Break the Pattern

BREAK THE PATTERN
LEAVE A LEGACY
FAMILY SERIES
KILLORGLIN BAPTIST CHURCH
PASTOR SHAUN ABRAHAMS
28TH OCTOBER -18th NOVEMBER 2012

BREAK THE PATTERN
LEAVE A LEGACY
Session One
A Biblical Basis

A Biblical basis
• Biblical examples of the negative influences of family.
• Isaac and Rebekah. Their marriage is quite romantic. 24:61-67
• But we read something disturbing in Genesis 25:27-28
Isaac favoured Esau and Rebekah favoured Jacob.
Rebekah deceived her husband and manipulated her son setting
the two brothers against each other.
• Isaac and Rebekah had problems with the wives of Esau. Genesis
26:34-35. brought much grief to their hearts.
• Jacob was deceived by his father-in-law Laban, who was his
mother’s brother. Genesis 28:5 deceit ran in the family?
• Jacob parted company with his father-in-law on bad terms.
Genesis 31. Laban was in fact saying ‘ You had better not come
back here again. If you do only God will deliver you’

A Biblical basis
• Biblical examples of the negative influences of family.
• Jacob also had his favourite son, Joseph.
Genesis 37:3 Jacob caused his sons to hate their brother
Joseph.
• Abraham taught Isaac to lie when in trouble.
Genesis 20:2-3, Genesis 26:6-9. Both father and son lied
about the relationship with their wives.
• David was a man after God’s own heart but was not the
best father figure. David gave into lust with Bathsheba,
committed murder as a result, then failed to correct his
son Amnon after he raped Tamar. Absalom then kills
Amnon in a wicked plot and David’s family is never the
same again.

A Biblical basis
• Biblical examples of the positive influences of family.
• Abraham’s journey of faith.
Genesis 12:4 He influenced Lot, Genesis 13:8-9 showed
humility, Genesis 14:13-16 showed care, Genesis 22: 3
showed true worship, Hebrews 11: 8-11, 17-19 showed faith.
• Cornelius and his family.
Acts 10:2, 24,33. They prayed together, gave generously,
were devout.
• Timothy’s grandmother and mother. 2 Timothy 2:15 Lois
and Eunice taught Timothy the Scriptures and they passed
on their faith to him.

Warning – we cant blame our past.
• Hannah, Elkanah and their son Solomon.
1 Samuel 1: Hannah passed onto her virtue to her Son.
Samuel lived with Eli and his two wicked sons yet was not
tarnished by his situation but served God faithfully.
• Joseph was thrown in a pit, sold into slavery and falsely
accused and thrown into prison and yet was able to
forgive and restore his brothers. He saw God’s sovereignty
in his life and makes the remarkable statement.
Gen 50:20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God
meant it for good, to bring it about that many people
should be kept alive, as they are today.

But we must break the pattern
• Old Jacob must have had such joy when he heard the story of his
son’s encounter with Potiphar’s wife. She offered Joseph her
body and nobody would have been the wiser. Dad was several
hundred miles away and it was doubtful at that point whether
Joseph would ever see him again. But the godly principles built
into his soul through his early years kept him from that sin (Gen.
39:7–20).
• Daniel’s parents experienced that same joy if they ever heard of
their son’s steadfast devotion to God in Babylon. He was nearly
six hundred miles from home. And all the other boys were
gorging themselves with the sumptuous foods of the
Babylonian king which had been dedicated to pagan idols.
“Everybody else is doing it” and “Nobody will ever know” have
been good enough excuses to send countless other kids into a
spiritual tailspin. “But Daniel made up his mind not to eat the
food and wine given to them by the king” (Dan. 1:8, TLB)

A word of encouragement
• These were men and women of the faith.
• But they sometimes made costly mistakes in parenting and
family relationships.
• We can learn from both their good and examples.
• We can be encouraged that God graciously forgave them
and still used them in his service.
No matter what the past, we have a definite
hope that we can change our situation with
God’s help.

