How Can A Parent Find Peace Of Mind

CONTENTS HOW CAN A
A Wonderful But
Difficult Challenge . . . . . . . . 2
PARENT FIND
Marks Of A PEACE OF
Lost Perspective . . . . . . . . . 3
Does The Bible MIND?
Promise Good Results? . . . . 4
How Can A Parent

F
Find Peace Of Mind? . . . . . . 6 ew experiences are more
Accepting A Limited wonderful and difficult
Guarantee . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 than raising children.
Learning How To Play Solomon recognized both
The Game . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
sides when he said, “A wise
Going Back To School . . . 10
Learning From son makes a glad father, but
The Family Pet . . . . . . . . 12 a foolish son is the grief of his
Living By A Contract . . . . 14 mother” (Prov. 10:1).
Bringing Our Children For this challenge, the
To Tears . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Bible offers wisdom. Nowhere is
Working Like
A Farmer . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 there more realism than in the
Accepting The Role experiences of Abraham, Sarah,
Of A Priest . . . . . . . . . . . 20 David, the father and mother
Growing Like Grapes of the prodigal son, and others.
On A Vine . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Nowhere is there more
Looking For Teachable
Moments . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 understanding and comfort
Dying A Thousand than in the Father of heaven
Deaths . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 who patiently loves and waits
Preparing For in the lives of His own growing
An Empty Nest . . . . . . . 28 children.
Being Late Rather
Than Never . . . . . . . . . . 30 Martin R. De Haan II
Whose Child Are You?. . . . 32
Managing Editor: David Sper Cover Photo: Mark Gervase/Getty Images
Scripture quotations are from the New King James Version, ©1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas
Nelson, Inc., Publishers
Copyright © 1991, 2001 RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, Michigan Printed in USA

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

A WONDERFUL • SUCCESS AS A PARENT IS
BUT DIFFICULT LIVING LONG ENOUGH TO
BE A PROBLEM TO YOUR
CHALLENGE CHILDREN.
Behind the humor there

L
ooking back, few is heartbreak, sleepless
grandparents will say nights, and broken dreams.
that being a parent The tough part of this
was easy. Many, however, subject for any parent is
will say that parenting has that our children are so
been and continues to be close to our hearts. Many of
one of the most rewarding us will quickly acknowledge
experiences of their life. that nothing is as important
Others have said that as our children. More than
knowing what they know a few moms and dads will
now, they wouldn’t have say that nothing else
children again. Some matters if their children are
well-known surveys have not happy. Nothing else
shown that parental matters if a son or daughter
disillusionment is fairly is sick, or hurt, or afraid.
widespread. Newspaper Much of this parental
columns and radio and concern is healthy. It goes
television talk programs with the territory of loving
continue to show that enough to care about your
there’s probably more than children. At some point,
a smile behind the following however, the care can also
bumper stickers: become unhealthy. At some
• HAPPINESS IS SPENDING point the worry over a
YOUR CHILDREN’S difficult child can become
INHERITANCE BEFORE consuming—and a warning
THEY DO. of a lost perspective.
2

MARKS OF understandable, it’s not
A LOST healthy when a troubled
parent lives with the
PERSPECTIVE following convictions:
It Wasn’t Supposed To

A
lthough all mothers Be This Way. All too often,
and fathers experience parents idealize what it
moments of parental means to be a good mom or
frustration and anger, many dad. Many of us have
have said they’d be willing unrealistic expectations of
to do anything to assure the parenting process. We
their children’s happiness. assume that if we are good
It’s not uncommon for parents we will have good
parents to wish they could children—now. Such hopes
give their own lives for the and assurances are not
what wise and loving
So much of our parenting is all about.
parental anxiety is Nothing Else Is
Important. It is possible not
rooted in unrealistic only to idealize the process
expectations. of parenting, but also to
idolize our children. As
sake of their child. These important as our sons and
are often well-meant daughters are, they are not
expressions of love, and go all-important. We cannot
with the territory of being a allow them to become the
mom or dad. consuming focus of our
At some point, though, lives. We cannot afford to
perspective can be lost. let our children’s immature
Although the concern choices come between
and heartbreak is our relationship with our
3

