New Years Resolutions

1. New Year’s Resolutions You Will Never Keep

2. Quit taking all those Oxys and shopping at the Pathmark

3. Ride in more posses

4. Quit trying to dance away all your problems

5. Have sex with Gizmo

6. Stop chugging everything

7. Wear more robes (flowing or otherwise)

8. Write a pissed off letter to Skittles complaining about the new chocolate ones

9. Quit drawing on the old hairline

10. Wash your feet

11. Go see more fat baby chicken fights

12. Stop wondering what this dog is thinking

13. More Stallowning

14. Dress up like a penis in more parades

15. This year, you’re gonna learn to how to read

16. Finally get a beer with Carlos from Accounts

17. Finally say hi to that prostitute you like

18. Break the curse of the six-fingered baby hand

19. Make good on your promise to rid the world of yoga

20. Work on your graffiti colon

21. Mix baby tigers with baby monkeys EVERY SINGLE DAY

22. Milk more stuff

23. Finally throw away that racist ass “Chinese Firedrill” drawing you did in the 8 th Grade

24. Get Sgt. Slaughter to throw a Cobra Clutch on you

25. Take up whaling

26. Be kind to ugly children

27. Dress more like Prince

28. Get in touch with your inner Omar

29. Disprove God

30. Buy one of those square-headed Asian babies

31. Finally laminate meat

32. Get excited about poetry

33. Teach a spider to smoke

34. Finally measure it once and for all

35. Get one of those Romanian gymnast haircuts

36. Come up with a motto for yourself

37. Get one of those cool pencil sharpeners your uncle used to have

38. Learn to do that thing with the snakes

39. Have a long, long talk with your mailman

40. Light more girl farts

41. Bring back acid wash

42. Stop lying so much

43. Coach a rag tag group of Little Leaguers to an unanticipated championship despite your alcoholism

44. More time in the dune buggy

45. Come to terms with the fact that you hate butterflies

46. Grow the fuck up