13 earthsoft foundation of guidance-assertiveness

Earthsoft Foundation of Guidance
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Index
• Objective • To do
• Behavior skills - Tools, Techniques & TIPS
• Definition • Test your assertiveness
• Types • Practice
• Importance • Demonstration
• Rules • Develop
• Rights & • Quize
responsibilities • Summary

Making earth little softer

Objective
By the end of this course, participants will
• What is assertive behavior
• To distinguish assertive behavior
• To be aware of the situations in which they find
it difficult to be assertive
• To know how to be assertive when making and
dealing with requests
• To have ways of dealing with aggressive
people
• To draw own action plans for developing
greater assertiveness over time

Behavior Skills
• Decision Making
• Assertiveness
• Negotiation skills - Mission Analysis
• Communication
• Leadership
• Attitude - Adaptability/Flexibility
• Problem Solving - Situational Awareness


Behavior Skills
Human factors where errors occur
• Complacency
• Distraction
• Fatigue
• Pressure / Stress
• Norms
• Lack of
• Communication
• Awareness & Knowledge
• Teamwork
• Resources
• Assertiveness

Advocacy
An advocate is someone who is willing to stand
up by own or beside someone in support of
their need / right
An advocate speaks on behalf of: themselves;
another person; or a group
Advocacy Skills
• To defend a right or ask a favor on behalf of
yourself or others using :
• Right language, Right method
• Right time, Right place
• Right person who can respect the right or
grant the favor

Symptoms
Do people take advantage of you often?
Are you “volunteered” to drive?
Do you pay more than your share of expenses?
Do others use your things without asking?
Do you say nothing about such situations?
If this sounds like you need to take a look at
your assertiveness. Why?
Unhappiness, frustration & anger often
accompany a lack of assertiveness. Being
assertive, you can serve better in many
situations : at work, home, with customers,etc

Being Assertive

Adopting a behavior that increases the
likelihood of achieving your goal..While

Preserving your and others rights

Acting ethically


Assertiveness
• Say what you mean, mean what you say!
• It is ability to honestly express your needs,
opinions, feelings, attitudes, beliefs & rights
that is respectful, open, honest, with the
dignity & without violating rights of others.
• It means to be positive and confident, is the
willingness to actively participate, the ability to
state and maintain individual position
• It begins by being aware that you are a worthy
person created by GOD, having very own
unique combination of qualities.

Assertiveness
• It allows to get your point across respectfully &
honestly expressing thoughts & feelings while
commanding dignity & respect from others
• It is observed in your say, behaviors & actions
• Assertive behavior enables a person to act in
their own best interest & advocate for
themselves with confidence, honesty &
comfortably exercising personal rights without
denying the rights of others.
• It is the healthy alternative to both
passiveness and aggressiveness

Assertiveness
Assertive people
• are brave
• respect self and others
• own their own feelings, thoughts, and ideas
• openly and honesty state their feelings
• understand the possible consequences of
assertiveness
• know when and how to be assertive


Assertiveness
• Is not the same as aggressive behavior.
• Aggressive behavior enhances self at the
expense of others.
• Assertiveness produces positive outcomes for
all; aggressive acts result in negative
outcomes.


Attributes of assertiveness
Encompasses Situations Requiring
Assertiveness
•Willingness to make decisions •Pre-Mission Brief
•Demonstrating Initiative •Mission Execution
/Courage to act •Post-Mission Brief
•Maintaining positions until
completely convinced by facts
Behavior
•Provide Relevant information •Maintain Position When
without being asked Challenged
•Make Suggestions, Ask •State Positions on decisions
Questions /procedures
•Confront Ambiguities •Refuse unreasonable request


Attributes of assertiveness
Barriers Overcoming Barriers
•Rank differences •Get attention of
•Position authority receiver
•Lack of experience •Use active verbs
/New to unit •State your concerns
•Coercion •Offer a solution,
•Lack of confidence Recommend action
•Ask for feedback
Rule of Thumb - If a disagreement exists, take the
most conservative action until more information is
available.

What is Assertiveness?
• When you are assertive, generally you don‟t
follow others blindly. You think for yourself. If
someone is trying to hurt you, or lead you into
trouble, or influence you to do something
wrong, you protect yourself.
• You show strength not to let others hurt you or
influence you in negative ways.
• Assertiveness is expressing your own ideas,
opinions, concerns & talents. You serve the
world in your own special way correctly using
the gift you have!