spouse, or our own Father would be a mistake to think
in heaven. that when we change our
Our Children’s ways our children will
Problems Reflect Our change as well.
Mistakes. While we all All Hope Is Lost. The
bequeath to our children experience of Job helps us
our own human nature, it is in another way. In time, he
unwise to assume that our learned that his moments of
children’s problems are darkness and despair did
always in proportion to our not write the last chapter of
own mistakes. his life. In time, the God
In the Old Testament who had been so silent—for
story of Job, a troubled His own reasons—did
man’s three friends wrongly speak. And He spoke with
assumed that what had great affection.
happened to Job and his
children was the result of There is no rule
Job’s own sin. His friends that our children’s
understood the moral
principle that “what we problems are in
plant, we harvest.” But they proportion to our
were wrong in assuming own mistakes.
that the problems that came
on Job’s family were in Many parents have
proportion to Job’s sin. discovered that the difficult
If, in our concern for our times are not forever. In
children, we become aware time, they have learned the
of our own wrongs, we can value of waiting on God
do nothing better than to while relying on His
admit our failures and strength to love and to
commit to change. But it care with wisdom.
4

DOES THE BIBLE of influence a parent has
PROMISE GOOD on an impressionable child.
There is some truth in each
RESULTS? view. At the very least, this
proverb reflects that if

O
ne of the most you give a child a good
quoted parenting beginning by training him
principles of the in a manner appropriate to
Bible is found in Proverbs his own distinct needs, then
22:6. There Solomon, the the positive influence of this
wise King of Israel said, early training will remain
“Train up a child in the way with him for the rest of his
he should go, and when he life. He will never be able
is old he will not depart to get away from what the
from it.” In the Hebrew parent has impressed on
language this literally says him. That doesn’t mean
that if you train up (initiate, the adult child will always
imbue, consecrate, or comply with his parents’
dedicate) a child in his influence, but he will carry
own way (with regard for the memory of their training
his own temperament with him until the day he
and individual needs at dies.
each stage of growth or Overall, the Bible shows
development), when he is that a mature approach to
old (from a word that meant parenting will follow the
“bearded” or “mature”) he example of our heavenly
will not depart from it. Father. He loved as no other
Some take this as a parent has ever loved, while
promise. Others believe it is also giving His children
a general rule of wisdom enough room to make their
that expresses the amount own choices and mistakes.
5

HOW CAN A ACCEPTING
PARENT FIND A LIMITED
GUARANTEE
PEACE OF MIND?

A
s parents who
sometimes find
ourselves
wondering about the
future, we may find
ourselves wishing that
God had assured us of
more predictable results.
It is actually more loving,
however, to parent our Good parenting doesn’t
children without such a guarantee good children.
confidence. By looking at It only assures that our
the way our heavenly children will have the
Father has loved us, we’ll tremendous advantage of
see that parenting is worth having had a good parent.
the effort—not because our Think about the God of the
children always make the Bible. He was a perfect
right choices but because parent. But look at His
we’ve had the opportunity children. Adam and Eve
and privilege and peace were raised in the best of
of loving them the way environments. Yet they
our heavenly Father has threw it all away, went the
loved us. way of the snake, and gave
birth to a murderer.
Then came Israel, a
dearly loved nation who
6

repeatedly and chronically homes and turn out great?
became the incorrigible, Are we as quick to think
rebellious child. that there must have been
Then came the church, some redeeming and
who time after time has determining parental virtue
given her Father a bad that we didn’t see? Or are
name all over the earth. we inclined to think that
Ezekiel the prophet the child rose above his
assumed that a good parent roots and decided that he
can have a child who turns was going to be different?
out bad. He also reminded It is painful enough to
us that a bad parent can bear the concern that loving
have a child who turns parents feel for the well-
out good. He argued being of their children. It is
long and hard against a enough to know that we
deterministic relationship haven’t given our children
between parent and child as much love and patience
(Ezek. 18:1-28). and wisdom as we wish
This “tension of the we had. It is all the more
exception” runs against pathetic, therefore, when
the grain of what we often we are robbed of our peace
expect in parent-child by wrong thinking. It is
relationships. When we see regrettable when parents
a child from a good family experience false guilt
turn out bad, we are because they believe that
inclined to think that there if they do the right things
must have been a dark side their children will always
of parental neglect turn out well. The truth
somewhere. That might be. is that if we do well, our
But what about the children children will be blessed
who come from troubled with a good foundation.
7