• It’s time to halt that kind of downward spiral, time
to yield ourselves to the control of the Holy Spirit
and become what God wants us to be, time to
begin setting a Christ-like example before our
children and repair any damage that may have
already been done. The prophet Isaiah called on
the people of his day to get their hearts right with
God. He made this beautiful promise to them if
they would: “And they that shall be of thee shall
build the old waste places; thou shalt raise up the
foundations of many generations; and thou shalt
be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer
of paths to dwell in” (Isa. 58:12, KJV).

We need to be Spirit filled
And do not get drunk with wine, for that is
debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit,
addressing one another in psalms and hymns
and spiritual songs, singing and making
melody to the Lord with your heart, giving
thanks always and for everything to God the
Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,
submitting to one another out of reverence
for Christ. Ephesians 5:18-21

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended:
but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which
are behind, and reaching forth unto those things
which are before, vs14. I press toward the mark for
the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 3:13-14
But my God shall supply all your need according to
his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 4:19

RECAP
BREAK THE PATTERN
LEAVE A LEGACY

Recap
• Family is God’s institution and we must turn to Him for the
blueprint on marriage and family. If we don’t preserve the family,
we will loose the sacred space that God has given us to pass on
biblical truth and Christian morals, and society will crumble.
• What do I mean by breaking a pattern?
Changing the inherent sinful conditions, the meaningless
direction, the immoral values, the false traditions that we bring
into our marriages and that we instil in our marraiges and into our
children.
• What do I mean by leaving a legacy?
Encourage obedient godly righteous living, setting godly
direction, teach Christian moral values and to introduce unqiue
family traditions into our homes that will transform our families
to what God intends.

We looked at the influence of
negative examples of parenting and
the impact of favouritism, lying and
deceitfulness in the lives of Isaac,
Rebekah, Esau, Jacob and his family.

Warning – we can’t blame our past.
• Hannah, Elkanah and their son Solomon.
1 Samuel 1: Hannah passed onto her virtue to her Son.
Samuel lived with Eli and his two wicked sons yet was not
tarnished by his situation but served God faithfully.
• Joseph was thrown in a pit, sold into slavery and falsely
accused and thrown into prison and yet was able to
forgive and restore his brothers. He saw God’s sovereignty
in his life and makes the remarkable statement.
Gen 50:20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God
meant it for good, to bring it about that many people
should be kept alive, as they are today.

BREAK THE PATTERN
LEAVE A LEGACY
Session Two
Leaving and Cleaving

Genesis 2:20-25
The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the
heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there
was not found a helper fit for him. So the LORD God caused a
deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one
of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that
the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman
and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is
bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called
Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man
shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast (cleave) to
his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his
wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

• Marriage is the start of a new and separate family unit.
• A biblical command
Genesis 2:24: “For this cause a man shall leave his father and
mother. . .”
• Parents and grandparents have a role to play.
Deuteronomy 4:9: “Only give heed to yourself and keep your soul
diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, and
lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life; but make
them known to your sons and your grandsons.”
• It is possible to leave father and mother and still live next door.
• It is also possible to live thousands of miles from parents and still
not leave them.

• What “leaving” does mean: (from Strengthening Your
Marriage by Wayne Mack, p. 2).
• Establish an adult relationship with your parents
• Be more concerned about your mate’s ideas, opinions, and
practices than those of your parents.
• Do not be slavishly dependent on your parents for
affection, approval, assistance, and counsel.
• Eliminate any bad attitudes toward your parents, or you will
be tied emotionally to them regardless of how far you
move from them.
• Stop trying to change your mate simply because your
parents do not like him the way he is.

