AM - 30 Jul 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I wonder if the mall got rid of its tile
floor because too many kids were
injured trying not to step on the dark
squares.
1 9:46 AM - 31 Jul 2013

73. Lucent
@Lucent
The veterinarian's office is a strange
place. I wouldn't trust a human
hospital that also offered haircuts and
manicures with its surgeries.
1 9:35 AM - 1 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Sometimes I want to favorite an
especially bold or meaningful post, but
worry I don't know the person well
enough to get away with it.
1 7:49 AM - 2 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I wondered how my bed kept getting
made when I didn't remember doing it.
Turns out that's my nervous pacing
activity while on the phone.
1 10:22 AM - 3 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I spend a lot of time trying to
differentiate people having a bad day
from the permanent jerks so I can save
my meanness for the latter.
2 10:48 AM - 4 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Alright, someone fatter than me by the
pool just took their shirt off. Guess I will
too, then.
1 10:33 AM - 5 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm not an especially daring, risk-taking
type of person, until it comes to
moving food around with my fingers in
a hot frying pan.
2 5:09 PM - 6 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It's not that I want a waterproof phone.
I just want a phone that doesn't seek
out and leap into any water it can find.
1 9:11 AM - 7 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If someone pauses when asked if
they're single, they're really saying,
"I'm not, but I can be if you want me to
be."
1 1 10:16 AM - 8 Aug 2013

74. Lucent
@Lucent
Netflix automatically plays the next
episode of a series? That's as
dangerous as a bartender who just
brings another drink without asking.
2 8:56 AM - 9 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Coliseum is one of those words that
looks like it's spelled wrong even when
it's spelled right.
1 6:15 AM - 10 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I figure out how much sleep I got by
looking at how many hours ago the
last tweet I remember was.
1 9:47 AM - 11 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
That awkward moment when "real"
slips out instead of biological when
referring to non-adopted children.
1 9:14 AM - 12 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Quit showing aliens as culturally
intolerant savages. They figured out
interstellar travel but get offended by
the wrong kind of handshake?
2 10:57 AM - 13 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I get so turned off when sci-fi aliens
wax about the resilience of the human
spirit. Have you met us? We go
suicidal if a show is cancelled.
1 2 11:09 AM - 14 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Sometimes the victims in horror
movies scream so much that I lose
sympathy for them.
1 10:23 AM - 15 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
That slurping sound wasn't me rudely
trying to get the waitress to refill my
glass. I just didn’t realize how little was
left.
1 8:20 AM - 16 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
A friend blabbed to my mom that I
wasn’t feeling well. Now I have to
endure questioning and torture greater
than the original malady.
3 10:23 AM - 17 Aug 2013

75. Lucent
@Lucent
I remember being way too impressed
with myself as a kid for having different
personalities around different people.
1 11:04 AM - 18 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I’m happy to serve on a jury because I
hope if I were charged with a crime,
those who judged me weren't bitter
that they had to be there.
1 8:03 AM - 19 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Eventually one of my older Facebook
friends is going to share an article
that's not completely false. I think 2013
is the year it'll happen.
2 11:05 AM - 20 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't know you, but we've added
each other on every other social
network, so what's one more?
1 9:53 AM - 21 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
My hobby: provoking new
acquaintances into mentioning me in a
post online and then stalking them to
find out what they said about me.
2 11:10 AM - 22 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
My method of ironing clothes is to lock
them in the bathroom with me while I
shower and let the steam do its thing.
2 8:37 AM - 23 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Sadly my excuses for talking to girls
are so good they don't realize I like
them. "That wasn't flirting. He just had
an important question."
2 10:53 AM - 24 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
As much as I dislike my speaking
voice, what I really hate is my
shouting-over-music voice. That must
sound awful.
2 1:10 PM - 25 Aug 2013

76. Lucent
@Lucent
I'm not trying to evade your question. I
just really can't tell if I like a song until
I've heard it a few times.
1 11:20 AM - 26 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Sorry I ignored your shouts of "hey" on
the street. To save embarrassment, I
just assume those are all beginnings of
cell phone calls.
1 4:11 PM - 27 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
That tingle you get when a girl dances
really, really well for just one second
after she spent half an hour claiming
she can't dance.
1 1:51 PM - 28 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I leave Children's Hospital brochures
and magazines lying visible in my car
to deter the more ethical thieves.
1 12:15 PM - 29 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The only reason I clean the microwave
tray is so I can safely enjoy burned
cheese that drips down there.
1 1:22 PM - 30 Aug 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Yes, I'm carrying laundry, but I'm not
going to the laundry room floor. I'm
going to the floor that takes me out the
door to my mom's.
1 9:16 AM - 31 Aug 2013

77. Lucent
@Lucent
Everyone at this party has already
formed their groups. Now to practice
the fine art of standing here and
looking like it doesn't bother me.
2 9:48 AM - 1 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
You might be getting old if you see an
item in an antique store and say, "I
have one of those. It still works great!"
1 11:01 AM - 2 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I know I've gone too far out in the
country when I'm genuinely afraid for
my life to turn around in someone's
driveway.
1 10:57 AM - 3 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Don't act like you don't know you're
good looking. Girls narrate your
actions right in front of you. "He just
said hi to me!"
1 10:15 AM - 4 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
You know an elevator is crowded when
you catch yourself dividing the weight
limit by the number of people onboard.
1 10:29 AM - 5 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I can't shake the feeling that everyone
gets better battery life than me and I'm
just one odd setting or app removal
away from lasting days.
2 1:26 PM - 6 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I'm pretty sure that even if I weren't
colorblind, I still wouldn't understand
what it meant for clothing colors to
"match."
1 10:39 AM - 7 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If lawyers are such experts at
performing for a crowd and public
speaking, how come they make the
worst, phoniest commercials?
2 11:35 AM - 8 Sep 2013