Types
• Passive means letting people violate your
rights and not doing anything about it.
• Aggressive means getting what you want while
violating the rights of others.
• Assertive means standing up for yourself
without violating the rights of others.
Assertiveness is more mature, effective &
powerful tool


Passive
• Try to avoid conflict & confrontation
• Hide personal needs
• May get easily hurt leading to frustration
• Allow people to push when you do not stand up
• Others likely to take advantage
• Would rather ignore their own needs & feelings
than confront a problem in relationships.
• Want peace at any price, often pay the price
• These people, too, have problems with anger.
They are afraid of it and eliciting the other
person‟s anger. Sometimes, however follow
subtle ways of retaliating of making others “pay”.

Aggressive
• Makes sure everyone knows his opinions, often
does not allow others to voice their opinions
• Accomplish short term goals intimidating others
• Let others feel anger & hostility toward aggressor
• This involves fighting, blaming, accusing,
threatening and disregard for people's feelings
• They regularly assume an “attack position”; feel
an urgent need to get their way, to “win”.
• The other person becomes the enemy, whose
rights and feelings are completely disregarded.
• Benefit is this person doesn‟t get pushed around
Cost is few want to be around someone like this

Assertive
• Direct and clear, yet relaxed and approachable
• They understand, do not force their opinions
• Utilize eye contact & relaxed gestures
• Feel more confident, believe in abilities, more
liked & respected
• Have less stress & achieve their goals
• Does not let people control, take a stand &
express true feelings
• Using an assertive communication style is helpful
in reducing depression, anger & anxiety.
• Assertiveness skills also enhance self-esteem,
lower stress and help you feel more in control

Without assertiveness
If we are passive :
• React to the things & would let others boss us
• Others would tell what to do/think. We would
not figure out what we want, need or think.
• Your special way of being yourself however
thinking would remain unexpressed
If you are assertive
• Others respect you.
• You are offering true ideas & feelings,
protecting from things that might harm you
• You choose what to do for your own reasons

Effects of non-assertiveness
• Personal costs
• Frustration, anxiety and stress
• Poor self esteem
• Effects on service
• Standards compromised
• Inefficiency and unnecessary costs
• Team costs
• Unresolved conflicts
• Blame game & non-cultural activities
• Individuals taking advantage
• Unacceptable conduct

Cycle of failure

NON-ASSERTIVE
BEHAVIOUR

MISSED GOALS
LACK OF
CONFIDENCE

DAMAGED
SELF ESTEEM
& CREDIBILITY


Advantage
Being assertive allows you
• To say what you want to say in a healthy,
positive way
• To resolve conflict successfully
• To keeping your relationships healthy & happy

Others will be more apt to help to achieve your
goals if they consider you to be a respectful and
honest person


Cycle of success

ASSERTIVE
BEHAVIOUR

GOALS
CONFIDENT ACHIEVED

SELF ESTEEM
& CREDIBILITY
ENHANCED


Difficult situations

Chosen
Conflict Resolution
Behavior

Un-thoughtful
Conflict Resolution?
Actions

Think about Communicate Take
all right
1

2

3
& Convince
stakeholders actions


Possible reactions
• May be based on...
• Personality
• Emotions
• Confidence
• Culture & background
• Health
• Personal circumstances


Chosen behaviour
• May be based on:
• What we want to achieve
• Respect for our and others rights
• Our feelings
• Empathy
• Understanding the facts
• Seeking solutions, not blame
• Building long term relationships


How to be assertive
• Say “no” to unreasonable expectations
• Paraphrase what others have stated to you
• Regognize and respect the rights of others
• Use appropriate tone of voice.
• Use “i” statements to express self
• Effective assertions require an expression &
apt spontaneous message
• Judgment is needed to select an appropriate
occasion
• Avoid putting down /striping the other person
(aggressive) to express feelings (assertive).
• To seek counseling to be assertive

