This part explains how to maintain healthy intimate relationships based on the principles outlined in the book "The 7 Levels of Intimacy" by Matthew Kelly.
1. How to Form Healthy Intimate
Relationships
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
2. • Former St. Brigid staff pastoral
counselor from 2004-2006.
• Graduate USD with MA in Pastoral
Care & Counseling (2005).
• Graduate Alliant Int’l University with
MA in Marriage & Family Therapy
(2007).
• Currently working as a mental health
counselor in a local agency and
private practice. Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
3. Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
4. “Intimacy is
The recursive experience…
…of open self-confrontation
(vulnerability)…
…of core aspects of the self…
…in the presence of a partner.”
--David Schnarch
Author of Passionate Marriage
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
5. • Balancing (autonomy)
and (relationship)
creates a constant tension.
• A person over-oriented toward
individuality becomes self-absorbed
and set in their ways.
• A person over-oriented toward
togethernessbecomes dependent on
others for a sense of self.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
6. • The ability to validate one’s own
experience/existence…
• …in the face of pressure from the
other/partner…
• …without cutting off…
• …is called self-validated intimacy.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
7. A healthy relationship is formed when
• two people who each have a healthy
sense of their identity…
• …come together willing to regularly
and openly confront their authentic
self…
• …in the presence of their partner.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
8. • Primary Relationships
Significant Other
Close family members (e.g. children)
“Closest and Best” Friends
God
• Secondary Relationships
Everyone else
Other friends, boss, extended family, family
friends, friends of significant other, the person
you met at the bus stop, etc.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
9. • It has a high priority in your life.
The relationship is “primary” for both of
you.
Both are willing to be completely open
and vulnerable with each other—
comprehensive trust.
Boundaries diminish as you become
closer.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
10. • It has a high priority in your life.
Concerted effort to spend time
together.
No fear of judgment.
Each one strives to help the other be or
become their most authentic self.
The relationship is an end, not a means.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
11. • Growing in closeness not a priority.
• Vulnerability not required.
Safety and security is not that
necessary.
• Time together is nice, but not a
necessity.
• The relationship sometimes serves a
specific purpose.
Relationship is a means, not an Buchmann MA, MFT
Ryan end.
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
12. Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
14. When a person feels “exposed,” what
is the emotion associated with the
experience?
Joy
Sadness
Anger
Fear
Shame
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
15. If my vulnerability causes me to feel
ashamed of myself, I will likely not let
myself be vulnerable again.
How can I create a space where my
partner will not feel ashamed when
vulnerable?
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
16. What causes one to feel shame?
Judgment!
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
17. “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
18. (Uh, what’s “intimacy?”)
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
19. “Intimacy is
The recursive experience…
…of open self-confrontation
(vulnerability)…
…of core aspects of the self…
…in the presence of a partner.”
--David Schnarch
Author of Passionate Marriage
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
20. • State of voluntarily being
exposed.
• Open self-confrontation.
• Involves a risk (judgment,
disagreement, rejection,
separation).
• Most often feels uncomfortable.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
21. Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
22. • Key elements:
Vulnerability
Communication
Openness to confronting the
deepest self in the presence of
your partner….
In the absence of judgment.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
23. Based on the book by Matthew Kelly
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
24. Clichés
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
25. • Casual interactions
• Reveal little about each person
• Rely on fleeting and superficial
exchanges.
• The style of communication is not a
“conversation,” rather it is a
transaction.
Relationships are NOT made up of
transactions.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
26. • Common “cliché” terms
Good
Nice
Interesting
Fine
Okay
Whatever!
Translation: “I disagree with what you’re
saying, and I don’t want to discuss it now.”
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
27. • Advantages
Establishes connection with others.
Enables us to conduct daily affairs.
Great conversation starters.
• Disadvantages
Can become shallow and superficial.
Can be used to keep others at an
emotional distance.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
28. • The best way to move a relationship
beyond the level of clichés?
Carefree
timelessness!
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
29. Facts
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
30. • Focus is on communicating facts
about our lives and our world.
• The facts are mundane, self-evident,
and conflict-avoidant.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
31. • Advantages
Ignites our love for learning and getting
to know another person.
Reawakens our natural yearning for
knowledge.
• Disadvantages
Continued use of facts when revealing
our selves to others leaves the
relationship superficial and stale.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
32. • The best way to move a relationship
beyond the level of facts?
Practice non-
judgment & express
appreciation!
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
33. Opinions
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
34. • Advantages
Initiates a forward step toward
authenticity (self-expression).
Opens an opportunity for genuine
agreement, not just conformity.
Enables the possibility for acceptance
even if the other is not entirely right.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
35. • Disadvantages
People often cannot get past this level
unless they have the other completely
“figured out.”
Arguments often flare up because each
wants the other to believe in the same
way they do (a.k.a. conformity).
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
36. • Opinions are the first step toward
becoming vulnerable with another
person.
