1. contents
Introduction IX
Part I: An Overview
1. Emotions are the Keys to Understanding 1
2. How to Replace Sadness, Anger, and Fear with Joy, Love, and Peace 27
Part II: Your Five Tools
3. Emotions: The Heart of the Matter 51
4. Thoughts: Rewire Your Thinking 79
5. Thoughts: High-Voltage Rewiring 101
6. Intuition: The Direct Line to the Self 123
7. Speech: The Four Rules of Communication 143
8. Speech: Dealing with Differences 167
9. Action: Make and Take Small Steps 191
10. Action: Waging the Battle Against Old Habits 219
Part III: Living It
11. Moving from Sadness to Joy 257
12. Moving from Anger to Love 289
13. Moving from Fear to Peace 313
Conclusion 337
Acknowledgments 339
Appendix 341
Bibliography and Further Reading 343
Reading Group Guide 345
Index 349
VII

2. 1
Emotions are the Keys
to Understanding
Sadness & Joy
Anger & Love
Fear & Peace
Attitude Reconstruction proposes that unhappiness, suffering, and
misery are rooted in unexpressed sadness, anger, and fear. It also says
that we can systematically create their counterparts (joy, love, and peace,
respectively) and find the happiness we seek. “But wait,” you’re probably
saying, “how can all these complicated feelings be reduced to three pairs
of emotions?” If you’re willing to stay open to the possibility, this seem-
ingly radical idea will soon resonate with your own personal experience
as it has with my own, and with that of my many clients.
1

3. 2 AN OVERVIEW
The Six Emotions
Sadness & Joy
Anger & Love
Fear & Peace
Each Emotion Feels and Looks Different
Across all cultures, human beings share the same emotions. They’ve
been the same throughout the history of Homo sapiens. Cave people
experienced fear, anger, and sadness as well as joy, love, and peace. The
old, the young, and everyone in between are capable of feeling them all.
Emotions come and go, continually shifting like the weather. They
are spontaneous physical reactions to what we experience throughout the
day. We feel them as pure sensations in our bodies. They have no words.
Just look at the word “emotion,” and you can see “e-motion,” or “energy in
motion.” Each emotion manifests as a different sensation in our bodies.
Bodily Sensations Associated with Each Emotion
Sadness Joy Anger Love Fear Peace
heavy heart blissful hot warm cold relaxed
constricted expansive flushed open tense tranquil
chest muscles
weak sparkling tight full shivering content
muscles
low energy carefree aggressive soft trembling quiet
tight throat active cold stare smiling stomach perceptive
knots
slow exuberant striking embracing elevated alert
out pulse
lethargic light explosive connected agitated calm
When we feel sadness, we feel cold and slow, and we find it hard to
speak without crying. With joy, we feel exuberant and bouncy. Anger makes

4. EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 3
us feel hot, tight, and ready to strike out and explode. With love, we feel
open and warm. When we feel fear, we get cold, shiver all over, and feel our
innards constrict. With peace, we feel tranquil and relaxed, yet alert.
The way energy moves in our bodies is different for each emotion
too. Sadness weighs us down. Joy’s energy moves upward, causing us to
feel elated. When we feel angry, the energy pushes outward, and we lash
out and push people away. With love, the energy pulls inward, and we
draw others near. When we experience fear, the energy is erratic, and we
feel jumpy and wired, or frozen and immobilized. When we experience
peace, we feel calm, still, and collected.
Each emotion is also reflected differently in our faces, posture, move-
ments, tone, and demeanor. Even without hearing any words, it’s fairly easy
to tell the difference between someone who is bouncing around just having
been accepted to the university of his choice, and someone who is running
late and can’t find some important papers she needs for her meeting. The
physical expressions of each emotion are distinctive and easily recognizable.
Another way to understand the distinction between the emotions is
to think about how each is expressed physically.
Each Emotion’s Physical Expression
Sadness Joy Anger Love Fear Peace
crying smiling aggressive open agitated relaxed
sobbing bubbling pushing soft shivering silent
weeping sparkling pounding smiling shuddering still
wailing exuberant stomping sweet trembling alert
laughter laughter
frowning exhilarated biting embracing nervous aware
yells laughter
crying yelling undefended quivering smiling
caustic reaching jiggly legs
laughter out

5. 4 AN OVERVIEW
Emotions and Feelings
We affix many different names to the same emotions. Emptiness,
helplessness, arrogance, confusion, impatience, jealousy—these are
just different labels we attach to the same wordless physical sensation,
depending on our history and circumstances. The same is true for bliss,
contentment, delight, and ecstasy. Feelings are mental. Emotions are
physical. An example will bring this concept into focus. Say you’ve been
under the weather but dread going to the doctor. Your stomach is in
knots, and your hands are freezing. You start projecting into the future.
“What if I have cancer? I won’t be able to work. What will happen to
the children?” You might call what you’re feeling anxiety or nervousness,
but what you are experiencing on a physical level is the emotion of fear.
It’s just pure energy.
It doesn’t matter whether the source of your fear is a potential
diagnosis, meeting your future in-laws for the first time, or giving a pre-
sentation in class. And it doesn’t matter whether you call what you’re
feeling anxiety, stress, agitation, or panic—you’re dealing with fear.
Examples of Some Feelings Associated
with Each Emotion
Sadness Joy Anger Love Fear Peace
unlovable lovable jealous open worried relaxed
lonely confident dissatisfied satisfied nervous calm
needy secure intolerant tolerant stressed productive
guilty self- resentful kind indecisive stable
accepting
small strong disgusted grateful confused committed
incapable powerful conceited humble impatient patient
glum delighted stingy generous rigid flexible
It’s easier to deal with what we’re feeling if we identify the underly-
ing emotions. Is it sadness, anger, fear? Joy, love, peace?

6. EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 5
Emotions Are Triggered by Specific Events
Everyone experiences all six emotions. They are normal reactions to
specific events. As we go through life, big and little things happen that
naturally evoke these different sensations in our bodies. Whether it’s a
scene in a movie, gossip about a friend, or an upheaval at work, our emo-
tions are continually triggered by the events in our lives. The following
table shows you the types of situations that generate each emotion.
Emotional Triggers
Emotions Specific Events
Sadness losses and hurts
Joy achievements, good news, creative express, beauty
Anger injustices and violations
Love kindness, caring, generosity, understanding
Fear threats to our survival
Peace safety, comfort, security, serenity
We often experience more than one emotion at a time, and some-
times one emotion masks another. For example, imagine that someone
you admire calls you “careless.” That feels like a violation and naturally
provokes anger. But it also hurts to be called names, so buried under-
neath your anger is probably sadness. If, while blasting you, the person
expresses hostility, you probably feel threatened and experience fear as
well.
Why We Resist Our Emotions
As babies, we took delight in the world around us and marveled at
being alive. We dealt with upsets by unabashedly expressing our emo-
tions, then swiftly returned to our trusting, playful selves. How simple
and great life was. As adults, most of us don’t resist laughing at some-

7. 6 AN OVERVIEW
thing funny, hugging our children, or experiencing a moment of peace
while hiking in nature. However, we very much want to avoid crying,
expressing anger, and showing fear. Expressing these emotions feels for-
eign because we’ve “forgotten” that they are an integral part of being
human.
As we grew up, our families, peers, schools, religious institutions—in
short, our entire culture—shaped us to fit into societal norms. Constraints
on time and place, as well as other people’s own unexpressed emotions,
prevented us from directly showing what we were feeling inside. Some-
times we were shamed out of vocalizing what we were feeling.
We modeled ourselves on those around us. Instead of expressing our
emotions, we developed defenses against them and counterproductive
ways of compensating. While it may not be appropriate for a grown
woman to throw a loud tantrum when the grocery store is out of her
favorite kind of cookie, the campaign against showing emotions has
been taken much too far. There are precious few situations in our society
where it is okay to cry, stomp, or physically show that we are afraid by
shivering. We’ve all gotten the messages: “Tears equal weakness,” “Don’t
wear your heart on your sleeve,” “Stop crying or I’ll give you something
to cry about,” or even “Die before cry.” I’ve witnessed a truly caring wife
in my office attempt to comfort her husband, who was finally expressing
his grief, by saying, “Honey, don’t cry.”
Part of being alive is experiencing countless emotionally charged
events every day. Usually, it doesn’t even cross our minds that we could
express the emotions we’re feeling. If crying is taboo, expressing healthy
anger is also forbidden. We were discouraged from showing anger by
being told, “Put a lid on it,”“Girls aren’t pretty when they’re angry,”“We
don’t yell in this family,” “You’re upsetting me,” or “You’re acting crazy
again.” In a similar fashion, expressing fear was summarily squashed
with messages such as “Don’t be a scaredy-cat,” “You chicken,” “There’s
nothing to be afraid of,” or “Snap out of it!”
And we don’t stifle only the emotions that we regard as negative or
unpleasant. To a lesser degree, we learned to downplay the emotions
of joy, love, and peace. As children, our unbridled laughter was often

8. EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 7
disruptive to the busy routines of adults. When we squealed in sheer
delight, our parents’ reaction was often a firm command to tone it down.
And when we felt peaceful and content to just stare at the clouds, we
may have received messages such as “Don’t just sit there” or “Can’t you
find something better to do?” Good moments immediately turned flat.
Recently, I saw a youngster’s utter joy at being served a huge plate of
pancakes extinguished by swift reprimands to “behave” from both par-
ents. Overt messages like these, plus observations of those around us,
taught us to fit in by camouflaging rather than expressing our emotions
naturally and physically.
What We Do Instead of Expressing
Our Emotions
Because we don’t allow ourselves to express our sadness, anger, or
fear physically and constructively, the emotional energy gets stuck inside
of us, along with the specific event that triggered it. Our unexpressed
emotions act like a wad of gunk, jamming up our ability to process the
experience. Some people have described this to me as feeling numb or
being on autopilot. When we don’t process our emotions in a healthy
way, our minds resort to well-worn destructive attitudes that are reflected
in how we feel, think, speak, and act.
The ways we mask and divert our emotions are all too familiar. For
instance, maybe your father came home after holding his anger in all
day long, mumbled something about the “idiots” he had to take orders
from, and then, after a drink or two, lashed out at his family members,
the people he felt safest with. Maybe he numbed his pain by staring
mindlessly at the television for hours each night. The fact that he was
suffering from high blood pressure and other medical conditions related
to stifling his emotions did nothing to improve his state of mind. When
we don’t express our emotions physically and constructively, we compen-
sate in predictable, destructive ways.