Key rules
• Know what you want & when, be specific
• Short term & Long term
• Behaviour
• Do what you say
• Control emotions
• Count to ten, meditate for a while
• Express your emotions as appropriate
• Understand the issues
• Focus on facts, not assumptions or opinions
• Active listening, Empathise and demonstrate it
• Understand issue clearly from other‟s perspective
• Show personal commitment and responsibility
• Be positive, offer solution firmly, Be assertive

Focus
Assertiveness focuses on:
• Specific problem behavior of other person...It is
to be stated objectively, without blaming or
reading the intentions
• To avoid negative feelings…it creates the
problem for you e.g. an “I” message like “I feel
hurt /upset / used.”
• The request for a specific change...to
brainstorm mutually acceptable solutions
• Result...when the change is (or is not) put in
place

To do – Tools, Techniques, TIPS
Assertiveness is a learned skill & to be practiced
in low-risk & safe situations.
It can be by cautious and continuous practice
• Choose right time & place to discuss issue
involving all stake holders
• To decide what you want and do not want. Be
direct, Use “I” statements,
• Content : be specific, spontaneous, genuine
and direct, Describe the facts & share your
opinions and beliefs


• To confirm your request, express what you
would like to happen making requests specific.
• To describe positive consequences that will be
happen, State intentionin order to take care of
yourself if your wishes are not accommodated.
• To acknowledge & notice your feelings & share
your feedback about other person
• Respect everyone you would expect in return
• To avoid developing assertiveness debating a
topic with a crowd. You may become more
aggressive or passive in the process.

• To think simple & straight, Take ownership
• Be honest & direct about your feelings, needs
& beliefs, while giving/receiving feedback
• To sort out the problem or change you want.
• Keep your goal in mind. Think of how best to
arrive at the change.
• Complimenting a person‟s good qualities
before pointing out negative aspect of their
behavior can defuse defensiveness.
• Angry confrontation usually doesn‟t work in the
long run without creating resentment.

• Don‟t give up – Learn to be assertive in
communication. It takes practice!
• State your viewpoint without being hesitant or
apologetic, stay politely, speak clearly & firmly
directly to specific individuals.
• Never make yourself vulnerable, keep cool
• Be reasonable in your requests
• Don‟t let others impose their values/ideas
• Encourage others to be clear and direct
• Be aware of body posture, maintain eye
contact, stand firm, match facial expressions

Consider the situation Bring effectiveness
•To understand situation •Listen & communicate
•Cultural difference •Be clear in your say
•What is established & •A level, well - modulated
liked statement
Avoid absolutes Don’t hurt others
•Try to avoid words like •Express respectfully
always, never, every, •Don‟t adopt my way
•Be specific to the “highway” attitude
situation •Be confident &
•To avoid judgments approachable


Components of Assertive Behavior
Basic Assertive Rights
Freedom of opinion & To say, “ I don‟t
expression understand”
To be independent, To make mistakes taking
judge or justify behavior the responsibility
To change your mind To feel & express anger
To say, “ I don‟t know” or To refuse requests
”I don‟t care” without feeling guilty
To judge for finding To be illogical in making
solutions decisions.

Rights
• To be myself, the right to respect myself
• To have feelings, opinions, values, beliefs, and to
express those appropriately, to ask for what I want
• How I wish to be treated, Not to be threatened
• To make my own decisions taking responsibility of the
consequences
• How to lead my life…pursuing goals, dreams, etc.
• To change my mind, make mistakes, learn from those
without being ridiculed.
• To change & develop my life how I determine.
• To have positive, healthy, satisfying relationships in
which I am safe and respected.
• To be happy and at peace.

Rights & responsibilities
Rights Responsibilities
To be treated with respect To respect rights of others
To express opinions & To welcome opinions &
feelings feelings of others
To set your goals Help others to work to their
goals & objectives
To refuse a request Or say To encourage others to
„No‟ plan their activities
To ask for what I want Let other full-fill their needs
To make mistakes Let others too & learn
To get what I pay To pay for service I get

Test your assertiveness
• Can you express negative feelings about
others behavior without using abusive
language
• Can you exercise your strengths
• Can you recognize / compliment others
achievements
• Do you have confidence asking what is
rightfully yours, Are you able to stand up for
your rights
• Can accept criticism without being defensive
• Do you feel comfortable accepting
compliments

Test your assertiveness
• Do you feel comfortable accepting
compliments
• Are you able to refuse unreasonable demands
from friends family and colleagues
• Can you comfortably start and carry on a
conversation by your self
• Do you ask for assistance when you need


Practice assertiveness
Observe your behavior & keep track of assertiveness
Assess your feeling & behavior checking the effective
relationships
Make a log or diary for a week. Be honest with
yourself!
Observe an effective model.
• Watch someone who handles situations well for the
behaviors and style.
• Discuss his/her approach and the consequences in
friendly manner
• Imagine yourself handling situations differently.
• Visualize yourself dealing effectively with a variety of
situations.

