Presented as a warm-up session during J and Beyond 2011 conference

2. The Ugly Truth AboutStupid Customers A Scientific Approach

3. Raise Your Hand If You Have Ever Encountered Such A Customer

4. Introductory Remarks

5. Introductory Remarks This Presentation is the Result of years of Scientific Research into the Behavior of the SpeciesHomo Customeris Stupidus Sponsored by the Rl.Ac.f.t.A.o.U.o.S.C.a.t.B.t Conducted by Eminent Specialists in the fields of Psychology, Anthropology, Econometrics and Sociopathic Sciences

6. Introductory Remarks Less Enlightened Pseudo-Scientists have claimed that there is No Such Thing as 'a Stupid Customer ' … For Years, Renowned Scientists have Documented many Observations of this Species in the Wild ! WRONG !

7. However ! While the Customeris Stupidus does in fact Exist, it is a rather Rare and Shy Creature Most Observations have been exposed as cases of Confusion with the Customeris Vulgaris ! Such mis-classification is known to have Desastrous Consequences!

8. What We Shall Present Today A Correction of the hitherto available Classification of the Customeris Stupidus A Proven Approach to avoid the Potentially Lethal Consequences of Exposure to this Species May we ask the Gentlemen in the audience to cover the Eyes of the Ladies when necessary

9. Homo Customeris Frustratus « I Thought You Knew That »

10. Customer: What did you say ? Translate the content myself ? Not automatic, is it ? I thought that was going to be done automatic ally ! Had I know you were incapable of building this I would have gone with Drupal, my friend assured me that his site does all that and more, he doesn't need to bother at all, well, you've really put me in a difficult spot with your Open Source approach, I won't fall for that again ! You: But when I asked you during our first meeting whether you needed a multi-lingual site, why did you say 'No' ?

11. Managing Expectations It has been ProvenbeyondreasonabledoubtthatCustomeris Frustratus does NOT exist Frustratus is often confused with cases of AcuteDisappointment, which can lead to chronic Displeasure The only Approach known to work is Prevention by usingDocumentation

12. Customer: Er … you're right. How stupid of me. You: But why did you not react when we presented our initial analysis document ?

13. Home Customeris Alwaysmohrus* The Ever Expanding Expextation † after Prof.Dr. Ursula.K.Always-Mohr (°1934 – †2009)

14. Customer: So you're saying you think it's Normal that my Site isn't compatible with Explorer XXVI ? The entire 3D-effect is missing, I'ld say that's not the quality you would expect from a professional webdesigner, perhaps I should have worked with another company altogether … You: But how was I to foresee in 2011 what technology would be current 30 years later ?

15. Avoiding 'Scope Creep' Prof. Always-Mohr discovered that in all likelihood, the Alwaysmohrus (also known as Extendum Continuum) became extinct around 1430 Since then, documented sightings have proven to be cases of regular Customeris (Customeris Vulgaris) withincreasedAssertivitylevels In such cases, it is Capital to write down all Promises in a Contract

16. You: But doesn't the contract clearly mentions which browser versions we will test against ? Customer: Er … you're right. How stupid of me.

17. Homo Customeris Reclamatus The Unhappy Customer

18. Customer: You promised me the site would be ready today, I've got a Board meeting in an hour and now I see a missing image, on the home page no less, in the section the Boss wrote himself, I'm making a fool of myself if this comes up on the screen, you bunch of incompetent morons, you'll give me an ulcer, wait till my Legal Department get their hands on you lot, they'll skin you !! You: … (lost for words)

19. Dealing With Reclamatus Demonstration

20. Customer: Er … you're right. How stupid of me. You: I understand this must be very annoying for you, and I'm sorry. Perhaps we can discuss later what can be done to avoid this in the future, but I'll quickly fix the image and make your demo a success. How about that ?

21. Conclusion

22. Remain Vigilant ! Time is Lacking to discuss Customeris Pauperis (who cannot pay you just now) Customeris Amateurus (who ruined the site by upgrading to 1.6) Customeris Ignoramus (who thinks the Facebookfeature set is part of a standard website installation) To Guide you, we've composed a little Song

23. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

24. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer Intro Dear Customer, I love you so, but something I must tell from time to time you turn my life into a bleedin' hell I cannotsleep, I beat my wife and drink until I'm blue But change is in the air tonight and what must change is you

25. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer 1st Verse I'll document precisely what I think you really meant because I'm trying to avoid discussions at the end I'll write it down on paper, for you to read and sign I'll build your site, I'll turn it live and it will be sublime

26. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer Chorus Customers are Stupid, acting like a fool They don't know what they really need, like they never went to school They can be very irritating and so, my Friend, are you so go and mend your silly ways and try to get a clue

27. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer 2nd Verse Everything in life must end, so my fixed price contracts do you'll get what you have ordered, down to the final screw But should you ask for one more thing, as simple as it may I'llwrite up an addendum and tell youwhat to pay

28. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer Chorus Customers are Stupid, some are greedy too They hope they'll never have to pay for the things they make you do Now I don't work for nothing, neverdone and neverwill so be a sport, call your bank and pay the final bill

29. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer 3rd Verse I know that I'm not perfect and there's an error on your screen but what you said about me and that sheep was really mean I'll fix the bug and hope thatthatwill lighten up your mood perhaps you'll quiet down again and stop being so rude

30. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer Chorus Customers are Stupid, angry and irate But all that cursing in my ears doesn't help me concentrate So please stop screaming on the phone and uppercase your mail Leave me be to find the problem that makes your pages fail

31. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer 4th Verse I think you understand by now I've had it up to here you'll have to change your ways a bit, I hope it's crystal clear Should you return tomorrow for another Joomla gig then we will do things my way or I'll gut you like a pig

32. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer Chorus Customers are Stupid, Customers are dumb But maybe if we help them, all these faults are overcome If you set your mind free baby, maybe you'll understand Customers are useful and some are downright grand

33. The Ballad of the Stupid Customer Epilogue To this enlightened audience, there's one thing left to say I'll give you one more golden rule to live by every day Customers are people just like you and me I hope that you will all become a happy family

34. The End paul.delbar@delius.be - @pdelbar