• Make the husband and wife relationship your priority
human relationship.
• Be concerned about being a good husband/wife.
• Children do not need indulgent parents who continually
neglect each other. They need parents who will
demonstrate how to face and solve problems.
• Your goal should be to prepare your children to leave, not
to stay. Your life must not be wrapped around them or you
may make them emotional cripples.
• When your children have married, do not run their lives.
Allow the young husband to be the head of his home, to
make decisions for himself, to look to his wife, not you, as
his primary responsibility and helper.
• Encourage your daughter to depend upon her husband, not
you, for guidance, help, companionship, and affection.

• Marriage is a union of two individuals.
Genesis 2:24-25: “. . .and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall
become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and
were not ashamed.”
• Cleaving is the opposite of leaving.
In the passage, the word “cleave” is set in contrast to “leave.”
• Cleaving describes how tight the marriage bond is to be.
It has the picture of being “glued” together.
• Cleaving continues throughout the marriage.
It means to “pursue hard after” the wife beyond the courtship
leading to marriage, and is to continue on in the marriage. We do
not “do what feels good to me” but focus on meeting the needs
of the spouse.
• Cleaving is hampered by selfishness.
Marriages commonly fall into a rut when we stop cleaving once
the “honeymoon is over.”
1 Peter 3:7.

• Parents must be ready to help but not interfere.
• Parents pass on good habits but also sinful habits.
• Spouses must be committed to the leaving and cleaving
process.
• Marriage brings different backgrounds and family
traditions together.
• Know the traditions, habits and plan to break them or
continue them.

• Starting point for breaking patterns and building a new
legacy with God and your spouse.
• Leaving a legacy means discovering together as a couple
what is unique to you as a couple on your journey.
• It is the reason we start a new family unit, it means that a
change is taking place, things are different.

Final word
• Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and
hold fast (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one
flesh.
• Commitment to God’s Word – James 1:22
• Commitment to your Spouse to pursue love, mutual respect,
honour, maturity, unity, close communion and a unique
relationship that demonstrates the love and commitment of
God to us His people – Ephesians 5:22-33

What to do?
• Make your spouse know that they are more important to
you than your parents and your children.
• Confess your sin to your spouse if you ignore their advice
over the advice of your parents.
• Promise to work at becoming one flesh. Work for the
approval and support of your mate.
• Build up your spouse to your parents
• Do not allow parents to belittle your spouse.
• Work out a plan of how to engage with parents.
• Include your spouse in family discussions.

What to do?
• How are your parents similar or different?
• How is your marriage different than your parents marriage?
• What impact has your family background had on your
marriage?
• Who means more to you? Parents or spouse?
• Are you closer to your spouse now?

• Psa 128:1 A Song of Ascents. Blessed is everyone who fears
the LORD, who walks in his ways!
• Psa 128:2 You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands;
you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
• Psa 128:3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your
house; your children will be like olive shoots around your
table.
• Psa 128:4 Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears
the LORD.
• Psa 128:5 The LORD bless you from Zion! May you see the
prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life!
• Psa 128:6 May you see your children's children! Peace be
upon Israel

BREAK THE PATTERN
LEAVE A LEGACY
Session Three
THE HUSBAND WIFE RELATIONSHIP

FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLES
• MEN AND WOMAN ARE EQUAL IN VALUE AND DIGNITY
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he
created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27
• Wherever men are thought to be better than women,
wherever husbands act as selfish dictators, wherever wives
are forbidden to have their own jobs outside the home or to
vote or to own property or to be educated, wherever there is
abuse or violence against women, or rape or female
infanticide or polygamy or harems, and wherever women are
treated as inferior, the biblical truth of equality in the image
of God is being denied.
• To all societies and cultures where these things occur, we
must proclaim that the very first page of God’s Word bears a
fundamental and irrefutable witness against these evils.

• MEN AND WOMEN HAVE DIFFERENT ROLES IN MARRIAGE
AS PART OF THE CREATED ORDER.
• Both Adam and Eve were created in God’s image,
equal before God as persons and distinct in their
manhood and womanhood.
• Distinctions in masculine and feminine roles are
ordained by God as part of the created order.
• Adam’s headship in marriage was established by
God before the Fall, and was not a result of sin.

