The Agile Qtopia by Rahul Verma

TMRahul Verma
A Fellow agile Software Tester.
(The lower case ‘a’ is intentional)
www.RahulVerma.net
Do People Cry in Heaven?
The Agile ***topia

Before This Happens…
© 2017 - Rahul Verma www.RahulVerma.net

Thank You.

DISCLAIMER
Agile is perfect. God created Agile in His own image.
Rahul Verma is a big fan of Agile.
Something bites him every time he gets on stage. Some
random unimportant insect named TRUTH.
Blame Truth. Forgive Rahul.
For Rahul doesn’t know what he’s speaking today.
Industry Wisdom: People don’t read Disclaimers and EULAs.

DISCLAIMER 2
If you have got Agile right, this presentation is not for you.
You are Gods. Agile is truly meant for Gods and
perfectionists.
Industry Wisdom: Ironies are like jokes. Can’t be explained.

Dedicated To
George Orwell
Who Wrote
Animal Farm
And Got Away With It.
Industry Wisdom: Just because somebody got away with it, doesn’t
mean you would.

In Loving Memory of My Childhood
When I had the honesty
To Call a Fart a Fart.
And It was not considered a Revolutionary
thought.

You Silence About
What wrongs Agile is doing to you.
Is more dangerous
Than the Noises about Agile.
Industry Wisdom:

Half Full?
Half Empty?
The Eternal Cliché

I
Am Here For
The Half Empty
Story
Industry Wisdom: “You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.”, Colette said. But
wait… would people forgive foolishness just because of the enthusiasm? Not a chance!

Agile is often projected
In its Utopian view.
The perfect place to be.
The heaven.
Then why is it that you still cry?
Do people cry in heaven?

Wait… Did I say heaven?
That reminds me about a
Joke on Hell.

A Hell of a Story

Hell has always been so unpopular.
Reason is obvious.
Who would like to imagine his/her soul in an eternal
deep frying pan?

While standing in the queue for
Heaven and Hell
People used to run away the
Moment they heard
They are going to hell.
It was becoming a problem.

So, the Hell guys called for a Scrum
Meeting with
Sales and Marketing guys in Hell
And took their advice.
Industry Wisdom: They were lucky to find some Sales & Marketing
people in Hell. Because of their extreme level of ethics and morality,
they are usually found in Heaven.

A Scrum in Hell

They concluded
This is what Heaven meant to People:
• Beautiful looking girls*.
• Lavish clothes.
• Great Food.
* They realized it’s mostly men who go to hell, as women had their fair share
of hell on earth.

They signed contracts with the best of
*ollyWood heroines from heaven
Who would dress in their best with food and wine at
the gate of the Hell and woo people.

Those who were chosen for heaven
Looked at these good looking girls
And
Chose Hell over Heaven.

Once they entered the Hell,
They would slip directly
into a frying pan.
“What! This is not what was promised at the
entrance”,
they would ask.
“No. You imagined the promise.
You never asked what’s inside.”

“Do you want 1 day frying relaxed?”
“Yes!!!”
“Here’s your suit and make-up kit.
Stand on the entrance once a week and advertise
hell.”
“But that would be wrong.”
“For whom? You are already in Hell.”

Back to the Real World

Now, ofcourse you are not
Thinking I’m comparing Hell
With Agile.
Are you?
Industry Wisdom: “You might very well think that; I
couldn't possibly comment.”
.

However, when I see that
People boast about being Agile
in public
And almost always cry about it
in private
I begin to re-think.
Do People Cry in Heaven?

Let’s Look At
Agile As Promised
Vs
Agile in the Wild

Promised vs In the Wild
Individuals and interactions
Over
processes and tools
Assumptions
You get the Avengers Team
Reality:
You get the usual team.
Interactions + Processes + Tools
All Too Many

Working software
over
comprehensive documentation
Assumptions
A Team of Mind Readers or
Photogenic Memory
Reality:
We are poor mortals.
Software as buggy as has been.
One of the reasons is zero to little
documentation.

Customer collaboration
over
Contract Negotiation
Assumptions
Customers want to pay what is deserved.
Vendors want to earn what is deserved.
Reality:
Customers quote Agile and want
FIXED bid contracts
That can accommodate change
Without providing documentation.
Vendors are vendors.

Responding to change
over
following a plan
Assumptions
There is a Plan.
(I don’t know what
they assumed about change)
Reality:
Mood Based Development.
Everything is in the plan.
Nothing is in the plan.

Some More “Small” Realities Overlooked
• Cavemen run our education system.
• No fresher wants to be a tester.
• Developers don’t want to test.
• Degree of independence
• Generalization vs Specialization
• Everybody’s responsbility is nobody’s
responsbility.
• The value system of Agile needs a cultural and
skill change. It’s not a process problem.

Results
• Unhappiness
• Overworked employees. Now you run a marathon but
you are sprinting. Where’s common sense?
• Software as buggy as it has been
• Profiles full of jargons, more than ever
• Over-paid Agile Consultants who teach processes.
“Skinny Agile! Skinny Agile! The Leanest of All Agiles!
Anybody?”
• A jack-of-all trades population
• A false sense of being fast and furious

Agile’s goodness is quoted based on its
value system.
(Which IS valuable IMO)
But in an implemented form, Agile
faces the harsh realities which Agilists
promptly blame on anything but Agile.
!!!Irony Alert!!!

When you enter a room and
Smell a fart.
Whatever people call it,
It’s still a fart.

Question.
Who Would Bell the Cat?

He who fights BAD processes
Must take care
Lest he creates a process
WORSE than what he was fighting.
- Fredrich Nietzsche
When Did He Say This? Wasn’t it
about killing monsters?.
Thank You!

Picture Credits
https://www.tufing.com/img-inline-share/childhood-memories-366494.jpg
https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/politics-march-rally-rallys-protests-protest_marches-pha0282_low.jpg
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Orwell#/media/File:George_Orwell_press_photo.jpg
http://youthopia.in/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Animal-Farm-A-landmark-in-political-literature.jpg
http://www.headlinepolitics.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Hell.jpg
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_2YAWR0ytbQo/TBw5b6fiaOI/AAAAAAAAGIc/rkXzZ9tEqR4/s1600/Running_Away.gif
https://brooksar.wordpress.com/2012/09/14/blog-post-1-skeleton-dance-walt-disney-1920s/
http://clipart-library.com/images/6cyXKMqdi.png
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c6/Conseil_Tenu_par_les_Rats.jpg
http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/69045/Fart/
http://static.oprah.com/images/o2/201208-omag-quiz-half-empty-glass-949x534.jpg
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8yjq-6R3puo/VYBCoUQyT3I/AAAAAAAAC74/1d3UM8RMao0/s1600/600px-
No_Political_Correctness.svg.png
I’ve tried to keep a track of all images used. Please let me know if your link reference
is not there, so that I can include the same.

The Agile Qtopia by Rahul Verma

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The Agile Qtopia by Rahul Verma