LEARNING HOW try to divert attention from
TO PLAY THE GAME their own weaknesses by
blaming others for their
problems. With the latter
approach, parenting
crumbles into excuses like,
“These kids are driving me
crazy. They make me so
mad. Sometimes I think I’m
losing my mind. I know I
shouldn’t yell and scream,
but I can’t help it. They
bring out the worst in me.
Tennis can be played two Besides, I think a lot of my
ways. It can be played with problem is that I came from
the kind of sportsmanship a dysfunctional home. I
that is gracious in winning can’t stop yelling and
and gracious in losing. Or hitting and arguing with
tennis can be played merely those brats. I just don’t
for the win and money. The have it in me.”
latter is the legacy of some Our first parents started
of the young pros who have the ball of blame rolling.
marred the dignity of the Adam blamed Eve. Eve
game with their center-court blamed the snake. The
tantrums, profanity, officials devil-snake undoubtedly
bashing, and bitter excuses. blamed God. But God held
Parents have similar Adam responsible for his
options. They can choices. He made Eve
concentrate on developing accountable for what she
their own self-control, skill, decided to do. The snake
and reactions. Or they can didn’t get off the hook either.
8

Today we are inclined The Scripture also
to say that our parenting shows, however, that being
problems are the result of under the influence of our
our own parents’ mistakes. own parents does not
There may be a lot of truth suspend responsibility for
to that. But a long time ago, how we choose to respond
the Lord taught His people to that influence. It is up to
not to blame others for us to choose whether we
their own choices. He will unconsciously follow
objected to a proverb the example of our parents,
used to diminish a sense consciously aspire to it, or
of personal responsibility deliberately choose another
for one’s own actions: path.
The fathers have eaten
sour grapes, and the It’s not whether
children’s teeth are set we eventually win
on edge (Ezek. 18:2).
Again, that’s not to
or lose our
say that God denies the children, but how
problems we inherit from we play the game
our parents. The Scriptures
certainly allow for the
that counts.
existence of learned or An immature adolescent
biologically inherited son may push us to the
predispositions. God said: limits. An alcoholic father or
I . . . am a jealous God, neurotic mother may hover
visiting the iniquity of the in our memories. But none
fathers on the children of them gives us an excuse
to the third and fourth to be adolescent, angry,
generations of those who argumentative, or abusive
hate Me (Ex. 20:5). in our own behavior.
9

GOING BACK slate” view of childhood.
TO SCHOOL As we pick up the chalk of
parental wisdom, we find
that the blackboard has
become greasy and
unaccepting of our
enthusiastic desire to
write and teach something
wonderful. This resistance
to our teaching will last for
as long as we have our
children. We will find, to
our disappointment, that
Just about the time with few exceptions they
we think we have our learn best when we are
education behind us, along looking the other way.
comes a strong-willed, 25-
pounds-and-growing toddler “The value of
who quickly pushes us to
our wits’ end. Suddenly marriage is not
we find ourselves “back in that adults produce
school” again. We begin to children but
realize that parenting isn’t
just a matter of slowly that children
dumping our accumulated produce adults.”
knowledge into fresh, Peter De Vries
receptive, moldable, hungry
minds. Once again we begin This isn’t the way we
looking for more answers. wanted it. We thought a
We develop a new child should be a fresh
perspective of “the blank and empty document onto
10

which we could transfer all worst isn’t all bad. Our
of the knowledge we wish frayed nerves, anxiety, and
we had taken to heart when anger can do the same thing
we were their age. for us as a headache or a
Yet learning is occurring fever. The temptation to
whether we realize it or shout and scream, or throw
not. We are finally learning around our parental
to understand our own authority (“Because I said
parents. We are finding out so, that’s why!) are symptoms
what it’s like to desperately that must not be ignored.
love a little one who seems
determined to mimic “We never know
our faults while resisting the love of a
our values, expectations,
and dreams. parent until we
We are learning become parents
something about the heart ourselves.”
of God, which overflows H.W. Beecher
with love for the little ones
bearing His name and These reactions tell us
likeness. We are learning that we still have much to
something about His joy. We learn about what God can
are learning about the pain do in us. We need to grow
He feels when He sees His in His insight, His self-
children turn away from His control, His ability to move
loving correction (Isa. 1:2). us with dignity through the
We are learning a lot challenges of leading a little
about ourselves. We find “center of the universe” to
that these little ones are maturity. In the knowledge
bringing out the best in us, that this is good for us,
and the worst. But even the there is peace.
11