• MALE HEADSHIP IS ESTABLISHED BEFORE THE FALL
• The order. Genesis 2:7 and 2:18.–23
• According to Scripture itself the fact that Adam was created
first has implications not just for Adam and Eve themselves but
also for the relationships between men and women generally
throughout the church age.
12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over
a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. 13 For Adam was formed
first, then Eve; 2 Timothy 2:12-13
• The naming of woman. Gen. 2:23,
So out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the
field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to
see what he would call them; and whatever the man called every
living creature, that was its name (2:19).
• When Adam gives his wife the name “Woman,” in terms of
biblical patterns of thought this indicates a kind of authority
that God gave to Adam, a leadership function that Eve did not
have with respect to her husband.

• MALE HEADSHIP IS ESTABLISHED BEFORE THE FALL
• The primary accountability.
• God commanded Adam alone before fall. Genesis 2:15–17
• God summoned Adam to give an account. Genesis 3:9
• The serpent approached Eve. Genesis 3:1
• The representation Gen. 3:6, 1 Cor. 15:22, 1 Cor. 15:45–49, Rom.
5:12–21
• The purpose
• Eve was created as a helper for Adam, not Adam as a helper for
Eve. Gen. 2:18, 1 Corinthians 11:9
• Eve does not help Adam as one who is inferior to him. Rather,
she is to be a helper “fit for him”. She completes him.

• CONFLICT IS ESTABLISHED AFTER THE FALL
• The conflict. Gen. 3:16
• In this context and construction, it probably implies an
aggressive desire, perhaps a desire to conquer or rule
over, or else an urge or impulse for Eve to oppose her
husband, an impulse to act “against” him.
• Genesis 4:7 sins desire to rule over Cain. He is told to rule
over it.
• “and he shall rule over you” (Gen. 3:16). the word rule does
not signify one who leads among equals but rather one
who rules by virtue of power and strength. Gen. 45:26, Ps.
89:9

• Prior to their sin, Adam and Eve lived in perfect
harmony, yet with a leadership role belonging to
Adam as the head of his family.
• After the Fall, God introduced conflict in that Eve
would now aggressively oppose Adam and resist
Adam’s leadership and Adam would respond with
a rule over Eve that came from his greater
strength and aggressiveness, a rule that was
forceful and at times harsh.

• As a result of the sin of Adam and
Eve in the garden there would be ...
• Pain in tilling the ground
• Pain in bearing children
• PAIN AND CONFLICT IN THE
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MAN AND
WOMEN.

• That’s why we are here today.
• Ask God to strengthen the
husband and wife
relationships in our church so
that we can break the
patterns of sin, and instead
leave a legacy of
righteousness?

• RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT
But understand this, that in the last days there will
come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers
of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive,
disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,
heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-
control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous,
reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure
rather than lovers of God, having the appearance
of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such
people. - 2Timothy 3: 1 -5

FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLES - BREAK THE PATTERN
• RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT
• Christ at the centre. (Sal or Sanc)
• Matthew 22:37-39, Psalm 46:10, Philippians 3:10
Grace, strength, trust and hope.
• Pride is the enemy, deny ourselves, love others
Philippians 2:1-4, Romans 12:10, 1 Thessalonians
5:11, Matthew 7:3-5
• Communication is vital.
Ephesians 4:15-31, 1 Corinthians 1:10
Biblically solving problems, seeking unity

• Gracious submission.
Wives, submit to your own husbands,
as to the Lord. For the husband is the
head of the wife even as Christ is the
head of the church, his body, and is
himself its Saviour. Now as the church
submits to Christ, so also wives should
submit in everything to their husbands.
Ephesians 5:22-24

• Gracious submission.
• Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that
even if some do not obey the word, they may be won
without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they
see your respectful and pure conduct. … but let your
adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the
imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in
God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women
who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting
to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling
him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do
not fear anything that is frightening.
1 Peter3:1-6
• A fulfilled wife and mother, content, trusting in the Lord

