Empathic Parenting - A Skills-Building Workshop Part One of Three

1. EMPATHIC
PARENTING
A Skills-Building Workshop
Part One© 2014 Natasha Ufema, LPC , Family First Counseling Services

2. EMPATHIC PARENTING
All mammals are social
animals (including humans).

3. EMPATHIC PARENTING
All mammals rely on each other to
get their basic needs met. Wolves
hunt in packs. . .

4. EMPATHIC PARENTING
Kittens and puppies rely on their
mothers for protection and
nourishment.

5. EMPATHIC PARENTING
Reptiles (lizards) and amphibians (frogs) are
lower on the food chain because they are
solitary creatures. Mammals have flourished
because there is safety in numbers.

6. EMPATHIC PARENTING
You’re wondering what this
science lesson has to do with
being an effective parent.

7. EMPATHIC PARENTING
Because Mammals (including humans) depend on
others for safety and nourishment, we have
developed ways of communicating these needs to
our caregivers. Our “significant others”.

8. EMPATHIC PARENTING
A baby elephant trapped in a pool
of mud will trumpet for hours until
his mother finds him.

9. EMPATHIC PARENTING
When a human mother hears the cries of
her baby, her breast milk will “let down”
(become immediately available).

10. EMPATHIC PARENTING
Without EMPATHY (“feeling” the needs of our
offspring), Mammals would have never
become the most prolific species on earth.

11. WHAT IS EMPATHY?
You may already have your own definition of
empathy. Lots of people confuse empathy
with SYMPATHY. They are not the same
things.

12. WHAT IS EMPATHY?
The elephant mother AND the human mother
- hearing the desperate cries of their babies -
are reacting in “empathetic” and not
“sympathetic” ways.

13. WHAT IS EMPATHY?
SYMPATHY = Feeling bad
for someone’s unfortunate
plight.
EMPATHY = Truly
understanding how the other
person is feeling.

14. WHAT IS EMPATHY?
Think about a traumatic event in your life.
Perhaps you:
• lost a loved one
• were diagnosed with cancer
• survived an abusive relationship

15. WHAT IS EMPATHY?
When you came into contact with someone
else who experienced the same tragedy, did
you feel sorry for their problem or did you
actually “feel” how that might feel for them?
This is empathy.

16. WHAT IS EMPATHY?
Likewise, when you come into contact with
someone who has had a happy experience (a
mother witnessing her child’s first steps or your
baby-sitter graduating from high-school), you’re
better able to identify with that person’s feelings
because you’ve had them yourself.
This is empathy. You feel the connection.

17. WHAT IS EMPATHY?
You don’t necessarily have had to experience
the same thing as the other person in order
to have empathy. The most important thing is
to try your best to imagine the other person’s
perspective. Imagine what it would be like to
“walk in their shoes”, as the saying goes.

18. WHAT IS EMPATHY?

19. WHAT IS EMPATHY?
It means STEPPING AWAY from
ourselves and STEPPING TOWARD
another person.

20. WHAT IS EMPATHY?
It means putting the other person first,
and truly listening if only for a short
time. This “short time” can be very
powerful.

21. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
Carl Rogers is the “father” of what we
call Person-Centered Therapy. He
believes that we all have the ability to
heal ourselves if we are provided a
supportive, non-judgmental, and
empathic environment.
“Listening” is the most important
technique he uses.
But not the type of “listening” most of
us are accustomed to.

22. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

23. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
Rogers is emphasizing the importance
of learning how to listen
“empathically”.
Empathic listening doesn’t mean
responding with “Uh-huh”.
Empathic listening doesn’t mean that
we’re creating our own response (in
our heads) while the other person is
talking.

24. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

25. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

26. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

27. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
Native American Indians used what they called a
“Talking Stick”. The person holding the stick says his
piece (while others listen and don’t interrupt) and then
the stick is passed along.

28. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN

29. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
Too often, we as parents think our kids “don’t
listen”, when in reality, we are the ones not
listening.

30. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
Over 60% of our communication with others
is accomplished through the use of body
language.
- Posture,
- Eye Contact
- Facial Expression
Would you say the father below is engaged
or disengaged with his son?

31. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
Kids have developed very creative ways to
let us know when we’re NOT listening.
Some of these may sound very familiar:
• A four year-old only “needs you” when
you’re on the telephone,
• You discover your pre-teen is not at the
location they promised to be,
• You find candy or loose change hidden
beneath your eight year-olds’ mattress.
The symptoms are the same. The cause is
NOT LISTENING.

32. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
DOG BITES
What the heck do dog bites have to
do with listening skills?!

33. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
DOG BITES happen
because we weren’t
listening.
Just like kids, dogs communicate
their discomfort in many ways. If
we are not tuned into these
messages, they will turn the
message “up a notch” until we
“hear” it.

34. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
DOG BEHAVIOR: The “whale eye”.
Communicates, I’m tolerating this but I
don’t like it much.

35. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
CHILD BEHAVIOR: “Checking Out”
communicates, I’m tolerating this but I
don’t like it much. (Notice the body
language of both mother and daughter.)

36. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
DOG BEHAVIOR: “Ears back and
Tail Down”. Communicates, I’m
getting close to acting out to
communicate my fear, dislike, or
anxiety.

37. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
CHILD BEHAVIOR: “Digging Heels
In” communicates that you’re making
additional demands when I’m already
agitated – how do you think this is
going to end?

38. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
DOG BEHAVIOR: Growls or Snaps.
Communicates, “I’ve had it. This is
my last warning.”

39. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
CHILD BEHAVIOR: (Similar to the
Dog) Growls or Snaps.
Communicates, “I’ve had it. This is
my last warning.”

40. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
DOG BEHAVIOR: The Bite.
Communicates, “You haven’t listened
to what I’ve been trying to tell you, so
I’ll do this to get your attention.”

41. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
CHILD BEHAVIOR: Emotional
Meltdown. Hitting, biting, kicking,
spitting, throwing things, hurting himself.
Communicates, “You haven’t listened to
what I’ve been trying to tell you, so I’ll
do this to get your attention.”

42. LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN
Truly “listening” to what our kids –
and our dogs – are trying to
communicate can eliminate the
need for them to use more
destructive behaviors to get our
attention.
In the next section, we’ll learn how to
do just that.