78. Lucent
@Lucent
I don't consider myself gifted at
understanding lyrics, but when I look
up ones I can't understand, they
somehow get more wrong than I do.
1 10:30 AM - 9 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Please, no sudden moves. I'm using a
Q-tip in a way not advised by the
directions.
2 12:50 PM - 10 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If they made chocolate-flavored
toothpaste, I'd either like toothpaste
more or chocolate less. Both seem like
clear health victories.
1 9:19 AM - 11 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I bet I can cut my own hair with just a
mirror. OK, the first four snips got
nothing but air. That may be a bad
sign.
1 10:53 AM - 12 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Now they're just a brown chewy goo,
but I wonder if when they were
invented, Tootsie Rolls were supposed
to be a cheap chocolate substitute.
1 4:41 PM - 13 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I know a meal was good when I have
phantom flavor flashbacks of it days
later.
2 1:02 PM - 14 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
At this point, I no longer consider the
radio versions of Taylor Swift and Bon
Jovi songs the originals. I consider
them the non-goat mixes.
2 11:22 AM - 15 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Beware the man who must pay for
movers, for he does not have good
friendships.
1 12:35 PM - 16 Sep 2013

79. Lucent
@Lucent
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate being
liked by the good people, but I
consider being disliked by the bad
people just as great an honor.
1 1 11:06 AM - 17 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
That first time you watch Tosh.0 with
someone and they talk over all his
jokes, not yet realizing he's actually
pretty funny.
1 11:51 AM - 18 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I may be in the minority on this, but
when renting a car or ordering food, I
consider getting "more for my money"
a downgrade, not upgrade.
1 10:52 AM - 19 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
That time I tricked my foreign relatives
into thinking I could rap by reciting the
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.
3 2:13 PM - 20 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Credit scores are like a very slow-
paced, high-stakes video game for
adults.
1 11:22 AM - 21 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Now I have to rewind yet again
because I keep forgetting I can't look
away from subtitled movies and just
listen to the dialogue.
1 11:23 AM - 22 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Cartoons have misled me about how
much of an apple is edible.
1 1:07 PM - 23 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
It's unsettling to know that if you meet
two or more girls, they've already
silently communicated to each other
what they think of you.
1 10:18 AM - 24 Sep 2013

80. Lucent
@Lucent
I want to date you because that’s the
only way we'll be intimate enough for
me to squeeze all those distracting
blackheads out of your nose.
1 10:17 AM - 25 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I don't need to carry around my music
collection any more than I need to
carry around every book I own. I only
listen to the newest 3 songs.
1 3:27 PM - 26 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
As we walk out: "You're not going to
lock your door?" Well, now that you
announced it's unlocked to the entire
hallway, I guess I have to.
1 1 1:20 PM - 27 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Paperless billing? You mean I get to
save your company money while also
having less evidence to use against
you in a billing dispute? Nope.
2 2 4:42 PM - 28 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Ducking while walking in front of my TV
watching path is a nice symbolic
gesture, but let's be real, you're not
low enough to actually help.
1 11:52 AM - 29 Sep 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
At the rate we're going, the valuable
antiques we pass down to our children
may be unlimited mobile data plans.
1 1 12:18 PM - 30 Sep 2013

81. Lucent
@Lucent
I don't consider soup to be a food. It's
the water that real food has been in.
1 10:44 AM - 1 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
No, you can't use that ringtone. It's
mine. I had it first and we're around
each other too much.
1 11:58 AM - 2 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Have more people died from having
weak, TV-style CPR done on them or
have more been saved because the
person only learned about CPR from
TV?
1 12:16 PM - 3 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I like seeing panic in the eyes of
newscasters as their interviewee goes
over the allotted time and leaving no
room to be interrupted.
1 2:00 PM - 4 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I never liked coloring as an elementary
schooler, but I could cut the lines right
down the middle.
1 11:59 AM - 5 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I can't stand seeing kids drag a pillow
through a dirty airport. If my pillow
touches the floor for even a second,
it's getting a new case.
1 12:31 PM - 6 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I want to pull a reverse catfish. I'll make
someone fall in love with me online
using bad photos and then show up all
hot.
1 11:26 AM - 7 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Sometimes I'm so anxious for a future
event that anywhere I see a future
date, like a movie trailer, I think, "By
then, I'll know for sure!"
1 11:20 AM - 8 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Sadly, with the constant stream of
tagged photos on Facebook, you can't
surprise people you haven't seen in
years with your weight loss.
1 4:54 PM - 9 Oct 2013

82. Lucent
@Lucent
You think sending back dirty silverware
at a restaurant is awkward? Try having
to do it at someone's home.
1 12:00 PM - 10 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
The main reason I want more Twitter
followers is so companies will worry
about their reputation when I complain
and quickly resolve it.
1 1:34 PM - 11 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I’m not sure what city- and nation-
state mean other than "country" but I
still toss those terms into historical
discussion to sound learned.
1 12:30 PM - 12 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
I only think about others' birthdays on
their actual day, but I sort of expect
everyone to prepare and talk about
mine for the entire month.
1 11:18 AM - 13 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
If customer service ignores polite
requests but gives in when people get
angry and yell, they are the one
requiring people to yell at them.
1 11:50 AM - 14 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Before I die, just once I want to hear a
real estate agent admit it's a bad time
to buy a house.
1 11:22 AM - 15 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
Today I hallucinated that I saw a cyclist
going the correct direction down a
one-way street.
1 2:46 PM - 16 Oct 2013
Lucent
@Lucent
To convince others to turn off their
watch's hourly beep, when I hear it I'll
consistently announce, "There goes
another hour of our life."
1 12:17 PM - 17 Oct 2013