• The biggest risk of sharing an opinion
is disagreement.
• The key to this level is acceptance,
not understanding (“figured out”).
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
37. • Acceptance
The ability to respect each other’s opinions
and unconditionally accept the other,
despite the differences of opinion.
Being a benevolent witness of someone’s
journey through life, rather than a
manipulative or dictatorial force in it.
Allows a person to be themselves, not
pushed into someone you want them to be.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
38. • Understanding
A condition of acceptance (“I can’t figure
her out” or “He doesn’t make sense to
me.”)
A need for predictability, to know how
he/she will react in a situation.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
39. • What is it about me that mandates
that I completely understand this
person with respect to this issue?
• What experiences have influenced
and formed my opinions?
• Is my position the absolute truth?
• Is this the hill I want to die on?
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
40. • The best way to move a relationship
beyond the level of opinions?
Find common ground.
Accept one another.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
41. “Tough Love – Episode 1”
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
42. Hopes and Dreams
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
43. • Our hopes, dreams, and goals are a
derivative of our authenticity.
• Inform us of a person’s values.
• The person with whom we will form a
primary relationship will be the one
who will help us fulfill our dreams.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
44. The Kicker:
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
45. • Know what drives those closest to
you.
• Dreams provide a vision of where one
wants to be in life.
• Dreams change constantly. Stay in
touch with your and your partner’s
dreams.
• Write your dreams down!
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
46. Best way to move a relationship
beyond the level of hopes and
dreams?
Delayed
Gratification
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
47. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed
when someone reveals all their hopes
and dreams to you at once!
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
48. “My Cousin Vinny”
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
49. Feelings
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
50. • Emotional reactions to the world
around us.
• The big question:
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
51. • Removing the mask of “having it all
together,” making yourself
vulnerable, and telling your
significant other how you really feel.
• The failure to release stored up
emotions is the core of
psychopathology.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
52. • How do I create an environment that
enables a person to openly express
how they feel?
Unconditional
acceptance
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
53. • Quote of the day:
“Confident that they will not be judged or
criticized but rather accepted for who they are
and where they are on their journey, most
people will open the doors of their hearts.”
Matthew Kelly
“Seven Levels of intimacy”
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
54. • Learn to listen to the other person.
• Make the person feel as if nothing
else existed, except the two of you.
• Ask the question “Why is this person
saying this to me?”
Until you know why, remain silent and
listen.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
55. • “Our journey toward intimacy means
trying to understand why people have
certain feelings and why they react to
certain people and situations as they
do.”
• “We will likely discover these truths
about the people we love
.”
Matthew Kelly
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
56. “About Last Night…”
What are the emotions NOT expressed?
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
57. Faults, Fears, and Failures
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
58. • In Level 5, we make ourselves
vulnerable. In Level 6, we expose
ourselves.
Emotional nakedness
• True advancement in this level is
when you can honestly and humbly
admit to your significant other “I need
help.”
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
59. • Also heard at this level:
“I am afraid.”
“I messed up.”
Ownership of one’s faults, failings, or
mistakes.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
60. • The twisted paradox of vulnerability:
By owning your faults, fears, and
failures, people will accept you
even more.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
61. • People will own their faults, fears, and
failures only in a place of
unconditional acceptance.
• What are you doing to foster an
environment of unconditional
acceptance?
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
62. • The “magic” formula: How to create
an environment of unconditional
acceptance:
You must first accept yourself
unconditionally.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
63. • How do I accept myself unconditionally?
Know your “dark” or “shadow” side
If a person behaves in a way that does not make
sense, it is likely the shadow in action.
Ask your closest friends “What is the gold
you see in me?”
Then ask your family members “What are the
shadows you see in me?”
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
64. “Elizabethtown”
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
65. Legitimate Needs
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
66. • A dynamic collaboration to fulfill the
needs of your significant other.
• Providing needs, not wants.
• At this level, we build a lifestyle that
helps each other be our authentic
selves.
• It’s about revealing MY needs, not
getting my partner to reveal theirs.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
67. • Ask yourself: Is this a need or is this a
want? How does this need enable me
to be my authentic self?
• Relationships are not about getting
what you want. Relationships are about
helping each other become your
authentic self.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
68. • Love
Not a feeling, but an action.
Learning to know our partner’s
legitimate needs and attempting to
proactively fulfill them.
“You should KNOW that about me!”
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
69. • The biggest error of romantic
relationships:
Passing judgment and failing
to accept the other
unconditionally.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
70. • Vulnerability
• Absence of Judgment
• Unconditional Acceptance
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
71. • Identified primary & secondary
relationships.
• Defined and explained vulnerability
• Listed the 7 levels of intimacy
• Described how to move from one
level to the next.
• Saw lots of cool movie clips.
Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern
72. Ryan Buchmann MA, MFT
Pastoral Counselor
Marriage & Family Therapy Intern