Women in the workforce – how to stay professional when things get personal

Women in The Workforce:
How to Stay Professional
When Things Get Personal
Presented by Kathi Elster and Katherine Crowley
www.ksquaredenterprises.com Email: info@ksquaredenterprises.com

With women comprising of the
workforce, it is more likely than ever that…
the average female lawyer, clerk, judge, or
mediator will have female peers, female
bosses, and female employees to manage.

Woman-to-woman relationships are different from man-to-
man relationships and man-to-woman relationships at
work.

OFFER TECHNIQUES FOR BREAKING FREE
FROM POWER STRUGGLES.
Examine the different ways
that women compete with
each other.

Male competition is
usually

Most men are comfortable with aggressive statements
and outright competition
**In fact, men can engage in intense verbal battles, then go out with
each other for a drink afterward!

Women compete differently.
Women are designed to ‘tend and befriend’ their same sex
colleagues.

We have 2 conflicting desires
VS

Covert Competition Examples
3. A female supervisor may harshly criticize
her most capable employee in an attempt
to keep her down.
1. One woman may “accidentally” forget to
invite a female colleague to an important
meeting.
2. A female coworker may spread false
information about her female peers(better
known as gossip) to gain points.

…Or 6 different kinds of “Mean”.

Meanest of the Mean
• Feel they must be mean
to survive.
• View all women as
adversaries.
• Lack Compassion
• Unable to see anybody
else’s point of view
The Ice
Princess who
treats
everyone
with disdain

Very Mean
• Tough on the outside and
insecure on the inside.
• Do and say mean things
whenever they encounter
a woman who threatens
them.
• Quick to feel
jealous, envious and
competitive with another
woman The Vicious
Gossip who
spreads rumors
to make another
woman look bad

Passively Mean
• Any woman who acts
nice but is covertly
competitive.
• Hard to pin down
because she presents
such a friendly veneer.
• Her mean comes out
indirectly through
exclusion, avoidance.
The coworker who
accidentally
excludes you from a
meeting where your
attendance matters

Doesn’t Mean to be Mean
• Extremely self-absorbed.
• Unconscious/Inconsiderat
e behavior strikes other
women as mean.
• Truly oblivious to impact
of their actions.
The coworker
who is
chronically
late, leaving you
in the lurch

Doesn’t Know She’s Mean
• Behave in ways that they
think will improve a
situation.
• Accidentally alienate
women around them.
• Sound quite self-
righteous.
A coworker who
bosses you
around because
she thinks you
need the benefit
of her knowledge

Brings out your mean
• Their neediness brings
out your mean
tendencies
• You find yourself
gossiping about the
person, avoiding her or
making faces when she’s
speaking.
The insecure
coworker who
asks too many
questions, interrup
ting your workflow
and depleting your
energy

HOW DO WE HANDLE THESE DIFFERENT
KINDS OF MEAN GIRL BEHAVIORS?

Women are processors
When something good or bad happens, we talk about it.

If a woman feels attacked by another woman, she
automatically goes through a 3 Step Process:
Step 3
She then describes how she’d like to counter-attack
“I’m never talking to her again.” OR “The next time she
asks for help, she’s out of luck.”
Step 2
She follows the report with how she’s feeling
“I’m so mad I could spit. She humiliated me in front of
everyone
Step 1
She finds an ally and reports (with emotion) what the
attacking woman did
“You’ve got to hear what she just did to me…”

DON’T GO THERE!

The most important thing to
remember when faced with a Mean
Girl of any kind is to refrain from
counter attacking.
No eye
rolling
No
freezing
out
No bad-
mouthin
g
#1

Why Not?
Counter attacking often makes
YOU look like the bad guy
Counter attacking locks you in a
power struggle
Counter attacking doesn’t work

Every woman we spoke to -
and we mean every
woman- expressed remorse
for counter attacking

Find ways to process the negative
impact that a mean girl’s actions
have on you.
Exercise
Trusted
Friend or
Advisor
Inventory
of
situation
#2

Find professional solutions to any
problems you have with a mean girl.
Respond to the other woman’s
behavior in a way that addresses the
work issue but keeps you out of a
personal battle with her.
#3

Let’s examine a few specific
scenarios that involve covert
competition

She puts you down publicly
(Meanest of the mean)
• What She Does
A female colleague says something derogatory
to you in front of your peers.
“Did you take any English courses in college? This
document is a mess.”
“I’d save that outfit for Casual Fridays.”
“Why don’t you talk to the client? You’re good at
pretending you care.”

• How You Feel
Sideswiped and shocked
Unsure what you did to deserve such treatment
Flush of heat
Heart racing
Embarrassed, angry or hurt
Either you shut down or want to fight back

• Don’t Go There!
Don’t react out of anger.
Don’t give yourself a hard time for not speaking
up in the moment
Don’t re-tell the story ad nauseam to anyone
who will listen
Don’t say, “You’re not going to believe what she
said to me...”

• Go Here
Take steps to purge emotional toxins:
• Engage in rigorous exercise
• Get a massage or some other form of self-
care
• Seek counsel from a trusted confidante.

• Going Forward
– Address colleague’s comments without
feeding cattiness
“Did you take any English courses in college?
This document is a mess.”
• Thank you for the feedback. Yes, I did take English
in college and did very well. I’ll make all the
corrections you suggested.