9. 8 AN OVERVIEW
Your Emotional Constitution
Some babies are born mellow, some fussy, and some highly reac-
tive. We each come into this world with an emotional predisposition,
a temperament that colors how we interpret our experience. Sadness is
dominant in some of us, others of us have a tendency to lead with anger,
and others are ruled by fear. Imagine that your emotional constitution
is comprised of three buckets. One bucket holds sadness, another anger,
and a third fear. Some people’s fear bucket is overflowing, while their
other buckets are nearly empty; for others, two may be overflowing; for
still others, all three buckets are relatively full. When you look at yourself
and others from this perspective, it’s easier to understand why people
behave the way they do.
You can think of your emotional constitution as being like eye color.
If you look at the color of a mother’s and father’s eyes, you can usually
make an educated guess about what color their child’s eyes will be. In
the same way, your parents’ emotional constitutions have an impact on
which emotions are strongest for you. If both of your parents tend to be
passive (i.e., have more sadness than anger or fear), there’s a good chance
you’ll be passive and experience a lot of sadness too. If one parent has
an angry constitution and the other a fearful one, you could have either
parent’s constitution or a combination of the two.
Though everybody is capable of feeling all six emotions at any
moment, each of us has a propensity to feel some emotions more than
others. Take my mom. Her usual reaction to any event was fear; she
constantly worried about my dad, my brother, me, and almost anything,
bless her heart. Whenever my father was late getting home from work
and my mother heard on the radio that there had been an accident on
the bridge near our house, she immediately envisioned that something
horrible had happened to my dad. She was what I call a “fear gal.”
Imagine a shy college student who is turned down by a dozen sorori-
ties. It’s a hurt or loss, so of course she feels sadness. If she doesn’t allow
herself to acknowledge her pain and cry constructively, she focuses on feel-
ing rejected and begins to view herself harshly. Her unexpressed sadness

10. EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 9
manifests in feeling unworthy, which shows up in her thoughts, words,
and actions. If she doesn’t handle her sadness in a healthy way, her low
self-esteem can become a chronic condition that colors her every move.
Some of us will recognize ourselves in my description of my mother;
others will identify with the college student, and still others will see
themselves reflected in the angry father. The idea of an emotional con-
stitution has its parallel in Ayurvedic medicine, the ancient system of
self-health and healing from India. Ayurveda proposes that all aspects
of nature can be viewed in terms of three elements—Kapha, Pitta, and
Vata—which correlate with the emotions of sadness, anger, and fear.
This quiz will give you a picture of the levels of dominance of sadness,
anger, and fear in your emotional constitution. If you are going through
a particularly stressful time, your results might be slightly skewed, but in
general, they will reflect your basic emotional constitution. Be as honest
with yourself as possible in taking the quiz.

11. 10 AN OVERVIEW
The Quick Questionnaire:
What’s My Emotional Constitution?
Using the scale below, rate yourself from 1 to 5 on each item.
1 = almost never
2 = occasionally
3 = about half the time
4 = often
5 = almost always
Score Set Total
Set A
1. I feel unworthy. ____
2. I depend on others for approval. ____
3. I make negative self-judgments. ____
4. I am passive. ____ ____
Set B
1. I focus on the outside world. ____
2. I don’t accept people and situations as they are. ____
3. I make negative judgments of what is. ____
4. I am selfish. ____ ____
Set C
1. I focus on the future or past. ____
2. I overgeneralize. ____
3. I lose sight of what is true or real. ____
4. I attempt to control. ____ ____
Using the same scale, rate how often you feel:
Sadness____ Anger____ Fear____
Joy____ Love____ Peace____

12. EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 11
Interpreting Your Results
Add up your numbers for each set of questions. The actual numerical
total for each set is not as significant as the way the three totals compare
to one another. If your highest total is for the first four questions (Set
A), your predominant emotion is sadness. If your highest score is for the
second four questions (Set B), your strongest emotion is anger. If your
highest total is for the last four questions (Set C), your ruling emotion is
fear.
If your scores are equally high for two sets of questions, you have two
dominant emotions. My friend Sally is a perfect example of a person
with a fear-sadness constitution. I’ve rarely ever seen her angry; she’s too
busy getting things done, brooding, and putting an inordinate amount of
pressure on herself. Some folks have a constitution equally proportioned
among the three emotions. They have a sadness-anger-fear constitution
and at any moment may lead with any of these three emotions.
Look at how you rated yourself on sadness, anger, and fear at the bot-
tom of the page. Do these scores correlate with the three totals above?
And how about your scores for joy, love, and peace? If your rating for joy
is high, your score for its opposite, sadness, will probably be low. Like-
wise, if your rating for love is high, your score for its opposite, anger, will
probably be low. And if your rating for peace is high, your score for its
opposite, fear, is usually low.
Your answers reflect the emotions you feel as you deal with life’s
twists and turns. When you hear that your partner got in another fender
bender, do you feel blue (sadness)? Do you tend to lash out at him about
what a reckless driver he is (anger)? Or do you freak out and fret that
she’ll lose her license (fear)?
Emotions Drive the Mind
Each emotion steers the mind in a certain predictable direction.That
is to say, our emotions determine where we focus our attention.