LEARNING FROM a hug, or warm approval.
THE FAMILY PET Training a child is
similar. Laying down the
law, threatening with
punishment, and pulling
rank by saying, “Because I
said so, and I’m your father.
That’s why!” only works for
a while. After that, all the
threats in the world are
not apt to make your child
mind. They may incite him
to rebel in your face, and
Before resenting the certainly behind your back.
comparison, think about it.
What does it take to teach There is no peace
a dog to sit up and beg?
How many times would you in merely laying
have to swat a dog with a down the law.
rolled-up newspaper, yell,
argue, or tear him down Children cannot be
with insults? Chances are forced to be good—not
that while you might be indefinitely. In time they
able to keep your dog off will begin doing what they
the couch with a few swats want to do whether you like
of newsprint, the tactic it or not. The key is to help
would fail to get him to sit them want to do the right
up, roll over, or bring your thing so as to adhere to
slippers to you. Even a God’s standards and also
dog won’t learn new tricks to meet their own needs.
unless you give him a treat, Everyone wants to be free,
12

to be important, to just appeal to His authority,
experience pleasure, and He doesn’t. He gives us
to be appreciated. Begin by insight and incentive.
helping them to feel really As a parent, you will
cared for. Encourage them. avoid much frustration by
Spend time with them. realizing the importance of
Do what they enjoy doing. giving your children good
Hold them. Hug them. Do reasons and incentives for
things for them that will right choices. They need to
show them that they are in see how these reasons and
your heart, and that they incentives fit their need
are in your heart for their for pleasure, importance,
good. freedom, and appreciation.
Don’t just give them To withhold them is to
love. Give them boundaries “provoke your children to
designed to protect their wrath” (Eph. 6:4) and to
freedom. Show them what lose your own peace of
happens to people who mind.
refuse to live under the
wise and loving rule of Law minus love
God. Find creative ways
of showing them that the
equals rebellion.
counsel of the Word of Love minus law
God has been given to us equals insecurity.
to meet our deepest needs
and wants.
Love plus law
Help them to discover equals insight
the wisdom of the Proverbs, and incentive.
which show over and over
again in many different
ways that while God could
13

LIVING BY A are exceptions, especially
CONTRACT in the early years.
One of the most
important lessons to be
learned as a parent is
mirrored in the way God
deals with His children.
He is a contract-making
God. He tells us what will
happen if we do what He
tells us to do. Then He
tells us, with sufficient
specificity, what will
Wise parents try not to happen if we refuse. He
make their children behave. offers to help us make good
They realize that they choices if we ask Him for
cannot force their children wisdom and readily offers
to be good any more than a to help us do anything He
horse can be forced to drink wants done that we cannot
water. You can lead the do on our own.
child to be good, but you Central to the whole
can’t make him. That’s the relationship with His
power of the human spirit. children is the matter of
Children who are sitting choice. If His children go
down on the outside can bad, it is their choice to do
still be standing up on the so. When they suffer the
inside. consequences, it is because
This is not to say that they knowingly chose to go
you don’t have to make against His will.
children do things they Put this in a parenting
don’t want to do. There relationship. This is the
14

opposite of trying to bed an hour early, or if they
make all of our children’s are not allowed to go with
decisions for them, and the family to a ballgame—
then trying to jump in and it’s because of their choice,
protect them when they not ours.
have made bad choices. Teaching our children
It is also the opposite of to choose their own path,
just trying to make our and then letting them
children do what we experience the pleasurable
want them to do. or painful results of their
own choices, is one of the
This means most important things we
we can stop can do—not only for them
but also for our own peace
yelling, threatening, of mind.
and repeating To the extent that we do
ourselves. this, we can stop yelling,
threatening, and repeating
The best we can do is to ourselves. It means we
show them clearly what we can stop complaining and
expect, and within what nagging to pick up the pile
period of time. Tell them of clothes in their room. It
what will happen if they means we can lower our
obey. Tell them what will voice and be civilized about
happen if they don’t. our expectations. It is to say,
Then let them choose the “From now on, children, you
consequences. If they end choose how it will be with
up being grounded, if they you. As God fathers us, so
lose television privileges, if we will parent you. We’re
they are not allowed to use here for you, but on these
the car, if they have to go to terms. It’s your move.”
15

BRINGING OUR will not be afraid to bring
CHILDREN TO his child to tears when
TEARS necessary. The timeless
wisdom of Scripture
is clear:
• He who spares his rod
hates his son, but he who
loves him disciplines him
promptly (Prov. 13:24).
• Chasten your son while
there is hope, and do not
set your heart on his
destruction (Prov. 19:18).
• Foolishness is bound up
We live in a day of rampant in the heart of a child,
child abuse. So we have but the rod of correction
been rightly sensitized to will drive it far from him
the dangers of hitting a (Prov. 22:15).
child in anger or using any • The rod and reproof give
instrument, including the wisdom, but a child left to
hand, which might cause himself brings shame to
serious physical injury. It’s his mother (Prov. 29:15).
just as important to realize • Correct your son, and he
that as a child grows older, will give you rest; yes, he
he can be corrected by the will give delight to your
use of previously stated soul (Prov. 29:17).
consequences of his own • Now no chastening
choosing (see pp.14-15). seems to be joyful for the
That is one side of the present, but grievous;
coin. The other side is that nevertheless, afterward it
a wise and loving parent yields the peaceable fruit
16

