1. 9/18/13
T E A M B U I L D I N G C L A S S 3
WORKING WITH OTHERS

2. EMPATHY
9/18/13
What does empathy look like?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8oJOQMvfZA

3. Empathy
Definition:
Identification with and understanding of another's
situation, feelings, and motives.
Not sympathy. In sympathy there is not necessarily an attempt
to understand.
In certain situations, all you can do is sympathise.

4. Why empathy?
 Expands the scope of understanding for both parties
 Makes it easier to come to a mutually beneficial decision
 Creates a climate of trust.

5. Don't mess it up!
(pitfalls of empathy)
 Doesn't always run both ways.
 Must have clear boundaries. Don't mistake empathy for
emotional dependence, or manipulation. In yourself or
others.
 Requires that you check-in with the other person who may be
unwilling or unable to share their experience.
 You have to know where your ability stops, and respect that
boundary.

6. What are not expressions of empathy
 Platitudes
 Always being 'nice'.
 Saying “OMG that happened to me too. I know exactly how
you feel.” (Do draw on that experience, but it's not a
lookalike contest).
 Becoming emotional in response to the other persons
experience (though you might).
 Trying to find a solution ( though you may have one).
 Giving advice (though you may do that).

7. What is empathy?
 Giving the person time to speak.
 Waiting during a pause.
 Asking for clarification if you need it.
 Listening and trying to put yourself in that situation
 Exercising your non-judgemental frame of reference
 Remembering that not everyone does it your way
 Cross-checking against institutional norms/regulations
instead of using personal bias.

8. Listening and Responding
Misconceptions
"If I say it, the other person will understand."
Not necessarily. Meaning is ascribed by the receiver of a
message, so saying it doesn't mean it will be understood. We
need to check to see if the meaning of our message is understood
as intended.

9. Listening and Responding
Misconceptions
"The more communication, the better!"
If you are feeling misunderstood, talking too much and louder is
a mistake. This can actually exacerbate a situation versus clarify
it. Excessive talking won´t help. Try different ways of expressing
yourself. Knowing when to remain silent is part of
communicating effectively.

10. Listening and Responding
Misconceptions
"Any problem can be solved at any time if we communicate
with each other."
There are times when taking some time away from each other
and the situation can be a better solution than trying to talk it out.
Often high intensity emotions such as anger or sadness can blow
an interaction out of proportion. A few moments of self-reflection
and calm can help you gain perspective on the issue.

11. Listening and Responding
Misconceptions
"Communication is a natural ability – some have it, some don’t."
Communication is not an innate ability. Skillful communication can
be a learned with practice. There are some very simple tips that can
dramatically increase how you understand others and are
understood. Try them out and see for yourself if anything changes.

12. Communicating Effectively
Describe behaviors not personalities.
”Don’t be late to meetings it holds everything up"
versus
”You are always late and it holds everyone else up".

13. Communicating Effectively
Describe your feelings: this is an important part of the message
that often gets skipped even though the emotional content is
directly coloring your message.
It‟s also quite difficult. Do not use the „description‟ of feeling as
an opportunity to „vent‟. Feeling something and unleashing on
others are different things.
For instance, "I am worried that you’re going to miss that deadline.”
Not as difficult for other team member as:
“I’m having a serious anxiety problem right now, because I think this
project is going to go over deadline – because of you.”

14. Communicating Effectively
Maintain congruence between your verbal and non-verbal
messages. Saying,
”This project is really important to the company.."
If you only book a 10 minute meeting, will most likely decrease
trust and close communication down.
Non-verbal cues account for more than 60% of your message.
ALSO:
Put down that phone during meetings.

15. Communicating Effectively
• It takes practice to become an effective communicator.
• When asked to lead a meeting ask your senior staffer to attend
if possible and take notes on your approach and style.
• It might feel risky but each small risk will build your
confidence and increase trust in those you work with.

16. Listening and Responding Tips
• Focus on what is being said – tune out distractions
• Look for non-verbal cues such as eye contact, facial
expressions or body postures
• Listening is about the other, not you. Try to refrain from
forming your response before you have even heard what the
other is saying

17. Listening and Responding Tips
• Clarify and ask pointed questions to help you understand
what is being said
• Paraphrase: restate in your own words, what the person
says, feels and means
• Try to understand the message from the sender´s perspective:
"So if I understand you..”