13. 12 AN OVERVIEW
The Focus Associated with Each Emotion
Emotions Focus
Sadness & Joy Yourself
Anger & Love Other people and situations
Fear & Peace Time
Each pair of emotions automatically directs your attention toward
yourself, other people and situations, or time. Whether you view the
focus destructively or constructively depends on the emotion you’re
experiencing.
The first pair of emotions—sadness and joy—turns our attention
inward onto ourselves. When we experience sadness in our bodies but
don’t express it physically, our minds immediately and automatically
start to entertain less than positive thoughts about ourselves. We might
regard ourselves as stupid, inadequate, and unlovable. Reciprocally, when
we experience joy, we naturally feel good about ourselves. In moments
of joy, we know in every cell of our bodies that we’re living life to its full
potential. Remember how truly ecstatic you felt when you finished run-
ning your first marathon (or another goal you prepared for)? What did
you know about yourself then? You probably felt fabulous about your
own abilities and knew you could handle whatever would arise.
The focus of the emotions of anger and love is outward. They move
our attention to other people and situations. We direct our unprocessed
anger externally by finger-pointing and making negative judgments.
Unexpressed anger makes us feel self-righteous, behaving as if our way
is the only way. Conversely, when feeling love, we focus outward as well,
but we respect and appreciate people and situations, and feel expansive,
receptive, and open. We’re attuned to what is helpful, compassionate,
and kind—and we do those things.
Fear and peace turn our focus to time. Unexpressed fear propels us
out of the present moment and into a dreaded future or dwelled-upon

14. EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 13
past. If not dealt with, fear distorts our perspective on reality so that
we exaggerate dangers and minimize the potential for safety. We over-
generalize, using such words as “always,” “never,” “everybody,” and “no
one.” In contrast, when we feel peace, our attention fully resides in the
present moment. We think in terms of specifics and when we don’t need
to think, our minds are still. We feel safe, knowing we’ll be all right no
matter what.
Mental Tendencies
Each emotion’s focus carries with it four mental tendencies or core
beliefs. How did I come up with these? I observed the entire range of
people’s behaviors as they experienced each emotion. I found that all
the ways they felt, thought, spoke, and acted fell into a few categories. I
concluded that all of our destructive attitudes boil down to twelve men-
tal tendencies. The four associated with sadness are about ourselves, the
four associated with anger are about other people and situations, and the
four associated with fear are about time.
Similarly, all our constructive attitudes can be reduced to twelve
opposing mental tendencies. There are four about ourselves associated
with joy; four about other people and situations associated with love;
and four about time associated with peace. These mental tendencies,
constructive and destructive, are the default settings that define our per-
sonalities, actions, and reactions.

15. 14
The Twelve Pairs of Mental Tendencies
Focus: Yourself
Sadness Joy
Unworthy Worthy
Dependent on others for approval Self-reliant
Judge self negatively Appreciate and respect self
Passive Speak up and take action
Focus: People and Situations
Anger Love
Focus on the outside world Open-hearted
Don’t accept people and situations Accept people and situations
Make negative judgments of what is Appreciate and respect what is
Selfish Selfless giving
Focus: Time
Fear Peace
Live in the future or past Reside in the present
Overgeneralize Stay specific
Lose sight of what is true or real Keep sight of what is true or real
Attempt to control Observe, enjoy, allow, and participate
I’ve already explained that fear and peace bring our mental focus
onto time, but how we view the present, past, or future when feeling
these two emotions is very different. When we feel fear and don’t express
the emotional energy physically, we lose sight of reality—what we knew
very clearly at an earlier time and place. For example, you might lose

16. EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 15
sight of the fact that the fancy dessert you’re about to eat has at least six
hundred calories and is counter to your goal of losing ten pounds. Or
you might forget that if you stay up until two in the morning playing on
the computer, you won’t feel sharp for your early-morning staff meeting.
Conversely, when you feel peace, your mental focus is still on time, but
you remember reality. You don’t impulsively give into the temptation to
eat the fancy dessert. You remember that you need at least seven hours
of sleep to feel your best, so you are in bed by eleven.
Our mental tendencies manifest in how we think, speak, and act.
They perpetuate our emotions, both constructive and destructive. For
example, if you think well of every person you meet and volunteer read-
ily to help others, you will feel love. Reciprocally, if you primarily dwell
on the half-empty and feel justified in rebelling against the law, you will
perpetuate your anger.
The Mental Tendencies Associated with
Sadness, Anger, and Fear
In the next pages, you’ll find sections of the blueprint showing the
mental tendencies, feelings, words, and actions associated with sadness,
anger, and fear. First is the part for sadness.
Emotion Focus DESTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES
Expression Attitude FEELINGS WORDS ACTIONS
UNWORTHY
S Empty
Inadequate
• I’m no good.
• I’m not enough.
• Think and talk poorly about yourself
• Create false impressions
A Unlovable
• There’s something wrong with me. • Feel disconnected from who you are
D YOURSELF
Lonely
DEPEND ON OTHERS FOR APPROVAL
• Show me you love me. • Please others at own expense
N Insecure • I’ll do anything to keep you happy. • Cling to other people
• Tell me I’m okay. • Seek validation and compliments
Needy
E Don't
JUDGE SELF NEGATIVELY
S
Self-loathing • I should have known or done better. • Set unrealistic expectations for
honor Stupid • I’m stupid. I’m pathetic. yourself
• I hate myself when I make mistakes. • Put yourself down and beat self up
Ashamed
S yourself • Demand perfection from yourself
PASSIVE
crying
Helpless • Poor me. • Play the submissive victim
sobbing • I can’t do anything about this. • Fail to follow through
Incapable
wailing • I don’t know how. It’s bigger than me. • Avoid confrontation
Unassertive
frowning

17. 16
The mental tendencies associated with sadness boil down to the
four ways we don’t honor ourselves. People with sadness constitutions
are intimately familiar with these mental tendencies. Mental tendency
number one is to believe deep down that you are unworthy, incompetent,
and empty. You feel bad about yourself regardless of what you have, look
like, or achieve. In essence, this mental tendency robs us of the knowl-
edge that we are whole and complete, no matter what. This is because
we confuse our pure, inner selves—what remains constant—with our
accomplishments, qualities, and characteristics.
Second, because we don’t have a solid sense of our true worth, we
look to others for validation and satisfaction. We sacrifice our own
wants, needs, and beliefs to keep other people happy, usually because we
don’t want them to have a negative emotional reaction. We need them
to approve of us and not reject or abandon us.
The third mental tendency we have when in the grip of sadness is to
judge ourselves negatively and feel bad about what we have done, said, or
thought. We’re mercilessly hard on ourselves, especially when we make
a mistake. “I’m a loser.” “I’m dumb.” Our negative assessments are laced
with unrealistic expectations and “shoulds,” such as, “I shouldn’t have
done that” or, “What made me say that?”
The fourth and last thing that happens when we stifle the physical
expression of sadness is that we see ourselves as passive and act accord-
ingly. We view ourselves as insignificant and find it hard to speak up and
take action. For example, say you’ve been looking for a new apartment
for several months. Several places you thought were perfect were given
to other people. Increasingly, you feel like a helpless victim, at the mercy
of the big, cruel world. Before you know it, you’ve quit exercising, started
binging on comfort food, and stopped following up on housing leads.
Anger works in similar ways.The mental tendencies and the feelings,
thoughts, and actions associated with anger appear in the excerpt from
the Attitude Reconstruction Blueprint on the following page.

18. EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 17
Emotion Focus DESTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES
Expression Attitude FEELINGS WORDS ACTIONS
A
OUTWARD FOCUS
Jealous • You make me so mad. • Blame / ridicule / justify
Blaming • You are the problem. • Make “you” statements
N PEOPLE
AND
Alienated
• What do they have? say? think? • Compare yourself to others
G
DON’T ACCEPT PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS
SITUATIONS
Intolerant • You should be different. • Have unrealistic expectations
Disappointed • It’s not supposed to be like this. • Give unsolicited advice / opinions
E Frustrated
• I don’t believe it. • Reject others and withhold yourself
R Refuse to
Resentful
MAKE NEGATIVE JUDGMENTS OF WHAT IS
• You are a loser. • Expect the worst
Critical • Right-Wrong / Fair-Unfair / Good- • Label people and things negatively
Bad • Be sarcastic / critical / cynical
accept Disgusted • It’s not enough.
hot
aggressive people and
SELFISH
hitting situations Stubborn • Me. Me. Me. • Act as if you are more important
stomping • My way or I won't play. • Be vain / pushy / insensitive
Rebellious
shouting • I'm special. • Don’t listen / opinionated
Arrogant
pounding
When we feel anger but don’t deal with the energy constructively,
our attention tends to go outward onto other people, things, and situa-
tions in four predictable negative ways. The first thing the mind does is
to look for something or someone “out there” to blame. When your car
breaks down, it’s the mechanic’s fault. When you have a falling out with
your cousin, it’s because she’s jealous that you have a boyfriend.
The second mental tendency associated with anger is a refusal to
accept people and situations as they are. When consumed by anger, we
hang on to the notion that he, she, it, or they “should” be different. We’re
full of unrealistic expectations that inflame our anger when unmet. We
think, “They shouldn’t have said what they did” or, “It shouldn’t be this
way.”
The third mental tendency associated with unprocessed anger is that
we negatively judge and label what we don’t accept because it doesn’t
conform to our point of view. “It’s not okay,” we righteously rage, “it’s
not fair.” We label what we don’t like as “bad,” “silly,” or “wrong.”
Finally, the fourth belief we take on when in anger’s grip is the belief
that we should get whatever we want and that we know better than
anyone else. (Here is where our ego resides.) We’re the center of the
universe, and we selfishly look out for our own interests at the expense