of righteousness to those bring a child to tears out of
who have been trained by their own selfishness.
it (Heb. 12:11). This means that
These can be hard words parents should not give
for a mom or dad to hear. their children reason to say,
In the short run, it is much “You are not being fair with
easier to indulge our me. You aren’t listening to
children than to put up me. You are demanding
with the fury of their tears more than I can give. You
and complaints. In the are never satisfied. You
short run, it is painful. But overreact to what I have
in the long run, lovingly done wrong. You refuse to
appropriate and timely admit when you are wrong.
correction is necessary I can’t reason with you. You
both for our child’s well- keep changing your mind.
being and for our own
peace of mind. Often, our “Fathers, do not
children are much like the
servant described in the
provoke your
book of Proverbs: children to wrath.”
A servant will not Ephesians 6:4
be corrected by mere
words; for though he You just use your authority
understands, he will as a parent. You are mean
not respond (29:19). and unpredictable. I never
Let’s pray that when we know when you are going to
bring our children to tears it blow up in anger. I’m afraid
will be because of our love of you. You are supposed to
rather than our anger. protect me, but I need
There is no peace of mind protection from you. I hate
promised to parents who you for making me cry.”
17

WORKING LIKE planting. It’s weeding and
A FARMER cultivating and irrigating,
and then waiting on the
heavens until harvest time.
Depending on the year, you
might have a bumper crop.
Other harvests could be
wiped out by bugs,
or disease, or too much
rain, or not enough rain, or
too much heat, or too much
cold.
That’s not to say that
Parenting is more like farming is just a game of
farming than cooking. Good chance. Farming can be very
meals can be prepared in a scientific. Put a loafer or a
couple of hours. And by playboy on the farm and
following a recipe, you you’re almost sure of being
can be fairly certain of the hungry in the fall. A good
outcome. But formulas don’t farmer is a hard worker who
work very well with children. knows what to do with the
To get a model for child- specific crops or animals
rearing, you need to track he’s raising. He doesn’t raise
the bread and beef all the chickens like turkeys, nor
way back to the farm where corn like alfalfa. Above all,
they came from. Now you’re you don’t see him trying
closer to parenting. Parenting quick-recipe formulas with
is far more “barnyard and a “sure thing, can’t miss”
back 40” than sugar and attitude. A good farmer is a
spice. Parenting is plowing humble man. He knows his
and digging and raking and cash crop, but he doesn’t
18

presume upon the outcome. might have ten thousand
All he knows is what his instructors in Christ, yet
responsibility is at each step you do not have many
of the way. If he gets a fathers; for in Christ
bumper crop, it’s because Jesus I have begotten
he did the right things that you through the gospel.
were under his control, and Therefore I urge you,
also because the things that imitate me (3:5-6,8;
weren’t under his control fell 4:12,14-16).
in line. Paul was thinking of
The apostle Paul alluded spiritual parenting, which is
to this farming model in his different from raising your
first New Testament letter to own children. But there are
the Corinthians: strong parallels. In both
Who then is Paul, and cases you must do the right
who is Apollos, but thing, work hard, wait on
ministers through whom God for the harvest, and
you believed, as the realize that you will be
Lord gave to each one? rewarded— not for the
I planted, Apollos results but for the loving
watered, but God gave nurturing you have given.
the increase. . . . Now he Peace of mind is found
who plants and he who not in trying to force quick
waters are one, and each growth but in realizing that
one will receive his own parenting is a long process
reward according to his of providing what our little
own labor. . . . And we ones need, while waiting
labor, working with our on them and God for the
own hands. . . . as my results. There is no peace
beloved children I warn or productivity in trying to
you. For though you speed up the harvest.
19