• Devotion to priorities
Matthew 6:31-34, Proverbs 31:10-31
• A happy family, a light for the gospel.
• Divine discipline & nurturing of
children
• Ephesians 6:4
• Happy, respectful responsible children
who love Jesus

• Willing Helper
• Does what I do help my husband?
• In John 14:16 Jesus comforts His disciples with the promise
of the Holy Spirit, referring to Him as “another Helper”
(NASB). By addressing the Holy Spirit as a helper, Jesus
forever elevated the position of the one who assists.
• Industrious Homemaker
• Does what I do enhance my home?
PROVERBS 31, TITUS 2:3–5, 1 Timothy 5:14, Proverbs 14:1

• LEAVING A LEGACY
• TRUST IN GOD
• THE WITNESS OF FEMININITY
• A GENTLE AND QUIET SPIRIT
• RESPECT

BREAK THE PATTERN
LEAVE A LEGACY
Session Four
Continued

• Husbands are to be Loving Leading Servants.
• Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and
gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, …
• In the same way husbands should love their wives as their
own bodies.
• However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and
let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians
5:25-33
• Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered
against them (Col. 3:19).

What kind of love is the bible talking about?
• eros (sexual love) does not occur in the
New Testament
• phileō, spontaneous natural affection,
with more feeling than reason, occurs
some 25 times
• storgē, natural affection between
kinfolk

What kind of love is the bible talking about?
• agapē, means to love the undeserving, despite
disappointment and rejection. It is sacrificial
• Love, as set forth by Jesus, is the keynote of the new
kingdom. (Rom. 5:8; Mk. 10:45, Gal. 5:22, 1 Corinthians 13,
John 3:16, Jn. 13:35, 1 John 4:8)
• The obligation to love extends not only to one’s friends
and relatives but to one’s enemies. Romans. 12:20, Luke.
23:34.

• Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave
himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her
by the washing of water with the word, so that he might
present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or
wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without
blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as
their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no
one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just
as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast
to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is
profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the
wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:25-33

• Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered
(HARSH) against them (Col. 3:19).
• For while we were still helpless, at the right time, Christ
died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a
righteous man; though perhaps for the good man
someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates
His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners,
Christ died for us (Rom. 5:6–8).
• “Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another,
because love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8).

• Husbands are to be Loving Leading Servants. (skip)
• Jesus tells us to love our neighbours
Matthew 22:36–40.
And one of them, a lawyer, asked Him [a question,] testing
Him, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the
Law?” And He said to him, “’You shall love the Lord your God
with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your
mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The
second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’
On these two commandments depend the whole Law and
the Prophets.”

• Husbands are to be Loving Leading Servants. (skip)
• sJesus tells us to love our enemies
• You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your
neighbour, and hate your enemy.” But I say to you, “love
your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you” (Matt.
5:43–44).
• Giving, as we have seen, is at the heart of love.
Love is giving, Selfishness is taking.
“Am I a giver or a taker?”
That is the question you must ask yourself as you evaluate
your love for your wife.

• Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave Himself up for her (Eph. 5:25).
• For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten
Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but
have eternal life (In. 3:16).
• Walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave
Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a
fragrant aroma (Eph. 5:2).
• I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live,
but Christ lives in me; and the [life] which I now live in the
flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and
gave Himself for me (Gal. 2:20 NKJV).

• Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an
understanding way, showing honour to the woman as the
weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of
life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1Peter 3:7

• You are your wife’s protector
• For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the
head of the church, He Himself [being] the Saviour of the
body. Ephesians 5:23

• The Bible places the burden of understanding on you as
the husband. You’re the one who must take the initiative
to draw out of your wife the information necessary to
develop and maintain the one-flesh intimacy God intends
you to have with her.
• To what extent does your wife reveal herself to you? Is she
ashamed or afraid to do so?
• What would you say prevents her from disclosing that
information to you?
• There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For
fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not
been perfected in love. 1 Johnn_4:18

Love is being concerned with what I can give
Not with what I can get.
Selfishness is being concerned with what I can get
Not with what I can give.
Fear is being more concerned with what I might
lose than with what I can give

STRENGHTENING THE HUSBAND WIFE RELATIONSHIP
Breaking the Pattern
• Not resolving conflicts
• Outbursts of anger (raising of the
voice, throwing, hitting, etc.)
• Withdrawal (giving each other the
silent treatment or the cold
shoulder)

• Sarcasm (mocking, ridiculing, mean-spirited
joking, etc.)
• Acts of vengeance (getting even or trying to
hurt her back)
• Condescending communication (speaking to
her as though she were a child or an inferior
person)
• Criticism (a critical, condemnatory,
judgmental attitude)
• Suspicion and distrust

• Hypersensitivity (treating a pin prick as
though it were a knife in the heart)
• Intolerance (not overlooking little
offenses that once went unnoticed)
• Misuse of authority (domineering,
dictatorial, or tyrannical attitudes which
require needless exactions of obedience)
• Lack of social interaction
with others as a couple

• Loss of companionship (the intimacy
of the one flesh relationship is
damaged and communication
becomes superficial)
• Lack of respect (dishonouring her to
her face and in the presence of others)
• Lack of kindness and sympathy
• Angry children (who have been greatly
provoked by their parents)

LEAVING A LEGACY
• If you could change three things about me that would
make me more Christ-like, what would you change?
• Do I have any other annoying mannerisms that you would
like to see me change?
• How does it make you feel when I…(name something that
you know displeases her)?
• What areas do you think I am neglecting my duty to you as
husband?

• What do you want from me that I’m not giving you at the
moment?
• What specifically would you like to see me do to change?
• On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate our
marriage?
• What would it take to make our marriage a ten?

• What is your opinion about?
• What personal goals do you have for your life? How may I
help you achieve those?
• Do you have any needs or desires that you believe I
ought to be meeting or fulfilling better than I do?
What are they?

• In the final analysis, what keeps a
husband and wife from enjoying
this “one flesh” intimacy that
Adam and Eve knew in the Garden
of Eden is PRIDE

• What God wants for every family.
Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that
walketh in his ways. For thou shalt eat the labour of
thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well
with thee. Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the
sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants
round about thy table. Behold, that thus shall the
man be blessed that feareth the LORD.
Psalm 128:1-4

BREAK THE PATTERN
LEAVE A LEGACY
Session Five
The parent-child relationship

Biblical truths that influence
the parent child relationship
• Remember children are not innocent and sinless.
Proverbs 20:11. There conduct proves they have a sinful
nature and are prone to wander.
Psalm 51:3-5, 58:3 We are born sinners and need to be
redeemed and regenerated.
• Parents are like archers and children are like arrows.
Psalm 127:4 Point them in the right direction.
Proverbs 22:6 Show them the way they need to go.
• Children are valuable and precious to God.
Psalm 128, Judge 9:8-9. Olive tree is the king of trees in
Palestine.
Psalm 127. Children are a reward, a gift from God, they do
not belong to us.

• Children are described as plants and not branches.
Psalm 128 Children are individuals not carbon copies.
Provide fences not straightjackets. You want them to be
set free for Christ.
• Pray for your children’s salvation and nurture their
spiritual growth.
Malachi2:13-16, Our responsibility is to teach them God’s
ways.
Matthew 19:14. Lead them to Jesus
• Be an example of godliness.
Psalm 128, 1 Corinthians 11:1. When we follow God, our
children are influenced. They are around YOUR table.
1 Timothy 5:8 It is up to you, not the church, nor the school
or the government.
Biblical truths that influence
the parent child relationship

“Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord.”
The word heritage signifies an inheritance
given, not according to hereditary right, but
according to the willing desire of the giver.
Every new child born into a Christian home is
a gracious gift from God, a lovely legacy from
the Lord entrusted to our care to be loved,
cherished, provided for and properly molded
for his glory. -

“The fruit of the womb is his reward.”
• Again, the word reward does not mean something earned
or deserved, but something freely given through the
generous decision of the giver. The inability to have
children is no stigma, therefore. It doesn’t mean God is
angry with us or isn’t smiling on us. It simply means that
he knows best what we need. And he also knows there are
the masses of unloved children whom childless couples
can pour their lives into with great spiritual profit for all
concerned. He always gives what is best.
- Strauss, R. L. (1975). Confident children and how they grow.
Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers.