19. 18
of others. We think that we have the right to tell others how to run their
lives. “I’m the smartest person,” we arrogantly tell ourselves. “If everyone
just agreed with me, then everything would be fine.”
We are often under the influence of several mental tendencies
simultaneously. Let’s say you’ve just finished a frustrating telephone con-
versation with your mother-in-law. You walk into the next room where
your teenage daughter is sitting. Without even taking in what she’s
doing, you start talking about how pathetic her grandmother is (the first
mental tendency associated with anger: directing your energy outward
against other people and situations). Your daughter, worried about her
test tomorrow, doesn’t agree with you, and responds by whining about her
homework. You tell her to knock that off (the second mental tendency
associated with anger: don’t accept people and situations), then call her a
“crybaby” (the third mental tendency: make negative judgments). When
she protests, you reply that if she’d just listen to you, she’d be a better
person (the fourth mental tendency: selfishness). All the mental tenden-
cies associated with anger manifested in this one everyday interaction.
Next is the part of the blueprint about fear and its mental tendencies.
Emotion Focus DESTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES
Expression Attitude FEELINGS WORDS ACTIONS
LIVE IN THE FUTURE OR PAST
F Worried
Anxious
• What if…
• I don't want to feel this feeling.
• Avoid expressing emotions
• Be speedy / impulsive / busy
E Distracted • I've got to get out of here. • Escape reality through addictions
A
TIME OVERGENERALIZE
Dramatic • It's always like that. • Go on tangents
Overwhelmed • This is too much. • Exaggerate or minimize issues
R
• Nothing ever works out. • Jump to conclusions
Scattered
Live in past LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT IS TRUE OR REAL
or future, Indecisive • Maybe this, maybe that. • Doubt excessively
Confused • I don't care. It doesn't matter. • Procrastinate / fail to take action
cold and over- • I'll handle it tomorrow. • Act without regard for consequences
Conflicted
shivering generalize
quivering
ATTEMPT TO CONTROL
laughing
Impatient • If I don't do it, it won't get done. • Dominate or manipulate
nervously Rigid • Things are out of control. • Behave obsessively / compulsively
breathing • I’ve got to be in charge. • Plan excessively
Panicked
irregularly

20. EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 19
What happens when we don’t rid our bodies of the physical energy of
fear? Well, our minds don’t turn it against us as they do with sadness, or
target other people and situations as they do with anger. With fear, our
minds catapult helter-skelter through time, jettisoning out of the pres-
ent. We ruminate about the past or attempt to outguess the future. The
agitation we experience throughout our bodies is reflected in our actions,
speech, and thoughts. We act rashly. We can’t stop talking, or we freeze
into confused silence. Our thoughts run at hyperspeed or blank out from
overload. We jump to future what ifs and if onlys, which result in doubts,
worries, and unrealistic fantasies. Or we go wading into the murky waters
of the past by rehashing and analyzing, regretting what was.
Second, unexpressed fear leads our minds to overgeneralize and deal
in global abstractions such as always, never, and everyone. We assume
all experiences will be like this one or that a particular feeling will last
forever. We become masters at what I call “lumping,” dragging other
topics into a current situation and drawing sweeping conclusions, such
as “everything’s always difficult.” We resort to abstractions when we’re
arguing. By the end of the conversation, we’ve brought in dozens of top-
ics and handled none.
Third, when in fear’s clutches, we have a tendency to lose sight of
what is true or real. We fail to remember that our current situation will
pass. For example, if you have a spat with your spouse, you can get con-
sumed with how distant you feel, forgetting that you do love him or her.
Instead of working to resolve the conflict, you might spend your time
fantasizing about having an affair.
The last tactic our minds take when we have unexpressed fear is
to try to control. When things seem out of control, we feel driven to
do whatever we can to minimize that uncomfortable, scary, free-falling
feeling that stems from realizing that some force bigger than us is ulti-
mately running the show. We may gain an illusion of control by having a
spotless desk, or we may feel as if we have to have complete power over
every aspect of a project or every bite we eat.