Be assertive, but be as much of your “natural
self” as you can. Repeat this often until you can
imagine a comfortable and effective style for
yourself.
Give it a try
Find a trusted friend and role play. Get some
practice saying “no”, “I have an idea,” or “that
solution doesn‟t really work for me.” The more
you practice, the greater your confidence. Have
your partner play different roles and give you
feedback

To be assertive, you need to remember how worthy
you are.
You stand up for what you know is right.
You don‟t allow others to treat you unjustly.
You set limits with others by conveying what you will
and will not do.
When you have ideas, you speak out.
You are your own leader.
Being assertive does not mean you control things or
get your own way.
When someone asks what you think or how you feel,
you don‟t just tell them what they want to hear, You
honestly & tactfully tell what‟s true

When some suggestion makes you uneasy or hurt you
or get you into trouble, you stop and think.
You tell them you won‟t do it.
You don‟t let other people bully, or hurt you.
For Example - If someone consistently leaves your
office space or cubicle a mess, saying “I‟ve picked up
your papers four times this week” won‟t put her or him
on the defensive as much as “You‟re always such a
slob” might.
For examples
I won't pass my exams if I go out with you every night
"I feel hurt" rather than " You hurt me".
I feel worried when you are going to be late

Conflict resolution
Approach- The key is using the best strategy deciding
right approach for the situation at hand
Avoidance - This is dodging the situation or person. It
works well for a cooling off period, but is not helpful as
a standard for solving the conflict
Competition - Seeing who can win. “get people on your
side” is not helpful in an argument
Compromise - Both parties get something, but neither
party gets all of. This is effective method of resolution.
To know when to compromise & when to stand firm
Changing behavior is a process. Honor your style and
skills; what works for others may not work for you. Aim
for more confidence and consistency.

Demonstration
Differences between aggressive, passive & assertive
A's tone is accusing and blaming. B is immediately put
on the defensive.
A: You didn't spend any time with me at the party...I
really felt abandoned.
B: You didn't make an effort to have a good time.
A: I didn't know anybody - at least you could have
introduced me to some of your friends.
B: Listen, you can take care of yourself. I'm sick of
your complaining to be taken care of all of the time.
A: And I'm sick of your lack of consideration.
B: Okay, you're going to need another girlfriend next
time.

Demonstration
However, if A behaves assertively, expresses feelings
with "I" statements and accepts responsibility, his
request is specific, non-hostile and successful.
A: I felt abandoned when you ignored me at the party.
I'd like you to include me in your circle of friends.
B: I think what you are saying is true. I didn't spend
much time with you and it sounds to me like you were
feeling pretty neglected.
A: I can see now that I didn't make an effort to have a
good time. I could have asked you to introduce me to
your friends and not wait for you to make the first
move instead.
B: Okay, and I'll be more considerate of you next time.

Demonstration
If A behaves passively, the timid opening line is followed by
complete withdrawal. The bill problem must be dealt alone then
A: Would you help me for a moment in figuring out this bill?
B: I'm busy with this essay. Come back later.
A: Well, I really hate to interrupt you but it‟s important.
B: Look I need to have it in by tomorrow.
A: Okay, I understand I know it‟s hard to be distracted.
If A behaves assertively however, she expresses her wish
clearly and does not surrender to B's negativity.
A: I need your help with figuring out this bill.
B: I'm busy with this essay. Come back later.
A: I've waited a week & annoyed you keep the matter off.
B: Look I need to have it in by tomorrow morning.
A: I understand that you are under pressure, but I need to get
this done. Can we do it during your break?
B: Okay, let me finish this paragraph first.