How do we think of our children?
• Lo, children are a burden from the Lord; and the fruit of
the womb must be his way of testing us. As the source of
endless work and continual aggravation, so are the
children of one’s youth. Unhappy is the man who hears his
neighbor ask, “Do all those kids belong to you?”
• Psa 127:3-5 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of
a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the
man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to
shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

• When you look at your child, what do you see? A nerve-
shattering machine, or a heritage from the Lord? A house-
wrecker, or a heritage from the Lord? A work-maker, or a
heritage from the Lord? A source of embarrassment
before your friends, or a heritage from the Lord? A
competitor for your spouse’s attention, or a heritage from
the Lord?
How do we think of our children?

• A stewardship relationship
Psalm 127, 128
God has given us a gift to treasure and manage.
• A secondary relationship.
Genesis 2:24
The husband-wife relationship is the most
important.
• A temporary releasing relationship.
Genesis 2:24
The relationship is not permanent, the husband
wife relationship is.

• A loving, caring, nurturing and discipling
relationship. Ephesians 6:1 -4, Proverbs 22:6
We must invest time, effort and plan for our
children's future
• A changing relationship. 1 Corinthians 13:11
As they grow we must adapt.
• A never ending relationship. Luke 15:11-32
We will always be parents. We must always love
our children, they must know we will never
abandon them.

BREAK THE PATTERN
LEAVE A LEGACY
Session Four
The role of the family unit.

• The family is a mobile for changing your life.
• ‘ People throw away what they could have, by insisting on
perfection which they cannot have, and looking for it
where they will never find it’ (Schaeffer 1976, p. 32)
• Marriage is a union of two sinners don’t expect perfection,
don’t give up when there is trouble. The best is still to
come as you continue to walk together with God.
Romans 3:23, 2 Peter 3:18

• Are you the husband, wife you were ten years ago?
• Are you becoming more like Jesus?
• Can your children see you are changing, becoming more
like Jesus?
But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the
glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image
from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.
2 Corinthians 3:18

• The family is the birthplace of creativity.
• We are made in the image of the Creator God and He has
given us the gift and pleasure of creativity.
Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the
image of God created he him; male and female created he
them.
Genesis 2:15 And the LORD God took the man, and put him
into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
Genesis 4:17-22 architecture, agriculture, arts.
• Nurture the gifts, talents and value the insights of each
member of the family.

• The family is the centre to develop human relationships.
• In the marriage relationship and in the family we learn that
people are significant, important, worthwhile, with a
purpose in life. Genesis :1:26, Ephesians 2:8-10.
• Our children must see that we value people, by the way we
treat each other and by the way we treat other people.
• In the family you teach loyalty, dependability, respect,
care, consideration sensitivity to others and selflessness.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
• Children must never be treated as less important human
beings.