ACCEPTING THE In some ways, the
ROLE OF A PRIEST thought that our children
are not our own isn’t very
comforting. We know what
it feels like to be concerned
about returning a borrowed
car or lawnmower that is
worse for the wear. On the
other hand, realizing that
our children are the Lord’s
is a very liberating thought.
It means that the child’s
rightful owner will make
The Old Testament priest sure that I have all the
Eli raised a child who resources I need to care for
was not his own (1 Sam. the child in God’s behalf.
1:24–2:21). For several Parents are also like Eli
years, Eli acted as a parent in that they are like priests.
to a young boy named In Hebrews 5:1-4 we are
Samuel. But Samuel was shown that a priest
only a trust placed in intercedes in behalf of his
Eli’s care. In a sense, we people, and that he does so
have a similar relationship in the awareness of his own
to our children. They are weakness. Because he
like everything else we knows his own problems,
have in our possession. he can be sympathetic and
In reality, they are not our compassionate in dealing
own. Our children have with those who come to
been placed in our care him for help. The author of
temporarily by the Lord Hebrews wrote this about
to be raised for Him. the high priest:
20

He can have compassion our children to be better
on those who are than we were. We might
ignorant and going long for them to make good
astray, since he himself choices. We might pray that
is also beset by weakness. they will be wiser than their
Because of this he is years. But we haven’t
required as for the people, always been wise and
so also for himself, to wonderful. We’ve been
offer for sins (Heb. 5:2-3). where our children now are.
Since this was spoken We’ve been just as foolish,
about priests who served just as shortsighted, just as
prior to the coming of naive. What we have to
Christ, our great High offer them is not a perfect
Priest, some might think
it outdated. Yet, the
same author also said Parents can have
of Christ: peace of mind
We do not have a High
Priest who cannot
when they have
sympathize with our prayed for the
weaknesses, but was in children placed
all points tempted as we
are, yet without sin
in their care.
(Heb. 4:15).
The New Testament example, but sympathetic,
now calls the children of compassionate hearts that
God a kingdom of priests continually go out to them
(1 Pet. 2:5,9). in love and to God their
Think of the implications heavenly Father—and
for a parent. It doesn’t rightful owner—on their
make sense for us to expect behalf.
21

GROWING LIKE goodness, faithfulness,
GRAPES ON A VINE gentleness, self-control.
Against such there is no
law. And those who are
Christ’s have crucified
the flesh with its passions
and desires. If we live
in the Spirit, let us
also walk in the Spirit
(Gal. 5:22-25).
The reason Paul’s words
are so important for parents
is that they not only reflect
The secret of the fruit is in the qualities that assure
the branch and root. Good good parenting, but they
parenting is the fruit of also point to resources of
good character that is the Spirit we don’t have to
rooted and growing in God find in ourselves or in our
Himself. The Bible calls this own experience. If Paul is
character the fruit of the right, then our own sense
Spirit. That is to say that it of inadequacy and our own
comes from the Holy Spirit history in dysfunctional
of God rather than from relationships can actually
our own natural ability or be put to work for us. Those
energy. Listen to what the can be the needs that drive
apostle Paul wrote, and us to find in the Spirit of
think about how it assures our heavenly Father the
good parenting: parenting qualities that
But the fruit of the are not natural to us.
Spirit is love, joy, peace, Listen to what Paul
longsuffering, kindness, wrote to Christians who
22

had been trying to live in Christ and His Word (Jn.
their own strength: 15:1-14), then we will be
Are you so foolish? growing in our experience
Having begun in the of the fruit of the Spirit:
Spirit, are you now being • supernatural love vs.
made perfect by the flesh? sheer effort and fatigue
Have you suffered so • good sense of humor
many things in vain— (joy) vs. pessimism
if indeed it was in vain? • calm spirit vs. anxiety
Therefore He who • patient attitude vs. quick
supplies the Spirit to anger
you and works miracles • kindness vs. meanness
among you, does He do • good motives and
it by the works of the law, intentions vs. selfishness
or by the hearing of faith? • promise-keeping vs.
(Gal. 3:3-5). breaking your word
The spiritual resources of • gentleness vs. harshness
character Paul was talking • self-control vs. addictive
about are not the result of behavior
trying to live by the ideals
of God. They come when
we believe and trust what
God says He is willing and
able to do in us. We can’t afford
We need to remind one to forget where
another continually that the
secret to good parenting is
good parenting
like fruit that is rooted in comes from.
the branches and roots of
the Spirit of Christ. When
we are in agreement with
23

LOOKING FOR shall let your children
TEACHABLE know (Josh. 4:21-22).
MOMENTS The parent-teachers
of Israel were not to be
boring. They were to
do things that would
encourage their children
to ask, “Dad, Mom, why
do we do this? Why do
we always have an empty
place-setting at our table?”
(See also Dt. 6:6-9,20-25.)