Steps to be assertive
• Select a support system
• Evaluate and decide if you need to stop/get rid
of destructive behavior
• Make a decision to be assertive
• Assess your assertive strengths & weaknesses
• When and where do you start
• Decide if something critical needs attention
• Work on your assertive behavior continuously


Developing Assertiveness
• Understand your real contributions to the team
• Describe communication styles that sabotage
a confident image
• Describe non-verbal communication that
sabotage a confident image.
• Assert yourself through use of language
• Accept praise graciously
• Develop strategies to build a positive self-
image
• Participate positively in performance reviews


What happens
• Doesn‟t just happen.
• Does not guarantee you happiness or fair
treatment.
• Will not solve all your problems
• Does not guarantee you will get what you
want


Assertiveness Quiz
• Do you buy things you do not want because you are
afraid or shy to say no to the salesperson?
• When you do not understand the meaning of a word,
do you ask about it?
• Do you feel responsible when things go wrong, even
if it is not your fault?
• Do you eye contact when you talk to people?
• Do people ask to speak loudly in order to be heard?
• Do you feel intimidated by people in authority?
• Do you generally have good posture?
• Do you know how to ask for help without feeling
dependent?
• If someone interrupt, do you usually tell them ?

Assertive person does..
• is not afraid or shy to say no. She or he feels free to
make choices & clear in communication
• meets the needs. Fear does not prevent the assertive
person from asking questions.
• takes responsibility for own behavior
• maintains eye contact and suggests sincerity, self-
confidence and the expectation that others will listen.
• wants to be heard.
• does not allow status to intimidate
• poses a good posture communicates
• asks for help without feeling dependent
• would state that he or she is irritated being
interrupted. Can answer all questions at the end.

Communication Saboteurs
• The Inappropriate “I” - Don‟t start sentences that aren‟t about
you with “I.” These statements weaken you by implying that
you are not sure of the facts you are stating
• Don‟t say: I have a problem with my coworker. He never gets
on time. Say : My coworker rarely gets to work on time
• Get Rid of the Hedges
• You hide behind words & refuse to commit when you use
these words. Avoid : “Well…”; “In my opinion…”; “Basically..”
• “I would like to . . .”; “I feel . . .”; “I think . . .”; “I‟m not sure, but.”
• Tag Lines
• A tag is a short question added to the end of a statement or a
command. Tags weaken your statements because they admit
doubt. Here are a couple of examples.
• “This is the best proposal, isn‟t it?” OR “That‟s a good
idea, don‟t you think?”

Saying “No” Nicely
• When you are confident and positive, you say no without being
hostile/ negative.
• You have alternatives when you want to resist pleasantly.
• Use the language of distance.
• “That task cannot be completed now.”
• Use the language of power.
• “Cursing makes people uncomfortable. Please don‟t use it
when I am around.”
• Ways to Say “No” Powerfully
• “Perhaps a better solution is available.”
• “That solution doesn‟t promise success.”
• “That solution doesn‟t sound practical.”
• “This solution promises to be more economical.”
• “Let‟s consider alternative to this.”
• “The data doesn‟t support this solution.”


Accepting Praise Graciously
Accept & enjoy the praise, compliments that come our
way. It‟s a recognition & rewards for our
accomplishments
Ways Not to Accept Credit
“It was really nothing.”
“I got lucky.”
“It wasn‟t me; it was the team.”
“I worked hard.”
“I tried.”
Ways to Accept Credit
“Thank you.”
“I couldn‟t have done without cooperation & support of
the team”

Next Performance Review
• Compile evidence about your accomplishments/goals
• Compile thoughts to gets recognized in the conversation.
• Plan how you will introduce your accomplishments gracefully.
Practice saying it out loud.
• Use positive visualization, Expect a great session, Assume
that you will get feedback that will compliment you and help
you to improve.
• Use positive body language to show your leader you are
engaged in the process and enthusiastic about your job and
serious about doing it better.
• Take every compliment given warmly. Accept credit without
deflecting it. Don‟t make your leader wonder if it was wrong to
give you the credit in the first place.
• Accept constructive feedback with an open mind and ask
questions that clarify and help you improve.

Conclusion
• ASSERTIVE people
• get better results
• live longer and healthier
• enjoy rewarding relationships
• continually practice being assertive


Thank You all whose content is utilised


13 earthsoft foundation of guidance-assertiveness

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