• The family is the place to pass on truth.
• Truth is timeless and always beneficial.
Hebrews 11, 12:1-2
1 Corinthians 10:6-13
• The truth of God must be passed on to our generations to
preserve them and protect them.
Psalm 111:4-10
Deuteronomy 4:9-10
Deuteronomy 6:4-7
Deuteronomy 6:14
Deuteronomy 6:20
Deuteronomy 6:21-25

• The family is the place to pass on truth.
• The Scriptures is a treasure chest of truth?
Ephesians 4:31, 32
Philippians 2:10-15
1 Peter 3:1-3
• Jesus is our model of truth.
John 13:14,15
Philippians 2:5-9
1 Corinthians 11:1
Ephesians 5:25, 29

• The family is a museum of memories.
• Good memory is a gift from God.
Proverbs 10:7
Psalm 109:15
• God has memories of you and I.
Psalm 139: 1-3,17-18
• Make good memories.
James 4:13-14
Can you remember a really bad memory from your family?
Psalm 51:1
Can you remember a really good memory from your family past?
Psalm 67:1

• The family is a place of shelter and where to find strength.
• A place for private heart sharing.
• A place for private personal growth.
• A place where diversity is encouraged.
• A place where differences are accepted.
• A place of no condemnation, forgiveness and love.
• A place where friends are welcome.
The hinges must be well oiled to swing open when necessary
and the lock should be firm to keep the family safe.

BREAK THE PATTERN
LEAVE A LEGACY
Session Five
Personal Inventory

Personal Inventory
• What was the quality of your parents marriage?
On a scale of 1-10, 1 being the least.
• What good and bad qualities did your parents
have?
Name one good and one bad.
• How much are you like your father or mother?
On a scale of 1-10, 1 being the least. …………
• How much are your children like you?
On a scale of 1-10, 1 being the least.

Personal Inventory
• What did you grow up believing about God, church,
salvation, bible, purpose of life, church, work etc.
• What were you taught about money, property, spending,
saving, who makes decisions in the home about finances?
• What did you learn about responsibility of father and
mother?
• What were you taught about affection, dating and sex?
• What are your parents goals and dreams.
What are your goals, dreams.

Personal Inventory
• Who is the most important person in your life?
• Whose opinion is more important to you.
Your wife, parents, work mates, pastor?
• What are you teaching your children?
You are always teaching either good or bad.
• Do you know your wife?
What is she struggling with right now?
What are her fears?
What is she praying about?
How is her walk with God?
• Do you know what your children are struggling with right now?
What are they afraid of?
What are their future plans?
What are they praying about?
How is their walk with God?

Scripture How Christ Application: How
Reference Loves the Church can I love my wife?
1. Romans 5: 6–8 1. He loves sinners. 1. By quickly forgiving her.
2. 1 John 4:19 2. He initiated love. 2. By taking the initiative to…
3. John 3:16 3. He gave Himself 3. By voluntarily meeting her
needs ….
4. Ephesians 5:2 4.He sacrificed Himself 4. By sacrificing my ….
6. John 15:13 6. He showed the greatest
kind of love
6. How deep is your love?

Bibliography
• Adams, JE 1972, Christian Living in the Home, Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing
Company, Phillipsburg, New Jersey.
• Benton, A 2003, Aren't they lovely when they are asleep?, Christian Focus.
• Carole, M 1986, Words that hurt words that heal, Navpress, Colorado Springs.
• Dobson, J 1978, The strong willed child, Living Books, Wheaton, Illinois.
• Hughes, KAB 2009, Disciplines of a godly family, Christian Art Publishers, Vereeniging.
• Jenkins, JB 1989, Loving your Marriage enough to protect it, Moody Press, Chicago.
• MacArthur. Jr, J 1984, Answering Key questions about the Family, Grace to You,
Panorama City, California.
• Mack, W 1991, Your Family God's Way, P&R Publishing Company, Phillipsburg, New
Jersey.
• Mack, W 2009, In- Laws Married with parents, P& R Publishing Company, Phillipsburg,
New Jersey.
• Meier, PL 1977, Christian Child Rearing and Personality Development, Baker Book
House Company, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
• Miller, PA 2002, Quick Scripture Reference for Counselling women, Baker Books, Grand
Rapids, Michigan.
• Schaeffer, E 1976, What is a family?, Hodder and Staughton, London.
• Swindoll, C 1977, You and your child, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville.
• Tripp, T 1995, Shepherding a Childs Heart, Shepherd Press, Wapwallopen.

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