In the Old Testament, God What was the
taught His people to build primary method
rock piles so that their Jesus used to teach
children would one day ask
why the stones were there. His disciples?
When the children asked,
the parents were to be The father who wrote
ready to tell the story of the Proverbs for his son
how the Lord of Israel had realized the power of a
wonderfully met their needs word spoken at just the
in that place. The secret right moment (Prov. 15:23;
was in being ready for 25:11). He came from a
teachable moments. tradition that used creative
When your children ask ways to open the hearts of
their fathers in time to children to life-changing
come, saying, “What are perspectives. The Jews used
these stones?” then you education by rockpiles, by
24

riddles, by object lessons, or a tender Bible story
by drama, by word pictures, and prayer at bedtime are
and by seeing children, over usually far better received
all, as being willing and (Dt. 6:6-9) and much more
active participants in their effective. The challenge
own learning. is that you can’t teach
Such child-ready object children this way without
lessons are different from a lot of involvement and
the kind of family devotions creative time spent with
that are forced, ritualistic, them.
and academic. These
seldom have the desired
spiritual effect. Unless our
Making the most
words come at teachable of teachable
moments, they are not moments takes
likely to draw our children’s
hearts toward their God.
time and creativity.
About all forced devotions
do is help a parent feel less Now, I’m not saying
guilty about something that that we should not have
he feels he should do. mealtime devotions with
Planning for and taking our children. If it is working
advantage of teachable well and doing what you
moments is far better. hoped it would do, then
Tender discussions about continue. But if all you are
life while enjoying an doing is trying to force your
afternoon in a fishing boat, children to learn something,
a walk along a wooded chances are they may be
field, a drive through the learning to resent not only
countryside, a spontaneous Bible reading and prayer,
discussion during mealtime, but also you and your Lord.
25

DYING bringing children to
A THOUSAND maturity would be easy.
DEATHS It’s hard for a mother to go
through the contractions of
labor. It’s hard for her to
give years of her life to
infants and toddlers who
constantly demand
attention. It’s hard for a
wife and husband to give
up the freedoms they
enjoyed before children.
It’s hard for a father to put
aside his strong will and
The most effective parents give his son the space he
die a thousand deaths.
Sometimes it is the result “Unless a grain of
of being embarrassed by
the actions of their children. wheat falls into the
Sometimes it is the result of ground and dies,
utter frustration and fatigue. it remains alone; but
Sometimes it is over the
deep concern of a son or if it dies, it produces
daughter’s shortsighted much grain.”
and self-destructive choices. Jesus (Jn. 12:24)
But often these parents
voluntarily die to their own needs to make his own
desires just because this is decisions. It’s hard to give
what it takes to bring your children more and
children into the world. more freedom with less and
No one said that less control so that they
26

can begin to feel the whatever it takes to bring
responsibilities of maturity. my children to You and to
It’s hard not to jump in and maturity of faith and love.
rescue them when they get Lord, do whatever it takes.”
themselves in trouble. It’s
hard to remain firm in “Now My soul is
providing reasonable
boundaries and controls
troubled, and what
so that they are not left shall I say? ‘Father,
entirely on their own. It save Me from this
would be easier, sometimes,
to give in and get them off
hour’? But for this
your back. It’s hard to purpose I came
continually help them to to this hour.”
see that the real issue is not Jesus (Jn. 12:27)
what you want them to do
but what they are going to Ironically, we are
choose and with what inclined to think that taking
consequences. It’s hard an easier path will result in
not to jump in and take less pain and more joy.
control. It’s hard to be Good parenting, however,
patient enough to give them is the result of Christlike
as much time as they need character. And unless we
to grow up. It’s like dying follow Christ’s lead and that
to let them go out into the of the apostle Paul (2 Cor.
cold, cruel world. 4:1-12), we will never see
It’s hard to pray for them the difference Christ’s Spirit
daily. It’s harder yet to pray can make in us. Only when
in a way that reflects our we die to ourselves do our
surrender to God. It’s hard children get the benefit of
to say to the Lord, “Do Christ parenting through us.
27

PREPARING FOR parents and their marriage,
AN EMPTY NEST it should also be seen as
the mark of success and
hope for the child.
Children are not born
to be children. The highest
good is not to be protected
and directed by a hovering,
smothering parent. From
the day a baby is born, his
parents should understand
that their mission is to
prepare this child to fly.
Empty-nest syndrome has
established itself as a real “The most
dimension of mid-life crisis.
Life after children is now important thing
recognized as another that parents can
threat to marriages that teach their children
have survived earlier tests.
Parents who have lived all is how to get along
their lives for their children without them.”
suddenly find themselves Frank A. Clark
rattling around in an
empty house. They become Maturity is better than
restless, unsatisfied, and immaturity, independence
irritable. Anxiety, anger, is better than dependence,
and depression can come and the day of departure
in slowly like a fog. is better than the day of
If empty-nest syndrome arrival.
marks yet another test for If after working through
28