21. 20 AN OVERVIEW
The Mental Tendencies Associated with Joy,
Love, and Peace
Just as there are twelve predictable mental tendencies associated
with sadness, anger, and fear, there are twelve mental tendencies linked
to joy, love, and peace. In the section of the blueprint below, you will find
the four mental tendencies associated with joy, the opposite of sadness.
Emotion Focus CONSTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES
Expression Attitude FEELINGS WORDS ACTIONS
WORTHY
Happy • I am whole and complete. • Identify with your true self
Full • I’m okay no matter what. • Know you are not your actions, roles,
J
• What I am seeking is within me. traits, and body
Lovable • Think well of yourself
O
SELF-RELIANT
YOURSELF
Independent • My job is to take care of myself. • Fulfill your own needs and desires
• Only if I take care of myself can I truly • Speak and act in line with your intuition
Y
Confident
take care of you. • Enjoy independent activities
Authentic • I am alone and I am connected.
APPRECIATE AND RESPECT SELF
Self-accepting • Life is for learning. We all make • Celebrate accomplishments
Honor mistakes. • Learn from mistakes
Self-respect
• I did the best I could at the time. • Be gentle with yourself
yourself Delighted • I love / accept myself unconditionally.
smiling
bubbling
SPEAK UP AND TAKE ACTION
sparkling
Powerful • My views are equally important. • Set goals and follow through
laughing • I am responsible for what I do, think, • Speak up about what's true for you
Assertive
exuberantly say, and feel. • Face obstacles head on
Capable • I can do this. I can handle this.
tears
Joy’s mental tendencies are about truly honoring ourselves. The first,
the most fundamental tendency, is feeling worthy, meaning that we know
we are fine, okay, perfect deep down, no matter what. In spite of chang-
ing circumstances, actions, or economic conditions, we stay grounded in
the knowledge that we’re whole and complete. We possess unshakably
high self-esteem.
The second mental tendency associated with joy is being self-reliant
and independent, following our inner wisdom regardless of others’ opin-
ions. Rather than operating from a need for validation, which puts us at
the mercy of real and imagined external pressures, we’re guided by what
we know in our hearts when we aren’t under the spell of sadness. We live
our lives committed to honesty and personal integrity.
The third mental tendency associated with joy is that when some-

22. 21
thing sad happens or we do something we regret, we continue to accept,
respect, and appreciate ourselves. Even when we slip or fail, we choose to
show infinite compassion for ourselves and remain our own best allies.
The fourth mental tendency is a willingness to take personal respon-
sibility. We courageously speak up and take action in line with what we
know within is highest and noblest, rather than what is easy or familiar.
Moving on to the next emotion, the blueprint excerpt below shows
the mental tendencies and the feelings, thoughts, and actions associated
with love.
Emotion Focus CONSTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES
Expression Attitude FEELINGS WORDS ACTIONS
OPEN HEARTED
Honest • My focus is myself. My domain is me. • Obey your intuition
L Centered • What is most loving? What is the • Speak honestly about yourself
high road? • Act with integrity
Genuine • What does my intuition tell me?
PEOPLE
O AND ACCEPT PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS
SITUATIONS Satisfied • People and things are the way they are. • Have realistic expectations of others
V Tolerant • This is the way it is. • Give opinions only with permission
• We are all on our own paths. • Encourage others
Forgiving
E Kind
APPRECIATE AND RESPECT WHAT IS
• I love you. I like you. • Be kind to people and things
Accept Compassionate • We are all connected. • Offer praise and show gratitude
• Thank you. • Attend to the positive
Grateful
people and
warm
situations GIVE SELFLESSLY
open
Humble • How can I help? What can I do? • Listen lovingly
soft tone • Your viewpoints and needs are as • Serve / support / cooperate
Caring
happy eyes Generous
important as mine. • Show friendliness and affection
• I wish you well.
smiling
The mental tendencies associated with love have to do with feeling
wholeheartedly connected to other people, things, and situations. When
we feel love, we operate from an open heart. We use what is true within
as a compass instead of making decisions based on what external pres-
sures dictate or what we think others want or need.
The second mental tendency is that we accept people and things as
they are—even someone’s insensitivities, shady political maneuvers, or
blatant disregard for another’s well-being. Acceptance does not mean
you have to agree with another person, but it does mean you have to fully
understand their point of view. A stance of true acceptance provides the

23. 22 AN OVERVIEW
foundation to find and then take the kind of action that will increase
love in any situation.
The third mental tendency associated with love is that we value
everyone and everything that exists as we do ourselves. Because we
believe that all people are fundamentally the same, we treat others as
equals, focus on similarities, feel our interconnection, and look for the
good in our world.
The last mental tendency of love is to give selflessly, seek win-win
solutions, and share without any ulterior motive besides generating and
feeling more love.
Remember that earlier scene, where you and your daughter had an
unpleasant interaction over her homework? Here’s the same scene when
you’re feeling love rather than anger. Although your mother-in-law was
a little testy on the phone, you feel empathy, recognizing that she has not
been feeling very well (first mental tendency associated with love: open-
heartedness). When your daughter whines, you quickly realize and accept
that she is feeling anxious (the second mental tendency associated with
love: accept people and situations) and choose to view her wrestling with
her homework with compassion (the third mental tendency: appreciate
and respect other people and situations). You offer her genuine under-
standing, and decide that it’s more important to spend a few minutes
encouraging and helping her to conquer what seems difficult than to start
on your dinner preparations (the fourth mental tendency: selfless giving).
The last section of the blueprint shows you the mental tendencies and
the feelings, thoughts, and actions associated with peace.

24. EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 23
Emotion Focus CONSTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES
Expression Attitude FEELINGS WORDS ACTIONS
P Calm
RESIDE IN THE PRESENT
• Everything is / will be all right. • Deal with emotions constructively
E
Content • This feeling is temporary. This • Calmly handle whatever happens
Alert situation will pass. • Pause to hear your intuition
• Stop. Breathe. Slow down.
A TIME
Clear • One thing at a time.
STAY SPECIFIC
• Think and speak in concrete terms
C Focused • I'll handle the future in the future. • Focus on one thing at a time
• Be concrete. What's the specific? • Make and take small doable steps
Effective
E Stay
Stable
KEEP SIGHT OF WHAT IS TRUE OR REAL
• This is what's true for me. • Stay motivated to accomplish goals
calm present
Committed • I am responsible for my experience. • Persevere
silent and • My actions have consequences. • Act with conviction / passion
Directed
still specific
alert
OBSERVE, ALLOW, PARTICIPATE, AND ENJOY
aware
Patient • I am part of a greater whole. • Feel centered and safe no matter
smiling Trusting • Everything is unfolding in its time. what happens
breathing • There is enough time. • Participate with humor, levity, creativity
Flexible • Show faith and trust
fully
The emotion of peace is related to living fully in the moment and
seeing life in terms of specifics. When we feel peace, our minds slow
down and reside wholly in the present—peace’s first mental tendency.
Slowing down and pausing allow us to meet the stillness, fullness, and
the miraculousness of right now.
The second mental tendency associated with peace is to refrain from
making global assumptions, fretting about possible implications, or
talking in abstractions. Instead, we stay specific. By remaining concrete
and breaking things down into a series of small doable units, we can
keep things manageable and accomplish almost anything. By remain-
ing specific, we can navigate any topic of conversation, no matter how
emotionally charged.
The third mental tendency of peace is that we stay anchored in real-
ity and don’t lose perspective when we feel overcome with emotions. We
remember that we need to finish a class, even if we find it boring and its
assignments unreasonable. We hold fast to our goal of getting in good
physical shape, even when we’d prefer to lounge around at home rather
than go to the gym.

25. 24
The last mental tendency of peace is spontaneous participation in
our precious lives and the natural flow with a sense of both playful-
ness and responsibility. With equanimity, humor, and passion, we make
something meaningful out of whatever we are dealt.
The Ultimate Attitudes
The four mental tendencies associated with each emotion can be
reduced to a single statement. When we are mired in sadness, we don’t
honor ourselves. When we are possessed by anger, we lose our focus on
ourselves and don’t accept people and situations. When fear overtakes
us, we jump into the past or future and resort to generalities. These three
destructive ultimate attitudes keep us from being in touch with our-
selves; perpetuate sadness, anger, and fear; and keep us from feeling joy,
love, and peace.
The Three Ultimate Attitudes Associated with Sadness,
Anger, and Fear
Emotion Ultimate Attitudes
Sadness Don’t honor yourself
Anger Refuse to accept people and situations
Fear Live in the past or future and overgeneralize
The mental tendencies associated with joy, love, and peace can also
be summed up in three constructive ultimate attitudes. These attitudes
are universally held values that show up in virtually every culture and
spiritual tradition as the goals to which human beings aspire.They might
sound like airy-fairy notions, pie-in-the-sky clichés, or New Age jargon,
but the constructive ultimate attitudes are well within our reach. We can
use them to guide our every choice.

26. EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 25
The Three Ultimate Attitudes Associated with Joy,
Love, and Peace
Emotions Ultimate Attitudes
Joy Honor yourself
Love Accept people and situations
Peace Stay present and specific
When you feel joy, you feel pretty darn good about yourself. This is
how we begin life. Think about an innocent child. She knows that she
is wonderful. She doesn’t disagree when you tell her how beautiful she
is. She naturally thinks well of herself, speaks up for her own interests,
and follows her own inner beat. Likewise, when you’re feeling love for
someone, you naturally accept the person as he or she is, relish what you
share in common, and generously share with others. And finally, when
you are sitting on the beach with a good book and not a care in the
world—no deadlines, no conflicts, no pressures—what is your attitude?
You are present. You relish the moment. How do you feel? Calm and
relaxed. Right here, right now. Peace!
We can make huge strides just by becoming aware of our destructive
ultimate attitudes and replacing them with their constructive counter-
parts. For instance, if you have a sadness constitution or notice that you
are not being kind to yourself, you can remind yourself, “Oops. There I
am putting myself down. I’ll feel better if I say something nice to myself
right now.” If you have an anger constitution and you’re being argumen-
tative and not listening to what someone else is saying, you could say to
yourself, “There I am arguing rather than accepting. It’s time to be quiet
and understand her position, because I want to feel more connected.” Or
if you have a fear constitution and realize you’re worrying about some-
thing in the future, you could remind yourself, “I’m worrying. I’ll enjoy
myself more if I focus on what I can do right now.”