18. Listening and Responding
(in class exercise)
Pick a partner & describe a situation in which you felt
misunderstood.
Describer: Try to describe the situation using non-judgmental
language, and then describe it again using judgmental language.
Which felt more accurate to you and why?
Listener: Try to listen with empathy and without judgment in
both cases.
Did your opinion about the retold events change depending on
which 'version' of the story you heard?

19. Relationships
Feedback

20. 9/18/13
RELATIONSHIPS
FEEDBACK

21. Feedback
Not long ago, a developer approached me for advice about a
problem team member.
The developer reported that one team member was causing
resentment, alienating other team members, and generally
making life difficult for all.
No one wanted to work with him.

22. Feedback
"What is he doing to cause all this?" I asked.
The answer surprised me. "He uses insulting language during
work," the developer said.
“Have you talked to him?” I asked.
"Of course," my developer friend replied. "I talked about the
importance of manners at our team meeting. And I talked about
how we all had to be careful about the words we choose.
"Two minutes later he called Sarah an idiot for forgetting to refill
the coffee maker," he continued. The only thing I can think of is
to start calling him names."

23. Feedback Tips
1. Be direct: If one person is causing the problem – don‟t make it part of
a group discussion.
2. Describe what you have seen and heard.
Stick to the facts of what you have seen and heard. Describe behavior
rather than applying a label. For example, "Yesterday in the office I
heard you call Sara an idiot." rather than "Yesterday you were rude.
3. Give the other person an opportunity to take responsibility and
amend behavior.
4. Listen to their side, and see how it impacts your understanding.
5. Come up with a course of action to address the issue.
6. Explain consequences of non-fulfillment

24. Feedback Tips
Some people advise using this formula to give feedback:
"When you do X, I feel Y."
But this construction implies that one person is the cause of
another's feelings. No one else can make you have feelings.
To remove the implied cause and effect, you might say,
"Don't call Sarah an idiot, name-calling in the workplace is
unacceptable."

25. Feedback Tips
Ask them to explain their side.
Even if the issue is clearly a situation in which your co-worker is
in the wrong hearing their side of the story will help you
understand the circumstance that brought about the issue.
It will also help the co-worker feel heard, and there might be a
missing piece to the puzzle for example: He and Sarah were dating
and just broke up – he would normally never call anyone a name.
Maybe he needs to move to a new department for a brief while?
Knowing both sides will help you to make sure that you are
handling the situation appropriately to the circumstance.

26. Feedback Tips
Make sure there are clear consequences
Explain (briefly) how the behavior you are talking about effects
the workplace. Explaining the impact gives the feedback receiver
information so they can choose what to do with your feedback.
If there's no impact, then a request seems arbitrary. The
conversation could start with "When you call Sarah an idiot you
create a harsh atmosphere and more importantly could be put up
for a performance review.”

27. Feedback Tips
Ask for what you want.
If you have a specific change you'd like to see, make a request.
You can make a request for behavior to stop, start, or change.
For example, "I want you to treat our co-workers with respect and
stop calling people names. If that is not possible given the circumstance
is there a way we can minimize your interaction with Sarah for a brief
period of time?”

28. Feedback
So what happened with the mean heartbroken office worker?
I advised the developer to have a private conversation with the
offending team member. "Explain to him that the workplace
culture doesn't make use of insulting terms," I said. "He may
come from an office with a much more casual and aggressive
environment"
The developer agreed reluctantly, and we worked out a little
script. Here's what he decided to say to his mean colleague:

29. Feedback
"Joe,I want to tell you about something that you do that's a
problem for the team."
[Pause]
"I've noticed that you tend to use insulting language for
mundane issues."
[Pause and wait for a response. This may be all you need to say.]

30. Feedback
"We want the office to be a pleasant workspace for everyone, and
respectful language is a must. So, will you be able to change your
approach to communicating with your teammates when they
drop the ball?"
[Pause and wait for a response. This may do it.]
[If the co-worker is resistant]
"I understand that it is meant in jest, but it affects the office
negatively, even as a joke. If you want we can set up a review
and decide if your performance to date gives you leeway to
behave in a manner that others do not appreciate?"
The next week, he reported back.