the normal pains of miraculous signs and
departure, parents are wonders to assure them
still apt to be overinvolved, of His presence. In time,
overprotective, and He withdrew the obvious
meddlesome in their presence of the miraculous
adult children’s lives, then and forced His children
there is a need for some to sink or swim in the
housecleaning. It might be disciplines of faith.
time to acknowledge and God has made man
discard a pattern of selfish and woman to leave their
control and smothering. It parents and cleave to a
might be time to accept the new mate of their own.
fact that we have been It is in this new sphere of
overinvolved, not for the independent living that a
child’s good but to indulge person is the freest to learn
our own selfish needs. It is to love God, parents, mate,
difficult to let our children children, and friends.
go, especially if we have It is here that we can find
become dependent on the peace of mind God
them. Dependence signals provides.
the child in us, and is a
warning that we are not “There are only two
finding our satisfaction
and peace in God Himself. lasting bequests we
It is interesting to note can hope to give our
the way God parents His children. One of
children. In both Old and
New Testament times, the these is roots; the
heavenly Father temporarily other, wings.”
nurtured His children with Hodding Carter
a heavy provision of
29

BEING LATE There is no way of
RATHER THAN changing the wrongs
NEVER of a lifetime. The human
consequences of selfish,
alcoholic, adulterous,
abusive, workaholic
parenting cannot be
wiped away like unwanted
chalk on a blackboard. But
you can know the joys of
the Teacher who taught His
followers to live one day
at a time, confess their
wrongs, make restitution
Saying I’m sorry is better where possible, and thereby
late than never saying it at know God’s peace.
all. Saying I love you is
better said on a deathbed To finally have
than to die without ever the blessing of
having said it. Finding ways
to encourage your children a parent can
late in life is better than be like a soothing
letting them come to their drink of water
own end wondering, “Did
Mom or Dad ever really so satisfying that
care about me?” One of the you remember that
most amazing experiences drink every day
is to see the good that a few
words of encouragement for the rest of
can do even at the end of your life.
that parent’s life.
30

But what if the child wisdom, his example, and
dies before the parent has his prayers.
a chance to show that care? After finding out how
You can still dignify and much God loved him, after
honor the life and memory a change of heart, and after
of that child. You can put experiencing the redeeming
your mistakes to work for
someone else who could It’s not too late
benefit by being cared for to honor
by you.
The apostle Paul the life
illustrated the possibility or memory
of putting our mistakes to of a child.
work for others. He became
like a father to many after strength of Christ, Paul
having made many violent became known for his
mistakes. In his early years, example, his advice,
he was an angry and his correction, and his
abusive man (Acts 8:1-3). warm, affirming words of
His actions left memories encouragement. He learned
that weighed heavily on to provide the gentleness of
him (1 Tim. 1:15). Yet he a mother and the strong
didn’t give up. He went on comfort and challenge of a
to become one of the most father (1 Th. 2:7-12). His
important parent figures of “adopted” children would
all time. Driven by the certainly say, “Better late
mistakes of his past, and than never.”
by the forgiving love of
God, he went on to be like
a father to those who
soaked up his love, his
31

WHOSE CHILD will acknowledge your
ARE YOU? sins and trust Christ
for forgiveness and life
(Eph. 1:3-12; 1 Jn. 5:1).

Y
ou don’t have to be In this new relationship
the adult child of a to God, a parent can find
divorce, or of an a love, a security, and a
alcoholic, a workaholic, confidence that God alone
or a physically, verbally, can give. It begins as we
or sexually abusive mom or trust Christ as Savior from
dad to have doubts about sin’s eternal penalty. It
yourself as a parent. All of continues as we rely on
us have questions about Him for wisdom and
what we are going to pass enablement.
along to our children. Some
of us wonder whether we
are going to be able to be as
Not only can
good for our children as our you be a child
parents were for us. The of God, but He
good news is that we don’t
have to pass along a legacy
can enable you
of parental inadequacy. to live like one!
The God of the Bible
has offered to adopt, raise, This is the only way that
and live His life through “children having children”
you if you will allow Him really works in our favor.
to parent you. The God When we trust God and
and Father of the Lord live as His children, He
Jesus Christ has offered to will develop within us the
adopt and name you in His character that is the secret
eternal inheritance if you of good parenting.
32

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How Can A Parent Find Peace Of Mind

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