• Going Forward
“I’d save that outfit for Casual Fridays.”
• Thanks for the feedback. It’s important to know
how others perceive me.
“Why don’t you talk to the client? You’re good at
pretending you care.”
• Thank You.

How to take really mean behavior less
personally
• It’s not about you.
• You are not the first person she’s gone after, and
you won’t be the last!
• Find ways to not take her mean words to heart.
Look at the facts:
– Does this woman have a history of conflict with other
women who’ve preceded you?
– Does she have a reputation as ‘someone to avoid’?
– Do you notice other women giving you sympathetic
looks when she attacks you?

She fails to give you
important info
(Passively Mean)
• What She Does
You’re working on a legal brief with another
woman. The boss informs her that the deadline
has been moved up. He asks her to inform you
and she never does. You discover this 10
minutes before an important meeting where that
same boss is expecting to see a final draft.
“Did I remember to tell you that our brief is due
today? I finished my part. Do you have yours?”
“You weren’t around when the boss came by. I tried
to find you. Then it must have slipped my mind”

important information
(Passively Mean)
• How You Feel
Dazed and upset
Set up and furious
Nervous about repercussions

(Passively Mean)
Don’t yell, “How dare you?”
Don’t run to the boss and say “She didn’t tell
me.”
Don’t rant about her to your best friend at work
Don’t act out- throwing things or stomping
around.

(Passively Mean)
• Go Here!
Take responsibility for the fact that you are not
prepared
Refrain from blaming your co-worker
Say to your boss:
“I understand that the deadline was changed and I wasn’t
here for you to inform me.”
“Unfortunately, I found out too late for me to be
prepared.”
“I apologize for the delay, but I can get this to you by the
end of the day.”

(Passively Mean)
• Going Forward
Make the following request to your boss:
“To insure that I know of any changes in the
future, please communicate with me directly. If I’m
not present, I can always be reached by email.”
Don’t count on your colleague to have your
back

Why some women cannot admit
to their bad behavior
• Some women literally are psychologically
incapable of admitting when they’ve done
something wrong.
• What’s going on?
You’re probably bumping against a structural
problem. Her internal hardwiring makes her
incapable of true self-reflection.
She can’t admit to wrongdoing because
psychologically she can’t tolerate the notion of
being at fault.
All women are not designed the same

She bosses you around
(Doesn’t Know She’s Mean)
• What She Does
She tells you to get the coffee for a
meeting, she insists that you photocopy any
documents; she tells you when to go to lunch.
She’ll volunteer your services for the more
menial tasks. She tells you when you should
take your vacation (based on when she wants
to take hers)

• How You Feel
Shocked at her presumed authority
Diminished
Growing to resent her
Having fantasies of revenge

Don’t complain to your boss about her
Don’t expect her to change
Don’t yell at her – telling her she has no right to
tell you what to do

• Go Here
Next time she orders you to photocopy a
document that you both need, say “Sure, I’ll ask
the receptionist to do it if you don’t want to.”
If she tells you when you’re supposed to go to
lunch, say “ Actually, that lunch hour isn’t going
to work today, I need to go at 1:00pm instead.”

• Going Forward
Big challenge with this kind of person: Not to
take her bossiness personally.
Continue to neutralize her demands by telling
her what you will and will not do.
Let her know you want to work with her, but you
don’t work for her

Strike when you’re cooled off – not in
the heat of the moment
• Anger used constructively can serve as your
protection.
• You’ll appear more professional (and be more
powerful) if you speak or write to a woman
who angers you from a position of calmness
and clarity.

Strike when you’re cooled off – not in
the heat of the moment
• Take a slow, deep breath and calmly respond
with neutral statements like “Is that so?”
“Interesting” “Hmmm” or “Let me think about
that.”
• Take time to chill…splash your face with cold
water, exercise, call a friend. Do something to
cool your system down.

5 Rules to Staying Professional
When Things Get Personal.

Rule #1: Don’t Take Her Bait
Getting a reaction from you
gratifies the mean side of her.
Not taking the bait means that
you do not respond emotionally
to her behavior

Rule #2: Don’t engage in negative
speak about her
It’s tempting to want to
badmouth or gossip.
You are fueling the power
struggle between the two of you
and you may end up looking like
the pettier person.

Rule #3: Don’t engage in non-
verbal gestures
Rolling your eyes, turning your
back, whispering to a colleague
when she walks by- these
gestures convey hostility and
indirect aggression.
Make sure you don’t engage in
these or other forms of non-
verbal attacking.

Rule #4: Aim for professional
behavior at all times
Take the High Road.
Acting professional towards all
women in your workplace-
regardless of how you feel
about them- is a key component
of “winning” with mean girls.

Rule #5: Think “friendly” instead of
“friend”
Assuming that every woman
should be your friend is a
common mistake.
Maintain a cordial relationship
with her where you only discuss
the work at hand.

Thank You!
Presented by Kathi Elster and Katherine Crowley
@AskK2
Facebook.com/KSquaredEnterprises

Women in the workforce – how to stay professional when things get personal

Recomendados

Recomendados

Más contenido relacionado

La actualidad más candente

La actualidad más candente (19)

Similar a Women in the workforce – how to stay professional when things get personal

Similar a Women in the workforce – how to stay professional when things get personal (20)

Más de Rocket Matter, LLC

Más de Rocket Matter, LLC (20)

Último

Último (20)

Women in the workforce – how to stay professional when things get personal