31. Feedback
"You'll never guess what happened," he said. ”turns out he and
Sarah broke up a month ago and he‟s been in a mood ever since”.
But it was really awkward," he continued.
"He was embarrassed but he was also grateful I told him. I guess
I shouldn't have waited so long. He‟s going to do a couple of
days work at home, and go to Starbucks for his coffee until he
gets over it."

32. Difficult conversations best
practices:
Preparation: Consider practicing the conversation with someone
you trust who is not directly involved in the situation. Ask them
their advice on your delivery skills and message. This will help
confirm your approach or give you ideas and areas for
improvement.
• If possible, hold difficult conversations in person.
• Prior to and during the conversation create a safe
environment to invite conversation.
• Don‟t have the conversation in front of others who are not
involved in the situation.

33. • Share the reason you are having the conversation and the
issue that concerns you.
• Allow them an opportunity to give feedback to your concerns.
• Do not expect them to agree with you.
• If you are in a position of authority, decide on the outcome
you want before the start of the conversation and do not
• Be prepared to change your mind if new information is
presented.
Difficult conversations best
practices:

34. • Use active listening skills to understand the other person‟s
point-of-view. Paraphrase / summarize the information they
share to make sure you understand their message.
• Help each other problem solve to seek a compromise where
appropriate. Win- win solutions help to build relationships.
• Identify and agree upon action steps and changes that need to
be made. Put this in writing so that both parties have the
information. When something is in writing there should be no
misunderstandings.
Difficult conversations best
practices:

35. Giving good feedback
(In class Exercise)
Groups of 4.
One person draws a house.
The other three people pick a character
Nice but irrelevant
Not nice but relevant
Respectful and relevant.
Give feedback on the house in your 'character'. Think about the
right thing to say, given the quality of information you need
to convey.
Discuss how valuable the feedback received from each
person was.

36. 9/18/13
RELATIONSHIPS
APPRECIATION

37. Show Appreciation
Be Grateful
When you show gratitude, your friends multiply. People have a
basic need to feel appreciated. When you fulfill that need, you
bring great joy and happiness with you. As a result, showing
your appreciation to others draws them closer to you and, in
turn, they‟re more inclined to go out of their way for you.
NOTA BENE: Just dripping gratitude can be a turn off, you have
to remember what people have done and come up with an
appropriate response if it is above and beyond the job decription.

38. Show Appreciation
Be Grateful
• Showing your gratitude brings you more success in both
your personal and professional life.
• Your family ties are strengthened.
• Friends, co-workers, and business associates become very
loyal.
• You will begin to notice the positive more, and the outcome
will be a perceived reduction in the negative*.
• *This is often sadly misconstrued as an increase in the positive
instead of a reframing of your perception of the whole.

39. 9/18/13
RELATIONSHIPS
TRUST

40. Trust
Definition:
Belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or
something.
 Can be internal “self-trust” also called efficacy
 Or external trust in someone else.

41. Trust
Three Constructs of Trust
Tway defines trust as, "the state of readiness for unguarded
interaction with someone or something.” He calls trust a
construct because it is "constructed" of these three components:
 capacity for trusting
 perception of competence
 perception of intentions

42. Trust
Three Constructs of Trust
The capacity for trusting means that your total life experiences
have developed your current capacity and willingness to risk
trusting others.
The perception of competence is made up of your perception of
your ability and the ability of others with whom you work to
perform competently at whatever is needed in your current
situation.
The perception of intentions, as defined by Tway, is your
perception that people are motivated by mutually-serving rather
than self-serving motives.

43. Trust
(Context-Oriented)
At home: Typically the people you share your home with are
family, people you chose or children you made. In a functional
home levels of trust are high.
At work: Unless you are the boss, you have less control over who
you work with, so trust is 'instrumental'. It has currency like
money, the more trustworthy you are, the more responsibility
you can assume, the more power you can gain.
Role-dependent: How much you need to be trusted, or need to
trust others depends on your role. Example: As a boss I need my
staff to trust my judgment, so the level of responsibility is high.
As a lowly junior graphic designer, my workplace klout is
minimal, so if I screw up a job, it doesn't matter as much.